i abdicate my kancheong queen throne

"I Know Who Holds Tomorrow"

I don't know about tomorrow,I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from its sunshine,
Cause the skies might turn to grey.
And I don't worry about the future,
Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.
There are things about tomorrowThat I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds are silver lined.
And, over there the sun is always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.
There are many things about tomorrowI don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Yes I know who holds my hand.

hephzibah speaks

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i am by no means on a spiritual high of any sort
nor am i remotely encouraged
i am fraught with fears, stresses i never thought i would have.
i feel alone and at times helpless.
i feel lies penetrating my mind and i don't want to be stuck in the rut of confusion

deep down inside, i know God is good. very good. My GOD FOR THAT MATTER BECAUSE HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST. and i don't want anyone to come to me giving any other alternative impression. if i have what it takes to crush any demon, i'll do what it takes to shut the gap that attempts to make me think otherwise up. it involves a needle and thread.

these lies are trying to convince me in feeling abandoned. in such a trying time, no human help is needed because it takes everything divine and it has to be THE correct divine source. i'm not trying to psych myself up...i'm just desperately clinging on to every remnant of truth i know while the lies flood and swarm in. i don't even have it in me to pay attention to human encouragement. only He can get through to me now.

the lies oso try to tell me that His way won't work. unfortunately, my only answer to that is that even if it darzen, i don't really have any other way so i got no choice but wait. so shaddup.if these liars insist, they can sit along and wait with me and watch my miracle unfold. yet again.

i want very much to break down and cry but at the very end of the day, i know i'll have the last laugh. i know i'll get to taste victory. it seems far and elusive and impossible even as this point and i wanto throw in the towel and give up very badly but somehow deep inside i know i'll prob end up writing an entry praising God and ranting abt His faithfulness and goodness endlessly.

He paid such a heavy price ...He wun choose to forsake me now.
i tried to forsake Him many many times in this 21 years. didnt work too well. am no fool to repeat the same thing over and over again to expect different results. i'm staying stuck here..and i'm not going to move. Hez gotta move on my behalf. now it looks like nothing is happening coz i'm judging with my human eyes. perfect eyesight maybe but i just can't see through His eyes right now.but i'll wait...

can just hear Him saying this...
you've been lost in the wind
and the rain of a storm at sea
the waves crashing over your back
and you're crying out for me

but as the ocean rages
i am sleeping in the boat
but i have a plan, i'm holding your hand
and i'm keeping you afloat

i'm never gonna let go
my love for you is always true
I'm never gonna lose heart
cause i'm holding on tight to you
should the cruel wind chill your soul
when the world seems out of contro
i'm never gonna let go of you

the day's old, this desert is cold
and a dark cloud covers the truth
fix your eyes on the horizon
the light is breaking through

you are my beloved child
forever in my heart
after the fall and after it all
you're safe within my arms

everything was done so they would come...

i thought in my own foolishness that some things are simply beyond God. such as the salvation of hardened stony people like my grandma who has been an idol worshipper for the longest time. even after a half century long courtship by Jesus, she was never won. even after witnessing miracles that are too supernatural to explain, she refused to budge. nothing seemed to move her

and den all of a sudden, one day i received news that she said the sinner's prayer all by herself. thats barely like 2 mths ago and now shez partaking of the holy communion regularly on her own coz its 'supa powerful' in her own words...and has received the gift of tongues. talk about exponential growth.

another old lady...the mother of a close friend of my mom..has been in and out of ICU and has been afflicted with so many probs in her health i lost track/count. each time she was prayed for, she would walk out of the hospital but that was not enough to win her heart over. talk about stubborness. but Jesus is so patient and long suffering. HE nv gave up so in and out of ICU she came and went...abt 6 times in total. in just a year or so..and one day as she lay in bed, presumably thinking she was dying, she saw Him and his angels around her..and all i can say is that she is now on her way to heaven. still alive and out of ICU..but this time she brings with her Jesus in her heart.

