hibernation

sometimes i just want to ask God (and i do) how He expects me in all my regal robes of righteousness to walk through this filthy world ridden with pain and brokeness..

i don't know how Jesus did it because i can't quite fathom it. Him and them, is the epitome of incongruency. the clash of the worlds. but they somehow managed to gel. prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers. son of God. marriage made in heaven no?

i guess its the same. i look so hard at them i forgot about me. which is why sometimes i delight in distractions, coz i forget about my own frustrations. we never could gel until Jesus made the choice to. i am so glad that all i am does not disqualify me from His circle, from Him. and on the contrary, it is precisely coz i'm so pathetic helpless and gross that i qualify. because grace comes to the unworthy not the worthy. because He is my worth today.

i wanto despair actually. my natural inclination is so strong but im secretly rejoicing (somewhat effortlessly too) because its precisely in the pits that jesus' embrace is the sweetest. if i could pass the hug on right now i would. coz it'd mend any heart.

i want the gift of perception. i wanto be a friend of God so that i can know his thoughts like david did. esp his thoughts towards me. because somehow i don't quite know. i wanto know how his heart reacts when i'm hurt, when i'm happy when i'm etc etc. i wanto know him like i know myself. that i can even preempt his next thoughts and flow in sync with him.

i like the intimacy we share and i am so happy that nothing can take that away. just as paul said so clearly so many years ago, 'nothing shall separate us..' it feels so certain. i like certainty despite being resident of this world of uncertainty. i can feel no safer than this and i wanto pass it on.

its the remedy for loneliness. remedy for everything i say.

in the meantime i'll be hiding under my bed feeding on this remedy.