Eve of new year's eve

This time of the year, I'm extra fidgety because I'm not brave enough to come to terms with the fact that one whole year has gone passed in a flash and here we are, at the threshold of another unknown.

There is a strange romanticism in facing this alone (so to speak) because God is so close and you know come what may, even if I had to cross through hellfire, He will be there.

We will watch the year deplete of it's last glories like a sunset and wait in anticipation (and trepidation) for a new year.

What really lies ahead? I have no clue. Except that my God is already there.
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I'm not alone

Maybe I'm not as alone as I think.

Am amazed at the numerous parallels between our stories. Between mine and yours, between mine and a novel's plot and even silly movies.

These help me gain another perspective and strangely provide an awesome sense of comfort. Somewhere out there, there are peope going through similar predicaments, searching for the same answers. I might not know you but we're on the same journey. I know at least somewhere out there, if I ever had to chance to confide in you, you'd empathize.

If only we knew our destinations and answers like the finale of a drama series which we can fast forward to.

If only.

27th Christmas

It was good by most standards. I wished the birthday boy happy birthday and determined in my heart to not let my own gloom, or anything at all overshadow the joy of this occassion.

Jesus, I'm thankful for a lot but mostly, I'm thankful for You.

Had a panic attack while napping. This was a sneaky one that threatened to ruin the day. By God's grace, it didn't. Will not go into the details of it but it was nicely ambushed and unexpected. Isaac refuses to leave me alone for too much but spent most of the day sleeping. Poor boy. I empathize with fatigue. He attempted to cook noodles thrice as per my instructions. Didn't work and the resident chef of the house had to come in for rescue. He cracked no egg but I managed to crack a smile.

I reconnected with the lovely Pam and we chatted and it's amazing how much we can share over msn in such a short time. God, I miss that girl. Has it been a decade since she injected coffee into my veins? Now, we're all grown up and she is injecting Godly perspective into my life. How awesome. I'm so proud of this girl.

Brother spent this christmas in the holy land (I hope he was in a manger) coz I am jeolous.

On the way back from dinner after church, zac and I were both caught in crazy thunderstorm that has been inundating SG. It was funny rushing in the rain. We got home soaked and cold but had a good laugh. His valiant but vain attempt to shelter me from the strong winds with his skinny body was also hilarious.

January 2011 looms ahead. God, you must have something planned. Please tell me soon.

Look at what came in the mail

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-----Original Message-----
From: DAVID WILKERSON TODAY <no-reply@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Date: 24 Dec 2010 02:03:06
To: <devotions-en@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Reply-To: devotions@davidwilkerson.org
Subject: YOU WILL SURVIVE

David Wilkerson Today

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2010

YOU WILL SURVIVE

Happiness does not mean living without pain or hurt—not at all. True
happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of sorrow and
pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in
the past.

You may feel rejected and abandoned. Your faith may be weak and you think you
are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up
at times, but God is still on the throne. He is still God!

Convince yourself that you will survive. You will come out of it and, live or
die, you belong to the Lord. Life does go on and it will surprise you how much
you can bear with God's help.

You cannot help yourself or stop the pain, but our blessed Lord will come to
you. He will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in
heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying and he will reveal
his endless love for you.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you
can't see any way out of your dilemma, lie back in the arms of Jesus and
simply trust him. He has to do it all! He wants your faith and your confidence.
He wants you to cry aloud, "Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail
me! He is working it all out, right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be
defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! I will not lose my mind or my
direction. God is on my side! I love him and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon
that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17).
 



Read this devotion online: http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/11171


Pulpit Series Newsletters
================================================================================

Sifted Saints, 12.13.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/sifted-saints

Handcuffed to Jesus, 11.22.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/handcuffed-to-jesus

A Skeptic's Guide to Crossing the Jordan, 11.01.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/skeptics-guide-to-crossing-the-jordan


Sermons By David Wilkerson
================================================================================

A Call to Anguish, 05.01.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/sermons/david_wilkerson/2003/call_to_anguish

Crisis Praying, 09.26.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2615

Living Without Fear, 01.25.08
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2640



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more sermons by David Wilkerson visit our Pulpit Series Newsletters
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Audio sermons by David and Gary Wilkerson are also available via our audio
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Lighter

Read an interesting quote but I'm not sure who it originated with : "life is like photography, it is developed by negatives".

Today can be considered 'groundbreaking' in many ways. I had to confront so much including stuff I was no longer accustomed to. Hours of almost non-stop meetings and my brain is not as dynamic as I'd thought it to be.

It was just a brief foretaste of what is to come and I was forced to 'disclaim' the journey I had made. I am no longer so sure of my abilities and my supposed strengths. I used to be able to juggle with ease, now I fear to drop the balls. Obsession masqueraded as drive and while I used to be dynamic, now I'm just happy to not trigger an eruption of too many things at ago.

