Memories of 2013

One will be surprised how much she can remember when things are coming to an end. 

With the year coming to an end, I find myself reminiscing about seemingly insignificant things that I thought would be filed loosely away in the "temporary folder" of my mind. 

I remember:

Cooking a lot this year. Putting together ingredients I never previously knew existed to whip up new permutations of dishes. Hours sweating over the stove, burns etc. Being able to cook everyday was indeed a blessing. I truly missed that.

While I don't miss washing up, the details in slow-motion are now rubbing though my mind like a playlist on repeat mode. It's tedious and I can feel the bite of the detergent and wondering ever too often if my hands will dry up. 

To be able to put my own concoctions on the dining table though knowing it filled the belly of a man I love was , however, worth it. 

Don't know when I'll get to repeat it. Maybe with washing gloves next time. 

Maybe. 

Post holiday fatigue

Feeling majorly I'll with a ponding headache now. No other major ailments but the headache is so bad I'm almost reduced to tears. 

:(

Time, please slow down.

It feels like an eternity since I typed away at the keyboard. It is therapeutic and cathartic, akin to a pianist releasing one's emotions through lengthy compositions.

December always feels like a short month. It is the threshold before the door of a new year opens and it spells suspense and excitement to me. It is also choked full with events and workdays are extremely fast-paced but short. The door is ajar and I can almost peek in. Yet, I still don't know what's on the other side, nary a hint of what is to come.

I marvel at how fast time passes and fades away. How things evolve and change. I marvel that I'm here today, typing. I marvel really. Because I didn't think I could make it.

The airline sent a reminder that I'm heading out of town in less than 7 days. Yet it still feels strangely light years away. I do not remember me ever enjoying work so much. Yes, there are plenty of moments I feel exhausted but when your colleagues have grown on you so much you think you will cry with them and celebrate their best moments, work is a lot less dreary. Work is fun, dynamic and the other matters just fade into oblivion. I still scramble to tie up many loose ends before I head off for a short holiday but apart from that, I doubt I will dread coming back.

So yes, 2014. I think I'm ready. Bring it on.

Out of control

It is not that unfathomable really.

It's pent-up "unshaped energy" that has been brewing in the depths of my soul for the last half year or so. So I unleashed it all in one month.

To be very honest, it felt good. In the past, the joy was always short-lived but this time round, it sure hasn't expired yet and is burning like how Adele could only express it.

I also bought stuff for the family. In preparation for the next haze and our general welfare. Now that the country is not smogged out and we have reasonable air quality and beautiful cool weather (if only it lasts), I even bought a snazzy air purifier.

The financial damage is massive because with it came some fancy device to kill dust mites in my bed. We used it once already and I cannot believe the results. Dustmites and their faecal waste are usually microscopic but mine heaped up into this white mass monstrosity of a thing. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like grey cappuccino foam. Compounded over 5 years. It's hard to imagine I survived that much dust mites given that I'm asthmatic. It's truly a miracle I'm alive despite the constant wheezing which leaves me perpetually fatigued with chest pains as a result of my ever tightening muscles. I'm glad all this is a coming to a complete end.

I'm grateful for the finances to make all these purchases. While buying and buying, somethings purely out of lust, I thought about how this year I truly learnt the lesson of Philippians 4:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Now I just need to exercise some self control and not get carried away. I am reminded of the less fortunate, not just the ones hit by the typhoon in the Philippines but those I work and live with everyday. A huge part of my workforce is filipino and I wonder if I can render direct help. 

Lord, help me to be discerning and to obey. Thank you for your blessings and help me to bless in return.

Yesterday my ear was blocked

What was said: beauty by nature

What I heard: beauty manager 

What was said: are you easily offended? 

What I heard: are you afraid of faggots? 

Tsk me.

My back is aching and all that sleep in the afternoon is making me awake despite and despite drowsy meds.

I'm also secretly kicking myself for being a lousy friend because I forgot a very good friend's birthday. She's been nothing less than stellar and I clean forgot. Actually I didn't forget. I just didn't realise the date yesterday and today. What a friend. I guess we all got spoilt by facebook alerts and when someone doesn't include their birthday, it is as if they are not worthy to be remembered.

Tsk me.

Are you ok?

An innocuous question but one I dread a lot. All because most of the time, I cannot give the desired positive answer of "Yes"and I don't want to lie about it.

Truth is, I still grapple with the pressure, the dark moods, the thunderous clouds of depression despite having so much going for me. It's not like I chose to be unhappy, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes, I feel so utterly besieged by the dark stormy clouds I just want to evaporate-all to escape.

I have learnt instead to just "deal with it". Soldier through it, grit my teeth etc. It's not easy and sometimes, I self-combust leaving smitherines of myself and my loved ones in the wake. I cannot make sense of what is happening or what happened but I grieve. I've hurt the ones I love.

Work-wise, it's like a dream come true. We don't work late at all but the days are super intense. Everything moves at bullet-train speed and sometimes I feel so drained I have actually fallen asleep upon hitting the pillow at 8 pm. In fact, I have fallen asleep just sitting on the toilet bowl. It is utterly draining.

In other news, I learnt that the company I previously worked with has completely shut down. It is no surprise of course given that everytime I opened my email, retrenchment emails were announced. I'm glad I left coz morale was dismal. I'm glad also that in my current work, we partake of community projects close to my heart. Yes, I know there's cynicism behind all corporate charity activities and initiatives because so much publicity is generated for the company but I really believe in these few. I shall not talk too much about it here but I cannot cannot believe that I am paid to do this for a living. Good money and good benefits too. It's wonderful.

Ok. I'm tired and a broken record. I rarely get monday blues but I need to prepare for the week ahead and think of an agenda for Monday's meeting so that I can meet tight deadlines, effectively delegate so I can get work done.

All this and...get my act together with God without feeling like a 1000 tonne of depression.

My asos order is also either severely delayed or completely lost in the mail. I am sad. It's arrival can really add some cheer.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Otherwise known as OCD for short.

I've been diagnosed with many things but not this but I think to some measure, I do have this affliction.

My mind loops endlessly around a problem until I have it solved. Or around a bag until I get it. Or a pair of shoes. I'm flexible on dresses though and my wardrobe's a real mess so it ain't the end of the world. Just. Yet.

I need to have all my ducks in order, figuratively speaking.

That's why I married a duck. A Quek.

Corny I know. Especially when I haven't posted anything for so long and my health is in the dumps with fancy schoomzy stomach dysplepsia but yah, I'm feeling all right now and I think it is a good enough thing to be thankful for and thankful for.

And to be documented.

A little update

2 months into work.
It's been good and kind. I'm thankful.

I just have had very little time for updates. Sorry guys.

Today I took the last knife out of my back.

I have been very naïve. And the price of that naiveté-a job that I could love and do very well in after too many rounds of interview to be shortlisted as the final ONE. Not TWO now, but ONE.

Someone, whom I thought were at least on friendly terms with me decided to plunge a knife in the back and sprouted a whole bag of lies to the hiring people involved. It was a baloney of lies but I had no proof. A pee test would have settled it once and for all but no one's interested in my report. I might have been dismissed as a potential candidate even before I finished typing this blog post.

Upon learning that, I was crushed, shocked and bewildered. A whole gamut of emotions raced across my already frazzled mind and I felt like the world around me spun beyond control. The floor felt like it was giving way under my feet and I wanted to run-but I had no strength.

Psalms 55 says it quite well.

If an enemy were insulting me,
    I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
    I could hide.
¹³ But it is you, a man like myself,
    my companion, my close friend,
¹⁴ with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
    at the house of God,
as we walked about
    among the worshipers.

And..Jesus was betrayed for way less. Still, to have it confirmed from neutral third parties is a shocker because till the last final moments, I held on to the belief that there was good in that person, despite being given the short end of the stick numerous times.

I'm choosing this time to surrender. If it mooted my chances with my dream company, then the lesson I walk away with is : know who your friends Aren't and our relationship stops there. No hypocritical niceties and no cordial "hellos". Just walk away. Forgive and avoid like plague.

As for what happens to me? I know not. It would be nothing short of a miracle if I do get a job after such a low blow but somehow I know I will pick up the pieces and re-start the journey again.

This time, I am determined to win.

The last knife is out of my back. I have decided to throw it away. Not back at the source. The pain is excruciating but it'll heal. As with all wounds. In time.

陳柏霖-我不會喜歡你 (我可能不會愛你插曲"大仁歌")

Be it Taiwan or Hong Kong, I somehow find myself rushing back to the hotel to catch TV series all the time. This is one of my favorite Taiwanese dramas. The theme song along makes me melt. This one. Unreciprocated love.

