Clay Aiken-Everything i have

The thing about this song is that it doesn't profess vain love with vain grandiose promises but a simple faith that whatever is available is yours.

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest
I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with youI know there's angels by your side

crossing over

2007 attests greatly to His faithfulness. but i'm ready to bid it farewell.

i didn't think i'd have survived it.

2008 will bear fruition to all the prayers sowed in 2007, testifying to His eternal goodness and faithfulness.

Faithfulness now takes on a new dimension to me. In the past, it has to be the result of constant breakthroughs as and when i wanted them, according to MY timing. today, faithfulness is an undying devotion to me inspite of me. Faithfulness is standing by me, not forsaking me and proving Himself true to me. and i finally learnt that the breakthroughs are only but a by-product and not the epitome of faithfulness.

and i learnt to bide His time, discern His seasons appointed for my life. and that no vain effort of mine shall prevail against His when i live in complete surrender. i can confess and proclaim all i want but if its not time, its not time. and He knows best when to bring about the plans to fruition. I can plan all i want but it'll all be in futility. the best course of action that i've since learnt is to throw it all into His hands and live with all abandon in pure undiluted trust.

i've found myself at places with people that didn't seem right and resisted it with all my might only to realize it is His will and there was a purpose to be accomplished, something good for me to uncover, a special reward from Him awaiting. have been so deceived by what I see i nearly missed out on His plans for me.

i'm ready for 2008. i'm not hiding under my bed this time but i'll be ushering the new year in with my arms raised in thanksgiving and praise. it's been often said that we should count our blessings. i can't do that when i'm enraptured by Him and enveloped in the essence of Him.

i don't know what 2008 spells. for the world, for me. and the only confidence i have is that He'll be there with me and isaac. and that's enough for us.

who remembers this?vitamin C- graduation song (friends forever)

I don't know why this is here. please don't shoot me especially for those of you who are age-sensitive. it's funny and cute and it got me smiling (yes, to myself)


it's almost 2008. listen to this and go back to 1999 for awhile and reflect abit. laugh and have a happy new year!

Here are the lyrics:

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

(*GAH IT'S NEXT YEAR)
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

Chorus:
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?

*(Re: fortune cookie joke)
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

*Repeat chorus*

La, la, la, la; yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, we will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

merry christmas

the parallels are so uncanny. life has a way of being unoriginal and replaying part of yesterday's scripts in today's scene.

i despise that. i want a fresh new reason to know why inspite of the different factors, the outcome is still the same. i don't want a recycled jumble of excuses to spell my verdict. i'm more than that and i've refuted the same reasons before.

it's finally christmas. christmas this year must be the hardest to reach ever. usually it just flies by and plops me there on christmas morning. this year, i trudged through mountains and crossed plains to reach here only to realise that when you take out of Christmas, which i did because i was so caught up with everything else, that it is really an empty meaningless excuse to be home.

i feel like my heart is worn out by weariness and i marvel at how i'm still here. my soul is so shredded by setbacks and empty words that i'm just ready to collapse and once again, take the first flight out at the earliest notice.

i'm tempted to blame me again but today i see another side of the picture. that not everything is about me, even the problems. and strangely inspite of the problems and the lack of resolution, i feel a deep relief that is just exhilarating. like i've been set free from an inner prison.

entertaining random thoughts to go and be God's lone-ranger warrior princess. the only claim i have to this island is now all but a pink identity card. a faded card. my ties are cut so loose i'm ready to fly. i'm all for flying but only with the purpose of finding somewhere to call home, take root and settle. not fly around aimlessly. i want meaning. i don't want this going around in circles of head any step more in this journey to nowhere. i want a destination. life might be about enjoying the journey but i need more than a pitstop. and if i can't find my way home, i want to make a home.

and home should be where i'm appreciated, celebrated and welcomed. i have a vague idea of what that is. i've had it.

21st december

21st december
this day holds a lot to me. nothing special or spectacular but many years ago, i decided that the sound of 'twenty first' goes well with the sound of 'december' on my tongue and decided to 'adopt' the day .

so, since 2000, i tried to make the day special for me. from planning parties that flopped big time to just having precious 'me' time or 'us' time, i always tried. I also take time to do a yearly inventory check on my life on this day. to me, this is the point in the roller-coaster ride that you hang vicariously on top before you roll downwards at superfast speed and end the ride. The ensuing 11 days before the year ends will fly by and i'll find myself at the start of the queue all over again, waiting to start a new ride.

this year i didn't expect it so spend it like this. for the uninitiated, i've had a week of MC. don't feel sorry for me because good came out of it. although i felt drained and its been said that theres not a hint of color in my face and i was literally gasping for breath, God had me. i was God's captive audience and He had my full attention. whether i was concious /unconcious, i pretty much spent it in bed. a short walk from room to kitchen left me quite breathless. apart from going to the doc's, i haven't been out of the house since sunday. today i tried to get some fresh air and sun..and i returned green in the face.

yes, 21st december. 2007 has brought me to places i've never been and could never imagine being. i don't know how and when exactly it happened but i found myself here and i'm thankful.i know 2008 holds so much more and i'm excited but scared that i'm not ready for it. that it'll be too much for me. i'll need so much more wisdom (from managing my time, relationships, money and health).i'll need to know so much more, learn even more at a faster rate and when the world is in a whirl, i gotta close my eyes and allow myself to be teleported to his heavenly throne to find grace in time of need.

this year, i've taken the plunge from heights i've never ventured and found myself soaring on His wings, taking me further into the sun. i've had my disappointments, pains and by God's grace moved on. i've allowed myself to die manytimes more than any other year, to my own ambitions, my own inhibitions and my own rights.

most of all i confronted the reality that i lived 24 years. and i'm ready to emerge from His quiver and head for the bull's eye. the sharpening has been painful and long but now i'm good to go. my heavy weights that tie me down to lesser things are dropped and i'm good to go.

last night i had a dream and i was young again, a sprightly (stupid) teenager again at the threshold of her life. i struggled again, laughed again, loved again, squealed again. then i woke up to being 24 and i realized that i can stop blaming me. that even though empowered with the prerogative of history, i couldn't stop myself from going through that journey and making those specific choices i often count as regret.

given that level of wisdom at that time, i did the best i could. maybe the journey was ordained- but this i can't verify until the last day. whatever it is, now i can heave a sigh of relief and be at peace with myself. coz i revisited the 'me' then, had a chance to do it all over again and didn't do it differently because apart from God, i just didn't know better.

i suspect God allowed that dream for me to reconcile with 'me'. so that i'll be less harsh on my foolishness and see that inspite and despite, He prevailed as the Saviour, master and nothing, not even my foolishness can interfere with His plan for my life

postponed, indelible.

i can almost see 2008. i promised myself to savour the last bits of 2007. i think i have to change that to savour the last weekends of 2007. at least unlike previous job, i don't have to work on weekends.

was telling the favourite colleague that i need a break and will probably take some leave to have some 'me' time in Jan. either just a breather to recharge or duck away for a quick holiday. don't ask me why i said 'duck away'. same reason why i call nutcases nutcrackers.

then over the course of the TWO ensuing days after the 'i need a break' comment, i have had emails/phonecall and various other miscelleneous stuff falling from god-knows-where and locking dates into my 2008 JANUARY calendar.

now, i can't find a decent empty pocket of time to take a break.

next break scheduled: march 2008.
**

as it is, i'm already anti-social and reclusive. lately, i've been reminded of many unpleasant 'people' experiences and i just suddenly want to retreat from civilization.

it's been said too often to not place your expectations of people but on God. coz He's the only one that can't fail you and don't be too surprised when people do. but who on this earth can simply have no expectations ?nothing minimal?

i'm guilty of failing too many expectations myself. in every role.

ie. you'd expect that friend to care. that friend to stay in touch. that friend to ask. that friend to remember and that friend to not break a promise.

and it doesn't happen. and then you wonder why and conjure up all sorts of reasons to explain it. and the only time you stop wondering is when you have 1)amnesia 2) you've written the person off and lost all hope.

i don't want to be a cynic. i just want the peace of mind knowing that yes, while i might feature no where in your life anymore or have a reduced importance, we had glorious days of fun and laughter. and be grateful for your presence in my life, albeit in a history that can only be accessed by memory. therefore, no mind games to wonder why 1) i had to hear about your wedding when your mother invited through my mother. 2) you are aloof 3) you don't bother 4) when i realized that i never realized that a year into the 'new' phone, i still don't have your number.

your future and present will not feature me. and i don't even have the honor of an eulogy to be marked in your hall of fame. but my name, it'll be there when the credits roll. i will be the artefact of a history that is celebrated but uncontactable. an indelible memory. unless alzheimer/amnesia strikes. (hurhur)

it doesn't take physical death to bid farewell. its the unsaid goodbyes that are truly tragic. whether it's a missed opportunity or completely unrealized. relationships transcend beyond time and space and even death. it's the demise of a friendship that was once so glorious and the divorce of knitted souls that require true mourning. and yet nobody ever does, even when resurrection is not a promise.

