i'm thinking...

the real healing agents that expedite my healing and soothe the pain are not drugs such as aspirin,ponstan and valium. it just dawned on me this morning that the real healing agents are my friends.

they generate an amazing power that triggers me to laugh. this network of holy power is truly powerful. the laughter that is triggered inturn offsets or at least alleviates any pain and in time, dissolves it. sometimes the pain returns but the holy network strengthens to fight this onslaught as welll. its amazing how God designs and fits us into these networks. sometimes just 5 mins with them takes my mind of the pain and the root of it and while i'm not concentrating, God comes in freely to do His work.

on hindsight, its nothing short of marvellous and truly worth celebrating. so divine lor. they dont just heal, they rejuvenate and restore.

**
yesterday, on the way home after 4 hours of meeting, i bumped into an old secondary sch friend. and upon seeing me she said 'wah, you look so mature now'.

and i scowled and told her thats just a lousy euphemism of saying i'm old.

BAHHHHH

**

the grey area of metamorphosis

i saw a lamb
it was white and fluffy
albeit abit skinny
it didn't bleet
even when someone stepped on her feet
instead she roared.
like a lion.
i was taken aback
upon closer inspection
i realised i was looking into the mirror

directions in life would be very much appreciated.

i really don't know how to live the life that God wants me to live. I have no clue at all what He wants me to be and what Hez doing at this particular stage of my life. I need to go somewhere and attempt to find out by praying but I'm not sure if He'll divulge His plans.

and that frustrates me a lot.

I honestly feel like i'm treading on a tight rope with uncertainty looming below me. my only safety catch is that..if i die, i go to heaven. (haha). no, i really do mean that if i fall, He'll pick me up. but i don't fancy falling at all. and i hate repetition. so no falling again and again even if it means being picked up over and over again...if possible pls.

i'm very frustrated at this juncture in life and i don't know what He wants me to do. so because of that i'm trying very hard to resist not acting impulsively especially when it comes to my career. or the lack of it.

some forces are against me and i'm very very angry. its moments like these that push me to changi airport. i'm an escapist and i'm really trying very hard not to toy with that idea. to be fair, God has given me good int he workplace to balance out the evil (somewhat) in the form of colleagues who actually do work and who also feel the same angst towards a certain someone(s). misery needs company but when we bond and work together, inspite of the great injustice we feel...i actually feel strengthened and happy that our work reaping results (more soon i pray).

i yearn to be recognized for at least the effort i'm putting in. to learn because i'm as green as a broccoli (and as lame as..aye whatever), to practise, to give my 200% into everything. but i'm not getting it. HOWEVER, bosses only seem to pay attention to your mistakes. as disgruntled as i am, i still wanto put in my 200% only because i represent Jesus. they can fault me all they want for the human being that i am but i want to exemplify Jesus well in the few ways i know i can. by sheer grace ..

in the meantime, i'm really praying for a change. that only He can bring about.

**
and recently i don't know why but it seems like i've been made to speak to non english speaking people alot lately.

just for your entertainment, here are some excerpts:

me: can i speak to your boss pls?
silence
me: are you the boss?
her: you wanto take a message?
me: your boss not in?is there any other way i can reach him/her?
her: yesyes.you wanto take a message?
me: can you please tell me i can reach your boss?
her: boss?
me: the one who owns the business...the one who pays you money.
her: yesyes!!money!
me: can i have the number of your boss please?
her: yesyes!!message?money?boss?
me (on the verge of tears) : WHAT IS THE NAME of the person who gives you money for working?
her: yesyes!message!
me: .....

was pretty sure despite her vehement insistence of 'yesyes!message!' that her boss is not called yesyes or message.

when i fast and don't eat lunch...

Never Before

I've never fallen in love with anyone invisible
I've never fallen in love with anyone whose able
until You

I've never known love until You took me in
loved me to wholeness and washed away my sins
until You

I've never felt worth until You died for me
I was a captive until i realised you were the key

**
Lunchtime fantasy

I don't just want to sit at Your feet all day
I'll save that for heaven
when our enemy is in damnation
now all i wanto be is your warrior princess
your land i want to repossess
your children i wanto save
conquer fear and be brave
i wanto lift your name high above
every other name in hell, heaven and earth
i wanto execute your justice, pronounce victory
over the doomed enemy
I wanto laugh in the face of the storm
and usher in light and dawn
I want to crush satan
before i meet you face to face, in heaven

wait for me
in the meantime...
empower me

Our God reigns- delirious?

40 million babies lost to God's great orphanage
its a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
if this is a human right then why aren't we free
the only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree

100 million faces, staring at the sky
wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by
the devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug
but still my chinese takeaway could for someone's drug

our God reigns, our God reigns
Forever your kingdom reigns

The west has found a gun and its loaded with 'unsure'
nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure
Psalms one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime
God didn't screw up when He made you
Hez a father who loves to parade you.

