lost in wonder

you chose the cross with every breath
the perfect life the perfect death
you chose the cross
a crown of thorns you wore for us
and crowned us with eternal life
you chose the cross
and though your soul was overwhelmed
with pain
obedient to death you overcame

i'm lost in wonder
i'm lost in love
i'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
i am forgiven
i am restored

You loosed the cords of sinfulness
and broke the chains of my disgrace
You chose the cross
up from the grave victorious
you rose again so glorious
you chose the cross

the sorrow that surrounded you was mine
yet not my will but yours be done you cried.

-kisses from heaven-

fresh touch

praise Jesus. look what i found this afternoon....on the second last day of 2004

psalms 32.6-7

Surely in a flood of great waters
They shall not come near him
You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance

hallehlujah!

missing...ashley, raeann,gabriel, tammy, jasper, joseph, benjamin, chloe

my arms are still aching.but they're better.they were so painful i couldn't even pick up the phone. therefore....

NEXT TIME BEFORE NURSERY I'LL WARM UP.

its no easy feat carrying two fat babies one after another with another one attached to your leg. it gets even harder when the baby (fatTER after christmas) looks at me with imploring puppy eyes and go.."teacher...carry high high.swing"

and it darzen help that i cant say no to them when they are so adorable.

i love their smell, their everything. i feel tears well up in my eyes when i see their parents arrive for them even though i can finally rest my tired arms and my ears hear nothing more but a light buzzing sound. its sad that they are graduating out of my class come january.

so now i have strong arms.back and calf muscles. and hopefully renewed patience.

all i want for christmas is... just that one revelation...

what i must possibly scream and the song i might possibly sing when i snap out of this digusting cycle and His light shines in and all the darkness flees...

"was i out of my head, was i out of my mind?
how could i have ever been so blind?
i was waiting for an indication
it was hard to find"

restore joy. waiting in anticipation. im a desperate girl.He is a merciful and gracious father figure. i'll get to know what i'm hungering for. breakthrough around the corner...

christmas with the cranks ...and some little bundles of joy.

while the rest of the world feast on logcakes and turkeys, my family was busy making pohpiahs. i don't know why but every time we gather its over pohpiah. the main exchanges that were made throughout the course of the day include, "pass the chilli/garlic/pohpiah skin", "urgh"and silence stony glares. we are not a very affectionate family.no, thats an understatement. i can almost liken it to the gathering of the rudest, most selfish folks. yes, such a congregation exists.

thank God for my cousins. i love them. i love them so much. if not for them, i would have spiralled down depression even further and have truly had less to smile. apart from the wonderful pohpiah. i was just not in the whole yuletide mood. my mind was somewhere else, fragmented, actually its in a 100 thousand different places and the atmosphere did little to remindme that its christmas at all- that Jesus is the reason for the season. that we're here to love , to celebrate Him, not bicker over small things.

i don't have many cousins and joy was the only one i ever went to the same school with. thank God for mgs. i love her like shez my own little sis. although we're 7 years apart, we could go to sch together because mg had pri sch and sec sch together. and we had morning assembly together. and today while playing monopoly junior with little josh, she suddenly blurted this out, "jiejie..do uremember the time u had to raise the flag for morning assembly?"

i was caught off guard.i struggled to remember this. but at the way she was guffawing and choking and gasping for air, the genius in me deduced that it must have been some embarassing incident that i've stashed away to be incinerated. alas, it has resurfaced after this many years.

i was given last minute notice that i had to raise the flag because of girl guides duty. (yes, i was the only guide without any badges and the only outdoor activity i faithfully attended was outdoor cooking). i didn't even know how to put the flag properly. the instructions that were given to me was jsut to pull when the mari kita starts. i thought it was simple.no prob..after all, its yourback facing the rest of the school, no room even for stage fright.

well, so mari kita started and as i got started and the flag started advancing, a gust of wind blew. the flag just covered my entire head. pretty embarassing but its ok, i went on...no one can see me anyway...den as the flag got higher, suddenly i could hear nervous giggles. SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG!

flagw as upside down.i stared daggers at my friend and that look translated into smoething along the lines of .."I TOLD YOU I DIDNT WANT TO DO THISSSS."

so much for that. i would really have preferred to spend christmas somewhere else with some othe rpeople in some church that celebrates Jesus.i love my cousins but the grouchy relatives are too much for me to bear. even being alone and just singing praises alone won't be such a bad idea.

i yearn for time alone with Him and him. i don't know why but time has been choked up. i've been going thru these few days just breathing. existing and not living and struggling to exist even.hit a soul-low a few days ago.

yearning for so much more. need to hear Him talkto me. to minister and to have a private celebration. enough of everyone else. leave me alone, i won't bite but i'll clobber.

miss him. it sux that we have to spend christmas apart.

where to look

"Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
i will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" -isaiah 43.17-19

no reason to despair, whereever ur location and circumstance are. phew.

"and once again i look upon the cross where you died
i'm humbled by your mercy and i'm broken inside
once again i thank you
once again i pour out my life"- kisses in the rain

the mistakes of the throne of israel: 1) looking back at egypt.mourning the things that werent really all too fantastic. only in that moment of insanity did they think it was better than being led out to freedom. in my own humble opinion, this syndrome is nostalgia.

2) lamenting about the current circumstances because they refuse to believe in the glorious future /land in store for them. so wandering it shall be.

dun luk back. dun luk at now. look above. it'll show u whats ahead.

joy to MY world

i don't like blogging anymore, nor reading blogs. word racer is the name of the day.

the past two days have been awesome and this is probably one of my last blogs. before i close it down..bit by bit. or blog once every year.

was at zac's grandparents' place yesterday and God, they are like so lovable. a christian couple with 60 years of marriage. the hightlight of that session must be ah ma singing "beautiful sunday" and "thank you Jesus"...while ah kong (who is kinda tone deaf and deaf) just recited the lyrics. ah ma den tried to hush him so that she can continue her duet with her handsome grandson, isaac quek while i act as support..and come in occasionally and just clap along. i think that moment is divine and i see Jesus nodding. i think i personally prefer hanging out with the really old and really young. anything in between can be classified as dangerous, depressed, whiny and a pain. well..most of the time. if you are feeling offended, well, yes then, i am talking about you. but i still love you!(sometimes)

today was supposed to be an eating spree today and zac and i received a treat from faith and victor. honestly, they are such huge blessings with or without the treat. i really felt so blessed and joyful just being with them. with the food, everything was just totally perfect. and we topped off the day with BS, can anything get better than perfect? Jesus always tops my expectations. contrary to popular belief, i do get everything i want an di know i can. because i'm highly favoured according to the measure of Christ and He can do anything for me. yay!

really, its not just the activities. but the general sense of blessedness and joy that has been sinking into my spirit. some days seem to be pretty mundane and by my own standards, lousy...but its harder to even pay attention to the negative these days. some people in my life are perennial pains...and its not my job to neutralize or change them and although i'm often the subject of their personal anguish and frustration with every possible thing, its ok. its fun to ignoreand go on smiling whilie they continue fuming. i can't help it ok?sometimes the conciousness of Jesus and everything good is so strong these teeny weenee stuff just cant get me down. so for crying out loud, give up. i wish the conciousness of Him and His gdness and love was strong and high everyday but when it izznt, Hez there to remind me gently, to give me a peace that my mind does not comprehend, that my heart sometimes refuse to comply.


whatever...i'm not even going tow aste time looking at these situations and people, i'll let Jesus handle them while i focus on what He wants me to focus on. when i remotely look at these things, i feel like i'm wasting 2 seconds of my life. yes , not even a glance. not worth it.

i am the reason and i cannot deny it. the reason He came down from heaven, went to the cross, rose from the grave.

glee.

door-selective

yesterday a dear friend alerted me of a door she has kindly opened, although i declined to go thru. i know some doors will never close on you but i've grown over the past year. i'm door-selective this time round and this trait will direct all decision-making processes in the future.

the Lord's been showing me (at the perfect timing i must say) that He is the door of the sheep. ( john 10). i will find pasture if He is that door for me. it says there in His word.

i'll rather go by that and not what I should do anymore. and by that, "should" goes in accordance to human standards which are interestingly either beyond or beneath me.

not an ordinary day

Today:

• saw my bf for the first time since he left for that Loooong camp
• fantastic sermon that spoke directly to me and me alone. Jesus has a way of doing things like these. thank You
• my entire family is back.
• Lee Nanxing and moses lim thanked the Lord Jesus Christ during their acceptance speeches for the star awards. hallehlujah!
• not an ordinary day. new light on old darkness. new creation realities -more in play.
• the day before tomorrow. ah ma is leaving for her annual holiday. will miss her so much
• wore a skirt to church. i don't know why but isaac likens my skirt-wearing occasions to something like an olinda dress-wearing sensation. weird
• didn't eat a grain of rice today. oh i did...just not for dinner.
• ate the yolk of the egg

i'm not alone. dun worry

somehow my grandma is very worried when i choose to stay home alone. not that she thinks that i'll burn down the place but apparently its abnormal. on the contrary, i think its the best time that i get to do so because my loudhailer brother is not around to create a ruckus and my ears get a break. but she darzen think so and keeps calling to see whether i've got food and keeps asking me to go out. go watch a movie, shop..anything. just dun be at home. thats the imperial mandate for the day.

yes, i still miss my darling alot. but it darzen mean i immediately need to find other activities to distract me or whatever the prescribed case is. im ok alone. and with other people...although im selective about company. and its not devastating. its just that it feels so funny not being able to hear his voice and all that wondering about how is he. all i know is that hez in jesus' hands and that sets my heart at ease.

and its been 2 hrs since i woke up but im enjoying His company. friend might be coming over tonight. not sure..because i forgot what the plan was.i kept thinking its a stayover but plans are fluid so ah nvm. using this time to just soak up the silence and pray and finish listening to the solid sermon cds that i've accumulated for quite awhile. its been good. just that i'll so like to multiply this joy and love with my darling but we'll wait and be patient. saturday is just round the corner.

thank you for today Jesus...i so love today.

cannot even begin to describe. its not so much the activities but just the general sense of love and awe that i feel..so overwhelmed by His faithfulness and love. its just beautiful and splendid and my words are not doing what i truly feel justice.

im so goin to miss isaac tmr (infact i already do) when he heads for childrens church camp tmr. i just hope the kids arent monsters in disguise. they'll be in huge trouble if they bully him.

sigh..dec is too short.