Star awards 25th year.

my mum is expressing deep regret for making me learn piano when i had clearly zero interest instead of singing. because while watching some star awards show, she just realized that i can sing themesongs of drama serials as far back as 1984.i cannot be more than a year old then.i remember EVERY single line of the lyrics. (somewhat) i also don't know how.

so, if anyone wants to duet the Unbeatables (FIRST INSTALMENT ONLY), you know the number.

**

i seem to be echoing another friend but i'm very tired. i can't even see the soonest possible time i can actually take a break.

and i still struggle with pretty much the same problems with work thoughts haunting me through what's supposed to be my sleeping hours.

am most desperate for a break. for a breakthrough.

i don't know how much of this i can take.

Grey

it's the strong themes. and the magic in every line that cuts into my soul.

i have nothing in common with any character. i'm not supposed to be able to relate to them but somehow i do. I probably am more similar to Phoebe of Friends that any other character I even know. or as Facebook says, Chandler.=/

anyways, the bottom line is i'm hooked to Grey's anatomy. It makes me think. hard.

Evidences of You

I feel your breath in the gust of wind
I see expressions of your blessings in the heavy afternoon shower
I see the sun, a shadow of your glory
In the thunder, I catch a glimpse of your majesty
In the snow, I remember your redemption

Remember me this way

i'm trying to figure out why and make sense of things.

So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.

Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.

i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.

i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.

thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...

it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.

I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :

you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.


and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.

a hesitatant prize fighter, still trapped within my youth

having trouble switching off my mind regarding work and it's making me admitting that i'm not as dynamic as i'd like to think i am.

my personal life and various other matters require a lot more attention and spring cleaning. including my walk with God which seems to be the richest in lonesome hotel rooms/planes. that should not be the case.

i've been feeling quite PIT i ful lately. like im somewhere in the doldrums of life because so much just keeps happening at a pace that i can't keep up. i want to crawl to his lap and seek refuge but even that is like an ascent up mount everest.

where i am now is very lonesome and no one seems to understand or even be available to. i don't know why its so hard for me to communicate or why i'm so hard to fathom. i would like to think i'm as transparent as can be and yet, empathy or a soul-knit is so hard to find.

the desires of my heart have also taken a backseat. they occupy my conciousness and haunt me down but yet , the high obstacles entrenched in the journey of their fruition is wearing me down. i feel like my soul is sandpapered at every turn and i'm emotionally and physically drained.

these days, my idea of a holiday is to hole up somewhere in absolute solitude to catch up on sleep and shut the world out. and when i wake up, i'd order room service and dine with my beloved King. before going back to sleep.

**
As I travel and see the weariness and dead stares that seem to be perpetuated everywhere in every corner and street, it speaks of the silent cry for a deliverance that can only come with Jesus.

there is so much need that CAN be met because provision has been made. there's so much more to this life. there's so much in store. but what are we chasing down and selling our souls to? i used to relate with much animousity regarding certain cities i visit. i detest everything from the bad traffic, the rude people and the high crime rate. but somehow, now, i see a city lost and its weighing so heavy on my soul.

isaac has commented that i have the something that makes people pour our their life stories to me within like a few hours of knowing me. or even less. and i don't know why coz sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and i'veknown you for an hour and you start bawling and crying and i start praying and etc etc.

i remember the colleague who poured out her problems on my first day of work in a previous job. a stranger about her personal difficulties on the train. etc. now they're all friends. instantly.

i used to lament about it and wonder why but i guess now its a privileged position. people are starving for a listening ear. a friend. some attention. and i know what its like to live without. so to be able relieve that in bustling city of activity that only encourages loneliness is a privilege. however, ironically, i've never been able to do that. to just release except to a selected few. and even then, i scream inside but can't be heard.

difficult

i'm dusting cares of the fragments of my heart so that i can give it to You again.

i see a big boulder and i don't know how to proceed. but You said 'remove all obstruction from my people' so i'll wait for Your word to come to pass.

the frustrations and cares and overwhelming and honestly there's not much of me left. i hold on to what little i know of You and ask that You expand the horizon of my perspective so i can see. Light my steps so that i walk in the path You ordained.

thank God for prayers of the saints and precious friends and family. and of course, my most faithful best friend and confidante, who soldiers on with me everyday in prayer, unceasingly-isaac. he's the epitome of the 'more than you can ask or imagine'.

i don't even know how to pray. i stopped praying for the boulder to disappear-evaporate,sublime whatever. i also stopped praying for deliverance coz deep down i know that i'm where i should be. now i just pray that i have the grace to react right. to conquer with grace and dignity. to stand tall and proud knowing He stands with me.

another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk ot of this place
but when i am suck, i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wondr if i'll ever make it through

but i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one that's keep my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
that's the only way i'll find healing

Can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing
oh you're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing

Mercy me-gotta keep singing

impulses

2 cds- mercy me and steven curtis chapman.
2 pairs of havaianas- i call this doing a 'cali'.
insane urge to go toiletries shopping. buying insane amounts of shampoo, sniffing my way throuh every bottle.
insane urge to just book a plane ticket to anywhere
tiramisu
fatigue

my stress indicators.

homesick

i close my eyes and i see your face

if home is where the heart is then i'm out of place

Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

i've never been more homesick than now

mercy me

where do i begin?

plans changing in a split second. moods changing just as fast. confusion. fog. fatigue. joy. satisfaction. fulfilment. frustration. helplessness. hope. gratitude. dread.

that pretty much sums up my week.

in desperate need for a miracle. empathy. understanding and love. most of all, i need to know what He is thinking about all this so that I can act accordingly.

this week i've had three full days of rich delicious food- a result of entertaining guests from sweden. however, i'm feeling spiritually bankrupt because of the schedule and mounting frustration from various other sources,i haven't had time to get to Him or even let Him steal a moment with me. He shdn't be stealing any moments. He shd be given all attention. but i haven't allowed that at all and hence today i really broke.

i called two friends and isaac and poured it all out. it was a vomitting purging session.I really felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i am upset because i love it all so much but just because of that ONE factor, i can't fully enjoy my work and maximise effectiveness because i feel simply harassed. it's like a thorn in the flesh. all else is fine and i'm contented, even working through the hiccups but everytime i think i muster up enough grace to face the situation, it's like being thrown dung in the face and i lose it. all over again.

call me oversensitive but this is my threshold and i can't change it. i really detest and abhor the lack of respect i'm given as a female counterpart. i am thoroughly incensed by the fact that it is assumed that i'm an exception to respect. i want to put my foot down and say i am not. infact, i thought i did but apparently my message clearly flew over the hayfilled skull.

i don't know how else and i'm at my wits end. i don't want to let one person rob my joy and peace but i really have nothing left in me to even just 'ignore' or 'forget it'. i dread the reactions when i voice out my dissent.

tell me how?

flying daggers

There has been such a growing list of people to forgive of late.

Vindication can be one of the hungriest, most destructive ppetites we possess. Vindication is rooted in demanding our rights and justice for the wrongs done to us. But God says, " Vengeance is Mine". Itis His right, and it will cost us dearly to try helping Him out. When we do, God backs away from the sitution and lets us handle things in our own fleshly, accusatory ways. Unknowingly, we are actually coming into agreement with satan and hindering ourselves from experiencing the intimacy of Father's embrace. When we decide we had better do something to help God straighten others out, we are definitely in need of God helping us.