Grateful

My friend of 17 years left this at my doorstep because I was feeling less than stellar. 

My friend of 11 years who has relocated to china suddenly texts me to tell me I'm previous to God and she's thinking of me. 

Why are my beloveds all going to be/already are so far away? 

Thank God for technology. 

Thank God for them. 

I love you(s)! 

Trusting and more waiting

Don't want to count my chickens before they hatch but things are looking positive.

More waiting as they conduct the reference checks and do their due diligence.

Apprehension arises and self-doubts assail. Will I live up to their expectations? Will I succeed? How will I manage?

God knows. He has the answers. It's ok if I don't. So I'll quit the questions.

And the tide turns

It's strange how some things come full circle sometimes.

Today's interview went well. I didn't realize that till hours later. I was so excited the night before I woke up at 2.12 am. I thought it was at least 7 am because I felt quite energized only to realize I had only slept about 2 hours.

I turned up at the interview location 45 minutes early. This was a complete joke. The receptionist hasn't even reported for work and the building was empty except for the cleaners, who coincidentally were in the exact same color code as me. I guess coral must be really in this summer.

So this is round #4 with the company. After I thought they'd dismissed me time and again. Sending me over to the moon and crashing hard back at earth, shattering my little dream. Someone else took notice of me there despite being passed over. Well, to be fair, I've knocked on the same few doors for TEN years. No exaggeration here. I remembered the exact moment I made up my mind to get my foot through the door. Then, I had dogged determination. It was when I was walking through the backgate of my parents' old place. As I held that green rusty gate, I knew what I wanted to do.

For many fruitless months after graduation, I had every door slammed in my face for having "no experience", "looking too young". Today, I wasn't feeling exceptionally upbeat after the interview because my interviewer was completely emotionless. Like I couldn't read anything from his face at all. It was monotonous, matter-of-factly, ask and answer. As with all open-ended questions, I didn't know how well I fared and left entrusting the whole thing to God.

Hours later at 4pm, I got a call and lo and behold, my interviewer now told me the head wanted to see me tomorrow because I got a glowing report and almost perfect score! Tomorrow will be round #5! I felt like a contestant in one of those shows like American Idol. I just hope tomorrow's panel won't include Simon Cowell. Anyways, Glory to God because I was sooooo sleep deprived and at times, I wasn't sure what I was saying hit the nail on the head.

I'm really psyched up now despite the physical fatigue. They unveiled a fantastic DREAM project for me. Bigger than my wildest dreams I nearly forgot to talk about remuneration package. I am still a tad cautious because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if this doesn't work out but nonetheless, I think I should give myself a little pat on the back for coming thus far and continue committing it all to the God who loves me so much every step is perfectly ordained. I cannot say that I will not be disappointed if I don't get it but after enduring so much disappointment in this compact time vacuum of August (which is not even up yet), I think I'll handle it better.

Will update with news. Keep me in your prayers!

I wish I was asleep.

I really don't want to be up so late but too many things weigh heavy on my heart. And guts. (literally). I had a huge feast earlier and now my stomach is revolting. This is a repeated trend in the story of my life. I have a weakness for food and I keep repeating the mistake of overeating.

In my younger years, I had the metabolism most would envy and could eat copious amounts and still never be fat. These days, I cringe at photos of myself. Yesterday, while at my grandma's 80th donning an empire cut dress, I was asked by a few different relatives who have not seen me for awhile if I was pregnant. I never ever get that.

It does wonders for the self-esteem. Thinking about it now makes me emotional and sad.

Because I do want to be pregnant. The weight gain should come with the pregnancy. Not because I alternate between binge eating and starving myself to alleviate an inner deeper pain that human minds and hearts can access.

I see myself drifting along aimlessly with no security in sight. My God is my security I claim but certain life choices made previously have rocked my boat big time. Now, the confluences of situation and man-caused factors are making it almost inhabitable for my soul to thrive in my body. Some days, I just want to shut down to escape it all.

Prayer has sustained me a great deal but at this rate, it's more like one step up and two steps back. My husband doesn't seem to understand the least bit how detrimental it is for my mental health as he vacillates in the ocean of indecisiveness and negativity. I do not want to undermine the stress he is facing at work and while he is definitely paying a hefty price, especially for newbies starting a fresh career, I am fast becoming collateral damage.

I seem to have arrived at the crossroads. To have to choose between my sanity or my marriage. My man-made solutions are appear to scream sin which I know will break the hearts of many, especially the God who loves me infinitely. Therefore, I implore, beseech that God himself shows me a better way and gives me endurance and sustenance to ride it out. Yet again. Year after year, I have reached this familiar place of brink-of-no-return. Year after year, I've been delivered, sustained and healed. I do not want to undermine His saving power in a hopeless situation just as this.

But I do need clear indicators. Positive ones to tell me again that HE will be my strength and will see me through. Without which, I doubt I can continue on further. I will have to move on.

Sliding doors moment

Today was Grandma's 80th birthday. It was a huge affair with her siblings travelling many hours by car to attend the birthday celebration. And this is just part one. Some relatives from the US will be joining us in Sept for a belated birthday celebration.

My grandma was one out of 13 children born in Malaysia. Our family was one of the first Christianized families in the coastal settlements of China and left for Malaysia in hopes of a better life as war and poverty ravaged China. The lord has traced us down all these generations even when some of us has gone astray. Today as I set amidst many faces I barely recognize due to years of separation, I wonder-what if Ah Ma had not come to Singapore? After she was the only one out of the 13 then ventured south. What if? What would my life be like?

Providence, they say. It's been all mapped out before this thought even occurred.

Why are the lives of my cousins so different from mine? We don't even speak the same language. Some have gone on to migrate to Australia which is ironically, friendlier to the Chinese population than Malaysia which the Chinese helped to build but the thought doesn't escape me and loops round my brain.

I'm thankful to see them. All the grand uncles and grand aunties. God knows how long it'll be before we meet again. They are getting on their years and with our eldest grand uncle already with the Lord, the clock is ticking fast. They live 10 hours away by driving and GPS doesn't always point us where want to go. Also, I don't speak my dialect at all which is what they speak.

I want know so much more about my family, my roots and how the Lord intercepted and made us what we are today. I want to know the individual strands that form the tapestry but the bits are so hard to gather and collect.

Documentation was scanty at best. We have hardly any photos, records etc. All I have are vague memories of my great grandma before she passed on. Nothing said about great grandpa. I wonder why. No one seems to appreciate when I probe so I shut up.

What a pity. Perhaps I will only find out when my number in heaven is called.

Harrowing

Probably the best word I can come up with to describe the day.

Exhausted to say the least. Nothing I didn't expect. I hate being so confused. I need God to straighten out my thoughts and make my paths straight. From my perspective now, they are meandering with the topography of the Himalayas. It is a rough ascent and I don't know if there's enough stamina in me.

Besides a cathartic release and to get my thoughts in order, one reason I'm blogging is also my way to resist online shopping. It's becoming a disease. The compulsive need to buy. I can be so dressed up anytime with the selection I have in my wardrobe, accessories collection and make up stash with no where to go. Sounds tragic.

Buying is therapeutic. It takes my mind off the heavy matters and as I browse through the pretty things that claim to have the potential to make me prettier, I have hope. Until I receive the credit card bill and fall over backwards. Online shopping is even more insidious and hence more evil, IMHO. You don't receive the goods immediately so sometimes, I forget that I've bought a certain something and when out in the brick and mortar stores and needing that item, I purchase it. THEN it appears in the mail 3 days later and tadah....flea market anybody?

The weekend is here but too short. I feel like I need more time to build my marriage with the husband having endured so much stress. We need a breather to reconnect and just talk again. Yet, we have so many limitations. Time, finances and energy. How do others do it? I wonder. Or is it just me? Especially in stressful Singapore. Please let me know if you have any answers.

Surprises-Who would have thought?

So I have some pending news. Some time ago, along with the disappointments, my mum gave me a prophesy she thought she heard from God. It was very specific. Needless to say, disbelieving and faithless me dismissed her and today, it came to pass.

I called her immediately and both of us felt goosebumps and shuddered. We gave praise to God and marveled at His faithfulness. Nothing is confirmed yet and even if it falls through again, I will learn better to walk by faith, not by sight and manage disappointments. Therefore, I will not let this lesson go to waste.

The important lesson here also is: LISTEN TO MUM.

I'm so grateful she is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit and walking so closely to God. She reads Psalms everyday along with other devotional readings and scriptures. She prays and she walks the talk. Who would have thought that just a decade ago, she was steeped in paganism, arrogant and power-hungry? These days, she is humble, a joy to be with and really radiating Jesus in spite of the trials that has beset our family.

