Friday, December 16, 2005

at the end of the line, this is what i discover

i feel so utterly discouraged sometimes i don't even want to wake up.

i think the despair crept in this week and i allowed it to invade with little or any resistance. i could hold the fort no longer and i just allowed my defences to crumble. the pressure is so intense at time i literally caved in. doubts, questions reeled endlessly in my mind and i lost sight of who He is, whose i am and my eternal promises sealed by the blood of Jesus with a covenant that cannot fail.

i need yet another miracle. soon. because patience and time failed me.

surrounded by so many lies but the one who CANNOT lie lives in me. (heb 6) thats the most comforting truth i've heard thus far and i just pray i have the patience and fortitude to 'hang in there' and watch it all come to pass. i've truly lost sight of everything that i thought i was so focused on. i've been nothing but a rebellious tantrum-filled child reeling accusations against a father who refuses to defend Himself.

and yet He waits, for me to tire out to be completely worn out from those hissy fits. and then i hear his endless whispers of comfort to my frazzled soul. i resist them yet again. because i'm still angry. because i'm still trapped in these circumstances that weigh so heavily on my tiny shoulders. i feel his presence overwhelm me. his endless comfort in such a tangible palpable way. yet i still doubt.

i can almost see this scenario happening in the near future even though its a scenario repeated only too often in the past. me, dissolved by goodness that i don't deserve bawling my eyes out because of this gift of mercy and grace and being utterly ashamed of myself. i oso see Him picking me up again and forgiving me. inspite of it all.

its sad but i believe its not just me. we identify His goodness only by a breakthroughs in natural circumstances such a good buy, a windfall, a promotion or anything that allows life in this world to be 'better', (by this world's lousy standards of course) its the original temptation in Eden and i believe its the devil's trump card..to make us doubt God's goodness.

the serpent had to make eve doubt if God was truly good and suggested the possibility that God might be withholding something from her. the doubt sank in deep enough in those few moments that changed the fate of mankind forever for her to partake of the forbidden fruit.

today i realise that inspite of this bleak circumstances, His goodness is and CANNOT be confined to the natural circumstances that are ever so volatile, especially in these turbulent last days. His goodness may manifest in natural circumstances but it does not stop there. It's the heart of God that is the epitome of His goodness. Its His heart towards us, His endless thoughts towards us, His love that compelled Him to send His only begotten son.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

just 22 days more.

the song that made me bawl.
the song that made me realise i need to share it with someone
the song that reminded me that i still have a blog (dusty as it is) so i can conveniently share.
the song that means so much.
the song that reminded me that i am His. His child. as orphaned as i feel sometimes

thank you so much mei ling. this must be one of the best christmas presents ever. ranking close after the gift of Jesus himself. you truly know me best.

john 14:18 "I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you."

All I really want
well, I don't really know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green glannel shirt
you may not have seen me, i was standing off alone

I didn't come and talk to you cause that's never worked before
and youll probably never see this letter, anyway
but just in case there's something you can do to help me out
i'll ask you one more time

all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
a shoulder to cry on if i lose, shoulders to ride on if i win
there's so much i could ask for, but there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas, is a family

well, i guess i should go ahead and tell you now
if it's really true about the list you have
somehow i always seem to end up in a fight
but i'm really trying hard not to be bad

but maybe if i had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
maybe they could teach me how to get along
and from everything i've heard it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
would be a mom

all i really want for christmas is someone who'll be here
to sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
and it's ok if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
that's all right cause so am i

well i guess i should go, its almost time for bed
and maybe next time i write you i'll be at home
cause all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
tell me i'll never be alone, someone who's love will never end
of all that i could ask for, well, there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas is a family.

-all i really want-
steven curtis chapman

visit www.ShaoeyandDot.com to win an autographed copy of 'A Christmas Miracle' by Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman.

visit www.howtoadopt.org because i think you should.

all that said and done, i'm still up for adoption.



Wednesday, November 23, 2005

blush

me (working working on my computer at the workplace.

(weird things start appearing on the monitor. strange colors popping out from nowhere at all)

me (panics)

me (runs to the IT dept and looks for IT manager)

me: j!(IT manager) come help!my computer is sick! strange colors are coming out on my screen!

IT manager and me rush back to my desk.

IT manager sits down, reaches for the mouse.

me (anxious): so how??!?!

IT manager: excuse me, this is your screen saver hor.

me: .....

Sunday, November 20, 2005

matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live free and lightly"

Saturday, November 19, 2005

after a beautiful sat morning session with Jesus, this is what i gather..

i will never let my heart be broken again over broken promises of some human being. including myself.

its not a startling new revelation but sometimes it requires some reminder. please don't wonder ' what did isaac do now?". hez been more than wonderful and i think i do more of the disappointing but looking at him, sometimes, i think hez truly the one with the heart and mind in the right place while i try to be omniscient too much ( i take after my Father) and have my heart and mind in every place under the sun.

somehow it seems that even after the worse of me, hez not surprised. on one hand, i'm glad he didn't have any grand illusions of what a wonderful perfect angel I am. on the other hand, i'm like...."BAH!!!its nice to be worshipped". no he darzen takeme for granted, (At least not now) but sometimes i wished people would see me and be impressed but of coz its just my puffy wishfulthinking coz i of all people know and know that nothing good dwells inside and outside me apart from the Holy Spirit.

i like the fact that i can feel so accepted with isaac no matter what and i think its the closest feeling that mirrors how i feel with God. i didn't get that with my family but i'm glad God more than provided with my future family. that no matter how low i sink, no matter what, i'm accepted not because i'm ME but because HE IS GOD. i'm so thankful for a man whose heart is so full of the Spirit that he can not see me in the natural, empty and decrepit but he had the spiritual insight to see what dwells within this plain empty vessel.

i feel so heartened to know that. i really do and these words don't do my sentiments justice. today i woke up early and sat down before God wondering and asking why am i still so self centered selfish and unchanged. please don't answer that question on His behalf. truly His goodness draws me to repentance and His spirit gives me the very ability to be all that i was ever created and redeemed to be.

isaac is not perfect and neither is our relationship. no chance abt seeing him as God so don't worry. we've faced severe disappointments before on our individual part thanks to each other and i don't think we're that stupid to put our hearts on the line but placing our expectations on each other. hmm...i STILL REMEMBER THE TIME HE PROMISED ME TO EAT (i can't remember what) WITH ME but we ended up not going because HE WAS TIRED.

ok pettiness go.

