6 weeks

Life can be a tad more difficult when one body is trying to house two individuals.

After an epic puke-fest which seemed like even last year's christmas dinner was out through the chutes, I am now scavenging the kitchen for some dry crackers. Like the first break of dawn, I feel hunger. I have been repulsed by food since .....baby decided to make its presence known..

Even as I traipse through my own corridor to head to the kitchen, I smell the lingering smell of what reeks of someone frying bacon this deep into the night. It can't be and won't be but my nose hallucinates like a paranoid schizophrenic. It is so fearful of stimuli that might restart the whole gagging merlion act that it has decided to be hypersensitive to save my life.

Dear nose, I appreciate that a lot but life has to go on and this won't go on eternally. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently just 3 more weeks of puking to go, if I'm lucky and I'll be delivered from the monstrosity of a nightmare that plagues me every night like it's time for cinderella to go home.

And...to the one who caused it all.

Dear child,

I can't wait for your arrival already. You have made your presence felt and heard and we love you already. I cannot imagine how much more I can love you than I already do. Given that, please don't take it for granted and insist on being the sweetest soul Mummy has ever seen on this side of God's green earth because you have caused me pain. Also, just be your cutest ever and you know I'll forget this ....tonight's atrocities ever happened.

Love,
Mummy

the aftermath

After the initial shock, it seems like life went right back to normal and I'm fighting some protracted flu-like symptoms.

Workwise, I literally just have to rough it out until DDay.

April fool'S day 2014

I cannot believe what just happened. After everything that has been happening. 

We need to get out.

Sunday nights are the best time to write. I am the most coherent and my mind is usually clear.

Right now, I'm semi dreading tomorrow. I haven't had monday blues in many months now and now, it's three weeks in a row. 

Isaac and I really want to leave singapore. It's weird because many of my friends overseas are really flocking to singapore. I love them to bits and are happy that we are all finally in the same place but the high cost of living and the lack of time because we are all so caught up in the daily grind makes it so hard.

We are already hatching plans and exploring alternatives. Nothing is cast in stone and honestly it would be another good three years or so before anything even remotely takes fruition. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have no strong links to this place I was born in anymore. The feelings of patriotism has diluted over the years as I witness its evolvement into an unfeeling colourful city with so little personality.

Perhaps the DNA of our forefathers are kicking in. Those that prompted them to leave their hometowns in China to seek better pastures. Without those moves of theirs, bold and courageous, we wouldn't be here today. Likewise, things have gotten so difficult and claustrophobic that I sometimes feel like I need to hop onto the next plane and just.get.out.

I marvel at how cheap things are online and how the price disparity is and yet, I run a retail business. Rents are soaring at an unreasonable indigestible rate because of both macro and what I call, greed factors. I can totally understand why only the big survive and how the small ones fall flat without even finishing their first try. It is a merciless city.

Isaac remarked today that both sides of my family are from malaysia while his is of a purer bred singaporean peranakan roots. He thinks it might explain why I'm more tenancious. Our neighbouring country was never known for its chinese-friendly policies and we had to fight tooth and nail for survival. Then, we earn enough money to send our offsprings to faraway lands like australia, UK, US and some, singapore because despite the amount of wealth amassed there over decades, it can disappear in an instant because of policies that are not in favour.

Now, I'm treading really dangerous waters here and I should probably stop.

I have no intention of making this blog famous and have a viewership of more than a handful. 

Bottom line: we need to get out.

Life takes a dive

K, my ex colleague turned friend has been such a pillar of support in my life I am so thankful she's in Sg to walk me through this season. We are 250m away at work and we used to be oceans away. I don't know when and how we grew that close but now, she's offering me her couch and plenty of ice cream and the shoulder to cry on.

I didn't realize I could be so clingy with friends. 

collateral damage

Yet again.


This is my second time being collateral damage in a political office struggle which has led to me first being upset, then thrilled at a sudden avalanche of expensive and seemingly opportune opportunies within the same conglomerate and even with a certain previously way-out-of-my-league corporate adventure.

Then I decided to just stay and yes, serve my new boss. Because that's what I think God wants me to. Because what I started, I want to finish. Because I didn't think that there would be so many coincidences that she was my first boss in beauty and 10 years later, I am right under her nose under her charge. Despite what many has said about her and reputation, I find myself heaving a huge sigh of relief.

But there's still a tussle and although I don't want to choose sides and really just sit and do my work (or in some cases, roll up my sleeves) I seem to be the pawn in this corporate tug of war. I am wholly submitting myself unto God to be my protector, provider and in all circumstances, for His glory to prevail. I am praying for obedience to His will, guidance and discernment. God alone h=knows how badly I need them.

Which is why I am going to say "no" to what was handed on me on a silver platter. The opportunity of what some would call....a few lifetimes. To manage key functions for 7 territories. That was a rather instant promotion but because of the travelling entailed and because of what-I-think-I-heard from God, I am staying put. Even if forces try to get rid of me.

My whole world is turned upside down and I find myself dragging my feet to work for the first time in very long because I dread the politics. I still have very nice colleagues but everyone's on the edge and morale is at an all time low. My world is so upside down but somehow, I feel like I'm at peace and more joyful. Strangely but weirdly. I also indulge more in buying my own make-up than just receiving and feeling obliged to use what might not suit me on my face. I am going back to my beauty favourites instead and re-discovering. Sephora has awarded me golden awards too many times in my respite from depression by drowning in make-up with discounts I am almost embarrassed.

I am also having more breakouts and fatigued skin because of the heightened stress and lack of sleep.
My husband, which used to have to stick to a strict anti-acne regime (prescribed by me) can now go for days without a moisturiser while I find myself using his mattifiers, toners and ANTI-ACNE (horror of horrors!) stuff that I bought to salvage his then skin woes.

The tables have been turned.

But life goes on.

Episode 235425

It is back.

And with a vengeance.

I didn't want to crawl out of bed despite being wide awake. I talk incessantly in my sleep and try to shout myself out of slumber but to no avail. The endless headaches, the laboured breathing and...the pain in my heart. They are mere symptoms of depression with anxiety related conditions.

I'm trying to cope with this the best I can but I struggle even to eat and do simple things like shower. Yikes I know but I'm just being awfully honest here.

Depression is the flu of the soul that sometimes can feel worse than death itself.

It is akin to cancer than threatens to relapse even when things are dandy.

There is no known cure for it at the present, making it a cousin of HIV.

It leaves the sufferer incarcerated in her own body to suffer alone, unable to verbalize the pain inside.

It is not a weakness as God knows how many a great men have fallen prey to this foreboding sickness but an affliction. It strikes when no one is looking, a sneaky enemy in stealth and no exact aim.

Since the battle is on, I'll wage war. The odds are stacked against me but we've won before so ...maybe we'll win again.

I forgot

So here's the reminder.

I serve as unto Him so He is my boss and my rewarder. In fact, my exceedingly great reward. 

Give me fresh strength and drive for work tomorrow. 

Spending ban

The husband berated me today for my excessive spending and it's one of the few times I can't say that he is wrong.


My spending has been out of control because my stress levels have been out of control. I need "spending anonymous" to help me and I need to somehow alleviate my stress levels too.

:( Woe.

God will make a way

One of the first songs I learnt how to sing was "God will make a way" by Don Moen when I started out as a young Christian in MGS, my alma mater.

Tonight I find myself unconciously singing in unintended worship knowing that He has always made a way. In the scorching, seemingly endless dessert out of Egypt for the throne of Israel to my pits in corporate hell, He always made a way. Through my throes of depression and darkness, He always made a way.

God will make a way 
Where there seems to be no way 
He works in ways we cannot see 
He will make a way for me 
He will be my guide 
Hold me closely to His side 
With love and strength 
For each new day 
He will make a way 
He will make a way 

By a roadway in the wilderness 
He'll lead me 
And rivers in the desert will I see 
Heaven and earth will fade 
But His Word will still remain 
He will do something new today

Buying trends-watermelon anything.

Do you know that women reportedly bought more lipsticks during recessions and periods of financial and personal depression? It's the way of comforting themselves and feeling just that little bit of empowerment that they can still afford something when things are sliding south.

I am one of them.

