Wish list

I want to bear your likeness.

Epiphany

Some months ago, as I entered the twilight moments of my 20s, I felt a tinge of sadness recounting the endless things of things I didn't accomplish but set out to do.

Today, I had some sort of epiphany that suggested otherwise.

I have been so fortunate to have had the opportunities:
1) To love even though I've had my heart broken because some cannot even say that they have loved before.
2)I have maximized every single career opportunity to the max and given nothing short of my best. God has also blessed the efforts and given me great increase despite the toil and grief when I thought success was too far away.
3)Even in the dungeons and the unlikeliest places, I have been blessed with friendships and been privileged enough to have had complete strangers bare their hearts to me and share in their pain and wipe away their tears.

So, in light of this new perspective, I thank God for a fantastic second decade on earth. I hope that I have glorified Him and demonstrated His love and heart to those whom He has brought into my life. And for the times when I have failed, I am grateful for fresh wisdom to and second chances to make it right.

Tug of war

The same battles keep raging within and around me.

I struggle between trusting God and being held hostage by traumatic past experiences where He seemed to have ''failed'' me. I lament the despair at the recount of those experiences and how I barely survived by the skin of my teeth still send shivers down my spine. Help me with my unbelief because I so want to believe. I read and I get distracted by many things. I flood my mind with prayer and supplication but these thoughts will not be silenced. Fear still has a strong grip and chokes the life out of me. Xanax proves to be effective but not for too long. The nights are the hardest because it feels like those battles are fought alone and I am terribly outnumbered.

Today my SVP told me that I can leave anytime I want to. I think he is trying desperately to save money while packaging this as an excuse for me to have an edge over other job seekers out there as I can fill a vacancy immediately. There is still a lot of work to be done even though the business is dry like a desert. It does not make me feel good that my value-add to the company is so minor that I can leave and it will still be (bad) business as usual. Ironically, a colleague who is only second to him, albeit unofficially emailed me to inform me that I have to be in Amsterdam (again) next week. So now they have to fight it out. In the meantime,the clock is ticking and I have reached a stage of ambivalence. While it is extremely tiring to finish meetings on Thursday, fly back over the weekend and report to work on Monday morning while suffering jetlag, if I have to do it, I thank God this is the last of it. I can't claim time off on Monday because my overseas partners are arriving then. I dread the fatigue because I know I am less than half a person when I do the crazy two day european amazing races.

While they're at it, I hope they sort out the issue of whether I have to attend the meeting end March because I hate to be summoned at the eleventh hour to fly. If I wanted that, I would have enrolled for med school to be an ER doctor or gynaecologist. Not a retail planner.

I am taking this the best I can but somehow this is not enough. The fear of the uncertain future, the ongoing strife at work etc. I wish my burdens weren't so heavy but I have been accustomed to carrying burdens heavier than this. I have been taught to fend for myself and even carry the burdens of others. Maybe that's why I hate being here. Maybe that's why I hate being me because there is absolutely no one I can unload these to. Sure, I can call a few up to talk it out and cry but at the end of it all, the onus is on me. The responsibilities are mine. Some days I just want to be dangerously hedonistic. At the root of it all, I just want to be free.

"so lift your hands to heaven and pray, that we'll be back together someday"

Last week, I returned to Hong Kong not knowing what to expect. Like I mentioned too many times before, this land has a special place in my heart.

I prayed that we would have many God incidents as He directs our paths throughout the 7 days and He answered us in a spectacular measure. Apart from meeting Lawrence who is a dedicated Christian in the marketplace, we also found ourselves walking into a hair salon by chance because a fog disrupted our planned trip to macau. We saw a sign that said that 'Christ was the head of this house' and walked in and the next thing we knew, we were chatting up a storm in a hilarious mix of english, cantonese and mandarin with the salon owner, Louis.

He shared with us his salvation testimony and I am left in awe by the great lengths the Lord in doing in this land. I pray for much more of His spirit to be poured out, that when the enemy raises up a flood, the Lord himself will raise a higher standard, that the church of HK will be strong in the face of a culture that doesn't respect Jesus.