Yes He reigns, Yes you reign...
for there is only one God
but we've lost the reins on this world
forgive us pls
as we fight for this broken world on our knees

**

i feel like i'm fighting on so many fronts. (well sorta)theres so much going on this sick stricken world but because, and merely because i draw a meagre salary from my employer, my job is supposed to be all that matters . while fires of different kinds rage on, all i'm supposed to concentrate on is my job. to maximize, utilize, optimize etc.

never mind about the nuclear test. never mind about the haze. never mind about the human genocide (abortion ) that i feel somuch for. never mind God?

i'm not just any salaried worker. i have a purpose to be here on earth. and without that purpose, i have no reason to be here. but the forces at work seem to be attempting to strip that purpose away from the core of my being.

just because i'm an employee, never mind all that pain and sin that's consuming lives. let that be someone else's headache. transferring ownership of problems from the church..and hence, solutions is by far the enemy's greatest strategy. my headache is just to make money, optimize resources etc. i'm not a guy whereby i can't parcel out my thoughts and emotions into waffle cubes. i feel a right and need to get involved. to feel. to remain disturbed and channel all that disturbance into prayer and whatever necessary action i'm obliged to do. i can't remain ambivalent. my actions shd reflect my attitudes. they go hand in hand.but right now i feel my hands so tied and i abhor this feeling of helplessness.

given another time and era (AND citizenship), i might either be an activist somewhere (don't scoff) or...a college dropout protesting for something. but because i'm not, because my upbringing has taught me to stifle whatever dissent into just meaningless chatter and grumble over coffee, i'll be warring on my knees instead. before the throne of my King.

hopefully that works better.

if only now, that God could capture all the tears and put out all the fires. not just in indonesia.not just the physical fires. the fire that was burning perhaps when the world started turning. the earth is to be a reflection of heaven..sadly, its tending to mirroring hell.

awakening.

when i find myself jogging in circles
i know i have separated my heart
not from the world, but from yours
where it rightly belongs.

i fall like a raindrop
like a puppet without strings
i crumbled on the cold harsh earth
against the harsher wind.
my pretty dress fans out
as i empty myself before You

being alive is a lie
if my heart does not beat with the rhythm of your love.

the painful realization:
that i am nothing without You
I really can't carry on without You.

no yesterdays

"do you know what true romance is
and could you show me now
just what would be the chances
that i could tell you how
if i knew where all the tears were flowing to
i'd guide them to a river
where i'd swim with you downstream
this is that old dream
that i told you about twenty years ago''

this is that new song- badly drawn boy.

to hear it...go to

www.calciumlithium.blogspot.com

. its my friend cali's blog and its playing there.

yesterdays contribute so greatly to our todays. yet i have such a faint memory of my yesterdays. hence, the apparent lackof explanation to why i'm so strange. my old irregular diary entries serve as historical records of sorts to give me a glimpse into certain imploding of behaviors and moodswings that root back to these yesterdays. unfortunately, most of the time, i can't read my own handwriting.

most of my friends who are still in relative regular contact with me take notice of the absence of my memory. this is quite a strange undertaking as i used to be the one with a photogenic memory. i could easily remember lists of phone numbers, birthdays, names and faces. i scored effortlessly for history because i could piece events, details dates together. now, i simply embark on a journey trying to piece together my history and co-authoring my future with my God.

maybe its not a bad thing that my hippocampus(the part of your brain that stores info) is somewhat incapable of retrieving memory that was stored. while i don't foresee forgetting recent events now, i doubt i'll ever fully retrieve all that was lost. i have to confess that sometimes when you and you and you relate and reminisce about the past...i really just pretend to find it familiar. like i knew. when i'm already emotionally detached from that moment in time.

just this week i found out that i was actually nicknamed 'little bird ' in jc. by a teacher. something like that shd have stucked but it didn't.btw the reason behindthat nickname was because i apparently flutter around alot, flail my arms alot when i talk, eat alot and shit alot. (BUT OF COZ BECAUSE IT DOESN'T RESIDE IN MY MEMORY, we have just no way to verify that.TOO BAD) and i was chatting with another friend whom i realised remembered more about a certain periodof my life that i did.

its like being a new person when you can't account for the days you've lived.

love thy neighbour..not.

a certain neighbour never fails to express their deep love for us and the environment by presenting their offering to us. their sacrifice of their land all. so thanks to them, my fine city is not so fine anymore.

