Tuesday, August 29, 2006

the dad who can't let go

yah im in abit of shock at the revelation that God is that involved in my life. every detail of it has His fingerprint on it. only someone madly in love wld do things like these and it still shocks me that He fits the description.

i don't know where to begin except that i've made the decision to step into 'the office' again. to me, (at least back then) it was worse than stepping into a principal's office to receive my verdict and sentence. stepping into that office was a mockery in itself each time. because someone in that office asked to see me. because something was not right with me. because they think they need to help me. because they need to set things straight. no matter how i paraphrase the above few lines, it boiled down to 'something is not right...with you'.

despite hearing how right i am in the eyes of God from the pulpit week after week, when confronted with the incongruency that is served to me from that office just two storeys above, i let the 'upper room ' verdict triumph in my life. which ironically and sadly culminated in several painful defeats in life.

so i thought i would never be asked back in again. afterall, i'd made a decision to officially leave my church membership behind more than a year ago. and i'm officially a non-official member since i'd also left the church i'd first left them for. (ok i know this is complicated). that aside, i'm still really looking for home. and forthe people i can build ahome with or who would let me into their home.

its not been easy homeless. how i got asked back into that office is another marvel in itself. my mom had invited a pastor A to cometo our house. pastor B came instead when pastor A assigned him to since he had other commitments. Pastor B prior to coming to my hse had never met me. however, he'd heard of some saga(which happened 3 years) with regards to me 3 weeks ago. He stepped in,saw my photo and realised i was the one that was mentioned. i don'tknowif it was mentioned over official gossip although its highly probable but idon't care anymore.

anyway, back to what i was saying..pastor B then proceeded to inquire about me. He decided vehemently it was no coincidence that out of 12 pastors, he was the one chosen to come. and it was no coincidence someone brought me up to him. and it was no coincidence he chanced upon that photo. and it was no coincidence all the way. that it was God incidence and He had to meet me to give me a word.

i've been asking for the prophetic to increase in my life. now igot it. but i'm notsure if i want it.
i was then 'tasked' by my parents who were 'tasked' by him at least three times to get back to him and they too related how he kept saying how important it was. coz theres something i need to hear from God.

i refused to go initially and i know at this point some of you think i deserve to be slapped. but then you really don't understand what happened three years ago and how it affected me. and now to bring it up into the light again, at the risk of the calluses that had formed so carefully over my heart breaking and exposing those wounds translates into the risk i'm taking. yes,the risk to be healed.

alot of scenarious are running through my head. perhaps he'd tell me that 'oops wrong girl ar!" when i see him or perhaps...i don't know. perhaps God just wants this to happen for reasons above mine.

nevertheless, thank you Lord. i can't say i have a positive expectation of good that will comeout of this but i know its Him and if there's something i needto know, good bad or ugly....i'll have the grace to deal with it.

Monday, August 28, 2006

a day in the life of me

inspired my niq. whom i met for lunch today. coincidentally, having lunch with a friend is the only ' normal' human activity engaged today.

i didn't sleep again last night. not a wink and i stumbled to work almost headless. it felt like my head was empty. (pls dun laugh and agree). it was horrible and i was miserable. if not for the fact that the last cockroach was found under the table, i'd have gone under the table to take a nap since i was alone.

then came two meetings back to back. and another two, completely unplanned. i hate it so so much when people drop by unannounced and announce instead that they want me to do this this and that that when i don't even have the authority to. what they mean is they want ME to tell my boss what to do. as if that was the normal scheme of things either. i don't understand people. but then again, as my colleague frequently insinuates that i'm abnormal by going 'seriously, where did you park your spaceship?' ..i suppose they're the 'normal' ones after all.

so unannounced man decided to digress when i was already late for lunch appointmetn with niq. to discuss instead that i should have more boyfriends. amongst many other things. and even TRIED to quote scriptures from the bible (we attend the same church,to my disgust) to qualify himself. he insisted the verse to date more was in the bible. so i gave my bible to him and true enough, he didn't find the said verse.

i erm appreciate (sorta) his concern about my lifelong happiness because this man often drops by to give me career advice too. such as "you are in the wrong line!i'm gg to tell your boss!you shd be a singer!"

yah stuff like that. wait till he hears me sing. hurhur.

the ultimate highlight of the day is that i got a treat at hagen dazs!thanks to another nice man. perks of the job followed by a full-length interview as to why 'strawberry cheesecake' is my favouritest flavour.

ok theother highlight is that today my boss spoke to me about my jobscope. as some of you know, i'm currently 'bao ka liao'. from operations to techinical stuff to leasing/marketing and endless reports. then he broke the news that like at least 3 people will be coming in to take over areas of my portfolio and when he said that i was like 'huh?den what will i do?"

