almost disillusioned.

been a bit lost lately. i don't know how to balance trust and yet safeguard myself against the deceits of human nature. almost disillusioned.

i didn't feel the sting initially. maybe i've numbed myself and had no expectations in the first place. but it developed into an anger directed at myself instead. for a wrong done towards me. someone i'd trusted and believed in had stolen from me. i should have realised earlier since i was aware of the condition of her heart (or lack of ) but i chose to believe that i'd be an exception. because i was a friend. because i was a fellow citizen of the high kingdom. because that citizenship binds us by blood.

i was angry i was so stupid and naive despite having developed a (imaginary) resilience against disappointment when it comes to mankind. i thought that no one would dare to bully me now that i'm older and apparently fierce. (on hindsight someone told me that when i frown, i not only not look fierce, i just look lost and confused) i should have read the signs and obeyed the sinking feeling in my guts.

but the good news i've learnt is that now i know that God didn't fail me during that period. He didn't go against His word, His love and principles and forget me. He prospered me abundantly and i was successful. more than i even hoped to be. it was just stolen.

but now strangely i feel richer, and i see her as poorer. that i had that for her to steal. that that i never thought i'd have. so fast. so quickly. please pray that i'd forget her, forget and forgive my own stupidity and her. quickly.

for my own sake, i really wanto forgive her fast coz i don't think my little heart is big enough for grudges.