***

that aside, i did have a startling revelation before i fell asleep last night. i realised that the first time i really had a deep conversation with isaac was outside the toilet of our ex cg leader after cg. we were both queing and although i was quite urgent ( dunno abt him) i kinda wish the person inside will takelonger so that i can talk more to him before we have to go join the rest of the grp again.

den when he asked me to be his gf (ok hedin actually ask..but thats another story altogether) it was also outside the toilet!! not very romantic i know but ok u see the pattern! God has a weird sense of humour. and i obviously take after Him.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.


Thats exactly how i've been feeling and although i feel slightly (ok alot actually) hard pressed, His constant encouragement keeps me buoyant and above the situation. and i am so grateful.

its been awesome in the sense that though situations and circumstances aren't all too favorable, i've knowing and seeing His heart for me better and somehow, while the outside can sometimes be so heartwrenching and tumultuous, i can still relish the sweet comfort of His presence in my life.

my journey with Him issnt perfect and i know that He wants more of me. much much more than my hunger of Him. sometimes i find it appalling that i make Him wait (albeit patiently) for me to spend time at His feet when i'm one who absolutely hates waiting. patience has yet to take fruit in my spirit and i can totally understand the pain of waiting. i'm known to walk off and disappear and not to return after just 15 minutes and God knows how long He waited for me in the day just to take notice or pay attention to Him. He must have waited ages just to say ' i love you'.

***

had lunch with adelene today and i was hoping to see belle too. i missed them both so so much. these two girls have been with me since i was like 9 and have seen me through so much of my life. i was so sorry to realise that i havent been around for them as much as i ought to.

girls, i'm so sorry. love you so very much. pls just call!

met jon and eunice later on in town. both are back on holiday and eunice was a complete surprise. not that she wazznt welcomed of coz. these two are two other people whom i absolutely love and were responsible for bringing so much sunshine and laughter into my life. we had so much fun and i'm so comforted to know that this aspect totally din change. i love them so much. eventhough i was a tad bit taciturn as i was so so tired. but i had good fun just hanging out and getting endless updates on the who's doing what since ive been so out of the loop

den after that wat happened was just so divinely bizarre. met my jc teachers who brought us to meet our principal whom they're gg to have a farewell tea with as hez leaving the college. den we talked and laughed and even ended up taking a picture together (above). i miss them so much.

ok i typed alot here but blogger at it all up.

just wanted to say how much i miss and cherish these people. timezones, physical distances and even hectic schedules might stand in the way of these beautiful friendships but i just pray that we will never betoo busy to just spare a moment now and then to remember each other and say a prayer. coz soemtimes thats all it takes to keep the friendship going.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

lamb in lion's clothing.

too many moments,

i felt like Gideon before going to war.
i felt like Moses after a looong time in the desert.
i felt like Joshua trying to step into Moses' shoes.

scared.

sometimes fear looks me into the face and i just look away in erm..fear. i cower and i even attempt to hide. unfortunately or fortunately, i can never escape and it finds me. but praise be to God, somehow Hez always there. and inspite of the fear, inspite of shaking like a leaf onthe inside and outside, inspite of having m y heart in my mouth, somehow...i make it.

i can't describe how terrifying the feeling really is. how i actually lose sleep hwo i actually sweat buckets, cry out of sheer helplessness and even nearly pass out out of sheer fear. its amazing how i allow a defeated spirit to defeat me sometimes when the spirit within me is so much more victorious and powerful.

its unfathomable but through it all, its yet another journey of seeing His faithfulness. really. im at a point in my life whereby i'm actually appreciating difficulty and trials..because i know with each time, i know God better, i know HIs love for me more intimately and i come out stronger. i'm a different woman each time i emerge.

the day is fast approaching and i earnestly await whereby nothing fazes me. and when the spirit of fear fears me. when perfect love truly casts out all fear. when the shalom of God baptizes my soul and rids it of every trace of doubt and worry.

good riddance.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

backtrack..the other things i found in my drawer


i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch

neoprints

sorry about the fuzzy picture. i just dinno how to use MY camera. love the pic on top row, 2nd from left.

its funny how i always find something else when i am actually looking for something else.

things like that only happen to people with messy rooms.

was ransacking my room and drawers looking for a card and i found a whole packet of neoprints from a time long long ago. and i was going thru them one by one...its amazing hwo the colors are still so good.

i found myself laughing out loud over almost everything and sighing intermittently...i found the 'me' that i used to be all over again. the giggly giggly AND giggly me. i WAS such a comic and it was so clear in the neoprints. unlike now, i'm all sophisticated and serious. =)

my favorite neoprint friends were winnie, adelene, mei ling and cali. God knows how much we spent on those machinesthat just go 'haik chee zee' every 2 seconds. God knows why we did what we did and found it addictive. maybe we secretly allt hink we look good lah and we din have hp cameras or digi cams to tote around. afterall, it was THAT long ago. and honestly, i think we looked fantabulous. it was picture after picture of joy and craziness (the good kind) and fun and laughter. no make up, no fancy clothes, just us and our uniforms and genuine smiles.

maybe we should recreate those moments again someday.

btw, my favorite neoprint (as of today) is the one with mei ling and cali..but only my face can be seen. haha.blame it on the small screens...i was trying to pose as a cow and in that few seconds, unknowingly blocked out cali's face.mei ling escaped though. just by an inch. oops. not because of my fat cheeks ....i don't remember them being very happy about that shot.(above)

Friday, October 28, 2005

she is back!!!

this is going to be a long post...

i know so because 1) i havent blogged since so long ago 2) so much has happened!!

yesterday i had a meeting with my director. for the unintiated, i've been holding the little fort (literally) on my own for awhile since my trainer left and its been daunting, crazy, confusing all at the same time. at least for the first few days but things are MUCH better now. although i still encounter technical difficulties here and there and in general...difficulty everywhere.

