The end

This chapter has finally come to a close.

This must be one of the hardest 9 months I ever lived.

I came home and cried and cried like the torrential rains that poured. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, my first few thoughts (apart from what to eat for dinner) was that I want to go back to Hong Kong.

Then I realized, how can I go back when it was never my home. I wasn't born there and despite the many times that I've been there for work and play since 1996, it is still not home. Technically.

Then I thought about how every time I have to leave my hotel/apartment for airport express, that same sinking feeling in my heart as I trudged around IFC waiting for time to pass, the same final moments in Pret a Manger before taking the 24 minute ride to the airport. The sights on the way to the airport. The sights, the cemeteries that extend all the way up the hill, Tung Chung's citygate and then the airport. Then I board the plane not knowing when I'll next be back.

Emptiness

Suddenly.

Sigh, Isaac quek

Husband: " you are so pretty. I love your big eyes, dark hair and your green tongue."

Ditto

"I was passionate about proving everyone wrong."-Tony Hsieh

"a great company is more likely to die from indigestion from too much opportunity than starvation from too little"-packard's law

Day of reckoning

Let's see what God has up His sleeve for me.

Celebrating me

The Lord told me gently today that when I celebrate my life, the sum of all my experiences both good and bad, I'm giving Him glory as well. Simply because He brought me through every single one and the fact that I survived is a testament of Him in my life.

So I can freely celebrate and be free to be who I am, unabashedly without shame.

Betray

I wrote this some time back when I was nursing my wisdom tooth wound. Now, I think I am ready to post this and share this. After reading this, you might understand the preceding post better.

In any case, I've never been happier.

Betray

One of the definitions of the word betray is as follows:
to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.

This is the definition I'm most well-acquainted with. The one that brought the dormant strengths of a word to life, exposing its destructive ferociousness.

Being incapacitated by a fever and pain from a wound leaves me plenty of time for old hurts to resurface as I seek God regarding the next chapter of my life. The irony of this is that even as I try to get Him to direct me into the future that He has planned, He seems more interested in helping me resolve old scores that I thought were over and done with (for the umpteenth time!) I think this is part of His plan in taking out every last bit of hurt within me so that I can truly be whole and be ushered into all that He has for me. He doesn't want to risk me suddenly collapsing like the poor men who look all fit and strong and then collapse dead during a harmless jog. Even though it doesn't show to the naked untrained eye, it is a latent powerful force that has to be dealt with lest it shows up unannounced during my jog through life and halt all that He has for me.

Unfortunately, doing that requires no shortcuts. God has to open me up and really shine a laser beam on the troubled area. Then, He needs my full consent and cooperation to not run out of the operating theatre mid-surgery. Like the wound in my mouth now, healing will take time and is painful. Even though it hurts, I know it is getting better. My body reacts to this intrusion and trauma with fevers and headaches but I know without a doubt I'm on the road to recovery and must remain patient while I diligently take my meds (18 pills a day, excluding painkillers) to prevent further infection. 

**

On a new year's eve some years back, betrayal crippled me. I have since moved miles past that episode and filled my life with vibrant experiences and rich relationships but unbeknownst to many (including myself), the recovery was not complete. In fact, although I can barely recall it and the details are hazy, I know when NYE is around the corner, I am fearful and filled with dread. Subconsciously, that incident taught me to doubt like never before, refusing to render trust. It left me with a cord of rejection which held me hostage.

That day, after close to 3.5 years of an on-off emotionally draining relationship, I decided it was time for closure. I was going to give him an ultimatum. 1) We go for it with concerted efforts from both parties and stop ignoring our problems or 2) I walk away and never come back. I had enough of ambiguity and I wanted it clearly spelled out in no uncertain terms. 

Then I remember calling M in tears. I remember her calling him and telling him to either ''love me back or leave me alone''. I remember my phones (land and mobile) ringing incessantly with him trying to reach me for an explanation that I refused to accept. I remember struggling to pick up the phone. Then I remembered him saying nothing at all. I remember the words ''I can't (commit). And I can't explain why to you." I remember thinking it was the lamest line I ever heard and I remember thinking I must be worth nothing for him to want to give up so easily after so much. I remember being on the phone for another few hours after that and him trying desperately to remedy the pain but to no avail. I remember feeling like my heart was constricted in my throat and curling up on the floor, wrenched with raw pain. He betrayed me (again). He promised and failed (again). What was it about me that made him think it was ok to renege on sacred promises? I thought it was all about me. Why was I not worthy for him to walk away from the rubble of the past to build a future with me. Too many questions left unanswered.

