Day with Asher

Went to burst my zit and it became a mini-volcano spewing blood!

Overheated

My posts are usually late-night musings.

This is a rare exception.

I'm literally melting in this weather despite the AC being on.

My pasty skin doesn't reflect how bad it is but it is so hot I can imagine my hair standing from the ferocity of the heat.

And WORST of all, the heat has penetrated my body. Me, the TCM junkie who is all about keeping the fine balance between cooling and heating elements over indulged in "heaty" food over the past week and is now paying the sorry price for it. I have fierce zits on my face that remind me to "cool down" and drink water (I drink way too little) and ulcers on my tongue (as if to punish me from over-eating). They are so painful I feel like the only thing I can eat is ice-cream for all my meals. I'm really fine with this.

So there, birthday week. I'm 30. But I still need to obey natural laws of "reap what you sow" and there are still no exemptions from careless debauchery and gluttony.

:(

Turn off the sun now.

Encapsulating memories

Can you tell I'm nervous?

A brand new decade

It wasn't like I imagined. At all.

I didn't hyperventilate and faint. I didn't feel an exponential increase of wisdom or overwhelming fatigue (as with age).

I had a simple day. Almost like any other ordinary day. But I'm thankful. I haven't had ordinary for too long and I have since learnt to not take ordinary for granted.

I didn't get to sleep in as I would have wished to due to construction and my part-time helper vacuuming up a storm too early in the day. I went for tea with Mum and shopped. Nothing fruitful came up in this expedition except free samples (thank you Clarins) and a bright coral dress (at a hefty discount! thank you God!).

Dinner was Italian's at La Nonna and because I specifically insisted that we have no cake, we got me Mao Shan Wang durian ice cream instead. It was rich and yummy, although not exactly the best for my over-heated constitution as manifested in my zitty face.

I'm so glad that my turning thirty gave us all an excuse to get together after all the turbulence my family went through this year. I'm so glad work gave Isaac a reprieve so he could have dinner with me. I am SOO thankful.

Looking back, I just cannot imagine how God saw me through these thirty yers (there, I said it) even though so many times, I thought I wouldn't make it. The finish line seemed so close and dismal. Every birthday was like a harbinger to more trials but despite all the trials, His grace and love saw me through. Even when I misunderstood Him. In fact, His love and faithfulness were the only constants in my life when everything else was in chaos and disarray. Just a few months ago, every area in my life reeked of the stench of despair and death. The death of marriages and health. Now, spring finally arrived and even though circumstances are still less than ideal, I have an innate joy and confidence that I haven't had for the longest time. I guess that's the best birthday present really.

Some have asked me what they can get me for a birthday present. I used to decline politely because I know I was too picky and didn't want to cause inconvenience especially if it turns out to be a gift I won't use. This year, it is different. I still decline but because everything I need and really wanted can only be gifted by the Gift Himself. I just want to be closer to Him, to know Him and to win and comfort souls for His glory.

So job or no job, child or childless, I just want Him happy and that every moment I live to be a Jesus-filled, God-glorifying moment. I want to eradicate complaining and self-pity out of my system and form new habits that demonstrate Him. It won't be easy but thankfully, it is not by my effort but His.

So there, Happy THIRTIETH birthday to me! Thank you sweet Lord!

Almost 30

Haven't had a bbq in awhile. Little wonder why because of the hassle it involves.

Given how things have been the past year with the family, I'm just so grateful everyone turned up for me. My brother even brought his gf too and I already love her. I know it's merely first impressions but I'm all for her being my baby sister already.

My husband patiently stood at the grill for the longest time and served all of us. I was very touched by his gracious heart of servitude despite his fatigue from the long hours at work.

I feel so much better and comforted at the way things are now. Might just be temporal but I count my blessings for however long they last.

God heard my birthday wishes. That's all I need to know now.

A teeny relapse

Perhaps I slept the afternoon away because of the stomach flu and cough.

Perhaps my spirit is a tad heavier today because my interview was postponed and I was inundated by fear and irrational thoughts that the vacancy might be filled by someone else.

Perhaps I just feel lousy about myself for falling sick when I've been sick-flu-free for 7 months (a mean feat if you even knew what crazy health I previously battled).

Perhaps its all that. 

Which is why I'm awake feeling sorta blue.

Coughing induced headache

I coughed and coughed so relentlessly it was like ants crawling in my throat/windpipe. 

Sleep deprived and having a kick-ass headache now. 

:( and still so much to prepare for interview. 

What I think Jesus would do if His friend was homosexual.

This is a difficult post for me to pen and it was sparked by an article I read about a Christian couple who just lost their son to drugs because he struggled for years with self-loathing due to his sexuality.

They did what most well-meaning Christian couples would do in their predicament. They tried to "straighten" him through prayer, counselling etc. He was receptive for the most part and really desired holiness and to please God. However, 6 years into that endeavor, he gave up and forsook God and spiraled down an odyssey of darkness into sin and drugs. He eventually succumbed to a fatal dose and now as the mother puts, she just wished she had a "breathing son to love".

