Saturday, December 31, 2011

Lost sheep.

The shit finally hit the fan today.

Without going into too much detail, the work situation is just plain dismal. I am tempted to ingest the suggestions that this is a personal defeat and let despair set in but I'm strangely and supernaturally at peace now, undoubtedly held up by prayers of my faithful saints.

The worse case situation is that I lose the job. But really, "bad" and "worse" are all relative terms. I will not go hungry even with less to spend. My self-esteem might take a huge hit but I need to be mindful to not let it determine my self-worth. In the past few months, I have devoted too much mental resources in battling the toxic human relationships that today, I realized for the first time that even my strengths have been diluted to a lacklustre solution that I would have cried foul at. Most of the time after some conflict, because of my conflict averse nature, I find myself having great difficulty focusing at tasks at hand. I would need time to recover from the mental assault and try to stabilize my emotions in the midst of a racing heartbeat, choking feeling in my throat, chest tightness and giddy spells. Lately, these have escalated to headaches so bad my face hurts during headache episodes. Needless to say, my appetite and sleep has been adversely affected. I dreaded going to work everyday and not being able to do my work in peace with animosity shrouding the office.

I refused to be a quitter for a few reasons:
1) I wasn't sure if it was just me. Human relations have never been my strongest suit and I wanted victory in this area. I thought maybe someday I would be impervious and still supernaturally churned out stellar results despite having no team, no colleagues and plenty of daggers flying in my direction.
2)I hoped against hope that things would get better and people would just...change. Besides, 6 months wasn't a lifetime and too early to pass a verdict.
3)I didn't want to be labelled as a weakling. I abhorred that label and didn't want to appear spoilt and weak. I didn't realize that letting go required more courage and faith than hanging on.
4)We got too comfortable with the money. I wasn't ready to forego all that. Because of my rather international portfolio, they have generously remunerated me and despite being away from home from time to time, they have placed zero limits on my phone bill so I can keep in touch with family and placed me in very decent hotels and fly with very decent airlines and I so appreciate their generosity.
5)My notice period is a grand total of 3 months. It is unlikely that a prospective employer would wait so long for me which meant that I had to go without a job. There would be a loss of income. Also, I had planned and hoped that this job would be the job that would carry me through till I have my first child, which I hoped would be in about 2 years. I didn't want to start a new career and then head off to pop a baby too soon after.

Now, I'm taking the holidays to re-think if this is really worth it. 

1)I have learnt a tremendous amount in this job and it has definitely upped my market-value especially with the international exposure. However, I have paid for it with long hours (2 weeks a month) , racked up a huge sleep debt and replaced my emotional well-being under the radar of ''uh oh''. While I do not mind the long hours as my health has generally improved after a whole year of better eating, sleeping and expensive supplements, I wonder if it is worth setting the clock back by selling them all to this job. I love the work itself but the people are pure toxic. At this rate, while I work towards planning for a family, my body might actually be set in reverse and not be ready for a baby. This way, I'm not being fair to both Isaac and my future baby (if any) because the baby would be subjected to my stress both physically and emotionally.

2)My portfolio seems to be ever-expanding while I grapple and struggle with the tasks in my EXISTING and ORIGINAL portfolio. No further remuneration offered as the company is financially in dire straits.

3)What will I do without a job? I'm plain lost. So might as well stay neck-deep in shit while I wait for directions to be spelled out in the sky for me.








Monday, December 26, 2011

3 years on

He's still sound asleep beside me,concussed from a hectic weekend.

He still wraps himself up like a springroll such that I have to forcefully tug to be covered.

I still love him.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

So this is Christmas

God truly does put the solitary in  families.

Just returned from Christmas dinner with my cousins, (favorite) aunty and uncle. Words fail to express now how I feel. Am overwhelmed by the love and the whole experience of just being there. We didn't do anything spectacular. We ate, played monopoly deal and unwrapped our presents. We just got together as family.

Somewhere during the evening, I felt myself so overwhelmed by the goodness that I had to excuse myself to go to the toilet to shed some tears.

Thanks to my uncle and aunty, I have presents to unwrap, I see a model of Christian marriage and most importantly, I feel like I belong and I feel there's hope.

My childhood memories has been peppered with angst and hostility. When I got older, my relationship with my parents only deteriorated. While things are much better now, I felt like no one in my family ever caught the spirit of Christmas. They barely understood what being a family was about. Christmas often became something I dreaded because it was a sum of the year's disappointments. The disappointments oveshadowed the joy of God sending His son to earth for us, sinners. For many years, I was the only one getting and wrapping presents for every single member hoping, albeit in vain to infuse some Christmas cheer. Somewhere along that string of futile attempts, I gave up. No more cards and carefully selected presents, wrapped up the best I can. These gestures were often unappreciated and taken for granted. As their child, I was done trying to be the pillar of the family and glue. I was also done with disappointments.

Even though my brother and I had breathing living parents, my uncle and aunty were the ones who made us felt like we weren't orphans. They really cared and it really mattered to them that we showed up. Despite not feeling well and Isaac suggested I forego the christmas gathering, I insisted on showing up because I knew my attendance at that table is significant enough. My absence would disappoint and I was determined not to disappoint the people who were so instrumental in filling voids in my heart that my parents had left throughout the last 28 years.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

:(

Work is so stressful I'm hiding in the toilet now.

I don't remember signing up for survivor to outwit outlast etc so what on earth am I doing?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A deferred hope

For some reason, I deviated hastily from the path I was meant to embark on.

Too many years ago, despite my less than stellar results, I managed to quality for psychology in Uni, both in Australia and Singapore. I started out wanting to do that because I just felt so much for people who don't have the capacity to help themselves. Somewhere, their spirit has died within them and really, there is no doctor in the world who can revive anything dead except a psychiatrist. Spiritual things aside, a medical physician can heal a wounded body but no one really can heal a dead spirit. Even the bible says so. If the spirit stays dead within an individual, physical death follows. Therefore, a depressed person is completely reliant on someone else to revive his/her spirit, the same way dead Lazarus was completely reliant on Jesus to raise him from the dead. The community is then able to come in to support and usher him back into the ways and habits of life. Likewise, Jesus got the community to roll away the stone for Lazarus.

Well, I terminated my studies back then because of various reasons, all of which are minute on hindsight are trivial and something I deeply regret. I never stopped reading/studying on this topic. And to this day,the Lord himself never stopped bringing the lost and broken to me. With each new hurting soul, I learn a lot more about myself, depression,the pressures of the world and the goodness of God.

In their heavily depressive states, many are unable to hear the word of God, no matter how good the news it brings. I have learnt that you must communicate it to their spirit in other ways and take charge. Never ask a depressed soul what it prefers because the power of attorney has already been muted. Not the time to play ''humble'' for sure. While I do not advocate being forceful, I try to gently tell them what to do instead. Have learnt that this is much appreciated because they feel so much more pressure when they cannot make simple decisions that they are supposed to make, like choosing what to eat for lunch. When words fail to reach the deep embers of my spirit, it takes every bit of the Holy Spirit to direct me to do things that will get to them. Sometimes, the pits where their soul reside are so dark I cannot navigate apart from the light of God. I've been there myself , trapped and alone with no way to get out so I can empathize with how scary that must feel and it gives me patience to ride out the tenacious long journey with them.

I know I don't need a degree in psychology but I wish this could be my full-time job instead. The degree will give me more legitimacy and allow me to concentrate. At the moment, resources are just so thin.

Lead me now, lead me again. How?


Sunday, December 18, 2011

When the stars are aligned

Christmas feasting this year coincides with pms' eat-up-the-world mode. So yay I say.

What usually follows is food coma and indigestion which leads to strange dreams even when I'm asleep. When I wake up, I swear I'll never repeat the feat again but like a druggie, I almost always return to stuff myself silly.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Since when

So I literally bawled during the latest episode of my favouritest FBI show-Criminal minds.

Bawled my eyes out.

The clear themes of the show was about ''letting go''. It has often been ingrained in me that quitting or letting go is synonymous with being a loser or being weak. Not many will ever know that letting go takes a painful lot of courage. Letting go prematurely is not ok though. Unfortunately, it takes so much wisdom to know the difference and too often, so many get it wrong.

When do you give up a fight? When do you know the fight is not worth it anymore when once you were so convicted in the crusade. To let go is almost tantamount to admitting that perhaps you were wrong in the beginning, perhaps there are other things worth pursuing. Perhaps perhaps. And if the choice is to perservere, what do I really want to prove? That I can outlast outwit outsmart? Not everything in life is Survivor. Yes, it is a wild jungle of beasts out there but occasionally, life is kind enough to hand us a respite and we can afford to rest and recuperate from the tenacious terrain.

I just pray I know the difference.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

free

I haven't felt so free in such a long time. Despite nursing a migraine, I feel great in my spirit.

Today, I laughed and worked (very little) and even though I returned home exhausted, I felt joy inexpressible. Someone must be praying for me.

During my toughest week, the Lord sent an angel to deliver specific bible verses to us even though she was in holiday in Beijing. She only saw the verse references in her spirit and had no clue what they were. To cut the long story short, it spoke exactly to us. In volumes with just a few verses. One verse only consisted of names and when Isaac looked up the meaning of the names, it formed a beautiful sentence, our message from heaven.