-Jack Frost- Experiencing Father's Embrace.

" To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil fr evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; f you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."

1 Peter 3: 8-9

I'll let what's yours remain yours. Sorry for trying to defend me, who is your charge too. While you're out fixing these crooked hearts , please remove the daggers from my back and keep me from attacking them from the front with spears.

there we go, mutual effort.

You promised a blessing when I choose to respond with forgiveness and grace. You know what this will cost me. Help me remember what I cost you- Your son on a cross. I really don't understand your Fatherhood enough. I really don't believe 100% that You'll be my shield and I have to guard my own interests. Remove all that obstructs the truth once again.

I value nothing more, not even my own vested interests than this relationship. I want to live it as it was meant to be and not try to be You. Even if your appointed time for vindication is not the same as mine. Give me the grace to respond right.

I'll still let you continue to run the show. Afterall, every David had a Saul. Every Joseph a 'band of brothers'.

Switchfoot - Gone

loved the song. but i love the homemade video by these rookies even more.

so cute.but don't miss the message behind the song though

wardrobe is not bursting..

i was complaining to myself (and isaac) that i have no clothes to wear. esp tops. and its so hard to buy clothes now coz everything decent is so expensive and designers don't seem to realize the very real phenomenon of global warming and keeps featuring THICK heavy clothes in their collections.

so then tadah

i found a shop to acquire tops and went crazy there. bought like 6. then mum, not knowing i just did went ahead to buy like 5 more for me.

so now i won't be complaining that i have no tops to wear.

just bottoms maybe. or bags. or dresses. or shoes.

1 girl rebellion

communicating in silence
we speak volumes

Isaiah 63:10But they turned on him; they grieved his Holy Spirit. (The Message)

rebellion grieves Him. rebellion involves me knowing His way and insist on going another, wilfully. rebellion is not passive. it very actively opposes the stated will. and, i'm guilty as charged.

i've always had a rebellious streak thinking if i push hard enough for anything, fight long enough, i'll get my way. i operated with an unofficial license to oppose anything that i didn't take fancy to and did the very thing He didn't want, knowing these things do violnce to my soul.

Having paid the price, i've since toned down. today, the only difference is that i struggle to not fight, not push and let Him have His way. it's hard for me to submit. very hard.

maybe it's a too deeply rooted insecurity that makes it hard for me to trust anyone/anything. maybe i'm too arrogant and trust me better. maybe, it's just a by-product of a fallen nature. it doesn't matter. i just want it crucified and live in total surrender.

i remember my parents (my mum mostly) having the hardest times dealing with my rebellious streak. if i don't agree with her way, there's no way she's going to get me to obey or compromise. to me, there is simply no middle ground and i'll fight tooth and nail to get what i want. in this fierce battle, there have been many casualties.

i liked to swim very much when i was younger. loved the water/sea. and then she came along and told me to swim and i just had to oppose that. sulk/gripe endlessly when she wanted me to swim. i felt like there was an agenda besides me enjoying myself. back then, it was to make me healthier and alleviate the asthma but i didn't care. it was not a valid reason. only my having fun was.

and this is just one example out of countless others.

while things are much better today and i see really no point in rebelling, either that or i've jaded and worn out myself and every other, i still from time to time find myself trying to center everyone and everything around ..me.

and when self usurps the throne of God in my heart, i find my world in complete disarray. at the end of the day, i'd rather let Him rule when my destiny is at stake. while my heart is taking its time to be aligned with His, i'll let obedience be my guiding light. in a world that's not my home, where my bearings are often lost in a whirl of confusion, i dare not lean on any earthly understanding (even my own). i don't want to waste a single breath He has given but i don't know how to truly live. because in His own words, life is much more than material pleasures , more than anything my depraved mind can currently comprehend.

until enlightenment hits, i can only imagine.

i cannot do without You.

Wilber Pan - 路太弯 Lu Tai Wan

5 stars for the voice. feels like tiramisu

if you like rojak, you'll like this post

invitation for home cooked meal that will not make you fat

when you come home after a tiring day at work, a warm hot meal really works wonders to your soul. at my house, you can expect the entire opposite. hence, grumpy me. if you don't want to overeat for dinner, let me know. i'll invite you over to dinner and taste my mum's cooking. all of you have heard it often, don't take my word for it.

try it for yourself.

**
volunteers to watch movie wanted
really want to watch Lust caution. esp so when its lee hom's first flick and i heard and read so much abt how amazing tony leung was. really showcased the best of his acting. i remember the soulfulness and depth in infernal affairs, 2046, heroes etc. and those really piqued my interest for Lust caution.

also, the romance and intrigue of an espionage film that was originally a novel is like a sure formula to arouse my interest. especially when it is trying to communicate an underlying message and is history personified.

**
plea for technology to slow down

i really struggled at the following junctures in life
-when the internet came about and became a regular feature in regular lives
-when 'alamak chat' was introduced and everyone in class was meeting there after school
-when everyone moved to IRC after i finally learnt how to use various commands to 'emote' in 'alamak chat'
-when everyone moved to ICQ when i finally even downloaded IRC
-when everyone moved to MSN and i had only a handful of friends on ICQ (i'll be forever thankful they stayed on. i was later told they only kept icq for me. because it was the only way to contact me)
-when everyone raved about friendster (i caught on when the fever died down. before that, i was pretending to be too cool for it)
-and now that friendster is well on track..YOU ALL ARE DOING THE FACEBOOK THING! (why?!!?) i managed to evade multiply but there was no hiding from facebook. it is a phenomenon. and even so, it was cali who set up the whole thing for me. to this date, i still struggle to throw a sheep. BAH!
-when i started this blog. ok cali set it up for me also. all i had to do was type and click 'publish post'
-when you all moved ahead and entered the realm of MP3. to this date, isaac rips cds and transfers music for me.

please slow down. for my sake. i'll stand up to facebook but no more after that ok?

change is not the only thing that's constant

i still hate butterflies
i still hate insects
i'm still not a morning person
i still have a very low threshold for pain (physical or otherwise)
i'm still a stubborn unicorn
i still talk a lot. (some pple dispute that, they say i talk even more)
i still laugh like an ah beng
i still like hello kitty
i still speak my mind all the time. its called thinking aloud
i still trip over imaginary pop up tiles.
i still am allergic to technology
same what?!

letting

let your cross define my life
let your will be the centre of mine
let my soul love and thrive
let my heart be your shrine

let our desires be in sync
let your promises be all i cling
let my no be no, yes be yes
let me surrender all my cares

let your spirit have its way
let me give all the say
let my words be very few
uttered only to glorify you

let your rest in me reside
let me in your love abide
let my all rest on your altar
let your wings be my shelter

DON'T let me go.

Memories

ok these things seriously make me cry and dry up. a song written by a man deeply in love with his wife of over 2 decades. and i had the honor of hearing it live.

i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life was a mystery
there's no place on earth we'd rather be

moving up, goin through some changes
storing up the memories
then you gave me the light of my life
i always gave the best that i could give

sometimes it never seemed like enough
but we never quit when the going got tough

do you remember the way it used to be
never counting the cost it was a matter of trust
covenant cut were lovers for life
i still bear the scars do you still carry the knife (haha)

i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life's still a mystery
there's no place on earth that we'd rather be

this is my life and i'm passing on my memories

**
attended a beautiful wedding today and i just cried and cried. by now i'm sure all are convinced God has a private cellar of tears in heaven reserved solely for me.

just as it is often widely preached that love is a decision, i think to withdraw the love is also a decision. and both aren't easy.

i think it is a miracle of heaven today that i witnessed when a man and woman become one in heaven's eyes. sometimes when i see myself walking down the never-ending aisle , resplendent in a glory that cannot be earthly and i see Jesus at the end of the line waiting. this image has replayed itself a thousand times in my mind but i'm always walking down the aisle.

i know He is waiting in anticipation but i need so much grace just to finish the course and finish it well. i'll run the race not only for the prize. wait for me.i'll get there.

