upcoming plans

one sure sign that i'm getting better is that my appetite is coming back.still coughing but its so much better.can see abit of the rainbow already.hallehlujah

today i ate ngoh hiang prepared by isaac's dad and its so good i gave it 9 out of 10 stars. minus one because the wrap was abit loose.after that we went on to eat a meat lover's pizza, a banana chocolate pizza and some ceasars salad..oh and a peace tart.and a grilled beef burger from macs.nothing quite compares to the ngoh hiang.i am so glad i'm marrying into that family one day.no...not just because of the ngoh hiang.isaac is a wonderful man..100 out of 10 stars.

i'm graduating in may.i wanto be a food critic.or food/travel host.i think i fit the bill pretty well.
i need recommendations.they really shdnt get pple who nibble on food like those hosts on ch 8 to host anything.it is a waste of food.a waste of good food.i will make the host look good and eat up every last bit.read:HIRE ME.

im starting to feel like a normal person all over again.smiley miley.yes a special oddball but its ok.normal as in i dun haf the tendency to smear mucus and phlegm on pple i dun like anymore.praise God.quite happy, very hopeful. valley of baca or not, there's a rainbow over my head.and its not a hairband.bodohs.

i'm a blessed girl.i dun need tolook elsewhere for verification.but within. (Holy spirit is sealed right in there!)not every area is in place.infact some areas are totally out of whack but its ok.Jesus is intact and He lives inside me thru me so i'll just bounce right along.lalalalla.read:crucified WITH Christ.

Nobody needs to care. Nobody needs to know. Nobody needs to listen.

He's my Hero.
He transformed me from a miscreation to a new creation

He's my Hero
He turned my odds around and today i'm all even

He's my Hero
He makes empty shells vessels of glory

i will start enjoying being me and stop curbing the life He is trying to live through me.
Yes, even when i'm in the valley

help

i didn't even know i needed that much help. so i didn't cry for help. it didn't help that i didn't know who to turn to for help. But He saw that i needed so much help, so He went to cross,without me asking. and today i have my very present help,because its been paid for.

Jerry Ong's blog.

ok i think i am a jerry fan.grr grr grr to all those who booed him.
Week of 11 Oct - 17 OctI know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that His grace is sufficient for me and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. In this sure foundation God has given me, I can smile in the face of the booing I got at the Lime Birthday Bash.It got me for some time that night. I was stunned by the sheer hatred that those people had for me at the bash. Then I realised that since God put me here, nothing is going to happen that He will not allow. I rest secure in the knowledge that since He is with me, everything is going to be ok, and more than ok. And I am honoured that I could experience this minute, minute, minute fraction of the pain and humiliation that my Lord Jesus went through for me. To Him is the glory forever and ever!This strength I have is supernatural - from God. On my own, I would have backed out of this a long time ago. He is carrying me.
.

these precious hands

they were the first to hold me
the first to dry my tears
the ones that always led me
through many trying years

i see the scars from burden
i see the beauty too
these "Precious hands " that i speak of
belong to only You.

written by someone whose signature i can't read.

i dunno why i thought of this

the world needs to learn that "karma" is a concoction of the devil and its not a very original idea to start with. even the old covenant offered a narrow escape by the shedding of blood. hwat goes around does not necessarily come around. sometimes good goes out and never comes back. kindness does not necessarily beget kindness so why suggest that evil begets evil?

IF the system of karma did exist, then how do u explain the good who gets bad and the bad who gets away with it? either way you get blamed. and the devil gets away scotfree in the blame game he started. how wily.

time to get under the system of grace.whereby Jesus got the bad that was coming our way and we get the good that was so not supposed to be in our lives anyway.

no favour for thy neighbour.

so glad the law is nailed to the cross. so glad grace avails today...

because i woke up this morning cursing my neighbour.

can't love thy neighbour. the one upstairs...makes noise round the clock. weird strange drilling sounds. in the wee hrs of the morning.den shifts furniture around at night. i dunno..maybe he shd be working at the nicoll highway worksite and help them fix up that mess instead of live above me. i totally dun like him. no..i'll be honest..i abhor him.

urgh. ran out of mucus to smear on him. will borrow some phlegm from my brother.

*fume*

for Isaac!

this one is for you....my most precious tangible gift from above.

