spring clean your ears.

don moen was singing something about fresh fire falling from heaven on the cd player.

my brother: "why will french fries fall from heaven?"

**
and our dad mistook 'i exalt thee' for 'i am salty' some months back in church.

clearly this problem we have is bigger that we first imagined. and you all thought it was just me. blame the genes!(and mei ling)

true lamb of God.

after walking out of the hairdresser...

me to friend: i look like a poodle/sheep.

Tan Mei Ling: blah blah blah, since its almost christmas, you can pretend to be santa's sister.

me: YOU ARE NOT HELPING!

Tan Mei Ling: Ok ok, seriously, my church is putting up a skit and we really need a sheep..

**
i seek redress!

fresh from heaven

i didn't wake up this morning beaming with joy. i struggled to praise God and maintain a posture of thanksgiving when all i wanted to do was hide in bed and cry.

i was to have my driving test later today and i was super nervous. i didn't wanto fail again and honestly, i don't take to failure of any kind very well. despite having sufficient experiences.to make things (slightly) worse, i was receiving endless msgs from the colleague despite being on official leave. i really hated that.

i don't know if many of you know about my dreams and me. and a recent vision/dream i had about being pushed violently by a she-man kinda being which had no legs. and how i was reinforced by a heavenly being of about 3 m. how she provided me with endless strength and with her help, i overcame that legless ugly creature with one final push..that marked the defeat of the legless she man. sounds like a scene straight out of X men or some fantasy show but alas, its just a scene from the movie of my life.(nightlife)

and then TADAH this morning when i woke up, my Father had a word for me and this was what i was given:

Psalms 118: 13-14
You pushed me violently, that i might fall
but the lord helped me
the lord is my strength and my song
and he has become my salvation.

so all that irritation from the office and all my fear of the impending driving test fled.

nothing beats God responding to anything i'm facing the way he does. I love the way he responds ..super cool. most of all, i love the very fact that God almighty responds to my nightmares. thats a true mark of a good Father.

and did i mention that that dream setting was my office? political enemy forces might be at work but my God is bigger.sure win!

correspondingly yesterday my cg leader who was praying for me mentioned when he was praying that he just kept remembering the story of daniel and his friends in the fire. some of you might know that i am gg to have a fresh change of bosses, both christian and one has told me her contingency plan is to gather with me and pray because 'we're not gg to make it without God'. we're left with little resources and a huge pile of mess to clear courtesy of the preceding management.

literally thrown into a pit of fire. my cg leader added that God wants me to pray that i overcome with the 4th man in the fire (as per the story of daniel) and stop praying that i be delivered..which is my typical escapist stance.

so when all see that we walk alive and strong, in the burning fire and EMERGE alive, i pray that all see the 4th man as well.

glory to my 4th man. i love you

simple thanks

Revelations 3:20

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me"

**
so glad you knocked
so glad you didn't have to knock too long
and wait there endlessly for a heart that won't welcome you
so glad i answered
and received you even though you were almost a stranger
so glad you've since taken up permanent residence
and will never leave.
so glad!

ladeedum

"and if the angels came, I'd fight them back to win your soul
and when everything is said and done
they'd go back home
and they ought to know
that you're mine, all mine''

clay aiken-a thousand days.

sounds like something Jesus would say.

and i was at robertson walk today.in carnele. and i was beside tay ping hui lah!!the only ch8 actor i possibly like(liked) since thomas ong circa 1995.

-squeal!!-

Thoughts.

colleague: my brothers are twins.
me: are they the same age?
colleagues: -slap foreheads-

**

my driving instructor thinks i'm color blind. i know alot of you already believe so. but i stop the car when the light turns green and i charge ahead when the light turns red.

i also thought shuxin's purple car was green. blame it on the lighting.

my God thinks i'm beautiful. even though at last count, i have three unauthorized zits on my face. and overweight eyebags.

my boyfriend thinks i talk to much. so as a mark of respect and deference to him being the man in our relationship, i have decided to offer him a minute of silence- every week.

i think i am shrinking. pants that i used to wear in the past have suddenly grown. even when i'm wearing heels.

i think shuxin's dog likes to sniff my butt.

i don't even dare to think what you think.

Paul's apparent checklist/ instructions of Christian Living

Romans 12:9-21

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in hobor giving preference to one another;
not lagging in diligence,
fevent in spirit,
serving the lord;
rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer;
distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
be of the same mind toward one another. do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble.
do not be wise in your own opinion.
repay no one evil for evil. have regard for good things in the sight of all men.
if it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath: for it is written, "vengeance is Mine, I will repay, " says the Lord

"Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him;
if he thirsts, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head."

Do not overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

**
wake up call to me as i literally stumbled upon this passage that i've not heard preached in any church for just about the longest time. wake up call coz i've been wilfully unloving and thus unlovable. wake up call because i've spitted fire on my own instead of heaping a nice pile of coal on said enemy.

humbled by mercy yet again. and back on my knees to ask God to strip away that irritating complaining proud spirit that has taken residence within me.

somehow or the other,i always end up after my own sojourning or pretending to me mighty and strong bawling like a baby at the throne of God. i cannot move on until i breathe the fresh breath of mercy and grace and know acceptance all over again inspite of me.

lately, the lord has been addressing my deep rooted fear of rejection. Apparently, as a defence mechanism and a counter offensive, since i so deeply believe in striking first before being struck, ive so flippantly dismissed people out of my life when there is the remotest hint that i might not have full favour. I was asking God why i'm so harsh on people and to give me grace to be more loving..to be a natural channel for His love towards them to shine through. I've had no answers until now...it wasn't that God wasn't giving. its simply because that inate defence mechanism was acting AGAINST the love of God. Out of sheer respect of my own free will until i learn to surrender it all and let Him have his way no matter what, He backed off gently until I relinquished that area to Him.

but my new found freedom via surrender to the Lord has given me a boldness to not be afraid to be just who i am. with just about anyone. and to not fear them rolling their eyes or shying away. because God will know how to draw the right people and repulse the wrong on my behalf. My shield and my sword. tadah!

I don't have to get offended when people are nasty and rude. I don't have to try to be more loving when i am living on the perpetual euphoria that results of a perfect acceptance before the only only One that matters. I don't have to justify any hurt with an assault.

rejoice with me as each shred of me slowly erodes away in complete surrender before Jesus. there will soon be none of me left as i live in the reality that i am truly 'crucified with Christ. and it is not I that live but Christ that lives in me'.As i give myself over to death for Jesus, He'll be my resurrection life.

my flesh will be ever present until I'm called to heaven but in the meantime, those who have no chance of avoiding me, (ie. bf and my ever faithful circle of girlfriends) can look forward to less tantrums.

History graduate discredited.

colleague: who is soong ching ling ar?mao's wife?
the now discredited history graduate (in all seriousness): sun yan zi lah!

(disclaimer: the correct answer is sun zhong shan, the father of modern china AND taiwan)

pls don't ask me to explain the above. if you don't get it you don't.

well said

"even after i made the decision to stop chasing after popularity, i still found myself feeling the inexplicable need to maintain at least a decent number of friendships. Yet when i steppeed back and really examined those friendships, i was surprised to realize that the majority of them were not true friends. they did not really know me, not did they have a desire to. i was simply another voice in the midst of their gossipy chatter, another body squished in the backseat of their car, another ear for their jokes and secrets, another workout partner, or another shopping buddy. though many of them were so-called christians, they did not have the remotest understanding of my desire to pursue intimacy with my Prince. if i were to try to explain it to them, i would be met only by blank, confused stares. why did i feel the need to devote my time to maintaining these shallow relationships?"

