there is so much more

this might be a cliche but everything happens for a reason. a greater one that the preceding event.

there has to be a reason for my business. i'm not referring to the cause but what the purpose it is meant to fulfil.
there is a reason for us being blessed. and it annoys me to no end when they can't see it. really, the world does not just revolve around us.

there are other people in a predicament more needful than ours. our time of abundance will come, when unbelief breaks away and there is no restraint. or when our hearts are truly circumcised such that the blessing will not eat away at our soul and cause us to bank on our treasures here on earth.

these lesser things keep our eyes from eternity and the greater purpose and it fools us to build our treasures here on this miserable earth that yields no true promise. isn't this the foolishness we so despise?

then what are you doing?

the money can serve more masters than you.
you don't twist God's arm to get what you want.
really, money stinks in the hands of the wicked.

it's so scary that we allow self to envelop our entire conciousness and there's nothing beyond our purpose in life than to seek the fleshly fulfilments of it when He has promised so much more.

the army is in slumber, not ready for war. not ready to relinquish their rights, not ready to take up the fight, busy fulfillling the lusts of the flesh. we cannot wear the armour and embrace the world. we cannot walk the ways of Babylon while trying to ascend Zion.

the bride is unprepared, not ready for her wedding day. she is languishing in pride, stupour and unbelief that the time is near.

the bridegroom is long suffering.

the commander of the army calls out but gets only a weak response.

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

I've been surrounded by a cloud of untruthfulness lately from people. It is extremely awkward when you bust their lie/hypocrisy and you know it's nothing but a cloud of smoke but have to watch them go on anyway in their little performance that no one enjoys.

**

It's painful when you know there was even a tinge of betrayal. And I say 'betrayal' only because I don't really have the right words. You could afford to be more honest, especially to me. But you didn't exactly steal anything, you just merely turned your back and hoped I didn't realize. And I wish I didn't find out.

Now I don't know how to face you and watch you keep up with your act, your disguise. It's too difficult to commute along the dark alleys of dishonesty to reach your heart and I'm not sure if I am ready to make that journey.

I am not that hurt. Slightly disappointed that you chose this.

But ah well, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I guess I chose to look the other way as well until it came to slap me in the face.

Go on and hide. I won't look (back).

**
Then there's you who has the dagger hidden in your sleeve, like a panther ready to pounce. It's so hard to decipher between the lines of your smiles and enthusiastic speech, like you really mean well.

Your over-zealous grin fades into nothing the moment I turn my back. Your every breath spells deceit to me and you remind me of a sleuthy panther, ready to pounce on a prey in the dark. You are always in ambush, never out in the open. You hunt with skill in the dark, I choose to be in the light and it frustrates you.

I'm just as frustrated at this game you play. It's a dog-eat-dog world we live in but I refuse to be your fellow bitch. It shouldn't be this way, especiallly for you. I hope you snap out of this pretense and fight because you're really dancing with the devil. I have been averted from your ploys too many times by the sheer mercy of the One who watches my back. What you are doing is dark but not hidden from His eyes. Wake up, seek mercy and move on. Your way will lead you to the pits.

updatingforthesakeofupdating.zzz

i dreamt last night that someone said to me 'update your blog!'.

but only such a select few read it (and i'm not even entirely sure if they still do) but well i'll obey the voice and update anyway. because my children will read it, one day.

coming back from church camp is surreal. God has been moving, speaking, working. such a busy God i say. so i'm back with fresh insights , fresh faith and some extra weight in body, soul and spirit. i could do with more though but i know i ned to feed daily on Him and keep the walk, instead of looking for 'highs' that the camps bring.

we've been warring so hard for so many things that has beset us we relished the much-needed break. i feel empowered even though i'm currently very sleep deprived. there's so much that happened that needs to be properly documented, retold to friends i love, lest i forget. i think isaac and i also had a fresh new lease of life and he said i came back different. i hope he is not referring to the extra weight only tho. i say, he is quite very different too and i like the new him.

i'm sorry this post sounds so boring even tho it really is quitevery exciting. i am just too sleepy.

its lunch time, monday. go figure. i will findmy words another day to convey the happening happenings.

zzz.

what i do when i have a problem and refuse to deal with it

• go shopping
• dream about the places i want to visit. italy, US, china and erm, norway.
• stare at the huge rock i want to have on my finger that is pink.
• lust after every imaginable kind of shoe/clothes etc. yet not have the mood to buy them, cept the shoes.
• watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s (i'm out of detective dramas)
• cry a little
• lose appetite
• sleep a lot.
• work anyways. (the diciplinarian in me)

too late.

had a meeting with some business associates today and we candidly talked about my dialect group and how rare it is.

them: so can you speak it? say something! (i felt like an alien ..again)
me: ok. -rattles off something-
them: so what's that?
me: big thumb, index finger etc.
them: you really should have learnt a more useful phrase like 'how are you?"

good point.

when i do find fellow hockchias, i literally scream 'big thumb, index finger' to let them know i'm a fellow kinsman.

best days.

i was uglier, skinnier, gawkier, nerdier and gigglier.
but i was also happier.
life was simpler.
can you really blame me for getting abit stuck on the 'best days of my life'?
i'm not stuck in the past. believe me, i'm really in the present.
that's why i've stopped laughing.

'Best days', its been awhile since we met. last week, i briefly caught you but you slipped right out of my fingers like sand.

i'm not sad now. i'm just temporarily melancholic. it'll pass.

the telegram you sent me left a rancid taste in my being. i've never tasted the sweetness you once gave, again. when i saw you, i thought, 'ah, that's it all over again' but this time it left a very strange after taste. like hard liquor.

we danced on cloud 9 everyday. i was so happy at the now defunct lips cafe. lido, cineleisure, taka square, we personalized those places. they belonged to us.

those were the days my hip bones protruded at the side and people marvel that they can count my ribs. my hide has since gotten thicker since you left. my hair's gotten way longer. i even pierced my years.

i met 'grow up'.

'grow up' made me meet 'get tough'. then i was further introduced to 'get tougher'. it didn't happen overnight. my tears were left undried. my wounds were left unmended. there are calluses on my heart and i have so many unanswered questions. my once incessant laughter abated. instead of laugh lines, i now have fine lines under my eyes.

i didn't think we were foolish. it was innocence that prevailed. we encountered grief and misery, angst and melancholy but there was always love and strength to see us through. we saw each other everyday and that alone was mighty consolaton.

so when i thought i saw you that day, my heart skipped a beat with excitement. you turned briefly with your back still facing me. i wanted to call out to you but you kept walking away. and you told me with tears in your eyes, as if you knew everything that transpired within the last 10 years, that we'll meet again, in the future.

likewise, i'll turn my back and walk the other way, towards future. so i'll find you there again.

see you soon.

"...forgetting those things that are behind and reaching forwaqrd to those thngs which are ahead."
Phil 3.13
Apostle Paul