I will never fully and truly understand the loneliness and painful struggles of a homosexual. Especially one whose faith marks it as an utter abomination and whose society they reside in is very conservative. Today, I had a long talk with one of my dearest friends who has stood by me through the darkest times in my life and is a homosexual. We did not talk about the gay issue. We did not talk about the Christian issue. We just hung out like schoolkids over tea and laughed over mindless things-like old times. And then it hit me, then just because one is gay and I am a Christian (who still believes homosexuality is a sin and not of God), I don't have to center everything around it or let it dominate everything. Neither do I have to have a secret agenda to "coax" them out of it even as I desire God's best for them. I cannot explain why they have these inclinations. Neither can they and I guess, if they could choose for themselves, they wouldn't want it to. Who would? It results in being marginalized in both family and society and even jobs discriminate whether we admit it or not.

At the end of the day, it is not my job to work out holiness in them. If I were to be less of a hypocrite, I can't even work out holiness in myself for crying out loud! It is God's work in me as I surrender and walk daily with Him. It is a difficult and sometimes very treacherous journey that requires constant commitment. Sometimes, I falter when the storms of life brew but He picks me up and loves me the same. That acceptance and unwavering faithfulness and tried love gives me the strength to pick myself up and take the next step. Likewise, shouldn't I extend the same to others when I myself have been such a big recipient?

I don't want to wait for the day until I lose them to not be able to love them. For the first time today, it suddenly dawned on me on how much they respected me as a person. They knew how I saw the sin, that I'm Christian and how uncomfortable it made me and they never displayed PDA in my presence. They were respectful when I shared about Jesus in my life, my struggles etc. Yet, I did not reciprocate. I am ashamed. Excuse me while I shed these self-righteous robes just because I'm heterosexual.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating an endorsement on homosexuality. I'm saying, no matter how you view it, as a sin or not, to love people as unique, individuals for who they are and accept them. Love them for as long as they breathe because as long as they are alive, there is room for God to intervene. So while I still hope that they "straighten" out, I am going to hold out that hope for them even as they give up on themselves. But these hope extends beyond "straightening out". This hope is for them to know Love himself, personified in the person of Jesus. And, even if they do not "straighten out", I am determined to love them because I know that's exactly what my God did for me. Love and friendship should not have to rest upon the denomination of sexuality.

Father, teach me to love, even those I do not understand.

Processing grief

Today I found out that one of my favorite people on earth just went through the trauma of having had an ectopic pregnancy. She found out about the pregnancy and that it was ectopic within the same day. Before she could even process the details, she found herself being wheeled in for emergency operation to terminate the pregnancy because it could prove to be potentially fatal for her as the embryo grew in her fallopian tube.

I cannot quite describe what I felt upon hearing it. I felt sick, to the point of nausea and grief. I felt so much for her and knew she would be a great mum. I felt the searing pain of her loss even though it wasn't my child.

At the end of it all, I think I feel hope resurrected. That though I don't know why things like these happen to the best of us, a one who has walked so closely with God and has a heart so big and generous, I am sure God will restore and resurrect dead dreams. I am confident that He is still good in the midst of it all and I take comfort that He will and is walking her through this painful episode.

A WHOLE DECADE!!

Today marks the day we've been together for a good whole decade.

The roller-coaster ride of a decade.

10*365 days-3650 days. I'm in shock! We survived!!

Praise God!!
-still in shock-

Will process coherent thoughts later.

The truth-first hand account of depression

I debated long and hard whether to pen this post. Even though I'm frequently frustrated by the misconceptions and untruths about depression, I never found it in me to correct them except for that one time I sat down with an acquaintance and explained it to her-because she asked. I didn't do it because of the exact same reasons that the untruths are based in. Ironically.

Depression has revisited me a few times in my life and I would like to think of it as "the flu of my soul". Like any other flu, it is mostly a bout that lasts a few months and its symptoms alleviate with medication. I can boost my (mental) immunity by managing stress and grief effectively as life inevitably throws lemons but when it does fall below ideal levels, the flu hits and I need to know how to manage it and not succumb to it.

Just as Christians get the flu, Christians who get depression aren't necessarily having a lapse of faith in their walk with God. This is a complete fallacy. In my moments of illness, God has been even more palpably close and comforting. He alone gives me strength. Together with the support of loved ones, I get through every bout stronger. I cannot guarantee that it will not return. Even flu vaccines only last about a year but I know that I have the means to overcome it and overcome it I will.

It takes a lot of mental strength and clarity to drown out the condemning voices that concern depression. I do not hold it against the ignorant but the usual stigmas like it being a sure indicator of weakness or a barometer of one's relationship with God (for Christians) can be extremely hurtful. It's the surest way to kick someone when one is down.

Depression is fundamentally an illness. It is triggered by stress and grief before it clouds the mind with hopelessness and despair. Then, a chemical imbalance in the brain takes place and medication is necessary to correct that imbalance for it to properly function again. When stabilized, the patient is then able to receive counselling to properly process grief, disappointment etc. It is like any other illness being rehabilitated. Those patients are to receive love, care and support to facilitate and accelerate the healing process.

As an asthmatic, I learn to avoid allergens like dust that will trigger off my asthma. Likewise, I avoid situations that will overwhelm me or take necessary precautions when it comes to depression like disciplining myself to focus on a promise from God for example. When even that mental function is handicapped, I call upon trusted ones and quickly seek medical attention to get me in the right order and not let the nasty bout of depression try to take over my mind.

It is real. But it's not the end. It's treatable. It can recur. Life can still go on well.

So the next time you encounter a depressed individual, love a little more. Give space but show love too.

Oh, and it isn't contagious.