Leslie Ludy

**
when i look at isaac these days, i'm reminded of the humble beginnings of this relationship and how far we've come. i remember what a pleasant surprise he was, a fresh breath of life to my otherwise solitary existence. i didn't know until him, that i could fit so nicely and snugly into another person's heart and soul or that someone else could fit into mine.

i remember how i praised God when i thought of him and how i thought to myself ever so often that God must really really love me to entrust me to him.his soul is such a mirror of God's beauty. his blurness drives me crazy at times but its the exact same quality that endeared to me years ago. i'm the kancheong spider while hez the unshakeable rock (some say stone). we go hand in hand.( sometimes, his foot on my foot..and that'll follow by a perfectly pitched yelp of pain from me.).perfect complements we are.

anyways, three years later, i'm glad i still think the same. infact, these initial beliefs are further enforced. and i'm more thankful than ever for the grace that has seen us through even through the time we thought we couldn't go on together anymore. i really take my heart off for his commitment towards God and me. this man of mine really doesn't bear any grudges. if not for his graciousness towards my petty little heart, we would have self combusted.

i just wanto do it right. make it work.not just for us but for the glory of God.

loveee love love love him so so much.

different voices

it may be a dog eat dog world that i live in but as i'm not a dog while you have chosen to be, i survive, you lose.

i don't know why but God decided to wash me so clean with His precious blood so that His spirit can live inside me. so by virtue of that, i mercifully undeservingly triumph while the daggers you aim so hard at my back turns around to stab you in the forehead. wish i could help. but i always slept during first aid class. sorry.

its ok. i'm here by the grace of God anyway. without it, i'd have fared worse than you. i might not have resorted to daggers but the very least, because of my limited resources, plastic knives. but its nice of you to perceive me as a threat. i'm very flattered.

**
thank You Jesus for saving me once again.vindicating me. when i'm utterly defenceless.having You is the best thing in my life. i'm more covered than all insurance policies put together and more.

**
yesterday i relished the feeling of feeling so undoubtedly accepted and welcomed. i like feeling welcomed but sometimes people only welcome because they're obliged to. only one person has ever truly made me feel like that.and He is the King of Kings, the lord of Hosts.

**
on a sadder note, i don't know how to respect you anymore my sad ex friend. you've been reduced to a spiritless shell. i can't say more. i offer my deepest condelences for your spirit and soul. i've hoped against hope for your turnaround but now you've stooped to a new low. you prize money more than people and use people instead of money.the very least i hope of you now is that you leave those i love alone.

**
welcome back!to you from switzerland and to you from london!

**

the release of angst.

i don't wanto sit on the pedastal you put me on.
i don' t belong into that category and prototype you put me in.
i am not a kind, a type, but a unique combination of different characteristics.
i am a personality on my own, one without form that will never fit into the categories you create in your mind.
i am human with failings and endless flaws. but you never fail to blind yourself to my faults and refuse to come to terms with my humanity.
i am not strong but you refuse to allow me to be weak.

i guess u've never known me. as i've never known you.
i am here. now you come out from behind those masks you hide behind.

piercing cutting questions

" why don't you trust me ?"
"do you love me?"
"why is your heart set for rebellion?"


i have no answers.

waiting

the past week has been nothing short of dramatic and crazy. at work and in my personal life. so much unraveled and although certain things seemed to have worked out in my interest, i can't celebrate it.

i wish i could just run away again and have a quiet moment with God until i know eactly whats happening and how exactly to proceed. it seems so obscure and vague but i have no choice to grope around in the dark. i only hope that at the end of the fog i'll reach the light but i don't have too much faith myself.

i just wanto breakthrough so badly and see light. but i perceive that God is trying to make me concious of the light within me instead of trying so hard to be illuminated externally. its more difficult looking within when our five senses are all geared to observe the external. help me concentrate and redirect my focus pls then father.

on a sorta nicer note, my faithful pea/corn eating friend is back from melbourne! and she got me all excited on her arrival only to disappoint me that shez heading for london AND hk and God knows when we'll meet again...im praying soon.and she brought me THE shampoo !lest i refuse to bathe...

i've been feeling pretty lonely with all my few confidantes being so out of reach. distance and conflicting schedules seem to be the order of the day and i just hate this forced isolation. because i'm craving some empathy (note: not sympathy), a listening ear, a shoulder and just some love over toffee nut latte(at least starbucks is offering their cuppa comfort)

come back soon my friends.

i'm waiting for you to have time. and finish your work. to go starbucking.so that i can empty my heart because u never judge and i can share the exciting developments in your life.
i'm waiting for you to come back from switzerland and catch the corrine may concert with me. and make sense of this madness in me.and eat and eat with me. you're the only one who doesn't make me feel like a glutton.
i'm waiting for you to come back from zhong guo.so that we can go for teh and buffets with the friend who doesn't pick up her phone.
i'm waiting for you to PICK UP UR PHONE. so that we can go for teh and buffets with the friend who is in zhong guo.
i'm waiting for you to come back and fly off with me to hk phuket or whereever.and laugh with me and roll your eyes when i cry over just abt anything.
i'm waiting for you to make a decision.
above all,

i know i've been impatient but i'm waiting for you God. because u seem to move too slowly and i can't seem to hurry you. but i know ...i know that you've been waiting for me to slow down, to be still, to trust, to give up, to yield, to love. and u've been waiting from the beginning and sadly,the wait has not ended.

hurry up you all.

on another fragmented note, i really want my own business. my own line of something.incase theres a sponsor reading.

i am on MC.

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can the floods drown it
if a man would give for love
all the wealth of his house,
it would be utterly despised.

being on MC means that even though i'm flat on my back and my head is heavy and groggy and i'm miserable and swimming in a pool of self pity, God's word can find entrance to my heart and reside in there. (at least for the length of the MC). He'll really do anything at all to get to me. hallehlujah!

with regards to the above verse, issn't it so romantic?possibly the kind of romance every girl (and though they refuse to admit, men) craves for. i'm not truly satisfied with life albeit truly saved by the blood of Christ. i need to rediscover satisfaction and flood the empty places of my being with the truths of Christ.

"all the wealth of his house , it would be utterly despised''. wah raos. if this is referring to all the wealth of His house upstairs, then its beyond imagination .. now i know why they say love surpasses all understanding. its simply unfathomable.

i was very upset today coz no one was available for me to emotionally leech on to. despite being sick plus a whole list of other negative attributes. and returning from the doctor with a prognosis that lies along the line that i haven't been taking good care to i am as good as trying to kill myself makes me feel even worse. i already look like shit. now the great plan to make me feel like shit as well is 90% achieved.

everytime soemthing like that happens and i panic before i spiral down into something even darker, i am thankful there are still nooks and crannies for God to weave/squeeze through to reach me. to comfort me, to assuage, and affirm me. i don't feel like the best in the land still and when i stare into the mirror, i have all the unbelief in the world believing i'm the beautifullest. but i delight in the fact that the love is inspite of that. this is new to me. at least i've not known so for a long long time. i haven't been experiencing evidences of His love interms of lavish obvious blessings and because that was what i was accustomed to, i was blind to acts of love that include gentle dicipline and chastisement, acts of grace and mercy etc. but its ok!coz now i see!

i wish i could be on mc forever. (choy!) if it leads to such an euphoric epiphany everytime.actually i just need to be more diciplined in seeking Him and building my relationship with Him instead of having to wait till im flat on my back and miserable. work can wait. you can wait. everything actually. its time to let the one whos been most patient with me stop waiting.

on another note, i found this quite funny because of the obvious parallels.

friend to man: my wife is a great cook.
man (thinking abt lousy cook wife) : my cook is a great wife.

so in love are we two....

girl: am i the greatest love of your life?
boy:yah definitely
girl: -eyes lighting up- in what way?
boy: greatest in annoyance lor..

rebel in retirement.

it takes a lot for me to obey God especially when His will goes against my fleshly will.

i find it extremely difficult to surrender anything dear to me even when i know its not good for me. i've been a rebel for too long ..way too long. therefore when i finally do surrender and give up anything, i'm hanging my head low in humility and it simply translates to 'God you know better, you have my best interests at heart, i choose to trust you'. its a big deal..at least for me.

i don't trust Him.i can be honest about that. but i'll choose to. the fear of uncertainty is too much for me to simply trust anybody. including God.but i'll go ahead inspite of. coz i have nothing left to lose.

for those (or most) who already know, i'll fight tooth and nail for what i want. and i'll also fight tooth and nail to resist what i don't want. from digging my nose, snorting and faking burps infront of relatives to the chagrin (and embarassment) of my parents simply as an act of defiance for them forcing me to be there with relatives i don't like to locking myself up in my room, staging my own hunger strikes.

