On days like this, I just want to burrow my head into the ground and wait till everything blows over before I wake up.
Since 6pm, it has been a slew of bad news, one after the next. I was confiding in my mum that I can't take the pressure much longer and sometimes I wonder to God why in the world am I at the brunt of someone elses' bad decisions. I recalled times whereby I made mistakes that badly affected others and knew that I too, was forgiven and recalled the relief I felt.
It is so hard.
Have to try my hardest by His grace to get through it even as the storm is brewing and to hide safely in the eye of the storm under his wings. All I want is for baby to be safe and sound and I know that when I'm stressed, it affects him too. I can feel him kicking harder during moments where my heartbeat increases. I also had my spotting incidents during times when I'm most stressed or sleep deprived. These might be coincidences but stress has never had a positive effect on any living being and I want to protect him the best I can.
From the looks of it, I am mentally preparing myself to reorganize life such that perhaps some months after birth, after getting the helper settled and independent, I can return to the workforce. It is less than ideal and I weep at the idea of it because I really gave up my dream in retail and a high paying job with huge prospects (though family unfriendly) to be his mom full time. Now, as I don't have the most stable financial support from my husband, I have to be that for my son and that means, I can't be home for as long I want to.
The money we have will last us quite awhile thankfully and we do have some support from my parents. Based on these estimation, I can start applying somewhere around June next year and hopefully by year end, I'd be employed. My ideal job now is not a fast paced, big salary job with plenty of perks including free travel. I just want one that pays the bills, allows us to save and most importantly, allows me to be a mum. I want to see daylight and be the one who puts him to sleep. I want to wake up to nurse him and not have to drop him for a crisis at work that consists of staff not turning up or a sharp percentage drop in profits for the month.
It sounds selfish but I really want more than anything to be with him. If I can come up with a work-from-home solution, that would be ideal. Otherwise, I'm open to teaching part-time in lecturing situations or teaching tuition. These will not earn me the bucks I used to make but it will allow me to not compromise too much being with him. Lecturing in particular is close to my heart too and I can apply the skills I gained from 10 years in retail. They run courses 2x a week and have holidays too. While the money is just enough to get by, it allows me to only work at night for night classes when he is asleep twice a week. It might be a lack of faith in God and I'm open to be ridiculed for being a lousy christian for that but I do need some financial assurance. With the husband's job being very unstable and vascillating in the wind with no sign of surety or light at the end of the tunnel, it is only prudent for me to take up arms and hold up the fort to fight for baby.
Baby N, I hope you'll forgive me and continue to grow up strong and healthy if I do have to return to work. I promise you that I'll try my best to find the best job possible to allow us to be together as often as possible and you'll always be first place and not the job. I'm very sorry our original plan to be together doesn't seem to feasible now but we will work something out. I only want the best for you because you are the best thing that happened to me.
Now, I promise you I'll try my best to rest, eat and grow you well in-utero. You just stay put, kick happily away and only surface at 38 weeks when Dr Lim will open me up to receive you. You're not allowed to come any earlier and I promise I'll rest so that you get the best conditions to grow safely.
I love you so so much and I know I will do anything for you. Cliche and one day, you might cringe at that but until you, I have never loved anyone this much.
Mama has been paranoid because this pregnancy has taken many scary turns. Thankfully each time, we both pulled through fine by the grace of God but if anything were to happen, I want to make it clear to Dr Lim that He saves you instead of me. It would be a great loss for me that I wouldn't be able to discharge my motherly responsibilities but I've already lived a life and this time, it is really your turn. I can only pray that the right person comes along for Papa so he doesn't have to single parent you and has grace for that until she comes. She, must be everything I want to be or more and love you like you came out of her.
That aside, please know that I'll fight to stay alive, stay sane just to be with you. Just to be your mother. I know I was chosen out of the many to be your mother and deep down, I have the faith that I have exactly what it takes to be a good mom to you. I believe that God gave me supernatural strength and miralces to overcome and you'll grow up to arrive at your destiny. That there'll be no better mom for you, besides me.
I am far from perfect but I am wholly leaning and surrendering to God to do the impossible.
We didn't think you'll survive my allergy attack, my emergency resuscitation treatment or even come into existence with our infertility but you did. I have faith in you too. You're a fighter, a survivor and though you stayed small for so long, you are now two weeks ahead of your peers! I am proud of you.
We'll make it. Yes, we will.
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