anyway, back to the meeting. i never thought it'd happen coz she seemed so busy and i din think i was important enough. yes, just the two of us forthe meeting coz i was supposed to tell her whether i wanted to continue working with her. yes, and that called for a meeting. in the nice meeting room.

anyway, really really, back to the meeting. i was so touched halfway through i was trying to hold back my tears because i realised how awesome how awesome God has been to me and caught a slight glimpse of His favor upon my life. and nothing i've earned or done to deserve it really...infact, i din even mention it once in confessions or whatever, i wondered if i even truly believed it. however, of late, especially during the last two weeks beforei entered the job, i've been enjoying a more intimate walk with God and gosh, i just pray our relationship deepens so much i can't tell the difference between me and Him.

found out in the meeting that i was selected out of 100 over applicants even though i was the least qualified in every true sense of the word. infact, the management was really apprehensive about hiring me because i had ZERO experience, an irrelevant degree and i appeared so nervous and mousey. but this director (praise God for her) decided on me simply because, (in her own words) that she really liked me. it wazznt an official criteria to hire someone on most HR policies but fortunately,its the general hidden invisible guiding principle of almost every employer. that's where my Father works His power, directing the heart of kings. there and then, i was so overwhelmed by God's love that He chose simple empty me to shower so much favor upon..so much so that my director had to insist to hire me and offer me a chance to learn in this big world. most were supposed to go thru three interviews but i ended upwith only two...in the words of my boss if i may quote her "you entered via the backdoor and got the job"

of coz, i didn't know these things until yesterday.

i am really just me but He is really awesome. i cannot boast about anything because i know the pit from which i was dug from. and i saw what He did inspite of my apparent lack. i wanto be so empty that Jesus will be all i carry on the inside of me. i want that more than ever these days and i'm sure its not just because of the tremendous amount of favour and grace i've experienced in the work place.

some days i just have the impulse to run off to the toilet and cry (except that i have no time to) because i feel so stupid and helpless in a position which is above what i can do in the natural but His sweet comfort was there to wrap me up and bind up the little self-inflicted wounds on my self esteem. His arms were there to hold and embrace me when i am so down and weary i felt like i was falling into an abyss. no matter what, where i go, Hez there and His presence has never been so tangible i'm almost sure people around me felt it.

i might never ever have enough time when the activities of life consume my time and leave me with so little but my prayer is that i'll never not have enough time to spend at His feet and testify of His goodness that dissolves me into sheer nothingness. even in this little space, i hope someone was encouraged. because i've been discouraged only too often to know how horrid that feels. because i've felt forgotten and believed the lie that i'm nobody to everybody only to realise the truth in shame that i'm somebody to God.

thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and most of all the love. a lot of what I am today is crafted by your prayers. and i wanto return the favour...allow me to pray for you. just drop me a msg to let me know.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

philippians 4:6-7 (the message)

" don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life"

Sunday, October 16, 2005

lesson two and day one.

lesson two today was super tiring but went by just as fast. i wazznt good with my turns so the instructor made me do nothing but turns. but this time in the heavy heavy rain. i was so cold and wet and his slow drawl din help. i really wanted to be home sleeping.

driving really takes so much out of me. time money energy...i feel so exhausted after a 100 minute session and it darzen help at all that my speed is like barely past 0 km/hr.

had theory lessons with jo that day and it was just as boring. i felt my heading finding its way to just rest on the table and it took alot of dicipline just to sit upright. it felt like being in jc coz jo and i were always down on the table sleeping ever so often. and she sat right beside me back then too. now, many (many) mths later(12x4 or is it 12x5?), we're back where we were. i think its quite divine. its either we're meant to fall asleep in classes together or the sleeping anointing is extra strong when we're both around. ah well...

ramble ramble.

first day of work tmr and i'm pretty excited. i can't imagine how excited my father God must be as his daughter prepares to march into a big adult world. i'll hide behind the shepherd as he clears the way. i really need so much grace and i so know where i stand as i'm the least qualified.(or so my employers tell me but oh well, Jesus is my qualification for heaven so this shd not be a prob at all). im excited for HIs grace to be actualised in my life if the position is from Him. its a one mth strict probation thingy so things will only be finalised after this mth. so pls remember me in your prayers....

i guess its only when you are asked to do things you have no inkling about and inexperienced with that God can truly come in full force coz u're as helpless as a lamb. it will so totally be the case for me tmr. i have 1.5 days of orientation before i'm required to learn everything in a mth and perform like a pro (somewhat). and may the blood of the lamb cover my blurness and tracks. shield me with mercy and favor and guide and lead me every single step of the way and anoint my tongue and grant me wisdom liberally.

phew.

my adventures.

i hate the thoughts of unease and stress that are assaulting my mind right now.i want them to go away and let the peace of God flood in so i can sleep.its sunday and i have to wake up early for church and i have driving (lesson TWO) after that.i need my sleep.

go away thoughts go away.

i think too much. i worry to much...in advance. and i'm trying to grapple with the inability to be at rest in my heart and soul.

had quite an eventful saturday. because i had my first practical driving lesson.

the instructor din think much of me and my driving potential anytime soon and i don't blame him. i somehow couldn't brake/accelerate gently enough and resulting in alot of shocks and jerking forwards. his blood pressure shot up and down and i found myself apologizing profusely ever so often. i was screaming alot in the car also out of sheer anxiety and panic. i cannot turn properly even after 1000 tries. i made him laugh so hard he was almost in tears.

i ask questions like "WHY IS THE CAR NOT MOVING?!?!" only to receive this reply..." BECAUSE YOU"RE STEPPING ON THE BRAKE!!"

and "AHHH WHY IS THE CAR GOING SO FAST!?" only to hear him say (with much exasperation), " hello, you're at 30km/hr lor".

he had one hand holding on to the handle above his seat and the other ON MY steering wheel helping me steer as i try to steer. each time i shriek, he jumps.

pray for me pls. i so do not have the courage to hit the roads. but i don't wanto spend forever in the circuit.