I bought five. And only because of what they're named. Anyone who knows me for five minutes know that I have a weakness for watermelon. It is my all time favourite fruit. So when a lipstick that says 'fizzy watermelon', "watermelon' or anything that suggests it combines my favourite fruit and must-have make-up essential, I GRAB and run for the cashier.

Then I don't know if my clones are trying to take over my hemisphere but it is out of stock.

So I don't know what to do. I don't feel comforted or empowered. I just need a lipstick that says watermelon and tastes like watermelon. Or I can go get an actual watermelon.

Epiphany

I finally figured out my obsession of working/living in HK despite its reputation for being a squeeze, congested, loud society.

Some people might even wonder why bother when Sg is so close to HK in so many aspects.

Unlike HK, SG has still very little room for a lot of industries to grow. Despite the sheer numbers and even sales figures that are fast rivalling our ex-sister colony, the country is dominated only by a few players. Heck, the world might be dominated only by a few players but there is a niche market which is like an mega sized etsy which allows many others to still have a slice of the pie and flourish.

Here, I sometimes feel it's so hard to get a foot into the door of the industry I am now in. Going further, it is difficult to get recognised. In this industry, people play a perennial never-ending ageless game of musical chairs and the barrier to entry is SO high. You need to have experience but without experience which no one will give you unless you have experience, you never will get in. It's a nasty catch 22. (I can't explain this science).

Once in, it is a whirlpool that leaves little recognition to be desired. It is sometimes logical sometimes completely irrational. Sometimes only dead facts speaks. Sometimes, your numbers can be all red but if you're painted all over town in various media platforms, just wait, your promotion might still be due.

Of course, I may be writing out of some angst because it is looking like I may not get the bonus I so thought I deserved. Even my colleagues thought I deserved it and in a society that gives little recognition, I thought it was a high honour that my colleagues actually acknowledged it out loud.

In another place, another land, if due recognition is not given, the employee is poached within seconds and continues to thrive and flourish. Because people value quality and not quantity and the market is big enough for hard work to pay off and be recognised, talent to flourish and creativity to flow.

In this tiny, microscopic, over-congested market, people end up complaining, feeling down and hop only when the next chance in the next millennia comes along. Of course, in the meantime, the earth would have rotated on its axis quite a number of times and morale goes six foot under.

I like challenge. I like adrenaline. I love the industry. I love the job scope. I love my family. So given all that, maybe I can live in a slightly smaller house, dump some of my clothes and yes, I might have to walk faster and ...now what else do we really differ in since we also have bad air, congested public transport and Tim Ho Wan?

*food for thought*

That is why I love working in Hong Kong, with Hong Kong. Because my work would speak for itself and I don't have to prepare an arsenal of email ammunitions to fight for my bonus.

I don't think I care for the next opportunity to work for another one of the big Fours here. It would be almost akin to dangling a cucumber which I don't care for rather than dangling a carrot.

My carrot would be Hong Kong.

25 Feb

I hate today.

Anonymous

Shopping helps me to relieve stress. When some people get stressed, they drink, smoke etc. I have none of those vices but I shop-relentlessly.

Sometimes I window shop. Then I buy things for myself. Then I buy things for my husband. Then I buy things for others.

Then I get shocked to death when my credit card bill arrives.

One of my regular go-tos besides Etsy is Sephora. Unlike Etsy, I do not feel remotely like I'm doing any community service when I shop at Sephora. I do not feel like I'm perpetuating a living/purpose for people who are retired, giving a second lease of life to people who have been made redundant at their jobs or helping stay-at-home mums generate some income.

At Sephora, I am self absorbed and frivolous. So frivolous everytime they have a launch, I AM THERE.

My make-up wardrobe is turning into a storeroom. Soon it will turn into a warehouse if I don't stop. At work, I'm already given make-up for work. Then I go on and purchase my own. Read: recipe for disaster.

I have only one face. Not too much of a hypocrite here but I realize to utilize all that I bought and make it all worthwhile, I actually need an excuse to go out everyday. And I do. It's work.

But for all the make-up in my stash, I have to go out, touch-up endlessly and repeat the same process 10 days a week. And what did I do? I buy long-wearing , time-saving make-up. 12 hours without fading in this humidity. Clings to my skin like a dream.

I buy tinted sun block so I can skip two steps and not apply foundation. Then I buy a color correction cream with SPF so I can skip the sunblock. Then I buy a color correction primer so I can skip the color correction cream.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO AS A STEP 1??

What happened to wash face, tone, sun block, put on powder, conceal , fill in brows, throw on blusher and then dash out of the house?

I just added like 8 permutations of steps BEFORE that routine.

So like me. Always complicating easy things.

Appreciating my husband

Yesterday, when I opened the door to see a tired husband panting, perspiring profusely and having MY BAG slung around him, I was won over.

It is, I think the most dashing picture I have of him in my mind.

You see, I bought this bag online and because we weren't around to collect it when it was being delivered, we had to pick it up from the post office by a particular deadline. On saturdays, post offices close at 1 pm and had to rush over on his bike to get my stash.

He didn't know he was collecting a BRIGHT purple suede bag. When he received the ginormous monstrosity of a parcel, he had to rip open the parcel and just sling it around him and ride back because there was just no way he could fit that onto his bike. I was so touched! He must have looked so silly to a thousand and one on lookers but to me, that was my knight in shining armour.

For something as frivolous as a suede bag.

For me.

Unfortunately, we had to let him into the house before he fainted from the heat so there was no time to take a picture of that special moment.

It's etched in my mind though.

LOVE!

Fatigue Ramble

It's the weekend and I have not clicked a single time on Etsy. I am almost officially burnt out and I literally jumped out of bed only to cook DINNER.

No I did wake up in the morning out of sheer habit but I was so tired I fell asleep reading my favorite magazine. Beauty and make up and somewhere along the line, while gushing over the almost academic descriptions of silhouettes, textures and sleek unorthodox packaging, I fell asleep. I didn't wake up to the phone and was almost dead to the world.

This is how tired and fatigued I am.

I would like to start a separate account just to write on fashion and make-up observations and trends. No reviews as this conflicts with my job but I cannot even get started on it as a hobby. Needless to say, I didn't manage to try anything from the new make-up haul from Sephora because I didn't go out.

I'm too tired to even catch an episode of a tv series.

2007-2011.

That was how long we knew each other.

I didn't realize it was so late but I jumped out of bed after almost falling asleep.

Sleep is elusive tonight because of one person.

At work, I tend to bond very closely to my colleagues and make the best out of any situation. In my previous job, we suffered what many would call "grievances" and went through plenty of impossible timelines and jumped over very unreasonably highly-held bars. We were extra close because as the acerbic cliche goes, "misery needs company".

I have one beautiful colleague, C who was always cheerful and effervescent with laughter. She knew what I liked to eat and always spoiled me with food. I really like her spunk and she used to make me laugh so hard with her terribly lame jokes. I wasn't particularly close to her but whenever we caught up (she worked in one of the territories I had to visit bi-monthly), we always caught up privately to eat seafood, Nandos and just laugh.

The last time I was there, it was after a long hiatus. That night, after work, we were supposed to head for dinner together but she was down with a sore throat. She had been down with tonsillitis for awhile and was not close to recovering. I saw her in the office and told her that she better made a rain-check and rest and I'll catch her for dinner in two months when I return. Little did I know that we would never meet again.

That very night, she ran a high fever and fell unconcious. Her husband called the ambulance who curtly told him that they only tended to accident victims. She was already unconcious and since they live in landed property alone, he had to run to get a neighbour's help to haul her into the car and drive her to the nearest hospital.

She was unconcious for a few days and despite the raging fever, no further checks were done to diagnose and little was said about her prognosis. She was in a normal ward but never woke up.

A few days later, she was declared brain dead.

Those few days were the longest in my life. I prayed night and day for her. I slept little, ate even less and sank into denial, disbelief, anger and depression. She was so young, so full of life and I didn't understand why authorities who were entrusted with the sacredness of human life so callously cheapened it and no official word or diagnosis was given.

Her husband, the biggest casualty of all in my opinion was left to grieve alone. They were so loving, so sweet. On the other hand, I regularly fought with my husband and our marriage was a stark contrast to theirs.