Over the past two years, I've had to re-organize my priorities and slay many golden calves that I'd erected in place of the throne of the only true God. While the journey has been fraught with pain and despair, having had to come to the end of myself and doubting everything I thought I knew, I do not regret it and deem it necessary. I do not think it was the devil like I used to. The enemy is an opportunist and while it would be in his nature to capitalize on my archilles' heel with temptations, I truly think God orchestrated all this because He loves me. He had to show me the conceit, the ruthless ambition, the self-righteousness that reigned in place of Him. He had to strip me of my strengths so that I will lean on only Him alone. He had to endure malignment of His character from a beloved child He gave everything for the joy that she will one day see the light and step into His plan for her life.

Like David, Jeremiah, Job and Elijah, I had ranted in my despair. I had determined in my heart never to be 'sold out' for God because the lot I get in return does not commesurate. Now, in His light, every opportunity I had to give, was His opportunity to give to me. Sometimes, it was a lesson to strengthen my character, an insight to gain wisdom, other times, a glimpse of His character. Unlike them though, I was never that 'sold out' for Him. I was not a man after His own heart or a young prophet called to proclaim a truth that had zero mass appeal. I did not stay faithful in the face of complete utter worldly ruin and I did not protect His glory in the face of strong opposition.

But that's me :Unprofitable servant and Beloved child that He went to calvary for. Ironically, this apparent dichotomy will forever define me.

Fw: Playing improvised tic tac toe with wedding decor at a wedding while waiting for bride and groom. :)

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28 oceans

December 7, 1982.

The day I'll forever be thankful for.

We had a lovely weekend of celebrations and I can't thank God enough for His gift of friendship through so many precious ones that have become like family. The brotherhood in Him is such a glorious tapestry, interwoven with His love. Such a glorious masterpiece.

So glad he enjoyed himself despite the tiredness. The feasting was great but the company was even better. We also probably stuffed ourselves with enough japanese food for the next 6 months.

Now we're on the way to cross into another season, sail across another ocean together. I'm excited because of who I have with me to take this journey with.

Happy Birthday my dearest husband. Love you so much.

Tis the season for toffee nut lattes.

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I'm letting go.

For someone who isn't exactly the epitome of cheery, I have a significant bit of lines on my face that suggest otherwise. The crow's feet around my eyes are getting more pronounced. This is slightly ironic as I really don't remember smiling much (sincerely at least) If these were obtained due to my patronizing obligatory smiles and nods....it wouldn't be worth it.

On another note, I'm a lot more 'zen' now regarding the situation. Perhaps God is really stripping me apart layer by layer to expose the idols I've erected to worship in place of Him. Upon examining my own heart, I really can't say that it isn't true and if I were God, no matter how painful, I'd do it too.

I'll take it as a season of detox as He sorts through the deep layers embedded in my heart. In the meantime, I'll learn (hopefully) to fear nothing except Him and to have no other throne in my heart except His.

Uncertainty is the surest certainty but it's the hardest concept to grasp as I crave for stability, predictability and well, certainty. But life is an adventure that I cannot afford to miss. I just hope I'm buckled tightly in His grace and beyond that, let His will be done in my life. I'm letting go.

Mule

Stubborness is akin to only listening and agreeing with yourself, dismissing everyone else.
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Boy having fun at science centre

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Uphill trek with no peak in sight

I'm evaluating my options and even though there doesn't seem to be many, it's taking me an awful long time.

What do I want out of this? How do I reach my destination?

It doesn't get easier, this uphill scaling of dreams or in my case, sheer survival.

I think of heroes who have gone before me on this trek and look to them for inspiration. It's been done before and it'll be done again. Hopefully, I'll make it. If not, I'll just tumble down the slopes of grace to a very humble square one.

I don't expect a lot of empathy as 1)everyone seems to be busy with their own lives and 2) my challenges are quite unique. Also, it gets tiring having to repeat the same story only to sink in mild disappointment when you are replied with a gaze of bewilderment or worse, oblivion.

If I could have my way, I'll go for a holiday and walk endlessly just to take in sights and culture. Need a break, for my soul, sanity and all my never-ending obligations. Remember that there are other people who have it worse and are still strong on the inside. Remember that You are still God.

If I could, I'll simplify me.

Mistaken

I am always shocked when I realize that I'm mistaken about people. I've never been naïve enough to 'believe the best' but neither am I overly cynical (I think).

So imagine my disappointment when I made the wrong judgment call again. An ex-friend in the inner circle turned out to be otherwise.

On the contrary, I'm glad I'm not always right in the opposite sense. Found unexpected friendships in unlikely places.

I guess you win some, lose some. That's life.
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5.49 am

So this is how the early morning looks/feels like.

The air is cool and crisp. You can almost smell the unpolluted freshness in every breath. It's still quiet. Savour it while it lasts before traffic comes alive in an hour or so.

I'm sick with explosive sneezes but somehow feeling strangely serene here at this hour. It's so calming and beautiful. Too often have I attempted to speed past life that I have not stopped to smell the flowers along the way. I can almost touch and taste joy and peace in this hour. Strange that these are completely elusive when the rest of the world awakes. They go into hiding like shy ones.

Almost 2011

I can't decide what to feel about the fast depleting 2010.