i used to quip often that my teenage years were fraught with acts of rebellion. i'm not sure if i've stopped entirely. all i know is that my parents of all people know they can't force me to anything. but God will not back down like my parents...and in a way, i'm thankful. He'll persist as well till He has his way with me. or rather..till i break down in utter defeat from my wrestle with the most High and let Him carry me gently on His shoulders into a land of healing and plenty.

so last night i remembered the time(s) ( so few) that i acted in obedience simply exhausted from struggling with Him. and on hindsight, i saw the wisdom of His plan and the goodness and love behind those intentions. the end from which i was spared and the future which i was promised.

my offering to God today is nothing more than my heart. i cannot pledge to Him that i'll always be faithful, true and kind. infact, i can pledge the exact opposite that there'll be moments of doubt, unbelief and worldly desires. but this moment, i really wanto throw myself at Him without abandon and just let Him have His way. i cannot guarantee that i won't mumble and grumble if He leads me through the wilderness but whatever it is, the same perserverance i had in me to rebel and fight for what i want, i wanto let all i want be Him and His will be done and channel my perserverance towards these things.

buy me a bucket of time

what really warmed my heart on this cold cold saturday is the sighting of an elderly couple in clementi holding hands..testament to what is possibly an age old romance and an ageless love.

i'm in a wistful soulful mood right now. imagining soulflakes falling outside my window and pretending its really cold. its one of those almost christmas nights that sets me thinking because the year is drawing to a close.

i am very concious of time passing. and one of my perennial fears is that i won't have enough time to accomplish all that i've set out to do. and be all that i've been made to be. i might be a child of eternity but time on earth is truly limited. we have timelines to meet , growth to achieve in every single area, so much to prepare..before we're called up to heaven.

this week my emotions have been tossed up and down like a boat on choppy waters. work has contributed its fair share..and when i was about to just sink into lamentation about the evil of life, i realised one of bestest friends have cancer. i'd like to be full of faith to encourage her but that moment when the news was broke, i felt like my whole world crashed on me because i could not entertain the thought of this world without her coz to many others, including me, i felt like she was always the bright spark in any dark situation. and darkness has chosen to descend on her. but praise to our God, because where darkness abounds, His light much more abounds.

i cannot imagine how much worse she must feel and how strong she really must be to stay the course and keep the faith. its a great battle indeed. isaac was just telling me how all of creation is a reflection of the spiritual war taking place unbeknownst to the naked eye. how a beautiful plant has to produce fruit inspite of ants and other pests trying to sap it of its life. life itself is truly amazing. true zoe life can truly produce inspite of the circumstances. i only wish i had that.
somehow i see how depleted i am in the midst of difficulty. while others glory and shine even more because of God's glory in them, i seem to falter and succumb to the pressure on the outside.

its a long long journey but i have a longsuffering and patient God.

my favourite boy

it's a lot of hardwork to get children to smile at the camera

some fruit

this is as good as it gets. i give up.

but you still make me smile la. and laugh. thank you for such a wonderful weekend and such a wonderful life ahead.

i cannot be happier. love you!

these dreams-heart

"these dreams go on when i close my eyes
every second of the night i live another life
these dreams go on when its cold outside
every moment i'm awake, the further i'm away"

Always on your side-Sheryl Crow with STING!!

i love this. i love her lah. and i love sting even more lah

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
but when your name is called, you find a place to hide
when you knew that i was always on your side

well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
my demons and my angels reappeared
leave only traces of the man you thought i'd be
too afraid to hear the words i always feared
leaving you with only questions all these years

is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over, with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone eternally
this isn't how its meant to be
no it isn't really how its meant to be

well they say love is in the air, but never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away
and i'm left to carry on and wonder why

even through it all, i'm always on your side..

was it you that kept me wondering through this life
when you know that i was always on your side.

**
at least i know that i always have You and you on my side. and pls let all the butterflies fly away.

when i am not God...

i have been feeling deep feelings from the throes of my being of anger and resentment. and its manifesting in my lost temper which resulted in several casualties. everytime typhoon (insert name) strikes, i end up on destructive mode, posing a danger to myself and the ones around me.

i've been angry at the double standards posed at work. the injustice due to the boss listening to a liar who has been poisoning what is otherwise a sweet nice little community. a little leaven makes the dough rise. now the entire bread is almost full blown and still nothing is done about it. i can't call this righteous indignation but i feel so much for the people who have been unjustly bullied. even though they were never quite my friends.

on the brighter side (somewhat) God has been showing me alot of verses about this situation. shedding even more light but nothing about what He is going to do about it or what He wants me to do about it. and because of that, i'm doubly frustrated. coz i wanto do something. i wanto execute justice on His behalf and be His little representative wielding His righteous sword. unfortunately, He hazznt quite called my name. so i am to remain low key and in the position of trust and worship in the midst of the confusion and hurricane. i don't know what Hez doing. it seems to be nothing but deep deep down, in the lamb mind and heart, i know that as long as He knows (which He does) , together with my intercession , it is enough for Him to move His hand or speak for my situation.

in the meantime, i will watch my fingernails grow and cultivate patience in the meantime as i struggle to sit on myself to restrain myself from moving ahead of God.

Q & A session

why i don't like the word 'intoxicated'..

even though it means more than inebriated. even though its synonymous with getting lost in, enamoured etc..it just sounds toxic. and toxic is not good. toxic is too often paired up with toxic waste and the first image that comes to mind is fish floating on top of the water.

why i don't like to eat broccoli...
it reminds me too much of a tree.

why i don't like dory fish...
it has no character. its pretentious.too soft and mushy to be a bona fide fish. its characterless and seems like its trying too hard to be a fish.

(i think salted vegetables though..got a lot of character. dear dory shd take a leaf from kiam chye's books and learn!)

why i drink evian...
it is not just water. i swear its sweeter. but no one believes me.

why i drink pokka green tea...(only)
i swear its nicer. sweeter etc. even though no one believes me.

why i favour chicken breast over thigh and wing...
the other two are over rated. chicken breast has the toughness (no pun intended) of a man and it absorbs flavour better and tenderizes more easily like a woman. not that i like androgynous things.

why i don't eat carrots...
orange is so not a plant color. green is. yes, i'm a vegetable racist.

why i drink carrot juice...
because after juicing it, i no longer remember that it used to be a carrot.

why i don't like peas..
peas..are just such losers in the vegetable kingdom. and the colour is so even and rich its almost artificial.i applaud and exalt food with dignity character and identity!

why i think the way that i do...
God fearfully and wondefully created me when i was in my mother's womb. he just wired me up differently thats all.



why are you still reading this?

i'm thinking...

the real healing agents that expedite my healing and soothe the pain are not drugs such as aspirin,ponstan and valium. it just dawned on me this morning that the real healing agents are my friends.

they generate an amazing power that triggers me to laugh. this network of holy power is truly powerful. the laughter that is triggered inturn offsets or at least alleviates any pain and in time, dissolves it. sometimes the pain returns but the holy network strengthens to fight this onslaught as welll. its amazing how God designs and fits us into these networks. sometimes just 5 mins with them takes my mind of the pain and the root of it and while i'm not concentrating, God comes in freely to do His work.

on hindsight, its nothing short of marvellous and truly worth celebrating. so divine lor. they dont just heal, they rejuvenate and restore.

**
yesterday, on the way home after 4 hours of meeting, i bumped into an old secondary sch friend. and upon seeing me she said 'wah, you look so mature now'.

and i scowled and told her thats just a lousy euphemism of saying i'm old.

BAHHHHH

**

the grey area of metamorphosis

i saw a lamb
it was white and fluffy
albeit abit skinny
it didn't bleet
even when someone stepped on her feet
instead she roared.
like a lion.
i was taken aback
upon closer inspection
i realised i was looking into the mirror

directions in life would be very much appreciated.

i really don't know how to live the life that God wants me to live. I have no clue at all what He wants me to be and what Hez doing at this particular stage of my life. I need to go somewhere and attempt to find out by praying but I'm not sure if He'll divulge His plans.

and that frustrates me a lot.