now MY countrymen are suffering as a result of YOUR inconsideration greed and disregard for the environment and most of all.. mankind. BUT of coz you wouldn't care. coz money is your greatest incentive so all is ok. well make the most of it now because you can't carry it to hell with you. in the meantime, maybe you'll like to get drop by and get used to the haze here so that you can better assimilate in hell.

i wanto spit fire. in your face. in reciprocation to your offering.

until we meet again.

o death..where is your sting?
o hades where is your victory?

it is so ironic. a few years ago when we bid your youngest daughter farewell at the airport, you put your arm around me and said 'aiyo, xinying...its ok.she'll be back' as i sobbed.

a few days ago at your wake, the same daughter put her arms around me and exhorted me to be strong as i sobbed away. today, the last day of your wake, your eldest daughter asked me if i was ok as i sobbed away again. i told her i should be asking her that instead. i wish i could tell your husband, daughters and mother that '' its ok. she'll be back''.

you raised two very strong daughters like yourself.

your final breath was dedicated to a shout of praise for the one who have since received you into His everlasting arms. i am so proud of you. so inspired. because that dealt the enemy with a mighty big defeat. its a slap to his face knowing that inspite of the afflictions you carry in your own body, he could not crush your spirit. because it belonged to Jesus alone.

at praise and worship, when the congregation sang 'blessed be the lord', i thought of your faith and your dedication in believing that God is good inspite of the circumstances and i sang even louder and heartier. i wanted God's name to be lifted up so high, yes even in your passing. we were there to mourn your passing and share the grief of those you left behind but more imptantly so, the world must know the testimony you left behind that points straight to the cross. i believe thats exactly what you wanted too.

i wish i had said more to you earlier. when you were lucid in the hospital that day. but i was shy. i wish i visited you more in the last days. i wish i'd gotten pastoral aid to come down. even if it was just to hold your hand. i'm sorry. i know you are well and happy now in the presence of the one who loves you the most but...i'm still sorry. to you and to your family.

when i see your mum and husband cry over you, my heart breaks into smitherines and i cannot contain my own grief, which is incomparable to theirs. i wish i could hook up a telephone line just to keep you guys connected. i know we will meet again because of what Jesus did but that separation is just too painful.when i look at your family, i see them all as testaments to all your self sacrifice-the fruits of your labour and love. they are living testaments that you've been a selfless wonderful wife, mother and daughter.

Jesus must be really proud of you. for such a young believer, you exhibited a faith that i never had despite being a christian for more than 10 years. you never allowed the circumstances and your sufferings hold hostage God's love for you. i have. you've shown me first hand what is a undefeatable spirit. that that is a true mark of victory. make your enemy go crazy because the intended effect never materialized even though he has exhausted all his ammunition.

i type here as though you can read this. maybe i really believe you can.but its cathartic. for me. i'll keep praying for your family. because its the least i can do. please ask Jesus to use me to bless them, comfort them and encourage them. i can do nothing on my own and i feel so helpless.

no one will ever take your place in their hearts. let all remember you and smile. miss you but thank God that this separation is not eternal..live on well because you've set the example of strength. glorify God just as you did.

once again, a song for you. for the precious ones you've left behind.
"we're pilgrims on the journey of the narrow road
and those who've gone before us line the way
cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary
their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace
surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
let us run the race not only for the prize
but as those who've gone before us
let us leave to those behind us
the heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives

o may all who come behind us find us faithful
may the fire of our devotion light their way
may the footprints that we leave
lead them to believe
and the words we say
inspire them to obey

o may all who come behind us find us faithful

after all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
and our children sift through all we've left behind
may the clues that they discover
and the memories they uncover
become the light that leads them to the road we each must find

o may all who come behind us find us faithful"

-steve green

isaac had a 'corrine may' moment.

this has to be my absolute favourite. hez written many before but there has been a hiatus of sorts of 'creative expression of love'. but i love this so so much. its moments like these that make me feel like marrying him IMMEDIATELY. i usually have qualms about sharing something so intimate here..thinking it'll lose its 'sancitity' because of unappreciative souls. but for this, i'll make an exception. i can't justify why...i just wanto!

i want to hold you when you cry
when those tears fall down from your eyes
want to run to you the moment you feel the pain

i want to feel the hurts you feel
to be the warmth that comforts you
through the cold and the pain
when the storms blow your way
you'll find...

you'll always findmy arms open wide
you'll always have a home
here in my heart,
where a fire burns for you.

you'll always have somewhere to go
when the walls close in and your world implodes
a light in the dark
a light here in my heart

and one day looking back
we'll both be glad that we held on tight
to such a treasure that the Lord's prepared for us

and one day looking back
when we're grey wrinkled and old
our love will tell a story,
written of old.

uh oh

i seem to be afflicting the comfortable more than comforting the afflicted.

help me to be more like you please, Jesus.