**

the mending and uncle david

blade of lies
cuts like knives
tears the flesh
merciless lash

forget the fallen things
let Him mend your broken wings
find grace at His throne
for that is your Home
find strength to release
in forgiving, find peace

there is a gift
your father has lovingly prepared
precious, genuine and rare
a prince with a heart after His
to share life with you and eternal bliss

his heart you will inhabit
there'll be a heavenly deposit
of His love for you in him
to love you right
his heavenly bride

He'll turn your ashes to beauty
you'll be free
from this hurt and pain
in earthly losses you'll find heavenly gain

i've been there,
so don't despair
He never fails, even when they do
His heart is still full of you

so rejoice as He bottles your tears
soon your mourning will turn to joy
His love will sublime your fears
then get ready
to meet that boy

for my friend who broke her heart today. don't bother picking up the shattered bits. get a new heart.

**

on a lighter note,

mum: wah, that david's son writes very well.
me: which david?who's david's son?
mum: solomon lor!

yes, my mum talks like we know him very well. oh, and solomon too. we're this close to calling him sol for short.

i-post:setting the record

i really want our lives to be a stirring testament that will inspire others to follow Jesus. I know on my own, with tantrums and shortcomings, i might cause others to backslide bearing the name of Jesus. but i pray they see beyond me and His hand upon our lives and be drawn to His goodness and boundless love for them.

i don't want to regret anything. at least, not anymore.

i don't want to waste a single breath of my life and live life merely existing. it's too much of a price that Jesus paid and i can't bring myself to back down.

i know i can't stop the detractors from pouring cold water. so i'm trying to rehabilitate/cocoon my faith and keep it safe. incubate it and grow it in this world that's not my home.

wishlist

wishlist:

to be able to take a few months of work with a huge enough budget to travel around with isaac before kids appear. after i get married of course.
and i don't want to stay in anything budget. especially for certain places, minimum is 4 stars.

places include
-shanghai (again)
-hongkong(again)
-israel (i've been waiting for so long for this one)
-US (north carolina, New York and go visit niagara falls, grand canyon etc)
-canada (to ski!)
-Korea (again)
-japan(again but i want to include hokkaido this time)
-malacca (don't ask why.maybe because i sorta descended from there and i'm sucker for anything rich in history)
-NZ (not auckland because i'm already gg there for work.maybe like wellington to see geysers and take in nature)
-adelaide (because melb, syd and brisbane has been a regular feature in my passport)
-norway (aurora lights)
-italy (venice and i'll even drink coffee when i'm there!)
-france ( actually i'm not that keen on this one)

ok actually now a quiet afternoon to watch my detective dramas will do.and that said, i know the moment i start packing, i'll be too tired to go anywhere.

growing apart

sometimes growing up is synonymous with growing apart.

was thinking about that today and i just can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. because now work takes up so much of our time. because now we spend our precious weekends sleeping instead.

and its sad we're catching up at such a tragic frequency and we have to rely on email/sms/msn. its really hard to create soulmates at this age. when you miss your window of opportunity to find soulmates in your teens,you pretty much missed it altogether. and now, the struggle is to maintain them and continue growing together.

you used to finish my sentences
read me like a book
know what i'll order at the cafe
think i hate coffee
think all i drink is pokka green tea

now the cafe is gone
and the old me buried.
now
we have trouble recognizing each other on the streets
and i feel like a stranger to you
you don't know what i've become
and i don't know what you've turned into

there is an awkwardness when we agree to meet
we set no date
yet we continue to pass each other by
on the same street

i don't know how to begin updating you on the years in between
the struggles and how i was forced to grow up.
i don't know if i can bear to hear your story
knowing it was without me

it took a moment to be friends
it took years to be strangers
fermenting through the years
and now we're vintage

we couldn't imagine life without each other
now i don't even know your number
we know we were wrong
we strain to reach the high notes
but we always finish the song

you'll get married without me there
i won't be your kid's godmother
we will never catch 'friends' and soccer together
i hope you remember me in your prayers (i do)
there'll be so much we will never share
again

i thought of you on the way home today
and i felt a stab of pain
knowing we'll separately grey
knowing it's impossible
to be who we were again

perfect sense

i just came back from what i affectionately termed as the international HQ of houseflies yesterday and i am still very tired. like sleep until cannot wake up to eat kinda tired.

(i make perfect sense)

i really like being home. travellings very tiring-its like living 2 days in 1. even though i get more sleep than usual it doesn't seem like it. or maybe because its mooncake festival...that's why i'mso tired.

(i make perfect sense)

the next week ahead is going to be very busy as i only have effectively two work days. will be on course on 3 days and that means i have to cram one week's work in 2 days. i'm never signing up for courses again. forget upgrading.

(i make perfect sense)

i'm fantasizing about a time in the future (hopefully not too far away when i take leave)
-wake up in time for lunch
-lunch
-watch coldcase on tv or any either detective show since cold case is dvdless (there's a story behind this)
-spend time with God (actually this shd come first before anything else before my brain is fried by drama)
-dinner
-sleep

( i make perfect sense)

all in all

a few of you have been with me through this very bad weekend. possibly one of the worst ever with the confusion and heartache. Thank you. but it had a better end than the start.

i am probably slower to break good news than bad news but God intervened today. actually the intervention started as soon as the occurence but i was too blind to see. today, it was spectacular because a stranger decreed it from the pulpit and reduced any attempt at a strong front to tears as molten love washed over and forgiveness was exchanged.isn't our God wonderful?Thanks for prayers and love.

Not that things are totally resolved and everything is back on track but there is just a lot of healing and peace through it all. and i'm not even surprised because yesterday, i just had this peace that truly surpassed all understanding and even I was surprised. not that it didn't hurt. but the knowing that it's all going to work out for His good and that He is in charge was stronger. and the strength it gave helped me to course through the choppy waters of life.

when God meets me like this, i'm blown away. it feels like my spirit took on wings and ascended so far beyond nothing on this earth can hold me down. the lightness in my spirit elevates what was weighing on my heart. how not to be sold out for a loving God like that?

life is somewhat like a ladder with only ropes for rungs. it's so hard to maintain your balance when you don't even know if the ladder is steady. all it takes is a huge gust of wind or some turbulence to throw us off as we try to ascend.

thankfully, I have Jesus to show me how to walk the ladder. He did it standing straight up and he did it on his knees. all i have to do is emulate even when my flesh is wrestling against it. And in the garden of gesthmane when his mind was begging him to take the path of least resistance, Jesus showed me that balance comes truly from what i'd refer to as 'guts' and not from my head. and then theres the strength that propels me to defy gravity and beyond because He held the ladder.

thank you for holding the ladder for me. give me the guts to keep climbing the challenging ladder you have placed infront of me. and help me remember that no matter how many times i flip and fall over or fall, all of my life is by your design.


be back on the 22nd.

the vain, the hungry and the inspired speaks.

"Planned abandonment doesn't mean walking away from something that is difficult or isn't working anymore. Planned abandonment means choosing between the good and great, between better and best. It means you are able to say no to all that glitters and discern what truly shines. Once you understand the difference, you are on your way to fulfilment"

Laurie Beth Jones, Jesus Life Coach-Learn from the Best

Jesus gave up the mundane (as a carpenter) to follow the path that was Hisalone. Help me to follow the path that is mine alone...