Tonight, as I recount those days after almost two years, I am still overwhelmed and in tears. I miss her and still cannot believe she's gone. I still check her facebook page hoping against hope for updates and to reread statuses, look at photos etc. In the few days before she was officially declared brain dead, I texted her almost incessantly in the hopes that there would be a reply. I kept calling for her to wake up, trying in vain to do a Jesus and wake Lazarus or in more aptly, Tabitha.

I wonder if she knows that this very moment, I am thinking of her and she made an impact long after she left.

I wonder if she's aware that I cannot even mention her name without getting goosebumps and tears. She is named after a semi-precious stone so that really happens just...way too often.

If there is a palpable ache in my chest from the pain of our loss of her in our lives, how much more is her husband grieving? Has he moved on? Will he ever?

Thank you my friend for prayers

I got by today just fine thanks to prayers of my "saintful" friends.

One read last night's entry and prayed me through today. One didn't and uncannily texted me right when I woke up to pray. God must really be on my case and I'm so glad that even while I'm deep in slumber, He is on the watch! Truly we worship a God that neither slumbers nor sleep and I'm so grateful for that.

First thing I did at work was of course, check sales. I'm almost stock market frenzy fanatic but retail is detail so hey I did just that. One of the primary reasons is because my mentor/boss taught me that and the other is because if anything needs fixing and there is a lesson to learn, I want to learn and fix it or learn how to fix it. Things will never be perfect this side of heaven and to me, business is almost a beautiful combination of art and science. You can be so spontaneous and flexible but as long as you screw in tightly the right bolts and screws, hey, you have a beautiful piece of ....let's say furniture that serves its purpose.

And LO AND BEHOLD (Again, all praise to God almighty), we tripled THREE days sales on one quiet weekday. I literally had random people travelling all the way to the west and hauling stuff back. I don't know what they do..drink shampoo/eat soap/dessert with cream but they bought A LOT. I don't understand these people but am grateful for that. Ok. I do understand these people. I'm one of them.

Then I did the most brazen thing that I have never done in my whole life. This morning, in the cab, I was browsing through instagram and one of my friends who does Christian art beautifully captured the verse "ask and you shall receive" in this amazing penmanship and captured it. That was the last thing on my mind and when signs pointed to the fact that bonus was delayed and the payout was a date when I actually would be eligible ( you have to serve X number of months to qualify and I was ONE month shy)..I wrote to my boss brazenly and asked for my team's bonus.

Ok. I negotiated for a thousand things or more in life including exercise machines which I don't use but I never actually felt my work this time round was up to par. I'm not expecting anything stellar but a 13th month would be nice. This was a pioneer division and I know a lot of capital has been sunk in just to keep the engines going but my team and I have been working really hard despite being noobs.

I did it in a few words as politely , yet completely explicitly so if it was a dart coming, there was actually a straightline trajectory heading for bulls eye. After I hit the "send" button I was like.."what did I just do". Right after that, sales plummeted so we literally did better for a thursday than a friday.

I really don't know how this will pan out so now I'm back to shaking in my pants. I just told God while penning this post that if this comes to past, He must tell me exactly how much to give to who/where.

I can't say I'm absolutely confident of securing it and my self-esteem has been semi eroded over the years where work is concerned but as with many other things I've dreamt of in life, it is worth a shot and I know I will literally kick myself if I don't ask. I can't keep my mouth from mouthing my thoughts very long.

We'll see.

If I don't, praise God because whatever He has for me is more than enough and I am content.

If I do, praise God because I think a little treat will be nice and I want to be a blessing just as I have been so blessed myself. Hopefully, someone somewhere can access privileges and necessities (such as education/treats/food/clean drinking water and A READABLE BIBLE) I take for granted or it can open doors to relationships otherwise closed by seeding love.

I got saved because someone who was alive and provided for preached to me because of the gifting of the saints. I just want to pass it on. They were provided for despite the threat of looming poverty and were kept alive. I have been kept alive and well fed (too well) for so long I have to make something out of it beyond clothes, make up and handbags and shoes and ..I can't seem to ever punctuate this sentence so forget it.

I barely made it

Today I lapsed.

In the morning, I woke up with the familiar feeling of dark clouds gathering over my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was chest deep in depression for no apparent reason at all.

I just couldn't fight it this time and succumbed. By mid day, I had a full host of other kinds of ailments. Terrible muscle aches on the left side of my body such that I could barely move my left arm, headaches, fast heart palpitations, the whole works. I tried to leave the house to see a doctor but I couldn't even get past my room. It was a living nightmare.

Needless to say, I went without food and water until the symptoms subsided at around 4pm. I had woken up at 7 am to prepare for work and ended up taking urgent leave.

I also didn't manage to get any slot with ANY doctor within reach.

I did not realise the stress has gotten inside me.I thought that just as long as I reach home by 8ish on most nights, it means I'm switching off and fine but I was less than stellar. Other thoughts started to cloud my head and paranoia at some point took over. When I did slip into a light sleep, I thought I heard footsteps at every corner and the scariest part was...at some point, I couldn't remember where I was and who I was and when it was.

I used to get that when I travel a lot for work but I haven't done so in almost 2 years so that was a real freak occurrence.

Fear says to me that this might repeat itself tomorrow and that I will never be fully rid of it but I am struggling to believe and pray against it. Grace and His strength has come through for me so many times even when I was only toe-deep in faith but He has remained faithful.

Please pray for me if you read this tonight. I still have a lot of pain running from my neck to my left side of my body so this might make sleep somewhat difficult.

I need to recharge for the stressful tenuous weeks ahead.

4 shops and counting...

So my boss dropped yet another grenade on me today. That we're POSSIBLY opening our 5th shop this year. Does that mean I don't get to get a single day of vacation for two years?

I haven't hired enough and my existing team is not strong yet. I'm semi-flattered he thinks I can pull it off. He said he tested me with impossible deadlines and each time I turned him down flatly and told him it's not realistic. I worked at my own pace, refused to burn out my staff and prayed for discernment to know what is urgent and what is not. My staff must have at least one day off a week and if not, during peak seasons, they get to claim off days within three months. Yet, each time, we managed, by the sheer grace of God to exceed expectations.

So far, that has gone without a glitch and I fully intend to keep this record of not overworking people and creating a different kind of work culture. I know many eyes are on me because I'm the (quite) young noob out of no where sent to set up a new division in unchartered waters in 27 years of the company's history but this time, I am semi- daunted.

Maybe because it's the phase in life I'm in but with so many opportunities opening up all at once, (most companies wait a good 3 years for a good retail space), I'm beyond overwhelmed. Besides, no matter what they say about the Singapore job scene, there are almost 33k service jobs vacancies waiting to be filled. With one or two stores, I stand in as beauty advisor/store manager/stock packer every now and then but with 5? I haven't learnt the art of cloning myself and the resumes are not coming in fast enough.

I was plain blessed (glory to God) to recently hire two very excellent staff that I can safely hand the keys of one store to. Each time I settle one operational issue, my boss unearths a whole new mine for me to work on. It's like digging for gold during the gold rush. It's an excellent opportunity and I shouldn't complain but I CONFESS here, I'm SCARED!!!

What I wish I could tell him: Please realise I'm human and anyone else you hire can't pull this off without ample help too.

What I wish I could tell others: stop rewarding good work with more work and stop staring at me watching my every move because even though I'm pretty good at ignoring you, it's unnerving for my team.

Also, please stop poaching from my team just because it does well. We excel only because of each other and not because of an individual's effort.

So there, by september, I would have fulfilled two years' budget. Unless of course he wants me to do three years' budget in two years or 5 and so on. I can't keep track. I want this job and I'm enjoying it which is why I'm mustering ALL my guts to draw boundaries and discern. I don't want to lose my marbles or my job so let's work something that's mutually beneficial. No, wait, let's just work out something feasible.

13 and 30.

Last night was a real blast. (from the past)

It was nice to see so many familiar faces again at yet another wedding. It seems like weddings is the perfect excuse for everyone to meet again. We haven't had a wedding in awhile with most of us already wedded/already having kids etc.