"mary..Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?When you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God! "

drunk with His goodness

this is the day that the Lord hath made, i will rejoice, i will rejoice with you!

yes this is the day that my darling arrived on this earth 22 years ago..the day that i will forever be thankful for because of the manifested goodness of God in my life that i experience now.

yay!HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!!

i'll always praise God for this day. =). hez my biggest blessing here on earth.BIGGEST.

i'm the happiest sleepiest girl in the world right now.

fondant fondant fondant

why do i still love them?

i caught a glimpse of one tiny facet of the Father's love for us when i served in nursery today.

surrounded by bawling, screaming, puking, crying children. yes, i saw His love for me shine through even in the midst of all that saliva and yelling. i can't really put it into words for now except that its truly truly irrational and unconditional.

its day 2 of home-aloneness and i turned up at brightstar today kinda stoned with swollen eyes because i was bawling the previous night away. yes yes i am a huge crybaby. but its ok. Jesus loves me and sometimes i honestly wish with all my heart i can add on to that line and say "hmph, and He darzen love you!" and guffaw sinisterly but i know i can't say it. because He happens to live in me and sigh...i can't help but love you lor. whoever u are, if i really dun engage my mind.

that aside, yes i din and couldnt stay stoned for long because when the children arrive, we dun even haf time to pee and breathe. you can hear nothing but them, smell nothing but them, be numb to everything but them. u are on high-alert mode instead. not because of a coffee high but because, child A has a reputation of biting his classmates, child b likes to sit under the table, den get up and knock his head and scream the roof down, child C is tearing the art and craft displays off the wall..etc etc.

of coz you have to try to avert disaster and mediate between feuding toy snatchers while having one child perched on ur hip and another attached somehow to your leg. its not easy but it can be done and its classified by irrational behavior to a great number of pple who study behavior. (i used to be one of them when i majored in psychology). but love is above and beyond rationality. and i know this love is manifested supernaturally and partnered with supreme unmatchable grace to hold on for like 7 hrs before you call it a day. and den i'll just keep coming back for more.
and even when the infamous class tyrant graduates out of my class, i feel kinda sad and a tinge of melancholy.

nothing close to rational at all. but its ok. sometimes if you try to look for a reason to justify every act, your life is essentially, ironically meaningless coz thats really all that can sustain you.
there is no checklist to tick against when it comes to love. phew

day 1 out of 8.

i can't believe tears are welling up. my family has just left for an 8 day trip to china and i'll be all alone. i thought i would relish the thought of freedom and err..some silence since my brother has a loudhailer attached to his mouth. and he wakes up early so i hafta wakeup early too. but when i sent them off just a mere 10 mins ago, i had to fight to hold back the tears. i just hope they enjoy this trip. its been a tough year.i hope relationships are cemented and strengthened, stale waters of marriage turned to wine and everything just goes so well because Jesus paid for them to have the absolute best. and they just bask in His love and enjoy all protection of psalms 91.

no matter what we're family. and although i never would have expected it, i suppose its only normal to miss them in the weird way that i do. now that its just me and my computer, excuse me while i go and unleash the river behind the dam in my eyes.

sleep deprived

i hate it when im awake at this hour in the morning and not by choice but for the same reason as always- because my brother has a loudhailer attached to his vocal chords. that everything he says is amplified like 10 times the average person's volume.

nonetheless today shall be a good day although i spent so much time racking my brains last night thinking abt wat to get for dear isaac for his bdae.and im still clueless as ever.slept at 3 plus am.because i was walking through mall after mall, up and down orchard , IN MY MIND.

urgh.

IT IS FINISHED!

just echoing Jesus.

the last paper was like the most exciting one ever. there was a blackout at the very very end and alot of hilarity and amusement because it was pitch black because itw as an evening paper and its pouring outside. so lecturer had to walk around with a huge torch light to usher us out of the exam hall.quite cool if u ask me. i felt like i was in some movie.on some adventure.

i found where i belong

All the wonders of Your ways
I'm constantly amazed
How You make me safe and sound
It's the way You lift me up
You've given me so much
Only You would never let me down
You are here calming my fears
You lead me back with
Your sweet song
You're where I belong

-jaci velasquez-

mood: warm, fuzzy, romantic
i'm so in the holiday mood and my first paper hazznt even yet started so i'm not exactly close to the finishing line. but its ok. i'm at the place of rest. its all a finished work. spent the whole day trying to digest my war and society notes but ended up distracted by the bible. wonderful way to spend a hot afternoon and i feel so light and frothy and glad. i think i'm catching a glimpse of the abundant life.

the reality is that i'm blessed beyond any curse and that can't change. its sinking in. deep into my heart and i know its a truth that will explode and revolutionize my life and circumstances. my life will finally proclaim His goodness.

my faithful audience

i realise that after a long day, when i sit at His feet either to complain and cry or complain and cry or...God knows what else i say. it seems to be only that. but Hez always the same. He said it to His diciples after their long day and they told Him both of what they had done and they had taught...and all He said to them was "come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while". mark 6.31.same thing said to me. twice. today. i first saw it at abanner outside st andrews cathedral (and something deep inside me just tugged)and when i opened my bible today, it went straight to that page. God has a way of speaking to me everytime i flip open the bible. i rarely have to turn to a page.it just lands there. i thik He already knew that i don't know enough toeven know where to flip too...

same for open book exams. i dun flip.He opens.

i've been a robot going around with the mundaneness of life. and the only time i truly relish in the day besides being able to talk to isaac..is when i lie on my bed at night and its all dark and talk to Him. He must have waited a long time sometimes for me to hang up the fone with zac so that He can listen to what He already knows i will say. but its apparently still ok. i still will have an audience with Him anytime i want to. how privileged.

sometimes, when i'm going about my daily stuff, or i'm feeling bogged down by issues, feeling myself sinking in the sea of notes(for now since its the exam season) or God knows what else, He is there, to tell me to get out ...to just rest. its commonsense i guess but its still so soothing just to hear Him say that. when human logic tells you to not stop but step up instead for ur exam revision, to put this fire out and that fire out, He always differs. and thats what i like so much about Jesus.

He is the only soothing balm that works when the hurt is so deep. when you cannot rationalise away the pain. nothing more i yearn now but to go away to somewhere deserted and have Him all to myself. and i know when i do, He will be there already, waiting.

MY WEIRD DREAMS

most of you know i have the weirdest dreams that are so downright inexplicable and i agree.

BUT GUESS WHAT....3 years ago i dreamt that phua chu kang had a baby boy called romeo and he(phua chu kang) told rosie that he left romeo in the car because he liked to listen to perfect 10. AND GUESS WHAT IT WAS ON TV TODAY!
i predicted the script of phua chu kang at least 3 years ago!!!

and i vividly remember some of my friends scoffing when i told them.....and i nv understood why i have dreams as queer as this...

u have overcome the world...

yesterday i nearly threw in the towel.

nursery yesterday was quite close to living hell. we moved to brightstar instead of convention centre and all the teachers had a change in uniform. the kids, started screaming at the first sight of this overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity. and there were more tables chairs and cupboards than convention centre. i spent the entire day TRYING to make sure no one bangs their head while cllimbing under the table etc etc. and no one slams the lousy door on their fingers. and stupid parents that behave like we're their slaves. and screaming babies. and a particular girl who is attached to my leg. and a baby who puked on me. in other words..mayhem.little monsters fest.toilets that choked. a teacher who got involved in a car accident, another who fell down in the toilet...basically alot went wrong.AT THE SAME TIME. i think we need to dedicate more time to prayer before that. and while all these events were unravelling, pastor prince goes on joking, preaching, and the congregation goes on laughing, enjoying while we toil.....behind the scenes of brightstar childcare development...

at the end of the exhausting day..when i lay my head down to rest, and i close my eyes, i can still see images of those screaming machines. yesterday was a real test of my love for them. and how much of my serving is truly God...because when those cute cherubic faces u seee on anne geddes posters fade and transform into i dun even wanto coin a term for that ....its a different thing altogether. mucus, saliva, puke galore. u need His wisdom, His power, His everything, to calm them down, to shut them up....to love them. and of coz the muscle to carry them because they are so fat these days...

after yesterday's harrowing experience, i think i can stillmanage a smile when i think of them. except one baby whose mother is quite the dragon lady. but other then that, God is faithful and good. and my time in nursery is not up yet i think. now its really His strength. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT CUTE IN THE NEW ENVIRONMENT!!!yes.lambs in monkey disguise. who would have thought...

no one else will do.