**

me (to colleague/friend): hey!try to read my mind!what am i thinking now?!?
-was about to reward her with some banana cake that she offered to me in the first place if she got the answer right-
colleague/friend-after a bit of thought-: chicken rice!!

and she wasn't wrong. =/

**
Contrast

vanity speaking:

Dear Lord,

fix my hair. zap my zit. flatten my eyebags. help me to unflab. Remember you said i'm bride of Christ and not bride of Frankenstein? no blemish, spot or wrinkle!!!-wailssss-

Incorruptible spirit:

Dear Lord,

more of You for me and more of me for You this day. take my eyes off me so and help me focus on what truly matters-You. Help me to forget my imperfections and behold you, the truly eternal one and the epitome of beauty.

develop in me a beautiful spirit, without blemish,spot or wrinkle as you prepare me as a bride of Christ.

you always win lah

i had a 3-4 day old headache which had me writhing in pain one morning with the pain stretching from the top of my head all the way to my shoulder.

never had it this bad.

then in church, preacher announced that there was a battle going for my mind and hence the headaches.

there. i have the answer, the solution, the healing all at once. how awesome.

but it's only today that i felt i really broke through inspite of the strong fatigue. felt like i came out of some huge battle that i didn't even fight but its just plain exhausting.

praise God. i actually feel like i have ownership of my mind now coz during the headache episodes, i actually felt like i was downloading thoughts and images from two different realms; one extremely dark and one extremely bright and i felt myself vascillating what many would simply term as 'moodswings'. i just felt great despair and then a peace and so on and so forth.

yay.

score board:

Jesus-1, enemy-0

my Jesus beat the devil with two sticks.

laid to rest

the trouble about life is that you only get that one chance to live it.

there's no second try or '' if i were to live all over again, i wouldn't have done this/would have done that." i can't explain the ache away, the ache that comes with regrets and shame.

that's what makes every decision made today so precious because it affects tomorrow and in sometimes, all eternity.

some 11 years ago, i made a decision to give my life to Jesus (my first love)
some 10 years ago, i thought i fell in love for the first time. (it was just a crush and i got over it in a heartbeat. )
some 7 years ago, i thought i really fell in love for the first time. (i got over it. by the sheer grace of God. until i obeyed, i couldn't honestly say He was still my first love then.)
some 4 years ago, i really fell in love this time. (by the sheer grace of God, i'm still in it)
some time in between, i put my eyes on me /him instead of Him
just now, i remembered why He put us together and the burning desire we share for His cause and Him and repented.

i want it right. right being the way He wants it. not the way that seems right. not just merely but entirely, Jesus-glorifying way.

there's no room for correction to alter the past. the past is inked in permanence-for the disobedience, the wrong decisions, the wilfulness. thank God i still have the unwritten future and the blood of Jesus , strength for today and hope for tomorrow.

life grew as i grew. life became bigger than just me, a wider expanse of a borderless horizon. and because of that, the glaring blots of mistakes of yesterday pales in comparison to the endless possibilities of glory of tomorrow.

wowee

a few weeks ago, i was suddenly turned on to 'teen challenge' and started reading up alot about it. including the founder david wilkerson's most famous book 'the cross and the switchblade'.

and the next thing i know, his diciple and the diciple's jewish wife appears at my church with the presence of God to deposit something so precious into us.

God really orchestrates this very well. nowadays, he gets me crazy obsessed about something and lo and behold, its before my eyes. i wonder where all this is leading to...

as we worshipped with the jews the past few days, i was just so overwhelmed with a glimpse of what could possibly be on God's heart. to see His ancient people and His gentile bride worship together under one banner of love is something no one ever thought possible say a few decades back. now we're coming full circle and there's a mighty reconciliation.

i can't wait for more.

to be His hands and feet

"one of the major problems now facing Kenya is the number of orphans that roam the streets of the city. In fact, Andrew ministered in a church on Sunday in another slum and they had over50 little kids in the church. These little chldren crowded around him at the end of the service so that they could touch his hair and feel his skin. Several of them even attempted to lick his hands to see if he was any different from themselves. The little chilren were fascinated with Andrew because up till then, they had never come into contact with a chinese person.

We just felt like God had sowed a seed inside of us to love the unloved and to care for the downtrodden and abandoned. We believe that God is giving us the opportunity to be His hands and His feet to touch the ones that desperately need a touch from HIm and to walk in the places where He wants to manifest His presence in.

In the midst of the comfort and affluence that we see here everyday, may we never forget that there's a world of the poor, the fatherless and those in desperate need of His love to whom the Lord is sending us to"

church bulletin -mission's report for the week.

i'm not there yet. i'm not where i can say "here i am, send me''. die flesh, die. die self-interest die.

taking off

2 days into september. i don't even want to count how far we are into 2007. i still remember ushering in the new year as if it was yesterday. where did time go and how did i end up here?

i don't want to ask what next?learning to take each day at a time and focusing on the goal. i'm learning stamina and perseverance and i think its the hardest lesson to date, besides module trust 1101.

if i look, there's something to celebrate everyday. there's Jesus in between the lines. i don't even have to look externally at times. sometimes i just tune in and there He is.

i feel like my hunger will never be met and i don't dare to ask for more. these days i get so desperate to make contact with God , it becomes a driving force. i can't just merely function and go through the motions anymore. it's my daily dose or a wacko.

i feel like there's a volcano erupting deep within my spirit. just waves of molten love spilling over to all my being. it's frightening especially because then i lose complete control of myself but the assurance that you can trust what's taking control is out of this world.

i better get ready for rain. for this little heart to be right ground for Him to share His heart and His plans. for His whispers.

rain is coming. in a moment's notice, i'll be taking flight.

then, don't watch this space. watch Him and there i'll be.

simply awesome.

Delirious? (Our God Reigns)

lyrics

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.
100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.
Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,

But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees.

meanie

i'm not feeling particularly kind. unlike my usual full of goodness self.(yes, don't worry its a joke)

now... like now, i think there's more beauty in my eyebags and zit under my eye and bloaty face than any so called inner beauty.forget inner beauty. beauty is not even skin deep. it is floating somewhere in outer space.

yes, i'm meanie for the day. it's like the whole world owes me a living and God needs to rapture me now!

POUT

when fear and faith collide

watched ''face the giants'' today. floodgate of tears ensued. not surprisingly of course.

life is really so much more than some one dimensional frivolous short-term goal (my life at least). and i hate it when other voices try to tell me otherwise. to sum it up most cryptically , life is about inhaling and exhaling Jesus. and all that He exhorted. to listen, to obey, to enjoy.

some people think i'm trying to lose touch with them. i don't know how to dispute that. it 's not entirely true (which means there's truth) but i can't share my burdens with you. i can't just work for money. if it's going to be all me that i work for, then i won't be able to last long.

unlike you. money is my servant and i refuse to let it take the lead and be my master. not now, not ever. i can't share anything with you of me lest you trample on it with condescension. you don't understand at all when i die inside watching the homeless man sleep under the bridge. or the old lady collecting cardboxes.

but money is not my enemy. it is my bridge to reach the disenfranchised, the poor. singapore can paint whatever beautiful picture it wants to and brush the lower strata of society under the carpet but i'm not going to walk on that carpet and pretend they're not there.

we're praying. but when its Your agenda above ours, i know You will cause it to come to pass. you know what we want to do. you know why we came in partnership. so use us. we already came so far. bring us all the way

when God is my partner, I have no choice but to dream big. looking in the face of my giants of fear of failure and a broken esteem in the eye knowing that when He is on my side, i've already won.

agreed

"The greatest weapon in the arsenal of democracy is the desire for liberty written into the human heart by our Creator. So long as we remain true to our ideals, we will defeat the extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan. We will help those countries' peoples stand up functioning democracies in the heart of the broader Middle East. And when that hard work is done and the critics of today recede from memory, the cause of freedom will be stronger, a vital region will be brighter, and the American people will be safer.
Thank you, and God bless"

George Bush, Historic Speech to Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention 2007

Thank you Jesus.

today was pretty bad but thank God for friends who can pick me up and send me home and eat piping hot taiwanese porridge in me to soothe it all away.

huge hug for cali.

and huge hug for mummy who decided to buy kenneth cole watch totally out of the blue. sale i think but nonetheless.

and huge hug also for boyfriend who despite long work day still sits up to listen to me rant and is extra loving and kind.

and huge huge hug for Jesus who spoke His sweet comfort into me during painful train ride in horrible peak hour traffic.

i am blessed.