The comment I got the most often was "you look the same!!" I didn't know what to feel about that. Was I really looking so old as a 13 year old or do I look awfully pre-pubescent as a 30 year old? Deep down, we all know I relate better to the 30 year old with occasional mood vacillating towards the 13 year old.

I saw an old friend that was my "partner in crime" in sec 2. We copied each other's homework and to be honest, she was the "badder" influence. :p We smuggled magazines under the table to read during lessons and spent so much time talking about boys and all after school hours on the phone.

Then something happened and we "broke up" (in the words of M). It must have been trivial but I can be heartless in a sense because I have her neither on Facebook or in my phone address book. I distinctly remember deleting her number when she texted me. For awhile, I wanted to spend the night avoiding her by hiding behind a gigantic centrepiece (it was about 1 m tall) so we were really playing the whole indian dance game. Think bollywood movie. Everytime she moved left, I moved right. At some point, at around the 5th dish out of 10 courses, the waiter changed the centrepiece to be one that's akin to a bed of roses. How can I not predict that the bride, being a Chanel centrepiece herself would adorn the place Chanel-themed and do the Chanel roses thing?!

So I was exposed from my vulnerable place of hiding and mustered up enough courage to shuffle my feet 50 cm to where she was seated. Yes, we were at the very same table and I think we talked sufficiently to make peace. She introduced me to her two year old daughter as "mummy's old friend" and I gushed (sincerely) at how well she speaks for a 2 year old and how really, she is an exact replica of her mummy.

I made the decision because of only one reason. I cannot predict what happens tomorrow and I really don't want to live a life of petty regrets on my deathbed. Neither do I want to be associated with being petty.

I doubt we'll be best friends ever again in this lifetime because life just coursed us in too different trajectories but I won't rule it out. I don't quite miss her if I have to be perfectly honest. The last ten years got by just fine without her and that scares me because...I can be so close to one person for a protracted period of time and I never thought I was the heartless creature that I am to completely obliterate them from my consciousness years later.

Despite everything, a lot of these friends have shared wonderful memories with me. They created the best memories of my adolescence and I should honour them for that even though some of us are timezones and continents apart.

Life can be so unpredictable I don't want my or their last memory of me to be a bitter squabble over nothing. They are to be cherished because the sum of these memories make me who I am.

"Down through the years our memories will keep a loving place

For friendships made and pleasures shared, and lessons learned apace.

For those who worked and gave their best that we might learn to face

The trials of life and faith and hope and nobly run the race."

Mgs will always be home and where I spent some of the best years of my life. Good old mgs. If I could ever time travel, despite the daunting O levels, I would go back to the years of 1996-1999. 

Three weeks late

So close to three weeks after the entire chinese population celebrated CNY, I celebrated mine today with my extended family.

I fell asleep at some point on the couch due to sheer fatigue. I wasn't even the only one. My cousin who puts in long work days in a bank also dozed off. Her younger brother who had a paper earlier in the day was almost in coma. Such is the life of an average Singaporean.

We fulfilled our obligations of meeting up and did quick cache-ups but other than that, we were walking zombies. Still, I am thankful that we got the chance to meet even though half the time was spent watching what seemed like an awfully slow sport called curling (i'm not kidding) from the Winter olympics. Fun thing to note was that the sport looked like it involved huge men scrubbing the floor with such ferocity we thought they'd be perfect to help cover our household chores since we're literally burnt out from work.

I cannot believe that not too long ago, we were just kids. It was nice meeting up with my grand uncle too who dropped by from Malaysia. He's a real jet-setter that basically travels for leisure with his lovely wife and they are en-route to the US. Before that it was HK, Taiwan and God knows where else...

At some point I also nearly cried because my grandpa was sitting alone. He has had the longest estranged relationships with some of his children and it was really awkward. I sat with him but we had absolutely nothing to talk about. Also, it became increasingly so that he can only remember me and not his other grand children. He can't tell the rest apart because he is so old and his eyesight and hearing is failing him. I was his first grandchild and from the looks of it, the only one etched in his memory.

Ok, now I have to go off and cry again.

Few friends

I let my colleague run the social media site of the business. I am officially an administrator and double up when her plate is full.

I trust her implicitly and sometimes leave the page of my own facebook account running while we update/source for pictures/ etc while linking to the business' page.

She scrolled through my page and while going through the newsfeed, we both realized that all the feeds were of news, shops, competitors' updates and of course, my beloved detective dramas. I had so few friends that I actively "follow" and care about "following" and out of this tiny puddle of people, some of them don't update regularly and we keep in touch via instagram across continents.

That really wowed her. (In a tragic way) and I didn't know how to react when she went "wow, you really do have very few friends"

I know. But I hesitate to tell her that in spite of all this, I am still incredibly blessed because these few are true treasures and they are living reminders of how good God is to me.

�若英-我等你 (官方完整版MV)

My all time favorite female artiste.

Understated, cool classics.

I loved even before Lee Hom. Discovered her in 2000 and it was this song that made me a fan.

In those days, we didn't have iTunes and YouTube so I spent my meager allowance on her CDs.

She made me want to get a rado watch and to me, she's timeless, classic and the epitome of an ethereal beauty. I cannot rave enough about the cinematography of this mtv and the filters they used to bring forth the soul of the song.

Will need caffeine tomorrow

It's crazy late here and I'm wide awake. Note to self: No coffee after 3pm.

Skin's going kinda crazy with the stress and all. Never in my life have I been tasked to start 4 stores in 9 months. The opportunities that are presented are crazy good and yesterday's taxi driver said "girl, when opportunities come, just grab. They seldom pass by twice". How apt. Angel in disguise?

I honestly have a lot of fun at work despite the stress and the workload. We literally laugh till we tear in the face of problems and even people I am least likely to click with have turned into friends. We wade through the choppy waters of weal and woe together so much so intensely that we are well familiar with each other's idiosyncrasies.

It's really a crazy girl school. Adult version.

I am so thankful to have colleagues I can call friends. I am so thankful to be in a company whose values are aligned with mine and be in an industry where my natural strengths and interests flourish.

It takes only minutes with me to know I'm an IT retard and I'm seriously scared of SAP systems. When they lapse or threaten to throw my progress into the air without landing in the exact way I want it to, I panic-BIG TIME.

I couldn't find the people required to help because I believe they are secretly in hiding. What was really funny today was that somehow, just at the right time and moment, one walked by enroute back to her seat, I "trapped" her and well..let's just say that moments later we had 10 of us, all girls armed with years of retail experience staring at ONE computer cracking our heads open like a ripe durian.

One later lamented that I was like a venus flytrap that just grabs whoever is walking by to help me.

Two hours later, we solved the puzzle and laughed and cried in those two hours. We cry a lot here because things can be so exasperating but we laugh so hard we cry too.

Sometimes I marvel at how sweet things are at this stage of my life. I was getting so pessimistic and depressed some months back it was so hard to imagine things could ever be rosy. Seasons come and go and faces change so while I'd like to remain impossibly optimistic, I know I have to be realistic to realize one day that this chapter too will end.

Nonetheless, I just cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am already for having experienced so much. Someone remarked and pointed out to me that I've had fantastic opportunities to break new ground in my 8 year career. I cannot agree more.

Thank you Jesus. Nothing without You. To God be the Glory.

If I succeed, the glory is all yours. If I fail, I land in your arms of grace and nothing will ever change the fact that I'm yours. And that's all I need.

I love you.

Elusivity

Some people never found true love.

Some people never found happiness.

I never found the miracle eye cream after a close to two decades search. This is an absolute bimbotic rant because even though I'm not expected to be on the covers of any magazines, let alone merciless social media pages, my eyes tell the world I'm tired. Whoever coined the phrase that the eyes are the windows of one's soul knew exactly what he/she was saying.

Even a recent meet up with a famed beauty authority figure in Singapore led me to believe the right eye cream was right under my nose. It was my own product but it worked for most...but me.

I have inherited the fatigued look of my dad and still waters run deep, my fatigue is deeper than that. I enjoy and thrive in environments charged with adrenaline and have trouble keeping still but something, somehow is again showing warning signals that I have to slow down...or else.

My eye bags are as described to be 3D. I often jokingly lament that they are bigger than some other supposed-to-be vitals. Concealers are my best friend and recently so, instagram filters.