I honestly feel like i'm treading on a tight rope with uncertainty looming below me. my only safety catch is that..if i die, i go to heaven. (haha). no, i really do mean that if i fall, He'll pick me up. but i don't fancy falling at all. and i hate repetition. so no falling again and again even if it means being picked up over and over again...if possible pls.

i'm very frustrated at this juncture in life and i don't know what He wants me to do. so because of that i'm trying very hard to resist not acting impulsively especially when it comes to my career. or the lack of it.

some forces are against me and i'm very very angry. its moments like these that push me to changi airport. i'm an escapist and i'm really trying very hard not to toy with that idea. to be fair, God has given me good int he workplace to balance out the evil (somewhat) in the form of colleagues who actually do work and who also feel the same angst towards a certain someone(s). misery needs company but when we bond and work together, inspite of the great injustice we feel...i actually feel strengthened and happy that our work reaping results (more soon i pray).

i yearn to be recognized for at least the effort i'm putting in. to learn because i'm as green as a broccoli (and as lame as..aye whatever), to practise, to give my 200% into everything. but i'm not getting it. HOWEVER, bosses only seem to pay attention to your mistakes. as disgruntled as i am, i still wanto put in my 200% only because i represent Jesus. they can fault me all they want for the human being that i am but i want to exemplify Jesus well in the few ways i know i can. by sheer grace ..

in the meantime, i'm really praying for a change. that only He can bring about.

**
and recently i don't know why but it seems like i've been made to speak to non english speaking people alot lately.

just for your entertainment, here are some excerpts:

me: can i speak to your boss pls?
silence
me: are you the boss?
her: you wanto take a message?
me: your boss not in?is there any other way i can reach him/her?
her: yesyes.you wanto take a message?
me: can you please tell me i can reach your boss?
her: boss?
me: the one who owns the business...the one who pays you money.
her: yesyes!!money!
me: can i have the number of your boss please?
her: yesyes!!message?money?boss?
me (on the verge of tears) : WHAT IS THE NAME of the person who gives you money for working?
her: yesyes!message!
me: .....

was pretty sure despite her vehement insistence of 'yesyes!message!' that her boss is not called yesyes or message.

when i fast and don't eat lunch...

Never Before

I've never fallen in love with anyone invisible
I've never fallen in love with anyone whose able
until You

I've never known love until You took me in
loved me to wholeness and washed away my sins
until You

I've never felt worth until You died for me
I was a captive until i realised you were the key

**
Lunchtime fantasy

I don't just want to sit at Your feet all day
I'll save that for heaven
when our enemy is in damnation
now all i wanto be is your warrior princess
your land i want to repossess
your children i wanto save
conquer fear and be brave
i wanto lift your name high above
every other name in hell, heaven and earth
i wanto execute your justice, pronounce victory
over the doomed enemy
I wanto laugh in the face of the storm
and usher in light and dawn
I want to crush satan
before i meet you face to face, in heaven

wait for me
in the meantime...
empower me

Our God reigns- delirious?

40 million babies lost to God's great orphanage
its a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
if this is a human right then why aren't we free
the only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree

100 million faces, staring at the sky
wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by
the devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug
but still my chinese takeaway could for someone's drug

our God reigns, our God reigns
Forever your kingdom reigns

The west has found a gun and its loaded with 'unsure'
nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure
Psalms one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime
God didn't screw up when He made you
Hez a father who loves to parade you.

Yes He reigns, Yes you reign...
for there is only one God
but we've lost the reins on this world
forgive us pls
as we fight for this broken world on our knees

**

i feel like i'm fighting on so many fronts. (well sorta)theres so much going on this sick stricken world but because, and merely because i draw a meagre salary from my employer, my job is supposed to be all that matters . while fires of different kinds rage on, all i'm supposed to concentrate on is my job. to maximize, utilize, optimize etc.

never mind about the nuclear test. never mind about the haze. never mind about the human genocide (abortion ) that i feel somuch for. never mind God?

i'm not just any salaried worker. i have a purpose to be here on earth. and without that purpose, i have no reason to be here. but the forces at work seem to be attempting to strip that purpose away from the core of my being.

just because i'm an employee, never mind all that pain and sin that's consuming lives. let that be someone else's headache. transferring ownership of problems from the church..and hence, solutions is by far the enemy's greatest strategy. my headache is just to make money, optimize resources etc. i'm not a guy whereby i can't parcel out my thoughts and emotions into waffle cubes. i feel a right and need to get involved. to feel. to remain disturbed and channel all that disturbance into prayer and whatever necessary action i'm obliged to do. i can't remain ambivalent. my actions shd reflect my attitudes. they go hand in hand.but right now i feel my hands so tied and i abhor this feeling of helplessness.

given another time and era (AND citizenship), i might either be an activist somewhere (don't scoff) or...a college dropout protesting for something. but because i'm not, because my upbringing has taught me to stifle whatever dissent into just meaningless chatter and grumble over coffee, i'll be warring on my knees instead. before the throne of my King.

hopefully that works better.

if only now, that God could capture all the tears and put out all the fires. not just in indonesia.not just the physical fires. the fire that was burning perhaps when the world started turning. the earth is to be a reflection of heaven..sadly, its tending to mirroring hell.

awakening.

when i find myself jogging in circles
i know i have separated my heart
not from the world, but from yours
where it rightly belongs.

i fall like a raindrop
like a puppet without strings
i crumbled on the cold harsh earth
against the harsher wind.
my pretty dress fans out
as i empty myself before You

being alive is a lie
if my heart does not beat with the rhythm of your love.

the painful realization:
that i am nothing without You
I really can't carry on without You.

no yesterdays

"do you know what true romance is
and could you show me now
just what would be the chances
that i could tell you how
if i knew where all the tears were flowing to
i'd guide them to a river
where i'd swim with you downstream
this is that old dream
that i told you about twenty years ago''

this is that new song- badly drawn boy.

to hear it...go to

www.calciumlithium.blogspot.com

. its my friend cali's blog and its playing there.

yesterdays contribute so greatly to our todays. yet i have such a faint memory of my yesterdays. hence, the apparent lackof explanation to why i'm so strange. my old irregular diary entries serve as historical records of sorts to give me a glimpse into certain imploding of behaviors and moodswings that root back to these yesterdays. unfortunately, most of the time, i can't read my own handwriting.

most of my friends who are still in relative regular contact with me take notice of the absence of my memory. this is quite a strange undertaking as i used to be the one with a photogenic memory. i could easily remember lists of phone numbers, birthdays, names and faces. i scored effortlessly for history because i could piece events, details dates together. now, i simply embark on a journey trying to piece together my history and co-authoring my future with my God.

maybe its not a bad thing that my hippocampus(the part of your brain that stores info) is somewhat incapable of retrieving memory that was stored. while i don't foresee forgetting recent events now, i doubt i'll ever fully retrieve all that was lost. i have to confess that sometimes when you and you and you relate and reminisce about the past...i really just pretend to find it familiar. like i knew. when i'm already emotionally detached from that moment in time.

just this week i found out that i was actually nicknamed 'little bird ' in jc. by a teacher. something like that shd have stucked but it didn't.btw the reason behindthat nickname was because i apparently flutter around alot, flail my arms alot when i talk, eat alot and shit alot. (BUT OF COZ BECAUSE IT DOESN'T RESIDE IN MY MEMORY, we have just no way to verify that.TOO BAD) and i was chatting with another friend whom i realised remembered more about a certain periodof my life that i did.

its like being a new person when you can't account for the days you've lived.

love thy neighbour..not.

a certain neighbour never fails to express their deep love for us and the environment by presenting their offering to us. their sacrifice of their land all. so thanks to them, my fine city is not so fine anymore.

now MY countrymen are suffering as a result of YOUR inconsideration greed and disregard for the environment and most of all.. mankind. BUT of coz you wouldn't care. coz money is your greatest incentive so all is ok. well make the most of it now because you can't carry it to hell with you. in the meantime, maybe you'll like to get drop by and get used to the haze here so that you can better assimilate in hell.

i wanto spit fire. in your face. in reciprocation to your offering.

until we meet again.

o death..where is your sting?
o hades where is your victory?

it is so ironic. a few years ago when we bid your youngest daughter farewell at the airport, you put your arm around me and said 'aiyo, xinying...its ok.she'll be back' as i sobbed.

a few days ago at your wake, the same daughter put her arms around me and exhorted me to be strong as i sobbed away. today, the last day of your wake, your eldest daughter asked me if i was ok as i sobbed away again. i told her i should be asking her that instead. i wish i could tell your husband, daughters and mother that '' its ok. she'll be back''.