They Called Him Laughter (by Michael Card)
A barren land and a barren wife,
Made Abraham laugh at his wandering life.
A cruel joke it seemed then to call him the father of nations.
A heavenly prank, a celestial joke,
Cause gray hair and babies leave no room for hope.
But hoping was something this hopeless old man learned to do.
They called him laughter, for he came after,
The Father had made an impossible promise come true.
The birth of a baby to a hopeless old lady,
So they called him laughter, cause no other name would do.
A cry in the darkness and laughter at night,
An elderly couple sit holding him tight.A
n improbable infant, a punchline, a promise come true.
They laughed 'til they wept, then they laughed at their tears.
This miracle baby they'd wanted for years,
Would make a Messiah who'd give us impossible joy.

this must be the lamb

sleepless. only slept at 4 am. and am awake now. the flood of mucus refuses to relent. but i see the rainbow.

on a gray april morning as a chilling wind blew
a thousand dark promises were about to come true
as satan stood trembling, knowing now he had lost
as the Lamb took His first step on the way to the cross

this must be the Lamb
the fulfilment of all God had spoken
this must be the Lamb
not a single bone will be broken
like a sheep to the slaughter
so silently still
this must be the Lamb

they mocked His true calling and laughed at His fate
so glad to see the gentle one consumed by their hate
unaware of the wind and the darkening sky
so unaware to the fact that it was God limping by

the poor womem weeping at what seemed a great loss
trembling in fear there at the foot of the cross
tormented by memories that came like a flood
unaware that their pardon
must be bought with His blood.

-michael card

cold sheep

today pastor also asked us to see our probs that we need turnaround miracles in as mountains

he could'nt have been more right simply because now i see...
1)my mountain of mucus-filled tissue *eew*
2)my mountain of readings


thank God he also offered the key to bring these mountains down to their knees.

HIS name and His grace is the key.

the entry that was written after I ate 3 plates of fried rice.

my nose is currently doing alot more exercise than me. it is runny...*hehe*.its corny but i dun care!i call the shots!no one can complain against that or i'll rub mucus in ur hair!(if u haf hair)bah bah bah ahahahh bah bah.*evil sheep laugh*

but all that is scheduled to change. its turn around day. mourning into dancing..lack into abundance..sickness into health...wet noses into dry noses...tears into laughter...short hair into long hair...etc etc!u get the drift..although the last one darzen really qualify.

throughout today's sermon...in addition to having to fight the temptation to jump out of my seat to declare that i have the best God in the world/universe etc...i also wanto scream out loud that ihave the best pastor in the world. and to God be the glory for that. so rich in revelation and mature and gracious. so proud and so privileged. i will be what i will be because of the grace of God, the ministry of joseph prince and the prayers of...ISAAC QUEK!( must mention bf) and to the rest of u who have kept me in ur prayers at one time or another and watched situations turn around for me as a result...i'll buy u chocolate another day

so glad i'm in the end-time generation.so glad i'm a history major. these two go hand in hand because u can look back at previous generation and go.."aiyoh...tsk tsk..so poor thing"..us..we have it all together. we learn from their mistakes...we see more and more of the full picture. and we haf the rapture to look forward to!

engulfed by Your love

i know i must put today down in words somehow although i can't seem to find the words to do God's grace for today justice.

the key highlight of the day was when some leaders from hokkien ministry came to my house. the worship was awesome and the anointing so saturated my tiny living room i was reduced to tears in a matter of seconds into worship. i understood so little..but His presence was just there. so thick and palpable. it was more than enough. my mind can rest for once. i comprehended nothing except his love there and then. huge volumes of love rushed in my my heart and for once....in a looong time...i felt like i had a heart.

throughout the years, i've had so many scarred and bitter memories. spent so much time trying to recover from anger and heal...and by the time it happens, sometimes before, another episode erupts. felt like i was cornered in every area and i honestly dun understand why. developed spiritual claustrophobia afterawhile and open spaces whereby i can breathe freely suited me best...i started distancing myself from the closest of friends...and i refused to be heavily involved in any place. the theory of not putting all ur eggs in one basket. because everything looked so terribly and precarious. i was standing on the rock all right but it felt like sinking sand.

den today, before they came..i told God that i'm not even going to care whos coming. as long as they're His representatives, i want Him to anoint them and give us a rhema, a personal touch...something that we need so badly. in this war-stricken household. and in the midst of worship, the leader stood up and walked towards my dad, rested His hands on my dad and pronouced blessings exhortations and so much..everythign that i've asked God for in my own prayer closet. God was moving fast and quick and confirming that He heard my prayer.

actually that was more than enough for me. but it was not enough for Him.

after worship, the female leader and i engaged in small talk. and out of the bloo, she just lurched towards me, gave me a hug and started praying and praying over me. and the anointing was so strong...there were other pple around including my mum..while the men were outside in the living room talking...and she prayed and blessed me so richly. nothing that i don't know because God has said themto me so many times i lost count...but lately, i've lost sight of everything He told me in the distant past...and now Hez reminding me. i know its no coincidence since the leaders who previously told me are in no way related to this leader. and it confirms with my spirit. no surprise actually, but its sweet.

den He moved on and spoke up for me. its so heartening...to just watch ur Hero save u.i can just fade into oblivion there an dthen because everyone's attention was so on Him...but He made me feel so special..i feel like cinderella..(perhaps way better ) when i saw Him move for me...spoke up for me for all the times i was slighted in man's sight...i felt so good..coz the leader turned to my mum and told her..not me..coz God knows that i know but not her...that He wants to use me..int he ways that He wants to. she needs to know..that i'm not her daughter alone.and i am in no position to convince her. well, He did the 'dirty' job for me. she can't go ballistic on Him.so phew..of coz all this happened in fluent english lah.otherwise...she might as well just let me interpret tongues.

praise the Lord.

at the end of the day, when i'm standing on the mountaintop, conquering all impossible odds by the sheer grace of God, riding on the waves of stormy seas, i can still boast only Christ.
i remember the pit He dug me out from.
and i remember how far He had to dig
and i remember that He din give up
and that He jumped into the pit
to CARRY me out.

