10 days old

His umbilical cord stump just fell out. 

As usual, I just wanto bawl.

Last few hours

It's finally almost here!! The big countdown. 

My body got the memo all right. I'm leaking colostrum. It's also one of the last few times I get to fart on baby. (He jumps whenever I fart) and the movements area starting to feel really low down!

Can't wait to meet him!! 

4 more days

I'm really looking forward to seeing him. 

But things at home are so upsetting and im beset with fear. 

Just praying for a safe delivery and that he will be healthy. 

And that no matter what, I celebrate him and will always love him 

Last 10 days

Mummy can't sleep.

There's a lot of discomfort and gastric.

These are the last 10 days with you living in the ball as a ball. Most importantly, we will see and hug you soon but these are the last 10 days we will be together 24-7.

You'll have your own room and own cot. Thinking of it is making me cry. I love you so much and can't wait to kiss your pouty face but even the next room seems too far.

Last 10 days

Mummy can't sleep.

There's a lot of discomfort and gastric.

These are the last 10 days with you living in the ball as a ball. Most importantly, we will see and hug you soon but these are the last 10 days we will be together 24-7.

You'll have your own room and own cot. Thinking of it is making me cry. I love you so much and can't wait to kiss your pouty face but even the next room seems too far.

Confessions.

I wanto run away with my child. No one will miss me although if they were ever scared about losing me, then maybe they should be nicer. 

I wish it's just him and me. It won't be easy but well, here we are held hostage by a physically and emotionally absent daddy who has enough eq to allow our maid to power play against us when she was hired to help us.

VillainiZed me infront of her when she already had disrespect for me despite me paying her salary. Said his heart is no longer here. I already knew

I have no confidence at all that this marriage will work out.

Don't want to fight when nate is around. Want nate well. Need a job and help. 

And even though we are desperate, we are not accepting volunteers to be his father. It's a single parent job. 

Sorry nate, I failed you. Already a

Tornatedo

Like tornado.

The right man

I don't really have a clue how but I want Nathanael to be the right man. For his wife and his children. That he will use his strength for them and not on them, have every inch of his heart covered with thoughts and love for them, take care of them in practical ways even when it's inconvenient or costs so much. 

Because I've loved two wrong men in this lifetime and there is so much attached suffering. I want him to have the best but also be the best for that special someone. 

The first person I ever gave my heart to spent the first part of our lives lying and stringing me along while having one foot in a previous relationship. He eventually came back and we tried and tried but the trust was so irrevocably shattered it was too late. Too much heartbreak and at some point, I thought I'd never get over it.

My second and final love is my husband. He is kind but like many Singaporean men, stuck in adolescence and cannot really grow up. He tries but sprouts childish spiteful words. He wants to be a dad but can't willingly lay down the prerogatives of freedom. I have had a hard time coping physically and emotionally because I feel completely insecure that I have no support and am dependent financially. 

Which is why Nate must learn above all else to have tools to build a strong family. For that, he needs God and so many others to come along and guide him. We don't have fantastic role models but I will do my best. 

For his own sake and for future generations and that daughter in law. 

Blues

It was midnight and I had acid reflux causing me to throw up. I switched on the lights in a hurry to get to the loo, to contain damage and I got a wail and a protest because I kept switching on the lights and the husband couldn't sleep. 

Then as no help came and I continued making a mess throwing dinner up, suddenly there was a bang and I was shut in with no ventilation "to keep the lights out".

When I was done, I just stood there to cry. Did I mention it was a lonely journey? 

Now I'm full of resolve that I'm never raising a man who puts his needs above all else and is sensitive and kind to is wife. 

Some days, in moments like these, I'm convinced, if not for the beauty of Nathanael that I married the wrong person. 

35+3

Ok seriously not fun already. Feels like I'm inconveniencing the world and some don't hesitate to confirm my thoughts.

Today's ctg scan was a nightmare. I could barely get up and while in it, my back and hips hurt so bad it's still hurting 14 hours later. I hope I get sleep tonight coz last night was spent contracting. I dunno how frequent coz I was so tired and didn't time it only to wake up this morning to find blood on my undies. Hauled myself to hospital and had trouble getting out of cab coz of discomfort. 

The nerve wrecking feeling is the worst. I'm dreading the scan on Monday(scheduled) 

I'm still 1.5 weeks to full term so despite the pain, I really don't want him out yet.

34 weeks + 6 days

Had too eventful a weekend filled with scares and I hope for no more repeats until 26 nov which is what we scheduled for his debut.

Whole jargon of feelings now from confusion to anxiety. I feel absolutely alone in this and I wanto be the best I can for him but how...

Feelings of inadequacy just keep eating me up when I'm already battling physical ailments and discomforts. Husband is well..yet to come out of his reverie and really take this elephant of fatherhood by the tusks. He's somewhere still transmitting between adolescence and adulthood and I'm so scared that Nate will come to no father. 

I'm so excited to meet him but I think I'm I'm the only one. Days are getting longer and nights shorter with rest elusive.i hope he will be celebrated because he's my gift and my miracle. I love him so much! 

32 weeks + update

It doesn't get easier but the end is in sight. Happiest news include that I might be 10 days more advanced than believed so dday might be sooner. Yesterday was bad and I cannot imagine 6 weeks more of that. 

Have been driven to the brink of tears and crawled back so many times over.

Now, I count my blessings at 653 am. Feeling his knee rise against my skin and having the thigh stretched out against my rib etc. these moments I'll always cherish..but won't con me into thinking of second child. 

I love this boy so much it's like my heart is bursting. 

I cannot wait to hold him. 

Cannot take it anymore (again)

Pregnancy is already hard enough with elusive sleep and a hosts of discomforts. 

Then, you get pressure from the self-professed omniscient mother-in-law.

Then the convenience of texting means she gets to flood your text inbox with a flurry of essays on what to do and what not to do. That's not it..then there's the Australian agenda. Then there's the 12 am message to check if you have fish sauce. Because that's really impt, more impt than your sleep and sanity. Then she says that she's coming more often.

Breakdown. 

30 going on 31 weeks

Lying on a tennis ball to soothe achy muscles.

So fat I nearly burst my husbands' boxers. (I wear his clothes at home) 

Baby who has been kicking so much since 5 am this morning-sleep deprived mum. 

What is baby doing?

Massage lady asked me that.  

"reading a book?"

All she wanted to know if if he was kicking at that moment but I was too in pain to think. 

Oops. 

Home stretch

I could hardly walk yesterday. I think I suddenly exploded and found it hard to catch my breath. Legs hurt too.

Today I tried to time how long I took to et to the supermarket. It usually took 5 minutes but today, I took 20. 

It's getting really hard to get comfortable and this is my latest pillow formation. 

The inhabitant inside me, aka my son is also making more violent movements inside me. We can even see him moving and squirming right under my skin. That's really fun except for the rib punches which leave me breathless. Occasionally, I can identify either an elbow or fist. 

Home stretch now. Hope I get to enjoy the last part of my pregnancy. It's been hard and I've made so many social appointments for the last week and I hope I can waddle along well! 

Nobody really knows

I don't know how to put it into words too. 

I don't know how to ever tell anyone how hard this pregnancy has been and how I really don't have the courage to do it all over again. It is an incredibly lonely journey. I feel it won't be right for my first born and second because I'm not strong enough for it. Been to the edge so many times and back and suffice to say, I'm traumatized. 

I've really expanded all my resources just to get through everyday and I thank God for each day and try not to dwell on the difficult parts but it hardly gets easier. 

Baby N, I love you so much and I still feel inadequate to be your mum. I am weak and every day, I won't have the strength to get through if not for God who supplies grace and the will to soldier on for you. 

I hope I get better at this because you deserve the best. 

Oops is when

When you fart and your husband thought it was the sound of a drill..😨

Blessings amidst darkness

I have to write this down lest I forget. 

My friends are the best and they lend me emotional and practical support like offering to get food and groceries when we are tied down with a husband with a bad case of tonsillitis and a distressed and pregnant wife.

We have zero support from family and though I lament and grieve, I will look at the blessings I do have and remember I'm not alone. 

Our most generous gift yet...

Isaac has never had fantastic spatial intelligence and I can only hope it is this skill is being honed with his new hobby, skating.

In Singapore, driving licenses are a bane and he hasn't got one. In fact, he failed his last test so spectacularly I won't even elaborate. Driving is also mega expensive here with cars costing approximately $100k sgd. You get to use a first-hand car for 10 years before you have to pay an exorbitant sum again. It's too much of a hassle to elaborate about this crazy system here and the cost of driving with tolls and parking.

I used to grow up wondering how people survived without a car. Then I got married and found it impossible to ever afford one.

Then yesterday, amidst our stress with work and life, we got a gift of..a car.

It only has one year left on its lifespan/COE but that is still a very very generous gift.

Only problem: Isaac has no license and I refuse to drive being 6.5 months pregnant and still puking! It is insane to imagine puking on your dashboard and being safe on the roads while you're having a puky spell. 