Today my agenda was to study non-stop.well sort of…at least study most of the day away. But alas, He had other plans and I could not follow mine. But I’m not complaining. Everything He initiates in my life is for my best interests.

Thank You my living savior.

After giving zac living hell for not using the opportunity to study but spend it serving God..(YES…I am nasty.that is why it is a miracle that God calls me the righteousness of God.) because he is doing back up worship for a childrens church teachers gathering, I found myself restless, unpeaceful and just…edgy. I did cover two whole chapters of a particular module, print out a lot of notes that I haven’t printed for the entire semester but I knew deep down I just had to get down to something else. And because I couldn’t figure it out, I was tired, lost and basically quite miserable.

Actually all I had to do was to get down on my knees.

So finally I did, I didn’t know how to pray. But the Holy Spirit knew so I allowed Him to do all the work. I read the bible without knowing where to go but as usual, He never failed to speak to me. Every verse that my eyes fell on spoke to me.

i had no one to whine to tonight besides my faithful shepherd. zac's somewhere at fortcanning singing His praises and there is no one on msn that i remotely think can NOT aggravate my dire circumstnaces. ok..heres a sidenote to thank jon who is now christopher for reminding me how solid it is to be in His presence. thank God Jesus is all the comfort that i ever need. He soothes my soul with His songs of peace. whee.

ok. now i kinda miss zac. -tearing up-

wun digress. I have been getting all worksy again. And worked up because I’ve been worksy. And thus I’ve been worried and weary and stressed out. So much that I’ve been stressing zac up. (I’m sorry dear)its such a struggle to alwyas let grace reign u noe. at least it is so for me...

Now there’s nothing I want more but a fresh touch of His. Some sorta renewal, regeneration and refreshing. For my focus to be redirected to what truly matters again. For Him to direct my journey, tread on paths of peace, by still waters, having lamb picnic with my shepherd on green pastures.

"your mercy o lord, will hold me up. in the multitude of my anxities within me, your comforts delight my soul"

wowee.he just msged. in his words had a swell time praising God. and the event just ended its 11.10...i'm so glad he went. afterall. happy for him. and seeing him there must have put a wide smile on God's face. persecution does come when u wanto do things for Jesus...i am a fine example.as in..i am the persecutor. sigh. its ok!so was paul.
Godis faithful and good. his nose was all runny this morning and he was so worn out.by err...sch, and runny nose and his gf. but God delivered and i heard the annointing was very strong. wish i was there.to watch my darling revel in His glory.

i am realising that how good God really really is is never old news. i can hear it a thousand times but each time i am only seeing a side of that multi-faceted fascination.

threshed mountains, hills like chaff.

"If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?" Luke 12.26

When He said these words, my heart ached. i can't answer that question. and i don't know why i'm still so nervous. i need a greater revelation of His person, His love, His finished work and His inheritance. its so sad when you love someone so much and can be completely trusted and yet...is denied of that trust.

ah..well.all is forgiven.

since church yesterday, i've been distracted bythe bible. i tried to study for a few minutes and i keep turning to His word. Its good but when i see how much is in store for me in the word..and how far i've been living below it..i just wanto bawl.i don't know when i'll learn.truly. i don't know how to even receive sometimes. i have to sit on my hands just to be still.

this year has truly been one dramafest. turmoil that i never thought i ever had to go through in my wildest imaginations. and i thought i was truly going the way of IMH...but now light is flooding in and darkness is fleeing. an di saw what phenomenal blessings i've also enjoyed. not as a result but they came separate as a package. but i was too caught up ..too focused on the weaknesses of my flesh to consider anything else. i don't even know how to begin to document the blessings that tangible and visible. but the true gifts are developed inside me. thats where its all eternal and no one...demon or man can rob from me.

my health is picking up.praise God. its high time. i am the healed of the Lord afterall. manifestation is long due. 2 mths of coughing and phlegm. enough of doctors. enough of insomia. everything is picking up. but deep down, i know theres much more. not in the outer realm but inside. therez 'unfinished business'. theres so much reparations to be made after all the mini battles i've waged against an enemy long defeated. but i've also mellowed and hopefully matured so much more, thanks to 2004. valley of Baca or mount zion, Hez been there, because i've been. enduring love at its best. even when its too dark to see His frame, therez still power every time i cry out His name.

i truly identify with those helpless lambs. i am one. i can do nothing to save myself for crying out loud. i can only bleet. i fall into the ravine and His staff hooks me up. that is comfort u noe. true comfort. not the thousand and one niceties people can tell you but practical help and then balm to truly soothe your rampaging soul. Comfort on every side..thats what david calls it in psalms 71. theres nothing i can do to summon help but call. and there it is...

the blood has been shed. i call it a bloody perfect sacrifice. i never really understood why that word is such an expletive. but its ok. i know what it means to me-salvation. in every true sense of the word. saved to the uttermost-from hell, from distress, from poverty, sickness, depression, oppression. everything.

if flesh cannot help me, it sure can't hurt me. its powerless. the fig tree is cursed. hallehlujah.

"blessed be the Lord,
because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
the Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and i am helped
therefore my heart greatly rejoices
and with my song i will praise Him"

ps 28:6-9

my cup overflows....

i am walking on water
i am living on air!

how amazing is today's sermon? i am so proud of Jesus and my pastor...thank God for His ever-inquiring heart that i get such good feeding that breaks yokes and bondages from Heaven.

i could say a thousand thank yous to Jesus and shake pastor prince's hand a thousand times but it will never truly convey the gratitude i feel for what the living word has done to change my life. yes not just my circumstances. true change comes from within darzen it and it has changed so much.i'm not simply talking about perspective but its His life that i live now. not mine. thank God ...its the best gift exchange ever!

i am glad the fight is over the victory has been won. pastor lawrence's opening line for communion captured my attention first hand and when pastor prince took the pulpit..i was brimming with tears already. but i didnt know just exactly what the word that he delivered would do to me. i didnt expect my miracles to come so fast so quickly...so easily. with me just seating. oh well...what else could i really be doing anyway?for the life of me ...i cannot do anything to help myself. but i have a God who can do exceedingly abundantly above all i ask or think and i am so glad that i can call Him my father because of the blood.

and i am so glad i have won because of the blood. i didnt participate in the fight but i share the fruits of the victory. i am elated. and that is an understatement.
glory to glory, strength to strength. so much more.

to God be the glory. i love the lamb who is also the lion. oh..and hallehlujah!its mutual!=)
surely the joy of the Lord is my strength. byebye spirit of heaviness. hello garment of praise...

Only He knows what i need and how to win my heart. this week alone i have seen financial blessings and food blessings.hehe. Zac's dad made ngoh hiang for me again and yay!and so much this time it can feed my entire family. i love being part of isaac's life. second to Jesus. truly the best.only God knows how much He has ministered to me thru my darling when i'm beyond down..when i'm buried in some dung...and how much He has used him to lift me up to the high heavens whereby i can dance in the clouds...and laugh till myknees are jello.. even though we make each other laugh and moan with frustration..thats ok. it only gets better and i can live with this for the rest of my life. yes, a whole century of this is wonderful.

thank you my precious one. thank you Jesus for him. thank you for my life, my parents, my brother, my ah ma..my brothers and sisters and Christ. like i said...so much more....

-twirls and swoons-

sleepless in west coast crescent...

i hate losing sleep. sleep has been elusive and therez nothing i want more but sleep now but i just can't. i don't know why. God help...this is disgusting and i'm so frustrated i wanto do nothing but scream/bleet. bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah. its 3 am.

in the multitude of my anxieties within me,
your comforts delight my soul

oh wow!

i'm so glad that there is nothing NOTHING that the devil can do to harm me. His power has been stripped. let me explain this...i just got it last night.

i was reflecting on the past year and boy has been a year fraught with so many challenges that i nv ever imagined having to go thru. and i've seen my faith surge and dip so low it was in the negative region. its ok. it was nv abt my faith anyway. He is still faithful.

it is starting to baffle me and sink in at the same time(praise God) of the magnitude of the work of the cross. how it can endure and still have effects even this very day. and tomorrow..and to see me through all my tomorrows, in earth or in heaven 2000 years after it all first began. and how finished it really is and how i can rest. wonderful. i'm still in the midst of rediscovering His rest but thats not what i wanted to say.

yesterday He gave me an insight abt the past year. with regards to certain challenges that i had to go through and when i saw how unnecessary it was, i was almost reduced to tears. but thank God for His sweet comfort, now i've learnt and am wiser in that aspect. i saw myself in a circle...shielded. i think thats the place under the shadow of His wings. and there were darts coming in my direction. if i had stayed still, they'll jsut fall a short distance away from me, and will not be able to touch me. however, what i did was i tried to fend these evil darts away from myself and in doing so, got hurt. now u noe what is chor teng.(cantonese i think) yes....it was my middle name this year.now u noe why He says "Be still, and know that i am God" and "stand still and see my salvation".it was written all over the bible for me. yes especially me. i could even run out of the safety of his refuge just to chase the darts away thinking in mock-heroism that my puny actions could amount to anything.