I am amazed and in wonder. How God knows the tiniest woe in my heart and cares. I still marvel even after 15 years as His child. May I continue to marvel everyday.

I had one of the worst pieces of news yesterday and when I relied on my own understanding, my spirit crumbled within me. In my own words, I just thought there is no way I can see it through. I was awashed anew with despair and fear. Yet, today, miraculously God gave me a peace and joy in my heart so deep. I still don't know what the outcome is but I am assured of plenty of grace and a victory at the end no matter how treacherous and difficult the journey might be. The example of two also encourages me. Jesus and my dear friend, Mei ling.

Making peace with myself and releasing the debt I owe to the past alleviated the weight on my soul too. Now I can rejoice even though it's december. Even though it's the last month of the year. I have hope and a joyful expectancy of the new year. I can let go of regrets though they happen. I cannot deny them, they are real. But I can surrender them and start afresh because of the God of second chances. And I can learn everyday how to depend on Him to see me through, though I fail many many times, He never gives up.

Thank you.

How I look like when I'm watching tv

Ok, didn't realize I can be such a clown and so focused.

Monday, December 12, 2011

On to wholeness

Hanging out with Beth and Mel today helped me to string my thoughts coherently again. It's only today that I saw that God has indeed brought me through so so much and healed me from so many wounds. Layer by layer, nothing left to fester. Maybe in time there'll be more but I marvel at his tender loving kindness and miracle healing power. And I stand assured that come what may, He will always love me and see me through.

Still a long journey ahead but I marvel at the many instances I have overcome myself by extending mercy and grace to those who have hurt me. I think I came a long way. From vindictive fury and hurt that fuels a desire to hurt further, I am finally at peace and can forgive and help even as I hurt, inconvenience myself etc. I think I almost felt Jesus smile when I do so because I finally am catching a glimpse of what it means to share in his cross.

Have your way and continue to teach me.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

笑着哭最痛

Decembered dismembered my soul

Feeling less than stellar and with less than 3 weeks to the end of 2011, I am starting to feel pangs of panic arise within me threatening to erupt my well-being and blow it into pieces.

Retrospective and introspective, I am inundated with an avalanche of memories that incapacitate me. Remembering happier days, I feel older but not wiser, jaded and fatigued. Looking through some old photos also made me realize that the years have not been kind. The laugh lines around mouth seem to be getting more pronounced, yet they spell nothing but weariness and tiredness brought about more by my endless yawns than laughter. Then there's the age spots and the droopiness....the list is endless if I want to prac-crit what age has autographed on me.

How did a decade whiz by so quickly? How did I morph from a free-spirited giggly lass to what I am today? What of the girl that was remains today or has time buried her in the dusty pages of history too? Hanging out with friends from yesteryear did little to help me reclaim her back. They cannot recognize her in me anymore and wonder aloud where she has gone to. I realized this when I yelped with joy at the sight of a favourite yoghurt joint and same friend of 11+ years when...''that almost reminded me of...you''.

So who am I now and what does this spell for me for the next xx years that I'm meant to live?

Thursday, December 08, 2011

December and the blues it brings

Two of my friends just got dumped by their exes.

I cannot imagine how hard it is to be dumped and much more so in december. Both were in really long term stable relationships before the other party decided they had enough and wanted out. They were also brutal in their cutting and I almost wondered if there was any love at all in the first place. How can love possibly grow from so fiery hot to icy cold in such a short span of time?

Unlike physical death, there's nothing to bury when a relationship dies. A part of your heart dies along with it and while the rest remains in smithereens scattered all over hard ground, threatening even an innocent part like your feet as you try to navigate your way out of the cesspool of pain. To top it all off, being dumped in December sucks to the core. There's the festivities and the cheer and no one will even look twice at you bleeding away.

The relationship just evaporates, with no evidence that it was ever there. As you watch the other party who left you in the dust move in with the speed of  lightning to new pastures, the sting of abandonment cuts deeper. Then there's the barrage of questions, doubts and regret. Then with the christmas carols going on at full blast just about everywhere, you wonder and wonder if anyone ever noticed you're dying inside.

I think this is my ministry. To notice the hurting and be their friend when the world chooses to not acknowledge their pain or just heartlessly move on with the spirit of cheer.

I'm privileged to be on-call when the crisis happened. And I remember how the fresh stings hurt like it was just yesterday. I remember being dumped and then dumping. So yes, I'll be there to baby sit you and you. Until you embark on new exploits and leave me behind in the dust again.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Bleeding

It feels like I'm hemorrhaging. There's an unspeakable stuffiness in my chest and a palpable pain.

Yet I can't say what or what's causing it.

I'm just tired and it seems like all cries of deliverance got stuck at the roof.

Screaming inside but can't be heard. I thirst for freedom away from this suffocating constraints.

This pain has cordoned my spirit and I can't think straight beyond it. If only I had space to let the condensation of my toxic pain out freely through the tear ducts.

I have been both safe and tethered on the precarious tight rope. Either way, it was a sojourn into an unknown destination. Now, I just want to be still and pour myself out freely. Or let myself bleed dry.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Florence and The Machine - Never let me go Lyrics On Screen (Ceremonia...

breakaway

Am setting a new quota. For regret. 

Never a firm believer of regrets but no matter how I try to veer from it, because it almost always descends into a whirlpool of self-pity, I can't.

So, instead, I'd re-adjust my damage-control settings and set it to maybe one a week. Over the course of however long it takes, I'll lower my dosage and wean myself off it.

I don't know how long it'll take to heal the fresh lacerations on my soul. Some days I yearn so much for someone to hear me out, my story..for a cathartic release. There are two impediments to it though. First, I have no such person I have access to who will listen, not judge and bring my secret to the grave. Secondly, I will not have the words to articulate the layers of events and emotions embedded so deep within me.

The clouds of grief have finally gotten so heavy and rained afresh on my soul.

But I'll dry myself, re-orientate myself and get going. I've done this before and I'll do it again. It doesn't get easier with practice but with experience, I navigate better in the darkness. 

Can't wait for the day I don't have to repeat this vicious cycle.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Warped

You know things have are ugly when you look forward to your wisdom tooth operation more than work.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Pathetic goals

My life is so devoid of excitement this actually gives me a slight thrill.

To block one person from fb everyday.

I am so private upon adding me on Facebook, there is hardly anything one can access.

Then I'm completely unable to search for on Facebook. I took this blog off a d made it unsearchable.

At some point, I'll be unsearchable too.

Forgot what I started fighting for

That and whether it was all worth it.

Put up a lot of battles and tasted both victory and defeat. It usually is precipitated by stubbornness, being sorely indignant and zeal.

And it has worn me very thin over the years and forfeited a lot of happiness. Not that I should forego all battles but choose them wisely.

For now, I need a respite from the madness and dangle a nice fat carrot infront of me to charge the dismal levels of life within me.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

bliss

Today, one of my best friends in the whole wide world got married to a fantastic guy that I can't help but agree wholeheartedly was made for her.

I attend a lot of weddings every year and this was one of the few I shed a tear for. God was there and I know He has seen them through so much. I just am so welled up with happiness and excitement for her.

It's been awhile since I've been so peacefully happy. I had another two of my best friends in my living room crashing after the wedding zonked out on my tiny sofa bed, my husband playing with his nerf guns and although I was flat out exhausted, I just feel so blessed.

These people have walked with me for over more than a decade and have accepted and loved me for who I am. I cannot think of many others who can accept me wholeheartedly. I never feel more free than when I'm with them.

Suddenly, my work woes diminish. Although I know that a long and possibly hard week awaits me on Monday, I feel blessed and even strengthened. Even though my animousity abounds in the workplace, I can come home to a husband who adores me and I know my friends are there for me even when I don't see them.

Was telling Joanne earlier that even if my boss thinks I'm a complete imbescile, I am happy simply because I have so much. I am a wealthy person.

I feel free. Most of all, I have Jesus. I will not allow a job to steal my joy. I'll give it my best shot but it should not have to kill me and make me believe the lie that my life sucks because really, God has given me what man cannot take away and really, suddenly I feel so so sorry for my colleagues.

Love my caliwali so much and I'm so looking forward to supermarketing sessions and kopitiam meals with her and Ed when they begin their new life together IN MY NEIGHBOURHOOD.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Clash of the titans

Very very bad.

This is bringing out the worst in me and some old claws are resurfacing.

I honestly think I have found the laziest people in the world.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jonah V.2

I think the Lord is telling me that I'm exactly where He wants me to be.

Been struggling with frustration and doubt and as I wrestle, I constantly get a sense that I'm right where I should be. To top it all off, today's devotional was talking about exactly that.

Maybe because I feel absolutely lonely at the workplace. This would sound almost preposterous considering the fact that I pretty much worked the last three years alone. All functions from marketing to packing goods were pretty much consolidated in one person, me. Now that I work as part of a team, I find it almost impossible to reconcile different styles, work ethics, personalities etc. I'm also not as good in my job function as I would like to be. My boss has been more than generous but that one mistake I made last week (partly induced by inertia) seems to relentlessly haunt me. As my worst critic, I refused to let it go and berated myself relentlessly. The long hours brought about by buying week and my colleagues' less than stellar warmth worsened how I felt. I have no idea why I'm so hard on myself when I've been pretty much let off the hook easily and it wasn't that big a mistake to begin with. Something is so badly wired within my psyche and it leaves so little room for error and simply being human. There are so many layers within me that still need healing. A ''Martha'' needs to be exorcised, an impossible standard that leaves no room to err must be revised and I just need to allow myself to be human, to be me. Deep down, maybe I still think that there is no excuse for my existence unless I touch the sky.