On one hand, I can't wait for it to end because it's been such a steep uphill climb but on the other hand, who's to guarantee 2011 will be a gentler ascend? Also, I'm a hardcore sentimental weepie so really, it's hard to say goodbye to anything.

But no matter what I feel about 2010, it is heading steadily for 31 Dec and before I know it, the credits will roll and 'Auld Lang Syne' will break out in the streets to remind me that' there, another year gone. another year less on earth' and it forces me to evaluate what I've done with what I have, with what happened etc.

This time, I think I might be less hard on myself because I (finally) realized that no matter what, I'll never be fully contented with what I've done with the year. I'm my harshest critic so it's never enough. Therefore, I'll evaluate a little, maybe weep a little but celebrate for the most part and recount God's goodness and faithfulness.

I wonder if the tables were reversed, what would 2010 say of me?

Reboot please

It could have been a very romantic evening with the gentle cool breeze, a souvenir from the passing showers.

It would almost be perfect to sip hot chamomile/rooibos tea by my window and listen to the 'whish' as the occasional car passes and just let my thoughts wander.

Instead, I'm sitting facing the glare of my monitor and confiding in an imaginary audience, relaying my thoughts on a platform I hope no one reads. This is how it feels to be screaming inside.

Am so lost I'd love to have a 'restart' button to hit. So that I can wipe the slate clean and start again instead of trying to fix what I have. Am so misunderstood I yearn for the one friend that knew me inside out. Where is my advocate when I am silenced by fury?

Mount Merapi

I'm not happy.

But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.

In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.

And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.

Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.

pin ball

1) Rojak mix of sadness and deep anger
2)Talitha Koum
3)Confronted a very unlikeable soul. Didn't do too much to quench the fire within.
4)Wants to file some people away in the 'archives' folder of my life. Not worth it.
5)Wants to create a new file and fill them with new people.
6)Wants to fire some people from their positions as friends in my life. In their face. But not worth the time so wants to just walk away and never answer their calls/messages/emails again.
7)Wants to eat some serious bbq seafood.
8)Needs to make some serious dough. Why do I have so many things to pay for when I don't even shop?Ah, I have a house.
9)Raising ERP is a bad idea. Especially before the elections. This will stick big time and this time, I will not be bribed by any GST ang pows! But I don't get to vote..URGH.
10)I am too lousy a friend to those who have loved me just as I am and I'm too good a friend to those who don't deserve it.

Dreamt I was taking a maths exam withe likes of our current prime minister and another guy called cao cao.

No hope of doing well especially if it's graded bell-curve style.

And there was this fatalistic apt tune in the background.

Yay.
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Pit-iful

Psalm 42: 5

Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why are you so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him
my savior and my God

I found myself in the pits this weekend. I don't know what's to blame-the haze, pms or the sum of all things but it was just difficult to dig myself out of the pit when I was armed with a tea spoon.

I focused on the negatives and the pit got darker.

Somewhere along the way, this verse crept into my conciousness like a whisper from heaven and I just knew that God is here with me. Even in the pit.

And that's enough.

Misery needed company but got a savior instead.

Betrayal

The kiss of betrayal left a scar.
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Pollution

The haze is not just polluting the air but various social networking mediums such as facebook. People are polluting it with profanities to express their disdain for the haze. Guess the lack of oxygen is threatening coherent civilized living.
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I dreamt

of another moment in time
when I was still a young adult but empowered with the prerogative of hindsight
I was guileless and yet I knew it all
I wasn't afraid
But I was reserved
No longer wearing my heart on my sleeve
It must have fallen off while I was running for the bus

But yet the tongues still wagged unfavourably
And like I didn't before, I still didn't care
"somethings don't change''

It could have turned out very differently
this thing called life
but here I am now
I don't even know which one is the real dream
or if this is illusory
or if I'll wake up in the next few moments
to return to that moment
and reverse my decision
or if others' decisions will be reversed for me
the doors were sliding so fast
i dashed through them
and I don't know which paradigm I ended up in
but now I see no doors
only walls

24 hours after that dream
still shaken
24 years after
maybe the haunting will stop
I'd have lived a whole cycle
another generation would have arrived
at the same narrow gate

Maybe that's why my dreams took me back
play it all in slow-motion
so that I can relive them
gain the clarity I left behind in a haste to escape
and
gain relief

In the light of eternity

Words of Jim Elliot: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose''

Jim Elliot is a matyr of/for Christ. He gave his life willingly to the people who savagely took it, true to their cannibalistic nature. True to the verse that Jesus so famously spoke, his life fell to the ground like a seed and went on the sprout forth a harvest of souls for the eternal kingdom of Christ.

As I contemplate death at this unearthly hour, I find myself thinking of this verse which epitomizes perdition to our enemy, ''o death, where is your sting?" Truly in Jesus, the sting of death has been withdrawn and there is a promise of a more glorious place awaiting. More than that, there is the eternal presence of God forever as a dwelling.

