Friday, May 27, 2011

All dressed up with no where to go

Stuffy nose and soul.

My ribs still hurt a great deal and I'm starting to wonder if I'm the third Adam. So which new person got created out of my rib while I slept last night? A friend thinks it highly unlikely that I'm the third Adam but there's always room to doubt.

I spend alot of time fantasizing about prisonbreak ideas. Generally all my fantasies involve being bo chup and just living, something that's clearly not my forte. I would elope all over again with the same person except that he doesn't have enough leave and money is tight "when we travel together". Yah, he mentioned going to Melbourne alone.

I'm not going to call a psychiatrist in the hopes that he will fix my problems. Because a trip to a shrink can buy me an air ticket. When I was merely my parents' rebellious daughter, I ran away at every opportunity and it always involved a plane ticket. Why is it that as I get older, I get poorer and more trapped with worry and boredom?

Why am I the way I am and made to feel sorry as such? Afraid to find out what makes me happy because they seem to all cost money and be deemed frivolous, hence unattainable. And my threshold of disappointment has been maxed out.

Maybe that's why my ribs hurt. Because the shards of my quite crushed heart are trapped within the sinewy flesh that confine it.






Confession

I'm beyond fed up and would do anything to be free from this rut.

5 reasons why I love TCM

1) It seems to suggest that all my problems are rooted in the same few blocked acupoints. If I unblock them through massage, my problems will be resolved! Unlike other schools of thought and religion, there is nothing to do with my flawed temperament, lack of faith and just plain lousy character. Acupoints only!

2)Other remedies are herbal. Yes, that includes human placenta and exhorbitantly priced cordyceps (aka worms attacked by some funky fungus during winter)

3)It almost legitimizes my grumpiness and even justifies it: due to my blocked acupoints, I have not enough 'qi' flowing to my liver which is the control station of my emotions (not amygdala or hippocampus of the brain as I learnt in psych 1101). Therefore, I am emotional (well, they call it depressive psychosis which just totally blew this grumpiness wayyyy out of proportion)

4)All my problems will also go away if I can just burp or fart. To do that, I just have to ingest copious amounts of ginger and press said few acupoints endlessly. This is something I've been doing diligently, as evidenced by almost broken rib cage bone (one acupoint there) and blue-blackish marks on my arms. So, although I look like I've been abused, I'm on the way to being all brand new, chirpy and happy!

5) It doesn't suggest that I have to actually deal with my problems of excessive worrying, emotional baggage etc so I don't have to go through emotional upheavals of confronting issues that bother me. As long as I follow prescribed remedy and get 'qi' flowing well in my body, I will be ALL RIGHT. In fact, the problems are not root causes but mere by-products of 'qi' not flowing to my liver. My crazy nightmares that wake me up at 1.40 am at night with my heart racing are not an indication of unresolved issues from the past, they are just a ruckus that my omnipotent liver created.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Mildly stressed

Somewhat stressed today.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep and the persistent pain on my last rib bone. I'm starting to get really annoyed by it. It feels like something jabbed into that area.

Feeling crabby and snappy. This is totally out of character but I had two hours to spare today in town and I went mad on retail therapy. Damage: enough to get myself a membership to Witchery and bought Isaac an expensive ninja turtles shirt.

Got home to find my ironed and laundered clothes hanging on the arm of my exercise bike. My part time helper gave up trying to stuff them into my full and exploding wardrobe and so they are hanging there while waiting for space to clear up. I think this means I need better space management skills since I'm not getting a bigger house/wardrobe anytime soon. I used to lament that this is a perfectly normal phenomenon (oxymoron alert) because I had to share the same space I had (while at my parents' ) with husband. Today I realized that wardrobe spacewise, I actually have more space now because Isaac's clothes have been relegated to the two-door in the study and I have like 5 panels to myself.

Gulp.

And I still have the ''I don't know what to wear'' disease and I hardly shop!

torn

day 3 of being sick.

My lightning fast brain finally concludes that this isn't sinus.