Needless to say, I really dread work at times (like the rest of you) and some days are just harder to trudge through as I burn out the wick of my minute strength. So when my colleague invited herself to church with me this weekend, I nearly did a double flip on the inside. Church and my homegroup was pretty much the last bastion of my sanity and my refuge and sanctuary from the week's madness. New to SG, she thought church might be a good place to start making friends. Most normal christians (myself included on a good day) would have jumped at the opportunity, motives not withstanding to invite any soul to hear the word of the Lord. Instead, I merely cringed and it took every iota of strength within me to oblige to bring her to church this week. I just could not bear the thought of not being able to vomit my woes from a work week freely in homegroup to my friends, having to be reminded of work even on the weekends and to put it simply, she isn't my favorite person in the world. I had trouble seeing her for 5 days a week. The thought of seeing her for 7 days a week and later on, a whole eternity made me balk.

In the shower just minutes ago, I was so ashamed of my own selfishness. I was so concerned about safeguarding my interests that I was willing to put a soul at stake. I clearly did not understand what hell is really like, what Jesus really came to die for and how huge a price He paid. I clearly didn't understand how great a wrath I've been delivered from and how great my salvation really is. Chastised, I am now asking God to sort this out within me because I still quake at that thought.

When I dreamt about building the church of God up in HK, a city God has put so close to my heart, I did not imagine that it would come in this form and shape. If I cannot even choose to love this one person inspite and despite, He certainly cannot entrust me with more. Moving there and participating in whatever church activity would be completely empty and meaningless if I cannot love the unlovable.

So this is my challenge and my test.

Somehow, I think I know that He will give me the grace to crucify me and let His purposes reign as long as I stay submitted and abide in Him.

Enslaved

A bondservant of christ.

Worked through to 1130. I was so tired this morning I got off at the wrong station and wondered where I was, who I was and what I'm supposed to do.

Productivity dipped to minus 20% at 9 pm. By 11, I could see excel sheets even when I was staring at the cold hard white ceramic tiles. Mind was as blank as it too.

And the best part, I'm still not done.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Whence does my help come from?

From you Lord.

As you have undoubtedly out me in this vessel, I'm going to trust you to take me all the way to your appointed shore inspite of the troubled waters and the howling winds that seem to propel us towards the fog of uncertainty.

Salt

According to my husband, if he's a French fry, I'm the salt.

How typical of him to allude even us to food.

Cold

I was in 2 minds this morning about wearing boots to work.

If I was in somewhere other than Sg, it would have been perfectly comprehensible. The weather does call for it but what if the sun comes out later? Then I'll look like a fish out of water.

Now, I'm just shivering in my seat trying to milk every bit of warmth from the teacup.

Such is the weather of November. To warn us that the year is getting old. To remind us that yet another year will soon be gone down the chutes of history. To announce the impending arrival of a fresh new slate. A clean page for new plans and dreams.



Monday, November 07, 2011

Psyched up for work

The only reason why I'm remotely psyched to return to work tomorrow is that I'm really really really craving chicken rice.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Upheaval

That's how the last few days felt like.

Some days the events, circumstances and all just overwhelm and my emotions get crushed under the sheer weight of stress and I lose my marbles.

Some days I wonder if I'm just plain inept. As I ponder, it seems to point more clearly so in that trajectory and then it weighs me down further. Looking within me, it just looks all too dismal. I just don't have it in me to be better and my dark moods that settle in like the cumulonimbus clouds of late don't help either.

This wasn't how I imagined life to be at 28. Have buried so many of my dreams, aspirations and hopes in the last decade and the toil of disappointment (with people, myself included) has taken its toll. I don't even like the me I am now. I was different. I was going to be different. Now , I'm plain ordinary and weak.

I want to take some time off and travel again. To recollect me and find the missing pieces while watching the world go by.

But I don't know how to even get started on that.


Tuesday, November 01, 2011

iAmsterdam

yes. here. AGAIN. 3rd time in 2 months?

The receptionist at the hotel is almost startled to see me. I can find my way to the supermarket in the dark and I'm all too familiar with Schipol airport.

Am glad this is the last work trip of 2011! Gosh, how fast the year flew and what a year!

It's been a year dichotomised by very high highs and valley lows. I am thankful that through it all He walked with me and I think that is the most anyone can really ask for. Such sweet comfort and delight. What a huge deal it is too to have the king of kings walk alongside the dinginess and darkness of depression when I had nary a clue whether I would ever reach the peak to see the promised land that He has ordained for me.

Although I'm not entirely there and somedays are still treacherous terrain with little strength within, I am more confident today than I was a year ago. Not of myself but of His faithfulness and love to carry me through it all.

Had a wonderful time resting in the hotel, chatting with friends and husband while waiting for colleague to arrive. I previously entertained thoughts of museum visiting since I had the hours to spare. Previously, coming to Europe was such a big deal I squeezed in every available second with sightseeing. Now, I'm just thankful to get some alone time and rest in a comfortable bed. Besides, I've also visited the museums before (except Van Gogh) but the last I checked, it is not like they added anything to Anne Frank's house since world war 2 ended.

I would love to walk along the canals too but it costs me 25 euros to get there and it's just too cold. After the series of flashfloods in SG, I didn't feel like braving another storm lest I get caught in one here. Amsterdam is afterall rainy and dreary and God forbid it floods/storms here.

Tomorrow will be a packed day for meetings including my first townhall meeting! I have a major zit outbreak so I look even more like I'm 13 but I can't wait to get it over and done with so I can go home and be with my hubby wubby and friends!

God, give me grace and heal my zits! Help me not to get impatient and the pace here and annoyed at random people.

Fill me up with so much joy of your salvation I overflow !

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Struggle

With doubt
With annoyance (people I see everyday)
With fear
With my carnal nature. ( I decided to unleash the inner mean girl and told someone her head is filled with nothing but air)

Let the struggles end please. Triumph over me Lord.

Help.

I immensely dislike them. Annoyed much.

How?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sunk to the bottom with Jesus

Survived the weekend of unfortunate events. Nothing big but enough to get my mood really low. I woke up at 5 am a few nights ago unable to move with sharp pains shooting down from my neck. It was so bad I couldn't even move my hands, perform simple tasks like change, turn the door knob. Thank God I didn't break anything or sprained anything. At the doctor, he diagnosed it to be a pinched nerve and seeing that I was in so much pain, he offered a jab.

Little did I know I was allergic to it. Before long, I started swelling like a puffer fish. Quickly took my steroid medication and antihisthamines. Got all the side effects of the drugs such as moodswings, bloatedness except the promise of fast healing.

Just as I was grappling with disbelief, I feel the lord whisper gently into my heart that he loves me just the way I am. Despite the physical suffering, that brought an indescribable warmth to my heart and joy to tide through the pain before the dawn of healing broke forth.

He that saw through six trials shall surely see me through seven. All the way till the end until he leads me into eternal rest.

Praise the lord. I woke up this morning before the crack of dawn with a song in my heart and no pain/discomfort. I'm not sure of the swell has subsided but I'm convicted by a glorious love nothing can deny.


L to R: various stages of normalcy to swelling.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

pooped.

I don't seem to have energy and time for all that is demanded of me. Various obligations of varying degrees of importance compete for my time and with no hint of recreation/rest in sight, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by dread at the thought of it.

On one hand, I cannot wait for time to accelerate and for 2011 to be done with. However, those who know me that I almost always seem to enter some sort of self-induced crisis mode whenever Christmas or year-end comes around. I get weepy thinking about the year before and am always drunk with the cocktail of trepidation, anticipation and excitement. Then, I'll try anxiously to book any air ticket to try to run away to rearrange and collect my thoughts until God tranquilizes me with His perspective and word.

I miss my friends. For someone who is almost always packed with social activities, I feel terribly alone. I just want to hang out and talk and laugh uproariously with my girls. I realize I only feel safe to be myself with them. 100% raw, sashimi style.

So tired of self-censorship and having to explain in the plainest simplest language what I really think, line by line. I know I'm hard to figure out, tough to accept and just plain strange. These people have the amazing gift of figuring me out without me really saying anything. 


Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Never alone

Every step
Every minute
Every mountain
Every valley
From the day I first invited you in
Until eternity
You walked beside me.

Indeed so faithful.

Thank you.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

3 months old.

I don't know why I'm here except that I'm being incubated for something else. And where I am is part of Your grand plan and that You didn't fall off the throne everytime I messed up. (Because otherwise, we are all in trouble because of me).

I don't like it when it's said that 6 others can lose their jobs because of me. I was tempted to retort with ''we'll see''. Because I would have done my best with zero training and no help whilst they had whittled their time away. I would have learnt what not to do, what to do better and be better and sharper in acumen and expertise. I cannot say the same for the rest.

-cue William Hung angsty moment-

Don't tell me I need to smile more. I do smile. At the right time and most importantly, to the right people.

I'm already cramping my style big time to accomodate. Now when I'm penalized for scribbling furiously to record notes and thoughts for work, I feel extremely disrespected and disgruntled.