Monday, October 10, 2005

nuff said.

you become clear, as i disappear.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

saturday

isaac and i went shopping at tecman today and chalked up more than a hundred bux of purchases. after discount.after alot of restrain.

went over to mei ling's place last night to watch cold case because she taped it for me last week when i went for wedding. after the show i sorta joined her for dinner. i refused initially den later helped myself to half a bowl of rice. but i din go beyond that!otherwise the rest of hte family will have nothing to eat....

and i'm still thinking abt the tomato chicken and fish. today.

Friday, October 07, 2005

in a nutshell

My computer has been kinda down and its been a challenge for me especially since i always had this inherent IT phobia. yep. i abhor all things technological that don't operate as they ought to and they've managed oh so frequently (IN THE PAST) to drive me to new heights of insanity and threaten to give me more split ends. but i think as of this time, as of last night, i think that phobia is nicely buried (somewhat) in the grave.

been having a rather busy week with truckloads of overdue testimonies and thoughts that i've lost track of and hence can't record. i won't know how to begin anyways.

i finally signed up for driving and am at lesson TWO of basic theory right now. its quite a mean feat for me because i've just never really bothered and a few of my friends can attest to that. i signed up with them 3 years ago and went for a grand total of 1 lesson before donating my 150 bux registration fee to BBDC. so 3 years later, im back there. starting from scratch and this time, by the sheer grace of God granting such a miracle, i'll see it to the end. hopefully i'll get it way sooner than i expected. before my patience runs out yet again...

been wanting to be the 'useful prov 31 gf' to my dear isaac but of coz, i guess its not time for him to reap the harvest of his patient sowing yet. wanted to help him out with some housekeeping stuff now that hez living alone such as laundry so that he can concentrate on the overwhelming schwork. BUT, i arrived at his house, plonked on his bed and never woke up until it was dinner time. needless to say, he did the laundry alone and cleaned everything up alone and had toleave the room to study OUTSIDE because i was sleepin gand the lights had to be off.

sigh.

den today i turned up at BBDC 3 hrs early for my driving lesson because i got the timing wrong. ended up spending 3 hours with Jesus at westmall. but it turned out for good coz i chanced upon 1 chron 17. i am so not an old testament fan and infact, i seldom dare to venture to the unfamiliar texts there for fear that i'll scare myself too much with the cheem everything. but the Lord led me there and i nearly bawled away at westmall's burger king reading the part about God cutting a covenant with David and His goodness towards David just overwhelms me. David really echoed the sentiments of my heart when he asked God who is he that God might show him such great favor and do so so so much for him. all he wanted was to build God a house and God refused and offered to build him a house AND establish his kingdom FOREVER via his seed (Jesus Christ). ah bah.

what really struck me the most was the first few lines when david consulted nathan about building a house for the Lord and nathan told him to do as his heart says so because GOD IS WITH HIM. go figure. that really spoketo me...esp at this particular stage of my life. released me big time from somuch fear of the uncertain ..whcih is just about almost everything.

lastly (and abruptly bcoz my tv show has started), HAPPY BDAE ANNABELLE! ive known you since we were 9 and i'm so glad u're still in my life. wishing you the bestest ...=)

Saturday, October 01, 2005

remember to Whom you belong

"i am His, by Him created; I am His, by Him redeemed; I am twice His, by original right and by purchase; I am His, and He will defend me, He will correct me, He will make use of me, He will love me, He will delight in me. I am my Beloved's and no one else possesses either right or power over me, except according to His will. he is mine, and all that is mine is His. All my sin, all my weakness, all my condemnation, all my misery, all my fears, all my shortcomings, I give to Him. They are His. His strength is my strength; His righteousness is my righteousness; His wisdom, His holiness, His salvation is mine and His God is my God. His Father is my Father. His breathren my brethren. And His heaven my home. For I belong to Him, and He is mine."

Kathryn Kulman.

**
last night (early this morning rather) , i was reminded how He was my only friend, my only companion who stood by me through and through from the day i arrived on earth to the day i got saved, through those dark lonely nights with tear-soaked pillows and right through the endless days till where i am today.

Hez been faithful throughout even when i don't see His hand at work. even when i played doubting thomas, even when i forgot whose i am. even when...God there are too many 'even when's. i cried and cried remembering how He held me close as a child that even in my limited understanding, i knew God's name was Jesus and He loved me even when i thought no one else did. afterall, i was skinny, ugly, blur girl.

Jesus loved me even when i couldn't love myself. and He still does now that i'm 22. sometimes acting upon and assuming my own strength, thinking i'm all grown up only to realise i'm horribly wrong. He still corrects me as a Father does to His child and in His correction, i realise, what little i am without Him. I need Him in the big things, the small things the every single little thing. I need Him in my heartbreaks to ease the sorrow and pain. I need Him when i'm joyful because Hez the source itself. I need Him every minute. and Hez always been there. Infact He knew before i knew how much i'd need Him He left for the cross more than 2000 years ago so that He could come in to dwell in me as i walk this earth.

no one , (thankfully) can rob my deep-seated KNOW that Jesus knows me, Jesus loves me even though He knows everythign abt me and was there even before i knew Him as a 4 year old. the years do not diminish His love for me although it diminished my passion for Him as worldly affections have stolen my allegiance and attention. my child-like innocence evaporated and so did my unquestioning faith and trust in my Father. But no one can rob that relationship. because even when i rant and rave and misunderstand and get angry and utter words in anger at Him, even though it hurts and breaks His heart, i am still His and nothing can change that. He had a choice and He chose to love me.chose to see me through chose to want me. and now , i'll forever be glad that i chose Him. I have forgiveness even before i apologize .

i'm so glad He chose to give me an eternal security in the fact that He'll never leave me nor forsake me even though He knew that more often than not, i'll take Him for granted. He chose to give me security and win me over with His ways of love and not to threaten to leave as many couples have been suggested so as not to take each other for granted.i believe the way of Jesus is to give even if there is no chance of returns. afterall, what i can give Him was given BY Him in the first place. i'm glad His affections and love will never change. i'm glad that His love will change me instead.

