broken

i like to be read. not in the sense that you read my blog and i feel like endorphins are coursing through my veins.

i like it when my sentences can be finished, my reactions can be anticipated etc. i like it that someone knows me so well , it makes me feel less lone in this world.

**
things have changed.
previously when i get a new diary organizer, i first mark down all the birthdays i possibly remember. now, ijust mark down deadlines and various other schedules.

this year, the diary is filling up faster than i expected. everything at once.

**
i don't like to come undone in public and i thought i was holding up quite well. until your searing hands cradled my head. then my tears gushed own my face like a dam breaking. the release of emotions was liberating. but i don't know what i'm crying for. except that maybe You know my struggles. You know it all and that itself was very comforting alone already.

i suck at trying to be strong. and any front to be superwoman is a terrible disguise. i can do a lot less than i think i can and i am a lot less infact that all you all think i am. i don't cope well knowing i'm far away and connected only by a phone line, even though thankfully, i've been in the same timezone.

i don't cope well when i can't figure out how and when in life, work etc. i don't. and in those moments, i need your invisible but tangible presence to just help me take stock of things and hold me. to tell me that i'm not in charge, but You. to tell me that You are here when family and familiarity is miles away.

i'm still trapped within my youth and grandiose but unrealistic dreams to maximize my 20s but thinking that if i run at the speed of a bullet train and try as much as i can, i can sleep at night, and on my last day on earth with no regrets. but i still can't. i've gathered so much on my plate in the buffet of life and now i don't know what to do. at all. i'm vulnerable against the attacks of 'what ifs' and daunting thoughts that i might actuallybe the one to ruin it all.

you know thisis my crisis of confusion and i need you to help me sieve out the chaff and set my path straight again. all i want to do is hole up in bed and yet sleep is elusive and disturbed.

something happened to me somewhere along the way. i can't find me and i need you to help.

i like the now so much. thank you

these unfamiliar plains
these clouds thunder and rain
how did i arrive
They say I've been here before
Well, the landscape must have changed

Nothing is familiar
Nothing is clear
Nothing struck a chord
Nothing
they called it amnesia

I don't see my footprints
as i walked on the grey sand
But I see plenty others
From size five to size nine
many have been here
but where were mine

i wonder where they have gone
i wonder who they are

Then I saw a little hill in the horizon
And I inched forward in curiosity
Stumbling I fell face forward
face to face with a cold stone
a reminder
that it was here i was left alone

there, my epitaph coldly proclaimed
'The girl I saw today: 2000-2003'
spelling my brief existence
only the years and not the months
Because I had several resurrections
before you laid me to eternal rest
leaving me to seek my best

i scanned the rest of the grey
and there were no other tombs
where did the others go
perhaps over that cliff
and dived into the snow

i wonder how long i laid in that shallow grave
before the stone rolled away
sheer trauma and fear
that tried and tested my faith

I woke up from that dream
With a heartache so salient
My chest tightened , persperation dotted my brow
Until Your peace swept me to the present

I was on another plain
A large vast expanse
this is home
the running brooks of water so divine
that quenched a thirst so deep
every thing, was alive and mine
life was bursting out of my every breath
unlike the other, there was no sign of death

I'm so glad to be home
And I'll never leave
I was clothed with love
housed with peace and joy
I transcended from death to life
There were my favorite fruit trees and a happy golden retriever
Among a few of my favorite things
Then I saw the favorite persons
My covenant partner
my darling laughter
my heart corded to his with love
And beside him, my Savior and Master
the author of the impossible


Phew

miserable

am miserable. both physically and emotionally.

am down with a cold and the medicine i ingest seem to be pure poison making me woozy and barely providing enough relief for the persistent symptoms that compound my discomfort in my soul.

am miserable emotionally because i feel lost.

i just want to go so far away so i don't have to think about the 'to do ' list that i've penned out. i just want my mind to come to a complete stand still for a good hour. and my heart to stop its ridiculous palpitations, like an alarm ready to go off.

it's not excitement but dread. and i don't know how to step out of this rut.i need a fresh breath and somethingnew to smile about. i don't like what it has become.

a mid level leap into the air
left me on my bum in the valley of where
my bearings are incomposite
this doesn't look like my destination
what happened

i looked around the bare
and i saw you in the darkness
the light beckoning me
i stepped into the elevator called 'waiting'
and pushed the button called 'patience'
this must be it!
i beamed excitedly waiting
for the doors to open
to a brand new beginning

minutes passed, and then hours
the door did not open
i stomped about the 1 metre square
i felt abandoned,
''you didn't care''

the minutes ticked by
the pressure made me sick
i had to swallow for my ears to pop
but still all was silent

and then suddenly the doors flew open
like the gates of heaven
my eyes blinked at the light
piercing my vision and illuminating my darkness
and there you were
with a table and spread
saying, the wait is over.