That said, I'm learning loads, albeit the hard and arduous way. I want to ace this scholarship, as unglamourous as it sounds. It is fun, when I get it right or come close to it. When I do market research and churn out analysis that sales results will testify to, I get the good kind of adrenaline rush and endorphins overload. All in all, I've got it good and I know I'm blessed.

I know I have to depend on You every step of the way. I know I am nothing without You.

I'm in a good place. Most of all, I'm in His will for my life.

I cannot see it yet but this is an incubation period for greater better things that serves His purpose. I need to be patient. With Him and with myself.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Migraine war strategy

P/s: note electric currents running through. What was bit shown in picture is my involuntarily throbbing forehead.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

3 day on-off battle with migraine

Not won yet.

My small heart

I think my heart is so small I have no room to accommodate the ever burgeoning throngs of people that push at the borders.

I was just telling Isaac this morning about how I feel so liberated and free when I'm completely myself without any consideration that I'll be judged or misinterpreted. I rarely fear men's opinion hence the choice of the word "consideration" and I realized after so many years, I'm back to just the same handful of people. The same ones all along.

A rare number have been added to this core group but they are far and few between. And I realize I'm really quite incapable of missing anyone when there's absence. My heart is a nomad and it takes too much for someone to take up permanent residency there.

I miss the same few, stay fiercely loyal to the same few and run to the same few everytime I need a dose of home, tenderness and friendship.

And I think that's what keeping me here. Coz I'm spent casting my pearls before swine and communicating myself to too many.

Speechless

Today someone shared with me about a 12 year old's last hours on earth and how the lord visited her and her family.

Left me speechless.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mourning

I do not know you Troy Davis but I mourn your death. I do not know for certain if you were innocent but the trial served to you failed many times over to prove your guilt.

I hope you found Jesus somewhere along your earthly sojourn and is now safe in Jesus arms.

I hope your family finds comfort and solace knowing that He who justifies has the final unequivocal say.

I hope that the justice system is repaired. No one is safe when the trial is this unfair and allows a jury to take away your life without substantial proof of your guilt.

I think we made murderers out of them even as they sought to nail the murderer in the name of upholding justice.

I am still in two minds about the death penalty but I'm definitely for a fair and just criminal justice system. Shoddy detective work be damned. A life could have possibly been robbed and sadly, I font think you're the last of many.

I'm outraged. But here I am, a single voice too many miles away and too minute to make a difference.

Rest in peace Mr Davies.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sunset

Blue

Might be the hormones but I just want to cry over everything and eat up everything in sight now. Save me.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Close shave

If I wasn't swaddled in prayer and love, I would have been swaddled in a strait jacket.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Monday

Zzzz Zzz zzzzz Zzzz
Point taken.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Miss me

I have at least two "official"appointments with God every week. Was just telling a colleague this week that I don't want to miss this appointment otherwise God will miss me and it struck me that I have a God that misses me when I have long absences from him! A sure indication I'm cherished precious and loved.

Only Christians can truly say that their God misses them for them and loves them in spite of them.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A decade

Sometimes it takes a landmark event to jolt one awake and mark the passage of time. At the risk of stating the obvious, time really does whiz by so insidiously. Unlike money which is tangible and can be earned back, time is irretrievable. Whoever said time=money was insulting time.

Ten years since that fateful day when the twin towers were struck and 3000+ lives were tragically extinguished in the span of an hour. I distinctly remember fretting over my Math paper for prelims (Sept 12th 2001) moments before I turned on the TV. Suddenly, the world came crashing down and I soon laid aside my books and was glued to the TV to witness helplessly as bodies flew out from the skies and imagining the dark grim last moments of so many others trapped inside.

Ten years later, I was still fretting, albeit over different issues. Work this week has been horrendous. Late nights and my colleague even worked till 12 am last night. She is still at work now and will be at work at 8 tomorrow. We are still far behind on schedule and I have to turn up really early to finish up. In anticipation of all these, I found myself fretting and anxious until I switched again the tv again and relived those moments. I am almost startled to find that my heart is so easily shaken and my priorities can still be so self-centred after a whole eventful decade. None the wiser, unfortunately.

Scenes, songs, emotions from 10 years ago resurfaced. My private thoughts are too lengthy to be transcribed here. The only way to surmise it all is that I am thankful I survived and He brought me through. As my friend aptly reminded me without knowledge of all these, He never once left me. Enduring faithfulness all the way.

I am learning to thank Him even for the journey, rough and dark as it might have been. And for the most part, I am thankful for who I am today. I've got a long way to go and the work is not finished but I'd much rather be who I am today then the naive girl I was. For this to happen, I had to go through all that I had to go through and I believe that there was no other way. He knew best.


Thursday, September 08, 2011

New record

I did 7 hours of ironing today with 1 lunch break and numerous toilet breaks in between. All this time while my maid was ironing my clothes I was somewhere ironing 200 pcs of men's shirts.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Some recent thoughts

Been back from intense Amazing Race style Europe trip and I've been pretty much in an out of my semi-comatosed state for 2 days.

I cannot believe that just two months ago, I was in a semi-breakdown mode when I was tasked to do these crazy travelling stunts alone. Now, I just shrug it off and it doesn't stress me out half as much anymore. I still don't look forward to it and would rather do Asia (except India and Indon) anytime but it's fine.

Going around Europe made me think so much. Their growing poverty manifesting in beggars along high-street shopping belts are appalling. Train stations reek of the stench of urine. It's hard to imagine that just a century ago, they were the renaissance of culture and glory. Look how far the descent has been. It saddens me to think that now Europe is sending out distress signals when it once used to be so mighty and great, colonizing distant lands (including where I live), rich and strong.

The devil has robbed from them so so much yet I don't know when they'll wake up from their stupour. I walk along streets in the city past ''coffee shops'' and see people stoned and drunk. They wouldn't even have noticed if they were stabbed and robbed (if there was any money left in their packets) Their eyes are glazed over and lifeless. I'm sure they're still breathing but they might as well be dead. There is absolutely no difference. I wonder how long weed numbs the pain deep down or the semblance of filling up their emptiness. I feel so sorry and sad as I walked past rows and rows of young people staring at me stoned out.

Then there was their infamous red light district. While I tried to scurry past as fast as I could to get through to the main road where cabs are, I couldn't help but overhear some english speaking tourists discussing whether a certain girl is a virgin and worth the price they are paying for. I was so revulsed and seeing that they were standing at the edge of the canal, I was so tempted to push them in. On hindsight, it could be an oops thing and I could have saved a girl a night of misery.

Where is the church in all these sin and debauchery? What is God thinking and doing?

Oh Lord, clean up this mess. It is so filthy. Clean it all up and flush it all away. I pray that through these dire economic straits and desperation, people will turn to Christ and not assume they are christian just because they were either 1) baptised at birth or 2) their forefathers were Christians.

In the meantime, if there's anyone reading, I covet prayers that even while travelling and sojourning alone especially in the midst of all these, that I will be consumed by the conciousness of who I am in God and who I am to God. In short, let my conciousness of Him always be greater than that of anything else. Let Him be my all in all and my final authority.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Life 2001-2011

My diverse diciplines: psychology to history to retail. Insanity in people, insanity through time and how insanity drives the economy.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Missing: joy

I don't have enough endorphins coursing through me and it is making me so frustrated.

There seems to be sone latent pent up anger and stress and nothing excites me anymore. I don't feel like eating or doing anything yet neither can I rest and sleep in on a non work day. Where did my joy go?

I am not really up for meeting anyone yet I yearn to sit with my closest buds and laugh about something (anything). But there's not much to laugh about anymore with everyone just as stressed and tired.

Where's my joy?? Need it now.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

When was the last time

I laughed so hard my stomach was in stitches and my eyes were in tears?

I felt 100% safe to be myself

I felt truly relaxed

I wasn't fretting

I didn't try to outperform myself and in the process fall clumsily flat on my face

I spoke to my grandmother

I was ok with meeting new people and didn't feel like they were intruders trying to invade my little insulated safe atmosphere

Too long ago.

Sundays with Jesus and co.

Everytime I feel an onset of a headache, I start getting nervous and irritable. It takes everything within me to suppress the uprising of pain and irritability. This gets me quite down and discouraged very often these days because it affects my functionality and I wonder when I can truly soar.

Church today was nothing short of awesome. I wished I'd heard a sermon like that earlier and it really felt like God was speaking to me through Simon. One of those moments whereby the anointing was strong and inspite of the headache, I really wanted to press on to focus my attention past the pain and discomfort to get what God wants me to hear.

Tarryn also nearly 'lost' Tyra today who was actually with us during service but lying so low on the chair her mom missed her. That sent Tarryn into some kind of nervous frenzy and after 15 minutes of searching, she was nearly in tears. When she eventually found Tyra, the look of sheer relief in her eyes were unmistakable and she hugged and kissed her. Upon seeing that, I almost felt God speak to me about how He felt when I came back to Him after His relentless pursuit and search. I caught a glimpse of my value in His eyes and felt hot tears streaming down my powdered cheeks, streaking them. This was a direct answer to my prayers the night before because I was just imploring for Him to show me His love that casts out all fear. I knew I needed to see my value and know that He is not negligent nor ignorant of what I'm facing, however trivial they might seem to be. At that revelation, I felt peace flood through my heart and that gave me enough grace to tide through the rest of the day despite the physical ailments (which I am still praying to be rid off). I also finally understood why He said that He won't allow anyone to ''pluck them (us) out of His hands'' and what He meant by ''the joy set before Him'' when He endured the cross. He would rather endure the agony and pain, most heartbreaking of which is our adamant persistent denial of Him than to lose the chance to be separated from us forever. Even the cross was considered joy because it provided the promise of many being reconciled back to Him. At that, it was like returning to Christianity 1101, precious truths so simple and fundamental to the Christian faith but utterly diluted by lesser things and pushed back to the backbench of Christian teaching simply because we decided to pursue loftier intellectual theologies that really, no one quite understands.