Your sacrifice.. on calvary..has made the mighty cross, a tree of life to me.

this is strange but i know its Jesus for sure. no other reason. things are changing inside me.

i am strangely getting happier and happier. i dunno much abt wats happening around me but if i do keenly observe, there darzen seem to be much change since i last looked. things that were so upsetting might have gotten a little bit better here and there but nothing to shout for joy about. but who cares abt wats happening around which is so prone to change. my real concern and priority is my inner man which is renewing day by day. praise the Lord.

i think maybe i stopped looking to myself and to people for that matter. which is a great load i can so do without. its very tempting to look and sink further into the throes of despair but of late, Jesus' brilliance and love has been too distracting and shining so right the darkness around cannot come up to par at all. it never could actually but my back was turned on Him so i wazznt too sure.

now that light has hit me, i feel strangely light and free. which is a huge irony coz i gained weight. i have not gained weight for a long long time. infact for every ounce i gained, i lost two whenever a 'crisis' struck. stress can take so much out of u. for me...i compensated with ounces of flesh. the only thing i do feel funny about is that i feel pregnant and clumsy with the extra weight although it really is only 1.5 kg. hehe. it feels like i can actually take up alot more space with this weight. i dunno. i guess its just me.

rest is truly the key. coz thats the main clause of my inheritance at calvary. will not distress Him further by forsaking His rest in exchange for work that is futile, that insults His finished work. its a done deal and i'll leave it as that. the questions have stopped...i'll just go with the flow and sail with Him and bask in His love in the land of rest.


i did not realise
the finished work of His sacrifice

i did not realise
to just behold Him
is enough for my gloom to depart
to realise my every dream
that being still
allows His life in me to start.

i did not realise
that all my work is futile
that my life was not meant to be so dull
that my ship will reach the shore
because i am the reason He died for

i did not realise
that my impossibility translates to His possibility
that He is God, and not me

HE HAS MADE ME GLAD

so happy today.despite not having enough sleep..enough money in my wallet because i conveniently forgot to draw money and atms all seem to be invisible today...and having a leander tutorial.(its a dreaded history tut by a masters student who thinks hez master and we ..slaves)

i did end up celebrating the end of tut by buying the most expensive nasi lemak ever at the reputed fong seng that is actually myonly choice because chong pang was closed. and i did go home and get a good rest after that and found myself sleepwalkingto church some hours later.
and the church part did it all. i felt like God was speaking to me and me alone. i feel so light and flighty now. i am just plain ecstatic even though its sat tmr and work awaits me. even though i'm getting sleepier as i type. even though......i celebrate even though my eyes don't see what they wanto see.

hehe.

i am in the land of rest.

silence is not always golden

i feel like such a speckled sheep in His flock. so odd. and my differences are so stark. i dun think i have it in me to relate to anyone anymore. and i've given up the hope that someone can relate to complicated me. my dreams and ambitions alone...already set me so far apart from the rest. no..they are not great and grandiose dreams..but infact..they're so...'achievable'..it barely qualifies as an ambition in today's world. the more i interact with people, the more i realise that i cannot stand any conversation beyond 15 mins. because i just feel so out of this world. maybe i am. but its ok...Jesus is out of this world too and we get along just fine.so i've got really good company. besides...Isaac quek is way out of this world too. and we have so much fun together..in the world we call our own..

i don't believe this is a quarterlife crisis. its not a fork stuck in the road and i'm wondering what to do nxt, not knowing...with all the insecurities creeping in. i think i have a rough gauge about whats in store for me. and i want it. but its nothing spectacular in anyone's terms because its just for me. and i am officially classified under 'boring' by some human doings who stretch the 24 hrs a day beyond two lifetimes.

its a quiet journey...but not a lonely one. thank God.the inner struggles, revelations, innermost thoughts and feelings are nv going to surface because there issnt the human audience that quite understands. and knowing so, i am all the more thankful and appreciative for the two wonderful men in my life. one a God/man of course. my precious Jesus. who is my creator and my redeemer. He knows the whole story better than i do..and is the only reason i am still alive. By the sheer grace of God alone, isaac darzen just understand, he accepts, sometimes relate...and still loves. i think its a difficult place to walk as a man..because i came to him with so many thorny issues. so much history..with almost nothing to give except the love that our savior deposited in my puny heart. Jesus made a wonderful choice in choosing this glorious vessel to carry His love for me.

and because Jesus made these possible for me, i know i truly am blessed. truly truly.

thank you Jesus.

i don't have many reasons to smile in the natural for now...but Hez still smiling, so there must be many pleasant surprises in store.=)Hez still in charge.