i wish i didn't sit by grumbling
i wish i didn't stomp around the 1 metre square
i wish i made it my prayer closet
patiently abiding
trusting

but the moment would not return
the elevator defies gravity
and wouldn't head down to where
now that i'm there

fragments

i've left you my blog to collect dust as i hurry through life shuttling around, climbing up the slopes of mid levels and scouring cheung sha wan for no 777, a building at the end of the road, a very long road, a foregone conclusion that should have arrived much earlier so that we could rest our tired bodies, minds and souls.
**
I don't want to drive people to green envy with the opulence of the chandeliers and the visual spectacle of the assembly of accessories.I want to drive people to jesus as they witness the goodness and works of God in our lives.Above all, he must not just be the planner but be the guest. The vip guest.Up to this point, I often find myself dumbfounded as to what I want for my wedding. Ie, what dress, what jewellery, what theme etc.I had no clue. Until now.

But what I truly want is intangible, felt and not seen. Experienced. I don't just want my guests walking away enjoying themselves. If the core of their being is touched by the greatest love in the world, if they walk away witha deposit of my lovely lord jesus christ, I've had my perfect wedding.

There have been so many offers to help with the sourcing of various wedding stuff. I truly appreciate that but what I seriously covet is your prayers that isaac and I will have grace for a lifetime together, walking thru the mountains and valleys together with His peace and joy. That there will be forbearance and grace for each othes shortcomings and love to build each other up and a warm home of comfort to come home to every night as we sojourn thru a world that is not our home.

yay. no more air kisses over the phone at 11pm. real ones from 7pm onwards!everyday!
**
i want to relinquish ownership to you all over again, now that i don't have the slightest clue where all is heading. maybe i do have a clue but its not clear enough and the signal is weak. i want you to own fully so that i know i'm in good hands. i turn and surrender those areas of my heart to you so you can inhabit them. here is your latest new home to add to your collection Jesus. Have a happy stay.

**
i've been reading obsessively a book i cannot recommend. i've been reading it while trying to find a footingin that crowded moving tube they call public transport which barely transports you from point a to point b alive.

i've been skipping tv and many other things to finish the book and 600 pages or so later, i'm done.

this book has cost me 170 hkd. and i nearly missed my flight as a result. for the first time in my life, i was the last person to board the plane and heard my name announced. because i was trying to pay for the book and get to the cashier.

and speaking of which, i'm glad it'll be awhile before i board the plane again. how long exactly i'm not sure. because i'm sick of plane food when i used to be intrigued by the little sets and how tidily they were lined up. (familiarity breeds contempt) and i came face to face with the reality that i was away from home too much (at least in my own estimation) when i watched almost everything thatcould remotely interest me on krisflyer. they didnt even have time to change the schedule before i boarded the next flight. so that's why it brings me back to my semi original point-i had to have thebook or be bored.

**
a lot of you know the artefacts of the past in my museum. some are worth some money and im putting them up for sale. because that night, it came back to haunt me. so the next day i rushed to the cupboard that housed the memories to take them out. to put them outside, in the hope that it'll keep the sting away. and the memories will be detached from the present , and leave the present and future untainted and clean.

to my amazement, they had not a mite or dust on them. never mind, they're still going on ebay. i hope i'm not cheapening it by auctioning it online. because i know i really am saying that the memories aren't worth that much that i'd trade them in for money. well, they contributed to who i am today but i wouldn't want to keep them, an emblem of disappointments, hurts, spite and also forgiveness.

here comes the bride

there are many ridiculously tiny skinny brides whose gowns i can't fit.

mei ling was very worried (for herself) when she couldn't zip me up. but don't worry, i'm still eating healthily.

had two voices and sometimes three voices debating which dress i shd pick and wear. at the end , aftr 3 hrs, we finally reached consensus and i was so relieved. and i actually really like it too! thanks =)

my friends and mum also found out to their horror how obiang isaacs taste was. we can't quite decide if it was pure bad taste or if he just wants to uglify me so that no one will ever want me but him.

in mei ling's words, he always pick out the ugliest in the rack/page. this comment does wonders for my self esteem. i wonder ifhis bad taste brought him to me....

but lah dee dah. i'm happy. except that i tried on so many i can't quite remember what the selected looks like.

