x** y***

now i know why i enjoy drinking tuna oil and love to eat tuna straight out from the cans so much.

apparently, according to some website...

my name is used to describe someone who enjoys stealing tins of TUNA.

the wonderering wonder of God.

He is alwayssss doing this to me.

He'll start by making me question something. then i'll ride on the question and brood over it. rack my brains upside down and still have no answer. then now i can't get rid of the question.

thus, establishing the theme of the day!

then He'll perform His magic and unravel the big mystery.

i'll read abt it in my devotionals, talk abt it to my bf who will seem to know all the scriptures related to this somehow, and then just when we thought we were almost through with this topic, dear walking bible bf will have a new burst of scriptures related and the whole picture will be pieced up nicely.

and we'll understand somewhat and go "WAHHHH''

usually this entire process takes one day or more.

**
today it dawned on me i'm almost like a female jacob. someone close briefly commented and mind you, its not too flattering. its one thing to say 'oh you have a heart of david..a heart that seeks after God" and another to say you are like jacob. with all due respect to jacob, erm..sorry.

i'm not like jacob in the sense that i'll marry two women/men who are related to EACH OTHER. its more like in the sense that i'm so hard to subdue..by God. i'm impulsive rebellious and irreverent. too much so for my own good. i've wrestled with God, been outright disobedient and ended up in the wilderness running from Godknows what and running to God knows where.

its been repeated bouts of that coz sometimes i just can't subdue my own flesh to be obedient. to believe that what He says its the best for me. i cannot guarantee that it will never happen again but at least this time, each time i decide to be funny...i'll rethink my decision coz i'll remember the futility of it.

i'm also not like him in the sense that i'll have 10 children. (i'll just have a 1000) but that i'm so blessing hungry that its brought me to the place i forgot the blessor. the upside to this attribute is that i know i can't do it on my own without God (but it hazznt stopped me from testing this truth out!) and the utter downside is that i totally neglect the blessor which is the truest epitome of blessing anyway. i have to get refocused and redirected.

ok now, don't judge me.

torrential rain.

i wonder if He spends His time in heaven looking down on all of us and cry and cry while His heart is totally gripped with pain.

because sometimes i feel like that. i cry for everyone it seems and anyone. (ok you you you and you might be excluded.) and i cry again because i feel so helpless not being able to help.

i don't know how to disengage myself or feel less.even if i've only known you for two seconds/two days/two hours. and so it goes on to affect me.

if it lessens anybody else's load, at least it'd be worth it. but it doesn't. but at least it drives me to pray. i just wanto see it work. please be open.

aside to me: please be patient.

so dream a little dream for me in hopes that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so that i can bear the pain
and hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer holds

the task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds

-bebo norman, the hammer holds

a glimpse into a parent's heart.

when on mc im pretty bored.

i found this..by a guy called tom fisher.

lately i've been thinking of how much i wanto adopt. actually not so lately. ever since last christmas when i signed up with shaohannah's hope. (i can't remember the website). it warms my heart knowing my little contribution helped a little child find a nice warm christian home. i used to wanto build orphanages. now i'd rather help build homes and hopes for orphans. for the record, there are more than 50 million orphans worldwide right now.

i think and smile when i see the happy pictures they post. and then i cry about the parents they leave behind. yes, i know most of them were abandoned in the first place but i started thinking of parents who birthed them out of unfortunate circumstances and wedlock and chose to give them up for abortion for reasons no one else will every understand. inspite of the pain and difficulty.

then i cry and cry. as usual. i'm thoroughly convinced while you normal pple are 70% made of water, i'm 120 %.

anyway here goes..

