back from AWOL

-blows dust off neglected blog-
been meaning to document my thoughts but i kept forgetting.

keynot eevents in the past months include:
-semi breakthrough in the still one-girl show business.
-backaches due to coolie shifts
-appearing like a nut on national tv.

lately the perennial theme on my mind is 'letting go'. in retrospect, i have had to let go of a few dreams (which are the most painful), some people, tangible and intangible objects alike that i have held closely to my heart.

the pain can range from 6-100 on the excruciating scale of 10 but when you have to, there are no buts to it. hoarding stuff that you no longer have room for will damage the ecosystem of your brain. the hardest part is releasing it despite knowing the pain it will result in but for the greater good, do so anyway.

which also reminds me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsmane before he made his long hike up to the cross. ''nonetheless not my will but yours be done''. oh gosh, i can almost weep again when i hear that. and that also brings home the comfort knowing that nothing i've had to let go can equal what he did and find joy in that he gained so much more. ie. ME.

**
yesterday, i learnt that a cambodian taxi driver makes less than usd $4 a day after liek 12 hours of work. while buying an ipod for Isaac, and carrying shopping bags, I found out through a conversation that the sales personnel that was serving me at the epicentre orchard had to drop out of school because of financial reasons. at that moment, i recoiled and suddenly felt embarassed that while he was denied an education that i so took for granted for, i was also carrying shopping bags in the middle of the day in orchard while he is struggling to support a family after the demise of what i guess would have been the original breadwinner.

i am almost embarassed by the excesses of life and raged by the hedonism of the society i live in. if i could, i'd have offered him a scholarship but i couldn't. but whatever it was, i was in such a helpless situation being unable to help him. the few hundred dollars in my wallet won't help (much). the credit cards, membership cards to retailers from ntuc-just about every department store lining orchard road won't help either. i have nothing in my bag that can help him. i can't even donate the ipod i just bought. it means nothing to him. i was sad to learn, i was no doraemon and he is going to remain this way until my prayers for him are answered.

i scarcely know what its like to be poor. but my closest encounter which is the leap of faith we took earlier this year which left us with a young business, and just one income made me feel so miserable already. i wanted to cry for various reasons: because of the sacrifices he has had to make given his youth and because i'm such an incorrigible brat.

i took that encounter home with a heavy heart onlyto meet with more devastating news. when will He come back and His kingdom be enforced? there is so much pain and grief i can't alleviate on my own. i can't wait to take up my place in this grand plan of His..run, fight and most importantly, finish well.