but that was seriously all the devil could do!haha..shoot in my direction. not at me. there is a distinctive difference here. His power was stripped at the cross and even if weopons are assembled against me...they shall fall for my sake!its in isaiah..my favourite book in the bible. and they sure wun prosper...(that u all all noe)

sometimes its jsut so humbling to get a revelation abt how stupid u really are, how u really cannot do anything to save ur own fingernails, how much u need Him.ok in my case, since i'm the least of the lot, of all u wise smart and STILL pple, all the time.

and He that first made me still keeps me alive...

upcoming plans

one sure sign that i'm getting better is that my appetite is coming back.still coughing but its so much better.can see abit of the rainbow already.hallehlujah

today i ate ngoh hiang prepared by isaac's dad and its so good i gave it 9 out of 10 stars. minus one because the wrap was abit loose.after that we went on to eat a meat lover's pizza, a banana chocolate pizza and some ceasars salad..oh and a peace tart.and a grilled beef burger from macs.nothing quite compares to the ngoh hiang.i am so glad i'm marrying into that family one day.no...not just because of the ngoh hiang.isaac is a wonderful man..100 out of 10 stars.

i'm graduating in may.i wanto be a food critic.or food/travel host.i think i fit the bill pretty well.
i need recommendations.they really shdnt get pple who nibble on food like those hosts on ch 8 to host anything.it is a waste of food.a waste of good food.i will make the host look good and eat up every last bit.read:HIRE ME.

im starting to feel like a normal person all over again.smiley miley.yes a special oddball but its ok.normal as in i dun haf the tendency to smear mucus and phlegm on pple i dun like anymore.praise God.quite happy, very hopeful. valley of baca or not, there's a rainbow over my head.and its not a hairband.bodohs.

i'm a blessed girl.i dun need tolook elsewhere for verification.but within. (Holy spirit is sealed right in there!)not every area is in place.infact some areas are totally out of whack but its ok.Jesus is intact and He lives inside me thru me so i'll just bounce right along.lalalalla.read:crucified WITH Christ.

Nobody needs to care. Nobody needs to know. Nobody needs to listen.

He's my Hero.
He transformed me from a miscreation to a new creation

He's my Hero
He turned my odds around and today i'm all even

He's my Hero
He makes empty shells vessels of glory

i will start enjoying being me and stop curbing the life He is trying to live through me.
Yes, even when i'm in the valley

help

i didn't even know i needed that much help. so i didn't cry for help. it didn't help that i didn't know who to turn to for help. But He saw that i needed so much help, so He went to cross,without me asking. and today i have my very present help,because its been paid for.

Jerry Ong's blog.

ok i think i am a jerry fan.grr grr grr to all those who booed him.
Week of 11 Oct - 17 OctI know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that His grace is sufficient for me and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. In this sure foundation God has given me, I can smile in the face of the booing I got at the Lime Birthday Bash.It got me for some time that night. I was stunned by the sheer hatred that those people had for me at the bash. Then I realised that since God put me here, nothing is going to happen that He will not allow. I rest secure in the knowledge that since He is with me, everything is going to be ok, and more than ok. And I am honoured that I could experience this minute, minute, minute fraction of the pain and humiliation that my Lord Jesus went through for me. To Him is the glory forever and ever!This strength I have is supernatural - from God. On my own, I would have backed out of this a long time ago. He is carrying me.
.

these precious hands

they were the first to hold me
the first to dry my tears
the ones that always led me
through many trying years

i see the scars from burden
i see the beauty too
these "Precious hands " that i speak of
belong to only You.

written by someone whose signature i can't read.

i dunno why i thought of this

the world needs to learn that "karma" is a concoction of the devil and its not a very original idea to start with. even the old covenant offered a narrow escape by the shedding of blood. hwat goes around does not necessarily come around. sometimes good goes out and never comes back. kindness does not necessarily beget kindness so why suggest that evil begets evil?

IF the system of karma did exist, then how do u explain the good who gets bad and the bad who gets away with it? either way you get blamed. and the devil gets away scotfree in the blame game he started. how wily.

time to get under the system of grace.whereby Jesus got the bad that was coming our way and we get the good that was so not supposed to be in our lives anyway.

no favour for thy neighbour.

so glad the law is nailed to the cross. so glad grace avails today...

because i woke up this morning cursing my neighbour.

can't love thy neighbour. the one upstairs...makes noise round the clock. weird strange drilling sounds. in the wee hrs of the morning.den shifts furniture around at night. i dunno..maybe he shd be working at the nicoll highway worksite and help them fix up that mess instead of live above me. i totally dun like him. no..i'll be honest..i abhor him.

urgh. ran out of mucus to smear on him. will borrow some phlegm from my brother.

*fume*

for Isaac!

this one is for you....my most precious tangible gift from above.

They Called Him Laughter (by Michael Card)
A barren land and a barren wife,
Made Abraham laugh at his wandering life.
A cruel joke it seemed then to call him the father of nations.
A heavenly prank, a celestial joke,
Cause gray hair and babies leave no room for hope.
But hoping was something this hopeless old man learned to do.
They called him laughter, for he came after,
The Father had made an impossible promise come true.
The birth of a baby to a hopeless old lady,
So they called him laughter, cause no other name would do.
A cry in the darkness and laughter at night,
An elderly couple sit holding him tight.A
n improbable infant, a punchline, a promise come true.
They laughed 'til they wept, then they laughed at their tears.
This miracle baby they'd wanted for years,
Would make a Messiah who'd give us impossible joy.

this must be the lamb

sleepless. only slept at 4 am. and am awake now. the flood of mucus refuses to relent. but i see the rainbow.

on a gray april morning as a chilling wind blew
a thousand dark promises were about to come true
as satan stood trembling, knowing now he had lost
as the Lamb took His first step on the way to the cross

this must be the Lamb
the fulfilment of all God had spoken
this must be the Lamb
not a single bone will be broken
like a sheep to the slaughter
so silently still
this must be the Lamb

they mocked His true calling and laughed at His fate
so glad to see the gentle one consumed by their hate
unaware of the wind and the darkening sky
so unaware to the fact that it was God limping by

the poor womem weeping at what seemed a great loss
trembling in fear there at the foot of the cross
tormented by memories that came like a flood
unaware that their pardon
must be bought with His blood.

-michael card

cold sheep

today pastor also asked us to see our probs that we need turnaround miracles in as mountains

he could'nt have been more right simply because now i see...
1)my mountain of mucus-filled tissue *eew*
2)my mountain of readings


thank God he also offered the key to bring these mountains down to their knees.

HIS name and His grace is the key.

the entry that was written after I ate 3 plates of fried rice.

my nose is currently doing alot more exercise than me. it is runny...*hehe*.its corny but i dun care!i call the shots!no one can complain against that or i'll rub mucus in ur hair!(if u haf hair)bah bah bah ahahahh bah bah.*evil sheep laugh*

but all that is scheduled to change. its turn around day. mourning into dancing..lack into abundance..sickness into health...wet noses into dry noses...tears into laughter...short hair into long hair...etc etc!u get the drift..although the last one darzen really qualify.

throughout today's sermon...in addition to having to fight the temptation to jump out of my seat to declare that i have the best God in the world/universe etc...i also wanto scream out loud that ihave the best pastor in the world. and to God be the glory for that. so rich in revelation and mature and gracious. so proud and so privileged. i will be what i will be because of the grace of God, the ministry of joseph prince and the prayers of...ISAAC QUEK!( must mention bf) and to the rest of u who have kept me in ur prayers at one time or another and watched situations turn around for me as a result...i'll buy u chocolate another day

so glad i'm in the end-time generation.so glad i'm a history major. these two go hand in hand because u can look back at previous generation and go.."aiyoh...tsk tsk..so poor thing"..us..we have it all together. we learn from their mistakes...we see more and more of the full picture. and we haf the rapture to look forward to!

engulfed by Your love

i know i must put today down in words somehow although i can't seem to find the words to do God's grace for today justice.

the key highlight of the day was when some leaders from hokkien ministry came to my house. the worship was awesome and the anointing so saturated my tiny living room i was reduced to tears in a matter of seconds into worship. i understood so little..but His presence was just there. so thick and palpable. it was more than enough. my mind can rest for once. i comprehended nothing except his love there and then. huge volumes of love rushed in my my heart and for once....in a looong time...i felt like i had a heart.

throughout the years, i've had so many scarred and bitter memories. spent so much time trying to recover from anger and heal...and by the time it happens, sometimes before, another episode erupts. felt like i was cornered in every area and i honestly dun understand why. developed spiritual claustrophobia afterawhile and open spaces whereby i can breathe freely suited me best...i started distancing myself from the closest of friends...and i refused to be heavily involved in any place. the theory of not putting all ur eggs in one basket. because everything looked so terribly and precarious. i was standing on the rock all right but it felt like sinking sand.

den today, before they came..i told God that i'm not even going to care whos coming. as long as they're His representatives, i want Him to anoint them and give us a rhema, a personal touch...something that we need so badly. in this war-stricken household. and in the midst of worship, the leader stood up and walked towards my dad, rested His hands on my dad and pronouced blessings exhortations and so much..everythign that i've asked God for in my own prayer closet. God was moving fast and quick and confirming that He heard my prayer.

actually that was more than enough for me. but it was not enough for Him.

after worship, the female leader and i engaged in small talk. and out of the bloo, she just lurched towards me, gave me a hug and started praying and praying over me. and the anointing was so strong...there were other pple around including my mum..while the men were outside in the living room talking...and she prayed and blessed me so richly. nothing that i don't know because God has said themto me so many times i lost count...but lately, i've lost sight of everything He told me in the distant past...and now Hez reminding me. i know its no coincidence since the leaders who previously told me are in no way related to this leader. and it confirms with my spirit. no surprise actually, but its sweet.

den He moved on and spoke up for me. its so heartening...to just watch ur Hero save u.i can just fade into oblivion there an dthen because everyone's attention was so on Him...but He made me feel so special..i feel like cinderella..(perhaps way better ) when i saw Him move for me...spoke up for me for all the times i was slighted in man's sight...i felt so good..coz the leader turned to my mum and told her..not me..coz God knows that i know but not her...that He wants to use me..int he ways that He wants to. she needs to know..that i'm not her daughter alone.and i am in no position to convince her. well, He did the 'dirty' job for me. she can't go ballistic on Him.so phew..of coz all this happened in fluent english lah.otherwise...she might as well just let me interpret tongues.

praise the Lord.

at the end of the day, when i'm standing on the mountaintop, conquering all impossible odds by the sheer grace of God, riding on the waves of stormy seas, i can still boast only Christ.
i remember the pit He dug me out from.
and i remember how far He had to dig
and i remember that He din give up
and that He jumped into the pit
to CARRY me out.