Economically, as we live at the fringe of town, it costs us a mere $6-$10 by cab to town whereas it would cost $20 parking. When I was living off my parents', I would take the car to go to town and get the shock of my life whenever I chose to spend more time roaming around and parking at expensive malls that accommodated my horrible parking skills with big spacious lots. My parking used to be more expensive than my meals. So, this works out to $100 a month if I go to town once a week (including toll) just to go to town whilst I would have spent only $40 by cab. $60 might not be a huge sum to pay for convenience but now that we are on a single income and have a kid and a full-time helper, every cent saved counts!

I am very grateful for the gesture nonetheless even though I was cynical enough to think, given the nature of my relationship and understanding of my in-laws that these came with HUGE ROPES attached and a debt of gratitude I can never pay. I think I was also too proud to receive and eat humble pie. I also entertained the thought that I might not have received it if it was a girl I was expecting due to the strong gender bias.

Well, of course this is merely speculation and whatever the reason is, it was generous. We might utilise it when the baby is born simply because of the convenience factor of ferrying a new born around. Isaac of course welcomes these gestures from his parents with open arms but I'm scared that it'll be leverage against me when they want to run our lives or insist on parenting the baby a certain way. I almost am worried that it'll become a bribe for them to barge into our lives without boundaries. Also, I feel bad that Isaac's sister gets the short end of the stick when it comes to gifts and inheritance and I have strongly urged him many times not to accept and perpetuate the gender bias unless we are allowed to split huge gifts evenly with the sister. She has every right to it and should be given her fair share.

Well, I have to really think and pray through this and I'm glad we still have some time before we accept the offer.

Quite miserable

Post war battle scars

Retched all the way till 2 am and when I woke up at 6, I had blood spots and bruises all over my face, trauma spits from the heard retching. :(

I hope it heals soon.

Puking Sunday part 2

Trying to aim directly at the toilet bowl with huge projectile puke and what feels like spasms in the stomach is extremely hard especially when one can't bend over perfectly. 

When I retch and my stomach tightens, my whole face turns red and I feel tears just stream down uncontrollably. The force is just too strong for my not-so-little stomach.

On top of that, I've been juggling trying to help husband with work crunch. Slept at 3 am and 5 hours later, I was up.

I must say that I was rather productive despite all that retching. Only downside is that I feel incredibly weak and a little dizzy after that. Carpal tunnel doesn't help with all that desk work too. 

We are back to the grind in another 20 minutes. Hopefully we will be done with these by Wednesday. 

Puke Sunday

Today.

Miserable. 

Hungry. 

Tired. 

Let's just say I hate the Mac

I hope you are reading this, apple.

I am incensed.

We are already going through a stressful period and working butts off on weekends. I have chipped in to help Isaac in my heavy state with little sleep and despite saving and printing previous versions, you lost our file that we worked on for 6 hours. We switched almost every windows device to apple and this is how you repay us.

We spent the next hour trying to hunt it down but it was definitely saved and we even have hard copy proof. 

I then re-typed. 

Thank God I'm a fast Typer. I've been winning typing competitions since I was 9 and my dad forced me to type perfectly, among many other skills like..balance, sail, swim and I was terrible at those but I typed well! Thank God and I can sing praises now now but we win!! 

I panicked and felt cramps. Baby kicked hard and I...switched back to an old windows laptop. 

Upon checking with the forums, we realized others had similar problems a and they were never remedied.

I am so disappointed with you! I am going to eat a pear!! 

Distressed

Very distressed n trying to be calm and helpful. 

Plans for 2015

On days like this, I just want to burrow my head into the ground and wait till everything blows over before I wake up.

Since 6pm, it has been a slew of bad news, one after the next. I was confiding in my mum that I can't take the pressure much longer and sometimes I wonder to God why in the world am I at the brunt of someone elses' bad decisions. I recalled times whereby I made mistakes that badly affected others and knew that I too, was forgiven and recalled the relief I felt.

It is so hard.

Have to try my hardest by His grace to get through it even as the storm is brewing and to hide safely in the eye of the storm under his wings. All I want is for baby to be safe and sound and I know that when I'm stressed, it affects him too. I can feel him kicking harder during moments where my heartbeat increases. I also had my spotting incidents during times when I'm most stressed or sleep deprived. These might be coincidences but stress has never had a positive effect on any living being and I want to protect him the best I can.

From the looks of it, I am mentally preparing myself to reorganize life such that perhaps some months after birth, after getting the helper settled and independent, I can return to the workforce. It is less than ideal and I weep at the idea of it because I really gave up my dream in retail and a high paying job with huge prospects (though family unfriendly) to be his mom full time. Now, as I don't have the most stable financial support from my husband, I have to be that for my son and that means, I can't be home for as long I want to.

The money we have will last us quite awhile thankfully and we do have some support from my parents. Based on these estimation, I can start applying somewhere around June next year and hopefully by year end, I'd be employed. My ideal job now is not a fast paced, big salary job with plenty of perks including free travel. I just want one that pays the bills, allows us to save and most importantly, allows me to be a mum. I want to see daylight and be the one who puts him to sleep. I want to wake up to nurse him and not have to drop him for a crisis at work that consists of staff not turning up or a sharp percentage drop in profits for the month.

It sounds selfish but I really want more than anything to be with him. If I can come up with a work-from-home solution, that would be ideal. Otherwise, I'm open to teaching part-time in lecturing situations or teaching tuition. These will not earn me the bucks I used to make but it will allow me to not compromise too much being with him. Lecturing in particular is close to my heart too and I can apply the skills I gained from 10 years in retail. They run courses 2x a week and have holidays too. While the money is just enough to get by, it allows me to only work at night for night classes when he is asleep twice a week. It might be a lack of faith in God and I'm open to be ridiculed for being a lousy christian for that but I do need some financial assurance. With the husband's job being very unstable and vascillating in the wind with no sign of surety or light at the end of the tunnel, it is only prudent for me to take up arms and hold up the fort to fight for baby.

Baby N, I hope you'll forgive me and continue to grow up strong and healthy if I do have to return to work. I promise you that I'll try my best to find the best job possible to allow us to be together as often as possible and you'll always be first place and not the job. I'm very sorry our original plan to be together doesn't seem to feasible now but we will work something out. I only want the best for you because you are the best thing that happened to me.

Now, I promise you I'll try my best to rest, eat and grow you well in-utero. You just stay put, kick happily away and only surface at 38 weeks when Dr Lim will open me up to receive you. You're not allowed to come any earlier and I promise I'll rest so that you get the best conditions to grow safely.

I love you so so much and I know I will do anything for you. Cliche and one day, you might cringe at that but until you, I have never loved anyone this much.

Mama has been paranoid because this pregnancy has taken many scary turns. Thankfully each time, we both pulled through fine by the grace of God but if anything were to happen, I want to make it clear to Dr Lim that He saves you instead of me. It would be a great loss for me that I wouldn't be able to discharge my motherly responsibilities but I've already lived a life and this time, it is really your turn. I can only pray that the right person comes along for Papa so he doesn't have to single parent you and has grace for that until she comes. She, must be everything I want to be or more and love you like you came out of her.

That aside, please know that I'll fight to stay alive, stay sane just to be with you. Just to be your mother. I know I was chosen out of the many to be your mother and deep down, I have the faith that I have exactly what it takes to be a good mom to you. I believe that God gave me supernatural strength and miralces to overcome and you'll grow up to arrive at your destiny. That there'll be no better mom for you, besides me.

I am far from perfect but I am wholly leaning and surrendering to God to do the impossible.

We didn't think you'll survive my allergy attack, my emergency resuscitation treatment or even come into existence with our infertility but you did. I have faith in you too. You're a fighter, a survivor and though you stayed small for so long, you are now two weeks ahead of your peers! I am proud of you.

We'll make it. Yes, we will.

Help! We need domestic help!

Had another hard night (now, what is new?) and I slept at the oddest angle, somewhat on my side, somewhat on my back but not completely flat.

I thought I'd stay in today despite the fact that the part-time helper was in. I usually make specific efforts to escape her as she tends to over-clean and not allow me to walk around the house. A few times, I walked to and fro from bedroom to the kitchen and she literally mopped every step that I walked on. I felt like I was dirtying HER house and after awhile, I just stayed in bed until she left.

She also broke the news to me, last minute that she won't be working for me at all after sept 4th (less than 2 weeks away). I panicked. The last time, she took off for 6 weeks while I was already pregnant leaving me with no time at all and a simple last minute notice to get help. I lived through it and thought we would keep her still because it is extremely hard to hire and also because her general working attitude has been pretty good. Also, she told us she had real financial difficulties so we kept her job.