It was such a privilege to be in the company of these people. To know that in a marketplace that is ruled by principles subversive to that of God's, they are holding on strong and continuing to soldier on to reverse the works of the enemy and to bring Jesus to many.

Ironically, it was during this trip that I really questioned myself if I could live and work here. It is war-365 days a year. Living conditions are less than ideal and the work culture is punishing in nature. I really applaud my christian brothers who chose to live apart from the world while in the world and I know it's a mean feat. In the past, I would have jumped at any opportunity to relocate but after getting a glimpse of how the locals really live and how hard their lives are, I am thinking twice. I thought I knew hong kong but I was wrong.

Our trip also coincided with the anti-chinese movement. HK is like the orphaned child, given away by her mother to support her own opium addiction only to return a century later to claim parental support despite having had no part in her development and tenancious childhood. While I totally see where this anti-chinese movement stems from, I wonder if the xenophobia will result in disastrous backlashes. 

I don't think I will be back anytime soon. For real. Every single time I leave, I think it's the last time I'll be there in awhile and the next thing I know, before the year is up, I'm back again. You decide, Lord.

So on the last day, I felt a tinge of sadness arising in me as I bade the land farewell. I don't know when I'll be back but I'll remember you in my prayers. 

I love you.

香港

:)

The hardest part, Coldplay

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Paradise-coldplay

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fl

Hiring the 'Third Billion'

Hmm.

Hiring the 'Third Billion' - http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/01/29/why-the-global-economy-needs-to-businesses-to-invest-in-women

Shared from Newsweek, an iPhone app made with www.AppMakr.com

Awestruck

Yesterday, I was telling God and a friend how crippled I feel regarding certain issues that have bogged me down so much.


Today, as I prayed I got a verse from Isaiah 35 that said " The lame shall leap as a hart"


"Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
   and sorrow and sighing will flee away."


" Strengthen the feeble hands, 
   steady the knees that give way; 
⁴ say to those with fearful hearts, 
   “Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
   he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
   he will come to save you.”


I don't know how but somehow, keeping on in the word of the Lord is slowly unraveling my Lebanon, filling me with hope and strength.


Surely the Lord is the strength of my heart and portion forevermore.

Haha

I fainted in 1997 at the dentist after extracting 4 teeth to make room for braces.

I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I thought I was going to die at 14. I remember opening my eyes but seeing nothing and hearing anxiety in the voices around me ad the paramedics tried to rouse me back to consciousness.

Prior to that I never feared medical personnel or trips to the dentists. I prided myself for being braver than the wimpy boys. I never winced when they drew blood, administer vaccinations and extract (baby) teeth.

Then now I'm a wuss.

I have had a long descent into wussdom. Gung Ho no more.

Deja Vu

Over and over.

Like a broken record.

Before I enter, I scan for the exit, ready to bolt.

Rubble everywhere.

The familiar sting and stench.

I re-live every thing again.

Leehom Wang - Ni Bu Zai

And I haven't gone for a single Lee Hom concert. Given the lousy acoustics in Indoor stadium and the dark lights, I probably will have to strain to hear every single word and read the lyrics on my iphone.

Youtube to the rescue!

Find your freedom

"You were there for summer dreaming
and you were a friend indeed
And I know you'll find your freedom eventually
for eternity"-Eternity, Robbie Williams

Dear mouth

Now you seem to be infected despite taking 18 anti-biotic pills a day. Because you have been behaving like a recalcitrant brat, I am now running a temperature and a headache. I cannot stand the chills even though the air con is not on and my head hurts like..bad.

You have hurt me too deeply. Too much. You gotta stop so my fever can go, headaches can cease and my shoulder ( yes I blame you for this too) can stop hurting.

I need sleep and to be able to eat. I hope you heed this warning or else I will deny you your favorite food.

Thank you.

Yours,
Brain