Your sacrifice.. on calvary..has made the mighty cross, a tree of life to me.

this is strange but i know its Jesus for sure. no other reason. things are changing inside me.

i am strangely getting happier and happier. i dunno much abt wats happening around me but if i do keenly observe, there darzen seem to be much change since i last looked. things that were so upsetting might have gotten a little bit better here and there but nothing to shout for joy about. but who cares abt wats happening around which is so prone to change. my real concern and priority is my inner man which is renewing day by day. praise the Lord.

i think maybe i stopped looking to myself and to people for that matter. which is a great load i can so do without. its very tempting to look and sink further into the throes of despair but of late, Jesus' brilliance and love has been too distracting and shining so right the darkness around cannot come up to par at all. it never could actually but my back was turned on Him so i wazznt too sure.

now that light has hit me, i feel strangely light and free. which is a huge irony coz i gained weight. i have not gained weight for a long long time. infact for every ounce i gained, i lost two whenever a 'crisis' struck. stress can take so much out of u. for me...i compensated with ounces of flesh. the only thing i do feel funny about is that i feel pregnant and clumsy with the extra weight although it really is only 1.5 kg. hehe. it feels like i can actually take up alot more space with this weight. i dunno. i guess its just me.

rest is truly the key. coz thats the main clause of my inheritance at calvary. will not distress Him further by forsaking His rest in exchange for work that is futile, that insults His finished work. its a done deal and i'll leave it as that. the questions have stopped...i'll just go with the flow and sail with Him and bask in His love in the land of rest.


i did not realise
the finished work of His sacrifice

i did not realise
to just behold Him
is enough for my gloom to depart
to realise my every dream
that being still
allows His life in me to start.

i did not realise
that all my work is futile
that my life was not meant to be so dull
that my ship will reach the shore
because i am the reason He died for

i did not realise
that my impossibility translates to His possibility
that He is God, and not me

HE HAS MADE ME GLAD

so happy today.despite not having enough sleep..enough money in my wallet because i conveniently forgot to draw money and atms all seem to be invisible today...and having a leander tutorial.(its a dreaded history tut by a masters student who thinks hez master and we ..slaves)

i did end up celebrating the end of tut by buying the most expensive nasi lemak ever at the reputed fong seng that is actually myonly choice because chong pang was closed. and i did go home and get a good rest after that and found myself sleepwalkingto church some hours later.
and the church part did it all. i felt like God was speaking to me and me alone. i feel so light and flighty now. i am just plain ecstatic even though its sat tmr and work awaits me. even though i'm getting sleepier as i type. even though......i celebrate even though my eyes don't see what they wanto see.

hehe.

i am in the land of rest.

silence is not always golden

i feel like such a speckled sheep in His flock. so odd. and my differences are so stark. i dun think i have it in me to relate to anyone anymore. and i've given up the hope that someone can relate to complicated me. my dreams and ambitions alone...already set me so far apart from the rest. no..they are not great and grandiose dreams..but infact..they're so...'achievable'..it barely qualifies as an ambition in today's world. the more i interact with people, the more i realise that i cannot stand any conversation beyond 15 mins. because i just feel so out of this world. maybe i am. but its ok...Jesus is out of this world too and we get along just fine.so i've got really good company. besides...Isaac quek is way out of this world too. and we have so much fun together..in the world we call our own..

i don't believe this is a quarterlife crisis. its not a fork stuck in the road and i'm wondering what to do nxt, not knowing...with all the insecurities creeping in. i think i have a rough gauge about whats in store for me. and i want it. but its nothing spectacular in anyone's terms because its just for me. and i am officially classified under 'boring' by some human doings who stretch the 24 hrs a day beyond two lifetimes.

its a quiet journey...but not a lonely one. thank God.the inner struggles, revelations, innermost thoughts and feelings are nv going to surface because there issnt the human audience that quite understands. and knowing so, i am all the more thankful and appreciative for the two wonderful men in my life. one a God/man of course. my precious Jesus. who is my creator and my redeemer. He knows the whole story better than i do..and is the only reason i am still alive. By the sheer grace of God alone, isaac darzen just understand, he accepts, sometimes relate...and still loves. i think its a difficult place to walk as a man..because i came to him with so many thorny issues. so much history..with almost nothing to give except the love that our savior deposited in my puny heart. Jesus made a wonderful choice in choosing this glorious vessel to carry His love for me.

and because Jesus made these possible for me, i know i truly am blessed. truly truly.

thank you Jesus.

i don't have many reasons to smile in the natural for now...but Hez still smiling, so there must be many pleasant surprises in store.=)Hez still in charge.

i abdicate my kancheong queen throne

"I Know Who Holds Tomorrow"

I don't know about tomorrow,I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from its sunshine,
Cause the skies might turn to grey.
And I don't worry about the future,
Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.
There are things about tomorrowThat I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds are silver lined.
And, over there the sun is always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.
There are many things about tomorrowI don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Yes I know who holds my hand.

hephzibah speaks

this entry requires no comments.

i am by no means on a spiritual high of any sort
nor am i remotely encouraged
i am fraught with fears, stresses i never thought i would have.
i feel alone and at times helpless.
i feel lies penetrating my mind and i don't want to be stuck in the rut of confusion

deep down inside, i know God is good. very good. My GOD FOR THAT MATTER BECAUSE HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST. and i don't want anyone to come to me giving any other alternative impression. if i have what it takes to crush any demon, i'll do what it takes to shut the gap that attempts to make me think otherwise up. it involves a needle and thread.

these lies are trying to convince me in feeling abandoned. in such a trying time, no human help is needed because it takes everything divine and it has to be THE correct divine source. i'm not trying to psych myself up...i'm just desperately clinging on to every remnant of truth i know while the lies flood and swarm in. i don't even have it in me to pay attention to human encouragement. only He can get through to me now.

the lies oso try to tell me that His way won't work. unfortunately, my only answer to that is that even if it darzen, i don't really have any other way so i got no choice but wait. so shaddup.if these liars insist, they can sit along and wait with me and watch my miracle unfold. yet again.

i want very much to break down and cry but at the very end of the day, i know i'll have the last laugh. i know i'll get to taste victory. it seems far and elusive and impossible even as this point and i wanto throw in the towel and give up very badly but somehow deep inside i know i'll prob end up writing an entry praising God and ranting abt His faithfulness and goodness endlessly.

He paid such a heavy price ...He wun choose to forsake me now.
i tried to forsake Him many many times in this 21 years. didnt work too well. am no fool to repeat the same thing over and over again to expect different results. i'm staying stuck here..and i'm not going to move. Hez gotta move on my behalf. now it looks like nothing is happening coz i'm judging with my human eyes. perfect eyesight maybe but i just can't see through His eyes right now.but i'll wait...

can just hear Him saying this...
you've been lost in the wind
and the rain of a storm at sea
the waves crashing over your back
and you're crying out for me

but as the ocean rages
i am sleeping in the boat
but i have a plan, i'm holding your hand
and i'm keeping you afloat

i'm never gonna let go
my love for you is always true
I'm never gonna lose heart
cause i'm holding on tight to you
should the cruel wind chill your soul
when the world seems out of contro
i'm never gonna let go of you

the day's old, this desert is cold
and a dark cloud covers the truth
fix your eyes on the horizon
the light is breaking through

you are my beloved child
forever in my heart
after the fall and after it all
you're safe within my arms

everything was done so they would come...

i thought in my own foolishness that some things are simply beyond God. such as the salvation of hardened stony people like my grandma who has been an idol worshipper for the longest time. even after a half century long courtship by Jesus, she was never won. even after witnessing miracles that are too supernatural to explain, she refused to budge. nothing seemed to move her

and den all of a sudden, one day i received news that she said the sinner's prayer all by herself. thats barely like 2 mths ago and now shez partaking of the holy communion regularly on her own coz its 'supa powerful' in her own words...and has received the gift of tongues. talk about exponential growth.