MPC camp

above all, it hit me real hard that it was MARRIAGE preparation and not WEDDING prep.

i kept thinking "aiyar, simple wedding can already". i wazznt expecting a huge fanfare so i was actually quite resentful of spending 3 days in pasir ris just to find out about the 'how to's.

but the camp was really so insightful and good and at the end of it all, despite having just come out of a very bad week only to transit into a very busy week ahead, i am actually very thankful and wish i had known all that earlier. I wish i'd learnt the things taught earlier and my eyes are just so opened now. to hidden issues, relationship dynamics and the place God takes etc.

i thought i knew it all. what else could be new? buti was planning for a lifetime and a covenant ahead. so there's never too little to learn. since i've yet to put much learnt into practice.

its really so major. a covenant that cannot be broken lest we crucify Christ all over again. most of all, even as it tests my commitment to him, i find myself questioning my commitment to Him since i find myself nearly copping out on so many times when i find my circumstances reigning over the truth of His love in my life.

if i don't have the full confidence in me to say i'll never deny Him,(ie say if you put me in a room full of cockroaches and persecute me for my faith) , what's to say i won't deny us when the going gets really tough?

it's a lot of hard work. no, there's an understatement. it's a lot of grit, hardwork, determination and all the love that Jesus is.

i have no confidence in me or in him. but at the end of the day, it's Jesus that makes us so that'll be where i'm fixing my eyes.

off to NZ in a day. will try to write.

bleah

this week hasn't been good. tomorrow i have to return to work coz we simply can't finish. and its national day. and i'm sleep deprived. and i'm still wondering how in the world things are going to work out. my emotions didn't even have time to do their usual roller coaster sequence when things are going topsy turvy. have been rather calm (comparatively) but not so strong. many times i want to crawl into a hole and cry in despair but i don't have time.

so there.

i called 999 for the first time. and 3 times in a day for that matter.
for the record, they took 20 minutes to arrive and i had to depend on my very brave friend ms pang to apprehend the creep.
i screamed at someone in public.
i screamed at the police officer for being stupid.
i realized who i could count on and depend on and was very sad to find you not on the list.
i saw that the people who were there were the ones who never failed to for like the past ten years.
i realize that people really don't understand me.
i realize how desperate i am in need of a miracle.
i wish i have 40 hours in a day and i am actually superwoman so i can do everything by myself and not get affected by people
i never wished for money so much and this is merely because i want to cab like every single time and never take the bus again. and i used to enjoy double decker rides.and i suddenly really wanto access email on the go. and i never ever wish these things!
i have developed an appetite for eggs and bittergourd and brown rice big time. (thanks shuxin)
i signed up for facebook (ok actually cali did it for me so i'm profileless)
i just want to hide on an island named heaven and play masak masak and watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
i have semi evolved into a misanthrope.
i suddenly wanto start sailing again (for the uninformed, i am a certified sailor. i can actually go out to sea alone) but i don't know when no one allows me to drive alone. always loved the sea but always hated the sun.

FOP report

FOP this year was like awesome.

Delirious? and Don Moen totally sent me catapulting to heaven. i really don't wanto be back but since its better for (you) that i be around, alright, i'll stay.

i love been so enraptured by His presence and enveloped by deep deep worship. I love it. I love Jesus and its so beautifully mutual i think this is the best match ever in heaven.

i love it so so so much. Bless Rev Dr Canon James Wong for spearheading FOP 21 years ago. I've been attending since like JC 7 years ago and every year it gets better. It is worth the crowd, the queues, the stinkoness and everything lah.

i wish i have pictures but need cali to upload even though her camera is erm with me.

and after FOP i did the most unspiritual thing. while the rest were out there buying books and cds, i bought moisturizer.

some of you may remember years ago that Jesus appeared to me in a dream and asked me what i wanted ...and i said "lancome hydrazen"

the very next day, it was presented to me. i nearly kicked myself. IMAGINE IF I ASKED FOR WISDOM!?!?the world would have been a better place.

what's with me and moisturizer?!its protecting my skin but threatening my destiny


I'm standing here waiting for my life to change
when the waters stir You can rearrange me
Just one touch is all i need
I've nothing much but the wounds i feel
I'm looking for the hand of the miracle man

Delirious?- Standing at the feet of the miracle maker

**
-delirious singing "here I am, send me"

me and isaac heard : "give me a ham sandwich!"

"On this day"-Isaac Quek

The gift of your heart,

The gift of your life,

God's unfolding dream for you,

Blazes brighter with every turn

The growing of

Hope, of Joy, of Healing and a good blessing

Growing into the woman you've become

Rising into the woman you've yet to be

On this day God sent down a blessing

To rest in my heart

He sent true friend, irreplaceable, precious in you

On this day the angels celebrate the blessing that is you

and we join with full hearts

in Jesus' celebration too

all that you've been

all that you've seen

these 24 quick measures of time

cannot compare with the glory

that in your destiny shines

He smiles, waiting

your heart ever patiently dscovering

His God-divine surprise

His delight of heart with which He made

How He rejoiced over

When His mind had planned,

and thoughts designed

and hands fashioned you.

No eye has seen, no heart has learnt

the glory which in chambers of light

within His heart abides

But you will learn and you will know

today-a part of the joy with which

His eternal heart rejoiced

When He fathered you this day,

in eternity 24 years ago.

empty well

not the best weekend of my life.

i haven't even been spending my regular time with my Father. so many things i want to say to Him. and it's not just work that's keeping us apart. its the problem that i refuse to let go and give to Him.

i'm cracked and dry.

i've been caught up in the whirlwind of things and have neglected the One. last night, as i dwelt at His feet in His presence, i literally felt slain in the spirit and lay on my bed unable to move or speak with the presence of Him so strong upon me.

i need more of Him in my life. but i don't know how to give more of me. i'm still so selfish and self-seeking instead of God seeking. i'm still caught up with the cares of this life and the pursuit of my dreams that were birthed by Him in the first place for His glory. now, suddenly it seems to be my only agenda and i know i need to be gently prodded back into His arms.

i'm so lovesick.

with all my excuses, i'm still 24 strong

i'm still trying to pretend its really not so soon. that its just the beginning of july and i really have still 3 more weeks. its so surreal--this almost mid 20s thing.i'm not ready for this at all. age is just meaningless. the number of years i spent alive breathing says nothing about what i really am. at times i feel like a little girl and sometimes i feel i've lived centuries. it doesn't say anything about my abilities, my lessons, who i really am.

but nonetheless i choose to be thankful. i am tempted to dismiss this day and hide under the bed because i hate confronting the fact that ive been around for so long (i dunno why). i choose to commemorate His faithfulness above all else and celebrate the journey (the travelled and the yet-to-be).

He created me.found me. saved me. loved me.

all.the.way
every.single.breath

and for that, i'll celebrate my life. all that i am and all that i've been made to be. (sometimes the only reason i think i'll love me is because He first loved me. I can't even stand my own tantrums at times). when i'm living for Him, life is worth living inspite of the pain that accompanies. when i remember the destiny that is unravelling in my life, i know its all worth it.

everyday is a chance for adventure. for goodness. for light to shine. for Jesus to be real in me and through me. and for that to happen, everyday i die. so He lives.


**

Twenty Four-Switchfoot.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and trueI'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies In twenty four parts
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

wrong diagnosis.

if money truly takes on the character of its master, i'll let You be my treasurer over every cent. there issn't much now but use it. I know somehow my needs will still all be provided.

**
so i've been telling my concerned friends that its probably another bout of stomach flu. well, the doctor's confirmed diagnosis however turns out slightly different.

it's a nose,throat and ear infection.

yes, i know. i can never be a doctor.

but i got nausea ok. very bad nausea and giddiness.i thought if it can't be pregnancy must be stomach flu lah! somehow i totally discounted the runny nose and all.
and yesterday i was self medicating on gastric medicine etc.

=\
**
aching ....

over the 45 bux that i spent on medication.

move out of the cosy

just realised that i don't really want a skiing holiday after all. i want to run away with Him. Holy day perhaps. not to escape the life that chokes me up but to recharge and return with strength.