This time round, she told me not to worry about her livelihood if I were to choose to hire a full-time helper. This has been on our minds since a few months back but it was a futile and fruitless search for the right one. I panicked and used my afternoon at home to call up agencies frantically. No one said they could give me anyone at short notice and I thought I'd settle for waiting at least 6-8 weeks for approval while combing through scores of bio-data in the meantime. I was calling, hanging up, waiting for emails, going through each line and then calling again. I felt NOTHING and I knew I wasn't looking for the perfect angel with a halo but they didn't feel right, at all. Hard to put a finger on it.

Then I saw one. I'm still not 100% sure if I'm right but the profile sounds very very close to what our requirements are and what we can afford! Thought it was too good to be true and then I called the agency up to express my interest, expecting to wait 2 months (Oct, just a month or so before I pop) and the agent happily exclaimed that she can reach us from Yangon by Sept 9th! I was elated and from the looks of it, we might confirm the deal by 3pm tomorrow and get the documentation process to start.

It is quite a huge gamble and leap of faith because for the Burmese domestic helpers, there's almost no way you can video conference to interview them. I was very open to Filipinos but none of the candidates worked out. In fact, I was rejected by a few because I couldn't meet their requirements! We had no big fancy house with ensuite for them to live in and one of the key job description was to take care of a new born! So many people shun that.

Really hoping this works out and I'll update hopefully with good news!

**
On another note, most people that are close to me know that one of my main gripes is the bias towards males in our Asian society. No matter how advanced we think we are, the antiquated patriarchal bias towards males is very much prevalent and this results in many many unfair treatment of females.

When we got pregnant, we were so happy we didn't have a gender preference. Then, people started envying out loud that it was a male. It irked me and I didn't say much other than both genders have their merits and ideally, I would like to have a girl and a boy. It seemed like the complete polictically correct answer and I'm not a very PC person but I really meant that!

Then yesterday, while buying pizza at a store, two senior ladies came to me and started to chat out of the blue. They started complaining about how they thought they were expecting sons but ended up daughters instead. Although not explicitly expressed in words, they hinted that they felt short-changed. I was flabbergasted and couldn't imagine how "loved" their daughters must have felt being so unwelcome in their family with the knowledge that they were the last choice on their parents' list.

THEN, my helper started telling me today how having a boy is so much better. I nearly flippped. She doesn't have a daughter and spoils her son silly and when I asked how exactly it was "better", she couldn't answer. She just said in chinese that one can pretty much afford to not have daughters but not sons. I was livid by then!

I am thankful that baby is so celebrated but it hurts me to know that my child will be less celebrated as long as he doesn't line up with what people want. This also hit too close to the heart because I'm a second tier citizen in my own family with the boys clearly leading the pack and getting the best of everything. There was a lot of unfair treatment then and it still happens now even though my younger brother is already 20. He has on many occasions voiced out at the unfairness and I appreciate that because many others just assume their place of false supremacy and superiority.

I know my mum in particular will drop everything for my brother while I would not even stand a chance in this 2 people queue. (I got there 11 years earlier).

I really hope that society truly progresses and more families love their daughters well and stop seeing them through those horribly scratched-with-prejudice lenses. The older generation already got it so wrong and yet, this generation perpetuates it. It is a vicious cycle and this school of thought must be abolished.

I'm super blessed and grateful for my son and nothing can undo that. I knew I loved him even before I knew the gender, knew I loved him even before I conceived him and have dreamt a thousand dreams of him. I guess this is what they call unconditional and sadly, unconditional love is going extinct.

2nd trimester thoughts so far

Someday I'm going to do a post on all the pregnancy symptoms I've had because some are actually..strange and uncommon. *reminder to self*

Now by the grace and faithfulness of God, we are almost at the tail end of my second trimester. I have two weeks more to go. I always read that the this period is likened to be the honeymoon period of pregnancy and I've been trying to do so much before energy wanes during third and last trimester.

Today I realised otherwise. I went out with Mei ling and Annabelle with their two lovely kids and came home completely pooped. My waist, back and calves were aching. I could barely reach down to the lower drawer of my refrigerator while seated. I ate so much to replenish energy but shortly after I got home, I kinda fell asleep. I say "kinda" because I was so uncomfortable I had trouble sleeping. Same for last night and I thought I'd sleep in but the noise from the morning woke me up. Usually I can survive well with little sleep but today, I am starting to feel the difference.

There are theories and studies to show that pregnant women shouldn't lie flat from their second tri onwards and I tried so hard to lie on my left (the recommended side) but it is so hard. I literally spent hours shifting and feel most comfortable on my back, albeit not for long. After awhile, your body tells you you have to move. No need for any professional or website because my legs threaten to cramp.

In short, my second trimester period was considerably short. I puked almost all the way through this whole journey of pregnancy so far and I'm already starting to feel third trimester fatigue. I am not complaining and feeling utterly cheated because I feel so so blessed to be pregnant. The most difficult part is still the crazy moods that I get from the hormones but though the physical part is torturous and cannot be undermined, they don't traumatise me as much as the fears and anxieties.

I think I will miss going out and hanging out with my friends A LOT. They have been a great blessing and help in quelling my fears, sending comfort and just keeping me sane. They make me laugh. I still have plans even two weeks in advance and I hope I am able to keep them because even walking to the train station 5 minutes away is starting to feel like a real marathon, especially when the weather is unforgiving.

Praying for more grace as I approach the finish line!

Pregnancy hunger pangs

I honestly don't know if they get worse during pregnancy but I don't remember a time whereby hunger was SOOO unbearable when you only ate like 4 hours ago. I never had a habit of snacking and now if I don't eat any in-betweens, I starve like I've been without food for days.

And as I speak, I have a bowl of instant noodles beside me. Not the healthiest choice but we are really out of food. No, I'm just addicted to instant noodles this week. Hopefully this phase will pass.

Another strange fact I noticed is that I almost completely can't do without chilli paddy. I even started carrying some in my bag incase I'm out and can't find any. It has to go with almost anything and everything. My tastebuds are otherwise dead without it. I read that these cause baby to have hiccups in utero but...I NEED THEM.


I also tried to avoid suppers but honestly, I can't get past 11 pm to sleep without putting something in to eat. My hunger pangs get so serious I feel like my head's going to burst. I don't know what energy I expand during the day but this growing is taking a lot of energy. Thankfully, my weight gain has been less than explosive and I hope it stays this way.

Note to self - fasting from makeup.

Do not buy makeup just because you're feeling sad.

You do have almost every conceivable blusher under the sun. 

Your skin can't really take fancy skincare brands anymore because it's so sensitive.

Just go to sephora and swatch them all on your hand and clean them off 2 minutes later. 

**

I started giving away unopened products to my friend today. 

Out of my own collection and not free products I got from work. 

I am growing up! 

A mother's prayer

 

Before you close your eyes to sleep 
I have a promise still to keep 
As I hold you in my arms. 
I pray your little frame grows strong 
And that faith takes hold while you are young; 
This is my prayer for you. 

Hold my hand; 
I'll teach you the Way to go. 
Through the joys, through the tears, 
The journey of these years, 
May you trust Him ‘til the end. 
May you trust Him in the end. 

This world is not as it should be, 
But the Savior opens eyes to see 
All that's beautiful and true. 
Oh may His light fill all you are 
And the jewel of wisdom crown your heart; 
This is my prayer for you. 

Hold my hand; 
I'll teach you the Way to go. 
Through the joys, through the tears,
The journey of these years, 
He is with us ‘til the end. 
He is faithful ‘til the end. 

You'll travel where my arms won't reach 
As the road will rise to lead your feet 
On a journey of your own.
May my mistakes not hinder you 
But His grace remain and guide you through; 
This is my prayer for you. 

Take His hand 
And go where He calls you to. 
And whatever comes, seek Him 
With all your heart; 
This will be my prayer for you. 
mmmm Father, hear my ceaseless prayer; 
Oh keep them in your care. 

Dún do shúil (Close Your Eyes) 
Dún do shúil, a rún mo chroí 
(Close your eyes, oh love of my heart) 
A chuid den tsaol, 's a ghrá liom 
(My worldly joy, my treasure) 
Dún do shúil, a rún mo chroí 
(Close your eyes, oh love of my heart) 
Agus gheobhair feirín amárach... 
(And you will get a gift tomorrow)

Keith Getty, Kristyn Getty, and Fionan de Barra; © 2012 Gettymusic and Fionan de Barra (adm. by MusicServices.org)

Back on Progesterone

Back on progesterone again and it ain't pretty. I decided to go on it after a few ambiguous scares and not take any risks. My mood took about a day or so to totally crash and today was the day of the crash. Together with it came the resurgence of what seemed to be the carpal tunnel syndrome and when both hit, I felt completely alone and abandoned without help and being incapacitated, I crashed.

Up till yesterday, I was like a free bird and roaming around Sg with friends, alone and just taking it slow and easy while getting chores done. I even bought some storage solutions and planned to spend the week after it was delivered (this week and next week) to repack and reorganise. But with the hand being what it is like now, I have to rest it and not carry anything heavy.