another old lady...the mother of a close friend of my mom..has been in and out of ICU and has been afflicted with so many probs in her health i lost track/count. each time she was prayed for, she would walk out of the hospital but that was not enough to win her heart over. talk about stubborness. but Jesus is so patient and long suffering. HE nv gave up so in and out of ICU she came and went...abt 6 times in total. in just a year or so..and one day as she lay in bed, presumably thinking she was dying, she saw Him and his angels around her..and all i can say is that she is now on her way to heaven. still alive and out of ICU..but this time she brings with her Jesus in her heart.

the stoniest hearts can be melted with His love. i'm very impressed. very. lookin at my grandma, she is such a different person. barely recognizable and her faith is ...incredible. simple yet powerful. just like the savior. for such a young convert, i'm just so impressed and in awe of Him. the glorious work He has done in her.

i lurrveee my dentist-

refer to two entries back...my miracle has arrived!
ok so the ulcer was well documented.

last night at around 1 plus am.i had a toothache and i was rather worried because its on the right side. the ulcer is on the left..so that effectively means that i wun be able to eat at all!horror of horrors!!!

i prayed abt it..actually i whined to God about it in my ventriloquist voice because i cannot open my mouth and made a mental note to visit a dentist the nxt day. but the thot of an evil looking man in white poking weird elongated pieces of metal into my mouth while the gaping ulcer is still there...is just pure horror. i was upset. i tried to sleep but i couldnt. i cried to Him desperately for help and told Him that i refused to worry and therez nothing that He can't handle. but i continued to worry..and sleep was elusive.

some time later...i finally sorta drifted off to sleep...-i think-.den i saw myself on a dentist's chair...and i felt a warmth hovering over the lower part of my face...so i just obediently opened my mouth. i felt the warmth direct itself to the part of my gums that hurt so badly...i couldn't see the dentist's face but i saw his hands..well he wazznt wearing golves and i saw that his hands were pierced. no weird metallic shiny things oso. just the hands.the nail pierced hands.

anyway i woke up this morning and hunted everywhere for the pain...but it was no where to be found. the ulcer still looks the same but i totally believed its healed too. it can't have escaped healing when the healer was there rite? its painless oso even though the symptoms of it not being healed are just glaring at me in the eye...and i can talk with my mouth open and sing tonight for bs!!and i can eat anything!forthe first time in 5 days....

praise the Lord...praise the Lord. He has dealt bountifully with me. my wonderful healer. my dwelling place. hallehlujah!!!

OH TASTE AND SEE THAT THE LORD IS GOOD!!!!

=|

i've been browsing blogs and i've found like a grand total of 5 exclassmates from my mgs days.

wow. i feel like some sorta of peeky voyeur just looking into their lives from afar. kaypoh.

i just feel so bad now. thank God for mercy. was such a brat to isaac now and by that..i dun mean just throwing tantrums. i was downright unreasonable.i just had to insist on my way somehow even though i knew i was so wrong. i feel like hez been shortchanged as a result of my demand. oh God...pls restore to him much much more.

but he was so sweet and compromising and forgiving and gracious. allow me to borrow one line from the bible but the goodness of isaac...or rather Jesus in isaac leads me to repentance. shorwee.=(

tmr was long and tiring and thats partly because i din get a good rest last night because of the damned ulcer. i basically talk like a ventriloquist now with my mouth barely open coz it hurts to open AND den close it. i felt so wretched and this feeling had to spill over to the one i love most...
bah...sorry sorry sorry!

still feel kinda gross right now but because i'm rather sedated...it aint that bad.
really hope things get better tmr coz i wanto be able to sing during BS tmr. and eat 3 full meals. something i havent exactly been doing in a long time.

psalm 116:6-7
the Lord preserves the simple;
i was brought low, and He saved me
return to your rest, o my soul
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

updated.

ok this is the updated list of things that i can now eat..

-udon(i basically cut it up and just swallow)
-mashed potato.
-porridge
-soup
-sardines..any kind of fish. nicely shredded
-fruit juices
-jelly

this is not an easy time for me. i am already thinking abt what to eat before Bible study at suntec tmr.
and i find myself surfing the website of californian pizza....at the menu section.

i need my miracle.
boohoo.

"I am the God who healeth thee"

the day started with me jolting out of bed in pain.

i would scream but i din..coz i can't. it was too painful. some creatures just dun haf the flair for history...remembering details that took place. so i clearly reminded my greatest yet defeated foe that the ulcer was taken by Jesus on the cross and nothing he can do is going to separate me from His love..and in this case...His healing!i don't understand...if he can remember what he did on sept 11, why not the cross?urgh.stupid mean piece of crushed shit.pui

but for now i can only drink soup. the ulcer is at the back of my mouth near the part which is the 'bridge' between the roof of my mouth and the bottom...and itsrather huge. so any attempt to open my mouth or chew is arduous and treacherous. so im sorta..fasting.

which is fine by me coz i really fell in love with the seafood soup at clementi hawker centre and i have alot of instant campbell satchets with me even as i speak. i'm well armed in the event that hunger pangs strike. it feels like the cambridge diet or something like that but i'm blessed and i don't really wanto lose weight now....and because i've the wonderful ability to eat the same thing over and over again everyday (possibly for all 3 meals) and not get sick of it...im doing fine. until i eventually get sick of it..which will be the year 3000.

speaking of this reminds me of the time in primary school whereby i ate pandan cake for 30 cents everyday for 3 years straight. that strange phenomena explains why i dun touch pandan cake at all now. can't even stand the smell.it makes me pukish. so now the trick is ..when i see something i so love to eat...the maximum i'll go is eat it for a week straight. otherwise...that poor food will never be able to see me again for the rest of my life and thats just unfair...to ..it.everyone (or thing) needs a life long allegiance from anyone (or thing). just so that u noe that u'll never alone.

for me i'm disgustingly blessed. i have Jesus and Isaac..and my list of favourite...food and people.

You and me ...always.

there is a peace

there is a joy

that settles here

in your presence

when your face is very near

your love erases every fear

its the power of your presence

its the strength of your hand in mine

its the beauty of your great love

that has the power to change my life

Jesus is the only one i can receive anything, tangible or not yet truly lasting from. my state of emotions right now is no where near fantastic. but there is His everlasting joy and peace. praise God.

so many questions. wrangled mess. i wish i was less complicated a person. i yearn for some sort of empathy but i turn to no one but Him knowing full well that no one will truly understand. iwill not even offer the chance for anyone to understand anymore because these things have long expired. He said that He himself is more than enough for me and will be all that i ever need in a friend and so much more and i'll take His word for that. sometimes the more human beings you rope in, the messier it becomes. learnt the lesson well and clear but sometimes, despite knowing so, i just wish there was someone who truly truly understands...here on earth. maybe just so that i'll feel less like an oddball. maybe because misery simply needs company. but i do have company.

i don't understand these irrational fears. and why they surface and torment. and why they culminate in the problems that they are. its not like a fear fear but more like...an 'issue', an uneasy unsettling feeling. no idea how to put it across either. and they are irrational simply because the human mind declares so. no other concessions made for the legitimacy and it might truly be a warning from someone whos omniscient who lives inside me. none of this sort....if im to tell anyone that is.

its ok if at the end of the day i realise i'm truly wrong. i will be simply relieved knowing for sure but right now, all i know is that uneasy feeling i have which is so palpable and i know the direct linkage to it so why is it that i am dismissed when i simply chose to confide.

some answers wouid be nice. not just for me. but for now, i'm sticking to the old routine of guarding my peace and steering from the path that renders me completely unpeaceful and sick....even when the human mind darzen agree and comes in conflict. even if no one else sees it. even if i'm alone in this.

in the eye of the storm

sometimes i just need one friend
just one, in the crowd to understand.

im adopting the isolationist policy. the USA relented not too long after adopting their own..or rather they were provoked to put that aside stand up and fight and..eventually win.maybe thats the same for me too.

for now i just need a hole for me to hide in and wallow in. i dun want anyone else but Jesus. not that i have plenty of choices to begin with in the first place. things simply don't look good and i don't want to mind anyone's business, not even my own.

its the emotional turmoil that is really debilitating in my case. i only know i only feel safe in that mighty strong tower with Him and Him alone. i don't know when i will come out. i am not a coward..im just an escapist. i don't like to see what i don't like to see so the simple option is always to put them out of sight by putting myself out of sight. by hiding in recluse.

my mind is not at rest, my heart has no joy.Hez telling me to watch and see...watch and see what He has prepared for me. yes, to take my eyes off the unfavourable circumstances but not shut them completely to what He can do for me, to what He has done for me, the cross. even in my most dire straits, Jesus speaks, Jesus answers. -weak smile- i don't even have it in me to see anything that He wants me to see. everything that He has said and has promised seems so far away, seems so impossible and elusive. for now i really can't be bothered with how glorious its all going to be..i'm too caught up with how dark it currently is..until then...

selah

for the mountains shall depart
and the hills be removed
but My kindness shall not depart from you
nor shall my covenant of peace be removed
says the Lord, who has mercy on you

O you afflicted one
tossed with tempest, and not comforted
behold, i will lay your stones with colorful gems
and lay your foundations with sapphires
i will make your pinnacles of rubies,
your gates of crystal
and all your walls of precious stones

hooray!

i just need to make this announcement

a contestant for spore idol who got in just thanked JESUS CHRIST ON national tv...."to my lord and savior JEsus christ.."he said he couldnt have done it without HIm.

so wonderful.finally someone dares to say HIS name and give glory to HIM in public.at the risk of risking votes. i love this!