Beyond this post about eye bags which are barely scrape the surface of deeper issues that resonate within my soul, I just want to say, I am tired and I don't know how to rest or recharge. This is a torment in itself because...there is no end to this tunnel.

Just as the only remedy to reduce eye bags is real proper sleep, I believe the answer to my fatigue is rest in my spirit which can only be found in one person-my Lord and Savior. Yet, somehow, I've allowed the so many items on my schedule to drown out the need for Him and the voices of demands to silence His whisper.

I'm not one to want to go back to the past but if there is one thing from the past I want to reclaim, it's my blind unadulterated love and zeal for a Savior so true and good, rich in infinite vast love that I can never put aptly into words.

I want that part of me back.

#wishlist

A stampede of ideas

That's what my brain is doing now at midnight.

Which is why I've turned to this space for a respite in  hopes of a cathartic release to breathe.

Work is just work. Hectic but I find it stimulating and thrilling. I just wasn't born with tai-tai genes and with no kid in the pipeline, I can see myself going at full-steam for as long as this takes.

I've been spending a lot of time at Etsy. In fact, once off work, I reply etsy messages. One would think I actually have a running business but I'm just keeping in touch with my vendors whom I pay and add to my fast mooting load of jewellery I'm actually thinking....of starting a business. Again. Not once bitten. Not twice shy. This time, what's holding me time is ironically the time and the resources. I have a thousand ideas in my head, leads to follow through and the channels to push it through. It won't be big money but it will be a hobby. Except also that my contract prohibits me.

Then, the other thing that is occupying my mind is whether I should get ANOTHER Proenza which has served me like a dream or a heavy duty Balenciaga which I expect to be abused like all my other bags. I literally rush into trains, throw them around etc. Balenciaga seems to have a knack of losing its colour and the design I want is forever out of stock.

Yes, I'm typing at the speed of a bullet train coz physically, I'm so tired but my mind won't shut off.

What do you call that again? Hyperactivity? I thought that was only for toddlers on a sugar high.

And oh, I forgot to eat lunch again today and gobbled loackers for my pseudo lunch at 5pm.

getting better but still...

I hate "but"s. It always dismisses good newsby at least 50% like some imperfection on an otherwise perfect bag that has to dismiss its intrinsic value of perfection before someone is willing to pay a price for it. And not at full value to boot, because of one simple blemish.

I am really stressed about work tomorrow. I don't know how in the world I can pull off the next few gruelling months. I am really stressed because the expectations on me are set so high I can scarcely see the bar. I am stressed that my stressed assistant will resign so I have to appear all chill and relaxed and "in control of the situation"

I am reminded during these moments to keep my eyes on Him. The author and finisher of my faith. Lately, I've been praying for Him to reignite my dormant and stagnating faith. I need His Love, His charging power to carry me through and to believe in the impossible. To be higher than weed can ever bring you. (not that i've ever tried). I need that. And God, I implore, hear me, reach me your lost prodigal.

If I stand let me stand on the promise, that you'll pull me through, if I fall let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you.- Jars of Clay

Dreams that speak of my darkest fears

In my feverish weakened state, I dreamt that all 30 years I lived was ironically, just a dream , a figment of my imagination.

The people that have shaped me into who I am today, the moments of joy and heartache, some that has cost me my soul are all nothing but a "what-if". In my dream, I was a mere 12 year old waiting to sit for her PSLEs and had her whole life ahead of her and the prerogative of hindsight at 20/20.

This dream revealed to me my deepest darkest fears. Fear of failure. Apart from that, despite the going getting tougher at times than I imagined possible, I don't want it any differently. I am me today, because of all that happened. This person that I talk about isn't perfect but she is what she was made to be. Yes, she met callous people who backstabbed and trodded on her trust like used tissue but along the way, she gained a whole wealth of friendship through so many others that just can't be exchanged for anything else.

I would choose to do certain things differently but really, if given the same set of circumstances, I don't know if I had the strength to choose. I might still end up right here on the same spot. This is where I think I believe predestination comes in. That God already knew. And I draw a great deal of comfort not because I'm powerless to change my tomorrows and make them better but because God is already there and will be there no matter what.

If there's anything I learnt in the last 30 years, I would say surely that whether it be mountains high or valleys low, He never left me nor forsook me.

And for that, I praise Him eternally.

Missing CNY 2014

Being sick is really no fun. I am terrible at being a sick person. I groan and cry like a baby.

It doesn't help that all clinics are closed during this festive season and I've got no strength to drag this body of a corpse to a 24 hour clinic that will charge me an arm and a leg for my sandpapered throat.

I called my grandparents to wish them happy new year in my almost non-existent voice. After that phone call, my voice box literally shut down and I couldn't utter a word till many lozenges later.

I cried and bawled like a baby coz I miss my grandma so much. It's just been so hard and just hearing her voice and not being able to have her sayang me like I was three is even harder. At the same time, i couldn't risk infecting their frail bodies with the flu so, thank God for the phone.

I've taken all my meds and instead of getting better, I feel worse. I believe this onset is unleashed by grief and my body knows exactly that its a public holiday and hence, I can be trapped at home blowing my nose without interruption.

Chinese New Year 2014

This is the first time I missed Lunar New Year and the worst I've ever had.

Following yesterday's debacle, I'm also very sick. My throat feels I swallowed a cactus and with cactus in place, I couldn't eat/drink much.

In short, I only had my first liquids/solids at 7 pm and was almost faint and delirious. I missed many visits and although I'll be over at the grandparents', I would have missed seeing my cousins.

So yes, I'm not doing well.

 It didn't help that after a terrible evening at my in-law's, I landed at home with terrible food poisoning in the middle of the night.

Absolutely miserable is an understatement.

A new breakthrough.

I am physically a tad worn out but I honestly haven't felt so appreciated and honored for anything in a long time.

I am in such a high state of cloud 9.

I learnt today that not many people set up a whole shop in two months including logistics, training, cash management and operations within days. I did that.

I learnt that apart from my stomach dyspepsia, I am six sizes smaller than what I actually am. Hence, my new clothes purchases are completely justified.

I learnt that my boss, after being an industry veteran for decades and being completely taciturn a man that he is admits that he is learning something from me.

These things made my day.

So yes, the ascent ahead is still tough and challenges still abound but the sense of satisfaction is something I've not tasted in a long time.

I come home to a husband who loves me, plenty of laundry to do, plenty of mess to sort out and battles to prepare for the next few days but really, I cannot help but drop down on my knees and thank God.

Indeed, unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain.

Thanking Him for his sustaining grace.

Evolution in Singapore

All I want to do is shop. At Cos.

When H&M first landed on the shores on a certain sept 16, (Yes I remember momentous dates like these) I waited a few months before the queues abated and bumped into the parents and brother in the snaking queue. Now, there's no queue, a 50% off but time is of the essence here which is the luxury I can't afford.

Whatever necessities, I have resorted to buying online. Right now, I am even contemplating on buying groceries online. I miss the shopping down the aisles and even the queues at the cashiers. The experience beats the convenience hands down. Yes, the clicks are fast and deliveries are getting less tenuous and prompt but....shopping used to be therapeutic, fun and a joint activity. Now, it is relegated to being a relic of an age of long ago, an evolved form to accomodate the hectic lifestyles of the nameless individuals in this fast paced society.

The irony comes from the fact that I work for the retail sector and I need people to be at the stores. Thankfully, my industry is rather insulated as people still prefer to make the trip down, test new offers on their own skin and try before you buy. The experience is not reduced to taking a measuring tape, measuring your own vital stats while zooming in on a visual to make sure that you can save a trip to the post office even if the online store offered "free returns".

I miss the old days and I don't like what singapore is becoming. We were always on the fast track and we saw this day coming from aeons back but now that it is really here, while I am glad I have tasted the sweetness of a life less demanding, I wonder what would become of my children's.

Will they know the joys of watching a movie in a cinema without exhorbitant prices? Will they understand affordability? Will they be satiated with simple pleasures that do not comprise malls and the bags their mum might/might not pass down to them?

Lost and found.