Spent today and yesterday talking to C even though my hand was hurting from the texting. Am impressed with her bravery and strength as she copes with the uncertainties and complications of her own pregnancy. There's little I can do for her at this point except pray. She also has a less than 2 year old son who needs her and with her going to labour next week facing the complications head on, I cannot help but shake when I pray for her. I hate to admit but I fear for her. As her friend, I know I need to cheer hard and believe for her from the sidelines but I can't help but imagine and shudder when I put myself in her shoes.

Tomorrow, I'll be meeting K for a light lunch. Light because, I'll be eating with my left hand and when that happens, I eat a lot less. Looking forward to it because I think she'll take my mind off the pains of pregnancy. With her, we can laugh about anything else. I'm excited to hear about her life and her presence always comforts me. I only pray that Christ reaches out to her soon. I so want to see her in heaven. I know I'm not the best christian testimony and possibly her only close friend in Sg but I so cherish this friendship and hope to display Christ as much as possible to let her know how much He loves her.

Hopefully my body gets used to the hormones by then and I don't weep another day of tears and enjoy my friends and timeout even with the lack of mobility in my right hand.

OH and my storage delivery? They came at 11 pm to my horror. We were actually already in bed because isaac needs to get up early for school so I was rudely interrupted. I had to hoist my soccer ball frame up and waddle to the door. when I asked politely why delivery was so late with no prior notice, all I got was "for your information, this is within our delivery hours". It was not. 

Although I feel a surge of pity for the poor young GIRL who had to carry out deliveries at this hour alone, I felt angry with the company for scheduling this badly and though they have great value-for-money products, I really have to think twice before repeating my purchases.

Wife-of-a-teacher woes

Isaac has been working for three weekends straight and almost full days each time. It gets me really stressed because he has close to no rest and I feel so pained for him. The load on his shoulders are so heavy and before you know it, his son would have arrived. 

I keep myself busy on weekdays but is pretty much on standby mode to spend pockets of time with him on weekends. This is hard because I tend to worry while trying not to trouble or disturb him. 

I wish it was easier and his workload eases up but most say this is typical of the life of a first year teacher and it gets easier.

I can only hope because I so don't want him to miss out on baby's life.

I'm also getting bigger and Somedays even doing dishes are hard. I have back and arm aches and because I still suck at spatial estimation, my tummy always gets wet. Oh and it collects toothpaste too.  I also end up with a lot of food on my tummy. It collects food I dropped while eating like a bib.

Some times when I recline on a seat or in bed, I slide down and after that have trouble getting up. Now I know how a snail feels carrying his house around and can't flip. 

Ah, all part and parcel of pregnancy. 

Can't wait for nov!!

happy day! Praise the Lord!

Today is honestly one of the best days I've had in a long while.

I did the normal, ate, puked and felt uncomfortable but the highlight was the gynae visit and then hanging out with one of my best friends, Cali!

I confided in my gynae about my concerns and he allayed most of my fears. Check-up also showed that we are both doing really well actually. Earlier on in the pregnancy, the baby was always on the small side and one week behind in readings for his gestational age. Last week, he caught up a little but this week, after the crazy scare and his mother not really resting, his weight actually shot up by 200g and is slightly ahead his gestational age! I couldn't really figure what I did that made the difference when I used to struggle to put on 100g. I ate pretty much the same amount and on some days, had to force feed myself. Then I realized that I ate the king of fruits, durian! It is super high in fat content and I'm glad it didn't all go to my arms but the baby.

During the scan, the baby was super active and again, he didn't seem to like the "paparazzi" and was kicking/flailing frantically as the ultrousound scanner came near him. I didn't care and was just so happy to see him. Dr also did a close-up of him on 3D just to cheer me up and when I saw him, I was stupefied. I can't say I wasn't happy of course but now that his features are more defined, he looked like a replica of Isaac's baby photos! I couldn't find the slightest trace of me. He had the face shape, nose bride and chin of the father! It might not be 100% accurate and he is still a work in progress but at first glance, one can definitely see the father! I am definitely ok with Isaac's looks considering that I married him after all but I would like to see some traces of me after all the puking, sleepless nights, etc. Isaac has a bunion foot and there was a very sharp picture of the baby with a foot that didn't have a bunion so I'm supposed to take comfort that yes, hello son, you have my FOOT.

But really, all these are said in jest because I'm so happy you're healthy and growing well. I don't even care that you kick my pelvis, box my stomach etc. Isaac sees my discomfort and tries to coax baby to not kick those areas but I'm like "nah, let him kick away. there isn't much space anyway". I go into momentary shock when I get that hard slam on my bladder/pelvis but after that I always find myself smiling. It's his way of interacting with me and letting me know all is well.

To say that it is a relief that things are going well is an understatement. I actually felt lighter despite being heavier. For the rest of the day, I was like on semi cloud 9 and even wanted to go shopping to celebrate. Not that I had anything to buy though. I have trouble finding clothes, shoes and anything really. My fave pasttime which used to be collecting make up and skincare? Gone...because my skin decided to be sensitive with pregnancy so I can't be too adventurous.

Cali had a good but short time catching up after coz I excitedly cabbed to her to share. She had some time off work at a very short notice today and it was so wonderful.

Then in the evening, I bought some of my much-craved food to celebrate from a nearby food haunt and now here I am, tired but still so thankful and happy.

Isaac says that I have my highs and lows (apart from hormones and natural disposition) because I rely too much on knowledge and not faith that God has heard, is on our case and has answered. I fully agree. But I thank God that He is not impatient and puts up with me and comes to my low level of faith.

Again, He has proven to come true.

So glorious, our God. I am so thankful and honored to be called to be his mother. I hope so many others will be encouraged to know that they are not alone and if you are believing God for a child, I am standing with you to see the fruition of your dreams because I know they're also God's dreams for you.

Gynae quips

I was asking him about c section to allay my fears.

He said the wound on the uterus wouldn't even be visible in time (God knows how long) under a laparoscope. 

Me: what's a laparoscope?

Doctor: you won't need one. 

This response came because I've usually exclaimed that I'll get/try anything that's suggested. I even dreamt about getting ultrasound scanner or Doppler (device to listen to heartbeat) and might have exclaimed that out loud. 

Bear with us, we are a work in progress!

Today I confided in a friend who is a new mom about pregnancy paranoia and fears. I've known her almost all my life (or as long as I can remember) and she does not have a disposition towards anxiety like I do and yet, she too experienced it.

I'm by no means comforted that she went through this but I'm somewhat relieved someone understands. Even though Isaac tries his best to be understanding, sometimes, I feel there's no way he can understand, sympathise or understand like my gas, whether or not they have been pregnant before. My pregnant gfs completely relate and the non pregnant ones somehow can imagine how terrifying it must be.

Apart from fears, I also realised I started griping on how disgusting and messy everything is and am semi panicky that the house will not be ready in time for the baby. I single handedly cleaned half of the kitchen. The other half is not so neatly packed into the cabinets to be shielded from view. I have half a mind to renovate it but the thought of the noise and mess scares me.

The rooms are in a horrible mess and I wish we had more storage and less stuff. I would love to play around with the furniture and have a good mind to do so but I can't lift/shift everything myself. The husband is so busy I dare not even stress him out. He's been surviving on very little sleep which might or might not prepare him for the crazy nights when the baby arrives but sometimes, when I am struck with worry, even for him and how he is coping with the job, I just feel like breaking down.

In short, I feel terribly insecure. I fear for his job stability and the heavy bond that comes with it because he might not be able to take it. with me not having a job and getting heavily pregnant pretty soon, I sometimes can' help but imagine the worst. The rational part of me says that there is absolutely no point worrying and I should just bite the bullet and go with it and let God take us through. He will anyway, like He always has but I'm scared like a Gideon.

Then I start thinking of what I would rather have as an ideal scenario instead and to be honest, I have none.

Then I start uttering small thanksgiving for everything we have now.

yes, the house is messy but at least we have the house which has almost tripled in value since we bought it for a steal.

Yes, it's not fancily renovated but prospective buyers like that they don't have to shell out a lot of cash just to hack everything that isn't up to their standards away. I faced that a lot when my parents were shopping for homes (every year) such that we have never lived in a non-new development all my life.

And we have a job. Yes, its a single income family with a heavy burden but I get the privilege of watching my child grow up, at least for a few years.

And, we still have savings. Not a lot but more than what we ever had despite the heavy expenses. (Apparently, even if I stop work, as long as I stop buying bags, NOT EVEN starving on makeup, we save).

We don't have the car but we have the luxury to cab anywhere and live in a convenient city right at the fringe of the city.

We have each other. We laugh so much even though we take turns to drive each other crazy.

We have a baby coming!

So yes, when I next get upset because my dining table is swarmed with stuff right after I clear it and guests are arriving, I will take a step back and look through this list again.

Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

6 months pregnancy update

Birthing has always been scary but it just got scarier. The fears do overwhelm me with thoughts like "what if I bleed to death" etc and to top it off, with the physical discomforts, I get somewhat miserable.

It is really hard to be steady and calm. As some of my friends are also going through different stages of pregnancy at this point, with varying degrees of difficulty and discomfort, some more serious than the others, I can't help but feel afraid.

There are really so many variables and I get the patronising but well-meaning "trust God" or "commit everything to prayer" a lot. No one really empathizes until they go through the same stuff. I hope I'm never careless enough to utter these words in future when I do meet people going through the same stuff. Pregnancy, especially first-time pregnancies are seriously nerve-wrecking especially because there is someone ELSE you have to protect but feel completely powerless at.

I do appreciate well-meaning friends who have gone through it who try NOT to tell me anything gory/scary and their own traumatic versions of birth stories. I know the general skeletons of it and there's that. The rest, I have to be content with the question marks and ambiguity and leave it to God who will guide my doctor with wisdom and skill.

Physically, I do have a lot of aches and pressure now on my back. It is still tolerable and just uncomfortable. Thank God for that. I also seemed to have put on close to 2.5 kg in just one week. This is a far cry from not putting on any weight up till last week. I just hope it didn't all go to me! 

Pregnancy jitters

I'm getting more nervous as the days go by.

Now, I can't even blame progesterone because I've been off it for two days. Moods are stabilizing but I've been stressed and clearly, sleepless.

The stress comes from finances and of course, the birth itself. I wonder if I'll succumb yet again to anxiety problems and need to be put on medication which would then interfere with breastfeeding. I really want to breastfeed despite the horror stories but it'd not be fair to inflict this upon the child.

Also, the c section. That can't be fun even though I've been reassured by so many who have gone through it that it really isn't a big deal. The thought of a surgeon slicing through layers of fat and then down to the uterus is enough to send me running in the other direction. I have crazy preposterous thoughts like, "what if he cut the baby?", "what if I bleed to death" etc. The list is endless.

When I get stressed these days, I can feel the muscles around my tummy tightening and I know how important it is to relax so as not to risk pre term labour. I feel so vulnerable and out of control of my own body. Previously, I had an arsenal of aid even though my anxiety isn't that great. I had medication on standby and I knew that if I fell, I fell alone. Now, the stakes are 10x higher.

There are still some 16 weeks (4 months) left.

I'm hoping that I'll get more answers and reassurances from the doctor this week when I visit for my scheduled check-ups.

Sometimes I feel like my insides are being rearranged

Dear baby poem

2 lines

You use my bladder as a trampoline 

Your father said I look like a penguin 

To be continued..

Progesterone woes.

About two days back, while having lunch with a friend, I had some light spotting and even though I was hesitant, she rushed me to hospital.

$400 and thorough checks later, we were both fine and there was no active bleeding and placenta was in a good position but my doctor, who would never take any chances and can be hailed as a protector of babies decided to put me on a month of progesterone to be safe.

Now, I have taken these hormones before but nothing prepared me for what was to come next. First day, I slept all through. It was one of the side effects and I was fine. I struggled to wake up to get my meals but I can deal with being sleeping beauty.

By last night, I was a weepy mess. I thought it would subside but it got worse. I ended up feeling so edgy I felt like the only way to cope was to throw things at the wall. I began a packing frenzy even though I was exhausted and clearly overstretched but couldn't get to sleep. i had hot flushes even though the rest of my body felt relatively cold. I didn't know what to do with myself. It is probably a confluence of all the chemicals sand changes that are happening now. Previously, in my first trimester, I was too busy puking and exhausted and even though I felt jitters, anxiety and moodiness, it was not near anything I felt today.

It is very hard to make a decision regarding this. On one hand, I wonder if I'd be creating harm if I did stop the progesterone (which prevents pre term labour) but on the other, I can barely cope by the hour with it raging through my system.

To make things worse, my husband is suffering from terrible work stress and I don't know whats with him but he has been sleeping almost non-stop since yesterday. I'm worried and have zero support from him.

moments like these and I wonder how I'll ever make it through.

Secret fears

I'm afraid of...
-childbirth. The pain, the recovery etc.
-my child's well being. Did I do anything during pregnancy to jeopardise it? Did I eat ok? Did I sleep ok? Medication-did it harm him?
-Judgment from other people. What if I just can't cope with breastfeeding?
-Somedays are harder than the rest. Can I survive those?
-Ok. Childbirth again. What if I bleed too much? Will I die?

People.

Pregnancy has opened my eyes to the good of many but along with it comes, the not-so-good. Most people are well-meaning and kind but along with these come a load, actually a TRUCK load of unsolicited advice.

I just had a friend who asked if she could come over "to give me advice". If that was the case, I really would rather she sent me an email. At the risk of sounding like an ingrate, I am literally drowning in advice. I can't take every single one and can't remember a lot. I don't want to snap and be irritable because I want my social life but everyone seems to suddenly be an expert and while I'm a self-professed complete noob at pregnancy and childbirth, a lot of their advice will not add the slightest measure to my well-being.

I've yet to devise a strategy to fend off advice so I'm just going "yes, thank you" or "no thank you". I'd like to think that in my previous life, I was less tactless and curt but now, I have to do it for sanity.

Friends whom I've not seen in forever suddenly want to meet. This is all fine and dandy and really great but at some point, it suddenly becomes a little little bit claustrophobic. I love meeting people but I honestly find myself dozing off when all they talk about is...morning sickness, childcare, pregnancy and all the things they did/didn't do.

And I know its hard to resist but I cannnot stand people giving my kid nicknames. I haven't even named him officially so please go away.

Now, what do I say when time after time, they don't take the gentlest "stop it"? It escalates.

This situation is completely new but for the most part, I love my friends but have to be so selective even though I have time on my hands on who I spend my time with. Some people drain so much from me like I'm the best audience and they are they are the best advice dispenser it makes me want to be turn into a recluse.

Tears I cry for you

I feel so vulnerable and wonder how others do it. 

I'm thankful for every day that passes even if it's hard coz it testifies of God's goodness. 

There will be enough grace to move and stay still. 

I love you so much. Please grow strong and healthy. 

The aftermath

After yesterday's mini saga with the MIL, I was wrecked with all forms of guilt and decided to try to clear my mind. I had to balance between maintaining my position of boundaries and yet, making right if I had sounded rude.

So I took awhile to craft out a message to humbly apologise and other know that while I meant no harm, I realised that I might have inadvertently hurt her feelings because no one likes to be rejected (especially when she is used to her ways) but I beseech her to respect me.

I saw that there is absolutely no point to avoiding her and now that there's baby coming, we are going to be spending a lot of time together, whether we like it or not. We can each go on making our own lives miserable by 1) her pushing and annoying me with no limits because she thinks she is queen and 2)me beating myself up and simmering inside. This was my attempt to repair the relationship and it is by no means perfect but I actually felt relieved for trying instead of slithering away like a coward.

She is obviously angry and I don't expect her not to be actually but now the ball is in her court. I hope she will get over it and respect me and her own son. Our future helper also needs to know that she is not going to nitpick and find fault for every speck of dust when our first priority is for her to take care of the baby.

Husband has been very supportive and objective and I cannot be more thankful. I've heard of friends' husbands who walked away and just HID or avoided any skirmish when overbearing MILs push their way and try to take over the household leaving their wives with either a choice to be subservient and obey for the sake of obeying or walk away, leaving grandchildren completely to their charge. He objectively assesses the situation with me to make sure I'm not reacting out of my hormonal changes and spite and we agreed to speak to her (again) to ensure our sanity will be intact when baby arrives. Everybody we let into our lives needs to respect us and bear with us first time parents as we figure out and yes, they might know it better but we need to learn and get there. Please don't take over the wheel while we are driving. It is very dangerous.

A friend sorta berated me privately after I fessed up to this and suggested I did the Asian way and just  "ignored" lest my son learn how to disobey elders. I told her as politely as I could that not everything in our culture is to be lauded and I would want my son to not blindly follow the confucian statutes of filial piety and learn to differentiate right from wrong objectively and not defer to anyone remotely older and more senior than him. This is very contrary to Asian culture where seniority carries a heavy weight in society. This will teach the young people a fast, near extinct quality to uphold justice and not merely be "yes" people and weigh in on either majority, peer pressure or any abusive elders.

Of course, I didn't do it exactly right and I need to fine-tune my way of delivering it. It is inadvertent that feelings will be hurt because in our culture, you just don't find a younger person telling an older person what NOT to do. It is very frowned upon and in that sense, I committed a very big sin. But my job now is to protect my sanity for my family and be a good wife and mother. They need me more than ever now and yes, criticism and guilt may come but knowing my own propensity for anxiety and my fragile state of well-being with episodes of depression frequenting my life, I need ever more than ever the support and understanding of friends. That means, I need to cut out negative influences in my life and hence, the difficult decision to get her on the supportive side or leave me alone.