Jerry ong definitely has my vote.

at the beginning

we were strangers starting out on a journey

never dreaming what we'd have to go through

now here we are and i'm suddenly standing

at the beginning with you

no one told me i was going to find you

unexpected what you did to my heart

when i lost hope, you were there to remind me

this is the start

"they are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of your house.."psalms 36:8

today i saw my parents smile with so much glee like nothing can ever bog them down again because they saw the goodness of God in their lives. its like little children opening up their christmas presents on christmas morning. and that alone filled my heart with joy. i wanto see this more often.

despite all our numerous conflicts, our 'irreconcilable' differences... i know i want them well. because Jesus in me does and loves them very much. and i can just see how happy Jesus is today watching them.

it thrills my heart even more when they recognize the source of their blessings as Jesus.
it thrills my heart to know that prayers come to pass...and i'm seeing them unravel before my eyes.
its my heart's prayer that they prosper in health and spiritually even as they prosper.
immature and faithless as they are, they are testimony of the Lord's goodness and grace, unconditional love and sweet mercy...because they've been blessed with so much.
i just pray that the Lord awaken them (and me) to how blessed they really are in Christ and may the Lord continue to rain His blessings down on them.

this is a huge encouragement to me. although i know that i wouldn't be able to partake of that huge blessing that God just rained upon them....not much anyway...
this is a sure sign that He is taking care of them and my heart is at rest. that He'll do the same..if not more for me. my mum's simple prayers..simple requests with no faith declarations can get answered so swiftly...God is so good.restoration is indeed here.

praise you Jesus. thank you for saving us.

because He lives,
i can face tmr
because He lives,
all fear is gone
and because i know
i know He holds the future
and life is worth the living just because He lives

redeemed from the maluation.

i thank the Lord that He is never embarassed about me. inspite of me and all that i do.

yesterday i was in class with a fellow christian friend. and we were dozing off...because the lecture was just so painfully boring. and she casually said that its so bad she always falls asleep and its such an embarassment to our Lord.

i stopped short and jolted awake. not literally..but something inside me just pained. then i thought...if thats what it takes to embarass my God, then i would be guilty of many many other charges. i cannot even BEGIN to remember the innumerable times i have 'given Him a bad name'. and i honestly think that He doesn't want me to start.

"there is therefore now no condemnation..."

so the question is..."is God embarassed?"
i dun think so.with all of my heart. because if He was, He wouldn't have died stripped and naked on the cross for the world to see. He wouldn't take the scoffing, the spitting the abuse. for Me. when He well knew that 2000 years later, i'll be here, walking the earth in His glorious name and doing things that are well..not too honorable. and it's not just sleeping in class, cutting church queues. i shall not elaborate and leave all things under the mercy seat. thats where they belong anyway.

it's really nice and a huge relief to know that He took all my shame. and now because i have trusted Him to be my righteousness, there simply izznt a shred of shame to look forward to in life. no devil can laugh in my face knowing full well that i know i will have the last laugh...while looking at their master, headless and in pain...under my feet.

i honestly can't imagine Him slapping His face and covering it in shame because i've done something 'shameful' in human terms. can't imagine Him saying.."alamak...xinying is sleeping in class again.whole day sleep and sleep...15 years in sch alrady still sleeping.."yes He did turn red at the cross but not with embarassment but because He was covered from head to toe with my ransom-His precious blood.

i will nv nv be embarassed!simply because of His finished work. and its even better news to know that God is not embarassed of me! in the bible, He calls me His pride and His delight. ...yes..even me. and He shows me off with glee to all angels and pricipalities. i am His prized possession. which explains why it thrills His heart when i declare that i am the righteousness of God in christ. He is not ashamed at all to acknowledge that i am His princess...blur and sotong and silly as i am. okok..must change my lingo..see thru the eyes of faith, alert discerning and wise...yep yep thats me.

He is not ashamed of me and that makes me so so so so glad. when i was much younger, i was ashamed to say anything that is indicative that i am christian to pple who dun share the faith and the God. i think that must have pained His heart but all is forgiven and now i echo paul that we're not ashamed of the gospel of christ...the name of christ and all that He has done. if we were to be, alamak....its as good as saying we're ashamed to be alive, because thats the only reason we are..and how we are entitled to a glorious hope and future.

He can't wait to show me off and declare to all that I'm His! in my opinion therez nothing to show off, but its ok. its His opinion that matters anyway.

and she's NOT so lucky

nah..no allusion to the britney spears song up there.
(btw i am blessed beyond the curse);)

today i talked to so many pple on msn while trying to clear my readings. well i did end up clearing a grand total of one..out of so many others..but im still pretty much pretty much confused. minorities of southeast asia is NOT a fun module to take. thats the only thing i learnt actually.

someone casually mentioned that i was lucky because somehow i just get thru my life and things happen to fall into place. non christian commentary but while i was magnifying my own probs and inadequacies...getting thru the mad and sad chapters of my life..it seems appalling that that shd be a feature at all that characterized my life from a third person perspective.

well it apparently was.praise God.

if they only knew
that its because what God has blessed, no man/demon can curse.
the monumental mistakes i have chalked up in my 21 years. some still serve as a constant reminder of the deep pits i was dug out from. all because i wandered thru life with my eyes closed.
the anxieties that so often (less often now praise God) that tried to take root in my heart and plague my mind..
and how God sends His sweet comfort and restores my sanity
that i have been utterly faithless and fell prey to the dauntings of the enemy
and it took a God who cared and loved to extreme lengths to salvage my fragile existence.
that i am nothing without Him.
that i have no beauty in and of myself
that i am an utter bankrupt.

if only they knew
the rock which i was hewn from,
the covenant which i am a part of
the God who left heaven so that He won't have to go through eternity without me.
His everlasting promises
His extreme love that mind can't comprehend
that He is a good God

if only they knew that the answer is Jesus
if only they knew that the name to call is Jesus.

so glad i know these things.i wanto know more.and i want more people to know...

jeremiah 32:38-41
they shall be My people, and I will be their God;
then I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear(worship) Me forever,
for the good of them and their children after them
And i will make an everlasting covenant with them
that i will not turn away from doing them good
but i willput my fear(worship) in their hearts to that they will not depart from me
Yes, i will rejoice over them to do them good, and i will assuredly plant them in this land,
with all My heart and with all my soul

what love sees

love is not blind and it has the power to fulfil.

love sees potential. love sees beyond this realm. love sees beauty in ugliness. love sees and accepts unconditionally. love sees the faults and shortcomings but they never the overbearing element. love sees what no one else sees.

i just watched the passion and i am rather speechless.
after watching all that He went thru for me, i just cant help but ask Him if He still thinks its worth it. if I'm worth it.

apparently so. and this i will never know why.

i dun even bring praises to Him these days. i bring a whole load of complaints and tears. pain..grief..sometimes self inflicted because im still such a brat. He saw all these from the beginning but still wants to give me His kingdom. still wants me. still.



thus my heart was grieved,
and i was vexed in my mind.
i was so foolish and ignorant; i was like a beast before You
nevertheless i am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand
You will guide me with Your counsel
And afterward receive me to your glory

psalms 73

Cali's the genius!

ok see the new feature to the right!?!?my friend cali did it for me and i just hafta put the credits here coz i didnt know how to and probs arose as in isaac's name became isaac adelene. its very funny i know ...i was laughing quite hard but not to him lah. so had to trouble cali again to do it again. so yah now its done. btw shez the one who helped me do alot of things abt the blog.i only know how to err..post an entry. AND change a template!pretty proud abt that..hehe.

thanks calii!*hugg*

love you...
the IT suaku

walls

Too many walls have been built in-between us
Too many dreams have been shattered around us
If I seem to give up they'll still never win
Deep in my heart I know the strength is within

=)

if i dun make sense its because i didnt get enough sleep...

if i do..praise the Lord!

today i just found my thoughts drifting to the 'romances' in the Bible and how God brought all these couples together and well..the common denominator besides God is that they all dun haf a courtship period.what i also realised with this is that in the wee hrs of the morning when u cant sleep and u've stared at ur boring readings for the past 20 minutes, you wonder abt EVERYTHING.including of coz..what to eat for lunch.

in this day and age (esp in spore)whereby they say that u cant get married even when u haf a job because u need this and that and this and that first.lets call that point B. and to get to that point B u need to get thru point ai aii aiii aiv av avi etc. its so complicated and the journey alone is arduous.

this is in such a sharp contrast to the biblical figures. they asked from God..God delivered and there was like no courtship period?they just decided and committed and there it was. i mean thats so foreign to us!we wld nv imagine that happening. we cant just trust God alone here. we need to find out..to test..to trial and error..and if it darzen work out..hurray!we thank God that He will 'restore' one 7 times better. i dun doubt that He does and can restore but because of this alternative that is always available. ...so many pple..including myself have been tempted to call it quits at the first sign or second or third..of trouble.

it made me wonder what pple did back then if they encountered troubles of the same nature that we of this generation do. do they call it quits and trust God for restoration too?there definitely izznt any mention of 'breaking up' as far as i can remember. but correct me if i'm wrong coz im curious.i think like what God said to David when he went for bathsheba....the response shd be to ask Him for whateva more that we feel is lacking/not enough. i guess pple back then can do nothing much but pray. its either pray or stray lor.once decided, its pretty much two steps nearer to a covenant which you cannot break. its based so much on commitment and trust in Him.