It's thundering and storming now and while some are cowering in fear under their covers, I actually am marvelling and in awe at this majestic display of power. Like a light show, the whole sky is ablaze with a pinkish orange hue for a grand total of 4 seconds before someone flicks off the switch and renders it dark instead. I almost think it to be romantic to be sitting here in my study alone knowing it's just me and God. I can ignore that just right on this street alone, there are thousands of night owls like me awake and I'm really not that alone afterall. I almost feel cocooned and love.

Somehow I feel so incredibly romanced when I'm alone. Maybe that's why I always wanted to travel alone. My favorite memories include being on the great ocean road alone (on a bus with people but still) under a whole sky light with stars that beam out their greetings from light years away, walking down endless streets soaking in cultures, commuting on trains/trams/buses in Melbourne and HK.

Yes, even Melbourne.

A place where I used to visit once, sometimes twice every year but have gone through two passports now with not a single chop from it's immigration department.

I thought I'd never go back in this lifetime and 2006 was the last of it and it was good riddance to the yarra river, bridge road, vietnamese beef noodles, food tasting on lygon street and scouring for bargains at Target. But the latest conversation with the husband seems to indicate we'll be back. To visit family.

That's where the nerves begin and my run-away tendencies kick into full-drive. Never mind that this means I won't get to Xi-an to fulfil my one chinese city per year quota (excluding HK) . I'm afraid this trip will eradicate my previous beautiful melbourne memories and I really don't fancy sleeping on the couch of someone who hates me.

Just realized that the wallpaper on my iphone is of the great ocean road.

torn.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The other girl

Maybe it's because I'm sick and my mood is as flat as a can of opened soft drink.

While browsing through old photo albums, I noticed that I used to smile like a Cheshire cat. My smile back then spoke volumes of how happy I was, albeit silly and nothing close to the sophistication I yearned to be. In contrast, my photos of late looked jaded, forced and contrived. Eeks.

I like the other girl better. Though I scarcely recognize her to be me.

I hope she comes back soon. In the meantime, no photos please.

A mucus factory

In over production
Mucus-filled tissue bombs (don't mess with me)
Way too early to be awake
Is being an utter brat and craving grandma style childhood porridge
:(

Monday, May 23, 2011

Life as I know it

It's been almost a week since Josh has moved in and despite his fleeting appearances in the house due to a very vibrant social life, he really does feel like our son. (Despite being 6 years younger) It's funny how we never called him a 'little bro' instead. I wonder why.

Husband commented today upon returning home and finding him not at home that we have the ''empty nest syndrome''. And now I think I'm actually going to shed buckets of tears when he goes home. And that we might really never see him again.

This is just a snippet of how I finally found family in what I thought was the most unlikely place-church. Been churched for a loong time since my inception into the kingdom of Christ in 1996 and I never really felt like this until now. The years that I gullibly did bare my soul in the name of accountability, my trust was betrayed and I left with daggers sticking out of my back and gaping wounds in my soul. Though they have since healed, I have never really expected to find family again so the strong kinship that I enjoy now, I am truly truly grateful for.

Beyond being able to be honest and vulnerable (including appearing stupid), I think I finally truly care for these people. When I go about my days, they pop into my mind and at night, I say a prayer for them before I nod off. It sounds all too good to be true I'm almost scared to jinx it. In fact, I'm just scared because I want to keep these people for life (greedily, every single one of them) and I'm only too certain that it is not possible. While the possibility of them turning into monsters and backbiting is significantly lower than that of the other social contexts I've encountered and endured, I think somehow life will just eventually take us in different directions. There will be an eventual gulf of geographical distance..and in time, that will be translated to emotional and spiritual distance. What I can only hope for is that we never become strangers.

I might be a pessimist and it might be too premature to say this but even in the day of technological advancement such as facebook and skype, it will just never be the same. I remember crying buckets when I left a previous job knowing that a beloved colleague and I might actually never get to see each other again. She lives in Sweden and it is too expensive for either of us to visit each other, especially now that she is a mum. We tried to keep in touch and and correspond regularly as we can't skype due to the time difference. However, it just wasn't the same and the frequency eventually waned. Same goes for the girls I grew up with in school. Life after school dismantled and diluted some of the strongest bonds as we tried to navigate the unfamiliar terrain of varsity life in different continents (even faculties) and make new friends. Then we headed off to work and sleepovers and late night suppers became a relic of history. The cornerstones of our friendships were eroded and even though we try our utmost best to stay connected and I have the assurance that they really are just a phonecall away, I can't help but mourn the demise of sharing everyday life together.