im so glad.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

the hammer-ray boltz

no obsession with hammers.its just a coincidence

i was in the crowd the day that Jesus died
and as He hung upon the cross
His mother cried
i saw the crown of thorns He wore
and the stripes upon His back
the water and the blood ran out
and then the sky turned black
my mind was filled with anger
my heart was filled with shame
this man brought only healing
who could bring Him pain
why does it seem the strong always vitimize the weak?
and suddenly i found myself standing to my feet

"who nailed him there, this child of peace and mercy?
who nailed Him there, come and face me like a man
who nailed Him there?
and the crowd began to mock me
i cried, "oh my God, i just dont understand"
then i turned and saw the hammer in my hand"

i am just a roman soldier, an ordinary man
i love my wife and children
i do the best i can
how could i have killed Him
there must be someone else
there's got to be an answer
I just can't blame myself.

i nailed Him there, this child of peace and mercy
i nailed Him there
i am the guilty man
i nailed Him there with my sins and my transgressions
I cried
"oh my god, now i understand"
when i turned and saw the hammer in my hand

Monday, September 26, 2005

out

its been awhile since i blogged and its been (yet) another series of 'evil days' and God's awesome miracles.

i cannot really go into detail but there has been a deluge of stress and despair in my life and a whole army of angels flooding into my life to chase that despair out. i have mighty prayer warriors who stood by me and zac and praying us through the valleys and now that we're halfway up the mountain, soaring on the wings of their prayers, i just wanto offer our very heartfelt gratitude.

and we also had the soldiers of God rendering practical help. every ounce of it is so appreciated. from people completely unrelated to people who hadnt had a clue to whats been going on but happened to feel in their heart to offer help, God has shown Himself strong in His army and i'm so proud and grateful.

truly, even the valley is a terrain of joy and hope when its handed over to the Lord.and He, the covenant keeping God and father is truly faithful. even when we're so shrouded in darkness it blinds our eyes from seeing the prevailing hope and peace. im really enjoying 'body of christ' ministry very much these days especially after recent episodes which nearly saw me snapping and crumblinginto despair. i never understood how practical help could matter so much. i never understood that God enjoys using his church and body to bless each other. until now. i looked too far expecting whimsical signs and wonders from money falling from the sky to well...something just more supernatural.

but i realise the true supernatural happens within the body of christ in the most naturally natural ways. when that love touches you, you just identify it with Jesus even though its carried by a human vessel and its touched me so much and dissolved me to just a puddle of tears.

there are too many people i have to thank. i hope i din miss any out.

we praise the Lord for people like you. God is so pleased with you guys and i know i unmistakenly saw Jesus smiling and radiating in your eyes.

jon, cali, niq, mei ling, ben, ps john, auntie shirley, auntie connie, robin, bernard & joy, ivan & gerry, auntie daljit and uncle chye guan, dr lockhart, my mummy, dr teo, faith and victor,...

can i ever thank you pple enough?

Friday, September 16, 2005

because im speechless


the hammer holds-bebo norman

a shapeless piece of steel, thats all i claim to be
this hammer pound to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
i glow with fire and fury, as im twisted like a vine
my final shape, my final form i'm sure im bound to find
so dream a little, dream for me in hope that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
and the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
i have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
and the question still remains, what am i to be?
perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
the hammer pounds again, but flames i do not feel
this force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh and wood reveals
a burn that burns much deeper, its more than i can stand
the reason for my life is to take the life of a guiltless man
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and crya little, cry for me so i can bear the pain
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they , the hammer holds
this task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

lamb thoughts

"for all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you. Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom"

Luke 12:30-32

the moment of glory is now. so often, i judge by my physical eye i've lost conciousness to what is happening in the spiritual realm. i need to be attuned to the spiritual especially with regards to myself and my loved ones all over again and see through His eyes and not mine.

the physical is afterall perishable and temporary while the spiritual is eternal and oh so glorious. its only in believing that we see and i need to be there. not just for myself but for so others coz every cubit of faith amounts to much.

sometimes i stand at look at the mountain ranges wondering how i can ever get across until i realise that i can soar on His wings. i can fly so high into the clouds i wun even realise there are mountains. i believe thats wat the Father has for me. and no matter what the terrain is, i'll conquer and go on. His word does not speak in vain so let it be executed with its full power in my life then. i'm ready.

"behold, i will make you into a new threshing sledge with sharp teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and make the hills like chaff."

isaiah 41:15
***
i've been stuck at home lately due to a bad bout of i dun even noe wat illness is that but i dun care. and thanks to the all time high paranoia as a resultin the surge of dengue cases, many concerned friends have urged me to get tested for dengue. so to assuage the many once and for all, i have no dengue. i only have Jesus.

have also been reading up on kathryn kulman. i've always been intrigued by God's choice of her. not that im surprised that God uses the lowly small and well...(add whole list of humble attributes) but she is too unlikely a choice by any measure. i can't explain it and i won't bother.

she has a healing ministry so powerful so huge i can't help but wanto dig up on what exactly she knows and the amazing revelations that sparked off such a tremendous ministry. i covet her spiritual gifts...somewhat. i don't covet the great responsibility it entails but i kinda realised they go hand in hand together so while im getting ready, i'll just well....wait.

so page after page, i scour through interviews and excerpts of her preaching only to realise that she darzen noe that much at all!yes, by today's standards, the amount of revelation that the church today possesses does surpass what she knows. nothing out of the extraordinary i must say and all she really does and reiterates is her COMPLETE YIELDING to the holy spirit. her ministry has a strong emphasis on this member of the trinity and thats all!shez so concious of the ministry of the holy spirit that it pretty much engulfs and epitomizes all that kathryn kulman is/was.

sometimes, its really that simple. but issnt every man's greatest challenge a complete yielding to God and 'thrashing the flesh'? thanks to the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' that our dear adam and eve consumed, we've been unable ever since to fully trust in His best because we know too much for our own good.we wanto know as much as Him. afterall, the first temptation of the bible really can just be translated to " do u really believe God is that good eventhough He said not to eat from this tree?" or " Hez keeping something from you!aha!".

floating away thanks to the effects of the medication.
selah

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

thank God u're still here.

i've learnt over time not to talk it so hard whenever a friendship evaporates, fades into oblivion or just...in worse scenarios explode because of irreconcilable differences. this is nolonger just a term you see used to validate divorce papers.

