lost in wonder

you chose the cross with every breath
the perfect life the perfect death
you chose the cross
a crown of thorns you wore for us
and crowned us with eternal life
you chose the cross
and though your soul was overwhelmed
with pain
obedient to death you overcame

i'm lost in wonder
i'm lost in love
i'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
i am forgiven
i am restored

You loosed the cords of sinfulness
and broke the chains of my disgrace
You chose the cross
up from the grave victorious
you rose again so glorious
you chose the cross

the sorrow that surrounded you was mine
yet not my will but yours be done you cried.

-kisses from heaven-

fresh touch

praise Jesus. look what i found this afternoon....on the second last day of 2004

psalms 32.6-7

Surely in a flood of great waters
They shall not come near him
You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance

hallehlujah!

missing...ashley, raeann,gabriel, tammy, jasper, joseph, benjamin, chloe

my arms are still aching.but they're better.they were so painful i couldn't even pick up the phone. therefore....

NEXT TIME BEFORE NURSERY I'LL WARM UP.

its no easy feat carrying two fat babies one after another with another one attached to your leg. it gets even harder when the baby (fatTER after christmas) looks at me with imploring puppy eyes and go.."teacher...carry high high.swing"

and it darzen help that i cant say no to them when they are so adorable.

i love their smell, their everything. i feel tears well up in my eyes when i see their parents arrive for them even though i can finally rest my tired arms and my ears hear nothing more but a light buzzing sound. its sad that they are graduating out of my class come january.

so now i have strong arms.back and calf muscles. and hopefully renewed patience.

all i want for christmas is... just that one revelation...

what i must possibly scream and the song i might possibly sing when i snap out of this digusting cycle and His light shines in and all the darkness flees...

"was i out of my head, was i out of my mind?
how could i have ever been so blind?
i was waiting for an indication
it was hard to find"

restore joy. waiting in anticipation. im a desperate girl.He is a merciful and gracious father figure. i'll get to know what i'm hungering for. breakthrough around the corner...

christmas with the cranks ...and some little bundles of joy.

while the rest of the world feast on logcakes and turkeys, my family was busy making pohpiahs. i don't know why but every time we gather its over pohpiah. the main exchanges that were made throughout the course of the day include, "pass the chilli/garlic/pohpiah skin", "urgh"and silence stony glares. we are not a very affectionate family.no, thats an understatement. i can almost liken it to the gathering of the rudest, most selfish folks. yes, such a congregation exists.

thank God for my cousins. i love them. i love them so much. if not for them, i would have spiralled down depression even further and have truly had less to smile. apart from the wonderful pohpiah. i was just not in the whole yuletide mood. my mind was somewhere else, fragmented, actually its in a 100 thousand different places and the atmosphere did little to remindme that its christmas at all- that Jesus is the reason for the season. that we're here to love , to celebrate Him, not bicker over small things.

i don't have many cousins and joy was the only one i ever went to the same school with. thank God for mgs. i love her like shez my own little sis. although we're 7 years apart, we could go to sch together because mg had pri sch and sec sch together. and we had morning assembly together. and today while playing monopoly junior with little josh, she suddenly blurted this out, "jiejie..do uremember the time u had to raise the flag for morning assembly?"

i was caught off guard.i struggled to remember this. but at the way she was guffawing and choking and gasping for air, the genius in me deduced that it must have been some embarassing incident that i've stashed away to be incinerated. alas, it has resurfaced after this many years.

i was given last minute notice that i had to raise the flag because of girl guides duty. (yes, i was the only guide without any badges and the only outdoor activity i faithfully attended was outdoor cooking). i didn't even know how to put the flag properly. the instructions that were given to me was jsut to pull when the mari kita starts. i thought it was simple.no prob..after all, its yourback facing the rest of the school, no room even for stage fright.

well, so mari kita started and as i got started and the flag started advancing, a gust of wind blew. the flag just covered my entire head. pretty embarassing but its ok, i went on...no one can see me anyway...den as the flag got higher, suddenly i could hear nervous giggles. SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG!

flagw as upside down.i stared daggers at my friend and that look translated into smoething along the lines of .."I TOLD YOU I DIDNT WANT TO DO THISSSS."

so much for that. i would really have preferred to spend christmas somewhere else with some othe rpeople in some church that celebrates Jesus.i love my cousins but the grouchy relatives are too much for me to bear. even being alone and just singing praises alone won't be such a bad idea.

i yearn for time alone with Him and him. i don't know why but time has been choked up. i've been going thru these few days just breathing. existing and not living and struggling to exist even.hit a soul-low a few days ago.

yearning for so much more. need to hear Him talkto me. to minister and to have a private celebration. enough of everyone else. leave me alone, i won't bite but i'll clobber.

miss him. it sux that we have to spend christmas apart.

where to look

"Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
i will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" -isaiah 43.17-19

no reason to despair, whereever ur location and circumstance are. phew.