the stoniest hearts can be melted with His love. i'm very impressed. very. lookin at my grandma, she is such a different person. barely recognizable and her faith is ...incredible. simple yet powerful. just like the savior. for such a young convert, i'm just so impressed and in awe of Him. the glorious work He has done in her.

i lurrveee my dentist-

refer to two entries back...my miracle has arrived!
ok so the ulcer was well documented.

last night at around 1 plus am.i had a toothache and i was rather worried because its on the right side. the ulcer is on the left..so that effectively means that i wun be able to eat at all!horror of horrors!!!

i prayed abt it..actually i whined to God about it in my ventriloquist voice because i cannot open my mouth and made a mental note to visit a dentist the nxt day. but the thot of an evil looking man in white poking weird elongated pieces of metal into my mouth while the gaping ulcer is still there...is just pure horror. i was upset. i tried to sleep but i couldnt. i cried to Him desperately for help and told Him that i refused to worry and therez nothing that He can't handle. but i continued to worry..and sleep was elusive.

some time later...i finally sorta drifted off to sleep...-i think-.den i saw myself on a dentist's chair...and i felt a warmth hovering over the lower part of my face...so i just obediently opened my mouth. i felt the warmth direct itself to the part of my gums that hurt so badly...i couldn't see the dentist's face but i saw his hands..well he wazznt wearing golves and i saw that his hands were pierced. no weird metallic shiny things oso. just the hands.the nail pierced hands.

anyway i woke up this morning and hunted everywhere for the pain...but it was no where to be found. the ulcer still looks the same but i totally believed its healed too. it can't have escaped healing when the healer was there rite? its painless oso even though the symptoms of it not being healed are just glaring at me in the eye...and i can talk with my mouth open and sing tonight for bs!!and i can eat anything!forthe first time in 5 days....

praise the Lord...praise the Lord. He has dealt bountifully with me. my wonderful healer. my dwelling place. hallehlujah!!!

OH TASTE AND SEE THAT THE LORD IS GOOD!!!!

=|

i've been browsing blogs and i've found like a grand total of 5 exclassmates from my mgs days.

wow. i feel like some sorta of peeky voyeur just looking into their lives from afar. kaypoh.

i just feel so bad now. thank God for mercy. was such a brat to isaac now and by that..i dun mean just throwing tantrums. i was downright unreasonable.i just had to insist on my way somehow even though i knew i was so wrong. i feel like hez been shortchanged as a result of my demand. oh God...pls restore to him much much more.

but he was so sweet and compromising and forgiving and gracious. allow me to borrow one line from the bible but the goodness of isaac...or rather Jesus in isaac leads me to repentance. shorwee.=(

tmr was long and tiring and thats partly because i din get a good rest last night because of the damned ulcer. i basically talk like a ventriloquist now with my mouth barely open coz it hurts to open AND den close it. i felt so wretched and this feeling had to spill over to the one i love most...
bah...sorry sorry sorry!

still feel kinda gross right now but because i'm rather sedated...it aint that bad.
really hope things get better tmr coz i wanto be able to sing during BS tmr. and eat 3 full meals. something i havent exactly been doing in a long time.

psalm 116:6-7
the Lord preserves the simple;
i was brought low, and He saved me
return to your rest, o my soul
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

updated.

ok this is the updated list of things that i can now eat..

-udon(i basically cut it up and just swallow)
-mashed potato.
-porridge
-soup
-sardines..any kind of fish. nicely shredded
-fruit juices
-jelly

this is not an easy time for me. i am already thinking abt what to eat before Bible study at suntec tmr.
and i find myself surfing the website of californian pizza....at the menu section.

i need my miracle.
boohoo.

