Tug of war

The same battles keep raging within and around me.

I struggle between trusting God and being held hostage by traumatic past experiences where He seemed to have ''failed'' me. I lament the despair at the recount of those experiences and how I barely survived by the skin of my teeth still send shivers down my spine. Help me with my unbelief because I so want to believe. I read and I get distracted by many things. I flood my mind with prayer and supplication but these thoughts will not be silenced. Fear still has a strong grip and chokes the life out of me. Xanax proves to be effective but not for too long. The nights are the hardest because it feels like those battles are fought alone and I am terribly outnumbered.

Today my SVP told me that I can leave anytime I want to. I think he is trying desperately to save money while packaging this as an excuse for me to have an edge over other job seekers out there as I can fill a vacancy immediately. There is still a lot of work to be done even though the business is dry like a desert. It does not make me feel good that my value-add to the company is so minor that I can leave and it will still be (bad) business as usual. Ironically, a colleague who is only second to him, albeit unofficially emailed me to inform me that I have to be in Amsterdam (again) next week. So now they have to fight it out. In the meantime,the clock is ticking and I have reached a stage of ambivalence. While it is extremely tiring to finish meetings on Thursday, fly back over the weekend and report to work on Monday morning while suffering jetlag, if I have to do it, I thank God this is the last of it. I can't claim time off on Monday because my overseas partners are arriving then. I dread the fatigue because I know I am less than half a person when I do the crazy two day european amazing races.

While they're at it, I hope they sort out the issue of whether I have to attend the meeting end March because I hate to be summoned at the eleventh hour to fly. If I wanted that, I would have enrolled for med school to be an ER doctor or gynaecologist. Not a retail planner.

I am taking this the best I can but somehow this is not enough. The fear of the uncertain future, the ongoing strife at work etc. I wish my burdens weren't so heavy but I have been accustomed to carrying burdens heavier than this. I have been taught to fend for myself and even carry the burdens of others. Maybe that's why I hate being here. Maybe that's why I hate being me because there is absolutely no one I can unload these to. Sure, I can call a few up to talk it out and cry but at the end of it all, the onus is on me. The responsibilities are mine. Some days I just want to be dangerously hedonistic. At the root of it all, I just want to be free.