me and my time. in case you've been wondering.

its been quite a few harrowing nights of very little sleep and my body is just worn out but my mind is still working overtime. i will never fail to be amazed at how patient God is and how i still manage to allow myself to get frustrated over certain things that in hindsight are worthless and not even worth a mention here. like some disgusting gross self righteous swine. OOPS.

i've actively deprived myself of rest and i only have myself to blame. i let my mind work overtime so much so that my body is screaming many silent pleas begging me to stop. i will attempt that..soon. int he past few days, thru a series of incidents, i've seen a deeper uglier side of me that still is unwilling to trust anything. i don't know when i ever really became like these but trust is a big thing for me. and it should be. i can count on one hand the people i trust and even so not entirely. like how i doubt even Him who gave His life for me that in His death i may live. pls tell me i'm not the only one and sometime in your life, you've been there. anyhows, i'm not discouraged anymore by the ugliness i see in me. i'm so used to it. i'll just keep on being amazed at His goodness and patience and incredible threshold to bear with me.

there has been so much and i have been feeling like every minute of my life is so precious. i'm not just heading for the destination but actively savouring the bits and pieces of the journey and every minute detail. today will be gone by tomorrow and it will never return. what i make out of it is important. there are plenty of second chances but i'm way past the stage whereby i wanto burn time like i'm immortal. yes, i'll live forever but why do i wanto live hedonistically when there is so much awaiting me.not just to do but to enjoy savour and cherish.

so pls understand if you ever think i'm too protective of my time. especially of late. and because of all these, i can't bring myself to attend things that i consider a waste of time and am extra selective of what i choose to give my time to, AND the people i choose to occupy my time with. unlike before, i can no longer sit at a big meeting with people generally uninterested in each other's lives apart from their recent purchases at the Great sg sale. i don't patronize anymore because i've long snapped out of the gnawing bondange of obligation.i need intimacy, encouragement support and love. especially in a time such as this whereby a new chapter in my life is unfolding. i entertain doubts too and i need the right people in the right kingdom to point me in the right direction when its all foggy. i have no problems just spending time quiet and alone or even shopping with my loved ones. i just cannot bringmyself to try and bear with you if you have zero interest in me in the first place. and don't blame yourself...the feeling is very mutual. i have too many people to love in too little time and i oso need time for myself..whereby i replenish my supply of love and manah from my God whose name is Jesus.

nobody these days seem to regard alone time with God as being a valid reason to not be disturbed or interrupted anymore. suits you. but don't count me in. i'm the oddball from the start anyway.

and that aside, people whom i've recently given alot of my time too, i hope you know how precious each of you are to me. i count myself truly rich because i have you people in my heart and life. of coz there are otherp eople who i'll gladly give my time too but well...you guys have been too busy!

ive got toomuch to blog about but too little words. im learning so much, seeing so much and experiencing so much.

gone, like yesterday is gone
like history is gone
the world keeps spinning on
you're going going gone
like saturday is gone
just trying to prove me wrong
you pretend like you're immortal

life is more than money
time was never money

every moment that we borrow
brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
hey bono, i'm glad you asked
life is still worth living, still worth living

-Gone
switchfoot

fortnightlyupdate.

so much has happened in the past two weeks since i've been back. but nothing really worthy of documenting until now. relatively good journey until last friday. i think thats really the turning point of my life.

on friday life really stepped up to a whole new level. i thought that its been relatively good and i've been enjoying quite a good walk with the Lord on my own. infact just when i thought it has never been better friday upstaged it all. i can only say this much because i really can't put it down in words. besides, its way too personal. actually it all happened during the commercial break while watching cold case when He spoke to me and unraveled so much and i felt like.."my life is really starting now". yes..moreof such milestones to come and i know this wun be the only moment whereby i think to myself.."wow..lifeis really starting now!" but this is truly a new level of life that i have never experienced before. maybe i caught glimpses of it here and there but never like this before. of coz i am exhilarated and i can repeat myself 10000 times over and still feel the same excitement and joy. its a liberation like never before and theres only God to thank.