Hope lives and Jesus reigns.

A pleasant surprise indeed. All glory and praise to the king of Kings.

Fatigue

Both mentally and physically.

I literally willed myself to stop thinking and mulling today. Not that the divine revelation that fretting does no good hit. I blanked out after awhile and fell asleep amidst the sounds of heavy piling and construction.

Asher coming over today was also a good respite. I love that kid and it breaks my heart to know that he will grow up far away,  never really knowing aunty Xinying. I am thankful that we'll be spending his first birthday together though. Maybe in years to come, we can physically fly over and reunite for subsequent birthdays. Maybe.

Desires denied. Delayed.

That's been the theme of late-Disappointments and I'm not sure how many beatings I can take. While I try my utmost to stay upbeat and positive, count my blessings etc, it's been really hard to stay emotionally afloat and this has taken a toll on many areas of my life.

I am afraid that I'll run out of options. It already feels like it and that feeling is plain suffocating and claustrophobic. I don't think I ever felt this lonely ever in my life. Yet I don't allow people in. It's a paradox really and I'm confused.

I no longer want to shop. I have gone from taking respites in shopping to obsessively wanting to obliterate all the excesses in my life. So many dresses, shoes, make up that I can never finish using. I know I'll come to regret this decision so I never got around to that.

I sound like a broken record. Maybe it's time to just get sleep and do a stock-take on life tomorrow. Maybe pleasant surprises await.

The agony of waiting

He said he'll be done in an hour. As I say this, it has almost been 2 hours and Christina Perri's famous words from a "A Thousand Years" are looping in my head.

"I have died everyday waiting for you"

Then he bursts into the room and says "done!"

Much of life these days revolves around waiting for the husband to finish his work. This is like penance for making him me wait for me in the past. I have tried my best to use the time constructively but sometimes, (ok more often than I admit), I lose my steam when playing the waiting game.

God makes me wait. Isaac makes me wait. I am...THE WAITER!

Glad to know I still retained a dark sense of humour in these trying times. It's innate.

Now, let me check on the "doneness", for he has disappeared again. Not quite it seems. I try to be understanding. The demands of work are hefty. It's not like I am a stranger to it but now I am.

It's hard to be kept waiting-indefinitely. I wish I wasn't the recipient of it all and these days, besides devouring sermons and books ( I ran out of TV series), I literally try to be still. It's an art. (That I have yet to master). The new-agey people do that all the time but God says, to meditate on His word day and night and I can't even still a stray thought for more than 2 minutes. Like now. I ramble and ramble.

I hope to learn the lessons God wants me to learn asap so I can exit and enter the next phase. It will most probably also contain waiting but then, I would at least have mastered the beginner's course to cruise through the intermediate level. Now, I am but a novice.

Dear God, HELP.

The weekend

Top to bottom: my burger, his burger (double the size), selfies of us and the light making my hair look semi glorious. (Just had to preserve that rare moment)

Echoes of faith

Oh lovely day!

Had a too-long postponed meeting with the lovely Katharina.

We laughed and talked and laughed. That summed up the whole afternoon and simple pleasures like these remind me how blessed I am as I take my eyes off my problems and count my blessings.

On another note I've been doing way too much shopping so gotta cut back alittle unless the job works out.

Leaving that in God's almighty hands.

Your will be done, not mine.

Oh lovely day

The difference

They have it all the wrong way around. Falling in love requires you to bare your soul to the other first. Not baring your body. 

While waiting for sleep to arrive

It's 2.44 am on my clock. Yet I lie awake. I've taken the pills I needed to aid sleep but still, it is elusive.

I've devoured tonnes of sermon in vain attempts to reconnect with God and let Him shine a ray of hope into the dark abyss of my soul. Some light is getting through but barely. The journey of healing starts with one step and it doesn't seem to end. Healing is an ongoing process, at least for me. There is so much going on in that soul I wonder how big it really is to stomach so much disappointments and hurts.

What is it really? Haven't I reconciled the pain of my childhood? The abandonment and neglect of being the unwanted child? I really don't have a clue this time around.

I want a job. A job that I can excel in to feed my confidence, to help build some sense of normalcy again because now, I feel like an alien, handicapped by fears and limitations. I'm afraid the stigma associated with depression would arise if anyone would to find out. Even if I can carry out my job duties accordingly. I just want an opportunity and now, even humbling jobs like customer service, if not for their requirements to work weekends are starting to grow on me. Sure, I think I might be overcome with some sense of shame when one of my mother's friends walk by. Or, some polished ex-schoolmate while I clean make-up brushes but the rational part of me tells me no job is to be despised. I excel at these things even when I was a student. Time shouldn't change that. My aptitude for it remains.But now, I fear the looks of men.

Ideally, a job that I can excel in and capitalizes on my strengths with regular hours and a cohesive friendly team of colleagues and bosses would be more than a dream come true. But now that that is elusive, I have to look beyond and re-start my search to make each day more fruitful. Not just in terms of dollars and cents but just to even get human interaction and contribute as little as I can to society.

If you're reading this, please offer a prayer for me. For breakthrough and for hope while I wait on the Lord. Somedays, I feel like the dark moods are so hard to fight I can barely step out of my bedroom. It takes a toil on my husband as he juggles between the heavy demands of his work and his sick wife. I would love to "snap out of it" but the moods, I can't describe them. Even without a focused thought nor a worry, they afflict me relentlessly. I get debilitating headaches and fatigue.

BUT I thank God I can seek solace in this little diary. Maybe even have a little audience of faceless individuals. So I'm not alone.

The remnant indignation left in me is adamant that I will not let depression, demon or anything really steal my destiny and joy. I believe I have one, ordained by the Lord. Big or small, I don't know but I intend to stick to it and be fruitful in it for as long as I live. What I am now is a dismal cry from what it is meant to be. I want to be more, not just for selfish ambition but because I know that that was the deposit that I carry from above.

So God, hear me. Remember me. Sometimes I feel so forgotten by you. I know it's a lie but why is the furnace suddenly so hot and unbearable? How long more must I bear before I see and feel the first rays on my skin and celebrate jubilee? I know you hear me. Even when it doesn't feel like it. I want to believe..help my unbelief. Give me an indication. That you are here. Right here.

Dealing with disappointments

Dealing with disappointments (yet again) takes out more strength than I can possibly afford now. It robs me of hope to keep moving forward and joy to believe that a better tomorrow holds.

Bleak. Yes, that pretty much describes it.

Pain. That too.

There are only so many blows one can take in the boxing ring of life. After the quota is met, the fighter passes out. It might be temporary or it can be blunt force trauma, forever terminating his fighting spirit.
If he recovers, though the process be arduous,all is good because we live to see another day, another sunrise and sunset, children playing and laughing, a chance to do good.

If he doesn't, there is a mourning, albeit temporarily. Maybe a celebration for a life well-lived (for the most part at least) and then, there will be a new child born to carry on.

Hence, the cycle of life.

Timely much?

Somewhere in between.

Today was a little bit rougher than usual. The waiting got to me. I hate not having any answers. I'd rather a straight-out rejection but I need to focus on the silver-lining. At least they're still considering and I'm still in the running for my dream job.

Also, I got disappointed because..6 months on, still no baby. 2013 must be the ultimate year of waiting to hone my patience. Well, at 30, and after so many years as a Christian, if anything I think God decided to produce 70% of that much-needed fruit all at a shot. Ironically, it is His accelerated "patience-honing" program. I am not enjoying it obviously.Some days, I get by with a bare pass. Others, I'm a screaming bratty toddler on the verge of a mental breakdown after being denied TV time.
**
On another note, I was lamenting to self today that there are so few people I can be completely at ease with and just be myself. No pretenses. Not that I ever tried to be anybody else or someone I'm not but I've tried to disguise what I am. Note the difference? More like, I hide my sadness, my discomfort, my anger etc. As the years wear on, there are lesser and lesser people that allow my true self to be at ease and as a result, I've acquired more and more disguises. They usually range from sullen to more sullen. Occasionally, I have the spaced-out look but sometimes, I'm just escaping mentally to stop the tears from gushing out.