"I am the God who healeth thee"

the day started with me jolting out of bed in pain.

i would scream but i din..coz i can't. it was too painful. some creatures just dun haf the flair for history...remembering details that took place. so i clearly reminded my greatest yet defeated foe that the ulcer was taken by Jesus on the cross and nothing he can do is going to separate me from His love..and in this case...His healing!i don't understand...if he can remember what he did on sept 11, why not the cross?urgh.stupid mean piece of crushed shit.pui

but for now i can only drink soup. the ulcer is at the back of my mouth near the part which is the 'bridge' between the roof of my mouth and the bottom...and itsrather huge. so any attempt to open my mouth or chew is arduous and treacherous. so im sorta..fasting.

which is fine by me coz i really fell in love with the seafood soup at clementi hawker centre and i have alot of instant campbell satchets with me even as i speak. i'm well armed in the event that hunger pangs strike. it feels like the cambridge diet or something like that but i'm blessed and i don't really wanto lose weight now....and because i've the wonderful ability to eat the same thing over and over again everyday (possibly for all 3 meals) and not get sick of it...im doing fine. until i eventually get sick of it..which will be the year 3000.

speaking of this reminds me of the time in primary school whereby i ate pandan cake for 30 cents everyday for 3 years straight. that strange phenomena explains why i dun touch pandan cake at all now. can't even stand the smell.it makes me pukish. so now the trick is ..when i see something i so love to eat...the maximum i'll go is eat it for a week straight. otherwise...that poor food will never be able to see me again for the rest of my life and thats just unfair...to ..it.everyone (or thing) needs a life long allegiance from anyone (or thing). just so that u noe that u'll never alone.

for me i'm disgustingly blessed. i have Jesus and Isaac..and my list of favourite...food and people.

You and me ...always.

there is a peace

there is a joy

that settles here

in your presence

when your face is very near

your love erases every fear

its the power of your presence

its the strength of your hand in mine

its the beauty of your great love

that has the power to change my life

Jesus is the only one i can receive anything, tangible or not yet truly lasting from. my state of emotions right now is no where near fantastic. but there is His everlasting joy and peace. praise God.

so many questions. wrangled mess. i wish i was less complicated a person. i yearn for some sort of empathy but i turn to no one but Him knowing full well that no one will truly understand. iwill not even offer the chance for anyone to understand anymore because these things have long expired. He said that He himself is more than enough for me and will be all that i ever need in a friend and so much more and i'll take His word for that. sometimes the more human beings you rope in, the messier it becomes. learnt the lesson well and clear but sometimes, despite knowing so, i just wish there was someone who truly truly understands...here on earth. maybe just so that i'll feel less like an oddball. maybe because misery simply needs company. but i do have company.

i don't understand these irrational fears. and why they surface and torment. and why they culminate in the problems that they are. its not like a fear fear but more like...an 'issue', an uneasy unsettling feeling. no idea how to put it across either. and they are irrational simply because the human mind declares so. no other concessions made for the legitimacy and it might truly be a warning from someone whos omniscient who lives inside me. none of this sort....if im to tell anyone that is.

its ok if at the end of the day i realise i'm truly wrong. i will be simply relieved knowing for sure but right now, all i know is that uneasy feeling i have which is so palpable and i know the direct linkage to it so why is it that i am dismissed when i simply chose to confide.

some answers wouid be nice. not just for me. but for now, i'm sticking to the old routine of guarding my peace and steering from the path that renders me completely unpeaceful and sick....even when the human mind darzen agree and comes in conflict. even if no one else sees it. even if i'm alone in this.

in the eye of the storm

sometimes i just need one friend
just one, in the crowd to understand.

im adopting the isolationist policy. the USA relented not too long after adopting their own..or rather they were provoked to put that aside stand up and fight and..eventually win.maybe thats the same for me too.

for now i just need a hole for me to hide in and wallow in. i dun want anyone else but Jesus. not that i have plenty of choices to begin with in the first place. things simply don't look good and i don't want to mind anyone's business, not even my own.

