why must i title everything?its so difficult

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart
It's a new day - in a new land
And it's waiting for me - here I am

bryan adams

entering the new land.today was different again. and idon't know why exactly but it seems to mark yet another turning point. something transpired once again and its too difficult to define it. but anyhow, its beautiful.

i called in sick today because i was just not well and i decided i really needed a break. yes, only after 3 weeks but yah. it hazznt been easy but thats all i'm ever gonna say abt work here. i refuse to blog about work. at least not until i'm done with it.

however, what nearly because a dark and cloudy day( i don't mean just the weather) turned it to be so beautiful and bright. admist the thunder and blinding rain, God painted a beautiful rainbow in my own sky, just for me.

things like these makes me just wanto go out and celebrate life, with him. how certain things worked out for us mysteriously and no less miracalously makes us just wanto fall down on our knees all over again and just weep our hearts out. while offering nothing but heartfelt praises to the king of kings...the lord of lords. theone we call our God and Father and Brother and Friend and Savior.

i truly cherish him and cherish us. the trials and challenges that we had to go through together, that threatened to tear us apart only makes me more confident at the end of the day tt we will make it. just as He said. and knowing that i have His endorsement is all i need really. if i have to go through it all again just to be with him, i'll do it all over again. and i thank only Jesus that what keeps us together is truly greater and stronger that what even attempts to tear us apart. including me, the past, and kaypoh people, and loved/hated ones alike.

i would like to say that i've not tried to give up and take the easy route by throwing in the towel. i would like to think i endured, kept the faith all the time. but i didnt. only one person kept the faith consistently and its neither me nor isaac. He also happens to be the mediator when our fights turn so ugly we make the joo chiat everitt road pple blush...He also happens to just be always there in the sweet and sour times. (sounds like a dish i like).

And that is always wonderful.

to me this season, i am knowing Him more and more as my restorer.

its tough to be completely honest here coz i still have reservations abt the judgments that might come forth as a result. but honestly, its been lonely. for both me and isaac. and im glad now we are having some semblance of a true family. good Godly parental figures have been ushered into our lives to love us and while all too wary at first, i think i'm really thankful. its nice to be parented for the first time in 22 years. to be able to have a good glimpse of what kind of father the Father really is in a human being is awesome. for some people, Jesus just shines out through them and its so evident Jesus lives in AND through them. so beautiful.

wanto be like that.

its been extremely hard and there is no point going into how hard and dark it has been. how i've gone fr being depressed, stressed, maniacally happy, deathly ill with all sorts of physical ailments. i've grown disillusioned with people generally, thanks to the double mindedness and hypocrisy i've witnessed and experienced first hand.i don't wanto go on lambasting coz i'm giving these too much undue credit for the distress that i've even allowed them to effect my life for what seemed like only too long. rejection only tastes bitter when u swallow it. the trick and smart thing to do is spit it out. i took too long to learn that.

i nv entertained any grand illusions that i'm ok completely stable, altogether there and i've built up too many walls, and a fortress of sorts altogether as a result of these experiences. i wazznt even sure if i'll ever be the person that God made me to be. i'm no where near pulling down these mighty walls and to be honest i wanto keep me and isaac inside the safety of these walls forever.

but today, i think i'm making the first step to come out fromthose shadows. no pls dun take this as an open invitation to rush into my life if i din even give you this blog address in the first place. go away. not because i wanto but for him, i know he wants this more than i do. its not fair to him at all and i know that God will protect us as He always have. and i know He darzen want me living on the defensive. and i know at the end of the day, i'll have to come out. for my own good. so that i can finally live free and truly live.

don't judge me. (well you could, but it wun have an effect on me)don't even offer comments.don't msg me. don't tell me. simply because i'm not at the place whereby i can love anyone and everyone.