**
Being 30 also meant my skin decided to go all hormonal and "let's show em' we're still young!" mode AKA breakouts. Therefore, I decided to adjust my skincare routine as such so let's all take a time machine and zip back to 1996. Actually, in 1996, I didn't have zits. I had near-flawless skin almost all through adolescence. I was one of those "lucky ones". I rarely empathized and understood the agony of acne (just had to make that rhyme). I've gone back to "clean and clear" and started MATTIFYING moisturizers. Went for the cheapest, a Loreal hydrafresh because I figured it is probably the most teenage-friendly product since the price coincides with teenage budgets and WOW. I am so so impressed! Where have I been? My skin is kept supple and hydrated without any sheen for the entire day! I never had a $15 so well-spent. Basically these two products have been so amazing and kind to me I almost welled up with regret and pain over all the thousands I spent on my skin. Also, they turned me into a near beauty blogger by devoting so much of my post to them. Oops.

So the skincare snob is now even more humbled. Yes, I'm super blown away by Watson's pedigree products. My ichagiku (I still can't spell) hair treatment, HADA LABO (cannot-do-without), Loreal Hydrafresh and CLEAN AND CLEAR (in apple scent no less!). In fact, when Watson's had a 50 cents discount, I went all OCD and bought bottles to stock up. Yes, auntie-mode for teenage products. I'm confused.

That said, I'm still eyeing that $89 blue therapy serum from Biotherm and Shu Umera's Tsuya eyecream. It's crazy pricey for an eye-cream and the best therapy really is to sleep and then conceal dark circles but it's just one of those things I don't give up on.

Yes, somethings don't change. And, if all else fails, I'll just start a beauty blog. ;p

As fad as my colorful personality goes..

Wanted to throw in shades of hot pink but they were already dried up after months of neglect. This teal is new and is a cousin few shades darker than the handiwork of mint on my feet. So there. 

Otherwise, I'm still a tad blue.

Fidgety

Yet again, a trial of my patience and faith. Another one. I'm not complaining and I do believe I'm stronger than before to take it on and my soul is more fortified with faith and bolstered with the encouragement of supportive individuals this time round, giving me strength to stand..still and believe.

Doubts still assail relentlessly and the occasional bout of fear that I'll end up wallowing in an abyss of regret if the outcome is contrary to what I had prepared for.

So I pray and pray and listen and listen endlessly to sermons. Running to God so that I won't run astray like so in the past. So I won't lapse back into worry-wart state. Been talking in my sleep so much and the nasty quality of sleep has been taking a toil on my complexion (oh woe!). Despite my best efforts at resisting and spiritual warfare, the enemy occasionally still sneaks in a despairing thought or two or a devastating scenario in my mind. It's not easy but I try my best to recount every single blessing, even the smallest or seemingly insignificant ones that I so often take for granted and just keep. on. moving.

I'm sure God has a perfect reason in delaying the outcome and though curiosity killed the cat, I won't let it defeat me this time. Delays, they reveal to me the condition of my heart and for the first time in a long time, strengthens my intimacy and dependence on Him. He keeps time best. He is never late. He knows best. No demon in hell can stop Him if this is part of His plan for me.

I just want His plan now. Not mine, not my parents'. Whatever it may be.

Holding my breath

So I turned down the teaching position after much deliberation, thought and prayer. Wise counsel from those who knew me too. It just wasn't me.

Narrowed it all down to two now.

Who would have thought that the second was even an option? Sometimes God really surprises me.

What other surprises do you have up your sleeve dear Father?

Day with Asher

Went to burst my zit and it became a mini-volcano spewing blood!

Overheated

My posts are usually late-night musings.

This is a rare exception.

I'm literally melting in this weather despite the AC being on.

My pasty skin doesn't reflect how bad it is but it is so hot I can imagine my hair standing from the ferocity of the heat.

And WORST of all, the heat has penetrated my body. Me, the TCM junkie who is all about keeping the fine balance between cooling and heating elements over indulged in "heaty" food over the past week and is now paying the sorry price for it. I have fierce zits on my face that remind me to "cool down" and drink water (I drink way too little) and ulcers on my tongue (as if to punish me from over-eating). They are so painful I feel like the only thing I can eat is ice-cream for all my meals. I'm really fine with this.

So there, birthday week. I'm 30. But I still need to obey natural laws of "reap what you sow" and there are still no exemptions from careless debauchery and gluttony.

:(

Turn off the sun now.

Encapsulating memories

Can you tell I'm nervous?

A brand new decade

It wasn't like I imagined. At all.

I didn't hyperventilate and faint. I didn't feel an exponential increase of wisdom or overwhelming fatigue (as with age).

I had a simple day. Almost like any other ordinary day. But I'm thankful. I haven't had ordinary for too long and I have since learnt to not take ordinary for granted.

I didn't get to sleep in as I would have wished to due to construction and my part-time helper vacuuming up a storm too early in the day. I went for tea with Mum and shopped. Nothing fruitful came up in this expedition except free samples (thank you Clarins) and a bright coral dress (at a hefty discount! thank you God!).

Dinner was Italian's at La Nonna and because I specifically insisted that we have no cake, we got me Mao Shan Wang durian ice cream instead. It was rich and yummy, although not exactly the best for my over-heated constitution as manifested in my zitty face.

I'm so glad that my turning thirty gave us all an excuse to get together after all the turbulence my family went through this year. I'm so glad work gave Isaac a reprieve so he could have dinner with me. I am SOO thankful.

Looking back, I just cannot imagine how God saw me through these thirty yers (there, I said it) even though so many times, I thought I wouldn't make it. The finish line seemed so close and dismal. Every birthday was like a harbinger to more trials but despite all the trials, His grace and love saw me through. Even when I misunderstood Him. In fact, His love and faithfulness were the only constants in my life when everything else was in chaos and disarray. Just a few months ago, every area in my life reeked of the stench of despair and death. The death of marriages and health. Now, spring finally arrived and even though circumstances are still less than ideal, I have an innate joy and confidence that I haven't had for the longest time. I guess that's the best birthday present really.

Some have asked me what they can get me for a birthday present. I used to decline politely because I know I was too picky and didn't want to cause inconvenience especially if it turns out to be a gift I won't use. This year, it is different. I still decline but because everything I need and really wanted can only be gifted by the Gift Himself. I just want to be closer to Him, to know Him and to win and comfort souls for His glory.

So job or no job, child or childless, I just want Him happy and that every moment I live to be a Jesus-filled, God-glorifying moment. I want to eradicate complaining and self-pity out of my system and form new habits that demonstrate Him. It won't be easy but thankfully, it is not by my effort but His.

So there, Happy THIRTIETH birthday to me! Thank you sweet Lord!

Almost 30

Haven't had a bbq in awhile. Little wonder why because of the hassle it involves.

Given how things have been the past year with the family, I'm just so grateful everyone turned up for me. My brother even brought his gf too and I already love her. I know it's merely first impressions but I'm all for her being my baby sister already.

My husband patiently stood at the grill for the longest time and served all of us. I was very touched by his gracious heart of servitude despite his fatigue from the long hours at work.

I feel so much better and comforted at the way things are now. Might just be temporal but I count my blessings for however long they last.

God heard my birthday wishes. That's all I need to know now.

A teeny relapse

Perhaps I slept the afternoon away because of the stomach flu and cough.

Perhaps my spirit is a tad heavier today because my interview was postponed and I was inundated by fear and irrational thoughts that the vacancy might be filled by someone else.

Perhaps I just feel lousy about myself for falling sick when I've been sick-flu-free for 7 months (a mean feat if you even knew what crazy health I previously battled).

Perhaps its all that. 

Which is why I'm awake feeling sorta blue.

Coughing induced headache

I coughed and coughed so relentlessly it was like ants crawling in my throat/windpipe. 

Sleep deprived and having a kick-ass headache now. 

:( and still so much to prepare for interview. 

What I think Jesus would do if His friend was homosexual.

This is a difficult post for me to pen and it was sparked by an article I read about a Christian couple who just lost their son to drugs because he struggled for years with self-loathing due to his sexuality.

They did what most well-meaning Christian couples would do in their predicament. They tried to "straighten" him through prayer, counselling etc. He was receptive for the most part and really desired holiness and to please God. However, 6 years into that endeavor, he gave up and forsook God and spiraled down an odyssey of darkness into sin and drugs. He eventually succumbed to a fatal dose and now as the mother puts, she just wished she had a "breathing son to love".

I will never fully and truly understand the loneliness and painful struggles of a homosexual. Especially one whose faith marks it as an utter abomination and whose society they reside in is very conservative. Today, I had a long talk with one of my dearest friends who has stood by me through the darkest times in my life and is a homosexual. We did not talk about the gay issue. We did not talk about the Christian issue. We just hung out like schoolkids over tea and laughed over mindless things-like old times. And then it hit me, then just because one is gay and I am a Christian (who still believes homosexuality is a sin and not of God), I don't have to center everything around it or let it dominate everything. Neither do I have to have a secret agenda to "coax" them out of it even as I desire God's best for them. I cannot explain why they have these inclinations. Neither can they and I guess, if they could choose for themselves, they wouldn't want it to. Who would? It results in being marginalized in both family and society and even jobs discriminate whether we admit it or not.