i've gone from valuing every single person that strolls into my life to not even blinking when permanent residents (most, not all) leave. and i thought that was a good thing until i realise that i still care deeply.

but it darzen change the fact that theres nothing i can do abt the state of things. i realise i can't communicate with them because of the differences and because neither can compromise..thus is such. we just let loose and let go and well i guess these ex-friends mourn the me they used to have and i simply mourn the demise of the friendship that i've grown to even take for granted. until we realise that either conversations are awkward or that gosh..we get angry with each other all too easily. in one recent scenario, apparently one friend spent somuch time angry with me and i din even realise. well, they say ignorance is bliss....

i guess i'll just celebrate harder and cherish more the ones that God still graciously preserve for me. my heart will always have more than 2cm for these people (read previous post) and i can only hope its mutual.

one day, maybe one day i'll know what happened. because people either refuse to talk or tlak to much and refuse to listen....and because of these reasons, i'll never understand how i hurt them. and i can apologize alll i want but it'll never be enough anyway because they've revoked my citizenship in their hearts.

im way past sad. its not somethign i celebrate but i just cant bring myself to really truly mourn it. a little maybe and i wished things were different but its really not something i can have a say about.i just really wanto grab each and everyone of my precious friends tt i still have now and give them a bear hug.

and im so thankful for them. so thankful for isaac. so thankful for Jesus...that nothing can change these relationships.

my Lord accepts me and sought me out when i was down in the dumps on a one way ticket to hell. and even came to live in me just so we'll never be apart and in the process, suffer humiliation for i've too often unknowingly or wilfully shamed his name and dragged it down in the mud. i'm sorry but i cant imagine why he'd still choose to stay and not regret it. i feel sorry for those people who have judged me together with christianity, together with Jesus. i wish they'll just see Jesus and not see me. but i've got a long more way more to that and i'll be patient with myself in the meantime...

selah

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

dig your ears

boy: you'll always have a place in my heart....(mumble mumble)
girl: (incredulous) 2 cm?!?!
boy: TO THE END LAH

Monday, September 05, 2005

contemplative

i miss my friends.i mean my normal sane friends or at least the insane ones whose company i enjoy..because you make me feel sane.

haha.and those who make me feel less like a glutton because u eat more than me.or at least on par.(HELLO MEI LING!HELLO PAM!)

i miss alot of ppl..ppl that i care about. pls call me if u think i care abt u. if u call me and i dun care abt u, pls allow me to break the news to you that i don't care abt u.sorry ah. (Im really kidding!)-i wish-

***
i can't speak much abt how it really is now. sometimes i'm jubilant and floating with hope, other times, i'm weighed down by ...cares. people and etc. sometimes i just need to reorientate and focus again and hang out with people who love me. and stop trying to be everybody's superhero girl.

but im relishing my time spending time with my favourite ones...and favorite ONE. i'm really enjoying His company and love and adoration and blessings. and i know i am not one who is concious abt it consistently and every state of my life and i break his heart being otherwise...

***
alot of promises are coming to past. but theres so much more im awaiting.
***
i really like to sing, i am just not so sure if i like to be heard....
***
im really a different girl today. pls get to know me again and stop presuming assuming and incarcerating me in your little box.

***
i'm re-liking human beings. real ones.

***
my friends computer crashed while trying to update me in his address book. apparently the power of my name "scares all things electronic into submission" if i may quote him.

at present, his address book just insists i don't exist and my info is stored under a name called 'pariah'.

I say, that lousy add book deserves to crash.hmph.pariah your head!
***
when im more coherent, i'll try writing again.

***

Friday, September 02, 2005

phew

i'll remember the day as it was.

i woke up feeling slightly tired because of the severe sleep deprivation. i had worked till 10 the last night and had been up since 7 the previous morning. only got to bed at 1 am and i had to literally tumble out of bed to get to work. my last day of work...

i felt a surge of happiness in me and it gave me the impetus i needed to change and get ready. there was a skip in my step that day and i had to resist telling everyone on the bus and mrt that 'its my last day' and try my bestest to hide my jubilation.

but upon reaching the office, seeing my collegues, all that dramatically reversed and i suddenly found myself trying to hold back tears. gosh, i can't believe tt i'd made firm friendships inthe midst of the hectic work schedules and enjoyed the company of my collegues as much as i did. i can't believe tt there were actually that many precious memories created and friendships forged. i'm usually cynical of work related relationships and right there and then, as i looked on at my desk and the gerberra and card left there for me, i was overcome with sadness.

more sweet gestures and words followed.den another card. and a lunch treat. smses from someone who had to take leave...and i was ready to dash to the toilet to cry already.

in the midst of all that work, i had unwittingly touched a heart or two to render those sincere heartfelt thanks and kind words. by the sheer grace of God and that amazing operation of His will in my life. i knew that inspite of it all, joining the company was very much His plan.

as if (which i believe He did) knowing my doubts and questions hurled at Him whenever things went terribly wrong at work, my numerous deja vus seemed to serve as an affirmation that i was meant to be there...that i din stray from His will. that He saw this beforehand. that i'm still safe.

let me explain this as best as i can, Jesus was at the very centre of the father's will when He hung there on the cross carrying my sins becoming sin itself.

i used to think that the job for me will be the job i naturally excel in (which would prob reduce my options to being someone paid to eat), a job i can receive alot of blessings from and by that of coz, imeasure blessings in the form of great favour with collegues and bosses, smooth operation of work or great monetary benefits or just something i'm terribly passionate about. (read: isaac/food/makeup). little did i expect it to come in the package of a job that required me to learn how to handle crises, take so much initiative whenmy boss is handling other crises of her own etc). and strictly learn to follow the spirit so that i wun give more trouble than what is currently on their platter. to learn to work with people whose personalities don't exactly gel very well with me or even completely clash. i didnt expect opportunities to share Jesus, show love and just shine a little warmth into depraved hearts. i din expect the reward to be invisible yet feel so awesome.

