Tuesday, May 26, 2009

can't wait.

daddy's going to atlanta on sat.
mei ling's going to cambodia on the same day.

=(
can't wait for malacca/australia. both jesus infused themed-trips.

Monday, May 25, 2009

i might be the girl the star fell on.

destiny.

I know its there and more real to me than it ever was say 10 years ago. it has to be a greatness that I can't even dream about. that encapsulates every atom in my being. that can only be Him.

we were truly born for such a time as this. not to luxuriate in all that this world currently offers on a slashed price tag but so much more. to saltify and light up a world in deep peril, at the small window and threshold where His light can still shine before another ruler enforces his throne.

I cannot just sit around to wait for another weekend and to not make each minute count. Im a warrior and a bride and both takes plenty of preparation. it just was never meant to be so easy. The vision burns too brightly for me to look the other way and besides, looking the other way would really kill me. I was born to be this and trying to brush it off would be a gross injustice to the Master who carefully designed me for the said purpose. Sometimes, the hurts and discouragements of life set me back so much I can barely move an inch. But then You happened.

my destiny is bigger than my business. my family. its bigger than me. its tied to so many others i can't afford to be held back by petty griefs incurred because of offenses. the lord almost assured in His word that there will be offense. thanks to you , my sin will be as grave as yours if i chose to ruin in and let my flesh execute vengeance. but He cried mercy even for those far more savage. and ever since He began his ministry, he is all about redemption and then....*drumroll*, he happens to live in me. its a difficult difficult choice. its like dying and I need so much wisdom and grace to get through it. to will to forgive, to lay off the debt and injustice. but my destiny is at stake and I know I wouldn't have it any other way. God can do without me anytime of the day and my part toplay might be considered small in the light of eternity and all the others who have gone before me. but small as mymantle may be, its mine. and if its done for Him, i know its worth it.

I was really inspired by what was shared in the church bulletin which was an exerpt from Lance Wallnau's article. Love to share it with you all.

"The West Point Corp of Cadets, class of 1915 was no different from any other cohort until the nation entered into its hour fo crisis. Suddenly, a class of ordinary students, captured in a crucible of history, was transformed into company of statesmen and warrirors, set apart by God to save their nation and the rst of the world from the tyranny of ruthless dictators. This particular West Point class of 1915 is famously called :' The Class the Stars Fell On'.The demands placed upon this class for leadership was without precedent. After graduating, the class of 164 cadets saw more than a third of the class promoted to the rank of General. Actually, 59 in all-24 Brigadier Generals, 24 Major Generals, 7 Lt Generals, 2 Generals with 4 star, and 2 Generals with 5 star'."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Isaac vs Paris

and Isaac wins. (I think )

yesterday he asked me if i would take up a trip for an all expenses paid (including shopping) trip to say somewhere like Paris if he couldn't make it. if it was somewhere like Asia, i might give it a pass more readily.

i vehemently said no at first. if Paul Mccartney didn't spend a single day apart from Linda during their 30 + years marriage, I just don't see why I should. I mean, the thought of spending 3 days away from him in Sydney is already quite unbearable as yet. I would like to think myself as rather independent. as in even though i'm not blessed with a great inate sense of direction, i somehow can survive, find food and lodging and manage in a foreign city alone. (read: how i found first aid when there's none with a sanitary pad)

then when he said 'are you sure?even with unlimited shopping?" and i felt my 'no's waning in gusto.

but the verdict is, no one is banging down my door to offer me the above so i don't have to mull too much over it. YET.

but its really so hard to be apart. its like sometimes we overdose on each other and I can't wait to get a breather and miss the days i've got SPACE on my own apart from him, especially when we annoy each other. but the moment we're apart, i feel like i can quite die from lovesickness. and even though i always survive, the cliche stands true: absence does make the heart grow fonder.

most of the time, i think, we spend a good amount of time falling in love with each other over and over again. its not like we don't have our epic fights that threaten so much in this still young marriage but deep deep down , there is that unshakeable, precious bond that irrevocably binds us together . and He gives us enough grace to forgive, enough love to soothe away the hurts and harsh words every single time.

i hate to quote someone like meredith grey but i like her answer when Mcdreamy asked her what she would like in her vows -"promose to love me even when you hate me".

i just want to cherish and be faithful to all that He has given me and the vows that bind me. to love him well and serve him well. i've been loved with something so divine and i don't want to give any less. he is the treasure that God has given me and the vessel through which God has chosen to love me. imperfect as he is, i just want to give more and let Him always love him through me.

Monday, May 18, 2009

unrestable.

Flowchart

1)flu like symptoms
2) stomach flu like symptoms

course of action then: ignore.

symtoms proceed to get better. with a residue of cough etc.

3)flu seems to return with a vengeance.

complete with incessant sweat even at 20 deg, blocked nose and cough.

so the sinseh said i'm too week. not enough qi.
need to nourish badly.

faint.

12 packets of bitter bitter medicine later, i am semi recovering. and i know i am unrestable until some foreign ang moh medicine knocks me out for like 14 hours straight.

=|

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Marriage

It's almost 6 mths since we said our vows and signed away our lives to one another. despite having dated for 5.5 years prior to marriage, which i thought was a pretty long period, i am still discovering new things about him.

the first few months were like an orientation on how to live with caveman. its like a trip to somewhere quite as ulu as new guinea so that you can experience the wildlife and encounter God. the latter was good but the former nearly drove me insane. i'm an urbanite living in the 21st century. its like kate meets leopold (somewhat).

our long time habits also proved to be a point of contention that sparked off some fireworks (to put it VERY lightly). i don't understand why he must leave all the cupboard doors open after he takes his clothes. so imagine my horror to find drawers/cupboard doors etc open when i wake up in the morning. its like my house was ransacked! maybe God was testing my patience and love while Isaac tries to get into Narnia.