I dream of you

today i'm sitting at the spot
i call our secret place
with eyes closed tight i dream of you
the tears stream down my face

i left you here a year ago
it was to my despair
the emptiness within me
is more than i can bear

where are you today my darling?
where are you today my dear?
a part of me is missing
i wish you still were here

are you perhaps in china?
maybe right down the street
sometimes i walk right by that place
hoping our eyes will meet

i left you here my daughter
i left you in this place
each time i close my eyes at night
my dreams fill with your face

i will always love you
i will always care
even though i left you here
my dreams are yours to share

please forgive me little one
there was no other choice
when you close your eyes at night
your heartbeat is my voice.

documenting grace.

king david always turned to the lord no matter how bad the trouble was. even when the root cause of the trouble was wrought by him. only God could deliver and save and he had the best revelation of them all. that he could not save himself.

i clearly didn't have that revelation. i have no doubt only God alone could save me from hell but as i sojourn this earth and find myself in bottomless pits (not my stomach!) or valleys, i sought my own strength and devices to get 'through it'. i've tried everything from numbing myself by distractions to just willing myself in vain to get over it. nothing quite works until i allowed God to intervene.

it must be the greatest revelation of all. to know that God will always save His own no matter what. that He is faithful. that only He alone can truly save. i learnt that today and its liberating. nothing is too small for my God. even me. i'm not so insignifant that i can escape the eyes of God because He has converged all His love for me in me, on me. yes, the world is fighting wars from political, physical to spiritual and God cares about my little hurt. even when i don't dare to bring it to Him because i no longer know if its OK to do so. coz i'll be bringing not praise and offering to the throne but my little thorny bloody heart.

i thought that even if He is not sick of seeing me for the upteenth time with the same gift, i am. i thought one day, i'll bring something better. maybe that one day will come but for now this is all i have to give. and i give not because i love Him. not because its a wonderful gift but because He loves me and its horrid and He wants to take it away from me and give me something new, something better.

sometimes when i do know God in the rare moments like this when i'm slapped by His grace and kidnapped by His love i can't feel anything else, i really am shocked by Him. and how BIG all things about Him really are and how small i really am. but i'm not so small that His hand can't reach.

there is really nothing to balance grace, contrary to what i've been hearing. sure there are abusers of grace and i've been there when i get really mad because people really do abuse the liberty they've been given and seek pleasure in sin. but God's stance remains unchanged. grace is still shamlessly abundant even when sin is abundant. grace is still for the undeserving. grace is the open door for sinners to come home, for people who've failed time and again but still wanto come home. Jesus, being the personification of grace is the open door.

because i've walked through this door daily, i realised its never closed no matter what hour of the day it is. never mind that wars are raging and soccer fever is on. the operation hours of the throne room of God where rivers of healing flows remain the same. open to all, as usual.

all psalmed up.

Excerpts from psalms 55

v12-14 For it was not an enemy who reporaches me; then i could bear it
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
then i could hide from him
but it was you, a man my equal
my companion and my acquaintance
we took sweet counsel together
and walked to the house of God in the throng

v18 He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me

v21 ....his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.

v22 cast your burden on teh Lord
and He shall sustain you
He SHALL NEVER permit His righteous to be moved.

hibernation

sometimes i just want to ask God (and i do) how He expects me in all my regal robes of righteousness to walk through this filthy world ridden with pain and brokeness..

i don't know how Jesus did it because i can't quite fathom it. Him and them, is the epitome of incongruency. the clash of the worlds. but they somehow managed to gel. prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers. son of God. marriage made in heaven no?

i guess its the same. i look so hard at them i forgot about me. which is why sometimes i delight in distractions, coz i forget about my own frustrations. we never could gel until Jesus made the choice to. i am so glad that all i am does not disqualify me from His circle, from Him. and on the contrary, it is precisely coz i'm so pathetic helpless and gross that i qualify. because grace comes to the unworthy not the worthy. because He is my worth today.

i wanto despair actually. my natural inclination is so strong but im secretly rejoicing (somewhat effortlessly too) because its precisely in the pits that jesus' embrace is the sweetest. if i could pass the hug on right now i would. coz it'd mend any heart.

i want the gift of perception. i wanto be a friend of God so that i can know his thoughts like david did. esp his thoughts towards me. because somehow i don't quite know. i wanto know how his heart reacts when i'm hurt, when i'm happy when i'm etc etc. i wanto know him like i know myself. that i can even preempt his next thoughts and flow in sync with him.

i like the intimacy we share and i am so happy that nothing can take that away. just as paul said so clearly so many years ago, 'nothing shall separate us..' it feels so certain. i like certainty despite being resident of this world of uncertainty. i can feel no safer than this and i wanto pass it on.

its the remedy for loneliness. remedy for everything i say.

in the meantime i'll be hiding under my bed feeding on this remedy.

