the dad who can't let go

yah im in abit of shock at the revelation that God is that involved in my life. every detail of it has His fingerprint on it. only someone madly in love wld do things like these and it still shocks me that He fits the description.

i don't know where to begin except that i've made the decision to step into 'the office' again. to me, (at least back then) it was worse than stepping into a principal's office to receive my verdict and sentence. stepping into that office was a mockery in itself each time. because someone in that office asked to see me. because something was not right with me. because they think they need to help me. because they need to set things straight. no matter how i paraphrase the above few lines, it boiled down to 'something is not right...with you'.

despite hearing how right i am in the eyes of God from the pulpit week after week, when confronted with the incongruency that is served to me from that office just two storeys above, i let the 'upper room ' verdict triumph in my life. which ironically and sadly culminated in several painful defeats in life.

so i thought i would never be asked back in again. afterall, i'd made a decision to officially leave my church membership behind more than a year ago. and i'm officially a non-official member since i'd also left the church i'd first left them for. (ok i know this is complicated). that aside, i'm still really looking for home. and forthe people i can build ahome with or who would let me into their home.

its not been easy homeless. how i got asked back into that office is another marvel in itself. my mom had invited a pastor A to cometo our house. pastor B came instead when pastor A assigned him to since he had other commitments. Pastor B prior to coming to my hse had never met me. however, he'd heard of some saga(which happened 3 years) with regards to me 3 weeks ago. He stepped in,saw my photo and realised i was the one that was mentioned. i don'tknowif it was mentioned over official gossip although its highly probable but idon't care anymore.

anyway, back to what i was saying..pastor B then proceeded to inquire about me. He decided vehemently it was no coincidence that out of 12 pastors, he was the one chosen to come. and it was no coincidence someone brought me up to him. and it was no coincidence he chanced upon that photo. and it was no coincidence all the way. that it was God incidence and He had to meet me to give me a word.

i've been asking for the prophetic to increase in my life. now igot it. but i'm notsure if i want it.
i was then 'tasked' by my parents who were 'tasked' by him at least three times to get back to him and they too related how he kept saying how important it was. coz theres something i need to hear from God.

i refused to go initially and i know at this point some of you think i deserve to be slapped. but then you really don't understand what happened three years ago and how it affected me. and now to bring it up into the light again, at the risk of the calluses that had formed so carefully over my heart breaking and exposing those wounds translates into the risk i'm taking. yes,the risk to be healed.

alot of scenarious are running through my head. perhaps he'd tell me that 'oops wrong girl ar!" when i see him or perhaps...i don't know. perhaps God just wants this to happen for reasons above mine.

nevertheless, thank you Lord. i can't say i have a positive expectation of good that will comeout of this but i know its Him and if there's something i needto know, good bad or ugly....i'll have the grace to deal with it.