So really, why do I hold on to my life so tightly in light of an eternity with Jesus and not use it as a gift and lay it at the altar of my savior and king? Why do I guard it so selfishly such that my interests are so protected I pretty much garrison myself in, rendering myself futile for any good works? I've seen life on earth as finite yet I've allowed it to envelop and become an all-encompassing view of life, when there is so much more to this.

I pray ''use me'' and then withdraw in fear. Surely my heart weeps too for a lost generation, an oppressed people, a weak church-the very reason why Jesus left heaven to die such a painful death here on earth. Why?

Why do I withdraw
why do I fall
why do I leave it all at the altar
and the very next moment falter

Bah-rant-eweeeee

Too many things I don't understand and don't know.

I shouldn't be so frustrated since it was no big revelation that I'm not omniscient. But why this antsiness within that renders me so discontented and unhappy?

PMS seems like the only logical answer. Been wanting to eat up the world and I had 2 full dinners (1 Peranakan) within a short span of 3 hours. Thought that'll make me somewhat happy but when I got home, there it was again. The 'arghness' hits me again and this time I can't even rise (literally) to wage a good battle and 'be of good cheer'.

I want to engage in something frivolous and yet I have zero frivolous desires. I HATE the ardous task called shopping even though I'm facing a serious 'I-have-nothing-to-wear' crisis, I hate the weather so that pretty rules out anything outdoor and I'm out of detective shows/novels.

Oh joy, you are too elusive. Wherefore art thou??!!!!
BAH-RANT-EWEE
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Persecuted church

Currently reading a book on true accounts of the persecuted church and it brought me so much grief as I share the pain of my fellow brothers and sister from afar.

While I applaud their unwavering faith in the midst of terrible trials, I cannot help but get angry at the oppressive regimes that have subjected them to imprisonment and ruthless torture.

But yet the mightiest and sole weopon that they have is a love that never dies. An unquellable love and mercy that sends itself to die for its worst enemies.

It has to be supernatural, to love people who have subjected your body and soul to unspeakable abuse. I have yet to understand this fully and it blows my mind.

Praying and praying for the persecuted brethren.
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Vulnerability

Spoken to encourage someone serving in a hostile muslim country...

"I know this makes you vulnerable. Consider that God was vulnerable, he saved others. He didn't save himself.we have to manoeuvre ourselves into a position where we are vulnerable,but for one purpose: to save others. "
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Alive!

Just a short note to prove I'm alive.

Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.

There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.

This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)

There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.

I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).

How did we get here?

Has it been a crazy month or what?

Some of my closest ones are trailing behind in updates and that is entirely my fault.

We've got plenty of developments on our end. Too much to document here but I'm so starved for time for proper meet-ups and phone conversations.

Please keep me in prayer though. That my heart stays steadfast on Him. That I'll not neglect Jesus come what may and that my heart will remain His favourite place on earth.

I can see 2011 peeking out at me already. Praying I don't get overwhelmed by the tsunami of activities.

Repentance

I just had an epiphany of sorts.

Maybe this whole journey of setting up a business from scratch was primarily for me, not for God.

Maybe it happened so that I can see where my trust really lies. When I have to sojourn through lonely deserts alone, do I really count on Him and seek refuge and comfort in Him? Fundamentally, do I really trust Him to know what He is doing with my life?

I didn't.

The measure of success is not how well the yields are on paper and how healthy our cashflow is. The true measure of my success is whether I have abiding peace that will take me to whatever destination He has for me come what storm. This should arise from a complete surrender and trust knowing that He truly has the reins of my life and is good without the clay interfering and doubting the potter. On hindsight, my doubting is almost a slap in the face, a very rude insult that can be likened to 'eh Father, this is my precious life. Are you sure you know what you're doing?'

Yet, I so often do.

I so often thought that I'm doing this for God. So that this can be a platform for him, so that He can use this as a 'passport' into nations, into lives. God needs no passport and needs no servant that fumbles as often as I do. His choice to use me is my privilege and hopefully it pans out like I imagined (or better). But what if..God is doing this for me? To dethrone me from the throne I erected in my own heart, to work something out within my character? To foster trust? Or to build our relationship so that I can see Him at work, see Him at play and watch Him love me. I liken it to a father-daughter camping trip where my Father teaches me how to fish (provision), start a fire (keep enemies at bay), pitch a tent (protection) and just enjoy this journey with the Father taking the lead.

Where joy and sorrow meet

Death for a christian starts at the cross when we die with Christ and rise again with Him.

Death for a christian-departing earth with sweet sorrow for the ones left behind to join eternal love in eternal home.

I celebrate your life but mourn your passing. Another hero of faith joins the ranks of heaven. May there be another one born to carry on your legacy.

Lessons garnered

1)You are more aware of the fragility of life and come to terms that you are not all that invicible.
There is this impetuous arrogance associated with youth where you felt you could do anything, at any risk (what risk?) whenever you wanted to. The world was your oyster. You went anywhere your heart took you too. Recklessness and wilfulness impersonated as freedom to take you to unregulated places, unchartered wilderness to grow up.
These days, risks are calculated, pondered over, prayed over before you gingerly take a miniscule step into the great unknown. Even though you knew you tried your best to minimize any risk and had enough faith that you were armed with the best you could get your hands on (knowledge, homework, God), you can't help but still feel the trepidation in your spine.