"and once again i look upon the cross where you died
i'm humbled by your mercy and i'm broken inside
once again i thank you
once again i pour out my life"- kisses in the rain

the mistakes of the throne of israel: 1) looking back at egypt.mourning the things that werent really all too fantastic. only in that moment of insanity did they think it was better than being led out to freedom. in my own humble opinion, this syndrome is nostalgia.

2) lamenting about the current circumstances because they refuse to believe in the glorious future /land in store for them. so wandering it shall be.

dun luk back. dun luk at now. look above. it'll show u whats ahead.

joy to MY world

i don't like blogging anymore, nor reading blogs. word racer is the name of the day.

the past two days have been awesome and this is probably one of my last blogs. before i close it down..bit by bit. or blog once every year.

was at zac's grandparents' place yesterday and God, they are like so lovable. a christian couple with 60 years of marriage. the hightlight of that session must be ah ma singing "beautiful sunday" and "thank you Jesus"...while ah kong (who is kinda tone deaf and deaf) just recited the lyrics. ah ma den tried to hush him so that she can continue her duet with her handsome grandson, isaac quek while i act as support..and come in occasionally and just clap along. i think that moment is divine and i see Jesus nodding. i think i personally prefer hanging out with the really old and really young. anything in between can be classified as dangerous, depressed, whiny and a pain. well..most of the time. if you are feeling offended, well, yes then, i am talking about you. but i still love you!(sometimes)

today was supposed to be an eating spree today and zac and i received a treat from faith and victor. honestly, they are such huge blessings with or without the treat. i really felt so blessed and joyful just being with them. with the food, everything was just totally perfect. and we topped off the day with BS, can anything get better than perfect? Jesus always tops my expectations. contrary to popular belief, i do get everything i want an di know i can. because i'm highly favoured according to the measure of Christ and He can do anything for me. yay!

really, its not just the activities. but the general sense of blessedness and joy that has been sinking into my spirit. some days seem to be pretty mundane and by my own standards, lousy...but its harder to even pay attention to the negative these days. some people in my life are perennial pains...and its not my job to neutralize or change them and although i'm often the subject of their personal anguish and frustration with every possible thing, its ok. its fun to ignoreand go on smiling whilie they continue fuming. i can't help it ok?sometimes the conciousness of Jesus and everything good is so strong these teeny weenee stuff just cant get me down. so for crying out loud, give up. i wish the conciousness of Him and His gdness and love was strong and high everyday but when it izznt, Hez there to remind me gently, to give me a peace that my mind does not comprehend, that my heart sometimes refuse to comply.


whatever...i'm not even going tow aste time looking at these situations and people, i'll let Jesus handle them while i focus on what He wants me to focus on. when i remotely look at these things, i feel like i'm wasting 2 seconds of my life. yes , not even a glance. not worth it.

i am the reason and i cannot deny it. the reason He came down from heaven, went to the cross, rose from the grave.

glee.

door-selective

yesterday a dear friend alerted me of a door she has kindly opened, although i declined to go thru. i know some doors will never close on you but i've grown over the past year. i'm door-selective this time round and this trait will direct all decision-making processes in the future.

the Lord's been showing me (at the perfect timing i must say) that He is the door of the sheep. ( john 10). i will find pasture if He is that door for me. it says there in His word.

i'll rather go by that and not what I should do anymore. and by that, "should" goes in accordance to human standards which are interestingly either beyond or beneath me.

not an ordinary day

Today:

• saw my bf for the first time since he left for that Loooong camp
• fantastic sermon that spoke directly to me and me alone. Jesus has a way of doing things like these. thank You
• my entire family is back.
• Lee Nanxing and moses lim thanked the Lord Jesus Christ during their acceptance speeches for the star awards. hallehlujah!
• not an ordinary day. new light on old darkness. new creation realities -more in play.
• the day before tomorrow. ah ma is leaving for her annual holiday. will miss her so much
• wore a skirt to church. i don't know why but isaac likens my skirt-wearing occasions to something like an olinda dress-wearing sensation. weird
• didn't eat a grain of rice today. oh i did...just not for dinner.
• ate the yolk of the egg

i'm not alone. dun worry

somehow my grandma is very worried when i choose to stay home alone. not that she thinks that i'll burn down the place but apparently its abnormal. on the contrary, i think its the best time that i get to do so because my loudhailer brother is not around to create a ruckus and my ears get a break. but she darzen think so and keeps calling to see whether i've got food and keeps asking me to go out. go watch a movie, shop..anything. just dun be at home. thats the imperial mandate for the day.

