Thursday, June 26, 2014

Multi tasking

I have learnt to shop on my iPad while barfing into toilet bowl. 


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Most exciting

I felt my first kick from baby!!!! 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Best day of my life

That was yesterday. 

I'm still beaming with joy at the thought of it. 

I was so excited going to the Gynae for the gender scan and prayed that the baby would be cooperative. 

Lo and behold, he opened his legs and lifted his hands on cue to show us his manhood. It was the most amazing moment of my life. 

I know we are wayy early but we have settled his name and all. He just has no clothes yet. 

I preferred a boy but now, while I'm excited that it is a boy, I'm just so glad he is healthy and alive. The names I chose for a girl speak of what I hope for in a daughter but the names we are going with for my son are from God even before I realized I was pregnant. My joy, my pride. His word came to pass!! 

I just want the best for the kiddo and cannot wait to meet him!  

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Confession

Pregnancy unleashes more than hormones and morning sickness.

It unleashes unsolicited advice from all sorts of people. Anyone feels entitled to give you advice, well-meaning or not. They come from all walks of life, whether they had a kid 60 years ago, yesterday or never had a kid OR worse, is a man, they will want to give you advice.

I've been so tempted to scream them silent but so far, I've held myself back. Amazing grace, I say.

The two people I dread most are my mum and mother-in-law. They don't understand boundaries, thresholds and threaten my fragile sanity at times even when I'm deeply depressed.

I've had a rocky relationship with them for the most of my life and this pregnancy is making it worse. I appreciate the concern although they are severely gender biased towards males and I worry that I'll be made to feel less than a person if the baby was a girl. I've been gifted with bagfuls of boys' clothes when the gender is not even revealed. My mum is slightly more discreet but pregnancy has made me rethink and rock further the relationship between me and my parents.

**
I've got issues and I admit it. I came from a less than stellar family and hold deep emotional baggages from the past. I still struggle with nightmares and flashbacks and their hauntings lead to a downward spiral of emotions. It has been years and I wonder if I'll ever be free.

Ironically, instead of making me appreciate my parents for their idiosyncrasies and their warped concern, I have taken to deeply resenting them instead because all these are overshadowed by abuses and neglect of the past. I remember a time when I was severely sick with pneumonia but no one noticed. I was raised by a maid and by the time I was sent to hospital, I had already fainted and vaguely remember the doctor berating my mum harshly. She did absolutely nothing for whatever reason and I was always brought up to believe that I was not worth any attention or feel unloved.

I worry because I am scared I'll grow into their likeness and struggle to obey the commandment to forgive. It is so hard. Many have said to go ahead and just make the choice but somedays, I feel like I'd rather die than forgive them.

I've contemplated cutting them completely out of my life but in moments of weakness, I let them in only to be disappointed all over again. They threaten my fragile state of sanity and of course, happiness. I secretly yearn to be as far and as independent of them as possible. I have mulled over the fact that perhaps, I might regret it one day when they bid their final farewells but on the other hand, I also wonder if that will bring closure. When your abuser, both physical and with neglect passes on, shouldn't that bring relief instead?

My uncles and aunties were victims of terrible physical abuse and they are still scarred well into their 60s. It is evident in everything they do and every facet of their behavior. I fear the curse continued and want to break it but I don't know how. I feel terribly orphaned even as a thirty year old and I know that has adversely affected my relationship with God.

I want a way out but don't know how. The child is but a distraction and I know that somehow, someday, these will be back to haunt me and I will have to face them head on.


Coming right up.. the gender scan!!!

I've told my friends that if I could, I'll live to have a scan machine so I can see my baby ALL THE TIME.

I cannot wait to see the baby again this saturday when my gynae appointment happens. I cannot wait!! I am so excited I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week. This is worse than waiting for an episode of my favourite TV shows coz this only gets aired once a month.

This week, we're going to (hopefully) find out the baby's gender. Baby hopefully cooperates and flashes at the camera. I'm also looking forward to feeling the baby's first kicks and am a little disappointed that I've yet to feel them. I think I've felt them but honestly, 16 weeks is a bit early for a first child and I think it was really just gas. The husband felt it too and I doubt a kid that young can give such a mighty kick.

Such is pregnancy. You suffer, get excited, forget and tadah! The kid is born!

In other news, I still puke from time to time but other than that, I am getting the hang of things and starting to accept that unsolicited advice will come. I still have plenty of issues to deal with and gripe about (if I choose to) but the joy of expecting the baby far surpasses everything.

I also have a nagging feeling the baby will look mostly like its father because I've been super adoring my husband. I look at him sleep and think to myself..." oh, this is what baby will look like" and marvel at how sweet he is. Of course, it is a different story when he wakes up which I suppose will be quite similar to how I'll feel if baby screams my head off.

We'll see!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

15 weeks

Every wed, when the baby turns a week old, it seems to commemorate by making me violently puke some time close to midnight. 


Sunday, June 01, 2014

pre natal depression

There's a huge dark cloud shrouding my mind and all I know is that I'm trapped and I'm alone.

My family has made themselves deaf to my pleas and cries for help because it goes against the anything-bad-can-happen-to-a-christian belief. Therefore, I must be really lacking in faith and am feeling like a complete outcast.

When my mum was down, I took her in no questions asked. I cared for her even though she was largely absent in my childhood and was the least favoured kid. This is how she repays me. That's why God already made the provision such that "when your father or mother forsakes you", He promises to take you in..

Yet, I don't feel very taken in. My husband has rendered zero emotional support and kept asking me techinical questions like why , what's the trigger etc?

I don't know these answers except that I seem to be the trigger. And I'm pulling the trigger soon if respite doesn't come.

I want to run away with baby until none of them finds me. Because while I was here calling in my loudest voice through every possible medium for help, I was cruelly ignored.

My heart was breaking with every cold shoulder I get but it persisted. Now, for the sake of the baby, I have realised I cannot give it grandparents who never learnt to be parents in the first place. I have to start afresh, with the little I've got and move on.

Now, I'm just trying to gather strength like dust from the floor so that I can stand up again and face the odds stacked against me. So that I don't get so confused I think dying is the better solution.