and bumped into the owner joey and chris. who completely didn't recognize me. she called me up later to say that she told her staff to alert her when i arrive and they didn't. shez the sweetest, alwaysthrowing in free things for us and we really feel an affinity with her.

we arranged to meet up the next time i swing by. in the meantime, the photoshoots set for 6 june.

here comes the bride!*skips and twirls! and lands on the ground gracefully*

china in brief

last night dinner in beijing

hoi leong, shuxin,me, eve
our service apt in beijing.
with our own walk in wardrobe!which we had nothing to put in.
but unfortunatelywe had to share a bed.(in shanghai i had my own room!)
ma la (hot pot something) which made most sweat but i emerged somewhat chilli champion.
birds nest olympic stadium
in the bus

shuxin with eggy. (it was smiling. two eyes and a smile.)
at shenzhen
raffles city shanghai
xin tian di shanghai
mean chilli basket with prawns somewherebelow. at the corner, quite potent 'huang jiu'

huayu cool

http://www.spring.gov.sg/Content/ModulePage.aspx?group=nw&id=b9870dee-12e6-4c6e-906a-27caf8c41655

that was what me and shuxin were involved in for the past 4 days.

punishing schedules, little sleep and basically being teleported from city to city. but overall, despite the fatigue and language handicap, we thoroughly enjoyed it and learnt a great deal from it.

they fed us non stop but i still lost weight. it was the walking, the lack of sleep and my sheer fussiness that kept me from partaking from china's delicacies.

we went from meeting to presentation to mall tours all covering 3 cities within a span of 3 days. delays in flights were occupied by blackberrying and stoning. occasionally, we entertained ourselves with our strange sense of humour that really really if exhibited, truly discredits us.

for eg, while waiting for the luggage to appear on the conveyor belt,

xin1:do you want to know how a sushi feels?
xin2:?
xin1: jump on the conveyor belt lor.

among other things.

i was also very embarassed by our language handicap but mostly shuxin's. we had so much trouble communicating to anyone. was talking to this chinese owner of a fashion chain and then he asked me to speak in mandarin..to which i replied 'i am huayuing!'

and then there was shuxin shopping and when she wanted to tell the sales asst 'let me think about it first', she went 'rang wo zi wo xiang xiang' (translated: let me own self think think)

and then while checking in for a domestic flight, i was told that if iw ant the aisle seat, i should inform the attendant that iwant a 'corridor seat' as they don't quite understand what's aisle. so i did so obediently only to realize that she didn't understand. so i raised my volume (as if that really helps but itend to do it alot when people dont understand and speak really slowly)

me:"IIIII WAAAANTTT A COOOOREEEEY DOOORRR SEAAATT"
her: huh??ting bu dong!
me:CORREE DOORRR
her:??
me: zai zou de pang ban (literal translaton: beside the walk)
her: oh...aisle seat.
me-embarassed-

we were treated like vips as we were shuffled from place to place, given the best food and put up in quite luxurious settings (at least for local standards). i also find it such an irony that poor and rich call the same street home. on one hand you see people shopping their socks off and two minutes later, you see someone picking trash from the bins.

also because we were considered to be quite vipish, which i totally dont understand why, i had people escorting me to the toilet and like really going all out of the way to treat me like a king, sans the red carpet and taking a lot of 'paparazzi shots'. its really like this:walk walk walk, snap snap snap.

only that sometimes, i'm like walk yawn scratch nose, snap snap snap.

gulp.

overall, i'm amazed at china and what it has become since the last time i saw it. my only regret for this trip is that i did not get to see tiananmen. in light of the debacle with tibet, i thought about the heavy persecution of MY brethren.

so a day before the trip while packing, i realized that a green jacket i am bringing is very 'maoish' and entertained thoughts of standing outside tiananmen and crying out 'let my people go'. to which meiling replied that the authorities might even be more convinced about incarcerating and containing religious fanaticism.

i also met alot of people whom i otherwise would never have if not for the trip. am so thankful for the company and just the crash course of china. yes, 4 days just went by and here i am back again before hong kong beckons in 2 weeks.

i even got recruited to join the fuqing association (my dialect grp which is uber rare with only 4000 of us ) in singapore because the treasurer happened to be on the trip. hurhur. i know not a word about my dialect sadfully but was told that the premises that the association occupies is worth alot. someone even advised thati shd probably join because as the youngest and theonly rep in my generation, if en bloc ah, i get alot of money.

want to go back to beijing. tiananmen.

selah.