I had a cousin who spent his first 5 years in my house. His parents were divorced and both had their own set of problems so he was left with us. I was 8 years old when he first arrived in my life. I thought he was the cutest and because I never had any siblings prior and didn't know that my own brother would arrive years later, he was my treasure.

He was the first sibling I ever had.

My parents later refused to be his legal guardian and he was later relinquished to his mother, who struggled to raise him. Today, I met him again for the first time after 17 years and he struggled to remember my name. He shouted "xinying jiejie" (big sister). Even my own brother doesn't address me as that.

The sibling I lost and now found. My blood relative.

A whole cocktail of feelings now whirl in me. It's like an indigestion of thoughts and feelings. I struggled to find the words to say. He dropped out of law while my own brother will soon be doing law. He is now working in a menial position, far from what his potential could achieve, if he had the means. He lost his citizenship here because his mom wasn't singaporean and well..dad couldn't take care of him.

I cannot help but feel sad. No arguments, no words, no point about what could have been. I wasn't my parents and was and still is in no position to judge them for refusing to take him in. I just can't help but feel that we could have made a positive difference if we only allowed ourselves to.

Inter-colonialism

This is a frivolous post.

My french business counter part shops up a storm at a Singaporean label's shop. I shop up the same storm in a (few) french label's shop(s).

#modern #intercolonialism 

Husband was helping me shop for Balenciaga bags. I took longer than my usual 15 minutes because they were so expensive. In the end he convinced me that the three colors I shortlisted were not edgy enough. So I went for a darker alternative. It was out of stock.

#conspiracy theory.

#howtogetmetostopshopping

Jesus is not christian

If I understand Jesus correctly and fully, I would think He isn't christian.

I don't mean that all christians are alike but there is a huge mould that many try to fit into. I try to avoid generalisations but from the little I understand and have experienced with the Savior of the world, He defies so much of what is deemed to be Christianity.

The last thing I want is to spark a debate or make my blog hits increase exponentially because I enjoy the somewhat anonymity and the freedom to verbal diarrhoea every now and then.

If you are offended by this post, get a bubble tea sugar high because I'm not apologising.

Lists and self-doubt

Wishlists.
Bucketlist.
Shopping lists.

Too long.
Too little time.
Too little resources.

I feel like I'm underachieving. Actually, I know I am.

I need spectacular numbers. Spectacular, ceteris paribus. I never was the most excellent organised planner around but now I'm in a complete state of disarray.

I used to do 4 cities in 4 days including 12 hour flights, train rides etc. Now, my fingernails seem to grow faster than my thoughts can unravel themselves.

I've been bothered by many things in life and I love my job so much and I fear I don't do well enough to keep it because the bar of expectations is so high and the queue of people waiting for this job is pretty long. I feel so replaceable and insecure.

And the hardest part of the job?

I have to fire someone.

People have called me Thor, nicknamed me a bouncer for obvious reasons and if one really logically, this person should have been fired yesterday, never been hired for too many reasons. Yet, when I think about delivering the news, I tear. Even as I procrastinate to write the official letter to request for termination, even as I speak to HR on the phone, I find myself shaking.

Not because she's very special. Not because she is a star employee.

Maybe because I invested my time and resources in her and she took me for granted and jeopardised not just the business but cannot understand the simple concept of integrity.

Maybe because she looks and feels so much like the woman who brought me up, left when I was 15 and lost touch ever since.

Husband

The husband scan be a real paradox.

One moment he's calling me a tigress, sending me reeling/roaring. Another moment, I posted on Facebook that I really would like a typo (read: Ryan sea crest's iPhone accessory) and the next thing I know, it's arriving as a no occasions gift mid feb.

He can be so generous with all things geeky yet scathingly honest and acerbic about my flaws.

People look at us and laugh and insist we are a match both made in heaven and hell. We provide humour. Sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I get hurt. I've learnt to laugh it off more often than to take offence these days. After all, it has been 5 years. We've grown up.

We still have certain epic fights but I was genuinely surprised by this gift. Firstly, it's the only tech gift I ever wanted. Secondly, I'm more a bags/fashion/make-up (read: girly) kinda city girl. Everything he is not. He refuses to endorse a single penny of my bags and shoes collection and even threatens to throw them out. We now have a policy of buy one, must throw/donate one pair of shoes.

All things said and done, I am thankful.

All things said and done, we're MFEO.

Opening presents

We got our Christmas gifts a little late because his relatives live in Australia. 

Me: yay! I got a belt!! I can use this to hit you. (Disclaimer: I was kidding)

He then proceeds to open his present and he too..got a belt. 

#abusiverelationships

He also got CDs. In Australia, iTunes hasn't arrived and CDs are crazy expensive. They were artistes we like. 

Problem: we have no CD players. We have moved on to iTunes. 

Me: never mind! We can rip the cd into iTunes! 

Problem: both our iMac and MacBook Air don't have slots for CDs. 

A letter to my dear colleague

Dear young lady,

You had a major breakdown on Friday because I wasn't in the office to be your shield when others decided to shoot darts. I am sorry. You must realize by now that this is very common no matter where you go and trust me, I've been shot by far more venom than these folks can even conjure. Nothing malicious here. Pure miscommunication. Nothing we can't undo.

You have shown fine promise and you don't know this but I've already put in the request to promote you. You are a young girl full of potential and one of the best I know. I am so blessed to have you on my team and count you as my right hand. I don't know how you feel about it because it feels like the pressure has been turned on to full blast but trust me, we will get through this. Hang on.

Yes, my health does delineate certain parameters which is why I need you stay calm when I'm not around. Functional dyspepsia means I can puke at anyone anytime I get really stressed. Stay firm in the face of a storm. Remember that we are selling skincare and not saving lives. NOBODY will die just because we dropped a marble. You are learning fast and learn all you can. I promise to invest in you no matter how long you choose to stay because I see myself in you. I am passing on what I've been so blessed to receive from my previous mentors. I wasn't as fast a learner as you and I was an outright ditz. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is a business empire. Be patient.

Tomorrow, I will go on and as we put out fires, devise a strategy to align business objectives. Then, we will sort out and hire the right people for our team. Once we've got the dynamics sorted out, the rest, like they say is history. Auto-pilot.

So there, I was once impatient. I was once indignant. I was once on the verge of a breakdown because people throw their weight around and fired darts of fury when I was vulnerable.

I cannot tell you this because I am still awaiting approvals. I am pushing for them to be expedited but like all big organizations, they take time. I can't tell you in person so here's the letter you will never get to read.

Blessings and thanks,
The comrade you call ''boss'''.

A decade

This blog is almost 10 years old! 

Anniversary post due! 

Beauty products that I've used for 10 years (or more) and stay utterly devoted to:

-Clinique eyeliner in smokey brown 

-Clinique anti blemish gel 

-face shop collagen eye mask 

And that's it! For the rest of the time I'm fickle, devoid of loyalty and sometimes, they simply discontinue my favorites! 

Yes, in my arsenal of skincare and cosmetics, I remain faithful to only three SKUs. 

Almost a worthy case study. 

God misses me.

It's impossible to sleep with the lightest sleeper in the world. Every move I make wakes him up. Granted, his is a bundle of nerves since he will be scaling mount ophir with a boisterous army of pre-fifteen year olds.

Still, this is taking a toll on me.

Spiritually, I'm also as dry as a twig. I am tired and I don't know how to reach God's hotline anymore. It's not like he's not picking up or anything but I'm not even calling and my own strength is running out. Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment or what he'll say. Maybe I'm feeling all inadequate. Plenty of lies I know but there's just not enough truth spoken to jolt me out of this insane reverie.

Now,  I just want to sleep. I also have a long week ahead. My schedule is chokeful with meetings I don't know when in the world anyone can get a reply to me via emails/texts.

This is all going to work out somehow. I just need God.

Etsy

Is my vice. 

So is asos. And reebonz. 

Cancel my credit card. 

Help. 

1st post of 2014

4 days into the new year and I'm still kinda living in the past. That's 2013 I'm referring to. I've been robbed of the holiday season with crazy peak periods at work and now that things are slowing down, I can afford to breathe but...where are the celebrations and gatherings?!?!