"i've got food that you do not know of"..i quote a supposedly physically hungry Jesus who had just given to a woman at the well.

i've been fed well knowing a seed or two or perhaps more has been sown (albeit unwittingly) and hearts have been touched (according to them). i don't think i've done a good job with the job itself due to my severe lack of experience but its been in invaluable lesson that Jesus has brought me through and i'm so glad i allowed myself to go through it.

when i was offered it, i was all to ready to reject Him but i distinctly felt him urging me to take it on. i'm glad i obeyed. most of all, i'm glad my savior obeyed and said yes to the cross on my behalf.

"the sorrow that surrounded you was mine,
but not my will but yours be done you cried
and though your soul was overwhelmed with pain,
obedient to death you overcame"

as i was about to walk through that door for the very last time, a person i least expected any kind words to come out from came forth and somewhat sheepishly came forward and well, by the end of the conversation, i was even more surprised to realise a shaky voice and teary eyes. (not mine).previously rather unsympathetic due to a bad experience,i found myself humbled and so grateful. that inspite of my lack of love and ability to see the big picture, He was right there showing me that my labor of love and well blind obedience did pay off. even if it was so difficult at first to simply 'serve as unto the lord' and carry His name in a cold place, it paid off because someone elses burdens were lifted. i can't believe that silly ol me could be an answer to prayer. someone knows Jesus really cared as a result!

maybe no one sees or fathom the magnitude of this miracle but it is a big deal to me. coz i so did not expect it. and today i finally realised that His hand was at work behind the scenes all the time in my life and i was being used by Him as i wanted to in my own humble way even when i never thought it was possible.

thank you Jesus.

knowing im still in the centre of His willand knowing that Hez right there even when it hurts and thatHe has a better plan beats all the kind words and offers my dear (now ex)collegues made.truly His plan is higher, His way is better and His dreams are grander. and now..i'll go on and await the next chapter to unfurl with a new confidence in my heart that it'll be good. even when my eyes don't see. i'm glad the eyes of faith are open wide right now and may this spiritual sight be sharpened even further.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

above

apparent incongruency
that's the cross on calvary

grace at its fullest
love at its greatest

yet judgment so merciless
leashed out upon one
cruelty so full
evil so dark

but they all meet
at the cross section of divinity and humanity
on that lonesome tree

that dark afternoon on calvary

"earth if chosen instead of heaven will just be a region of hell and if put second to heaven to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself'' -C. S. Lewis

"if then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things of the earth." col 3:1

Friday, August 26, 2005

return to me

ever wondered what might be resounding in the father's heart?

what have i done wrong
was it something that i said
was it something that you wanted
was it something i withheld
what cld be the reason
that you'd turn and walk away
where could you be going
are you coming back some day
my heart is slowly breaking
but one question still remains
how long will i be waiting
to see you here again
i love you and i still believe
that you will love me too

i love you if you return to me
i will return to you
to this place where i last saw you
i've returned a 1000 times
a thousand tears have fallen
a thousand dreams have died
but i believe the day is dawning
i'll see you coming down the road
i've had a ring made for your finger
and the servants made a robe
and the calif has been made ready
our favorite feast is overdue
cause one chair at the table
is empty without you

inspired by the story of the prodigal son
by Jason upston

By Jason Upton

"we do not see God as the ruler; we rule and order our own steps and then ask God to bless them. when He chooses not to, we get angry!"

(i was slapped awake by that simple line and i'm sorry i let me run my life instead)

When You Were A Child

when you were a child
I called you my own
And you were mine
When you were a child
You could not stand alone
But you were fine
i want to know that child again
maybe time has changed you
but love remembers when
you called my name and like the wind
i carried you away
it seems only like yesterday
when you were a child
when you were a child
the world was the unknown
but you were wise
to simply trust in me
that i will never leave
and hold on tight

Sunday, August 14, 2005

the love of God.

i just wanto be a trophy of His grace and be safe in a crazy home.

pls sing this hymm out loud to yourself all over again if you're feeling alone, confused, scared or just simply abit starvedof love.

i can't believe the lyrics of this song was found scribbled on the wall of an asylum. no way the person who knew the love of God could be insane. if thats where they keep people who know his love, then i am taking consolation coz i'm housed in something akin to an asylum. and i know i'm in the thick of his plan. so there.


the love of God is greater far
than tongue or pen can ever tell
it goes beyond the highest star
and reaches to the lowest hell
the guilty pair
bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled
and pardoned from his sin

o love of God how rich and pure!
how measureless and strong
it shall forevermore endure
the saints and angels' song

could we with ink the ocean fill
and were the skies of parchment made
were every stalk on earth a quill
and every man a scribe by trade
to write teh love of God above
would drain the ocean dry
nor could the scroll contain the whole
tho' stretched from sky to sky

Friday, August 12, 2005

5 days in an entry

this week:

i haven't had time. been too busy. infact i have a headache now.

but im generally alot happier. God has been more than very sweet, patient and kind. thank God for onlinebibles that have been my main source of strength and encouragement in the office. it allows me to tune in to God surreptitiously without looking too obviously skiving. i love the message version so much...

this week on the whole has been a huge emotional rollercoaster ride (whats new?). for awhile i thought i'd just remain in shock and i thought i'd never snap out of it. i thought i'd just play dead so the troubles will leave me alone but alas, thats just a lousy lie fromt he pits of hell. i might as well face it and enforce the victory that Jesus has purchased for me.

slowly but surely, i feel something inside me transpiring. im still tempted to panic and give into frustration about many many things but really...the light inside me is shining much brighter than the seemingly overwhelming darkness and its been so heartening knowing from non christian collegues that they see it in me. the noticeable difference that i never really quite believed was truly palpable tangible and visible. apparently the glow of joy is so noticeable especially during crunch periods. to Jesus be allt he glory i say. most glad to be able to shine for him. of coz it shouldnt take their testimonies to validate the truth that sits snugly in my heart...so i don't know why im still surprised.