Lunch today with the homegroup took on a sombre tone. Noticed that many weren't their usual selves and were somewhat quiet and the heavy burdens they were carrying were evidently taking a toll on them. I felt sad and helpless as I wasn't in the best shape myself while trying to nurse the headache. What really is happening to everyone? Everyone seems to be saddled with one affliction or the other. In comparison, my life seems almost like a fairy tale and I felt troubled for my friends. I am praying that God works out His deep character in all of us amidst the trials and tribulations and help us to see His heart and purpose in the midst of confusion and fear. I pray that we only grow closer to Him as a result and that we will not break under the pressure. The tide against the church is really ferocious and we are only weak little lambs but thanks be to God, we have a strong and mighty Saviour in Him that we can rely on and take refuge in. That I greatly delight and rejoice.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

kgjasldsggahino

When I'm approaching the end of a book I enjoy, I feel a mini sense of panic and loss.

1) I'm getting really attached to the characters. (sometimes I feel like I know them personally.)
2)Now I have to go hunting for another book to bury myself in.
3)I'm weird this way.

I flip open the newspapers to find myself inundated with bad bad and worser news. The prognosis for the cancer of the financial markets are not good at all and it is spreading like wildfire. America down, Europe down...what next for Asia? I think about the jobs that are axed and lives that are affected. Look at London, the moral malaise and here we are encapsulated in SG pretending all is still dandy. It can be us. Anytime. And I wonder what this spells next.

Realized I don't really like me that much. And it's really hard because I cannot not live without me. I appreciate the person that I was before more, albeit somewhat occasionally fatuous and impetuous, clumsy and plain uncool. Although my convictions were not always right, I respect the fact that I stood unwavering by them. I was bolder and so much excited me. These days, I'm placid, calmer but really still a wuss. Nothing excites me I'm as alive as a dead fish.

I'm still stricken with stomach problems but it has since abated somewhat. I still look 3 months pregnant , thanks to the colic and hyperacidity but generally the worst is over and I'm thankful to have survived stomach hell by God's grace and mercy. A few days ago, I even threw a tennis ball at my tummy only to have the ball bounce off in a beautiful trajectory. I never even had such a good hit in my little time playing real tennis. This is something alternative I can consider.

Sometimes I feel my life is such a comedy. Except I'm the only one not laughing.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The I-just-want-to-burst-into-tears post

I can't decide which of this I hate more: the incessant throbbing headache, the stomach ailments or just about everything.

The sum of all the above has resulted in a drastic emotional blow for me. I just want to sit where no one is and weep like it's the end of the world even though I know I just have to wait it out, it'll pass, be patient etc. I do not suffer with class at all and yes, shame on me.

Having had to literally rest, I've been bored out of my mind and yet stressed that I won't have enough physical strength to do all that is required of me. So first things first, clear my social calendar. Many well-meaning people have all chosen the months of july and august to meet up and I've happily obliged not realizing what a strain it is to my physical rest reserves. In fact, there are no reserves left and at that, I want to sit somewhere in a corner and wail again.

I just want to be with my husband now. Maybe a few of my best girlies too. I can't even eat coz my stomach is on it's anti-food rampage. I just want to be loved and be manja and grossly spoilt. I cannot be so super gung-ho and take on the world and suffer with class. (ie. in good nature and without complaining).

I feel alone and scared under the siege of this crazy bug. Then I think about all the times I'm a lousy friend to an innumerable mass of people and then I want to cry again. I look at photos of old and recount the shared memories and wonder if people still remember me. And if so, then for what? If it's for something too stupid, then please get amnesia and forget me. I can be alone!

I ramble on and on but this is really a tiny reflection of what is going on within me-turmoil. A 12 hour migraine does mess up your brain quite a bit and suddenly being able to type on a keyboard and not on some lousy touch-screen iphone is so much a relief I feel like..yes you guessed it, bursting into tears.

It's cathartic to type out all that I feel, messy and incoherent as they may be on a keyboard. POUND POUND POUND furiously. AHH...Therapeautic.

I really want to go away now. Go home. Go somewhere familiar.

Go to hong kong and tell some popo lying out on the streets tonight that I love them. Most importantly, that Jesus loves them.




Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Singapore turns 46.

Tomorrow is isaac's scope and I can't help but feel a tad nervous.

Suddenly overwhelmed by "what if" thoughts of him dying etc and it terrifies me to no end.

I had a headache marathon that lasted for like 8 hours and running.was thoroughly exhausted and nauseous from it. I think people call this a full blown migraine.

Miserable and missing my husband despite him being just outside in the living room. Just want to hold him forever and never let him go, despite his annoying habits that drove me up the wall at times.

I love Isaac quek. Please be ok.

Agony

Stomach is rioting against me again.

I've had my first full meal in days and my stomach is obviously displeased with it and spewing acid in its vain attempt to annihilate and obliterate all trace of foreign substance (read: food) I've had so much acid reflux the linings of my throat and mouth are all tinged with acid it burns. A little while ago, when there was another surge of acid, I thought I felt it rushed through to my back and caused a burning sensation on my back. Need to verify that with my doctor to see if it's possible of it is psychosomatic.

Now, at 2.16 am, I'm awake with hiccups. This would be fine except that with every hiccup, my stomach churns with pain because of the acid that is running amok trying to colonize my innards and stake their claim. Every slight movement I make is marked with pain I told Isaac it feels like I had a caesarean and the anaesthesia just wore off.


Monday, August 08, 2011

What I forgot

I forgot the power and magic of music. I've been living in a dull self-induced silence and it has turned my world grey. Listening to late night radio( albeit cheesy) has brought me back to times and places long forgotten. I feel like I have a soul again. Clay Aiken, I'm sad you're gay but you Are still the best American Idol to me.

I forgot what it feels like to be on a swing. In the past, all I had to do was finish my homework and I could head for the swing but now, I can't even accord the same yo my future kids. Swings have gone extinct in Singapore and along with it, so much joy and innocence.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Miserable

Been feverish for 3 days now and the temperature officially hovers around 38.5 degrees. My stomach also doesn't agree with the fever meds so I'm plain miserable. Doctor says if fever doesn't go down by day 4 ( tomorrow) I have to get tested for dengue.

I cant complain and am just relieved this didn't occur during one of my work trips.

My fever has also induced certain nightmares that includes fast driving, panic, heart palpitations and heavy perspiration. I am almost scared to fall asleep but this state of being keeps me "comatosed" for like 16 hours a day.

On another note, my heart is off wandering again as we contemplate holiday options. I'm under strict orders to save money from the husband. All is good except that he seems to want me to save ALOT more. Now I'm wondering if the holiday will ever happen or will we just shelve everything or go for a cheap holiday to Hk using my frequent flyer points.

I also look at my calendar and wonder if it's possible. Schedule seems tight all the way till next June except for a huge lull in December. I wonder if that will work...but travel in December is expensive. Decisions decisions.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

3 meals in 4 hours

Why do I eat like a hog?
Perhaps I'm one.
:(

Monday, August 01, 2011

I suddenly feel so alone

My head weighs a tonne and every muscle in my back is aching so bad it feels like I walked back from Europe.

I look around me and suddenly realize that people who were once so close in proximity to me are now gone and I feel so alone.

I am still fatigued and probably need another full day of sleep but I just feel so alone.

Friday, July 29, 2011

1 Peter 4: 7-10

The end of al things is at hand: therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded fo the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a git, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

Amen.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Amsterdam

I'm heading to korscenbroich this evening. Amsterdam was literally a whirlwind and sometimes when I travel it feels like time freezes itself as I sprint around. For example if ibleft home on the 25th of July I almost expect it to still be that date when I next return home. I'm strange that way.

It's lonely and I'm thankful gor technology and most of all, my constant companion Jesus Christ. Nothing sticks closer and though I fear, I am learning that he can be trusted and will take care of his sheep.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Happy birthday to me

I think I'm finally rid of the intense desire to want to hide under the bed and avoid my phone like plague when my birthday swings round.

This year, there is no fanfare and gatherings because there is just no one and all my closed ones are out of town.

This year, thanks to the packed schedule of July, I don't feel very excited or happy. Neither am I particularly sad or nervous about losing my precious 20s to time.

I'm feeling a tad lonely hut I think that in spite and despite, this year has been a bountiful harvest of blessings and growth with the lord.

I look forward to more and a more Jesus-filled new me in the new year.

Will come up with a thanksgiving list to recount how wonderful God has been and i am pretty sure it'll be a looong list.

Thank you Jesus for my life. Use it for your glory please.

Too sad but ''it is not the end of the world''

That's what he would say when I go semi-ballistic and pessimistic.

Joshua Gill left awhile ago and I think I haven't bawled so hard in a loong time. Ok, maybe I did when I was alone in HK but you get the drift.

