It feels like God is late for His appointment with me.

He is always on time. I just ran out of patience having been bred in this society that values speed.

It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.

Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.

Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.

I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.

I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.

Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.

I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.



While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

John Waller-While I'm waiting

i've cleaned out my ears!

what was said: raynard's going to be a dad

what I heard: dinner is going to be bad?

what was said: i'm going for lasik

what I heard: i'm going to malaysia

what was said: aloysius means warrior

what i heard: aloysius means boring

what was said: take this bread and eat (during holy communion)

what I heard: take this brandy

the sad thing is..i think there'll be more of such posts

The battle rages on

The war's not won.

Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.

Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.

It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.

I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.

Josh Groban - To Where You Are

For a friend. Whose mum recently left for heaven.

Why

This must the first impulse and response when things are inexplicable beyond belief and pain is ripping hearts apart.

The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.

But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.

[MV] JJ Lin - 第幾個100天 [english sub]

this is quite something.