Geographical distance means we cannot lunch together, laugh with each other (and laugh at each other). The girls might marry off to distant lands, the guys might get relocated or called to mission fields. The expats might go home or head to lands with better prospects. Even though I sometimes feel that Isaac and I are stuck and rooted, I too cannot guarantee that we'll be here forever; that this will be the final resting place for us and that though rooted now, we will never be uprooted; that though Singapore will always be home, we will never be residents in another land.

It is all too transient, too brief. While I grieve at this, I must rejoice too. For I have been so extremely blessed to have had the honor of having so many wonderful people in my life and have so many of them love me. I do not deserve them and they're walking evidences of God's grace and love for me.

Thank you Jesus.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Surrogate family

Just realized that I've never bared my soul like that and laughed so heartily for a long time. The old familiar yet elusive warmth is back. God truly does set the solitary in families.

In this short span of 1+years, I've shared life and even snippets of my past with these people and it feels like I've known them forever.

Amazing and it never fails to leave me in awe coz not too long ago, I had given up of ever finding a group of people that I could be completely comfortable with and safe with. In the past, I was always surrounded by people but yearned to be alone. The tables have since turned and now I'm sharing life and heart with them. Somehow, I know god is smiling down on us when he sees us.

I look at myself and don't know what I have to offer this group of precious people but I just pray that someday somehow that god uses me to bless them. Love them so much.

Thank you Jesus. We love you too. May our live for each other bring you delight and glory. And when others look at us love each other, they'll know that we truly are disciples of Jesus.

Friday, May 20, 2011

"so many friends I lost along the way"

Thanks for staying on and bearing with me. Especially the husband and the long service ones. You guys deserve medals.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Note to self: don't overeat

My stomach is making too much noise for this hour.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Tuesday in disguise

Feels like a Saturday today despite being a Tuesday. I forgot to do the usual Tuesday load of laundry and now I'm wondering how tomorrow and Thursday will work out now.

I have been so 'out of sorts' I thought there's church tomorrow (if tomorrow was a Sunday), that I should go and get the papers and 8 days etc. I'm so out of sorts I didn't realize I broke a cup and spilled a drink on myself until everyone starting wiping frantically and I heard someone go " it's ok it's ok!!".

The only time I can go anywhere is when I dream and I didn't realize I've ended up daydreaming like I used to in classes and letting my thoughts take me on a destinationless journey, reminiscent of physics classes in mgs. I dream endlessly needlessly and I'm ready to take off.

What I need

More oxygen
A holiday in a nice temperate climate
Painkillers
Aromatherapy
Grilled sambal fish with loads of lime and piping hot aaa thai jasmine rice
Freedom
Purpose

And I'll be fine.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Musings from a free lance housewife

While cooking yesterday, the sauce that I was trying to add to my dish was too viscous and taking a long time to trickle out of the bottle. Impatient, I wanted to just shake the bottle without measuring the quantity and douse the meat with it. The recipe said : 2 tablespoons.

At that exact moment, I heard the soft whisper of the Lord in my spirit telling me that the sauce is likened to emotions. Without it, the dish (likened to our life) will be tasteless and bland. However, we must learn how to master, control and measure our emotions in order to have a successful dish. Neither too much or too little of it. With that, I patiently waited for the thick liquid body of flavour travel to my spoon, measured out exactly two tablespoons and added it to the meat.

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit. It is a by-product, not something I conjure up with my flesh and will.

My prayer today is that this fruit be granted to me as I learn to walk and delight in Him. And may the by product of this fruit be more seed for a greater harvest. May Jesus truly be glorified in my life as a result.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Digression from elections

Listened to Carter Conlon speak about rev wilkerson. Should never have started listening this late at night coz before I realized it, I had 4 steady streams of tears coursing down my face. So want to be there in NYC on may 15 to say goodbye and thank you. It would mean so much to me. Apart of me believes he will be attending the ceremony too and he will finally hear from the spiritual child he never knew he had from Singapore.