Hence,

times square church, NYC-Jan 08

David Wilkerson inspires me. I'll ski in heaven or whenever, later.

challenge of the day: follow my train of thoughts.

isaac says life is a marathon and i shdn't be so impatient. i agree. sometimes i lose sight of the destination and because of that, i feel like i'm merely existing. i'm not living for Him, for myself or for anyone or for anything. i just breathe enough to last 24 hours and when i reach the 25th, i've made it through another day.

i don't like that. i don't wanto merely exist, or even live just for myself. its not supposed to be like this. life is grander than that. and i find people for who merely exist for the base and shallow so deplorable.there, i said it. its a judgment call..on the act and attitude, not on the person. i just don't want to be ever be like that.

the fire has abated somewhat and i'm restless. i'm wondering what's happening. i live for thrills, the fun and the exciting and suddenly i'm confronted with nothingness alone. i know that i'm on the way to somewhere but the in-between is the place of least excitement.

and of coz that leads to the question, "when i reach there, then what?"

i don't want to hide my personality and be someone else. i'm not someone else. i'm a girl at heart and i have a whole host of idiosyncrosies. my imperfections are perfectly showcased especially on a bad day or when i'm PMSing, or when i don't leave much room for God. while i'll very much like them to go away and let God do a deep work in me, its taking a while, it doesn't warrant comparison and judgment.

i'd like to think that somewhere, even outside this universe, i'm celebrated. me, as a package. not me without faults. perfectly accepted. (don't we all?)but somewhere while writing through the codes of human rights, a perfectionist left that out. a world that doesn't know perfect love makes no provision for imperfection.

today, i had a glimpse of chastisement with love. God made me see some real wrong in me that i refused to see thanks to the self-righteous streak in me. and that dawned on me, it was like "ah!" and i could see Him gently leading me and making my paths straight again. i felt so loved. ever know how that feels?

i don't like birthdays. my own. i don't know when it started. it's not just about the getting old part. i stopped celebrating the day that commemorated my entrance into this world. the mark of my journey. i feel intrinsically tied to that day and i want it so badly to be perfect. but very often, it has not. i try so hard to drown it out with the mundane so i won't think about me. so i won't feel insignificant. i wonder how the party they threw in heaven was like the day i was born again.

if you pluck any random girl out from the street, i'll probably pale in comparison, in almost any aspect. (Except maybe my appetite)yes, i've been nothing and i'm still nothing and i'd just like to think that somewhere, someone celebrates my nothingness.

and even when i reach the point of something, i pray it'll never overwhelm me that i'll forget Him who truly is everything. all in all. through it all.

i like to dwell upon self-worth. everytime i ponder till the point of despair that i'm such a nothing, God always interrupts my chain of thoughts to remind me what He paid for me.

and i smile and weep and rejoice for I AM equivalent to the intrinsic value of the darling of Heaven.

i say, love a 'nothing' today.

4th duckobell.

we crossed our 4th ocean today. by the sure mercies and faithfulness of our Lord Jesus Christ.
and praise God, there were fireworks to decorate our special day too. today i can say i love him more more than 4 years ago. today i can say, that i'm even more sure than i ever was. today i can say that i've tasted His goodness in our lives and it is good.

Honey in the rock.Tough on the outside, but molten sweetness on the inside.

and tomorrow i'll say the same.

singled

these two weeks have felt extremely long. sometimes, even lonely.

i have to be mindful that above all else, He is my partner, my co-labourer, my constant companion. when He arrests my attention and everything around dims until the only light i see is Him, that's the most wonderful feeling in the way and i'm at the highest, unsurpassed peak in this world.

unfortunately, i do not always realise that. sometimes, the daily grind of things causes me to lose focus and open the door for weariness to set in. then, instead of running to the prince for refreshing, i just languish in that state , refusing to go beyond that.

sometimes, i just need a friend to understand. that its not just about the money, the promises it brings to us. sometimes, we labour for a bigger picture. i don't wanto sound like i'm some noble but i'm just so sick of people clamouring only after these things. things have never kept me happy, not for long anyway and they're not owning my heart and life anytime soon.

sometimes, i just want someone to chase God with me. i don't need another shopping companion after a tired day at work, a tired week. i need a friend to hear me out, share our highs and lows and know i have family in this kingdom and a comrade with a common cause.

everyone just wants to hear the blessedness but there were so few to share the struggles.

i really miss my friends so much.

to you, you and you...lets make time soon.

to you, welcome back..i've missed you. =)

to You, i'm sorry for the things i've made it, when it's really all about You.

i like to quote

Theodore Roosevelt:

"the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again ; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end of triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

the call to sacrifice

the call to sacrifice-Neil T Anderson and Rich Miller

" It seems to be the great ambition of manking to be happy as animals instead of being blessed as children of God. The cross calls us to sacrifice the pleasure of things to gain the pleasures of life. If you shoot for this world, you will miss the next.But if you shoot for the next world, god will provide the good things of this world as well as make provision for the next. Paul puts it this way , " Dicipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily dicipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trusworthy statement deserving full acceptance." ( 1 Timonthy 4: 7-9)

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose"-Jim Elliot, matyred missionary.

returning

sometimes if i'm not careful, i make an idol out of certain things and it takes my focus away from the only one that matters.

until i'm gently nudged to go back to my first love and allow it to take precedence in my life again.

**
put on quite a bit of weight and i feel clumsy. some might like to dispute that i was clumsy when i was skinny but thats not the point. last week i walked into a wooden plank, walked into a man riding a bike and caused him to nearly fall off the bike amongst other things.

i feel like i take up more space than before and thus, things and pple shd make way for me.

i was quite upset abt the increase in weight until i remember my doctor telling me that my bmi prior to my putting on weight was like 17 and that increases risk for osteoporosis.
i was also upset that alot of that weight seems to show up alot on my face.

certain pple are so going to make fun of my cheeks.

sigh.byebye self esteem

who are we really rejecting?

"they don't see you as i do"

i like that God sees me covered by the blood and accepts me in all my humanity. he sees hope in my future despite the little that i am. i don't wanto ever grow independent of him. i like it that He walks through the valleys AND mountaintops and my weaknesses are not repulsive to Him. His love is not cancelled out by anything i do and at my lowest, i can always expect His love to be even sweeter and stronger.

one of my main struggles in life is refusing to fear and take into consideration man's opinion and making the concious choice to put God's opinion over all else. even though He is unseen and they are seen ( to the naked eye).

its so easy to subject myself to the scrutiny of man and allow my esteem to fluctuate according to their moods. not that God sees me as perfected but the acceptance He has for me by virtue of Jesus' qualification and justification is something no man can ever give me and i cherish that more than anything else in the world.

man might read one page in my life and dismiss me but God knows the story, from beginning to the end. and He is determined to walk me through more than i want Him to.

i'm determined to do the same and even though sometimes i fail and find myself swallowed in pride as i despise certain others, nothing pains me more than when even the church despises its own. its nothing out of the ordinary shd we suffer persecution from the world but when the world offers more acceptance than the church, something is seriously wrong.

sarah allis yang shared today about her experience of walking freely and finding acceptance to God, imperfect as she is. i love her spirit and she is one of the christian leaders of today that i truly respect. she doesn't preach a message. her life is the message. her and her whole team at the ark will put any religiousity to shame and i'm so glad our paths crossed. i like the fact that she doesn't bother to hide her imperfections by donning religious robes /dresscodes and comes truly as she is, with her imperfections and flaws. i love her team so much i have to fight impulses to swim over to the states to join them.

i long for this kind of fellowship and brotherly love and i can see how pleased the Father is when His children are like that and having been in the church scene in singapore for well over 10 years, sadly, i have never came close to what they have.

if there weas a prototype for all of us to conform into, then we're missing it. the church of Jesus Christ is meant to be a diverse church because Christ came for the world. the church should have room for all sorts, and not the perfected. the perfect belong to their own narrow minds and should make room for those Jesus died for, the true inheritors of the earth. the sinners, the sick, the outcasts, me.

i wish someone would remember the pit they were hewn from and know that if all they're looking for is top grade (measured by the world's standards , ironically), they cannot expect a revival. coz top grade pple don't think they need Jesus and are few and far between.

make room and shoo!

**
a black man was cast out of a white church some 100 years ago. he lay outside crying at the door, disheartened and dejected. suddenly, Jesus appeared to him. Sobbing, he cried out "Lord, they won't let me in".

Jesus lovingly replied "Son, they won't let me in too"

**

Anchoring.

i found myself in semi panic mode today. after i took caffeine. i know i shdn't have but i did. my blood pressure has always been pretty low and caffeine worsens the condition. soon i found myself spinning, pouring cold sweat and my heart racing. this was followed by waves of nausea.

i hope to learn my lesson. no more caffeine. ever.

also, i was also stressed with financial forecasting. Lack of experience and an unhealthy fear of numbers thanks to failing a maths for 2 years straight didn't help.

so i just panicked and panicked...and all this time my head was spinning and i was pukish.

didn't help until i threw everything aside to just cry out to Him. and being faithful to His child, peace managed to tranquilize my soul and arrest my heart.

phew.