At the end of the day, it is not my job to work out holiness in them. If I were to be less of a hypocrite, I can't even work out holiness in myself for crying out loud! It is God's work in me as I surrender and walk daily with Him. It is a difficult and sometimes very treacherous journey that requires constant commitment. Sometimes, I falter when the storms of life brew but He picks me up and loves me the same. That acceptance and unwavering faithfulness and tried love gives me the strength to pick myself up and take the next step. Likewise, shouldn't I extend the same to others when I myself have been such a big recipient?

I don't want to wait for the day until I lose them to not be able to love them. For the first time today, it suddenly dawned on me on how much they respected me as a person. They knew how I saw the sin, that I'm Christian and how uncomfortable it made me and they never displayed PDA in my presence. They were respectful when I shared about Jesus in my life, my struggles etc. Yet, I did not reciprocate. I am ashamed. Excuse me while I shed these self-righteous robes just because I'm heterosexual.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating an endorsement on homosexuality. I'm saying, no matter how you view it, as a sin or not, to love people as unique, individuals for who they are and accept them. Love them for as long as they breathe because as long as they are alive, there is room for God to intervene. So while I still hope that they "straighten" out, I am going to hold out that hope for them even as they give up on themselves. But these hope extends beyond "straightening out". This hope is for them to know Love himself, personified in the person of Jesus. And, even if they do not "straighten out", I am determined to love them because I know that's exactly what my God did for me. Love and friendship should not have to rest upon the denomination of sexuality.

Father, teach me to love, even those I do not understand.

Processing grief

Today I found out that one of my favorite people on earth just went through the trauma of having had an ectopic pregnancy. She found out about the pregnancy and that it was ectopic within the same day. Before she could even process the details, she found herself being wheeled in for emergency operation to terminate the pregnancy because it could prove to be potentially fatal for her as the embryo grew in her fallopian tube.

I cannot quite describe what I felt upon hearing it. I felt sick, to the point of nausea and grief. I felt so much for her and knew she would be a great mum. I felt the searing pain of her loss even though it wasn't my child.

At the end of it all, I think I feel hope resurrected. That though I don't know why things like these happen to the best of us, a one who has walked so closely with God and has a heart so big and generous, I am sure God will restore and resurrect dead dreams. I am confident that He is still good in the midst of it all and I take comfort that He will and is walking her through this painful episode.

A WHOLE DECADE!!

Today marks the day we've been together for a good whole decade.

The roller-coaster ride of a decade.

10*365 days-3650 days. I'm in shock! We survived!!

Praise God!!
-still in shock-

Will process coherent thoughts later.

The truth-first hand account of depression

I debated long and hard whether to pen this post. Even though I'm frequently frustrated by the misconceptions and untruths about depression, I never found it in me to correct them except for that one time I sat down with an acquaintance and explained it to her-because she asked. I didn't do it because of the exact same reasons that the untruths are based in. Ironically.

Depression has revisited me a few times in my life and I would like to think of it as "the flu of my soul". Like any other flu, it is mostly a bout that lasts a few months and its symptoms alleviate with medication. I can boost my (mental) immunity by managing stress and grief effectively as life inevitably throws lemons but when it does fall below ideal levels, the flu hits and I need to know how to manage it and not succumb to it.

Just as Christians get the flu, Christians who get depression aren't necessarily having a lapse of faith in their walk with God. This is a complete fallacy. In my moments of illness, God has been even more palpably close and comforting. He alone gives me strength. Together with the support of loved ones, I get through every bout stronger. I cannot guarantee that it will not return. Even flu vaccines only last about a year but I know that I have the means to overcome it and overcome it I will.

It takes a lot of mental strength and clarity to drown out the condemning voices that concern depression. I do not hold it against the ignorant but the usual stigmas like it being a sure indicator of weakness or a barometer of one's relationship with God (for Christians) can be extremely hurtful. It's the surest way to kick someone when one is down.

Depression is fundamentally an illness. It is triggered by stress and grief before it clouds the mind with hopelessness and despair. Then, a chemical imbalance in the brain takes place and medication is necessary to correct that imbalance for it to properly function again. When stabilized, the patient is then able to receive counselling to properly process grief, disappointment etc. It is like any other illness being rehabilitated. Those patients are to receive love, care and support to facilitate and accelerate the healing process.

As an asthmatic, I learn to avoid allergens like dust that will trigger off my asthma. Likewise, I avoid situations that will overwhelm me or take necessary precautions when it comes to depression like disciplining myself to focus on a promise from God for example. When even that mental function is handicapped, I call upon trusted ones and quickly seek medical attention to get me in the right order and not let the nasty bout of depression try to take over my mind.

It is real. But it's not the end. It's treatable. It can recur. Life can still go on well.

So the next time you encounter a depressed individual, love a little more. Give space but show love too.

Oh, and it isn't contagious.

My spot of heaven on earth-FOUND.

The blue-er skies misled me to believe that it was safe to venture out.

Despite the improvement in air quality, it apparently was not Xinying-proof yet. As a result of going out, I am now paying the price with laboured breathing, rapid heart palpitations and cough. My throat seems lined with phlegm and medication has proved futile.

It is difficult to talk when asthma hits. I can barely gesticulate for help and garner any attention. I have witnessed three people suffer from lung cancer. One died in front of me and to imagine how much worse their suffering must be as they struggle for breath in their severely weakened state is horrifying.

Strangely, as I try to ride out this momentary trial, the lyrics of an old song keep coming to mind.
"Our dreams are young and we both know, they'll take us where we want to go..."
I've forgotten what most of my dreams were. A lot of them have also been "revised" as life matured me. One remained. That I grow old and well with Isaac. I am so thankful for him, especially in this last 6 months. This july, we would have been together a full decade. A whole decade of emotional upheavals.

Now that I'm older, I no longer dream and yearn so much about travelling the world unless it is with Isaac. My idea of heaven on earth is now whereever he is and I don't want to be separated by distance and timezones anymore. Well, I will not dismiss the possibility of taking my solo journeys to HK for shopping because it is a complete bore to him and I usually have to compensate by feeding incessantly but generally, yep, that's it. Heaven is where your loved ones are and I'm so glad I've found my spot of heaven here on earth. It's such a blessing.

I hope the job interview turns out well. For now, it seems perfect. The JD fits me to a T and for once, it doesn't require ANY travel (except a 40 minute commute every morning) and the industry screams my name. I'm up against strong candidates and can only pray.

God, I know you heard me the first time but since I can't really verbalize my prayers in this asthmatic condition, please let everything go smoothly for the interview. Grant me loads of favour and wisdom to impress and secure the job. Secure the best terms for me please. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Debunked myth

Depression is not a barometer of my relationship with God. 

What the haze brought out

This week, my tiny country was plunged into a state of crisis as the PSI soared to over 400. the whole country was engulfed in ash from Indonesia's slash and burn efforts, a traditional method of clearing forest for farming.

What resulted was a whole host of problems for us. Barring expected problems like respiratory difficulties and of course, no visibility, it was said that this episode set our economy back by $1.3 billion. Somehow, being Singaporean, when it's measured in dollars and cents, it really presents a clearer picture of how bad it really was.

For me, with my less than stellar wind-pipes and lungs, I struggled with breathing on the day the PSI dipped. This was very ironic and truly a terrifying episode. For a moment, I was not sure if I was going to die by asphyxiation or heart attack as my heart raced to send oxygen to the oxygen-starved parts of my anatomy (which really was everywhere). I had trouble breathing in my N95 mask too which, while insulating me against the assaults of toxic micro air particles, denied me oxygen as well. It was a tricky catch-22 situation.

During that moment of vulnerability, my thoughts really went out to those who had no air conditioning in their homes, had no refuge from the haze and worse, with worse health problems and had to soldier on working. Unlike neighbouring countries, including the culprit itself, no stop-work order was issued despite these hazardous levels. I cannot imagine how much worse they must have it. The population plunged into hysteria and panic and N95 masks were snapped up and hoarded. It brought out the worst and best in people. On one hand there were profiteering and enterprising individuals who hawkered the masks for exorbitant prices when supply was low and demand, at an all time high. This was truly dismal as to see humanity so depraved and selfish.

The silver lining however was that many also stepped out to offer their homes with air purifiers to strangers. Some even used their own business/personal resources to fly in special supplies of masks and individually give them out for free to those in need. I am so proud of my fellow country-men when I read of such reports and they truly deserve commendation. They resurrect a glimmer of hope for mankind and warm my heart. They truly inspire me.

