Sunday, August 24, 2008

there will be no eternal sunshine if your mind is spotless

it's rainy, cold and isaac is somewhere in taiwan so i'm wistful.

the weekend has been surprisingly great. i didn't shed buckets of tears because he is so far away. company of friends helped alot to ease the ache of previous week and gear me up for the week ahead.

as an avid fan of criminal minds (among many other FBI dramas), dr reid's eidetic memory really strike a chord in me. because while i can't read 20000 words per minute, i too can (or maybe could) remember scenes to the details, strings of numbers which makes no sense to me and lines of words. that was how i got through school many times because i was a lazy student. i may not always understand but i remembered and fairly quickly too. so this can be a boon and a bane.

i used to think it normal, until i realized that many are afflicted with various types of memory loss. once, when i thought i lost a camera and was lamenting about it, my good friend quipped " it's no big deal, you should thank God you have that memory and can store everything in your head so you don't need a camera'.

not many pple know about this. except those who hang out/work with me on a regular basis. ex colleagues marvelled at how i can look at a floor plan of the entire shopping centre and remember the size of each shop, the per square footage and the unit number. and i just marvelled at how they couldn't.

so when my hippocampus (the part of your brain that processes learning and memory) went on auto erase some years ago (i later on found out it was a side effect to a condition/medication), i myself was startled that i could clean forget things. it's like God purposefully throwing my sins into the sea of forgetfulness. it was just something i couldn't retrieve and because i didn't know what i couldn't retrieve, iw as blissfully safe. a few years of my life was just erased like that, like i never lived during those years.

thankfully, now, when the memories do come back, the poison attached to the memory was removed and i can recount and recollect without anguish (not much). and for the lack of a better word, i do take 'pleasure' that i have lived through the days i did, fell down and got better and stronger.

people do all sorts of things to repress painful memories and that is why drugs and alcohol are so prevalent. memory is so dangerous because if not treated carefully and stored properly, it can be potentially dangerous. people are trapped in pain and relationships are indeterminately strained. it breeds regret, bitterness and a helplessness at being unable to return to the moment and do it all differently.

there is no respite from the tormet as the reel replays endlessly in your mind in vivid images. not till it is surrendered at the cross to the Lord. then can your memory be healed and your life restored.

i wonder how He remembers the cross himself. on the way to the cross, He remembered 'the joy set before Him' which is our salvation. On the cross, He was still remembering us pleading for forgiveness because we 'know not what we do'.It was a lot less about Judas' betrayal (no doubt He mourned the loss), peter's denial, the scoffers and the scorn but the eternal redemption of our souls.

poser

i just realized that my church (and even on a tinier level, caregroup) has a lot of people from/going to cambridge.

i'm surrounded by so many smart ppl lah!

so i devised with a fellow non cambridger, a 'ruse'. next time when someone asks where i'm from, if i say 'kent ridge' under my breath really quickly and mumble, it can almost be mistaken for cambridge.

so proud of myself that i almost sniggered. only to meet with the 'err, xinyinggggg' glare. you know those glares you all randomly shoot me. somehow all my friends have that glare.

i may not be from cambridge. but i'm also smart!

N*S, don't be sad. it's not that i'm ashamed of you. i'm also glad to be part of your alumni. somewhat.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

epiphany

i've been an insommiac for nearly 3 nights already. and it's a real pain. life has been threatening to burn me out and i really don't know how to cope. i keep thinking that as long as i soldier on and grit my teeth to december,it'll be ok. but i just don't have the stamina and grace for it.

once again, i overloaded my plate and need some deliverance and assistance. i made myself miserable when i could be smelling the roses and dancing with Jesus. i could be enjoying wedding prep instead of finding it a chore. i could be taking my time sorting out color schemes for the new home instead of asking the interior designer to 'just do whatever you like lah, i trust you'. i've been so flippant about a once in a lifetime affair and i think this is just not right.

this is not how i would want my marriage to be. i put in 200% for work because i just can't stand not having things well done. i have very little tolerance for shortfalls and it irks me to no end that my expectations (which i thought were very basic) can't bemet.

that might be ok but it's not the point. the point is, my marriage comes first and is on the top of the priority list. my relationship with isaac and isaac himself triumphs over all the other responsibilities.

between 9-6pm, i will work. after that, i will switch off work mode no matter how much i would like to dwell on a certain subject matter. it's also hard because from 9-6pm, i'm paid to work. but from 6pm onwards is when i pay myself to work (i have 2 jobs). but that will take the back burner for now, although i feel terribly guilty to my supplier and limit myself to 2 days a week of late nights.