**

found a pretty cool list that pretty much sums up alot of deception we face in the modern world, so i thought i'll share it:

Deception

1) believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness (ref: Matt 13.22, 1 Tim 6.10)

2)believing that consuming food and alcohol excessively will make me happy (Prov 20.1, 23.19-21)

3)believing that a great body and personality will get me what i want. (Prov 31.10, 1 oeter 3.3-4)

4)believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction ( Ephesians 4.22, 1 Peter 2.11)

5)believing that i can sin and get away with it and not have it affect my heart (Hebrews 3.12,13)

6)believing that i need more than what God has given me in Christ ( 2 Cor 11.2-4,3-15)

7)believing that i can do whatever i want and no one can touch me (prov 16.18, obadiah 3, 1 peter 5.5)

8) believing that unrighteous people who refuse to accept Christ go to heaven anyway ( 1 Cor 6.9-11)

9)believing that i can hand around bad company and not become corrupted ( 1 Cor 15.33,34)

10) believing that there are no consequences on earth for my sin ( Gal 6.7-8)

11) believing that i must gain the approval of certain people in order to be happy ( Gal 1.10)

12) believing that i must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good abt myself (Gal 3.2,3;5.1)


recognize anything? let the truth set you free!

announcement

i'm very pleased to announce that supper is a legitimate meal. because Jesus ate supper. HALLEHLUJAH!

the last supper remember??

why wait?

one day every tongue will confess You are God, one day every knee will bow
but the greatest treasure remains for those
who gladly choose You now

thought of the day

let my valleys be full of Your joy and peace, as i behold your majesty. let man not see me when i'm on the mountain tops but see the banner declaring your son, lifted even higher that they may know that You are sovereign in my life.

undone

"woe is me , for I am undone!
because I am a man of unclean lips
and i dwell in the midst of a people with unclean lips
for my eyes have seen the King
The Lord of Hosts"

Isaiah 6.5

Church camp 2007 report.

back. and so changed. this time, it's different. its no longer just an experience, a spectacular demonstration of power and majesty. this time, i'm convicted

i'm almost speechless so be patient while i struggle to string my thoughts. i repent of every disdainful thought i had towards this trip. God blew my mind, wrestled for my mind and won my mind (and heart). its not just everything made right. i dont wanto boast abt anything and make myself sound like the greater saint but somehow this time round, i felt almost sold out.for Him.that nothing else matters.

my own agendas appeared to have laid to rest. i don't know but i don't think i have the strength to resurrect them again. i used to be afraid, that He'll give me an assignment i don't like but now, i'm seeing the fruits of obedience and the grace that comes to equip me when i deny my mind and say '' yes''.

the deep desire of my heart is nothing more than His pleasure and making Him happy. i feel like i can't live at all if its not the best He wants. i'm a love sick bride of Christ. just excuse me.

prophecies galore but that's not even the highlight. so many confimations. they just serve as accessories to the main thing. was so engulfed with molten love i was incapacitated and speechless. tears flowed freely but the joy deep within was incomprehensible. i was not satisfied...i thought i'd be but i found myself wanting more.

all the struggles have ceased by now as i die. as the waters went into the dead sea and emerged from the other side as fresh living waters, watch while i die. don't hold on. i've been crucified with my Lord and i want so badly to live as He'd want me to . i almost think some of you will think like you lost a friend. because i'll be unfamiliar..but i take heart that some of you will gain a better friend. dying to myself so that Christ can come alive in me. to take territories for God, i must first surrender my own.

it's all so precious to me i'm afraid that if i share with the spirit of unbelief, the value of it all will be diminished. so pardon me if i don't put it here.

still discovering more as i incline myself to His voice. i saw the mantle. i wanto finish the race well.

now i feel truly victorious. its the marrying of the shulamite and the nazarite in me. no longer just lovesick in worship but i love enough to fight back and take back, for His cause. the nazarites fight..hard.love hard.

suddenly i'm not aware of my limitations and inadequacies that scream '' im just me, what can i do?" but i just wanto do it because i hate the things he hate and love the things he love.

strange ..if you knew me.

"just give me 12 men who fear nothing but God and hate nothing but sin".

testament of my creativity

this is totally random. and it came to me at 1.23 am. i'm cracking up making fun of my name.

some time ago, dear shuxin suggested we call our new business 'xin corp'.

tonight this came to me, i cld easily change my name to ling er ring (lingering) or ling er rie (lingerie).

my surname is just so funky.

pam, its such a pity you became a ting. we were almost family. i know no one else who can lay claim to the strange dialect grp.

don't remind me i'm turning quek.

no...wait, its quek-ling.

unexpected.

there is a third world country in our midst and so often, i go through the day caught up in my own problems which i thought are bigger than God i turn a blind eye to the needs of others, which i can so easily meet.

i cannot on my own profess to have a heart made of gold. sometimes i think i've got a rather stony heart but i really thought i felt a stab of pain when He illuminated my eyes to share the plight of others.

last sunday in church, i was singing with my heart to really know His heart and the words that resounded so strongly were "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and this very week, that prayer materialized. it was more than I asked for and called for a sacrifice.

i still don't know if i have it in me to obey but i'm praying for the grace to obey. break me if it has to be done but the flesh is really rebelling against it.

now i'm in a position to give, more than a convenient prayer but really give till it hurts. but somehow, even though i know its going to wound my flesh, i'm inclined to that idea. let my spirit win this battle please.

i don't want to weigh the consequences or the options but if what i've 'earned' can be accrued to someone else, i just pray now that that recipient can see what Jesus earned for her.

oh, please pray for me. to have the heart to obey now that i've heard. its already so blessed to hear. maybe this will break my tendency to self-pity and whine when the going gets tough. it really takes the spotlight off me and i really truly get to go about my Father's business.

until i forget me, i never really remember Him.

love isaac. i shrek.

got beautiful shrek ears today from macs, courtesy of isaac! it makes me love isaac more. not that i can be bribed...easily.

i guess i'm the kind of girl that if my bf bought me an expensive gift, i'll be like "AIYO WHY WASTE MONEY!?!?" coz im such a scrooge myself.but somehow if its an expensive MEAL, its ok.

dunno why but shrek made my day.i adore shrek and princess fiona. they're above all the fairy tale characters. they have a way of subverting culture and make us look up to ugly things instead of the usual pretty princesses and 'prince charmings'.

**
my mum went on one of her kl trips today. shez the only one i know who can make it to kl and back in the same day , courtesy of SIA. and because she is not staying overnight, she pretty much boards the plane with a handbag. i followed her once in recent years..and it pretty much was check in, board the plane, sit down, buckle, drink something, get down.

then i remember doing what we had to do, ate lunch, walked around, ate, hailed a cab and hailed a plane.

and my mum being the strange insists on sia coz another competitor airline's air is not clean and gives her a headache. i used to scoff at that until the aircon broke down on a flight back from australia last year and i fainted on board, waking up to an oxygen mask over my head and pple fanning me with all their might AND my legs propped up at 45 degrees to get the blood flowing..

and all this while, sia has not failed me once... i've lost count with delayed flights, bad food, bad service, dirty toilets, broken down inflight entertainment and AIRCONDITIONING on q***** .

as the dear pants

Free by Corrine May
it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase

all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe

i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving

break these chains

Elijah felt alone too just because the numbers against God were alot less than those there were for. i feel alone for less noble reasons. discouragement weighs heavy and i don't know why..this haunting weight of inadequacy and that my crazy emotions are privy to me and me only.

i determined to be different from the start but not so different i have to feel so alone. although i did think to myself that even if ever the day comes whereby choosing right means being completely alone, i will. But i didn't expect the test to come in such a way that although choices have been made and things appear to be on the upward swing, the feeling of loneliness is just plain overwhelming.

what i cannot bear is not knowing. because i already have trust issues i need to hear His voice everyday. not that i don't know he is watching but because i just like the comfort of his presence. but these days, i'm back to the days whereby chaos permeated my heart and i can't hear the gentle whisper.there is only one voice i seek and i delve into semi panic mode, aggravating it all.

through it all, there can only be one who can lift me up. but before that, i have to lift my eyes to see Him in the midst of this inner storm. there is a hurricane within me and its throwing everything off balance. the only thing way to see in the darkness is through the eyes of my heart. illumine me..