The worst is not said to be over although we have a brief respite. However, the air quality in nearby johor is said to be worse than what we had which, in my opinion is already unbearable. Seeing that Singapore pretty much snapped up the world's supply of N95, I really don't know how they are going to cope. I pray for a miracle and comfort for those affected and for the haze to be gone.

This whole crisis was conceived because of greed and though it sparked off more avarice in people, light also shone out of this (hazy) darkness. Many innocents suffered and I hope for more relief, especially for the sick and poor. It also taught me to treasure the days I have, whether I have what I desire, whether I have a job or a child. My beautiful house, my air conditioning and my husband. All preciousness deposited from God. I hope my purpose will be more defined and that I will learn to bless others too, beyond my existing capacity of seeming nothingness.

Silver lining in the gloom

The PSI shot up to an unprecedented high of 321 some hours ago. Who would have thought? Suddenly the notion of living in HK doesn't seem all too bad. Our problems are similar and finally, our air quality is surpassing theirs in terms of inferiority.

Nonetheless, in spite of it all, I'm thankful for my air conditioner. I cannot imagine the plight of those without. I've had asthma since childhood and breathing in ash can't be good for any healthy lung, much less a deficient one.

I'm thankful I have a warm comfortable bed to snuggle up in with the person I love most.

There's still so much to be grateful for despite the gloom.

Possibly the saddest words ever said

Daddy

For years and years I've sought your understanding and your love but it was almost always met with indifference and a harsh word, if not a violent smack.

Now you say you'll love me, always. I hate to inform you that I've grown accustomed without your love. I've learnt to live without your love like one would live without water to survive. I'm not doing well but I made it thus far. It's been a long treacherous journey and suddenly, now that your love is suddenly available, I don't know what to do with it. I am thankful but there's no hole left to fill. To put it crudely, maybe I don't need what you can give anymore. You missed the boat. I'm no longer that little girl pining and yearning. I'm almost a 30 year old. Broken and amassed a heap of broken and unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.

No one has taught me how to be me in a big scary world. To be true to myself. To endure, to fight. No one will teach me how to parent my child the best way possible when my turn comes. I have no predecessors to emulate after.

I appreciate that your love came. Better late than never I say but now, I don't know where to shelve it or what to do with it.

Prayer request

-That God fill me with joy and peace
-Assurance of His love
-Hope that hopes against hope.

Depression

The moods have been getting darker like cumulonimbus clouds fogging my mind and perspective. I can barely breathe shrouded in this thickness.

Before all this happened, the demise of hope took place. My hope slowly eroded away insidiously without my knowledge. Before I could do anything to save the last vestiges of it, it has already gone too far down under.

Isaac now wants me to go back on medication. I acknowledge the merits it brings-the clarity in my mind to process thoughts and think objectively, thereby setting the engines of healing into motion. BUT I remember how painful the cold-turkey treatment and side effects were and the thought of having to be on life-long medication without chance of respite puts me off so badly. There are always two sides of a coin. If the argument that it is really a physiological, physical chemical imbalance triggered by circumstances, then like illnesses like diabetes, I would have to be on life long medication to mitigate the symptoms. This would imply that my life would be so severely limited by the walls depression has closed in on me. If otherwise it can be resolved after a short period of medication to get me on track to my life, my true self, then it will well be worth it. Unfortunately, I have been through these so many rounds before to truly hold hope that this is temporary and surmountable.

With each round, it gets harder, not easier. If I survive this round, I would really love to go on and just be there for fellow sufferers. There is no easy way out, no band-it for a wound of this magnitude and the only solace when you can't even hear God is really a friend whom you can trust. Just to be there. Even if there are no words left to say.

Depression

Depression is a strange thing. It doesn't qualify as a physical ailment but a mental illness which brings along with it so many unsavory connotations. I won't go into that now.

It clogs and fogs up my mind. Contrary to popular belief, I do not feel down all the time. At times, I just feel numb and there's literally nothing in my mind.

I also lose a lot of my memory when I usually have the memory of an elephant.

It's terrible.

王力宏 + Westlife 盖世英雄演唱会 You Raise Me UpHD

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/6Rh5PpXNxbw

A song dedication from above

　 你的心情总在飞,什么事都想去追

　 想抓住一点安慰,

　 你总是喜欢在人群中徘徊

　 你最害怕孤单的滋味

　 你的心那么脆,一碰就会碎

　 经不起一点风吹

　 你的身边总是要许多人陪

　 你最害怕每天的天黑

　 但是天总会黑,人总要离别

　 谁也不能永远陪谁

　 而孤单的滋味,谁都要面对

　 不只是你我 会感觉到疲惫

　 

　 当你孤单你会想起谁

　 你想不想找个人来陪

　

　 你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会

　 让我再陪你走一回

Ashes of a broken life

After the last post, everything spiralled downhill pretty fast.

Nothing drastic in particular happen and most of it is as they would say "in my mind". I battled thoughts that weighed heavier than titanic and sunk me down to the lowest depths of a dark abyss. It's not an unfamiliar place and I've been there before but no matter how much of a war veteran I've been, I will never get used to the sickening feeling of helplessness and confusion. My mind fogs up and there is no reprieve. The most I could do is to stay as still as possible physically and stare at the ceiling, allowing my mind to go into a complete blank.

Yesterday in particular was extremely traumatic. I still shudder at the nightmare that it was. Needless to say, it distressed more than just me and affected my family members as well. For that, I feel extremely bad to have to have them worry so much about me.

I'm not much better yet and my faith/hope isn't altogether restored but I am starting to tell myself repeatedly that it's ok to be where I am now. I never believed in this repetitive self-talk business but it's my last resort. It is ok specifically to be a homemaker with no kids. I am not less of a person and not a loafer. It is ok to be not perfect. Cut yourself some slack.

In the meantime, forgive me if I have to be a hermit. I can barely deal with myself now and as irony would have it, I suddenly have a tsunami of social engagements to attend, almost all which cause me great stress with the inevitability of questions arising such as "what are you doing now?" and "I haven't seen you in a long time. How are you?". I do not have any answers for these questions and I am afraid that I might not even be able to remember who even asked. Faces are just faces now and mean absolutely nothing to me.

Until I sort out these questions pertaining to my self-worth myself, I am adopting an isolationist policy and only permitting myself to meet my most trusted close circle. In any case, if I have learnt anything at all, people can be the worst poison and really impede my healing process. While I know it cannot possibly be healthy long-term to be a hermit, I am just not ready for human beings.

Wherefore art thou Job?

On a separate note, another job called me up again. This would be the seventh unsolicited one this season. Again, it led to nought.

Now there are three left in the running that I really want. They pay a lot less (at least 50%) but I want them so much. They offer some sort of challenge and yet provide good hours and a decent environment (read: cheap labour).

But it looks way out of reach. Firstly, I've not had much experience in admin. Secondly, not much talent. Thirdly, I still don't know how to answer the perennial question "why are you willing to take such a pay cut" without sounding like I have no ambition, am not up for any challenge and just want ANY JOB that complements my husband's job.

Life as it is now

Waiting is so hard.

But the theme of waiting runs throughout the bible and is documented well in all the patriarchs of old. It is arduous, trying and sometimes sheer painful as doubts assail and confusion looms. For me, it often causes me to think retrospectively in detail as I doubt whether I heard God right, made the right decisions etc and of course, there's the age old temptation to craft my own solutions and to help God move along or speed up. I disrespect his timeline, thinks that He has forgotten me and of course, as history has evidenced, often create more problems than before.

Which is why even though I have no job and no bun in the oven, I'm doing everything I can by crucifying this impatient, faithless monster that lives in me. Biting my nails, tongue anything to keep the monster within from rearing its ugly head.

It is extremely difficult and I've never done well for tests like these. I am impatient by nature and my lack of childhood discipline did little to curb it. Some days, dark clouds of gloom loom over my thoughts and literally weigh me down the throes of depression. Thankfully, I have the support of prayers from my husband and as a veteran of depression, I'm better equipped now to fend off the feelings of hopelessness.

I really don't know how long this season will last or how long I will last in this season. Hopefully, I outlast it and emerge victorious as I trust God and win the waiting game. Hopefully , hope will return and my heart will swell with faith again and the fiery arrows of doubt will be quenched as I grow in Him.

I pray that God teaches me to cherish the season, strange as it sounds, prayerfully read and grow in Him, use my time wisely and improve my homemaking skills (lotsa yummy home cooked food to bless the bodies).

The very long weekend.

