Puking for 4 weeks of my life

What's happening thus far:

So far my puking has reduced drastically. Some days, it's only at night while some days, I get by without a single epic puke fest.

On the other hand, I've gotten so fatigued and been struck with a few episodes of migraine I couldn't even bear the light on my mobile. Those are worse than nausea in my opinion because they last for long stretches and cannot be alleviated at all by anything. I just have to stay in a cold dark room and fight it out. I end up crying most of the time because it is so debilitating. I read somewhere that it might be due to low blood or blood sugar and some of my friends had these during their pregnancy so...it's just one of the things I have to rough out.

Apart from that, I have also gone into total hibernation mode. I do eat and manage some food now, judging from my expanding waistline. I cannot tell if it's the baby or just fat/flatulence because it's sharp and very firm. I hate to think its fat but really, I keep reminding myself, that my priority is for a healthy baby.

I sleep A LOT! My record was 18 hours a day whereby I wake up only for food and the toilet.

I don't know how and why my body can expand so much energy and I feel like I ran a marathon everyday. I know I'm making a human being but not many I know sleep like that. I find it impossible to wake up and when I do, my head is spinning like a disco ball out of control.

I know I talked about savouring and enjoying the process but I still want to accelerate into the second trimester when things are supposed to be dandier and my concerns are what to wear...

Some days, the physical toil is so much I have to bawl a little to let steam out.

Now, this very moment, I'm feeling gastricky and waves of nausea again. When that happens, a dizzy episode usually ensues.

Signing out.

Forgetting in the midst of pain

The symptoms intensified and so thus the suffering.

So instead of nausea, I've graduated to migraines and had a mini breakdown. Thankfully, it is more tolerable now because prior to that, I couldn't even take the light of the mobile phone without feeling absolutely tortured.

I have turned this whole pregnancy into a slew of countdowns to perceived/expected dates when suffering can be over. Despite the fact that I undeniably still look forward to my child's birth, I have decided to miss the good parts of the pregnancy and let the symptoms overwhelm and dominate my entire mind, lapsing into a mini pre-natal depression state.

Yes, the symptoms are hard to bear but on the bright side, they are indicative of progress and growth. Yes, some other women have it like a breeze but if I compared on, I would never be happy. On top of all these, I am part of a supernatural process- making a whole human being from scratch.

Like my friend advised, these symptoms might or might not alleviate and hormones, until they taper off or until my body gets used to their onslaught is unlikely to happen soon. Therefore, while it is normal to get down and need plenty of rest, I need an arsenal of happy strategies to win this game against depression.

As weird as this sounds, I need to find a way to savour the process and find happy milestones and happy things to keep my mind occupied and healthy.

In other news, my hcg increase wasn't ideal today. But thanks to the headache, I soon stopped worrying while I curled up in pain. At some point, I was using object to hit my head to relieve me of the inner pain.

Dr sounded a bit worried but all will be out during a scan 7 days from now. Then, I'll be at week 9 and there must be a heartbeat by then. I'm apprehensive but hoping for the best.

I am going to try to spare myself the emotional roller coaster that tends to strike during tense periods of waiting and exhaust every effort to fight the negative emotions. It is easier said than done and I don't have a strong track record of winning this but I need some strategies to kickstart this.

Catching up on TV that I don't get to watch while working helps and maybe that's a faint first step I'll take.

Then, now that I nap better, I'm going to attempt more of that too.

So there, trying to be strong. Baby, be strong too.

MILESTONE-week 8

I'm finally at week 8!

Praise the Lord. While the morning/night and day sickness is alleviating, I am still getting hot flushes and dizzy spells from the hormone pills. TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I have a swollen toe now because I semi sprained/snubbed it and didn't realise until the pain was unbearable.

I'm so excited and I cannot wait till week 9 ultrasound.

Please baby, please show the world your heartbeat. To let me know I didn't suffer in vain.

To make it more exciting, I absolutely love the char bee noon from Gleneagles cafe. It's crazy but amongst the few things I eat,  I love their food, in particular the malay store.

So since I'm eating basically nothing, I'm really looking forward to eat so that this bub can grow grow grow.

My baby update.

It's been 3 weeks since I discovered my pregnancy. 21 days exactly. 