I'm so not used to no musicals in the shower at 12 am.
I'm not used to the empty room.
I almost expect to hear the creaky gate open because he is sneaking home.
I almost expect us to sit in the kitchen for our ''fruit supper''.

2.5 months flew by just like that and our not-so-little baby has mounted on wings and taken off for new adventures.

It's been an adventure for us too and we will forever be grateful to be numbered amongst his 100000 (and counting) friends.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Secret ambition

To be Santa.
Been having stomach trouble for more than a week.

Time is whizzing by so quickly I sometimes forget dates. One of my oldest best friends is getting married tomorrow. That's the carrot dangled that keeps me going. I'm so excited and happy.

On anither note and apart from wedfing excitement, It seems ive been hit by Friday, pre-birthday blues. I've said this before but I can't wait for July to be over.

No title

I just need a lot of sleep.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Wake me up when July ends

Too emotionally draining for 31 days.

Dreading next week. And the week after.

Freeze time please.

Can't wait for august. Don't want to cry and feel so vulnerable. can't wait for national day.

Monday, July 04, 2011

This is why

This is why its unlikely I'll have more that a grand total of five true friends:

Not many in my life, in my deep inner circle are friends that go way back. The ones that go way back have had the prerogative of seeing me happier, less jaded and albeit gullible, untainted. They knew me before " psycho maniac" era and know that beyond those tendencies, there was another side to me that was real and existed, not mythical. Those that came after that can at most provide kindness in pittance form- benefit of the doubt.

Those that go way back knew me before my identity was fused with isaacs. Before my stubborn willful personality with the acerbic tongue was juxtaposed against my kind husband's like day and night. They have accepted me way before I tried too hard to fit into society's carefully defined mould.(and failed)

Yup. They have had the track record of accepting and loving me through my best and worst. Before my identity got subsumed in the crowd of larger personalities and my husband's. Before my presence became negligible and compromised.

Before I became a commodity and ordinary (apart from psycho depressive maniac)

These are the reasons.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Note to self: I'm not a pig

Hence, I don't have to eat like one.

Stomach is in turmoil again from gross overeating. It's like I can produce enough methane for a nuclear reaction.

Ok, too much information.

Sleep tight folks.

Grateful

I'm so grateful that I can so easily access the throne of grace. I just close my eyes and cry and I immediately have an audience with the lord most high. Yet, this didn't come easy.Jesus had to die by 39 lashes, scorching, piercings for me to have this awesome wondrous privilege. The cross had to happen. Just so I could come.

The countdown has begun and July has descended!

Meetups, start work, work trip, farewells, anniversary,wedding and birthday meals.

I think July will fly by.
It will be an emotional roller coaster.
Or I might not have much emotions because I'm too distracted by work.

I think Isaac is going to cry. Because Chris Morrison and Joshua Gill are leaving. I don't think he even shed a tear when he dumped his exes.

This is huge. August with it's fireworks will pale in comparison.

July 2011. I wish you had 60 days.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

String of work-related, past-related nightmares. The dauting and taunting has started early for a new season. Woke up gasping for breath and terribly fatigued.

The cough didn't help too.

Was reading my brother's blog and it just sounds like he wants to do a prisonbreak. I echo that sentiment except that the prison is within me. My heart is held captive by ironbars called fear, dread and loneliness. I need encouragement from Him and hope to know that things can be different. That I don't have to feel so alone despite being married and living in a house with two boys, surrounded by hoardes of wonderful people and joining a vibrant, friendly company.

Apart from the conundrum of wanting to be alone yet wanting to be with people, sometimes I just want to run away until I'm sure that there can be possibly no one that knows me for me to walk down the streets safely without make-up. The weight of the many things in this land weigh my heart down. I want to get high on helium and just float towards the clouds, ala Mary Poppins. I want to laugh, even if no one gets my jokes and I don't want to feel disappointed when those closest have no clue. Maybe I am impossible to figure out. I knew I was complicated but that complicated?! I belong on Mars (or Venus, to be politically, theoretically correct). I think it'll really surprise me when someone does come along and actually understand my pschye and the complicated mess called me.

My best friend for the past 2.5 years seems to be the washing machine and it breaks my heart to know that we might have to upgrade it. I bawled a huge weepie in private at that thought and as ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I might ever find that ridiculous. It's sad. An inanimate object is my best friend but I feel that it has faithfully absorbed my grief , pain and many intimate secrets over the course of my entire marriage. Had I known that I would find a friend in the washing machine over hours every week of laundry, I'd have done my own laundry before I got married.

It was also the last relic I have from an expired friendship and I fought to preserve it, to no avail. Now, like said friendship, washing machine seems to be choking up to make way for a spanking new bigger one. (less laundry time) Hopefully by the time the new one comes, I will have to spend less time doing laundry and have more friends that can decode, understand and still love me.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Find my own garden

Mandela had his own garden and tended to it while in prison on Robben island. It must have been such a luxury to have an avocation while serving time in one of the harshest prisons on the world.

I hope to find my own garden. To be able to engage in something that engages my mind without taxing it. Simple as it sounds, it is actually very difficult to find that.

I need it now more than ever. One of those weeks when I just cry at everything and am weighed down by nameless cumulonimbus clouds of depressive moods.

I just want to retreat so far into myself and dwell in my own garden of silence and peace. Away from noise, laundry and be a princess for a day.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

妳出現在我詩的每一頁

Was so blind but now I see

Isaiah 40:27

"OJacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? OIsrael, how can you say God ignores your rights?


Thursday, June 23, 2011

My current greatest regret

2.24 am. There's a storm raging outside.
I missed your wedding and you'll never understand how sorry I am and what I went through the days leading up and on the day itself.
I hope you are happy. I hope you are reveling in His love and discovering and growing more in Him everyday.
I hope he makes you so happy.
I don't think I realized exactly how much I missed you and all that I shared with you.
We have since gotten used to not being in each other's lives.
I watched you on video and I wept. I could run over to where you are now and hug you so tight except that I don't know where you are at all.
I want you to know I'm immensely proud of you and should never have allowed some relic to come between us.
we both didn't stand firm enough and defend a friendship so rare and precious.
I love you my friend. Remember me.

Of girlie chats and nerfwars

Had a lovely day with the girls. So so good just to chillax and talk about nothing at all, sip on erm, mineral water and laugh. That said, I'm totally looking forward to restarting the worklife engine. I'll savour memories like these. They warm my heart when things are dreary.

Like me, Isaac had a wonderful evening with the boys. He came back to a very intense nerfwar with Josh and it was hilarious. If I had more energy, I'd talk about it in detail but I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Now, it's time to wind down, say bedtime prayers and slip into slumberland.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dust collector

My flickr album is frozen in time and has gathered a lot of dust, thanks to years of neglect.

Most if the people in the albums are no longer in my life. They must have been such a regular feature as they dominated pages and pages of this online archive of memories. I hope they are well.

Today was good but I felt such a huge weight depressive weight over me I just wanted to burst out crying at so many points. I suddenly miss Mei ling loads and I just want to run to whereever she was. I've not had a decent sit-down session with my girls for the longest time and I have no idea how I got by especially with so much happening.

I've got so much good news and somehow it means so much less when I can't squeal with them and jump around. Thanks for wiping my tears through those emotional monsoon seasons. Love u girls so much.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

What a day

On the way to sign the contract today to seal the deal with the new employer, I was a jittery mess plagued by thoughts of ''what if they change their mind?'' and ''what if ...[insert scary scenario]".

I actually stopped along the corridor to pray and check for the peace (well hidden beneath the doubts and fears) before gathering my nerves and proceeding. It went beyond a glitch and I was offered better terms than I initially expected/imagined/requested for. In short, they are totally spoiling me already and I'm super grateful for all the small and not so small things. I pray that in this next season, I'll be able to sow seeds of Him with all the people I work with/work for and that even in the midst of busyness, He'll remain central.

Proceeded to my usual coolie duties for new product launch. Halfway through it all, I started getting breathless but didn't give it much thought as I had an inhaler with me. After my first appointment cancelled on me, I went to meet Kel who later had to drive me to the doc while I hyperventilate and wheeze in her car. 5 puffs, nebulizer, oral steroids and 2 hours later, I was out of the doctor's with still laboured breaths and trembling hands and chattering jaws.

I was almost tempted to be swallowed up in despair. I just took up a job and there, my health decided to show signs of cracking after like a good year of hardly any major falling sick episodes. What a bummer.

What a start and what an end.

Mildly deflated but otherwise buoyant. I still have sooo much to be thankful for.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Same old story.

now there are a few groups who want to chope some time to 'celebrate my bday'. Except that I can't say yes to everyone and they are going to get annoyed because they all want to celebrate on THE DAY ITSELF.

How about asking ME what I want?

Too much work. too messy. I just want to put my head in the freezer and shut the world out.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Broken wings

Can't fly.

The weight of disappointment within me feels so heavy I feel like I need at least a thousand helium filled balloons to lift me up from the trench of unbelief, doubt and fear.

Or Mary Poppin's brolly.

Or maybe just a hand from the Lord.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

born to fly.

everyone seems to be telling us to fly. to explore. to roam the world. (ok not everyone, just the Ms and Josh)

before the apocolypse.

or a child.