i feel like a whole new person. i vaguely remember the times whereby i felt so thrilled to get a material blessing when i trusted God..and it did happen so many times(even when i don't think much of it or prayed at all)..been blessed with things i cannot afford in the natural. somehow all that changed and no matter how much i had, what expensive gifts i received which i knew i wanted...i was searching for somethingmore. i no longer relish the 5 second joy that i get from receiving something so miraculously. the 'life an dlife more abundantly' had to be much more than this and now i'm on the tip of the iceberg uncovering more. but at least im on the iceberg!and thats a milestone by itself. the gifts still fall from nowhere as tokens of His love but at the end of the day..they are just TOKENS. i came to a place whereby my room/wardrobe is bursting but i'm all dry and empty and all ready to catch fire. like a dry twig. a gift spree can only make me happy for that long and at the end of the day, there's still life to face and love to give and receive and i need more than that to sustain me. oh no don't get me wrong, don't withhold the wonderful gifts but i'm on to something new. CANAAN maybe.i need more than that and because i'm entitled to a relationship with the living God who calls me HIS OWN CHILD..i am going to find it all and have it all. maybe it'll take a lifetime but its ok. i'm all for it. life really took on a new focus and dimension. and this is just a little gist of it. there is so much more i can'tblog about.

revolution

there is a revolution going on that i'm involved in. infact, its all about me. its to rid thekingdom of egypt (worldliness) and other strongholds such as fear and worry out of the temple marked #me. these forces attempt to control my decisions and emotions and try to steal my joy.

the revolution is powerful and all i have to do is ..basically nothing. its initiated by a powerful force that creates and in death gave me an abundance of life. the revolution might take a long time but because i'm not in charge, things are going very well. sometimes its painful, but in the pain, sweet success awaits me. joy is before me. sometimes its hard to watch especially when i see the ugliness in me, and the very abundance of it. sometimes i have to confront it but i always have victory over it. its said time and again that grace is not a license to sin although it gives you complete liberty but what it gave me is the liberty to obey God and to live a life of holiness. i'm not there yet and i hav eplenty of short fuse days among many other things but while the progress is not as fast as it should be, the results are definitely positive.

till His kingdom come, my revolution might very possibly nv end. thats what going from glory to glory is all about afterall.and i will be patient.so be patient with me. and be patient with the ongoing constructive work of the King. it is a revolution that enforces the new order of the finished work and new covenant in my life and i gladly await more of it everyday.

the run away bride nightmare.

ok.last night's dream was truly truly scary.

i dreamt that i had a fight with isaac or something so iwent to marry someone else in anger. and the groom here is a tall skinny ah beng. i know at least half of sg fit that description so pls dun harbor any funny ideas. it'll just drive me even crazier.

yah so the skinny ah beng was very nice to me and my wedding was held at the hdb void deck. and i remember exactly wat i was wearing and how myhair was done. but suddenly while walking down the aisle (corridor), i got chicken feet and i realised i cannot do this to spite someone else. so i took off an dran and ran. i remember panting from the running in the sun with the heavy wedding dress. yes...it felt soooo real.so i ran and ran and decided to take refuge at my aunty's house. den i called my gd friend to tell her wat happened..somehow she din attend the wedding because she knew i was marrying thewrong groom or something like that. then i called isaac to tell him how sorry i was. den he cam eto meet me..but the skinny ah beng found us!and threw a telephone at isaac...i intercepted the 'blow' and fainted. as i blacked out, i woke up fr my dream.

i've had many runaway brides dreams fr the past. i was even there before julia roberts. but it went away for a long long time. gah. go away away !!!