2)You eat less, sleep less but still put on weight. Gone are the days when you can live like a bear incarnate and eat and sleep all day while still looking like a twig. Metabolism has an inverse relationship with the number of days lived. If you want to eat, work hard (at the gym/pool) and don't whine after that.

3)Your world gets bigger. You don't live for yourself, study for your own purposes etc.You are no longer responsible for just yourself. Your work affects others, you affect others, what happens to you affects your family. Case in point: In school, if you fail, you fail alone. In the workplace, regardless of what your vocation is, a single mistake might cost your boss/corporation/yourself a lot.

4)The 'O'/'A' levels weren't that big a deal after all.

5)People are important. Don't sweat the small stuff and ruin relationships. Talk through the big stuff. Pray together as often as possible. Live, laugh love together. They are a big part of what we are on Earth for. Life is just better when you have people to love. Sometimes it's not reciprocal but it shouldn't stop us anywhere. There is more than enough in the vault but too little in circulation.

Lunch time musings

Psalms 143: 12
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

Step by step, bit by bit, sometimes more in an instant, I am seeing the enemies I have long battled with vanquish in His presence. Fear, insomnia and anxiety are slowly consumed away as Love takes over. The battle is not over but I can smell victory. The sojourn through the wilderness was not in vain as even in the mirage that blinds my vision to experience my faithful Savior in more tangible ways, I learnt (at least a little) to trust. I caught a greater glimpse into the depths of His love and His character.

They all say that hindsight gives you 20/20 vision. I absolutely agree. But in the days of rock bottom when hope has totally vapourised and I am but rummaging through the debris of my broken faith with hardly any strength to cling on nor any memory of His past goodness and faithfulness, I always still find Him. Waiting for me, as always. Even though I'm at the end of the line, hanging by the thinnest possible thread.

My wilderness experience however is nothing compared to other harsh trials others have to go through. My heart grieved with pain when I heard devastating news of a friend's young daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. The parents are a couple that have been faithful stewards in the kingdom. Naturally, questions such as 'why' and 'why them' arose. The lack of answer fuels the already deep-seated frustration and helplessness.

I do not claim to have the answers. Any honest soul will tell you they don't know. We might make a few guesses but no one will ever truly know. All I take comfort in is, inspite of the suffering, there is one who goes through it with you faithfully. There is a comfort that can penetrate the deepest embers of the soul that is greater than any physical suffering. There is a hope of eternal reunification in a glorious place called Heaven. And hang on, inspite of how grim the prognosis is, there is hope for healing. Though it bides it's time, it's a possibility. Captives of cancer and other debilitating diseases have risen from their sick beds by the healing power of Jesus.

My prayer is that in these moments, though they are trying and hard, we cling on to the truth-which is God is still good. And may the praises that emanate during this time be such a sweet pleasant sacrifice to Him, for they originate from a place of great pain and suffering. I pray that as a community, we respond right. We lend love and support to the family and continue to intercede relentlessly and stand in the gap to war for the destiny of a child and for the evil one to take his filthy hands off one of our own.

Rough patch

It's been rough and just last week, I was bemoaning that the GPS of my life seems to have lost signal. Some days, the cloud shrouding my thoughts are so thick I can't see past it and I just let my emotions sink like quicksand.

I've shed so much tears in the last two weeks such that puffy eyes seem to be a permanent feature. I cry at everything and it's wearing me so thin. I've lost sleep, appetite, joy and peace from this strenuous dehydrating exercise.

Yesterday, I was at the wake of a woman who finished her race with the Lord after 91 years. I was in the company of her family who mourned her passing yet celebrate her homecoming and the 91 years well lived.

I started to think hard about what I'd like to be said for my eulogy and that petrified me, simply because I can scarcely think of anything good to say. Maybe just let my epitaph read "Good wife, daughter, mother and grandmother". Short and sweet. And "good'' is subjective and vague enough.

I realised wakes and funerals are not so much for the deceased by for the ones left behind. Attendees pay their last respects but also to lend support and love the grieving parties. We spend an average of 3 days to comfort, mourn and reminisce and then almost leave them to struggle with the loss when life resumes on day 4. I think it's weird and because this is a family that is very close to my heart, I wish I'd known better how to help them or alleviate their sorrow. Words alone just don't suffice during those moments. I feel awkward not knowing how to help, what to say.

However, I take comfort in the fact that in Christ, there'll be no eternal separation and this family will one day be reunited in the kingdom of heaven. However, when you really love, even a temporal separation cuts to the bone and can be so heart wrenching. In the meantime, until heaven beckons, we will have to seek solace in memories alone.

Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore
A vain attempt to leave a testament
That I walked this path before
Will you remember
Will you remember me

-Corrine May, Will you remember me

Morbid

Not that I didn't see it coming. It was a slow treacherouos path that kept spiralling down and every single thing I did/didn't do resulted in my body's further protest for a break. It finally went on strike.