Isaac is going for a hiking expedition this week. I'm a nervous wreck. Anyone who remotely knows me knows I'm a true blue city girl and since he is forced to go for obligatory work reasons, I worry like a mother hen that he will not adapt and worse...make it back in one piece.

I have a thousand and one scenarios in my head, most unlikely to happen but nonetheless, stressful for me. As a teacher's wife, the first day of school has been even more stressful to me than my own work. I've been pretty much doing the same thing with the same kind of people for 8 years while he is a complete greenhorn in a brand new environment. Is he tough enough for those kids? Are they even kids? Will they turn into monsters mid lesson? (Examples of thoughts that run through my mind).

I cannot take anything for granted and I'm feeling so awful that we had a fight just days before we are going to be separated for a grand total of 4 days. I've contemplated calling up the school and to demand that as his legal spouse, I do not grant consent for a thousand reasons I can cook up from medical to well, my own problems but really, that's not right. No one needs to tell me. I know it like it's a banner waving in my face.

I definitely am being melodramatic but if this is the last time I see him, I want him to know that despite our crazy fights and HUGE differences, I know that he loves me more than anybody in this world and I love him too.

Oh weepy sappy me. I'll just have to go on girl dates, tv marathons and shopping to ease the blues.

Oh and work.

Memories of 2013

One will be surprised how much she can remember when things are coming to an end. 

With the year coming to an end, I find myself reminiscing about seemingly insignificant things that I thought would be filed loosely away in the "temporary folder" of my mind. 

I remember:

Cooking a lot this year. Putting together ingredients I never previously knew existed to whip up new permutations of dishes. Hours sweating over the stove, burns etc. Being able to cook everyday was indeed a blessing. I truly missed that.

While I don't miss washing up, the details in slow-motion are now rubbing though my mind like a playlist on repeat mode. It's tedious and I can feel the bite of the detergent and wondering ever too often if my hands will dry up. 

To be able to put my own concoctions on the dining table though knowing it filled the belly of a man I love was , however, worth it. 

Don't know when I'll get to repeat it. Maybe with washing gloves next time. 

Maybe. 

Post holiday fatigue

Feeling majorly I'll with a ponding headache now. No other major ailments but the headache is so bad I'm almost reduced to tears. 

:(

Time, please slow down.

It feels like an eternity since I typed away at the keyboard. It is therapeutic and cathartic, akin to a pianist releasing one's emotions through lengthy compositions.

December always feels like a short month. It is the threshold before the door of a new year opens and it spells suspense and excitement to me. It is also choked full with events and workdays are extremely fast-paced but short. The door is ajar and I can almost peek in. Yet, I still don't know what's on the other side, nary a hint of what is to come.

I marvel at how fast time passes and fades away. How things evolve and change. I marvel that I'm here today, typing. I marvel really. Because I didn't think I could make it.

The airline sent a reminder that I'm heading out of town in less than 7 days. Yet it still feels strangely light years away. I do not remember me ever enjoying work so much. Yes, there are plenty of moments I feel exhausted but when your colleagues have grown on you so much you think you will cry with them and celebrate their best moments, work is a lot less dreary. Work is fun, dynamic and the other matters just fade into oblivion. I still scramble to tie up many loose ends before I head off for a short holiday but apart from that, I doubt I will dread coming back.

So yes, 2014. I think I'm ready. Bring it on.

Out of control

It is not that unfathomable really.

It's pent-up "unshaped energy" that has been brewing in the depths of my soul for the last half year or so. So I unleashed it all in one month.

To be very honest, it felt good. In the past, the joy was always short-lived but this time round, it sure hasn't expired yet and is burning like how Adele could only express it.

I also bought stuff for the family. In preparation for the next haze and our general welfare. Now that the country is not smogged out and we have reasonable air quality and beautiful cool weather (if only it lasts), I even bought a snazzy air purifier.

The financial damage is massive because with it came some fancy device to kill dust mites in my bed. We used it once already and I cannot believe the results. Dustmites and their faecal waste are usually microscopic but mine heaped up into this white mass monstrosity of a thing. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like grey cappuccino foam. Compounded over 5 years. It's hard to imagine I survived that much dust mites given that I'm asthmatic. It's truly a miracle I'm alive despite the constant wheezing which leaves me perpetually fatigued with chest pains as a result of my ever tightening muscles. I'm glad all this is a coming to a complete end.

I'm grateful for the finances to make all these purchases. While buying and buying, somethings purely out of lust, I thought about how this year I truly learnt the lesson of Philippians 4:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Now I just need to exercise some self control and not get carried away. I am reminded of the less fortunate, not just the ones hit by the typhoon in the Philippines but those I work and live with everyday. A huge part of my workforce is filipino and I wonder if I can render direct help. 

Lord, help me to be discerning and to obey. Thank you for your blessings and help me to bless in return.

Yesterday my ear was blocked

What was said: beauty by nature

What I heard: beauty manager 

What was said: are you easily offended? 

What I heard: are you afraid of faggots? 

Tsk me.

My back is aching and all that sleep in the afternoon is making me awake despite and despite drowsy meds.

I'm also secretly kicking myself for being a lousy friend because I forgot a very good friend's birthday. She's been nothing less than stellar and I clean forgot. Actually I didn't forget. I just didn't realise the date yesterday and today. What a friend. I guess we all got spoilt by facebook alerts and when someone doesn't include their birthday, it is as if they are not worthy to be remembered.

Tsk me.

Are you ok?

An innocuous question but one I dread a lot. All because most of the time, I cannot give the desired positive answer of "Yes"and I don't want to lie about it.

Truth is, I still grapple with the pressure, the dark moods, the thunderous clouds of depression despite having so much going for me. It's not like I chose to be unhappy, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes, I feel so utterly besieged by the dark stormy clouds I just want to evaporate-all to escape.

I have learnt instead to just "deal with it". Soldier through it, grit my teeth etc. It's not easy and sometimes, I self-combust leaving smitherines of myself and my loved ones in the wake. I cannot make sense of what is happening or what happened but I grieve. I've hurt the ones I love.

Work-wise, it's like a dream come true. We don't work late at all but the days are super intense. Everything moves at bullet-train speed and sometimes I feel so drained I have actually fallen asleep upon hitting the pillow at 8 pm. In fact, I have fallen asleep just sitting on the toilet bowl. It is utterly draining.

In other news, I learnt that the company I previously worked with has completely shut down. It is no surprise of course given that everytime I opened my email, retrenchment emails were announced. I'm glad I left coz morale was dismal. I'm glad also that in my current work, we partake of community projects close to my heart. Yes, I know there's cynicism behind all corporate charity activities and initiatives because so much publicity is generated for the company but I really believe in these few. I shall not talk too much about it here but I cannot cannot believe that I am paid to do this for a living. Good money and good benefits too. It's wonderful.

Ok. I'm tired and a broken record. I rarely get monday blues but I need to prepare for the week ahead and think of an agenda for Monday's meeting so that I can meet tight deadlines, effectively delegate so I can get work done.

All this and...get my act together with God without feeling like a 1000 tonne of depression.

My asos order is also either severely delayed or completely lost in the mail. I am sad. It's arrival can really add some cheer.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Otherwise known as OCD for short.

I've been diagnosed with many things but not this but I think to some measure, I do have this affliction.

My mind loops endlessly around a problem until I have it solved. Or around a bag until I get it. Or a pair of shoes. I'm flexible on dresses though and my wardrobe's a real mess so it ain't the end of the world. Just. Yet.

I need to have all my ducks in order, figuratively speaking.

That's why I married a duck. A Quek.

Corny I know. Especially when I haven't posted anything for so long and my health is in the dumps with fancy schoomzy stomach dysplepsia but yah, I'm feeling all right now and I think it is a good enough thing to be thankful for and thankful for.

And to be documented.

A little update

2 months into work.
It's been good and kind. I'm thankful.

I just have had very little time for updates. Sorry guys.

Today I took the last knife out of my back.

I have been very naïve. And the price of that naiveté-a job that I could love and do very well in after too many rounds of interview to be shortlisted as the final ONE. Not TWO now, but ONE.