She is free to think horrible thoughts about me or dismiss me as hormonal but I maintain my case.

Because for her own sake, I think it is high time she stops alienating her husband, children and start having friends in her life. These relationships all require a great deal of respect and not an empress dowager.

Skirmish with the MIL

It would have been a perfect happy post to document the fun I've been having so far with my friends and their offspring but it got tainted today with a mini skirmish with my MIL.

I am so disturbed and wrecked with guilt (and not so much regret) that I actually have to get this off my chest. My husband is sleeping now and while I managed a confession, somewhat tearfully out of guilt, he merely laughed it off. Most people would because it really is so stupid and I know its convenient to blame my hormones but my conscience knew that I was responsible for it.

It is by now, common knowledge to anyone who knows us or our families that my MIL is kinda random and loopy. I was watching tv after a tiring but fun day with one of my best pals and her son and winding down when she started to send me a few texts about Kylie Minogue. I tried to tell her that I didn't care but she didn't back down or take the hint. This was probably the tip of the iceberg kinda incident coz there were other incidents that I just inhaled and let it simmer within me with explosive energy incubating.

So I told her to stop texting me and that I DIDN'T care about KYLIE and (what made her think) I was the ideal audience for Kylie trivia.

Yes, I see that she meant absolutely no malice but I blew my top and in the end, I sent an apology after hopping around the house and panting for a good 20 minutes. I thought long and hard and decided to apologise for blowing my top and being rude but maintaining that I'm not interested and please stop texting me till my phone is going to explode to 1)tell me what to do about my life such as wash my hands because germs are everywhere or 2) tell me about things I don't care about.

It's just my lousy way of reacting to fear that she would totally go all control-freak asian style on me, my helper and my son when he arrives. I have also long been annoyed with her and never addressed it even though Isaac has told me to say no in small bite-sized ways. I didn't so and knowing me, one day , such as today, I exploded, full blast.

How do I put this? I'm sorry, but not sorry. If it buys me peace, I'm really kinda relieved and I'm sorry she didn't reacted well to hints, not-so-overt shrugs and polite "uh huh..thanks bye" to gently slither way in uncomfortable situations and let it explode instead. This mini skirmish has caused us both some distress. It's neither small nor big in any earth shattering style but I know feelings were hurt. I tried to address the hurt feelings the best I could but I wish I had the perfect way to do it. In fact, I wish I had the perfect way to tell her that "hey, you hurt my feelings with horrible things you said and it rooted in me so i'm not going to be best friends".

I wish there was a perfect manual on in-law relations and how to run them but nope, never easy.

Confession

I ordered 50 bux worth of mcdonalds!! I'm a sinner. 

Blessed

It's 9.30 pm and I'm sitting on the sofa like a couch potato with an active boy turning within me! 

It's the most fantastic feeling ever! 

Uncertainty and change

Though the last week has been great, I find myself grappling with crippling boredom and frustration again today.

I've been cooking and cleaning almost obsessively. I stepped out today and it still looks like the hall is a warzone. There are baby clothes now...New from opened packages. Then there's still so much to wash and put away. There are spaces to clean out for the helper, the child. A part of me wants to wait for the helper to do all the cleaning but I feel bad that she will step into this warzone.

I had a lunch appointment cancelled because of the mini storm we are having in my area. I also threw up a storm of another kind after taking my fish oil supplements so we decided, I better stay put. This was a huge bummer because I'm really in desperate need for human interaction. I find myself restless and cleaning even though my hand is strained when I'm alone. Or worse, having my thoughts wander to a galaxy far away. I wonder about life after and wonder how I'll cope having a helper. Somehow, ironically, it is an area of stress with the loss of privacy, potential friction etc.

I also wonder the most about the baby. I suffer from what I call pregnancy eating guilt and am always on a quest to eat nutritious food for the baby. Unfortunately, because of the haywire tastebuds, I often don't feel like eating and then get guilty about it. This guilt drives me to make my own meals where I have control on what goes into it but frankly, my cooking is less than stellar and I hate it so much!! (most of the time). It is also very tiring and I dread it so much sometimes. Imagine the washing up after a whole cooking session.

Most days are fine now but when I do get near anxiety attacks, I wonder if I should continue to get professional help especially in light of first-time mom stress. I get so scared at the prospect and worry about finances coz my earnings have gone from significant to zero. That alone is another area of stress...but I digress. I need to remind myself that the reasons behind that and most importantly, I didn't really have a choice back then and had to work out the best possible option for myself and the baby.

On that note, I really need to remind myself that :

-God is in control.
-God ordains the steps of a righteous man.

Will try to steal a nap and take advantage of the respite from the heat with this stormy weather.

Cooking is addictive!

Beef stew turned out decent! (For my standards at least) and Isaac polished off a load of it!

Cooking must be really addictive coz now I've got the urge to cook creamy pasta.

The only problem now is that my wrist, which has been hurting for one week and slowly getting better started hurting after chopping, cooking and washing again.

:( 

Joys of pregnancy! 

Beef bourginon (without alcohol)

Knackered from chopping and frying.

Got the man his red meat stew. 

Convictions

-baby only kicks me when I want sleep.

-it might be too early but he seems to be kicking my pubic bone. Uncomfortable thuds but not totally ouch yet.

-baby might be nocturnal. 

So tired now..

Post bday celebrations!

We had dinner in etna today because I just couldn't eat on my actual birthday. Was puking really badly after tea with a friend and felt really uncomfortable.

From the start, I decided to go cheap and local while he decided to go for something fancier. I picked etna because I've always been a fan of Italian and the past few experiences were fantastic. 

And so we had these: 

And this 

It was ok but I was somewhat disappointed. I remembered heartier, tastier epic portions considering that this meal cost is 3 figures! Also, because I'm basically an oven now, I felt hot in the restaurant! I guess that's the normal temperature for other patrons though, bummer for me.

I was really uncomfortable and we left as soon as we finished our food. I felt bad coz husband really wanted to celebrate. 

So $15.50 of cab fare later, even though it was only a short distance away, we found ourselves in my favorite ice cream place, daily scoop! 

This place is vibrant with decently priced ice cream and the temperature is usually considered to be freezing for most so I thought it'd be perfect. My kinda place! Cheap and good! 

But..I found out to my dismay that it is official that my hormones have killed my taste buds. I ordered a strawberry shortcake on a cone and looked forward to tingling my taste buds with the sour, sweet combination but could taste pretty much nothing but the cold. Husband tried it and he said it tasted as good as before so we concluded that it was indeed just me.

Glad we went though because it was just happier, sprightlier and COLDER! 

So that's that! I think I'll just give up and celebrate next year. 

Turning 31

Is love to write more and yesterday was beautiful but...I am so tired remembering and stringing words together just seem like mammoth tasks. 

All in a day

I snubbed the back of my foot. Some skin came off and there's some bleeding.

I smacked my hand against someone or something because it's bruised and swelling now.

Happy parts:

I feel like I swallowed a jellyfish. All the squishy kicks and turns! 

Isaac brought me a lot of food and flowers! 

I only puked once this week!

Baby, I feel like you're sooo grown up already! 

Time is speeding up!

Time is passing faster and faster these days. The first trimester was painfully slow because I was throwing up violently everyday and also had to worry about work. 

Now that I'm done with work, I find myself busier than expected. Been doing housework and trying to reorganize space and life while occasionally meeting up with friends. These days, I don't look forward to weekends as much as I look forward to seeing my husband each day after work and...the monthly scan. Every scan is far too short and i just love seeing him wiggle, flail or just sleep. 

I also feel more than kicks now and actual "shifting" or a mass moving in my abdomen. It sometimes feel like I ate a jellyfish but until he kicks some vital parts, this is all really fun and I'm filled with awe and gratefulness. 

Collected my stroller!!

Wrnt to collect my stroller today after almost 2 months in the shop and I nearly cried there because it's starting to feel so real. It's like trying on the wedding gown for the first time and having it really sink in that you're getting married. This is akin to that, though on a different scale. 

I'm nuts. Blame the hormones.

Sacrifices of a mother

Haven't had sushi for five months..

Composed in my sleep

Oh where are my brain cells?

Oh where are my brain cells?

Where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh whereeeee

They exist, just not nowww

Gripe

I hate it so much when my mum insinuates it's my fault or that I ate something wrong when I throw up. It's the pregnancy hormones!!

How ignorant and insensitive can some people be? 

Boundaries

When laundry is done, laundry bags somehow unravel themselves when not zipped properly.

This was the only thought I had when I tried to do laundry earlier, with the half-zipped bags that were put in before the cycle completely opened and its contents spilled out.

A parallel to life because when God washes me up, I come apart. It's a rough tumble of a ride somewhat akin to being in a tumbling washing machine but after that, I'm nice and clean, ready to be of use again.

**
Pregnancy makes you even more fearful. I'm not the most optimistic person with a charged-up, ever ready faith. I fear and I stumble and now, my only assurance is that through it all, God will be there.