you raised two very strong daughters like yourself.

your final breath was dedicated to a shout of praise for the one who have since received you into His everlasting arms. i am so proud of you. so inspired. because that dealt the enemy with a mighty big defeat. its a slap to his face knowing that inspite of the afflictions you carry in your own body, he could not crush your spirit. because it belonged to Jesus alone.

at praise and worship, when the congregation sang 'blessed be the lord', i thought of your faith and your dedication in believing that God is good inspite of the circumstances and i sang even louder and heartier. i wanted God's name to be lifted up so high, yes even in your passing. we were there to mourn your passing and share the grief of those you left behind but more imptantly so, the world must know the testimony you left behind that points straight to the cross. i believe thats exactly what you wanted too.

i wish i had said more to you earlier. when you were lucid in the hospital that day. but i was shy. i wish i visited you more in the last days. i wish i'd gotten pastoral aid to come down. even if it was just to hold your hand. i'm sorry. i know you are well and happy now in the presence of the one who loves you the most but...i'm still sorry. to you and to your family.

when i see your mum and husband cry over you, my heart breaks into smitherines and i cannot contain my own grief, which is incomparable to theirs. i wish i could hook up a telephone line just to keep you guys connected. i know we will meet again because of what Jesus did but that separation is just too painful.when i look at your family, i see them all as testaments to all your self sacrifice-the fruits of your labour and love. they are living testaments that you've been a selfless wonderful wife, mother and daughter.

Jesus must be really proud of you. for such a young believer, you exhibited a faith that i never had despite being a christian for more than 10 years. you never allowed the circumstances and your sufferings hold hostage God's love for you. i have. you've shown me first hand what is a undefeatable spirit. that that is a true mark of victory. make your enemy go crazy because the intended effect never materialized even though he has exhausted all his ammunition.

i type here as though you can read this. maybe i really believe you can.but its cathartic. for me. i'll keep praying for your family. because its the least i can do. please ask Jesus to use me to bless them, comfort them and encourage them. i can do nothing on my own and i feel so helpless.

no one will ever take your place in their hearts. let all remember you and smile. miss you but thank God that this separation is not eternal..live on well because you've set the example of strength. glorify God just as you did.

once again, a song for you. for the precious ones you've left behind.
"we're pilgrims on the journey of the narrow road
and those who've gone before us line the way
cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary
their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace
surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
let us run the race not only for the prize
but as those who've gone before us
let us leave to those behind us
the heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives

o may all who come behind us find us faithful
may the fire of our devotion light their way
may the footprints that we leave
lead them to believe
and the words we say
inspire them to obey

o may all who come behind us find us faithful

after all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
and our children sift through all we've left behind
may the clues that they discover
and the memories they uncover
become the light that leads them to the road we each must find

o may all who come behind us find us faithful"

-steve green

isaac had a 'corrine may' moment.

this has to be my absolute favourite. hez written many before but there has been a hiatus of sorts of 'creative expression of love'. but i love this so so much. its moments like these that make me feel like marrying him IMMEDIATELY. i usually have qualms about sharing something so intimate here..thinking it'll lose its 'sancitity' because of unappreciative souls. but for this, i'll make an exception. i can't justify why...i just wanto!

i want to hold you when you cry
when those tears fall down from your eyes
want to run to you the moment you feel the pain

i want to feel the hurts you feel
to be the warmth that comforts you
through the cold and the pain
when the storms blow your way
you'll find...

you'll always findmy arms open wide
you'll always have a home
here in my heart,
where a fire burns for you.

you'll always have somewhere to go
when the walls close in and your world implodes
a light in the dark
a light here in my heart

and one day looking back
we'll both be glad that we held on tight
to such a treasure that the Lord's prepared for us

and one day looking back
when we're grey wrinkled and old
our love will tell a story,
written of old.

uh oh

i seem to be afflicting the comfortable more than comforting the afflicted.

help me to be more like you please, Jesus.

there is worth in the brokeness

unlike people, Jesus is never intimidated by the depth of my need and the demonstration of my weaknesses.

my God is bigger than your devil

isaiah 55: 15-17

indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me.
whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake
''behold, i have created the blacksmith
who blows the coals in the fire
who brings forth an instrument for his work;
and i have created the spoiler to destroy.
no weopon formed against you shall prosper,
and every tongue which rises against you in judgment
you shall condemn
this is the heritage of the servants of the lord,
and their righteousness is from me"


this is the word of the Lord to me this morning and i was puzzled. unbeknownst to me,there was a battle waged against me and i was seriously outnumbered and outpowered. i don't know what it was about me that attracted such opposition but the opposition came strongly in the form of powerful influential people.

3 ladies in a week riled accusations at me at the workplace this week. the week after i came back from my sweet retreat in melbourne. 2 of them are very powerful and in 1 has served in the company for a long time. if it was my word against hers, in the natural, even before i speak to defend myself, the battle is over. i'd have been slain.

but they didn't even allow me to defend myself. neither did they complain to my boss. they went straight up to the highest management. i am quite honored coz in such a big company with so many offices, its very hard to be noticed by the big bosses. (hurhur)

so anyways, with first influential lady in the company, whom i am just gg to endearingly coin as empress dowager , her credibility is basically stripped because evidence in my favour surfaced during her meeting with the big shots. and it was presented by her own staff.

with second influential lady, whose demands i did not meet, she is now dismissed as being difficult and ridiculous because evidence surfaced in the form of email correspondences. (thank God for technology)

for the last sad lady , she faces an imminent dismissal as her accusations (which include me victimizing her when shez twice my age by forcing her to change her name)and previous records have shown her to be an errant liar. and someone reported her to the bosses for me. i was contemplating showing her mercy. but alas!i took too long to contemplate. the verdict is passed. (cali, this was what i was telling u)

AND..thanks to them, my bosses are realising that for someone who is holding a junior position as me, i am doing way beyond what my job description dictates and have felt it is very unfair for me. so now...they have decided to review my case and vindicate me when previously i had no hope at all of even getting them to notice me, not to mention my 'plight'.

hallehlujah.

thank you so so so much Jesus. thank God i was in the dark and had no chance of a 'fair trial' to defend myself. thank God. because thats truly the time God fights for me and put my enemies to such a shame. its truly in instances and victories like these , when i see their sorry end i forget (at least for amoment) the evil intended for me that was birthed in their hearts and i truly want to 'pray for my enemies'.

one word of caution for potential enemies: my God is bigger than your devil.

for those who know about my dream about snakes hatching eggs that hatched chicks instead...the tide of evil has certainly did an amazing U- turn and birthed good instead. what a delightful harvest.

post mortem

i won't even bother blogging about work because its soooo not worth it stirring up wrath in me now. i had a good evening with lovely old friends and i'm thankful.

had a medical checkup today to attempt to find out why i fainted. once again, the doctors haven't a single clue coz i seem to be perfectly all right. i'm so not surprised. its always the case...the uncanny thing however is that the pattern which i faint is so cool lah.i faint once every 4 years and it always happens in september. except for one year when it was in may.

perhaps some of you might remember an episode from grey's anatomy whereby a lady had heart attack on the same day every year. it was triggered by a death of a loved one but it was a memory she had surpressed for the longest time. so today, i wondered and searched my incomplete memory to see if i can remember anything traumatic that happened in september.

so in short, one friend quipped that i was like the world cup lah. just a lot less sensational.

and i was telling niq, according to natural unnatural medical science, my nxt scheduled faint will happen on sept 2010.

hur hur.

**
i love dinner today with two of my oldest friends in the world!the stone age gang reunites!and ade even bumped into jonathan leong whom she nearly went to stalk despite long hours at work.yes, and we ALL share the same alma mater lah. i wonder why we never kept in touch with people like that but instead...erm...each other.

