Mosaic of my past for a masterpiece of my future

Haven't been this sick in almost forever. Now my nose and ears are both striking in unison and not allowing anything to pass through their appointed medium posts.

So much time has passed since the horrible events of 2012.

I thought with the physical closing of the chapter, I could be free of the complementary demons that accompany the grief and depression.

Till now, I still can't sleep unaided and in the dark. I still get fierce panic attacks that suggest a cardiac arrest instead. I've forgotten the grief so why is it so? Somewhere down there the pain from then has seeped so deep into the embers of my being taking up residence in my soul such that until God plumps it out with some extricate plumbing device or his own hands of love, there's no way to purge the pain that I've gotten accustomed to and made a home for itself where it did not belong.

So I find myself on this yet another sleepless night praying that He rebuilds as I hand over the broken boys to Him. I hope he forms a beautiful mosaic masterpiece so that each piece, once a testament to my failure and brokenness will instead be a jigsaw piece of a beautiful art. And let it be known that breaking the pieces incurred pain and tears. So much had to be sowed into the art project. So grateful God can use broken pieces.