He couldn't let me go. But he couldn't let go of too many things and we couldn't reach a compromise. To be fair, he couldn't keep a single promise. He promised to stay but failed. Then he promised he'll leave me alone but he kept calling after a month, every night like clockwork, almost as if that night didn't happen and we didn't agree to free each other forever. Before, I promised myself I wouldn't return but I failed and succumbed every time he came back. This time, I was determined to keep my promise to myself.

My last vestige of strength from the traumatic night was spent turning around and walking into an uncertain future. 

One of the last I heard years after that nye was a joke that was cracked implying that he was still in love with me. His retort was ''I never stopped." 

I thought I got away. I felt sorry that he was stuck and I thought I was light years ahead. I no longer wanted a life together with him. God re-shaped me and I saw that there was no way I could have had a future with him, despite our grand promises to each other. I yearned for a life-partner that had different attributes from him. But I never got away with feeling second class, from expecting to be rejected and betrayed.

 God restored but I was constantly on the look-out for rejection, my old invisible nemesis. I wondered if this man who is my husband will hurt me. I test him incessantly to see if he will walk away after seeing me for who I really am. Before our marriage, I tested him so severely but he remained. When things went wrong between us, I expected him to take off and leave. God has given me so much but that wound never fails to wreak havoc every single time doubts set in. I feel second rate and less than the best and it colored my lenses and affected how I viewed my relationships. I have forgiven from the depths of my heart but yet. I wish J told me why and what was wrong with me that he had to walk away time and again.

Today, as I peel away the layers that I've built in defense against rejection, no tears ran. I saw the need and I ran straight to God asking Him to reach past the layers no one else can reach and remove the woundedness and heal. I no longer love J romantically or share the desires of the old me or in anyway yearn for him but yet I carry the souvenir of rejection from the relationship. It has attached itself to me and fused into my soul and I cannot rid it. It controls me whether I like it or not and shortchanges me of joy and fulfillment. 


What I do yearn is for him to tell the then-me why and not lie. What I yearn is indications that might suggest that there wasn't something inherently so detestable in me that he had to abort the future that we planned in one night. 

I don't know how long it will take or how much more I have to endure. I only pray for concerted effort to never stop hoping that God will and can undo this and I don't have to live like a second class citizen in my own world. I can enjoy the love and adoration my husband has for me and not doubt his intentions. I can accept people into my heart freely like I used to. I can stop incarcerating myself and walk into the plains of freedom to who I was made to be and learn that while I cannot please everybody, God has given me my portion of people to love me. Like the wound healing in my mouth, when the stitches are removed on feb 8, I will be free to eat, to not be inhibited. 

I so look forward to having my stitches removed.

Maybe it's time

Some two weeks back, God told me i my private time with Him that He would revisit places of trauma with me and rebuild the ruins of the past.

Two days ago, out of the blue, I was brought back to a point in history to learn about startling revelations. I feared when I knew that I was approaching 'danger zone' but because I knew that God ordained that moment and it was necessary and He was absolutely going through with me, I went ahead. The emotions that came with it were a whirlpool of deep relief and sorrow. I felt torrents of tears surge up and yet, there was such an unspeakable joy and peace that made me want to laugh through the tears. 

I finally understood the reason behind ''I can't tell you why''. I finally understood why. That day, two people were set free. From a misunderstanding of a decade, from guilt through forgiveness. 

I am so blessed and I don't deserve such love. 

Thank you. 

Mayday - (我不願讓你一個人) Wo Bu Yuan Rang Ni Yi Ge Ren

Praise

To the valley for my soul
Thy great descent has made me whole
Your word my heart has welcomed home
Now peace like water ever flows

Peace

Something beautiful did die

Excuse me while I mourn. Belatedly.

I won't take too long I hope.