This long weekend I missed a wedding I didn't want to miss.

The wedding was held over two days and while I didn't rsvp to be present on the second day, I merely ''tapaoed'' my ang pow and registered my absence. Spent the day with my mother instead, chionging the taka sale. The whole experience left me feeling physically exhausted but happy in the light of all the drama that has happened and it restored some sort of normalcy into our lives, even though I don't ever have a single recollection of thronging big sales like that with my mum. Ever. We literally had to inch in, inch out, queue up endlessly and her, with blistered feet. If not for her, I'll never do that again.

At lunch today, we bumped into the lovely Khoo family. Auntie KW told me so sweetly that we are dear to her and she was sad but didn't want to push when I missed CNY visiting. She knew I was going through a tough phase and just prayed for me. I love them so much. Uncle just went on with jokes and chortled at..everything. It was so nice my risotto paled in comparison even though it was oh-so-good. I love them so much and they've been my inspiration to so much. People like them remind me God is alive and there is good in this world. Somedays, I fear they'll die before me (which is pretty much the natural order of things). I've been so blessed to have so many parental figures in my life. Surrogate ones to make up for the lack of the natural parenting I never had. I can't believe they're Peter's parents because they feel so much younger than him and he just nags me more than they do. It's a blessing to have wonderful friends like Pete and Kel but even more when their parents rock and house me, nurse me and dote on us so much.

This was timely because I've been assuaged by feelings of hopelessness and defeat again. Isaac and I just can't see any way out of our situation , in the natural. It's so hard to take our eyes off what we have to live through while projecting for the future. As such, a lot of hope is robbed and it hit me harder than it hits him. I wonder about our future, my job etc. I also have existentialism issues and questioning whether my existence is justified, what is the meaning of all these, what is God thinking etc. I am desperate to hear from God and have to forcefully calm myself down. Nope, actually I am so calm these days I feel like the living dead. I just go through the works of life and honestly, wonder how long I have to repeat it.

Which leads me to tonight. I was super bummed that I fell asleep at 10 pm naturally only to be wide awake now at 3.18 am. Don't know how to get back to sleep but am thankful to be able to straighten out thoughts here. Still have so much to be thankful for even though living is hard. Also, if I just look around, my life ain't that bad even though the feeds on facebook seem to suggest that everyone else is better.

Cliche still stands. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow.

I feel orphaned and I almost feel a palpable chill in my spirit coupled with a dull ache in my chest. Sometimes I wonder how long it'll take for God to fill up the ginormous black hole in my heart and if I'll live long enough to be whole.

I know I cannot rush these things but my impatience is getting the better of me.

God help me, again.

Simple blessings

Now that I'm more ore less settled into the routine of a housewife, it seems that the whole job search has begun yet again, ramping up in speed.

Chermaine reminded me today that ''being a housewife is a calling too''.

Interesting thought. I never saw it that way.

For so long I mulled over all the things I didn't have or in my case, gave up. I didn't have children early, I gave up my career and am now a dowdy housewife. I even told Isaac it was perhaps more worthwhile for him to invest in a pet than in me. First, he gets entertainment and more loyal company from say, a poodle. The poodle's grooming budget is probably less than mine too. I lamented my existence and all the things that didn't seem to go well with me. Until I was intercepted by a thought. Isaac happened. We both have a roof over our heads. We are both healthy. I know so many others would have been over the moon to enjoy these spectacularly simple blessings. Yet there I was, living in the laps of blessings but being completely oblivious to it.

Yes, there are still concerns especially now that my ginormous tax bill is in and the last I checked, my CPF can't last more than a year. We have to make plans to get the financial engine going again but every plan I've made so far has failed dismally. It's almost as if God grabbed the keys to the car of life that I was determined on driving without following His instructions from my hands. Against my will.

And now, to be very honest, I am very happy being ''poor' housewife. I loved the fact that he can come home to a home-cooked meal everyday. I love having time to spend with him...even though sometimes it means waiting around until he finishes work to catch a show together. I am starting to appreciate the fact that we don't yet have kids and can live like newly-weds. I am less anxious now and even if I do have a job, it cannot compromise our togetherness and I know that while I probably have to bid farewell to some home-cooked meals, we can still continue to collect memories and build a strong foundation for our marriage.

So there, here's the perspective change I've long been waiting for but didn't realize it.

I'm grateful. For so much.

I love him more than I love myself and never thought it was possible. Now, i don't even know where to find love in my heart for another being. Now that I'm more secure in his love, I cannot describe the increased peace I now feel. On that same tangent, I cannot imagine how much more peace I'll enjoy (goodbye insomnia) if I just knew God's love for me. I really really want to know it more, deeply so that I can walk in faith and trust Him and His character and stop fending for myself.

Marriage vows -21st Century

Just realized that for many modern marriages, it is no longer a matter of "till death do us part" but "till work do us part" every so often.

Makes me rethink what God would have wanted for my family and what is truly pleasing to God.

Everything in its time-Corrine may

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you
The answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

All wrong

Me: did you notice anything different about me today?
Him: yah your left shoulder is higher than your right! You are wearing a new shirt!
Me: noo! My hair!!
Him (proceeding to touch my hair): yah, it's a bit warm.

Correct answer: I dyed my hair and curled the ends.

Fifth!

I got another call today! I'm starting to get really amazed and confused. I applied for nothing and this looks quite like it. I'm not sure if it'll pan out because I feel so under qualified.

Now the trick is to be still and rest. Let God orchestrate and choreograph my next steps.

Fourth

Right after I closed the door to one job yesterday, another came a knocking at my door today. Is the market so hot? I have never had so many job propositions without applying in such a short time. All the times I looked so hard for a job, nobody got back. 

This position is slightly more attractive. It is a maternity cover for someone but the remuneration is even more than my previous by 20%. 6 months. Maybe I can pull it off. The discussion is tomorrow. So we'll see. I don't want to be presumptuous and count my eggs before they hatched but this seems totally do-able and complies with all my conditions! I get to be mentally stimulated, not too stressed (it's a 6 month project afterall) and I still get to build my family! And did I mention they're offering 20% more? 

A little secret

Slept for 12 hours. Woke up during the morning thunderstorm but fell asleep soon after again.

Praise God!

I just said no again.

Let some stories end

Some time ago, my friend asked me why the industry I was in was fraught with so much drama. Back-stabbing politics and and tricky circus-like maneuvering of processes were part and parcel of a day's work. Needless to say, it was a drain emotionally, mentally and physically to constantly be on my guard to outwit, outsmart and outlast. I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse it is for others in other sectors like finance whereby it is manifold times worse. I shrugged at her question. I've been in there so long and my resume was built up on surviving these dramas. Where else can I go? There is no retreat option. While it took a toll on me in many areas, I generally enjoyed a job well done and a product well-launched. I lived for the thrill of successes translated into healthy profit margins. It was all I understood work to be and I could not imagine doing anything else for work.

However, with the years getting on, it is increasingly difficult to sustain this kind of work lifestyle and I was forced to look at other options which left me completely lost in a vacuum. I did not know what else I was qualified for and the thought of starting afresh in an unfamiliar (but perhaps friendlier) environment was daunting. I did not know normal. It did not exist in my work vocabulary all these years. I wondered how dysfunctional (me) and normal could co-exist. I might even upset others' work equilibrium.

After taking a long hiatus from work, I started thinking that maybe, just maybe it's ok to let that story of my life end completely. That I need not return to it. That I might actually be able to do something else. Entertained this thought for two days and counting and I started looking around different tabs on job portals to discover other avenues. Maybe I can decide that it will not be just the end of another chapter but a complete end to the story. Maybe after so many years of living on a roller-coaster, I can head for the "tea cup ride" of life and enjoy it.

That said, after a few applications for jobs outside the industry, NONE got back. Instead, I got yet another unsolicited proposition for a full-time role in a company based in Shanghai but extending its reach to SE Asia.

The jury is still out on whether the story will end or if it can take a sharp abrupt turn in direction and settle for a slower, less strenuous pace. Or perhaps, maybe after the grueling training, I can lie low and let the arrows fly swiftly over my head, unscathed.

We'll see.

Green-eyed monster

This is a confession.

There's this girl. I almost want her life.

I admire/envy (it's a very  fine line) more than those born with a silver spoon entrenched in their throats. She scored jobs with fancy big-name companies, flitted and lived in many big cities spanning across the globe. She earned fancy money, dated the same guy for more than a decade, settled down and now have two beautiful kids. While I don't know the details on how she got so ridiculously far and fast in all aspects of her life, she just managed to make it look like an absolute breeze. Now, she's a SAHM and from the looks of it, she doesn't worry the least bit about money.