THAT ASIDE, i'm glad we never fail to laugh really hard at each other even though we haven't met for ages. i love you girls u noe!more than jonathan leong!

i can't believe we've stuck together for more than a decade even when life has taken us on such separate courses. we used to have sleepovers so often and now we're reduced to dinners every 3 mths if time permits. maybe we shd do a sleepover soon...this time at a frasers suite?i get huge discount.=)

puffy eyes and wet pillows

mei ling sent me a song about crying to sleep.

and that triggered so many memories about the times i did so. and how my heart felt like it was broken beyond repair. and the events and people who broke my heart. and broke me.

the good news is i've risen from the ashes each time. like a phoenix. even though every single time i thought there is simply no way i can ever stand up again. because the hurt cuts too deep and i'm only too weak. sometimes the entire healing process takes a day and i wake up the nxt day feeling silly for being such a cry baby. other times, it takes years.

i never was the same again after each episode and every single one altered my life and changed its course. but God was faithful through every single episode. and showed me the power of resurrection in my own life even when i think i'm beyond the grip of His grace.

sometimes when these events resurface in my mind, i still feel a tinge of sadness but i rejoice knowing how God won't waste a single tear i shed and every shred of hurt inflicted , actively turning it around for good. for that i'm so thankful.

its ok if the people never apologised or continue to live in ignorance of hurting me while i struggled to live in denial that i was indeed tremendously hurt. i don't seek an apology or a reconciliation. i'm just thankful God took carved you out of the memory of hurt that i have of you and today i'm free to exhale and inhale love.

maybe if i'd made it known and be brave enough to admit my pain, things would have healed faster. but i never do. i put on a false front and stay so strong den crumble and die inside. i havent arrived at the place where i can be completely vulnerable before human beings so if you've hurt me, unwittingly or not....excuse me while i go drench my pillow with tears.

my breakthrough is here.

this is not easy for me to share but i'll do it anyway. i am so full i have to testify.

maybe some of you already know that my relationship with isaac has never really received the full endorsement of my parents , especially my mum as isaac does not meet the natural requirements of what should be the perfect guy for her daughter. he was the anti-thesis of her. being extremely steep in her chinese traditions, isaac being the one who consistently fails chinese and having no clue about what is appropriate at all did not gain much favour. and she'd really much prefer someone who is spilling over with money.because this daughter of hers cannot afford to go hungry. for one single moment. (dun laugh)

she carried too many fears from her own marriage and relationship and the last thing she wanted was her daughter to walk into those exact footsteps. its always been a sore point in our mother-daughter relationship as well as a pain in my heart. i prayed till i gave up and brushed it to the back of my mind because it was a disappointment that was never resolved. i don't expect them to be best friends but i just wanted my mum's blessings. even when i forgot (or tried to forget) for the past three years, God never did.

i let that desire die because i couldn't face up to the fact that God never answered that prayer. it was too painful to deal with it because i hate to confront the fact that it might signal that my God has forgotten me. or that i'm not important enough to warrant His attention.

in the past few months however,i've been meeting random christian strangers and men of God who just feel led to deliver a word of God to me. even during my trip to melb, these interjections of the SAME word did not stop. all they wanted to deliver was a simple message: your breakthrough is here.

i didn't know what that meant. i felt like my life was pretty on track except for a bit of career distress and that my walk with God could be better.

in short,i didn't remember what i thought God forgot.

today during worship in church, my mum engrossed in worship heard the voice of God speak to her. He strictly told her to forgive any trespasses of anyone who has offended her and proceeded to tell her specifically to accept and bless me and isaac.

my mum, being the God-fearing woman that she is wept and struggled. God had spoken but she still had to be unknotted inside. but i guess she conceded that if God could entrust isaac with me, she'd better follow suit. that led to her praying for him and his career..and then us.

my breakthrough is here.

i thought You'd forgotten. i'm sorry i doubted. thank you for being so faithful Jesus.

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time

coz maybe there's another plan
one i still can'tsee
a little surprise , like your love in my life
funny how time changes how we see.

-everything in its time-
corrine may

tagged by candice on sept 12.just a leetle late

today i love:
You
meeting up with you after 8 days.
your smell/hugs/kisses
nasi padang.
your call to tell me my mum's prayers worked and God is real in our lives.
freedom to love and to be loved
end to self-loathing
feeling beautiful despite big zit on right cheek simply because You live in me.
your mum's gift of brand's essence and walnut cake after hearing abt my plane drama
my mum tapaoing hokkien mee for me in the vain hope that i'll gain weight.
looking/laughing at melb photos.
talking to old friends on the phone
talking to new friend/kind samaritan who helped me on the plane.
realising that people actually read my blog.

u notice i didn't post any pictures of you after the haircut?

hp shot of the boys in church eating the cakes we baked

me with mutant turnip in grocer's at little vietnam

she didn't tell me we were gg on the highway.so i drove...
everyone survived.

shuxin and me in monash

pancakes at jerry's

muesli. she tried to radicalize my diet. decided i was too unhealthy and small.

shuxin aunty and me at jerry's.

scrambled eggs with baked beans on toast at jerry's.
healthy yum yum

its so tiring to upload.

shuxin with pink bow-tied salt

ming,shuxin,me,clare,salt
test shot
top:me, shuxin, clare
bottom:ming, salt, aunty
ming shuxin me clare salt
eskimo me, clare, shuxin. it was super cold!
bbq night
its actualy really dark but my flash is blinding
abit of salt, shuxin,me, ming

aunty holding up the torch for us so that we can see our food.

salt and light.

shuxin and me -chapel st

extra happy shot of me. because the food smells really good!

me and josh. trying to capture the church bldg behind.but our faces are too big.

me and salt at oporto's. i loveee cheeken

another eskimo shot of me. trying to cook/pretending to cook.

withdrawal symptoms

shuxin at me at oporto's.

yarra river
me trying to decorate the cake

on the train tracks on a cold dark night.
shuxin's masterpiece


its so surreal being back home.

i woke up this morning expecting to find myself on the sofa bed shivering from the cold. instead i find myself here warm and snug in sg. i miss them already.

i couldn't post all the pictures on flickr coz there was just too many. i'll post the highlights here instead...

home.

day after our crazy bbq in the cold and dark thing:

woke up. went to monash with shuxin. attended lecture. fell asleep in the library (as usual) .went home to pick aunty up for lunch.found a lost dog. tried to find the dog's home.assumed house at the corner is its home. knocked on the door. owner's not home. unlatched the gate and let the dog in. satisfied thinking we foundthe right place. talked to the neighbours. found out it wassn't house at the corner's dog. panicked somewhat. but went for lunch anyway.

then the rest of the day flew by with me heading downtown to do last min shopping without getting lost and caregrp at night.

den thenxt day it was time to fly home.

and as if you all can get anymore surprised....tadah!
i puked on the plane and fainted after that.
i woke up to find myself with my legs propped high and an oxygen mask over my face. and curious onlookers from other seats staring. yah

but don't worry im ok now.

will post pictures in flikr soon..

2nd last night

time really flies. i had the greatest day yet and i'm so thankful to God for todya. had the time of my life laughing with great people. its been a long while since i actually laughed till my tummy aches.

and when that happened, i could almost see God smile. coz i know how much i ache His heart when i'm glum.

we had dinner tonight in almost pitch darkness if not for torchlights in the park in the cold. dinner was great but the company was fantastic.

i really don't wanto go home. the people here are fantastic and i haven't hung out in a group that i'm so comfortable with for ages.

ancient ruins

the lord brought me on a tour of ancient ruins in this trip. here in melbourne, not in angkor wat or rome. i saw how the events of the past shaped my present wrong attitudes and wept bitterly over them.

just when i couldn't feel more broken, He gave me words of life that teleported me right back to the cross, to HIm- the giver and source of life and allowed the liberty bell to ring so loudly i still smile with great grattitude and joy when i hear them.

how beautiful. thank you Jesus.

I really see the necessity and God's hand over this trip. He's been nothing short of real to me and giving me great fellowship and prayer..allowing me to break in the quiet sanctuary where trusted people are around. and for that, i'm so thankful.

then He restores and whips me back into a hurricane of joy. it's like a chocalate fountain. beautiful molten and sweet. infused with love. i know its notjust an endorphin rush but a true steady stream of peace and joy. true richness of life.

it's not just about waking up to a cool morning, birds chirping and friendly stranger that makes life here great. the true key lies in the fact that everything here forces me into the quiet with Him while i confront all the knots in my soul (and despair over them) before i cry out in sheer desperation for Him to unknot me.