I face fear sometimes head-on or sometimes like a wuss and take my heart for a roller coaster ride. These get magnified during pregnancy when you realize it is not just about one but two. I feel responsible for him, a helpless foetus and I already suck at taking care of myself. Now, to take care of myself is to take care of him and there is no one without the other. Pregnancy makes me think twice about every action before making them and nothing is given over to impulse.

I made up my mind not to forget the trials and joys of pregnancy and will note them down, either privately or here (because we cannot count on the pregnancy brain to store everything). One day, when I look back, it'll seem like a piece of cake and I might be tempted to trivialize or dismiss the journey when it really was a forced journey of faith and another chapter of God's faithfulness.

This will also remind me to be empathetic and sympathetic towards other women and not just dismiss them but to be tender to them when they face similar fears. I've been at the rude end of people unintentionally or maliciously telling me horror stories repeatedly and have allowed these stories to breed fear and unrest in my own heart. It is horrible and I don't want it to be repeated in anyone else. As far as I am concerned, pregnancy bears a burden big enough on its own and doesn't require exceptional external input. Granted, some of these people are well meaning but they have put in very little thought into how unsettling and even tormenting it is for the soon-to-be mother.

I'm still in two minds about whether to 1) avoid them like plague or 2) draw and delineate clear boundaries with specific people. I guess it depends on 1) how they will take it and 2) whether I value the relationship or not. It is easier to write them off and avoid them like plague for the rest of the journey (or even longer) but some are too precious to lose. Yet, I dread their reactions because egos are bruised and intentions are put into the spotlight. In these cases, it might be the lack of sensitivity.

I recently very firmly told a friend to stop doing something that I dislike and she persisted. It took me awhile to even tell her firmly because it required courage. I knew she wouldn't take well to it. She did it again. I've learnt that when people choose not to respect you, you owe them nothing and while it is not a major loss to her, it impairs the friendship and you owe it to yourself than to put up with it needlessly.

This is not a one-off thing before I decided to speak about it in the hopes of bettering the relationship or at least keeping it status quo but an on-going thing.

Learning to draw boundaries might be painful but it is a responsibility one has towards oneself and important because...sanity is at stake. You can only please so many people and it isn't and shouldn't be one's life purpose. Abusive behaviour has to be cut off for both parties' sake.

I feel relieved and strangely proud when I stand up for myself. It is so much easier to stand up for other people and neglect thyself but when it is done, you know you're stronger and freer.

Pregnancy for a first-timers-20 weeks!

Pregnancy for a first time mum can be an exhilarating and nervous ride. It is a roller-coaster of emotions and with all the strange stuff going on in your body for the first time, it can no doubt be unsettling and mind-bloggling. At every turn in this ride, I worried and had my heart in my mouth. I often turned to friends who have been pregnant before for advice and thankfully, most of the time, they have gone through similar symptoms and their words undoubtedly assuaged my fears and comforted in my distresses.

That is why, even though I get a lot of bad scares from forums, I still turn to it. Like the old adage goes, "misery needs company" and it just is reassuring to know others have gone through queer, persistent symptoms and survived.

At 20 weeks, most of the puking has stopped even though I'm still suffering from that persistent, annoying cough that disrupts sleep and makes my stomach and chest hurt. Well, now my mentality is as such that I will be even more persistent and outlast it well. I hope it it soon coz it has been 12 days already. It might sound like a fleeting short time but when the tummy is burgeoning and you have a life inside you to protect, it feels dreadfully long. Thankfully, it is showing signs of wearing out.

Other than that, I have been progressing along normally. I have reached the half way mark but it still feels like a long way more to go. I pray that the rest of the journey will be smooth and uneventful. We've had a lot to deal with already and my heart needs to take a break from all the excitement. It all came, fast and furious and caught us unaware.

I am having my 20 week anatomy scan this saturday and I'm so excited and nervous I don't know how I'm going to sleep on friday. Praying all goes well and we receive plenty of good news to fire up adrenaline that can keep me going and distract me from discomfort!

Anxiety and pregnancy

I've always had problems dealing with anxiety but the problem has been dealt with, for quite sometime now...or so I thought.

It flared up nastily today and without access to anti-anxiety drugs, I was totally rendered helpless. My heartbeat surged by 20 over beats as I struggled with faint spells and breathlessness, wondering if I was going to faint alone, undiscovered.

It started because of my tenuous relationship with my in-laws. If I ever pass this trial, I strongly recommend that it be used for guidance for ALL pre-marital counselling courses, especially in an Asian context. These relationships are tricky as mothers worship sons and often villianize the daughter-in-law because she is the "other woman" who took the precious son away.

While it wasn't completely the case today, a snapshot of my relationship with my in-laws include, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of name calling and criticism and me, going into depression and having anxiety episodes.

To make matters worse, I often get attacked in the aftermath of drawing strict boundaries by guilt. Matters exacerbate when your mother-in-law now suffers from cancer. I wondered if she'll die and I'll be left to regret for my petty actions (or non actions) forever.

Today, despite being a petite annoying but generally harmless creature, she gave me a full-blown panic attack and while that lasted only minutes, I felt like I fought a battle that lasted forever. It resulted in me hiding in my room with worrying thoughts that she'll break in and criticise the hell out of me. She drops by unannounced so I was completely caught off guard. I had no access out of the house to avoid her other than the main door so I hid there and within minutes, there were countless missed calls and texts which I thought was harassing. I dealt so badly with the situation with my mind going almost completely blank, except for the horrible paranoid thoughts and had a full on breakdown. Coughing and being pregnant doesn't help. It made me feel even more vulnerable and helpless.

One friend's advice is basically to avoid all drama. I'm still praying for help to draw boundaries respectfully without starting a world war while maintaining my sanity. Another friend advised me to think about the baby first no matter what. I used to be a lot more impulsive but now, I take a step back to ponder and consider. It hasn't reaped yet because...I have no solutions.

Deep down, I know this is only a prelude and the beginning chapter of what might be worse when the baby arrives and grandparents fight for baby's attention. Then, it'll be harder or I might be more seasoned, wise and composed.

I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish someone would drop me advice but...for now, it's one step at a time. I still have to get rid of the cough and rest up.

So I tried to fight the flu naturally

With extra doses of vitamin C, anti inflammatory food like ginger and just rest.

It didn't work.

A few days ago, I woke up after only two hours of sleep with intense pain. I've been averaging only two-three hours because of the pain and that day, it was exacerbated by nausea. Feeling extremely faint and weak, I went to the bathroom in an attempt to clear the phlegm from my throat and sinuses and out came blood from my nose. My first nosebleed in 30 years. It was 5 am and I had to wait another 4 hours in faint before I next saw a doctor. 

I had scary thoughts racing through my head such as: what if I faint alone at home etc..

At 9.20 am, I was at the doctor. I was already running a fever, throwing.up almost anything I ingest, including water and in sheer pain. 

I was in deep agony.

To cut the long story short, I was put on a long course of anti biotics and while the sore throat abated and allows 5 hours of sleep now, the cough still persists stubbornly. 

I'm not sure if I'm getting better and am plagued with worry. There's still a lot of phlegm and the cough disrupts my sleep. If it's even possible, I think I lost weight too. 

Ironically, I'm almost at the halfway mark of this pregnancy marathon and while some of my peers celebrate that it all went by in a"blink of an eye", I wonder how I survived and pray for strength to last the rest of the journey. 

I'm extremely exhausted and am downright tired. It feels like forever more and I am not feeling brave or particularly optimistic. My mood seems to have taken a nose dive with the lack of rest and illness I honestly want nothing but for time to pass and a healthy strong baby. 

19 weeks

Another milestone I'm thankful for. 

Unfortunately, I'm down with a miserable cold and the symptoms are exacerbated when I can't be medicated. Rest is almost elusive and I've found myself worrying about whether in resting or eating enough. Weight gain is still non existent and negative I'm tempted to wonder if there's anything wrong with the scale. 

Despite all, I'm now almost at the halfway mark and it's a series of miracles I made it so far. I marvel at the miracle of life everyday and am awed by His faithfulness and goodness towards me. 

Yes, there's a lot of discomfort and suffering especially since I'm sick and I can't claim to have done so without complaining or do it with grace and dignity. 

But I'm learning to press on, celebrate the joy that is growing within me and dream with God in the midst of uncertainties. 

I can't wait to see you my child. 

Looking forward to the scan which is the closest I have to seeing him. 

Multi tasking

I have learnt to shop on my iPad while barfing into toilet bowl. 

Most exciting

I felt my first kick from baby!!!! 

Best day of my life

That was yesterday. 

I'm still beaming with joy at the thought of it. 

I was so excited going to the Gynae for the gender scan and prayed that the baby would be cooperative. 

Lo and behold, he opened his legs and lifted his hands on cue to show us his manhood. It was the most amazing moment of my life. 