Now, I know her. Not very well at all but I know she doesn't qualify to be wicked or evil. She's not even that aesthetically pleasing. Nice is the word. Pleasant and fun-loving. Almost normal. Every once in awhile, someone like that has to appear in your life to remind you that it seems so achievable. Why is it so hard for me then? It could have been me.

I caught myself before I descended further down the spiral of envy and turned a luminous shade of green. Yes, people who have seemingly enviable lives does not need to always 1) have unimaginable hardship or 2)be absolutely wicked. Time and chance can happen to all,even the girl next door. I wanted these things (who am I kidding? I still do). I had a semblance of it but God chose a different path for me. The stars were not aligned as such and why should I yearn for pastures that are seemingly green (again!) that are not mine? Because it is so much easier to look away from your own life, from the good you have. What a lie.

What I want maybe somewhat dissimilar to what God wants because my fleshly desires still live but that's when I surrender and say, "Not my will but Yours be done" and be contented and thankful for what has been given to me. My health, my family and the money we do have. Oh, and the friends. I am quite sure her friends can't top mine :).

So I slay the recurrent green-eyed monster again, put it to death and turn away. "In my life Your will be done" instead. I submit my desires to You. Even though we disagree. Because You love me. Because You know best. Because I'm called to be different. Because life is too short to be looking at her life and miss living my life.

Incomplete. Dozing off

So often I've tossed and turned in an hour like this wondering if I'll ever amount to anything great, hoping for grand events to sweep me off my feet.

And therefore so often I've been crushingly disappointed and attributed this to either God's inactivity and that He hears the prayers of others more than mine.

Mosaic of my past for a masterpiece of my future

Haven't been this sick in almost forever. Now my nose and ears are both striking in unison and not allowing anything to pass through their appointed medium posts.

So much time has passed since the horrible events of 2012.

I thought with the physical closing of the chapter, I could be free of the complementary demons that accompany the grief and depression.

Till now, I still can't sleep unaided and in the dark. I still get fierce panic attacks that suggest a cardiac arrest instead. I've forgotten the grief so why is it so? Somewhere down there the pain from then has seeped so deep into the embers of my being taking up residence in my soul such that until God plumps it out with some extricate plumbing device or his own hands of love, there's no way to purge the pain that I've gotten accustomed to and made a home for itself where it did not belong.

So I find myself on this yet another sleepless night praying that He rebuilds as I hand over the broken boys to Him. I hope he forms a beautiful mosaic masterpiece so that each piece, once a testament to my failure and brokenness will instead be a jigsaw piece of a beautiful art. And let it be known that breaking the pieces incurred pain and tears. So much had to be sowed into the art project. So grateful God can use broken pieces.

Goodbye career

Yesterday while having tea with Chermaine, I got a call from a headhunter from somewhere in Europe propositioning me for a position as head of a department of a skincare company. For the uninitiated, that's my pet industry and it wouldn't be work but a hobby. Ideas flow freely and even the mundane chores are sprinkled with life because it is the apple of my eye.

Then he said this job requires frequent travelling. 4 days a week for 3 weeks a month. Korea, Hong Kong (yay!), south easy Asia.

Then I looked at Chermaine and nobody knows how hard it was for me to say no to that. I had to remind myself I was saying yes to something greater-my family and God. So saying no to this career, crazy pay package and going back to housewife mode felt like dying to myself, I had to hold fast that God knows and stick to Hos plan and my agreement with the husband.

It helped that Chermaine was there. Even though she didn't know who I was talking to, she's been so instrumental in re-steering my walk with God I felt like I drew strength from her to make a decision she would support.

So goodbye career. Hello, life and life more abundantly. I'm apprehensive but excited. I'm still fighting sleep disorder but I have hope.

The art of sleep

They say time passes when you are having fun.

To me, time passes even faster when the sweet peace of sleep eludes you and you have to chase it down like a desperate hunter in acres and acres of unfamiliar terrain, hunting down prey to feed.

Every time I look at the clock, time has elapsed. (Duh) it's almost magic and I'm helpless trying to will the grains of time slipping through my fingers like fine milled flour.

It's an art to fall asleep. One I have not fully grasped. This precious peace, has been robbed too often by the anxiety that besets my heart. I have worried for days that I haven't yet lived, mulled over troubles that might or might not happen and allowed the restorative machinery of sleep to halt.

I envy those who don't know sleepless nights and hope against hope for the day I might join their ranks. That must truly be a blessedness that one should never take for granted. Because only in sleep can your soul take a respite from the toils of life, recharge its batteries and run to distant lands reclaimed by imagination.

Epiphany.

I don't understand why I have an insatiable appetite for money and why it made me feel..safe.

I asked myself what I'd do if I had loads of money and there isn't a single thing I really want to buy or anywhere in the world i really wanted to go.

Then I realized that money, was equated to power in my mind. I loved the independence I got from drawing a strong salary. It gave me choices so I need to depend on no one and thus, owed no one anything. I. The moments when I felt estranged from God, I felt like I was I could still go about living life in relative ease without waiting and depending on H. Worse, without making right with Him.

I was free to come and go as I please and unlike women from ages before, I didn't have to fight for my marriage with all I got because my survival didn't hinge on a man.

Money, was my means to protect my own selfish interests and it dissolved all my liabilities before God. In providing protecting and being all that I poured effort and time into, at the expense of prayer, fellowship and time with my family, it eventually was elevated to God in my life, demoting the God who loved me to second place.

Everyday Miracles

And everyday can be a miracle. In spite of the rain of perceived misfortune and things just not going my way.

It is hard to imagine that just a few short months ago, we were facing a seemingly imminent separation, severing the ties that bind us together in holy matrimony. I still shudder at the memory of that and treasure what I have even more now. These days,we are much closer and there is a renewed spark in our marriage. I watch him pray his long prayers now not with the annoyance buoyed by impatience but appreciating his sincere petitions to the God we serve. Every nuance, every action, from just mere breathing to his deliberate attempts to soothe me to sleep (another night of panic attacks) warms my heart.

Of course, I am not naive enough to think yet again that this buoyant sense of being on cloud 9 will last forever. A change in my hormones might cause yet another potential rift in us or just render him a lot less endearing. However, I know that in spite of it all, I am committed and the good outweighs the bad. That I need to hold on to the good times to tide us through the bad times, drawing strength from them to keep me going until the next chapter of good unfurls.

I do not take the now for granted. The snuggles, the scent of him, the love demonstrated in so many ways. I know that these things can all be robbed of me in a second if I am not careful. If neither of us hold on dearly to each other, to God. I know that marriage is such a delicate vase that needs constant care and can be broken with carelessness. I know that it is a gift.

Therefore, I will cherish, hold and love with all that I have. Because nothing else is dearer.

Thank you Lord. For this wonderful gift.

1.41 am

Tonight I have a little bit of trouble sleeping.

Date with 姑姑 and ah Ma

Today was a wonderful day. I had a nice long afternoon with my Aunty and grandma.

My Aunty recently came back to The Lord after straying for 30 years or more. Life has hardened her resolve and made her so bitter and to personally witness a gentler milder her today was so refreshing. Seeing her like that, I was overwhelmed with gracefulness and struck by how faithful and merciful The Lord is to my family.

Growing up, she was always spoiling us with toys and treats that our parents wouldn't buy. She lavished her love on us and when we grew up, we got on with life and pretty much forgot about her. But she never stopped loving us. Now that her relationship with The Lord has been restored, I find her praying or us so much. She has also been encouraging me via SMS during the time I was sick. This so warmed my heart during this lonely desert season.

This episode gives me great confidence that god would continue to chase down and woo the other unsaved members of my family and for those who have strayed, he will unrelentlessly woo us down until we turn to the fold. I, so glad and relieved that he doesn't I've up on us because I don't know what would have become of me otherwise. Because we've been so blessed, a lot of us have been seduced and left the narrow path for the bright lights of our jobs and the pursuit of money. We have gotten our priorities wrong and chased all the other things instead of seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness. Then when the harsh lessons of life set in, instead of leaning on Him for strength and asking for mercy, we berate him like he owed it to us to continue to serve our plans for our lives. We demoted God almighty to a lowly butler whom we call at every whim and fancy to deliver our indulgent requests. All because he said he will never leave us nor forsake us.

In the days ahead I pray that I will walk worthy of this high calling to be one of His and truly be a disciple and take up the cross. God forbid I get lost in the maze of life again and be waylaid by wolves bearing promises of a better way and forsake the faithful one who loves me more than His own life.

Consecrate my family for your holy purposes!