THENNNNN *drumrollllll*

he said i could concentrate on leasing which was wat i always always always wanted to dolah!!when i joined the company i told them that was what i wanted to do, but they said i got wrong degree wrong this no experience etc etc. and they asked me to do operations. and after tt colleague who was doing leasing left so i took over. den i thought whenthey hire someone, i'd go back to sad sad operations but TADAH!!!praise God. i got what i want and i get to concentrate on it.and now they're even getting someone to train me in all the legal and dunno wat stuff abt leasing. so that i'll be really trained and earn some credibility.

ok i'm so very thankful.praise God.i am amazed by how He so ingeniusly orchestrated behind the scenes just so He could give me my heart's desire. and now that i have like knowledge from theground and operations, its really a double edged sword that will truly give me an erm..edge.i'm so amazed at how i got entry into this industry , the opportunities and the opportunities even when i don't have anything in the natural to qualify myself for the job.

the latest?i've even learnt to read drawing plans of buildings that go beyond the floor layout. but stuff like plumbing plans, electrical wiring plans etc.

i'm fine as long as they don't make me draw lah. i mean for my previous job i literally donned a helmet and climbed into construction sites in my heels to survey the site. so i'm already very thankful for this.

**

drink coca cola pls.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

lee hom!

i really really wanto watch him when he comes to singapore on oct 21st
and i really need friends (actually just breathing human beings) to go with mee!!
so if u're interested pls let me know.

okok i'm desperate. enemies oso can. i'll make peace with you. strangers also can. just bear with me. buy you dinner later.

tickets are from $28 to $128. pleaseee

Thursday, August 24, 2006

garang guniang

there was this garang guniang who was the only female and the youngest employee in her company. her office was haunted as there were strange occurrences of things moving on their own and sightings of a man/woman.

the older erm men were scared when they finally saw it one day. little did they realise that the garang girl had already seen it so many times before when she was often left alone in the office and even went on working while shooing it off with the only (but most potent) power vested in her.

no she didn't let out her shrill siren-like scream. she went '' argh. this is my work place. leave me alone. GOOOO in Jesus name!" she couldn't even finish her sentence before the poor hell-destined spirit fled for its ''life''.

so now the older men think shez very funny(euphemism for strange). coz while they're thinking abt hiring a priest to bless this place, the garang girl has offered her priestly services at no charge. that they shd just give her some bread and ribena for it all to work. but they all acknowledge that when shez around, no trouble from the 'IT'. when shez not around, things start moving on their own and casper's friends pay a visit.

so i suggest they take her advice and give her the bread and ribena and let her do her thing. yes, it might be the same girl who barged into her boss' office to hide from a cockroach but she can rid the place of ITs.

worth it.

who defines and sets the measures as to what is truly 'worth it'?
by what/whose standards?

i don't wanto decide what's worth it or not. especially right now when it seems like the returns are zilch. i've received much and therefore i give freely. considering and weighing the pros and cons are just gg to add weights to my own skinny frame instead. and i'm afraid this skinny frame can only hold that much...

as this line rings in my head throughout the past two days as to what is truly 'worth it'...i realise my own unworthiness. as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so is 'worth'. we don't decide our worth. thank God. coz inflated egos will inflate their own worth and send us all reeling to outer space. it also spares us from self-pity which i believe is almost akin to a satanic activity. (too much pain).

i'm glad that He decided my worth. my high priest in heaven who came as an offering himself. and the Holy trinity decided in the courts of heaven that i'm worth it. i'm worth the price, the blood, the gruelling journey from heaven to earth ...and then to hell. so i refuse to barter what's worth it with fellow men. coz while my life and my being might be worthless to mortal men, i choose to price it like the rarest gem because of my own estimation of the sacrifice (which i pray will increase everyday). i was worth the fight with the kingdom of darkness. i was won over and ransomed so that darkness can no longer lay a claim to my life. so that i can belong entirely to Jesus and this is how i will live.

i'm so heartened that the creator of Heaven thinks i'm worth it. its inexpressible especially when i've been confronted with the blunt truth of fellow human beings who has openly declared with actions and words that i'm not worth it.

i'm not going to return that comment or even let it sink an inch into my being. i just wish i had the chance to tell you and you and you that God thinks you are worth it and i share His sentiments.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

find rest, my soul

"father you are king over the flood
I will be still
and know You are God"

-Still, Hillsongs

psalm 31:12-24

I am a reproach among allmy enemies,
but especially among my neighbors
and i am repulsive to my acquaintances
those who see me outside flee from me.

i am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind
i am like a broken vessel
for i hearthe slanderof many
fear is on every side
while they take counsel together against me,
they scheme to take away my life

but as for me, i trust in You, O Lord
I say, "You are my God''
My times are in Your hand
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies
and from those who persecute me.
Make your face shine upon Your servant
Save me for Your Mercies' sake.
Do notlet me be ashamed, O lord, for I have called upon You.