I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.

I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.

I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.

It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.

I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.

"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.

Why

Why do I keep on asking 'why'.

I'm never contented with the answers, if there were any at all.

I am still alive.

I'm losing any trace of an audience but I'll keep this blog running. My frequency of posting entries has dwindled to a pathetic once a month and there are so many things to document but so little time.

It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.

There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.

**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.

Disturbing eh?

I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.

Old wound

20 minutes ago, I relived the stung of a friendship gone terribly sour.

Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.

This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.

Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)

But really, how could you not.

And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.

A fork in the road

Had an extremely intense 'sliding doors' dream last night which is still haunting me many hours after I woke up.

In short, I questioned someone who seemed to know me very well if I'd chosen differently and waited, how would it really have been?

He pondered for a mere second before replying that I wouldn't. There was no room for me to have clung on, compromised on my convictions. The sum of me and all that I have been made up of would still weigh heavier than the temporal lure of the other options. And even IF I'd stubbornly refused to choose what is right and follow the lure of least resistance, somehow he knew God wouldn't allow it. That He would be gracious enough to either jolt me back or leave me with just one option. The initial display of two options is to expose my own inclinations to choose something outside than His perfect will for me and present an opportunity to rely on him, to make the right choice.

I never thought about it like that. I thought I'd chosen it and credited myself a bit too much for the good that has resulted and the bad that was averted because of the apparent wisdom of my choices. As if it'd been my own wisdom to begin with. Hindsight always provides 20/20 perfect vision but I still failed to see who prodded and guided me along.

Hours later after the dream, while I was mulling over it and asking God, He gave me this verse:

Psalms 25: 12-14

Who is the man who fears the Lord?

Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose

His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land

The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.

thank You.

In time to come, I will be presented with a greater of palette of choices and come to other forks in the course that I'd travel. In fact, everyday will be a choice. And until my savior calls me home, I have to be reminded everyday that He is my choice and everyday, I choose to ''seek Ye first His kingdom and His righteousness'' before all other things.

House keys

Has it really been 2 months already that I've had thoughts so fleeting that didn't settle long enough that I didn't document them here?

It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.

These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.

There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.

I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.

They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.

Bless the Lord for these friends.

I love you all.

It feels like God is late for His appointment with me.

He is always on time. I just ran out of patience having been bred in this society that values speed.

It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.

Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.

Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.

I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.

I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.

Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.

I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.



While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

John Waller-While I'm waiting

i've cleaned out my ears!

what was said: raynard's going to be a dad

what I heard: dinner is going to be bad?

what was said: i'm going for lasik

what I heard: i'm going to malaysia

what was said: aloysius means warrior

what i heard: aloysius means boring

what was said: take this bread and eat (during holy communion)

what I heard: take this brandy

the sad thing is..i think there'll be more of such posts

The battle rages on

The war's not won.

Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.

Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.

It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.

I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.

Josh Groban - To Where You Are

For a friend. Whose mum recently left for heaven.

Why

This must the first impulse and response when things are inexplicable beyond belief and pain is ripping hearts apart.

The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.

But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.

[MV] JJ Lin - 第幾個100天 [english sub]

this is quite something.

The Blind Side

Watched this some days ago and it's been awhile since I felt like every cent of my money was worth the ticket in a movie.

While it's not a perfect movie, it reignited the always present passion and fire to adopt, to give a home and be a home for an orphan.

I cried like from the 2nd minute all the way to the end and I cannot stop reading/watching interviews of both Michael and his adoptive family. I really cannot imagine where he'd have been if he wasn't found and taken in. He would never realize his own potential and most of all, never known love and that would have been the greatest tragedy of all.

They changed his world and he changed theirs. Both for the better. That's how it works. Loving will hurt and I'm sure there are many rough patches that are downplayed in the movie but that's what family is about. You hurt then love and then do it all over again. God grows us all this way.

Someday, we want to be a channel for such a great love to be poured forth. I've said it before in an entry too long ago that I'd rather be the home for an orphan than build a home for orphans. I can't change the world but I'd like to change the world of one child. Even if the child never turns out to have a diamond hidden within or appreciate all that was done. Even if. I'd like to have the purity of heart to just love without expecting.

And I'm praying the Lord expand us in every way to make that possible.

Like Leigh Anne said, "There are many Michael Ohers out there''. Sadly, I thought, there aren't enough Leigh Anne Tuohys out there.

And like Jesus said '' the harvest is plenty but the labourers are few''.

There are no orphans of God. Those who have lost their parents need to know God as their dad and have a family restored to them in His eternal kingdom. He sets the solitary in families.

Hallehlujah!

Coolie endeavour backfired.

Those who are in the know would expect a lengthy rendition of what actually happened today that left me looking like an abused kid at the foot of PWC building.

Was scheduled to pick up some leftover stock from a retailer at his shop in Erskine Road (Near Tanjong Pagar)> drove for an hour from Orchard trying to get there (encountering two ERPs on the way because I drove into Chinatown) and ended up market street carpark because I gave up looking.