Missing...

i seem to be always missing somebody something someplace etc.

that happens when u live ina mobile society

or when u're called to move.

abraham must have missed alot of things and pple when God asked him to move away fr his comfort zone and only take his wife with him and nothing else. he wanted a souvenir so badly he brought Lot who brought him nothing but a LOT of trouble.

i miss my friends whom i don't get to meet often either because we lead such busy lives or we're separated by the oceans. when im anywhere else other than home, i miss home and loved ones here sorely. it never ends. i get attached to so many things so easily and while memories fade to almost complete oblivion, i still end up missing simply because...and i don't know why.

i used to get so attached to my grandma that even when she were to go out for half an hour to buy bread, i would be crying. its not so bad these days. i love being alone so much but somehow, i still end up missing something someone.

to all those i miss who now reside in far flung places....well, i miss you. even if i havent seen/talk to you for what seems like forever.

i don't think i'll ever really get used to not seeing certain faces on a regular basis. and i don't think i'll ever stop being delighted and then being at a loss for words when i do eventually meet up with them.

time is short on earth and thank God we have eternity..in heaven.where i know all of you will go, at the end of your life. i pray every time my random thoughts wander off to you you and you. and while everyone is far away, God's omniscient and...when He finds you, let me know. coz i've been praying.

This road -ginny owens

A million miles from anything familiar
a thousand places i'd rather be
so i choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
though i find it hard to see beyond my suffering
in my heart i know Your plan is so much bigger
but this small part is all i can see
and i believe You haven't left me here to wander
still i can't help but ponder where You are leading me

and i ask why this road
why this way and this load
tell me how far i must go
til i see
til i know why this road

a million miles away from anything familiar
what was it like to be so far from home
and though you came in love, the world misunderstood You
there must have been some days when You felt so alone
but You endured because there was joy before You
joy that came because you sacrificed
since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me
truly i can trust You'll lead me, through my darkest time

From here I can not see why You'd choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why

You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
Til I
I know why this road

up and above -fresh fr down under

i think its either that time passes very slowly in australia or its just that way coz my heart is at home. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed myself and i think the trip is worth every penny.(except my really tiny hotel room which made me feel like i was in a hotel in japan instead) really experienced the hand of God on my entire itinery and its amazing.

i would gladly let the pictures speak for itself if i could. but alas, my IT skills are still rudimentary so well. but i CAN post them on flickr! just not so soon. i'm still tired and recovering.

inspite of their reputation for unpredictable weather (ie 4 seasons in 1 day), everything worked out fine for me and didn't interfere with any sightseeing or SHOPPING plans. its amazing. everyone expected cold weather for the blue mountains and God really made the sun come out for me. when we went there, everything was clear and sunny and beeyooteeful. so i basically brought my thick fat parka for nothing. for the great ocean road tour, it really blew me away. when i woke up in the morning, there was a hugee downpour that nearly dampened my spirits but by the time the tour started, the rain cleared. andguess wat..we even saw a rainbow!truly beautiful. thank you Jesus. and at one stop which is the london bridge i believe, we were allowed 45 mins for photos, but somehow, although we had 20 mins left, my cousin and i decided to board the bus fast and the minute we did, it started pouring. i truly believe He held the rain for me just so i wouldn't get wet and catch a chill. many such incidents followed. and every little thing that demonstrates just how much He loves me humbles me so much. -gratified-unfortunately, there were many pple who were soaked because they wandered really far off. the ocean, the scenery truly overwhelms me. half the time my jaw is hanging (do not imagine!) because of the magnificence and the beauty. i can go on and on but still do no justice to what my eyes feasted on. and to think my Father in heaven was responsible for it. i'm so proud. everytime i see an ocean, songs depicting the father's love being wider than the ocean truly takes root and becomes real. coz its so vast and you just see no end to it and there and then, i honestly wantedto fall down o nmy knees and weep.

of coz, i had my fair share of getting lost even (but that's nothing out of the ordinary) though i'm armed with a very good map. and embarassing incidents. sigh. yes, i did it again. all over again. i'll just blog abt just one, coz the other, i still blush at the mention of it. my tendency to like break things nv went away. it was just dormant. i remember breaking bus handles in sg but down there, we took trams so not much handles. so i found my niche in the supermarket. went there to buy starburst, a brand of candy at the local supermarket and you know how each packet hangs on hooks..well, i took one out and and the hook kinda well, dislodged. so it was just hanging precariously there with a few packets ofcandy. and i remember my cousin saying, "okok..dun touch it anymore" but i just had to HELP those poor candy packets and i tried to remove them and put them somewhere elsesafe. in the process, the whole thing came apart and like everything came crashing down. oh well. so..being the smart singaporean, i ran away.