I've been at risk of dehydration only too many times and the sweltering heat doesn't help. The house is a heated sauna and even air conditioning provides little respite. I perspire profusely and then go clammy and go dizzy. It's crazy and I'm trying not to catch a cold while I go from very hot to very cold within seconds and try not to dehydrate. It's a delicate balance. 

I try not to worry but I'm plagued by nightmares. I also suffer from terrible moods. Not moodswings because I'm hardly rested or happy when circumstances are overwhelming and I feel utterly useless. 

Everyday I'm thankful it's once more day. 

Everyday. 

Praise God. 

Exodus 23.26

For none shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I'll fulfill all your days. 

Only 226 days or 226+7 days to go. Gynae isn't sure of exact due date but I'm already counting down to the day I see my healthy child face to face. 

Harrowing night

Yesterday I came down with diarrhoea. Coupled with the constant puking, I strangely thought checking myself into hospital was a good idea but that was a whole nightmare altogether.

When I reached, I was attended to rather quickly for the first time in the ER and their first priority was to hydrate me. theyy tried to stop the nausea by giving me a drug I was allergic to.

To cut the long story shut, I ended up convulsing, not being able to move my muscles voluntarily, needing help even to urinate and not seeing even though my eyes were wide open. I was close to death I thought but somehow I knew it was just an ordeal and it'd pass. While it happened, they were slow to react and didn't explain to me what was happening. I was just trapped in my own body unable to say anything.

Ended up staying the night at the hospital and even right now, some 24 hours later, I'm still reeling from some PTSD at the thought of it all.

I would have left behind so many regrets. Now I just pray this quickly ends and my baby will be ok.

Pregnancy journals-#1

Ironically, it's the night sickness that really calms me down because they let me know that the hormones are still surging and baby is still growing.

I am scared I admit that I will lose this one.

I hung on to verses from exodus citing no miscarriage or barreness. Read it a 1000 x over to myself intermittently between puking sessions and it does get better but I'm still scared.

On another note,I am really thankful for old friends who love me and made the arduous journey down to visit me. Asher was another star surprise delight! I just love this boy so much and wish and dream so much for him. Can't wait to see what God has in store for him and I don't know how to communicate just how precious he is to him. Maybe one day when he encounters God for himself, he'll truly finally know.

My dear quekeroo,

are you snug in me? I just pray you are growing strong and healthily and I can't wait to meet you. I see you in my dreams and visions and I'm so afraid this is all a very beautiful dream.

Can't wait till you're strong and way past your first trimester and then we can go out and share more about ourselves with you.

Can't wait to know that you're safe and with retching as the only indicator out of the way.

I will put up with whatever nausea and retching just to know you are ok. You are so loved by me and daddy.

6 weeks

Life can be a tad more difficult when one body is trying to house two individuals.

After an epic puke-fest which seemed like even last year's christmas dinner was out through the chutes, I am now scavenging the kitchen for some dry crackers. Like the first break of dawn, I feel hunger. I have been repulsed by food since .....baby decided to make its presence known..

Even as I traipse through my own corridor to head to the kitchen, I smell the lingering smell of what reeks of someone frying bacon this deep into the night. It can't be and won't be but my nose hallucinates like a paranoid schizophrenic. It is so fearful of stimuli that might restart the whole gagging merlion act that it has decided to be hypersensitive to save my life.

Dear nose, I appreciate that a lot but life has to go on and this won't go on eternally. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently just 3 more weeks of puking to go, if I'm lucky and I'll be delivered from the monstrosity of a nightmare that plagues me every night like it's time for cinderella to go home.

And...to the one who caused it all.

Dear child,

I can't wait for your arrival already. You have made your presence felt and heard and we love you already. I cannot imagine how much more I can love you than I already do. Given that, please don't take it for granted and insist on being the sweetest soul Mummy has ever seen on this side of God's green earth because you have caused me pain. Also, just be your cutest ever and you know I'll forget this ....tonight's atrocities ever happened.

Love,
Mummy

the aftermath

After the initial shock, it seems like life went right back to normal and I'm fighting some protracted flu-like symptoms.

Workwise, I literally just have to rough it out until DDay.

April fool'S day 2014

I cannot believe what just happened. After everything that has been happening.