Then walked there. Except that I shouldn't. Because I also tried to walk back in the scorching heat with 30 kg of goods with NO trolley. I perspired profusely, got severely dehydrated and my head started spinning. At some point, I pulled a muscle. And because the bags were so heavy, I have bruises everywhere from the shoulders to the wrists where the straps of the bags have been (yes the bags were like 6 kg each).

I was a miserable sight and to top it off, some stupid shenton way yuppie walked past and laughed and made a pathetic comment about my plight. I honestly wanted to attack him, if I had any strength left in me. I saw my reflection in some shiny pillar and collapsed at the foot of PWC building. I was red, completely flushed and my muscles were cramping. I'd been walking for 1 hour with the load. I was starting to see stars, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and nobody offered help, drink anything.

Husband rushed down to rescue me from work in a cab. Now I have muscle relaxants in my blood stream but I'm still awake from the ache/pain/bruises.

And to top it all off, parking there for two hours cost me $9.

I hate today and I'll never repeat this feat.

But in the words of Kel, "DONT ever do that again. IF you anything remotely heavy labour, please call Pete (her husband). Or else the friendship is on the line"

Am so touched. :'( but it is too late. I hope I'll have a slot at the Tui Na place/ Physio tomorrow.

光良 - 少年

Although I don't totally understand every word of this song, it somehow reasonates in me.

Somehow, I think I respected myself more in my youth. It's almost like I was a more 'honorable' person then. Some thought I was brash but it just meant that I don't mince my words. Some thought I was stubborn but that same vehement refusal to compromise has saved me alot of heartache and reaped plenty of good for me. Some thought I was constantly living in rebellion, against social norms, corrupt authority perhaps. In spite of the angst, I managed to retain some semblance of innocence and genuinely believed in people until otherwise proven wrong.

I wonder how much of all that remains now.

Just passing by

Had a really great weekend.

young adult's gathering at the mitchell's. good fun and food and got to know some newbies. I also sorta signed up for the youth ministry. (daunting thought). It's funny how I'm one of the oldest there and some of the younger ones couldn't believe my age when I told them. They were like 'I can't believe you're so old!" haha. Oldest age guess was 22. I don't know if that's a good thing especially at work. Oh well, in time I'm sure that will be something I'll be thankful for.

Then there was David and jade's wedding, dinner with Simon and Tarryn etc. Was so nice to meet up with friends of old and laugh and laugh. Simon and Tarryn are amazing. They're such an inspiration to me and Isaac and it's always good to hang out with them. I'm so blessed to have such shining examples in my life. Another couple would be Pastor Michael and Esther who've been so kind to us too. Coincidentally, they're all caucasian...I wonder if God will send us an asian role model for marriage anytime soon.

And now we're busy trying to wrap up work, housework and pack for Bangkok!

Wanted to blog on my thoughts on marriage yesterday when I was sleepless but now those thoughts are in disarray. If they come back, I'll record them down here.

After Bangkok, we're speeding towards CNY. This bullet train of life never stops.

new definitions

a good friend will forgo her eyelash perming session even though she claims to have seriously straight eyelashes to come and accompany you in your house just because something strange happened (ie. locked from inside).

a good husband will eat the food you cooked. no matter how bad it tastes and still be thankful for it.

a good cousin will offer (sorta) to help clean your house because Chinese New Year is round the corner and you don't have the best house-keeping track record.

Whee!

!!!!

i told him that i feel i look quite stupid.

him: me too. it's ok
me:!!!you didn't even disagree!
him:no it's really ok, that's who you are but you aren't stupid what.
me: no!!!!
him: abit ditsy is ok..

SOMEONE TEACH HIM TACT 1101 without deleting honesty 9999.

my incredibly slow day.

The last few days have been sluggish. I could do more work if I wanted to but inertia got the better of me and I remained ...sluggish. I finished all my work related duties by 3pm and was heading home from a meeting by 330.

I took the time to read. Rest was elusive even though I really should be getting more of it considering I don't get much good sleep at night with the blocked nose and heart palpitations. It's been too long since I got my hands on a novel and I buried myself in the paperback that consumed my time and emotions. I found myself smiling along and then weeping buckets as I flipped the pages. In 2 days, I was done with the book. I must say there was a strange relief that came as I knew my emotions would now be released when they were previously held hostage. But now, I wondered how to kill the spare time during this lull. I know I should draft out a more concrete expansion plan and continue to do the daily (mundane) operational staff. I also need to plan for the two more retailers that are coming up and the expanding lines in March with existing ones but my mind seems to be a blank.

Well, semi-blank technically but nothing I want to elaborate about here.

I could have tried harder but there were many flashes to yesteryear, quite akin to the flashes of lightnings I see late at night during the monsoonal December month. It just strikes the random patches of emptiness in my memory and fizzes out after. I thought about people, and how I'd treated them. There were those I felt particularly guilty about and especially when my actions have made them very bitter and shakened the testimony of Jesus. I want to say sorry but have no opportunity to. So I pray even though it hurts that somehow, He'll help them to forgive me, to release themselves from this pain anchored so deep within their soul and enjoy life again.