next year will be the first year of our marriage. as we sort out and try to get used living with each other and various idiosyncracies, i also want to take more time out to prepare home cooked meals. i want to be able to finish the laundry so he will have nice pressed shirts for work.

i also want to finally be able to go on holidays with him. there are alot of friday/thursday public hols next year and we shd utilize them for short/long getaways. especially since his company is so generous with leave.

with the help of some friends and family, i've got it all sorted out. of coz, their advice would have fallen on deaf ears if i didn't pray it through.

but yesterday, throughout the course of the day, i received multiple confirmations pertaining to their common advice. there is truly safety in the multitude of counsellors. some of the messages were so strong i couldn't hide.

so i think now i know what to do. despite the fear. despite the inhibitions.

He is so good, so loving, so real.

Friday, August 22, 2008

forlorn

following the previous post..

it's really quite unfair that i get to travel to all these places when isaac doesn't. tomorrow, he gets to go to taiwan for a short holiday and i hope he has a lot of fun, albeit without me.

knowing me, i would be a sobbing mess. so, if you want to , please donate a kleenex. i just don't cope so well when we're apart.

i appreciate and am grateful that i have trotted around to many places in the world where many others have not been and to some other places, on a more regular basis. i cherish the opportunity to learn, take in sights and be exposed to different cultures (and food)etc.

years ago, beneath a starry sky in melbourne, i thought to myself that all these meansnothing if i don't have anyone to share it with, to take in all these with. these sights and wonders, need to be shared. i can't do much except capture photos. for me especially, it's terribly hard to be apart. i'm usually a sobbing mess before heading into departure lounge and the grief only slightly alleviates when i am distracted by duty free shopping.

we could be going on holidays together. doing all these together (especially after we started working and had more financial freedom then poor student days). but 2 decisions we made didn't allow us to.

1) we will not stay in the same room until we're married. as we never got around to finding out couple friends who would holiday with us, and our single friends didn't feel too comfortable...no holiday.

2) we decided to get married. 2-3 years into working. so it meant every dispensable cent went into wedding/house fund.

i'm glad we will soon be able to share a room. and even if it means we can't go to many exotic places, it'll still be ok. more than ok. i'll still be so happy and blessed. as long as we're together.

i miss him so much already.

Frivolous

Paris

attractions:check out moulin rouge, champ elysee (which can't pronounce), eiffel tower
food: i think i'm going to starve. hate french food. hate bread.
shopping: fashion capital is not going on discount anytime soon. so out.

Cologne:
attractions: some chocolate factory. others say nil
food: i think i'm going to starve too. hate sausages.
shopping: land of birkenstocks

Amsterdam:
attractions: err
food: err
shopping: ??

Stockholm:
attractions: h&m
food: meatballs . i think i'll recover mildly from starvation
shopping: h&m. i can't buy a bed back from ikea.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

updates.

the part 2 of the brother saga was:

on the same day, later in the evening, my brother took the initiative to call the guy in trouble up. and he took the initiative to extend forgiveness. there's a lot that can't be revealed here but his little gesture saved the poor tormented soul from a lot of err..torment.

the next day, he even went to intercede with the principal for the guy in trouble and saved him from expulsion. through this, he also took the chance to share the gospel with the guy in trouble and introduce him to Jesus who can walk him through all these.

so i'm very proud of my 14 year old brother and will excuse his other brattiness for the week.

**
me: i feel fat
him: then there's just more of you to love lor.

**
me: i feel fat
sx: you're not fat lah, you're just flabby.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

enroute clementi-aljunied, aljunied-clementi

The violin
An instrument of melancholy
Producing tunes so heavy
They drown me

Im drunk in its lullabies
Unable to rouse from slumber
Resonating with my soul's cries
The violin continues
To wail pain that otherwise cant be expressed

**

Why is it

that after so many battles fought

between your fierce will and the meekness of your soul

It still hurts

And the exchanges are still so curt

Why is it

that after so many years

There’s still a gaping wound

Overflowing with unfound fears

Why is it

That it turned out the way it did

The end was so tragic

When the start was most romantic

Why is it

that after so much

You won’t let go

Of your emotional crutch

And you don’t move on

After he’s long gone

Are you not tired?

of this repeatitive rhapsody

It’s unfeeling cruelty and sordid mess

there’s nothing there for a princess

the harsh lash of words

run like a broken record

The cutting words haunt you down

Like a drawn sword

It’ll never return

the past will never disarm itself.