I know we are wayy early but we have settled his name and all. He just has no clothes yet. 

I preferred a boy but now, while I'm excited that it is a boy, I'm just so glad he is healthy and alive. The names I chose for a girl speak of what I hope for in a daughter but the names we are going with for my son are from God even before I realized I was pregnant. My joy, my pride. His word came to pass!! 

I just want the best for the kiddo and cannot wait to meet him!  

Confession

Pregnancy unleashes more than hormones and morning sickness.

It unleashes unsolicited advice from all sorts of people. Anyone feels entitled to give you advice, well-meaning or not. They come from all walks of life, whether they had a kid 60 years ago, yesterday or never had a kid OR worse, is a man, they will want to give you advice.

I've been so tempted to scream them silent but so far, I've held myself back. Amazing grace, I say.

The two people I dread most are my mum and mother-in-law. They don't understand boundaries, thresholds and threaten my fragile sanity at times even when I'm deeply depressed.

I've had a rocky relationship with them for the most of my life and this pregnancy is making it worse. I appreciate the concern although they are severely gender biased towards males and I worry that I'll be made to feel less than a person if the baby was a girl. I've been gifted with bagfuls of boys' clothes when the gender is not even revealed. My mum is slightly more discreet but pregnancy has made me rethink and rock further the relationship between me and my parents.

**
I've got issues and I admit it. I came from a less than stellar family and hold deep emotional baggages from the past. I still struggle with nightmares and flashbacks and their hauntings lead to a downward spiral of emotions. It has been years and I wonder if I'll ever be free.

Ironically, instead of making me appreciate my parents for their idiosyncrasies and their warped concern, I have taken to deeply resenting them instead because all these are overshadowed by abuses and neglect of the past. I remember a time when I was severely sick with pneumonia but no one noticed. I was raised by a maid and by the time I was sent to hospital, I had already fainted and vaguely remember the doctor berating my mum harshly. She did absolutely nothing for whatever reason and I was always brought up to believe that I was not worth any attention or feel unloved.

I worry because I am scared I'll grow into their likeness and struggle to obey the commandment to forgive. It is so hard. Many have said to go ahead and just make the choice but somedays, I feel like I'd rather die than forgive them.

I've contemplated cutting them completely out of my life but in moments of weakness, I let them in only to be disappointed all over again. They threaten my fragile state of sanity and of course, happiness. I secretly yearn to be as far and as independent of them as possible. I have mulled over the fact that perhaps, I might regret it one day when they bid their final farewells but on the other hand, I also wonder if that will bring closure. When your abuser, both physical and with neglect passes on, shouldn't that bring relief instead?

My uncles and aunties were victims of terrible physical abuse and they are still scarred well into their 60s. It is evident in everything they do and every facet of their behavior. I fear the curse continued and want to break it but I don't know how. I feel terribly orphaned even as a thirty year old and I know that has adversely affected my relationship with God.

I want a way out but don't know how. The child is but a distraction and I know that somehow, someday, these will be back to haunt me and I will have to face them head on.

Coming right up.. the gender scan!!!

I've told my friends that if I could, I'll live to have a scan machine so I can see my baby ALL THE TIME.

I cannot wait to see the baby again this saturday when my gynae appointment happens. I cannot wait!! I am so excited I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week. This is worse than waiting for an episode of my favourite TV shows coz this only gets aired once a month.

This week, we're going to (hopefully) find out the baby's gender. Baby hopefully cooperates and flashes at the camera. I'm also looking forward to feeling the baby's first kicks and am a little disappointed that I've yet to feel them. I think I've felt them but honestly, 16 weeks is a bit early for a first child and I think it was really just gas. The husband felt it too and I doubt a kid that young can give such a mighty kick.

Such is pregnancy. You suffer, get excited, forget and tadah! The kid is born!

In other news, I still puke from time to time but other than that, I am getting the hang of things and starting to accept that unsolicited advice will come. I still have plenty of issues to deal with and gripe about (if I choose to) but the joy of expecting the baby far surpasses everything.

I also have a nagging feeling the baby will look mostly like its father because I've been super adoring my husband. I look at him sleep and think to myself..." oh, this is what baby will look like" and marvel at how sweet he is. Of course, it is a different story when he wakes up which I suppose will be quite similar to how I'll feel if baby screams my head off.

We'll see!

Eternal first trimester

The pukiness doesn't end 

15 weeks

Every wed, when the baby turns a week old, it seems to commemorate by making me violently puke some time close to midnight. 

pre natal depression

There's a huge dark cloud shrouding my mind and all I know is that I'm trapped and I'm alone.

My family has made themselves deaf to my pleas and cries for help because it goes against the anything-bad-can-happen-to-a-christian belief. Therefore, I must be really lacking in faith and am feeling like a complete outcast.

When my mum was down, I took her in no questions asked. I cared for her even though she was largely absent in my childhood and was the least favoured kid. This is how she repays me. That's why God already made the provision such that "when your father or mother forsakes you", He promises to take you in..

Yet, I don't feel very taken in. My husband has rendered zero emotional support and kept asking me techinical questions like why , what's the trigger etc?

I don't know these answers except that I seem to be the trigger. And I'm pulling the trigger soon if respite doesn't come.

I want to run away with baby until none of them finds me. Because while I was here calling in my loudest voice through every possible medium for help, I was cruelly ignored.

My heart was breaking with every cold shoulder I get but it persisted. Now, for the sake of the baby, I have realised I cannot give it grandparents who never learnt to be parents in the first place. I have to start afresh, with the little I've got and move on.

Now, I'm just trying to gather strength like dust from the floor so that I can stand up again and face the odds stacked against me. So that I don't get so confused I think dying is the better solution.

Pregnancy thoughts and feelings

I was feeling so low after the massive pukes despite being in second trimester. It was SUPPOSED to abate but no, it surged back with a vengeance to announce that I'm really really pregnant. 

I know I have to see it as a good thing because this means my hormone levels are like spectacular and baby is growing well but the puking got to me at some point and I got quite depressed.

Today however, despite the puking was marvellous. Cali came to my house. I was supposed to meet her outside coz God knows how badly I need to feel normal but I was hovering around the toilet bowl so much, she brought duck rice to my door step!

The rest of the afternoon passed with us chatting and me puking intermittently. It was one of those few days which where the nausea is not relegated to evenings but the whole day.

I had to stop talking and just lie down or jump up and rush to the toilet to throw myself up blue.

At some point, Cali started to help me fold clothes, sort out  my laundry and even pack my table. It's such a chore and I felt so bad for her doing this for me. My maid had been on leave during the worst of times and now one of my best friends is really doing the work instead! I felt so so so bad but grateful. 

Seriously, I have the best friends or what? They come when I'm at my ugliest, grossest, with nothing to offer and give and give. I am so grateful.

So yes, there are setbacks on many fronts and I'm like a permanent fixture in front of toilet bowl but there's still cheer and stuff to be grateful about. :,) Praise the Lord!

Note to baby: you're too blessed!!

Violent puking and sleepless night

I am miserable. Lying down now but I still have urges to retch up a storm. 

Dear baby, I really hope you love me and will arrive like an angel straight from heaven. Because I have endured a good deal while gestating you. 

Counting down to December

Lost count of the number of times in the last few months I puked bile.

Yesterday was a good day until my nose detected the odours of lotus seed paste and I threw up a storm complete with bile, muscle spasms and a splitting headache that followed. 

Sleep has been fraught with panic attacks brought upon by various stressors and I'm finally getting the crazy urge to pee.non.stop. Think the uterus is finally tilting towards the bladder.

I also get some numbness in my legs every few hours when I sleep and am really surprised because this is supposed to be a third trimester symptom. 

Nobody said it was easy. 

I just didn't realize what a ride I was really in for!! Now I don't even remember pre-pregnancy freedom and energy levels and mobility. 

But I'm thankful baby is healthy and that's what really really matters now. Keep growing well and remember to smile at the camera tomorrow so I can see you clearly! 

Metamorphosis

I hates dragon fruit. I bought three earlier and wolfed it down.

I pretty much am a noodles person now. I used to be all rice and pasta. 

Just two examples out of too many changes. 

By December, I might not know who I am anymore. 

Return of the nausea monster

Nausea has returned like a violent and ferocious tornado after seemingly tapering off. I've had violent pukes, muscle spasms and even had to shampoo my hair and flush my nose to get rid of all residual smell.

Not very nice picture but a realistic account of the less favorable side of pregnancy. Not everyone can look like Kate Middleton and there are some who just puke way after the supposed taper-off period.

I know I shouldn't complain about this common affliction. But I do need to log this down to prevent myself from considering a second pregnancy without mental preparation. (And to remind my child the sacrifices I had to make) 

I'm looking forward to respite and reprieve when this ends. 

I am weak from hardly having any food today and need to relive days in a seemingly distant future when I had energy and life wasn't about sprinting fr bed to toilet and hovering around toilet for most part of the day.