Saturday, August 27, 2005

above

apparent incongruency
that's the cross on calvary

grace at its fullest
love at its greatest

yet judgment so merciless
leashed out upon one
cruelty so full
evil so dark

but they all meet
at the cross section of divinity and humanity
on that lonesome tree

that dark afternoon on calvary

"earth if chosen instead of heaven will just be a region of hell and if put second to heaven to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself'' -C. S. Lewis

"if then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things of the earth." col 3:1

Friday, August 26, 2005

return to me

ever wondered what might be resounding in the father's heart?

what have i done wrong
was it something that i said
was it something that you wanted
was it something i withheld
what cld be the reason
that you'd turn and walk away
where could you be going
are you coming back some day
my heart is slowly breaking
but one question still remains
how long will i be waiting
to see you here again
i love you and i still believe
that you will love me too

i love you if you return to me
i will return to you
to this place where i last saw you
i've returned a 1000 times
a thousand tears have fallen
a thousand dreams have died
but i believe the day is dawning
i'll see you coming down the road
i've had a ring made for your finger
and the servants made a robe
and the calif has been made ready
our favorite feast is overdue
cause one chair at the table
is empty without you

inspired by the story of the prodigal son
by Jason upston

By Jason Upton

"we do not see God as the ruler; we rule and order our own steps and then ask God to bless them. when He chooses not to, we get angry!"

(i was slapped awake by that simple line and i'm sorry i let me run my life instead)

When You Were A Child

when you were a child
I called you my own
And you were mine
When you were a child
You could not stand alone
But you were fine
i want to know that child again
maybe time has changed you
but love remembers when
you called my name and like the wind
i carried you away
it seems only like yesterday
when you were a child
when you were a child
the world was the unknown
but you were wise
to simply trust in me
that i will never leave
and hold on tight

Sunday, August 14, 2005

the love of God.

i just wanto be a trophy of His grace and be safe in a crazy home.

pls sing this hymm out loud to yourself all over again if you're feeling alone, confused, scared or just simply abit starvedof love.

i can't believe the lyrics of this song was found scribbled on the wall of an asylum. no way the person who knew the love of God could be insane. if thats where they keep people who know his love, then i am taking consolation coz i'm housed in something akin to an asylum. and i know i'm in the thick of his plan. so there.


the love of God is greater far
than tongue or pen can ever tell
it goes beyond the highest star
and reaches to the lowest hell
the guilty pair
bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled
and pardoned from his sin

o love of God how rich and pure!
how measureless and strong
it shall forevermore endure
the saints and angels' song

could we with ink the ocean fill
and were the skies of parchment made
were every stalk on earth a quill
and every man a scribe by trade
to write teh love of God above
would drain the ocean dry
nor could the scroll contain the whole
tho' stretched from sky to sky

Friday, August 12, 2005

5 days in an entry

this week:

i haven't had time. been too busy. infact i have a headache now.

but im generally alot happier. God has been more than very sweet, patient and kind. thank God for onlinebibles that have been my main source of strength and encouragement in the office. it allows me to tune in to God surreptitiously without looking too obviously skiving. i love the message version so much...

this week on the whole has been a huge emotional rollercoaster ride (whats new?). for awhile i thought i'd just remain in shock and i thought i'd never snap out of it. i thought i'd just play dead so the troubles will leave me alone but alas, thats just a lousy lie fromt he pits of hell. i might as well face it and enforce the victory that Jesus has purchased for me.

slowly but surely, i feel something inside me transpiring. im still tempted to panic and give into frustration about many many things but really...the light inside me is shining much brighter than the seemingly overwhelming darkness and its been so heartening knowing from non christian collegues that they see it in me. the noticeable difference that i never really quite believed was truly palpable tangible and visible. apparently the glow of joy is so noticeable especially during crunch periods. to Jesus be allt he glory i say. most glad to be able to shine for him. of coz it shouldnt take their testimonies to validate the truth that sits snugly in my heart...so i don't know why im still surprised.

***
okok now the drumroll segment. the corrinne may concert!

its like how good lor. i was so in awe.it ministered to me in so many ways i can't describe so i'll try to do it in the best way i can. im such a fan now so forgive me if i tend to be biased.

so glad mei ling asked me to go even before i heard her songs. yah..i think we booked the tickets so long ago that i had to be reminded of the concert. my tearducts activated from like the first song and by the last song, i was all puffy and mucusy. not a pretty sight so thank God its dark.AND its no way the sad sappy kind of ambience...theres just so much hope and you can almost see the struggles she had to go through. its all reflected in the beautifully penned lyrics which i believe was inspired from a greater source. (WE SHARE THE SAME GOD) after all the crying, you can't help but feel hope and joy. shes just yet another glorious testament of His goodness and faithfulness. i don't know exactly what journey she had to take to be where she is today but that beautiful night at the esplanade concert hall, i could almost see Him smiling down on her.

i dunno but her songs speak volumes and it seems to speak directly to me. don't ask me to commento n the technical part, the acoustics etc...i won't know what to say.i can't tell the difference. all in all, i feel like i can identify with every song and she sounds so much better live. i love her already as a person and theres just something so beautiful, raw and vulnerable about her that you just can't help but love.

i wish i had pictures but no photography allowed. sigh.