While I'm way too far from living recklessly, I'm thinking..maybe yes, we should let loose a little and just live in the moment. The thing about life is that you'll never get out alive and maybe I should really let tomorrow take care of itself and let God take care of tomorrows. While living within our means, I should perhaps, just breathe a little more, mount up and fret a lot less.

My wings are clipped for the moment but I'm determined to unclip them soon. I'm going to stop wondering if I should have a kid next year because it's the dragon year and it's hard to get kids into places when I don't even know if I'll be here in 7 years. Yes, Nicole has drummed a lot into me. If she is pregnant and saddled with a year old baby (who btw, can feed and sleep on her own) and travel all over Africa with no permanent roof like nomands AND due for birth in Nov AND not the least bit worried, I really have a lot less to be worried about and should just take each day as it comes.

I plan too far ahead. I started the business in the hopes that it can be on auto-pilot and I can have a 'passive income' in 3-5 years and now I'm ready to liquidate. Nothing goes quite as planned and now, I think I just need to plan and prepare my heart for surprises and God's plan, whatever it is and stop being a hard core stickler to the details of MY plan.

**
On a separate note, I'm feeling a lot less weepy than yesterday despite the pent-up frustration (mostly with Dell) and being cancelled upon last minute by a friend. Not that I'm angry with her but I was just bored out of my mind. Especially since Dell is still down. The period coming is really a welcome relief although I just can't stop eating now.

Was prepping, pen and paper style about retail planning and the more I delve into it, the more I want that job. Now now, come Monday will be the day of reckoning. Please pray for me if you're reading this. 2nd interview and for now, all the signs are looking pretty positive but my mantra remains the same: hope for the best but prepared for the worst.

I caught myself making a concious effort not to be too close to some foreigners in church. I really like some of them and we get along fairly well. They really crack me up and I felt drawn towards them in so many ways. But I held myself back because I knew they belonged in the 'leavable' category. First keith and carin, then now 4 in a month. It doesn't get easier, despite the 'practice'. And speaking of which, we're not even getting updates from Keith and Carin. I heard the internet connection there really sucks so it's not a wonder that updates are scanty but I'm just praying that they are all right.

I am guarded. Because I can't live without my heart when I give it away and these recipients scoot off. In the words of Chris, he thinks they'll leave with at least 3/4 of our hearts. That said, I'm seeing Nicole like twice every week with Baby M. Come July 31st, I'll need a water tank and a lot of tissues because I'll have a brand new load of issues.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Losses

This is the week of losses.

1) Isaac's 2 month old Iphone was stolen by some crook. While we've replaced the phone with a pretty snazzy android, I still mourn the loss. Especially the videos that he had on the phone which recorded messages to me. Those weren't backed up on platforms like fb or youtube so they're pretty much gone forever. Shame on you thief.

2)Our 11 month old dell fell and sent us spiralling down dell hell. Not cool. Everyone seems to be telling us to sell. The repairman came today to replace our entire hardisk after 4 days and left us with no Windows. That effectively means we still can't use the computer and I mourn the loss of my work documents, spreadsheets, and we had to pay $31 just to get them to send the windows patch over because dell has such a special windows thingy we can't even use anyone else's!

3) Some of the precious people in my life are leaving for good and I don't know when I'll ever see them again. According to one of them, the next time we see each other is in heaven.

The Morrisons are so so close to my heart because they were there when I was puking my guts out while anti-depressants flooded my bloodstream. They were there to wipe out other streams of tears and just be friends. We were there when their first child was born and I'm only too sad now that we will not be there for their 2nd or 3rd or 4th child. I am welling up reading this. Chris has been the brother Isaac never had but possibly the best bro in the world. I am afraid that Isaac might never find another Chris. Heck, I'm sure there's no other Chris in the world and I just don't know what we're going to do.

Josh-This boy is leaving us on my birthday, 5 days before the Ms'. It's going to be a long hard week of tears and I need to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Despite being so young, he has been a great inspiration to us and we've learnt so much from him. He brought us so much joy and even packed my impossible-to-pack fridge. Late night suppers (sometimes just fruits), card games and just chatting about nothing at all. Isaac and I have been so blessed to have him around and his buoyant optimism attitude regarding life has been such a wake-up call to me who flips and crumbles at the slightest hint of hardship. Like he always says, ''it's not the end of the world''. I am humbled and ashamed at my whininess and will always remember him in our prayers.

It's too hard to say goodbye.

way too hard.

Wake me up when July is over.

Friday, May 27, 2011

All dressed up with no where to go

Stuffy nose and soul.

My ribs still hurt a great deal and I'm starting to wonder if I'm the third Adam. So which new person got created out of my rib while I slept last night? A friend thinks it highly unlikely that I'm the third Adam but there's always room to doubt.

I spend alot of time fantasizing about prisonbreak ideas. Generally all my fantasies involve being bo chup and just living, something that's clearly not my forte. I would elope all over again with the same person except that he doesn't have enough leave and money is tight "when we travel together". Yah, he mentioned going to Melbourne alone.

I'm not going to call a psychiatrist in the hopes that he will fix my problems. Because a trip to a shrink can buy me an air ticket. When I was merely my parents' rebellious daughter, I ran away at every opportunity and it always involved a plane ticket. Why is it that as I get older, I get poorer and more trapped with worry and boredom?

Why am I the way I am and made to feel sorry as such? Afraid to find out what makes me happy because they seem to all cost money and be deemed frivolous, hence unattainable. And my threshold of disappointment has been maxed out.

Maybe that's why my ribs hurt. Because the shards of my quite crushed heart are trapped within the sinewy flesh that confine it.






Confession

I'm beyond fed up and would do anything to be free from this rut.

5 reasons why I love TCM

1) It seems to suggest that all my problems are rooted in the same few blocked acupoints. If I unblock them through massage, my problems will be resolved! Unlike other schools of thought and religion, there is nothing to do with my flawed temperament, lack of faith and just plain lousy character. Acupoints only!

2)Other remedies are herbal. Yes, that includes human placenta and exhorbitantly priced cordyceps (aka worms attacked by some funky fungus during winter)

3)It almost legitimizes my grumpiness and even justifies it: due to my blocked acupoints, I have not enough 'qi' flowing to my liver which is the control station of my emotions (not amygdala or hippocampus of the brain as I learnt in psych 1101). Therefore, I am emotional (well, they call it depressive psychosis which just totally blew this grumpiness wayyyy out of proportion)

4)All my problems will also go away if I can just burp or fart. To do that, I just have to ingest copious amounts of ginger and press said few acupoints endlessly. This is something I've been doing diligently, as evidenced by almost broken rib cage bone (one acupoint there) and blue-blackish marks on my arms. So, although I look like I've been abused, I'm on the way to being all brand new, chirpy and happy!

5) It doesn't suggest that I have to actually deal with my problems of excessive worrying, emotional baggage etc so I don't have to go through emotional upheavals of confronting issues that bother me. As long as I follow prescribed remedy and get 'qi' flowing well in my body, I will be ALL RIGHT. In fact, the problems are not root causes but mere by-products of 'qi' not flowing to my liver. My crazy nightmares that wake me up at 1.40 am at night with my heart racing are not an indication of unresolved issues from the past, they are just a ruckus that my omnipotent liver created.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Mildly stressed

Somewhat stressed today.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep and the persistent pain on my last rib bone. I'm starting to get really annoyed by it. It feels like something jabbed into that area.

Feeling crabby and snappy. This is totally out of character but I had two hours to spare today in town and I went mad on retail therapy. Damage: enough to get myself a membership to Witchery and bought Isaac an expensive ninja turtles shirt.

Got home to find my ironed and laundered clothes hanging on the arm of my exercise bike. My part time helper gave up trying to stuff them into my full and exploding wardrobe and so they are hanging there while waiting for space to clear up. I think this means I need better space management skills since I'm not getting a bigger house/wardrobe anytime soon. I used to lament that this is a perfectly normal phenomenon (oxymoron alert) because I had to share the same space I had (while at my parents' ) with husband. Today I realized that wardrobe spacewise, I actually have more space now because Isaac's clothes have been relegated to the two-door in the study and I have like 5 panels to myself.

Gulp.

And I still have the ''I don't know what to wear'' disease and I hardly shop!

torn

day 3 of being sick.

My lightning fast brain finally concludes that this isn't sinus.

It's thundering and storming now and while some are cowering in fear under their covers, I actually am marvelling and in awe at this majestic display of power. Like a light show, the whole sky is ablaze with a pinkish orange hue for a grand total of 4 seconds before someone flicks off the switch and renders it dark instead. I almost think it to be romantic to be sitting here in my study alone knowing it's just me and God. I can ignore that just right on this street alone, there are thousands of night owls like me awake and I'm really not that alone afterall. I almost feel cocooned and love.

Somehow I feel so incredibly romanced when I'm alone. Maybe that's why I always wanted to travel alone. My favorite memories include being on the great ocean road alone (on a bus with people but still) under a whole sky light with stars that beam out their greetings from light years away, walking down endless streets soaking in cultures, commuting on trains/trams/buses in Melbourne and HK.

Yes, even Melbourne.

A place where I used to visit once, sometimes twice every year but have gone through two passports now with not a single chop from it's immigration department.

I thought I'd never go back in this lifetime and 2006 was the last of it and it was good riddance to the yarra river, bridge road, vietnamese beef noodles, food tasting on lygon street and scouring for bargains at Target. But the latest conversation with the husband seems to indicate we'll be back. To visit family.