Someone, whom I thought were at least on friendly terms with me decided to plunge a knife in the back and sprouted a whole bag of lies to the hiring people involved. It was a baloney of lies but I had no proof. A pee test would have settled it once and for all but no one's interested in my report. I might have been dismissed as a potential candidate even before I finished typing this blog post.

Upon learning that, I was crushed, shocked and bewildered. A whole gamut of emotions raced across my already frazzled mind and I felt like the world around me spun beyond control. The floor felt like it was giving way under my feet and I wanted to run-but I had no strength.

Psalms 55 says it quite well.

If an enemy were insulting me,
    I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
    I could hide.
¹³ But it is you, a man like myself,
    my companion, my close friend,
¹⁴ with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
    at the house of God,
as we walked about
    among the worshipers.

And..Jesus was betrayed for way less. Still, to have it confirmed from neutral third parties is a shocker because till the last final moments, I held on to the belief that there was good in that person, despite being given the short end of the stick numerous times.

I'm choosing this time to surrender. If it mooted my chances with my dream company, then the lesson I walk away with is : know who your friends Aren't and our relationship stops there. No hypocritical niceties and no cordial "hellos". Just walk away. Forgive and avoid like plague.

As for what happens to me? I know not. It would be nothing short of a miracle if I do get a job after such a low blow but somehow I know I will pick up the pieces and re-start the journey again.

This time, I am determined to win.

The last knife is out of my back. I have decided to throw it away. Not back at the source. The pain is excruciating but it'll heal. As with all wounds. In time.

陳柏霖-我不會喜歡你 (我可能不會愛你插曲"大仁歌")

Be it Taiwan or Hong Kong, I somehow find myself rushing back to the hotel to catch TV series all the time. This is one of my favorite Taiwanese dramas. The theme song along makes me melt. This one. Unreciprocated love.

Grateful

My friend of 17 years left this at my doorstep because I was feeling less than stellar. 

My friend of 11 years who has relocated to china suddenly texts me to tell me I'm previous to God and she's thinking of me. 

Why are my beloveds all going to be/already are so far away? 

Thank God for technology. 

Thank God for them. 

I love you(s)! 

Trusting and more waiting

Don't want to count my chickens before they hatch but things are looking positive.

More waiting as they conduct the reference checks and do their due diligence.

Apprehension arises and self-doubts assail. Will I live up to their expectations? Will I succeed? How will I manage?

God knows. He has the answers. It's ok if I don't. So I'll quit the questions.

And the tide turns

It's strange how some things come full circle sometimes.

Today's interview went well. I didn't realize that till hours later. I was so excited the night before I woke up at 2.12 am. I thought it was at least 7 am because I felt quite energized only to realize I had only slept about 2 hours.

I turned up at the interview location 45 minutes early. This was a complete joke. The receptionist hasn't even reported for work and the building was empty except for the cleaners, who coincidentally were in the exact same color code as me. I guess coral must be really in this summer.

So this is round #4 with the company. After I thought they'd dismissed me time and again. Sending me over to the moon and crashing hard back at earth, shattering my little dream. Someone else took notice of me there despite being passed over. Well, to be fair, I've knocked on the same few doors for TEN years. No exaggeration here. I remembered the exact moment I made up my mind to get my foot through the door. Then, I had dogged determination. It was when I was walking through the backgate of my parents' old place. As I held that green rusty gate, I knew what I wanted to do.

For many fruitless months after graduation, I had every door slammed in my face for having "no experience", "looking too young". Today, I wasn't feeling exceptionally upbeat after the interview because my interviewer was completely emotionless. Like I couldn't read anything from his face at all. It was monotonous, matter-of-factly, ask and answer. As with all open-ended questions, I didn't know how well I fared and left entrusting the whole thing to God.

Hours later at 4pm, I got a call and lo and behold, my interviewer now told me the head wanted to see me tomorrow because I got a glowing report and almost perfect score! Tomorrow will be round #5! I felt like a contestant in one of those shows like American Idol. I just hope tomorrow's panel won't include Simon Cowell. Anyways, Glory to God because I was sooooo sleep deprived and at times, I wasn't sure what I was saying hit the nail on the head.

I'm really psyched up now despite the physical fatigue. They unveiled a fantastic DREAM project for me. Bigger than my wildest dreams I nearly forgot to talk about remuneration package. I am still a tad cautious because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if this doesn't work out but nonetheless, I think I should give myself a little pat on the back for coming thus far and continue committing it all to the God who loves me so much every step is perfectly ordained. I cannot say that I will not be disappointed if I don't get it but after enduring so much disappointment in this compact time vacuum of August (which is not even up yet), I think I'll handle it better.

Will update with news. Keep me in your prayers!

I wish I was asleep.

I really don't want to be up so late but too many things weigh heavy on my heart. And guts. (literally). I had a huge feast earlier and now my stomach is revolting. This is a repeated trend in the story of my life. I have a weakness for food and I keep repeating the mistake of overeating.

In my younger years, I had the metabolism most would envy and could eat copious amounts and still never be fat. These days, I cringe at photos of myself. Yesterday, while at my grandma's 80th donning an empire cut dress, I was asked by a few different relatives who have not seen me for awhile if I was pregnant. I never ever get that.

It does wonders for the self-esteem. Thinking about it now makes me emotional and sad.

Because I do want to be pregnant. The weight gain should come with the pregnancy. Not because I alternate between binge eating and starving myself to alleviate an inner deeper pain that human minds and hearts can access.

I see myself drifting along aimlessly with no security in sight. My God is my security I claim but certain life choices made previously have rocked my boat big time. Now, the confluences of situation and man-caused factors are making it almost inhabitable for my soul to thrive in my body. Some days, I just want to shut down to escape it all.

Prayer has sustained me a great deal but at this rate, it's more like one step up and two steps back. My husband doesn't seem to understand the least bit how detrimental it is for my mental health as he vacillates in the ocean of indecisiveness and negativity. I do not want to undermine the stress he is facing at work and while he is definitely paying a hefty price, especially for newbies starting a fresh career, I am fast becoming collateral damage.

I seem to have arrived at the crossroads. To have to choose between my sanity or my marriage. My man-made solutions are appear to scream sin which I know will break the hearts of many, especially the God who loves me infinitely. Therefore, I implore, beseech that God himself shows me a better way and gives me endurance and sustenance to ride it out. Yet again. Year after year, I have reached this familiar place of brink-of-no-return. Year after year, I've been delivered, sustained and healed. I do not want to undermine His saving power in a hopeless situation just as this.

But I do need clear indicators. Positive ones to tell me again that HE will be my strength and will see me through. Without which, I doubt I can continue on further. I will have to move on.

Sliding doors moment

Today was Grandma's 80th birthday. It was a huge affair with her siblings travelling many hours by car to attend the birthday celebration. And this is just part one. Some relatives from the US will be joining us in Sept for a belated birthday celebration.

My grandma was one out of 13 children born in Malaysia. Our family was one of the first Christianized families in the coastal settlements of China and left for Malaysia in hopes of a better life as war and poverty ravaged China. The lord has traced us down all these generations even when some of us has gone astray. Today as I set amidst many faces I barely recognize due to years of separation, I wonder-what if Ah Ma had not come to Singapore? After she was the only one out of the 13 then ventured south. What if? What would my life be like?

Providence, they say. It's been all mapped out before this thought even occurred.

Why are the lives of my cousins so different from mine? We don't even speak the same language. Some have gone on to migrate to Australia which is ironically, friendlier to the Chinese population than Malaysia which the Chinese helped to build but the thought doesn't escape me and loops round my brain.

I'm thankful to see them. All the grand uncles and grand aunties. God knows how long it'll be before we meet again. They are getting on their years and with our eldest grand uncle already with the Lord, the clock is ticking fast. They live 10 hours away by driving and GPS doesn't always point us where want to go. Also, I don't speak my dialect at all which is what they speak.

I want know so much more about my family, my roots and how the Lord intercepted and made us what we are today. I want to know the individual strands that form the tapestry but the bits are so hard to gather and collect.

Documentation was scanty at best. We have hardly any photos, records etc. All I have are vague memories of my great grandma before she passed on. Nothing said about great grandpa. I wonder why. No one seems to appreciate when I probe so I shut up.

What a pity. Perhaps I will only find out when my number in heaven is called.