its the emotional turmoil that is really debilitating in my case. i only know i only feel safe in that mighty strong tower with Him and Him alone. i don't know when i will come out. i am not a coward..im just an escapist. i don't like to see what i don't like to see so the simple option is always to put them out of sight by putting myself out of sight. by hiding in recluse.

my mind is not at rest, my heart has no joy.Hez telling me to watch and see...watch and see what He has prepared for me. yes, to take my eyes off the unfavourable circumstances but not shut them completely to what He can do for me, to what He has done for me, the cross. even in my most dire straits, Jesus speaks, Jesus answers. -weak smile- i don't even have it in me to see anything that He wants me to see. everything that He has said and has promised seems so far away, seems so impossible and elusive. for now i really can't be bothered with how glorious its all going to be..i'm too caught up with how dark it currently is..until then...

selah

for the mountains shall depart
and the hills be removed
but My kindness shall not depart from you
nor shall my covenant of peace be removed
says the Lord, who has mercy on you

O you afflicted one
tossed with tempest, and not comforted
behold, i will lay your stones with colorful gems
and lay your foundations with sapphires
i will make your pinnacles of rubies,
your gates of crystal
and all your walls of precious stones

hooray!

i just need to make this announcement

a contestant for spore idol who got in just thanked JESUS CHRIST ON national tv...."to my lord and savior JEsus christ.."he said he couldnt have done it without HIm.

so wonderful.finally someone dares to say HIS name and give glory to HIM in public.at the risk of risking votes. i love this!

Jerry ong definitely has my vote.

at the beginning

we were strangers starting out on a journey

never dreaming what we'd have to go through

now here we are and i'm suddenly standing

at the beginning with you

no one told me i was going to find you

unexpected what you did to my heart

when i lost hope, you were there to remind me

this is the start

"they are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of your house.."psalms 36:8

today i saw my parents smile with so much glee like nothing can ever bog them down again because they saw the goodness of God in their lives. its like little children opening up their christmas presents on christmas morning. and that alone filled my heart with joy. i wanto see this more often.

despite all our numerous conflicts, our 'irreconcilable' differences... i know i want them well. because Jesus in me does and loves them very much. and i can just see how happy Jesus is today watching them.

it thrills my heart even more when they recognize the source of their blessings as Jesus.
it thrills my heart to know that prayers come to pass...and i'm seeing them unravel before my eyes.
its my heart's prayer that they prosper in health and spiritually even as they prosper.
immature and faithless as they are, they are testimony of the Lord's goodness and grace, unconditional love and sweet mercy...because they've been blessed with so much.
i just pray that the Lord awaken them (and me) to how blessed they really are in Christ and may the Lord continue to rain His blessings down on them.

this is a huge encouragement to me. although i know that i wouldn't be able to partake of that huge blessing that God just rained upon them....not much anyway...
this is a sure sign that He is taking care of them and my heart is at rest. that He'll do the same..if not more for me. my mum's simple prayers..simple requests with no faith declarations can get answered so swiftly...God is so good.restoration is indeed here.

praise you Jesus. thank you for saving us.

because He lives,
i can face tmr
because He lives,
all fear is gone
and because i know
i know He holds the future
and life is worth the living just because He lives

redeemed from the maluation.

i thank the Lord that He is never embarassed about me. inspite of me and all that i do.

yesterday i was in class with a fellow christian friend. and we were dozing off...because the lecture was just so painfully boring. and she casually said that its so bad she always falls asleep and its such an embarassment to our Lord.

i stopped short and jolted awake. not literally..but something inside me just pained. then i thought...if thats what it takes to embarass my God, then i would be guilty of many many other charges. i cannot even BEGIN to remember the innumerable times i have 'given Him a bad name'. and i honestly think that He doesn't want me to start.