it has sworn enmity against you

to steal your future

the hurt can’t be undone

but the healing can begin

There are answers

Too many of them

To each 'why' you asked

Job asked why 181 times

God didn’t answer him once

He just made his end sweeter

And restored double

Let’s stop figuring why

And settle for ‘it’s not meant to be’

there's no treasure in the past
so lets be curious about the future
and see where blessings lay hidden
just turn your back on them all
and surf the waves again

never mind 'if the sun should refuse to rise'
or 'the moon doesn't hang in the night'
the tides WILL change
seasons do rearrange
98 degrees has come and gone
come on
move on.

Flashes

A friend once remarked that i was 'extremely unromantic'. We saw a gorgeous necklace costing 50k and i remarked that i'd rather buy a car than buy that. (back then i wasn't wedding planning crazily. now the money wld go to the house. forget car)

Contrary to popular belief by those who know me shallowly, i really dun care for these things. Perhaps its in this area im misunderstood, among many others.

Eg: One ex suitor once sent me a message, ' if i bought you ---- ,u'd probably go out for dinner with me, if i gave u ____ u'd probably date me. But if i gave u my heart, u'd just think im cheap.'

(you know me best when u can rightly guess what i'll do with money.)

I also wanto be known for who i really am. And to be loved as imperfect as i am and not only be accepted when im perfected. Its terribly lonely without such 'soulmates' .And ive lost friends who can read me like a book and know me for what i truly am and anticipate my responses in every situation. Ive mourned the loss and theres yet to be restoration.

i cant say its ok or that i dont ache when i remember. Coz every friend is a irreplaceable gem to me.

**

today at approx 4pm, i thought i heard a voice that said 'go home'. I ignored it as it made no sense and i was happy today i had more 'free time" in the office to work on admin matters instead of being tied down by meetings.

Then i found out that while i was crunching orders for baby carriers, my brother was lying in Nuh as he was beaten up by a fellow classmate. This is not the first time the classmate has displayed unprovoked aggressiveness and this might be the final straw that may lend him in serious trouble with the law or have severe consequences in his future.

Noting that, my brother told his teacher that he has already forgiven his assailant and does not want to pursue this further. Im not sure if this is the wisest course of action as it might jeopardize others' safety. But what struck me is that the little brother i thought no more than bratty and spoilt could in his reduced state be putting others before himself, displaying compassion that i know can only come from His redeemed nature.

The brother shd be ok now but i pray that somehow god presides over this matter and not let my brother's blows go to waste. That somehow, this boy gets a taste of forgiveness and Jesus. That good will come out from this matter.

I hurt and ache for my little brother and my first natural action is to beat him up and a 1000 punitive measures conjred in my head as i rushed out of the office.

But deep down i think i know that He has a better plan hereafter and even this situation can be a platform for his glory to take off.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

national day celebrations

friends are coming over next saturday.

and i'm supposed to cook. it went something like this :

them: "eh dinner how? you cook ah"
me: if you dare to eat i dare to cook
Paul: Ok set!

me (semi regretting and mind racing): ok spaghetti is ok.

5 minutes later.

them: ok ah, so spaghetti ah
me: well, if it doesnt turn out the way i expected it to, then it might be bei jing la mien (hand made noodles)
paul: so its a surprise?!
me: yah. up to your own interpretation. might be fusion also.
roy: it could be spaghetti (i nod), la mien (nod) or ...mamee (?!?!)!

beauty

we all want beauty that can be seen. beauty that will possibly provoke envy, beauty that can turn heads. we want to look like a dream when we twirl in dresses.

but how about a beauty that can be felt? a beauty that may not turn heads but may turn the prodigals back home. a beauty that exudes goodness and evokes repentance. this might be way more accessible and far more eternal that the seen, which is all but temporary.

than we can skip the fad diets and live with our fat arms.

**
it may be hard for me to ever truly receive a compliment because i tend to brush it aside and let it fly over my head. i cannot ingest it fully and humbly receive because i doubt its authenticity at times. i'd also rather deny it because it is just so hard to believe because a false image of self is so well entrenched despite being taught well.

so thank God for isaac's one liner out of the blue today that reached so far down into an aching place i forgot existed. it's a dungeon for the soul.

"you don't have to be perfect to be loved'.

so there, with my failings and all, he is still around. Jesus really loves me through this man and demonstrates His everlasting mercies and kindness towards me through this vessel.

thank you.