its almost scary when i thought of that. its like..woah no way out. thats unfathomable in today's context but why do people want a way out?i know when it crosses my mind its because i can't think ofany other way around the problem. it seems huge unmanageable and its simply alot easier to give up. i look at the challenge ahead of me and before even considering bringing God into the picture, i simply decide that if its nothing i can handle, forgetit. its not worth the effort.
little did i realise..(until now) that no matter how much effort i try to overcome, i cannot. until God turns it around. He loves me too much not to bother abt any detail in my life that bothers me and if its anything remotely relatedto me, He has his attention on it and is all ready to spring into action to rectify things and set them right for me...if i'd allowed Him to.

problems are not exclusive to any relationship. its everywhere. human beings are problematic! and its been tried tested and proven. we can't handle anything on our own without God. if two people are brought together by God but chose to call it quits because they THINK they cant handle the challenge ahead, and simply move on waiting for someone else to come along...the same missle is going to strike that new relationship again. but praise be to God for with every problem challenge and doubt, He is our answer and help in time of need.

i know God can only trust me with His precious Isaac only if i trust Him with him. and vice versa. we are too precious to Him and too incapable in and of ourselves to love each other the way we wanto and the way He wants us to. and all is requiredo fme...as always is to rest and let Jesus' love be expressed thru me. if i dun rest, He can flow. i haveno choice...hallehlujah.

awake.

i was awake at 6 plus AM.
i woke up.

revelation

i starting to see the picture. i might actually pass and NOT fail module my personal relationships #1001.

recently i've been just questioning just about everything abt my personal relationships with people.and its more than depressing. when it comes to this particular area, i am an utter failure all right. i have too many human expectations that no one can reach. and i honestly yearn for nothing but perfection. and by perfection it simply means...that everything goes my way. discreetly of coz...i give in sometimes. but otherwise, i really dun have it in me to compromise.

i have never been thought the fine art of relationships or relating to people in any moment of my 21 years. and the only reason why my close friends are still in myinner circle is because 1) sheergrace of God. 2) they dun have to live with me everyday. congratulations to them. they dunno what they really are spared from. i dunno either but i think its pretty close to hell on earth.

so recently, when i started inspecting these not too perfect areas in my life which matter so so much to me, i nearly just sat there and died. not good prognosis i see. not good at all. dismal. and its so sad to know that its people i love. icant be the least bothered if its pple i dun love. they can jolly well exit my life and i know this flippant attitude with people izznt all too good.but im not goin to digress and condemn myself there. its already condemned. at the cross..

but in the past few days its just nothing but pain. i feel like everything that i can enjoy out of any human relationship has just officially eroded away. everything is so wrong!and i dun think i was hallucinating. i examined all my relationships..from family to isaac and...honestly, its a harrowing sight. its too far from where i envisioned it to be. esp in the area of isaac, he hazznt been having it easy at all. and alot of it..is my fault. its hard to admit it but its so painful coming to terms with that. he once said that 'jesus is his joy and i am his happiness here on earth'. i think i've strayed so far from that. so far...

so yesterday the Lord delivered a word to me. thru supernatural means once again coz i was just stuck in a rut called confusion. He told me that everything that has been eroded away will be restored much more..QUICKLY. quickly is the key word here coz i'm not the most patient saint you have around. andHe said that He is rebuilding me. ok..i honestly scorned at this coz i thot He was tearing me down all over again but thats fine oso...i like it when Hez all in charge and i am nothing. i hate to be something although i honestly am so inclined to be try to be something. He is also restoring my joy coz im a sad morose creature these days.

so today...i asked HIm again. why allow these trials?He just toldme very gently and lovingly that its actualy the perfect season to allow me to go into this mode and allow Him in and ask myself these painful questions. imagine if this happened 10 years down when we're married with kids. wun it be even worse. now i see the big picture. how Hes building me up...intervening with areas that are so wrong abt me.about us. and restoring and i'm seeing Him as my all in all in this area. even this is so tempered with His grace and mercy and love. He is so involvedin every single area of my life. i can't make it without Him.and i dun wanto make it without him.

i have nothing to go on with but hope in Him alone.and if grace brought me here, it'll bring me all the way there.i have Him to lean on.phew.

thy mercy my God is the theme of my song
the joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue
thy free grace alone from the first to the last
hath won my affections and bound my soul fast

without thy sweet mercy i cld not live here
sin would reduce me to utter despair
but thru thy free gdness my spirits revived
and He that first made me still keeps me alive

thy mercy is more than a match for my heart
which wonders to feel its own hardness depart
dissolved by thy gdness, i fall to the ground
and weep for the praise of the mercy i found
great father of mercies, thy gdness i own
and the covenant love of thy crucified son
all praise to the spirit whose whisper divine
seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine

disgruntled.

blogger sux.its like..i typed in a real long entry yesterday and it just disappeared forever in a flash.and its not even the first time it happened. i hope someone from blogger.com is reading this. this place needs help. its not even remotely close to easy to upload photos and this has nothing to do with my handicap in all things IT related.

urgh.

"they say you live in hospitals and trenches
and towers in the sky
and i'm not dying or fighting any wars
except on the inside.

the only thing i need is a void that you can fill
and i jump ship and run even further in your will

and i am looking for the well that wun run dry
the rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
when you wrap your arms around me
i can walk away
and face...the emptiest day

the words i find impossible to mention
are written on a star
they say that i can find you in a flower
but i need you in the car

the optimism of my youth is dead and gone
but i'll save these speculations for another time and song

and life is only perceived thru chemicals and emotions
but love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean"

sought after, redeemed, beloved.

"as the waters cover the sea
so your love covers me
guiding me on, roads unknown
i trust in You alone"-saving grace

He'll crown my head with lasting songs of joy. i'll take heart and do nothing.every valley made high and mountain made low.

"for the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in it, thanksgiving and the voice of melody"isaiah 51

i really can't wait to flourish.its a dry period. not in the spiritual sense. i'm seeing the bible more as my lifeline and i'm fellowshipping with Him like every other moment because...Hez the only one around.=)

but Hez perfect company. praise God.

isaiah is truly my favourite book in the bible. so much so that if i were to have a son, i would so much like to name him isaiah. but then again,it mightnot be the best idea since its hard to pronounce the name for the average singaporean..and his name will prob end up being 'ai sai...ah"it sounds horrible i know.

in the book of isaiah, God has spoken so clearly and i feel almost like the pathetic errant jerusalem. in this book , you see so much of His undying love, His gentle side . How everything is so comforting ..His words. inspite of the harsh tenuous conditions that afflict and surround poor israel. sometimes i feel so much like them and the words spoken by Him so loong ago just bring so much comfort and peace. like i can rest in nothing but His arms of love. nothing can placate me but His voice. no one can tell me that 'everythings goin tob e all right' but HIm alone. sometimes , it almost feels as if NOTHING can be alright but..its ok.Hez my God so i will be. everything can go wrong for all icare...coz thats the norm aniwae.

"with Christ in the vessel i can smile at the storm"

at least i have an eternal friend and companion in this Jesus. and thats really morethan enough. even when its so upheavalish all around..Hez unchanging and stable. even when i need to finish my essay soon and ihavent started...HEz stillcalm. even though He loves me so. even when i messedup big time in all the areas possible, He knows how to patch things up.i cant wait for the day whereby i can see Him face to face and hug him. i really can't. and with everyday that i live, i thank God i'm one day closer to THAT day.yay.=)

many years as a young girl , Jesus once appeared to me in the flesh and i was so in shock i couldnt even move. i remember this experience rather vividly.every thought that flashed in my mind ..i can remember. even today.after so many years. you really cant forget experiences like these and well...my mind was so frozen at that moment there werent many thoughts that got thru in the first place so its not that hard to remmeber. i remember the first thing he said to me was 'do not fear". only until recently that i realised that that IS HIS trademark line. coz when He meets pple, everywhere in the bible u see Him saying 'do not fear..do not be afraid.." and today i can hear Him saying that to me again. when i'm so unsure. about everythingin life. when i feel so alone and small in this great big unfriendly world. its real nice to know that you can rest and not be afraid coz even the great big unfriendly world is HIs footstool and Hez on ur side. thats the clincher. it really sux to be on the opposite camp with a God like this and my heart goes out to the lost and the wandering. at least i only can FEEL lost.

"and you shall be called Sought OUt, a city not forsaken."isaiah 62

churching

getting to church is such a challenge these days. i turned up for 4th on my own and i thought..wow no queue..can go walk walk and be back in 20 mins.

20 mins later: someone told me the ticketing system starts today!and i havent got a ticket so run run and get ticket. got the ticket..thought.."still early..go walk walk somemore"

10 mins later:after toilet and careefouring, i came back and wah got such a long queue like there was NO ticketin system. of coz i joined the queue..only to realise like 45 mins later...i din hafta queue because i already got the tix. so all in all..despite being ultra confused..i got 3rd row seats. not close enuff to see pastor prince's pores but close enough to be spotted by the camera here and there and if i fall asleep...he can see.

but its all worth it. just like last weeks amazing race experience before getting to church...i believe this is the day of my breakthrough.end of chronic fatigue and alot of other health related probs. the holy communion makes more sense than ever today and im more excited abt it than ever.