Let the wicked be ashamed.
Let them be silent in the grave.
Let the lying lips be put to silence
which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

Oh, how great is Your goodness
Which You have laid up for those who fear You
Which You have prepared for those who trust inYou
In the presence of the sons of men!
You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
from the plots of man
You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the Lord
For He hasshown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
For i said inmy haste,
"I am cut off from before Your eyes"
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to You

Oh, love the Lord, all you His saints!
for the Lord preserves the faithful
and fully repays the proud person
be of good courage
and He shall strengthen your heart
all you who hope in the Lord.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

hanged

L to R: my nameless rat-like hippo, sherbert, pohpiah, porkchop, zhu tou
Absent: yang yang (whom i refused to send to wash with the rest because he is white)

God of small things

even when my life is severely disarrayed (thanks to work and nonsense) and i find myself caught in a mini but brewing storm , i see Him in the clouds. actually, He is standing above the clouds reminding me that Heaven is just on the other side.

i hate to admit this but i really don't know God. i dont know His heart. even after 10 years, i still find myself so often back at square one wondering His plan and His purpose and what in the world is He thinking when He sees me and what i am going through. i was never made to second guess Him or to beat Him to the right answer but to trust.

i guess thats it. that i just really have to believe that His love is not to be held hostage by the circumstances in my life. that He really does have my best interests at heart and i am a priority in His scheme of things.

its been difficult at work but i've been shown no less mercy and grace. even when human relations get a tad bit tacky and sticky and i just wanto flush myself down the toiletbowl to escape it all, i've somehow emerged higher and better. much to the chagrin of people who think i'm too young and blur and simple to manage anything. little do they realise that they are indeed right but the secret behind the magic is my Lord, quietly operating behind the scenes like a faithful servant without claim of immediate credit when He is actually the Lord of the universe.

as much as i'm humbled, telling these incensed souls that 'it's Jesus' will just hate Him even more. which is why i refrained. in this case. i don't know if its the right thing because i like to think of myself of jumping to give glory to God first (maybe a vain attempt to believe i, am capable of not shaming His name ALL THE TIME).

as it is right now, Jesus does not have a very good name in the workplace. i really want Him to shine. even if its not through me. because so many people need to know that if there's any light at all at the end of the tunnel, its Him. and tunnel life is so not fun. somehow, as much as i wanto broadcast Him in the workplace, i feel like i have to refrain and let my actions and practices demonstrate them instead.

it's easier said than done of coz. but if i've learnt anything at all, actions really do speak volumes more than words. gossip,practicing double standards,lying may be common practices of the world but a child of God is to have no share in these things. a high standard to live up to for most but if we see the purity that His righteousness entails and all that we've been vested with to be empowered to live THAT kinda life...is it not the least bit alluring to even want that for ourselves?


Friday, August 18, 2006

blessings to count

3 years on, he still celebrates that he is the privileged guy who gets to hold my hand. with sole exclusive rights. and i remember exactly why i chose him. (and contrary to popular belief, its not because i have no choice!) and how despite the lack of the grandeur of the sparks ignited from whirlwind romances, i was swept away. i always wondered what it was about him that never ceased to make my heart melt because he is commonly described as a woodblock and even i, cannot dispute that.

he didn't come with roses(not even a blade of grass), poems and excessive sweet nothings. actually, he didn't come with anything apart from a hope that i'll choose to love him back. and his hope in Him truly did not disappoint.

for this i'll be forever thankful.

he never could give me all the accessories of romance that hollywood painted (which unfortunately has unconciously been etched in my perception as a fairytale romance) ie. romantic dinners, flowers flowers flowers, gifts etc. but he never failed to let me know the priority that i am. that when i'm a wreck at 3 am and he is sleep deprived, he'll still be there. that when i'm pimply, i'm still beautiful. that when i'm impossible to love, his commitment to me still stands.



for these, i'll be forever glad.


things like that make everything else worthwhile.

i'm the richest girl in this world. because i have isaac quek.
thank you Jesus. for his birth, his salvation, his redemption, his future.

and i melt again.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I am..

the cry of your heart
the reason for the cruxifixion
the product of the ressurection
the target of your love
the home of your spirit
the magic of your creation
the miracle of your redemption
the motivation of of the cross
the daughter of God.

need colleagues/friends at work.

work hassn't been smooth but nonetheless graced.

this week i find myself counting down endlessly to the day i take off for melb. i really need to get away from work. people relations haven't been easy and suddenly i'm thrusted from working aloneto working with people i don't quite know how to gel with.

feeling like i've been given more responsibilities and expected to over perform without any recognition and compensation. sounds like a looong grumble looming ahead and i'm afraid to indulge myself too.

all i wanto do is hide in His arms.away fr it all.

this week the only line that kept ringing in my spirit is that "God does not give us overcoming life but gives us life as we overcome''. by oswald chambers i think.

pray for me before i scream at somebody.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

National Day

8 Aug:
10 am: mee rubus
12pm: nasi padang with extra rice.
7 pm: 1 plate of chicken rice
8pm: 2 tau kwa poks.

9 Aug:
7.30 am: diarrhoea
9.30 am: 1 plate of chicken mushroom spaghetti + soup
12 pm: basil chicken with rice (thai)
12.30 : bowl of caesar's salad
3pm: prata
5pm: 1 bowl of laksa
6.30 pm: dinner at home (rice, red date chicken, more soup, abalone, fried fish, tofu etc)
8.50 pm (now): i think what i'm feeling now is commonly known as indigestion.

happy birthday singapore

*burp*