Wednesday, October 27, 2010

pin ball

1) Rojak mix of sadness and deep anger
2)Talitha Koum
3)Confronted a very unlikeable soul. Didn't do too much to quench the fire within.
4)Wants to file some people away in the 'archives' folder of my life. Not worth it.
5)Wants to create a new file and fill them with new people.
6)Wants to fire some people from their positions as friends in my life. In their face. But not worth the time so wants to just walk away and never answer their calls/messages/emails again.
7)Wants to eat some serious bbq seafood.
8)Needs to make some serious dough. Why do I have so many things to pay for when I don't even shop?Ah, I have a house.
9)Raising ERP is a bad idea. Especially before the elections. This will stick big time and this time, I will not be bribed by any GST ang pows! But I don't get to vote..URGH.
10)I am too lousy a friend to those who have loved me just as I am and I'm too good a friend to those who don't deserve it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dreamt I was taking a maths exam withe likes of our current prime minister and another guy called cao cao.

No hope of doing well especially if it's graded bell-curve style.

And there was this fatalistic apt tune in the background.

Yay.
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Pit-iful

Psalm 42: 5

Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why are you so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him
my savior and my God

I found myself in the pits this weekend. I don't know what's to blame-the haze, pms or the sum of all things but it was just difficult to dig myself out of the pit when I was armed with a tea spoon.

I focused on the negatives and the pit got darker.

Somewhere along the way, this verse crept into my conciousness like a whisper from heaven and I just knew that God is here with me. Even in the pit.

And that's enough.

Misery needed company but got a savior instead.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Betrayal

The kiss of betrayal left a scar.
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Pollution

The haze is not just polluting the air but various social networking mediums such as facebook. People are polluting it with profanities to express their disdain for the haze. Guess the lack of oxygen is threatening coherent civilized living.
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I dreamt

of another moment in time
when I was still a young adult but empowered with the prerogative of hindsight
I was guileless and yet I knew it all
I wasn't afraid
But I was reserved
No longer wearing my heart on my sleeve
It must have fallen off while I was running for the bus

But yet the tongues still wagged unfavourably
And like I didn't before, I still didn't care
"somethings don't change''

It could have turned out very differently
this thing called life
but here I am now
I don't even know which one is the real dream
or if this is illusory
or if I'll wake up in the next few moments
to return to that moment
and reverse my decision
or if others' decisions will be reversed for me
the doors were sliding so fast
i dashed through them
and I don't know which paradigm I ended up in
but now I see no doors
only walls

24 hours after that dream
still shaken
24 years after
maybe the haunting will stop
I'd have lived a whole cycle
another generation would have arrived
at the same narrow gate

Maybe that's why my dreams took me back
play it all in slow-motion
so that I can relive them
gain the clarity I left behind in a haste to escape
and
gain relief

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

In the light of eternity

Words of Jim Elliot: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose''

Jim Elliot is a matyr of/for Christ. He gave his life willingly to the people who savagely took it, true to their cannibalistic nature. True to the verse that Jesus so famously spoke, his life fell to the ground like a seed and went on the sprout forth a harvest of souls for the eternal kingdom of Christ.

As I contemplate death at this unearthly hour, I find myself thinking of this verse which epitomizes perdition to our enemy, ''o death, where is your sting?" Truly in Jesus, the sting of death has been withdrawn and there is a promise of a more glorious place awaiting. More than that, there is the eternal presence of God forever as a dwelling.

So really, why do I hold on to my life so tightly in light of an eternity with Jesus and not use it as a gift and lay it at the altar of my savior and king? Why do I guard it so selfishly such that my interests are so protected I pretty much garrison myself in, rendering myself futile for any good works? I've seen life on earth as finite yet I've allowed it to envelop and become an all-encompassing view of life, when there is so much more to this.

I pray ''use me'' and then withdraw in fear. Surely my heart weeps too for a lost generation, an oppressed people, a weak church-the very reason why Jesus left heaven to die such a painful death here on earth. Why?

Why do I withdraw
why do I fall
why do I leave it all at the altar
and the very next moment falter

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Bah-rant-eweeeee

Too many things I don't understand and don't know.

I shouldn't be so frustrated since it was no big revelation that I'm not omniscient. But why this antsiness within that renders me so discontented and unhappy?

PMS seems like the only logical answer. Been wanting to eat up the world and I had 2 full dinners (1 Peranakan) within a short span of 3 hours. Thought that'll make me somewhat happy but when I got home, there it was again. The 'arghness' hits me again and this time I can't even rise (literally) to wage a good battle and 'be of good cheer'.

I want to engage in something frivolous and yet I have zero frivolous desires. I HATE the ardous task called shopping even though I'm facing a serious 'I-have-nothing-to-wear' crisis, I hate the weather so that pretty rules out anything outdoor and I'm out of detective shows/novels.

Oh joy, you are too elusive. Wherefore art thou??!!!!
BAH-RANT-EWEE
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Friday, October 15, 2010

Persecuted church

Currently reading a book on true accounts of the persecuted church and it brought me so much grief as I share the pain of my fellow brothers and sister from afar.

While I applaud their unwavering faith in the midst of terrible trials, I cannot help but get angry at the oppressive regimes that have subjected them to imprisonment and ruthless torture.

But yet the mightiest and sole weopon that they have is a love that never dies. An unquellable love and mercy that sends itself to die for its worst enemies.

It has to be supernatural, to love people who have subjected your body and soul to unspeakable abuse. I have yet to understand this fully and it blows my mind.

Praying and praying for the persecuted brethren.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Vulnerability

Spoken to encourage someone serving in a hostile muslim country...

"I know this makes you vulnerable. Consider that God was vulnerable, he saved others. He didn't save himself.we have to manoeuvre ourselves into a position where we are vulnerable,but for one purpose: to save others. "
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Monday, October 11, 2010

Alive!

Just a short note to prove I'm alive.

Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.

There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.

This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)

There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.

I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).