On a brighter note, I also think about my marriage and how rare and what a good thing we have here. It's almost extinct and even though we have our rough patches and ups and downs, most of it is sweet and good. He is the best fit for me and I thank God he was chosen for me even when I didn't know how to choose. He allows me to celebrate life and I am eternally grateful for him.

I know I should probably savour these moments before I get busy again on friday. Next week, the work is going to step up again before I head off to Bangkok for the weekend. But it seems like I always feel guilty for just resting and relaxing. Gotta work on that lousy 'must-do-something-all-the-time' mentality. So typically asian though, must be in my genes.

So tomorrow, I'll be engaged in very mundane stuff. Laundry, cooking, tv, prayer (extended) and maybe reply all the emails that my friends overseas have sent. It's such a 'granny' routine and I'm glad I have Jesus for company.

Looking forward to Friday! Chris and Nicole will be back from south africa after like 12 weeks and i can't wait to see her new baby bump.

reflections thus far

I tend to be extra reflective during the passing of a previous year or birthdays.

I really want to make my life count. If tomorrow were to steal my last breath from me, I want to know my last moments were spent doing something worthwhile. Even if it was just the mundane chores of life, that I did my best and I wasn't just waiting for another day to pass, for the seconds to tick by and not living the moment, whether in joy or sorrow.

Now, 25 seems like light years ago and 17 (oh gosh) was like another lifetime altogether. Someday I'll look back and 30 would seem young. And in a flash, I'd be at heaven's gate with my life displayed before me, either in praise for a life lived worthily for Jesus or at waste like the unfaithful servant who buried his talents and did no good with it, awaiting a greater judgment and the ridicule of regret.

At 17, I thought I'd be changing the world and living it up by 25. Now, I'd be happy to be able to change just that world of just that someone. (For the better of course) I can't even check that off my list and I can't help but get a tad sad at that.

I feel alone at this juncture of life with very few (if any) that share my thoughts, ideals and visions except the husband. But here am I, led astray by the cares of this transient world into the temptation to seek all for self, under the premise that it's ok as long as I somehow still keep the bare minimal statutes of faith such as going to church, praying etc.

While I greatly despise those that live their lives carelessly (and this is very subjective so I wish not to elaborate), I realize that this attitude arose out of a pity of the foolishness that has overtaken very capable and able minds rather than believing I'm better than them. I'm no better and if not by the grace of God, can be caught in the some mire as them. To a great extent, I'm still pretty much stuck with nothing much to show for.

This year, I'll turn 27. I cannot freeze time. I cannot hold on to my youth. I cannot waste it.

my first post of 2010.

While I don't miss it and I'm not sure if I'll be back anytime soon, I'm very glad I went.

Nothing short of awesome this entire trip despite the fatigue and the cold.

We even had the opportunity to have a (not-so-friendly) debate with a polyseltizing soka member who spared no ammunition in damning other religions which he has 'tried' while exalting his own. I was no match for his machine-gun fast soliloquy and I left telling him that I'm sorry he didn't think Christianity didn't work for him. I told him that I just hope he'll one day realize that Jesus does love him and did go to the cross for him.

On the last day, after the worst blizzard that paralyzed traffic and the entire city in so many ways, weather reports warned further of level 5-6 winds which were commonly described as blades slicing your skin. We ventured out nonetheless, albeit cautiously andI prayed that as we steppedout, the winds would stop. Honestly, my faith was as miniscule as a mustard seed but that was all that was required right? Because the winds did stop. And we got out safe. Everyone was puzzled coz the weather reports were hardly ever wrong. I was humbled that the tiny prayers of an ordinary girl were answered by the almighty God.

Throughout it all, we were kept safe. Later that day, as we were leaving for the airport, we had a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel and testify to our tour guide who lapped it up hungrily. She too had some exposure to Christianity but never really made the choice to commit. I pray that the words we sowed into her heart that day germinate fast and grow into a steady strong plant that will never be uprooted or shaken. It was so uncanny coz the day before , I was just getting ready for bed and I felt led to pray for her. It's amazing how quickly God answers with spirit-led prayers and the very next day, an opportunity arose without us probing and she initiated the conversation in that direction.

Going to Beijing this harsh winter has shown me so much beyond the history and culture and touristy exposures. It breaks the momentum of my everyday life and interrupts it with snippets on how other people live and provides a peek into a lost world without Christ. The world is so much bigger than I know it to be and the lost is hungry. The harvest is plenty but where are the labourers?

I don't know if God will ever uproot me from this sunny isle where I was born but we're open. I met a guy who wasn't ashamed of his faith to shout it out boldly because he thought it was THE good news. This example alone puts many of us Christians who have the real deal to shame. We hide not just our talents but openly dismiss the call of the Great Commission while seeking our own hedonistic desires.

Where are our prayers really chanelled? Where are our lives heading? What are we living for? It took a non-believer to awake the hypocrisy within me that professes that I'm living for Christ yet having no deep interest of the souls He died to save.

God help me.