3rd sunday of june

-happy Father's day-

john 14: 8 " i will not leave you orphans. i will come to you"

i cannot imagine otherwise if You didn't fulfil that simple line. i'd be an orphan. its nice to belong to You. wonderful.

i just wanto be pleasing to you. help me.

can't wait to see you face to face.

almost disillusioned.

been a bit lost lately. i don't know how to balance trust and yet safeguard myself against the deceits of human nature. almost disillusioned.

i didn't feel the sting initially. maybe i've numbed myself and had no expectations in the first place. but it developed into an anger directed at myself instead. for a wrong done towards me. someone i'd trusted and believed in had stolen from me. i should have realised earlier since i was aware of the condition of her heart (or lack of ) but i chose to believe that i'd be an exception. because i was a friend. because i was a fellow citizen of the high kingdom. because that citizenship binds us by blood.

i was angry i was so stupid and naive despite having developed a (imaginary) resilience against disappointment when it comes to mankind. i thought that no one would dare to bully me now that i'm older and apparently fierce. (on hindsight someone told me that when i frown, i not only not look fierce, i just look lost and confused) i should have read the signs and obeyed the sinking feeling in my guts.

but the good news i've learnt is that now i know that God didn't fail me during that period. He didn't go against His word, His love and principles and forget me. He prospered me abundantly and i was successful. more than i even hoped to be. it was just stolen.

but now strangely i feel richer, and i see her as poorer. that i had that for her to steal. that that i never thought i'd have. so fast. so quickly. please pray that i'd forget her, forget and forgive my own stupidity and her. quickly.

for my own sake, i really wanto forgive her fast coz i don't think my little heart is big enough for grudges.

'i am salty'

while watching a soccer match

dad: wah the woman who sang the I am *mumble mumble* song very nice hor?

brother me and mum: what ' i am salty" song?

-dad just ignores us and went on eating his bakkwa.

later on we remembered that at church today, darlene sang..' i exalt thee' beautifully.

what i had to overcome just to get to work

so i got up all ready to go for my meeting at 8.30. armed with my brolly with big red flowers because the skies were grey.

then on the way back to my office...(the meeting was at another venue), i got blown away by the strong winds. literally. i couldn't control my umbrella. and i couldn't walk. and as i was struggling with the forces of nature, this short plump jolly man gaily skipped past me. yes, he was almost really skipping. and he went, "haha wind very strong hor?"

-bummer-

so my bosses decide that maybe its just me. me with the not too dense bones and less fat wrapped around those bones.

**

den 5 mins away from my office, i met the cutest little girl with the cutest little curls. when our eyes met (ah..a magical moment!)she came after me. and soon she was attached to my leg. and wouldn't let go.

and because i couldn't bring her to work, i had to wait for her maid carefully peel her off me.

His request

i think Hez been talking to me about letting my life reflect my relationship with Him and to let Him live His life through me.

its everywhere.its in my thoughts and my devotionals (from various sources) and stuff like that. i must really be the anti-thesis of all that right now. i'm excited!something is in the pipeline...

this is the day....

1)that the Lord hath made and i will rejoice (tried) and be glad in it.(inspite of it.)

2)that one of my favoritest loveliest person on earth turns 23!happy bdae shuxin!!

3) that i had to do a report with many numbers. and equations. and i cried at work.

4) i took a picture of an ugly orange skinny cat that my boss kept in the office.

5) i drowned my mp3 player in chrysanthemun tea and lost my songs. the last time i drowned a book in chrysanthemun tea but it survived. im semi distressed. i hate chrysanthemun tea.shd have stuck to faithful ol pokka green tea.

6) i rushed down to have it repaired only to be told its beyond repaired.

7)i spent 11 bux on a cabfare that would otherwise cost close to nothing.

8)i went for late night shopping (Great spore sale) and bought shampoo. (toiletries obsessed syndrome)

9) am so tired i can barely talk.

10)that has just ended.

phew.