There's nothing i want more than to be an avenue for him to shine through to bring GREAT glory to His name. I used to think about it so conciously and m issed the simple truth that God gets the great glory when i'm happy and enjoying Him..when i can smile in a storm and let Him live His life through me. Its nto about achievements or merits and the conquests won in His name. It's about truly acknowledging that ''it is no longer i who live but Christ who lives in me''.

the great divine exchange of His death for my zoe life.

=)

**
selah.

oops she did it again.

most of you prob won't be very surprised.

but i got lost today. a-g-a-i-n.

i went from the usual point a to point b. but i took the wrong train. right platform. wrong train.

so i ended up somewhere far far away.

and i called my mum at the said place called cheltonham and i just couldn't stop laughing (at myself). it was so ulu mulu i was like in another country.

shuxin just went 'again?!' when she heard of my latest lost predicament.nobody is surprised.

but i managed to get back on my own. the strong melbourne winds blew me back. and yes, i lost weight. jeans are loose.

i don't miss home so much anymore except isaac. but i really like the life here. even though i always get lost. every single time...but i've been chatting up random strangers and exchanging emails and stuff. i really like it here. people are so friendly and ican afford to be friendly as well because if u did the same in sg, people will just shoot you a 'siao' look and walk hurriedly away.

will post more pictures soon. dinner today was great. aunty cooked some oxtail stew thing and i ate alot alot of rice. so happy and full. *rubs belly*

can't wait to post pictures. very few of me really..but i forgot to bring my cable.

bbq at the park tomorrow! we have a heated grill thing and a cooler and clean public toilets. shuxin was saying actually we cld pretend to be homeless and camp there too. i'm excited!food and company's going to be great...

yay i know i bore you all these days with my style of disjointed writing but that's pretty much how i am now. s-l-eee-p-y. getting lost takes alot of energy and strength esp when your bags are really heaveee.

updates from melbourne

shuxin's trying to change me in 8 days.
she thinks i'm too small and unhealthy coz all i eat is junk and i don't even exercise.

so if i go back even skinnier because i refuse to eat the food she tries to feed me, please tie some weights or i'll fly off.

its been pretty awesome here. a personal retreat of sorts. been out visiting her friends for dinners and had nice fellowship.

sunday saw me going to two churches having wonderful spirit filled experiences in the lordand meeting up with even more believers.

jon, if u're reading this i met alot of your friends. and they're really sweet. i wish i brought gifts but now u'll just have to help me convey the msgs.

also went around town on my own. yes, i only got slightly lost. the incidence of that happening is already alot less than previous years so yah..improvement is really good.

didn't do much touristy stuff this time so there was not much pictures to take except pictures of me with people and me doing the stuff we do here..such as...

baking at 10pm. only to realise we don't have eggs at 1030 and driving to the supermarket to pick up the eggs and bake all the way to 4 am.

will post pics ofmy creations really soon. cherished pictures because its the only and last time u'll fidn me baking.its too tiring. we brought it to church the next day and 4 boys ate it dutifully. for that, i'm thankful. was saying that if the review was good...my market value will finally surge after being stagnant for so many years. wish i cld send the products over for isaac's tastebuds but oh well.

we also went out in the cold dark night and laid on the grass to admire the stars. and freeze myself.yes...the fat burning proceess really accelerated in the cold cozmy jeans are now loose. pray for me. that the wind doesn't blow too hard....then shuxin insisted we walked illegally across the traintracks and the super kiasi me who doesn't even usually jaywalk did just that. inthe dark when i cld possibly have tripped over gravel and fell.

thats about it so far.

update again soon.

missing you all.

[heard its been raining back in sg. its really warm here int he day when its not supposed to be.sorry...i brought the sunshine over.]

overflow [of tears]

please don't call me during this period. overseas calls are expensive and i'll pass you the hp bill if you call and possibly delete you off friendster!

i'm not coping well. iknow most of you anticipate this and i hate to prove you right. i'm already crying because i miss him so so much. i'm already refusing to go. tmr will be a huge challenge to shove me through the departure gates. once again.

shuxin be warned. prepare ice and cucumber for my eyes pls. thanks. and direct me to the nearest place i can get a calling card.

i'm not coping well. i refuse to pack in my last item of clothing-pyjamas. i miss him so much. jon just called to give me his melb contact and i just bawled into the phone. not good. at all.and he wazznt even sympathetic. he just laughed.

good friend. but i still wanto scream 'INSENSITIVE MEN!'

i'll get over it by and by. when i am truly over it, i'll be on the plane back home and i'll be crying because i miss melbourne so much.

such is me. what to do?

wishlist

i need...

1)to feel like a princess.
2)to be able to cry in peace.
3)to feel loved
4)affection
5)tourguide

pamper me

i just wanto bawl and i don't care whos looking at how ugly i am when i do.

i don't care abt shedding tears in dignity in private. reinhard bonke always said 'dignity is not a fruit of the spirit'. and i admit once and for all that i've NEVER succeeded at sophistication.

i feel so stretched being sick, hard pressed at work and slated to fly off in two days. i wanto throw my head back in laughter instead. and laugh till my tummy aches. not because of diarrhoea which i am afflicted with now.

most of all, i wanto take control of my time.especially when my doctor has ordered complete rest but the calls never quite cease.

i am in a horribly spoilt mood and not handling the situation as well as wisdom would. i'm insisting on my demands and kicking when they are not met.

i wanto cry in someone's arms.

yours preferably.

"dream a little dream for me
in hopes that i remain
cry a little cry for me
so i can bear the flame
hurt a little hurt for me
my future is untold"

indignant

rhetorical questions in the bible

1) What then shall we say to these things/ if God is for us, who can be against us?
2)He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
3)Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies
4)Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand for us, who also makes intercession for us.
5)who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness, or peril or sword?

pls take time to answer these questions and fill yourself up to the brim with nothing but joy and thanksgiving. thats a true purification of the soul. at least it was so for me.

God's been nudging me all day to check up rhetorical questions asked in the bible.i didn't..until now. was not in the mood to study coz i didn't think it was relevant. didn't realise how the solution to the problem i was facing was just right there in between the lines. =)

i love the indignance in Paul when he threw out these questions. and i smile when i think about the answers. Paul spoke from a position of authority and that came from knowing the answers to the above mentioned questions. How these answers, entrenched in His spirit gave him the power to overcome all that he was going through. it was a mockery, a perdition to the enemy. whoever was trying to deal him with a devastating blow thinking that the circumstances could crush his spirit was dealt with an even more devastating blow- yet another enforcement of his own defeat.

shout hallehlujah!

**
church today was awesome and the simplicity of the msg and the power that came with it shone light into the deepest darkest corners of my soul. its the first time i was preached to by a black pastor and the congregation's fervour and love for the lord was just infectious. the joy of the people flowed with every song they uttered and honestly, now i think i finally saw a glimpse of true worship.

its such a privilege to be caught in the midst of their raw infectious faith. and i realise they had what i never had. the raw spirit of indignance like paul. sure, their challenges are different but they overcome with a spirit that i never had. a determination that is so strong they will not bow to anything except to the Lord Jesus christ. for a nation that is deemed 'third world' , i felt that they were richer than any man on the street here in own homeland. the richness of their soul was a stark contrast to the emptiness we city-dwellers face.

i love them so much and the msg spoke right through my soul.

God really sent them all the way just to speak to me. and for that i'm thankful. i''m no longer surprised when someone comes all the way todeliver a message to set me free from a particular bondage. God came in the flesh himself afterall from heaven to earth.

one day,i'll do the same for someone else out there.yipee!

this week..

i'm leaving in 4 days!

i'mtrying not to be reminded about the giant pile of work i still have to clear, the packing i have to do. the people i leave behind.i'll miss my mum all over again even though sometimes i can't wait to break free from her. such is the irony of life.

this week i finally realised how proud of her i really am. and how i want her to be proud of me as well. so far the only inherent talent i boast is the phenomenon of eating a lot and not grow fat and shitting alot as a result of eating alot.


God's been more than an amazing father to us as well. seeing how my mum has metamorphasized into someone entirely different revelling in the His glory and love brings immeasurable comfort to my otherwise worry-sick soul of unbelief. i don't know how and i don't know when but the miracle took place.

now i'm eagerly pressing in and harassing God to do a mighty miracle with me as well. i'm currently a patchwork of unsightly drapes and i need an overhaul in my life, from inside out.
help me Jesus.