That's where the nerves begin and my run-away tendencies kick into full-drive. Never mind that this means I won't get to Xi-an to fulfil my one chinese city per year quota (excluding HK) . I'm afraid this trip will eradicate my previous beautiful melbourne memories and I really don't fancy sleeping on the couch of someone who hates me.

Just realized that the wallpaper on my iphone is of the great ocean road.

torn.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The other girl

Maybe it's because I'm sick and my mood is as flat as a can of opened soft drink.

While browsing through old photo albums, I noticed that I used to smile like a Cheshire cat. My smile back then spoke volumes of how happy I was, albeit silly and nothing close to the sophistication I yearned to be. In contrast, my photos of late looked jaded, forced and contrived. Eeks.

I like the other girl better. Though I scarcely recognize her to be me.

I hope she comes back soon. In the meantime, no photos please.

A mucus factory

In over production
Mucus-filled tissue bombs (don't mess with me)
Way too early to be awake
Is being an utter brat and craving grandma style childhood porridge
:(

Monday, May 23, 2011

Life as I know it

It's been almost a week since Josh has moved in and despite his fleeting appearances in the house due to a very vibrant social life, he really does feel like our son. (Despite being 6 years younger) It's funny how we never called him a 'little bro' instead. I wonder why.

Husband commented today upon returning home and finding him not at home that we have the ''empty nest syndrome''. And now I think I'm actually going to shed buckets of tears when he goes home. And that we might really never see him again.

This is just a snippet of how I finally found family in what I thought was the most unlikely place-church. Been churched for a loong time since my inception into the kingdom of Christ in 1996 and I never really felt like this until now. The years that I gullibly did bare my soul in the name of accountability, my trust was betrayed and I left with daggers sticking out of my back and gaping wounds in my soul. Though they have since healed, I have never really expected to find family again so the strong kinship that I enjoy now, I am truly truly grateful for.

Beyond being able to be honest and vulnerable (including appearing stupid), I think I finally truly care for these people. When I go about my days, they pop into my mind and at night, I say a prayer for them before I nod off. It sounds all too good to be true I'm almost scared to jinx it. In fact, I'm just scared because I want to keep these people for life (greedily, every single one of them) and I'm only too certain that it is not possible. While the possibility of them turning into monsters and backbiting is significantly lower than that of the other social contexts I've encountered and endured, I think somehow life will just eventually take us in different directions. There will be an eventual gulf of geographical distance..and in time, that will be translated to emotional and spiritual distance. What I can only hope for is that we never become strangers.

I might be a pessimist and it might be too premature to say this but even in the day of technological advancement such as facebook and skype, it will just never be the same. I remember crying buckets when I left a previous job knowing that a beloved colleague and I might actually never get to see each other again. She lives in Sweden and it is too expensive for either of us to visit each other, especially now that she is a mum. We tried to keep in touch and and correspond regularly as we can't skype due to the time difference. However, it just wasn't the same and the frequency eventually waned. Same goes for the girls I grew up with in school. Life after school dismantled and diluted some of the strongest bonds as we tried to navigate the unfamiliar terrain of varsity life in different continents (even faculties) and make new friends. Then we headed off to work and sleepovers and late night suppers became a relic of history. The cornerstones of our friendships were eroded and even though we try our utmost best to stay connected and I have the assurance that they really are just a phonecall away, I can't help but mourn the demise of sharing everyday life together.

Geographical distance means we cannot lunch together, laugh with each other (and laugh at each other). The girls might marry off to distant lands, the guys might get relocated or called to mission fields. The expats might go home or head to lands with better prospects. Even though I sometimes feel that Isaac and I are stuck and rooted, I too cannot guarantee that we'll be here forever; that this will be the final resting place for us and that though rooted now, we will never be uprooted; that though Singapore will always be home, we will never be residents in another land.

It is all too transient, too brief. While I grieve at this, I must rejoice too. For I have been so extremely blessed to have had the honor of having so many wonderful people in my life and have so many of them love me. I do not deserve them and they're walking evidences of God's grace and love for me.

Thank you Jesus.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Surrogate family

Just realized that I've never bared my soul like that and laughed so heartily for a long time. The old familiar yet elusive warmth is back. God truly does set the solitary in families.

In this short span of 1+years, I've shared life and even snippets of my past with these people and it feels like I've known them forever.

Amazing and it never fails to leave me in awe coz not too long ago, I had given up of ever finding a group of people that I could be completely comfortable with and safe with. In the past, I was always surrounded by people but yearned to be alone. The tables have since turned and now I'm sharing life and heart with them. Somehow, I know god is smiling down on us when he sees us.

I look at myself and don't know what I have to offer this group of precious people but I just pray that someday somehow that god uses me to bless them. Love them so much.

Thank you Jesus. We love you too. May our live for each other bring you delight and glory. And when others look at us love each other, they'll know that we truly are disciples of Jesus.

Friday, May 20, 2011

"so many friends I lost along the way"

Thanks for staying on and bearing with me. Especially the husband and the long service ones. You guys deserve medals.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Note to self: don't overeat

My stomach is making too much noise for this hour.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Tuesday in disguise

Feels like a Saturday today despite being a Tuesday. I forgot to do the usual Tuesday load of laundry and now I'm wondering how tomorrow and Thursday will work out now.

I have been so 'out of sorts' I thought there's church tomorrow (if tomorrow was a Sunday), that I should go and get the papers and 8 days etc. I'm so out of sorts I didn't realize I broke a cup and spilled a drink on myself until everyone starting wiping frantically and I heard someone go " it's ok it's ok!!".

The only time I can go anywhere is when I dream and I didn't realize I've ended up daydreaming like I used to in classes and letting my thoughts take me on a destinationless journey, reminiscent of physics classes in mgs. I dream endlessly needlessly and I'm ready to take off.

What I need

More oxygen
A holiday in a nice temperate climate
Painkillers
Aromatherapy
Grilled sambal fish with loads of lime and piping hot aaa thai jasmine rice
Freedom
Purpose

And I'll be fine.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Musings from a free lance housewife

While cooking yesterday, the sauce that I was trying to add to my dish was too viscous and taking a long time to trickle out of the bottle. Impatient, I wanted to just shake the bottle without measuring the quantity and douse the meat with it. The recipe said : 2 tablespoons.

At that exact moment, I heard the soft whisper of the Lord in my spirit telling me that the sauce is likened to emotions. Without it, the dish (likened to our life) will be tasteless and bland. However, we must learn how to master, control and measure our emotions in order to have a successful dish. Neither too much or too little of it. With that, I patiently waited for the thick liquid body of flavour travel to my spoon, measured out exactly two tablespoons and added it to the meat.

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit. It is a by-product, not something I conjure up with my flesh and will.

My prayer today is that this fruit be granted to me as I learn to walk and delight in Him. And may the by product of this fruit be more seed for a greater harvest. May Jesus truly be glorified in my life as a result.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Digression from elections

Listened to Carter Conlon speak about rev wilkerson. Should never have started listening this late at night coz before I realized it, I had 4 steady streams of tears coursing down my face. So want to be there in NYC on may 15 to say goodbye and thank you. It would mean so much to me. Apart of me believes he will be attending the ceremony too and he will finally hear from the spiritual child he never knew he had from Singapore.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Joshua 6:18

Joshua 6:18

""Do not take any of the things set apart for destruction, or you yourselves will be completely destroyed, and you will bring trouble on the camp of Israel."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Josh6.18.NLT



Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I wished dreams didn't come true

Some time ago, I can't remember how long..I woke up with my heart racing because I dreamt David Wilkerson, a personal hero died in a car accident.

Today, that dream came true.

Some half a day later, I am still in unbelief and shock. When I watch the news report and re-read the last email devotional sent in my inbox, I feel nothing but grief.

Been praying in between the episodes of conciousness and I think I almost saw an angel snatch him out of the wreck before the collision occured and it happened so quickly he just found himself in Jesus' arms in the twinkling of an eye.

Now, tell me that's true.

David wilkerson's last devotional

He died in a car accident after writing this and went home to be with the lord. My soul is deeply grieved today and this grief has overshadowed everything else. 

First, it does not make sense at all. Secondly, this was one man whose devotionals sustained me during my lowest moments as I struggled in confusion. His life inspired me. Unwavering trust in the midst od great trials. 

Now I can only imagine and glorious the crown handed to him will be by Jesus. I can imagine the moment even as I pray comfort for his ailing wife and family. 

David Wilkerson has finished the journey and gone home! His great prize awaits him. 

Begin forwarded message:

From: DAVID WILKERSON TODAY <no-reply@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Date: April 27, 2011 3:02:12 PM GMT+08:00
To: devotions-en@lists.worldchallenge.org
Subject: WHEN ALL MEANS FAIL
Reply-To: devotions@davidwilkerson.org

David Wilkerson Today

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2011

WHEN ALL MEANS FAIL

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most
acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, "You have believed because you have seen,
but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen" (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to
prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of
all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems
inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan's hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger,
overwhelming questions: "Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no
tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted."

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: "Prayer failed. Faith
failed. Don't quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn't
pay!"

Even questioning God's existence will be injected into your mind. These have
been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who
ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping
will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon
hear the Father whisper, "I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but
one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was
no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in
your hour of pain."

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means
fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word.
There is no other hope.