It's been almost a week since Josh has moved in and despite his fleeting appearances in the house due to a very vibrant social life, he really does feel like our son. (Despite being 6 years younger) It's funny how we never called him a 'little bro' instead. I wonder why.
Husband commented today upon returning home and finding him not at home that we have the ''empty nest syndrome''. And now I think I'm actually going to shed buckets of tears when he goes home. And that we might really never see him again.
This is just a snippet of how I finally found family in what I thought was the most unlikely place-church. Been churched for a loong time since my inception into the kingdom of Christ in 1996 and I never really felt like this until now. The years that I gullibly did bare my soul in the name of accountability, my trust was betrayed and I left with daggers sticking out of my back and gaping wounds in my soul. Though they have since healed, I have never really expected to find family again so the strong kinship that I enjoy now, I am truly truly grateful for.
Beyond being able to be honest and vulnerable (including appearing stupid), I think I finally truly care for these people. When I go about my days, they pop into my mind and at night, I say a prayer for them before I nod off. It sounds all too good to be true I'm almost scared to jinx it. In fact, I'm just scared because I want to keep these people for life (greedily, every single one of them) and I'm only too certain that it is not possible. While the possibility of them turning into monsters and backbiting is significantly lower than that of the other social contexts I've encountered and endured, I think somehow life will just eventually take us in different directions. There will be an eventual gulf of geographical distance..and in time, that will be translated to emotional and spiritual distance. What I can only hope for is that we never become strangers.
I might be a pessimist and it might be too premature to say this but even in the day of technological advancement such as facebook and skype, it will just never be the same. I remember crying buckets when I left a previous job knowing that a beloved colleague and I might actually never get to see each other again. She lives in Sweden and it is too expensive for either of us to visit each other, especially now that she is a mum. We tried to keep in touch and and correspond regularly as we can't skype due to the time difference. However, it just wasn't the same and the frequency eventually waned. Same goes for the girls I grew up with in school. Life after school dismantled and diluted some of the strongest bonds as we tried to navigate the unfamiliar terrain of varsity life in different continents (even faculties) and make new friends. Then we headed off to work and sleepovers and late night suppers became a relic of history. The cornerstones of our friendships were eroded and even though we try our utmost best to stay connected and I have the assurance that they really are just a phonecall away, I can't help but mourn the demise of sharing everyday life together.
Geographical distance means we cannot lunch together, laugh with each other (and laugh at each other). The girls might marry off to distant lands, the guys might get relocated or called to mission fields. The expats might go home or head to lands with better prospects. Even though I sometimes feel that Isaac and I are stuck and rooted, I too cannot guarantee that we'll be here forever; that this will be the final resting place for us and that though rooted now, we will never be uprooted; that though Singapore will always be home, we will never be residents in another land.
It is all too transient, too brief. While I grieve at this, I must rejoice too. For I have been so extremely blessed to have had the honor of having so many wonderful people in my life and have so many of them love me. I do not deserve them and they're walking evidences of God's grace and love for me.
Thank you Jesus.
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