**
in the past week i've had two strange dreams: me taking a bus from sg to melb. and duty free not having the cosmetic dept anymore.

was most distressing.

clearly i've been more than very stressed and its been taking quite a huge toll on my personal life. this break away from all that sg is to me will be quite appreciated. for my sanity.thank u Jesus. i look forward to meeting people i havent seen for a long time, the food just time away from the hustle and bustle.

i'm clearly not very coherent right now. i just surived more than 3 hrs in a hairdresser's. i just hope its worth it and i wun have to cut my hair anymore for the next year or so. i'm so tired (and lazy).

"i have made you too small in my eyes
oh lord, forgive me
and i have believed in a lie
that you were unable to help me"

-don moen's be magnified.

"all my regrets, all my acclaim
my joy and my pain
i give them to you

lord i offer my life to you
everything i've been through
use it for your glory
lord i offer my days to you
lifting my praise to you
as a living sacrifice
lord i offer you my life''

the dad who can't let go

yah im in abit of shock at the revelation that God is that involved in my life. every detail of it has His fingerprint on it. only someone madly in love wld do things like these and it still shocks me that He fits the description.

i don't know where to begin except that i've made the decision to step into 'the office' again. to me, (at least back then) it was worse than stepping into a principal's office to receive my verdict and sentence. stepping into that office was a mockery in itself each time. because someone in that office asked to see me. because something was not right with me. because they think they need to help me. because they need to set things straight. no matter how i paraphrase the above few lines, it boiled down to 'something is not right...with you'.

despite hearing how right i am in the eyes of God from the pulpit week after week, when confronted with the incongruency that is served to me from that office just two storeys above, i let the 'upper room ' verdict triumph in my life. which ironically and sadly culminated in several painful defeats in life.

so i thought i would never be asked back in again. afterall, i'd made a decision to officially leave my church membership behind more than a year ago. and i'm officially a non-official member since i'd also left the church i'd first left them for. (ok i know this is complicated). that aside, i'm still really looking for home. and forthe people i can build ahome with or who would let me into their home.

its not been easy homeless. how i got asked back into that office is another marvel in itself. my mom had invited a pastor A to cometo our house. pastor B came instead when pastor A assigned him to since he had other commitments. Pastor B prior to coming to my hse had never met me. however, he'd heard of some saga(which happened 3 years) with regards to me 3 weeks ago. He stepped in,saw my photo and realised i was the one that was mentioned. i don'tknowif it was mentioned over official gossip although its highly probable but idon't care anymore.

anyway, back to what i was saying..pastor B then proceeded to inquire about me. He decided vehemently it was no coincidence that out of 12 pastors, he was the one chosen to come. and it was no coincidence someone brought me up to him. and it was no coincidence he chanced upon that photo. and it was no coincidence all the way. that it was God incidence and He had to meet me to give me a word.

i've been asking for the prophetic to increase in my life. now igot it. but i'm notsure if i want it.
i was then 'tasked' by my parents who were 'tasked' by him at least three times to get back to him and they too related how he kept saying how important it was. coz theres something i need to hear from God.

i refused to go initially and i know at this point some of you think i deserve to be slapped. but then you really don't understand what happened three years ago and how it affected me. and now to bring it up into the light again, at the risk of the calluses that had formed so carefully over my heart breaking and exposing those wounds translates into the risk i'm taking. yes,the risk to be healed.

alot of scenarious are running through my head. perhaps he'd tell me that 'oops wrong girl ar!" when i see him or perhaps...i don't know. perhaps God just wants this to happen for reasons above mine.

nevertheless, thank you Lord. i can't say i have a positive expectation of good that will comeout of this but i know its Him and if there's something i needto know, good bad or ugly....i'll have the grace to deal with it.

a day in the life of me

inspired my niq. whom i met for lunch today. coincidentally, having lunch with a friend is the only ' normal' human activity engaged today.

i didn't sleep again last night. not a wink and i stumbled to work almost headless. it felt like my head was empty. (pls dun laugh and agree). it was horrible and i was miserable. if not for the fact that the last cockroach was found under the table, i'd have gone under the table to take a nap since i was alone.

then came two meetings back to back. and another two, completely unplanned. i hate it so so much when people drop by unannounced and announce instead that they want me to do this this and that that when i don't even have the authority to. what they mean is they want ME to tell my boss what to do. as if that was the normal scheme of things either. i don't understand people. but then again, as my colleague frequently insinuates that i'm abnormal by going 'seriously, where did you park your spaceship?' ..i suppose they're the 'normal' ones after all.

so unannounced man decided to digress when i was already late for lunch appointmetn with niq. to discuss instead that i should have more boyfriends. amongst many other things. and even TRIED to quote scriptures from the bible (we attend the same church,to my disgust) to qualify himself. he insisted the verse to date more was in the bible. so i gave my bible to him and true enough, he didn't find the said verse.

i erm appreciate (sorta) his concern about my lifelong happiness because this man often drops by to give me career advice too. such as "you are in the wrong line!i'm gg to tell your boss!you shd be a singer!"

yah stuff like that. wait till he hears me sing. hurhur.

the ultimate highlight of the day is that i got a treat at hagen dazs!thanks to another nice man. perks of the job followed by a full-length interview as to why 'strawberry cheesecake' is my favouritest flavour.

ok theother highlight is that today my boss spoke to me about my jobscope. as some of you know, i'm currently 'bao ka liao'. from operations to techinical stuff to leasing/marketing and endless reports. then he broke the news that like at least 3 people will be coming in to take over areas of my portfolio and when he said that i was like 'huh?den what will i do?"

THENNNNN *drumrollllll*

he said i could concentrate on leasing which was wat i always always always wanted to dolah!!when i joined the company i told them that was what i wanted to do, but they said i got wrong degree wrong this no experience etc etc. and they asked me to do operations. and after tt colleague who was doing leasing left so i took over. den i thought whenthey hire someone, i'd go back to sad sad operations but TADAH!!!praise God. i got what i want and i get to concentrate on it.and now they're even getting someone to train me in all the legal and dunno wat stuff abt leasing. so that i'll be really trained and earn some credibility.

ok i'm so very thankful.praise God.i am amazed by how He so ingeniusly orchestrated behind the scenes just so He could give me my heart's desire. and now that i have like knowledge from theground and operations, its really a double edged sword that will truly give me an erm..edge.i'm so amazed at how i got entry into this industry , the opportunities and the opportunities even when i don't have anything in the natural to qualify myself for the job.

the latest?i've even learnt to read drawing plans of buildings that go beyond the floor layout. but stuff like plumbing plans, electrical wiring plans etc.

i'm fine as long as they don't make me draw lah. i mean for my previous job i literally donned a helmet and climbed into construction sites in my heels to survey the site. so i'm already very thankful for this.

**

drink coca cola pls.

lee hom!

i really really wanto watch him when he comes to singapore on oct 21st
and i really need friends (actually just breathing human beings) to go with mee!!
so if u're interested pls let me know.

okok i'm desperate. enemies oso can. i'll make peace with you. strangers also can. just bear with me. buy you dinner later.

tickets are from $28 to $128. pleaseee

garang guniang

there was this garang guniang who was the only female and the youngest employee in her company. her office was haunted as there were strange occurrences of things moving on their own and sightings of a man/woman.

the older erm men were scared when they finally saw it one day. little did they realise that the garang girl had already seen it so many times before when she was often left alone in the office and even went on working while shooing it off with the only (but most potent) power vested in her.

no she didn't let out her shrill siren-like scream. she went '' argh. this is my work place. leave me alone. GOOOO in Jesus name!" she couldn't even finish her sentence before the poor hell-destined spirit fled for its ''life''.

so now the older men think shez very funny(euphemism for strange). coz while they're thinking abt hiring a priest to bless this place, the garang girl has offered her priestly services at no charge. that they shd just give her some bread and ribena for it all to work. but they all acknowledge that when shez around, no trouble from the 'IT'. when shez not around, things start moving on their own and casper's friends pay a visit.

so i suggest they take her advice and give her the bread and ribena and let her do her thing. yes, it might be the same girl who barged into her boss' office to hide from a cockroach but she can rid the place of ITs.