yes, i still miss my darling alot. but it darzen mean i immediately need to find other activities to distract me or whatever the prescribed case is. im ok alone. and with other people...although im selective about company. and its not devastating. its just that it feels so funny not being able to hear his voice and all that wondering about how is he. all i know is that hez in jesus' hands and that sets my heart at ease.

and its been 2 hrs since i woke up but im enjoying His company. friend might be coming over tonight. not sure..because i forgot what the plan was.i kept thinking its a stayover but plans are fluid so ah nvm. using this time to just soak up the silence and pray and finish listening to the solid sermon cds that i've accumulated for quite awhile. its been good. just that i'll so like to multiply this joy and love with my darling but we'll wait and be patient. saturday is just round the corner.

thank you for today Jesus...i so love today.

cannot even begin to describe. its not so much the activities but just the general sense of love and awe that i feel..so overwhelmed by His faithfulness and love. its just beautiful and splendid and my words are not doing what i truly feel justice.

im so goin to miss isaac tmr (infact i already do) when he heads for childrens church camp tmr. i just hope the kids arent monsters in disguise. they'll be in huge trouble if they bully him.

sigh..dec is too short.

"mary..Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?When you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God! "

drunk with His goodness

this is the day that the Lord hath made, i will rejoice, i will rejoice with you!

yes this is the day that my darling arrived on this earth 22 years ago..the day that i will forever be thankful for because of the manifested goodness of God in my life that i experience now.

yay!HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!!

i'll always praise God for this day. =). hez my biggest blessing here on earth.BIGGEST.

i'm the happiest sleepiest girl in the world right now.

fondant fondant fondant

why do i still love them?

i caught a glimpse of one tiny facet of the Father's love for us when i served in nursery today.

surrounded by bawling, screaming, puking, crying children. yes, i saw His love for me shine through even in the midst of all that saliva and yelling. i can't really put it into words for now except that its truly truly irrational and unconditional.

its day 2 of home-aloneness and i turned up at brightstar today kinda stoned with swollen eyes because i was bawling the previous night away. yes yes i am a huge crybaby. but its ok. Jesus loves me and sometimes i honestly wish with all my heart i can add on to that line and say "hmph, and He darzen love you!" and guffaw sinisterly but i know i can't say it. because He happens to live in me and sigh...i can't help but love you lor. whoever u are, if i really dun engage my mind.

that aside, yes i din and couldnt stay stoned for long because when the children arrive, we dun even haf time to pee and breathe. you can hear nothing but them, smell nothing but them, be numb to everything but them. u are on high-alert mode instead. not because of a coffee high but because, child A has a reputation of biting his classmates, child b likes to sit under the table, den get up and knock his head and scream the roof down, child C is tearing the art and craft displays off the wall..etc etc.

of coz you have to try to avert disaster and mediate between feuding toy snatchers while having one child perched on ur hip and another attached somehow to your leg. its not easy but it can be done and its classified by irrational behavior to a great number of pple who study behavior. (i used to be one of them when i majored in psychology). but love is above and beyond rationality. and i know this love is manifested supernaturally and partnered with supreme unmatchable grace to hold on for like 7 hrs before you call it a day. and den i'll just keep coming back for more.
and even when the infamous class tyrant graduates out of my class, i feel kinda sad and a tinge of melancholy.

nothing close to rational at all. but its ok. sometimes if you try to look for a reason to justify every act, your life is essentially, ironically meaningless coz thats really all that can sustain you.
there is no checklist to tick against when it comes to love. phew

day 1 out of 8.

i can't believe tears are welling up. my family has just left for an 8 day trip to china and i'll be all alone. i thought i would relish the thought of freedom and err..some silence since my brother has a loudhailer attached to his mouth. and he wakes up early so i hafta wakeup early too. but when i sent them off just a mere 10 mins ago, i had to fight to hold back the tears. i just hope they enjoy this trip. its been a tough year.i hope relationships are cemented and strengthened, stale waters of marriage turned to wine and everything just goes so well because Jesus paid for them to have the absolute best. and they just bask in His love and enjoy all protection of psalms 91.

no matter what we're family. and although i never would have expected it, i suppose its only normal to miss them in the weird way that i do. now that its just me and my computer, excuse me while i go and unleash the river behind the dam in my eyes.

sleep deprived

i hate it when im awake at this hour in the morning and not by choice but for the same reason as always- because my brother has a loudhailer attached to his vocal chords. that everything he says is amplified like 10 times the average person's volume.

nonetheless today shall be a good day although i spent so much time racking my brains last night thinking abt wat to get for dear isaac for his bdae.and im still clueless as ever.slept at 3 plus am.because i was walking through mall after mall, up and down orchard , IN MY MIND.

urgh.