(if it happens, i'll begin course on Narnia 1101. at least it helps me to beat the heat in way too sunny singapore.)

our bed sharing habits also leave much to be desired. to his credit, he is not as bad as me although quite bad in his own right. since we have a king sized bed, i have tendencies to roll and do a popiah in my sleep.

one night after maybe just two rolls or so, i briefly opened my eyes in my stupour and found an empty spot on a pillow. so i laid my head to rest and slept relatively peacefully before i began the next roll. so in the morning, when i tried to roll again in the same direction, i was awakened by a yelp. for some reason, despite the no lack of space, we were both sharing the same pillow and the same little space and i hadcollided into him while trying to begin a roll again! sigh.

on a better note, i really like to watch him sleep. its like a comedy altogether watching him dig his nose in his sleep etc. sometimes he smiles in his sleep and presses both his hands together and puts them under his ear while sleeping on his side, like a child. how cute! then i cannot resist and i will try to kiss him while he is asleep and he will instinctively suddenly 1)flip over or 2)use his hand to brush me away. thankfully, i've mastered the art of ducking and injuries have been significantly reduced since the first month.

i entertain occasional thoughts about filming/photographing him in his sleep and posting them on facebook. but i don't think he'll appreciate it. so i ditched that thought.

so there, there's marriage 1101 documented for my children to read about. for me, it was like learning to live with a godly caveman. and for all its worth, its been wonderful.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

i dreamt a little dream

and woke up. thus explaining this 6.27 am post. i just couldn't get back to sleep.

i know the peranakan mania is over now that the little nonya has ended its run and it is for me too (even though i have tickets to the upcoming peranakan ball), so i really have no clue why i had this dream.

but it was so real (as with most other dreams) but it kept me awake long after its over. SIGH. i hope i don't fall asleep in church later.

i think what kept me awake was a mixture of pure relief and heartache.

for some reason, i was having a 'yueniang' moment and i had to watch my beloved chen xi fall in love with someone else and we can't be together because i said so and he moved on to marry someone else.

it was soooo painful and i cried and ached. the pain was so palpable it was like a shot of poison through my veins, rendering every nerve to violently convulse as it absorbs the pain of loss.

then i woke up to see my beloved lying still so sweetly beside me and i took a few moments just to watch him. hair all poofy and sleep digging his nose. i hope i can live to see this everyday. and i'll be really contented. i think the greatest pain is to lose the one you love the most.

and everytime i ponder about it, i cannot imagine how my Lord can ever recover from having to be eternally estranged and separated by the ones he loved so much he gave his life. and that makes me weep and endeavour to somewhat lessen that pain by praying/ushering my souls His way while I am on earth.

Joel 3.14
Multitudes, multitudes
in the valley of decision
for the day of the Lord is near
in the valley of decision.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

back from AWOL

-blows dust off neglected blog-
been meaning to document my thoughts but i kept forgetting.

keynot eevents in the past months include:
-semi breakthrough in the still one-girl show business.
-backaches due to coolie shifts
-appearing like a nut on national tv.

lately the perennial theme on my mind is 'letting go'. in retrospect, i have had to let go of a few dreams (which are the most painful), some people, tangible and intangible objects alike that i have held closely to my heart.

the pain can range from 6-100 on the excruciating scale of 10 but when you have to, there are no buts to it. hoarding stuff that you no longer have room for will damage the ecosystem of your brain. the hardest part is releasing it despite knowing the pain it will result in but for the greater good, do so anyway.

which also reminds me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsmane before he made his long hike up to the cross. ''nonetheless not my will but yours be done''. oh gosh, i can almost weep again when i hear that. and that also brings home the comfort knowing that nothing i've had to let go can equal what he did and find joy in that he gained so much more. ie. ME.

**
yesterday, i learnt that a cambodian taxi driver makes less than usd $4 a day after liek 12 hours of work. while buying an ipod for Isaac, and carrying shopping bags, I found out through a conversation that the sales personnel that was serving me at the epicentre orchard had to drop out of school because of financial reasons. at that moment, i recoiled and suddenly felt embarassed that while he was denied an education that i so took for granted for, i was also carrying shopping bags in the middle of the day in orchard while he is struggling to support a family after the demise of what i guess would have been the original breadwinner.

i am almost embarassed by the excesses of life and raged by the hedonism of the society i live in. if i could, i'd have offered him a scholarship but i couldn't. but whatever it was, i was in such a helpless situation being unable to help him. the few hundred dollars in my wallet won't help (much). the credit cards, membership cards to retailers from ntuc-just about every department store lining orchard road won't help either. i have nothing in my bag that can help him. i can't even donate the ipod i just bought. it means nothing to him. i was sad to learn, i was no doraemon and he is going to remain this way until my prayers for him are answered.

i scarcely know what its like to be poor. but my closest encounter which is the leap of faith we took earlier this year which left us with a young business, and just one income made me feel so miserable already. i wanted to cry for various reasons: because of the sacrifices he has had to make given his youth and because i'm such an incorrigible brat.

i took that encounter home with a heavy heart onlyto meet with more devastating news. when will He come back and His kingdom be enforced? there is so much pain and grief i can't alleviate on my own. i can't wait to take up my place in this grand plan of His..run, fight and most importantly, finish well.