ok the shopping was quite dismal coz they either dun have my size whent hey're selling cheap summer stuff OR they are selling winter clothes or its just too expensive altogether coz now GST is 10 % there. yup. so i spent alot of money buying underwear (fr the childrens section!) (thanks cali!) , make up (alot alot of makeup) ANDDD *drumroll* toiletries!i love the sanitary pads and shampoos that are so not available. so whil ei know of pple who make their monthly trip to ppl's park in chinatown for that, i guess my stop for toiletries is just further down south. i came back with a grand total of 8 bottles of shampoo and conditioner and 4 bottles of hair treatment products. yes i'm obsessed. (hello cali.obsession takes diff forms =))

but but BUT the highlight of it all must be the superb company. was so glad to meet jon and cali. they so made melb worth visiting. no, i don't mean that in a bad way but i didn't have plans originally to include melb in my itinery but i'm so glad i went. even those few short days were so worth it. i haven't seen cali for ages and jon, the last time hez back, it was way too short. they took precious time out fr busy schedules to take me and my cousin around and were brought out to so many factory outlets. and it was only with them that iate good food. (yes, jon!oporto is GOOD FOOD!) so much fun and laughter but way too short. i enjoyed Him and my precious friends and cousin so much for awhile , it almost pains to be reminded that i was only stopping in melb for 4 days. idefinitely wanto go back again, if not just for the toiletries and make up, its them.haha.=)

thanks cali and jon, for your wonderful wonderful company, even if i din buy a single bottleof shampoo or wand of mascara or head out to those fantastic factory outlet stores, you guys made melb so worth it. thanks for being my guide so i wun get too lost taking trams.i love both of you and i can't wait for you all to be back!i appreciate everything so so much.

p/s. btw, the flights were like super gross lah. BA should just go fly kite.

before i leave..

somehow it always happens.

i get all excited about a trip, i plan and plan and plan. den i get frustrated with the planning and coordinating and then i get excited again. den when the day approaches,i get really sorrowful coz isaacs not coming along. and when its the 'enter departure gate' moment, it gets even worse. i'll just be bawling. even though it is only..one week.

don't laugh at me. i really cannot not miss him. even if its going to be a whole week of fun with my cousin. i can't wait to come home already. sometimes right after i board the plane, i wish it'd take me straight home. back into his arms. but well, everytime it brings me to another continent. surprise surprise.

==============================================================
i used to have to try so hard to conceal my endless weaknesses that i put on such a false strong front. and it really is painful coz behind the darth vadar mask, i'm coughing and messed up. literally. a bawling mess. i've always had this insecurity about being vulnerable and its a horrible complex that i've lived with since young. it was just wrong to cry, to bare your emotions. in primary school, i nv even shed a single tear in school. all through 6 years, no matter how afraid, upset i was.

then now i think theres a mighty restoration. coz i can't control my tear ducts and i cry so erm..easily. i flooded the cinema even before titanic sank. and its been truly embarassing but somehow although i often feel embarassed after the bout of freeflow tears, i feel so much more comfortable with myself and secure overall.

now i can truly revel in my weaknesses and still be confident that His strength will manifest. i can boast of His strength and trust in that alone which is a surer foundation than the minute vestige of my own strength that i try to hard to cling on to. thank God its a futile attempt.

grace is so amazing. it frees you to obey God. not to live licentiously according to the desires of the flesh. and it empowers you to such an extent by His strength that you can truly be yourself and not fear condemnation or rejection.

overseas call

its best to put things down in black and white

me: huh?why you cook spaghetti also must tell me?cook lah!
friend: no.....fioewfag;jgwajgjjl ( stuff i can't really hear and kept hearing as "can i cook spaghetti?" or "can you cook spaghetti?"
me: ???

later on i found out it was.."can you buy something for me?"