"there is therefore now no condemnation..."

so the question is..."is God embarassed?"
i dun think so.with all of my heart. because if He was, He wouldn't have died stripped and naked on the cross for the world to see. He wouldn't take the scoffing, the spitting the abuse. for Me. when He well knew that 2000 years later, i'll be here, walking the earth in His glorious name and doing things that are well..not too honorable. and it's not just sleeping in class, cutting church queues. i shall not elaborate and leave all things under the mercy seat. thats where they belong anyway.

it's really nice and a huge relief to know that He took all my shame. and now because i have trusted Him to be my righteousness, there simply izznt a shred of shame to look forward to in life. no devil can laugh in my face knowing full well that i know i will have the last laugh...while looking at their master, headless and in pain...under my feet.

i honestly can't imagine Him slapping His face and covering it in shame because i've done something 'shameful' in human terms. can't imagine Him saying.."alamak...xinying is sleeping in class again.whole day sleep and sleep...15 years in sch alrady still sleeping.."yes He did turn red at the cross but not with embarassment but because He was covered from head to toe with my ransom-His precious blood.

i will nv nv be embarassed!simply because of His finished work. and its even better news to know that God is not embarassed of me! in the bible, He calls me His pride and His delight. ...yes..even me. and He shows me off with glee to all angels and pricipalities. i am His prized possession. which explains why it thrills His heart when i declare that i am the righteousness of God in christ. He is not ashamed at all to acknowledge that i am His princess...blur and sotong and silly as i am. okok..must change my lingo..see thru the eyes of faith, alert discerning and wise...yep yep thats me.

He is not ashamed of me and that makes me so so so so glad. when i was much younger, i was ashamed to say anything that is indicative that i am christian to pple who dun share the faith and the God. i think that must have pained His heart but all is forgiven and now i echo paul that we're not ashamed of the gospel of christ...the name of christ and all that He has done. if we were to be, alamak....its as good as saying we're ashamed to be alive, because thats the only reason we are..and how we are entitled to a glorious hope and future.

He can't wait to show me off and declare to all that I'm His! in my opinion therez nothing to show off, but its ok. its His opinion that matters anyway.

and she's NOT so lucky

nah..no allusion to the britney spears song up there.
(btw i am blessed beyond the curse);)

today i talked to so many pple on msn while trying to clear my readings. well i did end up clearing a grand total of one..out of so many others..but im still pretty much pretty much confused. minorities of southeast asia is NOT a fun module to take. thats the only thing i learnt actually.

someone casually mentioned that i was lucky because somehow i just get thru my life and things happen to fall into place. non christian commentary but while i was magnifying my own probs and inadequacies...getting thru the mad and sad chapters of my life..it seems appalling that that shd be a feature at all that characterized my life from a third person perspective.

well it apparently was.praise God.

if they only knew
that its because what God has blessed, no man/demon can curse.
the monumental mistakes i have chalked up in my 21 years. some still serve as a constant reminder of the deep pits i was dug out from. all because i wandered thru life with my eyes closed.
the anxieties that so often (less often now praise God) that tried to take root in my heart and plague my mind..
and how God sends His sweet comfort and restores my sanity
that i have been utterly faithless and fell prey to the dauntings of the enemy
and it took a God who cared and loved to extreme lengths to salvage my fragile existence.
that i am nothing without Him.
that i have no beauty in and of myself
that i am an utter bankrupt.

if only they knew
the rock which i was hewn from,
the covenant which i am a part of
the God who left heaven so that He won't have to go through eternity without me.
His everlasting promises
His extreme love that mind can't comprehend
that He is a good God

if only they knew that the answer is Jesus
if only they knew that the name to call is Jesus.

so glad i know these things.i wanto know more.and i want more people to know...

jeremiah 32:38-41
they shall be My people, and I will be their God;
then I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear(worship) Me forever,
for the good of them and their children after them
And i will make an everlasting covenant with them
that i will not turn away from doing them good
but i willput my fear(worship) in their hearts to that they will not depart from me
Yes, i will rejoice over them to do them good, and i will assuredly plant them in this land,
with all My heart and with all my soul