***
sch has officially started for zac and i feel so odd and displaced being where i am...working. it almost feels like yet another holiday job and i'm just patiently awaiting to choose my modules. i miss lectures, lunches with him, the cheap food...etc. i miss the whole experience, the good and bad.

gone.

now i'd just have to embrace this unique part of my journey alone with Jesus and wait patiently for him to join me in the workforce. Hez been very well taken care of by Jesus and ...i'm going to cherish every minute of my journey. yes, even though its not altogether a 10/10 experience and it drives me to the brink of despair all too often.

allthings will work out for mygood as the word has promised and i know that i'm learning and growing and being shaped and moulded into all that i was made to be.

slowly but surely.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

lambs playing along

i have a lamb dance. he has a lamb song.

its really very cool

Saturday, August 06, 2005

a list

am going to live the high life that He called me to at the heavy cost that He already paid.

am not going to change what is beyond me but am not going to let it change/warp me.

am excited.

am precious to the great I AM



Stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

jars of clay- if i stand

Thursday, August 04, 2005

why must i title everything?its so difficult

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart
It's a new day - in a new land
And it's waiting for me - here I am

bryan adams

entering the new land.today was different again. and idon't know why exactly but it seems to mark yet another turning point. something transpired once again and its too difficult to define it. but anyhow, its beautiful.

i called in sick today because i was just not well and i decided i really needed a break. yes, only after 3 weeks but yah. it hazznt been easy but thats all i'm ever gonna say abt work here. i refuse to blog about work. at least not until i'm done with it.

however, what nearly because a dark and cloudy day( i don't mean just the weather) turned it to be so beautiful and bright. admist the thunder and blinding rain, God painted a beautiful rainbow in my own sky, just for me.

things like these makes me just wanto go out and celebrate life, with him. how certain things worked out for us mysteriously and no less miracalously makes us just wanto fall down on our knees all over again and just weep our hearts out. while offering nothing but heartfelt praises to the king of kings...the lord of lords. theone we call our God and Father and Brother and Friend and Savior.

i truly cherish him and cherish us. the trials and challenges that we had to go through together, that threatened to tear us apart only makes me more confident at the end of the day tt we will make it. just as He said. and knowing that i have His endorsement is all i need really. if i have to go through it all again just to be with him, i'll do it all over again. and i thank only Jesus that what keeps us together is truly greater and stronger that what even attempts to tear us apart. including me, the past, and kaypoh people, and loved/hated ones alike.

i would like to say that i've not tried to give up and take the easy route by throwing in the towel. i would like to think i endured, kept the faith all the time. but i didnt. only one person kept the faith consistently and its neither me nor isaac. He also happens to be the mediator when our fights turn so ugly we make the joo chiat everitt road pple blush...He also happens to just be always there in the sweet and sour times. (sounds like a dish i like).

And that is always wonderful.

to me this season, i am knowing Him more and more as my restorer.

its tough to be completely honest here coz i still have reservations abt the judgments that might come forth as a result. but honestly, its been lonely. for both me and isaac. and im glad now we are having some semblance of a true family. good Godly parental figures have been ushered into our lives to love us and while all too wary at first, i think i'm really thankful. its nice to be parented for the first time in 22 years. to be able to have a good glimpse of what kind of father the Father really is in a human being is awesome. for some people, Jesus just shines out through them and its so evident Jesus lives in AND through them. so beautiful.

wanto be like that.

its been extremely hard and there is no point going into how hard and dark it has been. how i've gone fr being depressed, stressed, maniacally happy, deathly ill with all sorts of physical ailments. i've grown disillusioned with people generally, thanks to the double mindedness and hypocrisy i've witnessed and experienced first hand.i don't wanto go on lambasting coz i'm giving these too much undue credit for the distress that i've even allowed them to effect my life for what seemed like only too long. rejection only tastes bitter when u swallow it. the trick and smart thing to do is spit it out. i took too long to learn that.

i nv entertained any grand illusions that i'm ok completely stable, altogether there and i've built up too many walls, and a fortress of sorts altogether as a result of these experiences. i wazznt even sure if i'll ever be the person that God made me to be. i'm no where near pulling down these mighty walls and to be honest i wanto keep me and isaac inside the safety of these walls forever.

but today, i think i'm making the first step to come out fromthose shadows. no pls dun take this as an open invitation to rush into my life if i din even give you this blog address in the first place. go away. not because i wanto but for him, i know he wants this more than i do. its not fair to him at all and i know that God will protect us as He always have. and i know He darzen want me living on the defensive. and i know at the end of the day, i'll have to come out. for my own good. so that i can finally live free and truly live.

don't judge me. (well you could, but it wun have an effect on me)don't even offer comments.don't msg me. don't tell me. simply because i'm not at the place whereby i can love anyone and everyone.

Monday, August 01, 2005

a shake head moment.

one of those days...

him: ok i wanto go watch the apprentice already...
her: huh?you wanto wash whose panties??!?!

When i needed a savior - matt redman

Looking back on time
Seeking to remind myself
of allYour mercies I can testify,
on every page of life
Your grace just keeps unfolding...and unfolding
You made me fruitful in the land of my suffering, Father
You made me hopeful in a place of no hope
Poured oil of gladness on the wounds of my struggling,
and YouPoured oil of healing on the depths of my soul
When I needed a Savior, You were there, You were there
When I needed a Healer, You were there, You were there
When I needed my Father, You were there, You were there
You are here...You are here
Ever since the dayI looked upon the crossI've realized Your mercy
For every stage of life
Sweet and bitter times
Your grace just keeps unfolding...and unfolding