***
okok now the drumroll segment. the corrinne may concert!

its like how good lor. i was so in awe.it ministered to me in so many ways i can't describe so i'll try to do it in the best way i can. im such a fan now so forgive me if i tend to be biased.

so glad mei ling asked me to go even before i heard her songs. yah..i think we booked the tickets so long ago that i had to be reminded of the concert. my tearducts activated from like the first song and by the last song, i was all puffy and mucusy. not a pretty sight so thank God its dark.AND its no way the sad sappy kind of ambience...theres just so much hope and you can almost see the struggles she had to go through. its all reflected in the beautifully penned lyrics which i believe was inspired from a greater source. (WE SHARE THE SAME GOD) after all the crying, you can't help but feel hope and joy. shes just yet another glorious testament of His goodness and faithfulness. i don't know exactly what journey she had to take to be where she is today but that beautiful night at the esplanade concert hall, i could almost see Him smiling down on her.

i dunno but her songs speak volumes and it seems to speak directly to me. don't ask me to commento n the technical part, the acoustics etc...i won't know what to say.i can't tell the difference. all in all, i feel like i can identify with every song and she sounds so much better live. i love her already as a person and theres just something so beautiful, raw and vulnerable about her that you just can't help but love.

i wish i had pictures but no photography allowed. sigh.

***
sch has officially started for zac and i feel so odd and displaced being where i am...working. it almost feels like yet another holiday job and i'm just patiently awaiting to choose my modules. i miss lectures, lunches with him, the cheap food...etc. i miss the whole experience, the good and bad.

gone.

now i'd just have to embrace this unique part of my journey alone with Jesus and wait patiently for him to join me in the workforce. Hez been very well taken care of by Jesus and ...i'm going to cherish every minute of my journey. yes, even though its not altogether a 10/10 experience and it drives me to the brink of despair all too often.

allthings will work out for mygood as the word has promised and i know that i'm learning and growing and being shaped and moulded into all that i was made to be.

slowly but surely.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

lambs playing along

i have a lamb dance. he has a lamb song.

its really very cool

Saturday, August 06, 2005

a list

am going to live the high life that He called me to at the heavy cost that He already paid.

am not going to change what is beyond me but am not going to let it change/warp me.

am excited.

am precious to the great I AM



Stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

jars of clay- if i stand

Thursday, August 04, 2005

why must i title everything?its so difficult

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart
It's a new day - in a new land
And it's waiting for me - here I am

bryan adams

entering the new land.today was different again. and idon't know why exactly but it seems to mark yet another turning point. something transpired once again and its too difficult to define it. but anyhow, its beautiful.

i called in sick today because i was just not well and i decided i really needed a break. yes, only after 3 weeks but yah. it hazznt been easy but thats all i'm ever gonna say abt work here. i refuse to blog about work. at least not until i'm done with it.

however, what nearly because a dark and cloudy day( i don't mean just the weather) turned it to be so beautiful and bright. admist the thunder and blinding rain, God painted a beautiful rainbow in my own sky, just for me.

things like these makes me just wanto go out and celebrate life, with him. how certain things worked out for us mysteriously and no less miracalously makes us just wanto fall down on our knees all over again and just weep our hearts out. while offering nothing but heartfelt praises to the king of kings...the lord of lords. theone we call our God and Father and Brother and Friend and Savior.

i truly cherish him and cherish us. the trials and challenges that we had to go through together, that threatened to tear us apart only makes me more confident at the end of the day tt we will make it. just as He said. and knowing that i have His endorsement is all i need really. if i have to go through it all again just to be with him, i'll do it all over again. and i thank only Jesus that what keeps us together is truly greater and stronger that what even attempts to tear us apart. including me, the past, and kaypoh people, and loved/hated ones alike.

i would like to say that i've not tried to give up and take the easy route by throwing in the towel. i would like to think i endured, kept the faith all the time. but i didnt. only one person kept the faith consistently and its neither me nor isaac. He also happens to be the mediator when our fights turn so ugly we make the joo chiat everitt road pple blush...He also happens to just be always there in the sweet and sour times. (sounds like a dish i like).

And that is always wonderful.

to me this season, i am knowing Him more and more as my restorer.

its tough to be completely honest here coz i still have reservations abt the judgments that might come forth as a result. but honestly, its been lonely. for both me and isaac. and im glad now we are having some semblance of a true family. good Godly parental figures have been ushered into our lives to love us and while all too wary at first, i think i'm really thankful. its nice to be parented for the first time in 22 years. to be able to have a good glimpse of what kind of father the Father really is in a human being is awesome. for some people, Jesus just shines out through them and its so evident Jesus lives in AND through them. so beautiful.

wanto be like that.

its been extremely hard and there is no point going into how hard and dark it has been. how i've gone fr being depressed, stressed, maniacally happy, deathly ill with all sorts of physical ailments. i've grown disillusioned with people generally, thanks to the double mindedness and hypocrisy i've witnessed and experienced first hand.i don't wanto go on lambasting coz i'm giving these too much undue credit for the distress that i've even allowed them to effect my life for what seemed like only too long. rejection only tastes bitter when u swallow it. the trick and smart thing to do is spit it out. i took too long to learn that.

i nv entertained any grand illusions that i'm ok completely stable, altogether there and i've built up too many walls, and a fortress of sorts altogether as a result of these experiences. i wazznt even sure if i'll ever be the person that God made me to be. i'm no where near pulling down these mighty walls and to be honest i wanto keep me and isaac inside the safety of these walls forever.

but today, i think i'm making the first step to come out fromthose shadows. no pls dun take this as an open invitation to rush into my life if i din even give you this blog address in the first place. go away. not because i wanto but for him, i know he wants this more than i do. its not fair to him at all and i know that God will protect us as He always have. and i know He darzen want me living on the defensive. and i know at the end of the day, i'll have to come out. for my own good. so that i can finally live free and truly live.

don't judge me. (well you could, but it wun have an effect on me)don't even offer comments.don't msg me. don't tell me. simply because i'm not at the place whereby i can love anyone and everyone.

Monday, August 01, 2005

a shake head moment.

one of those days...

him: ok i wanto go watch the apprentice already...
her: huh?you wanto wash whose panties??!?!

When i needed a savior - matt redman

Looking back on time
Seeking to remind myself
of allYour mercies I can testify,
on every page of life
Your grace just keeps unfolding...and unfolding
You made me fruitful in the land of my suffering, Father
You made me hopeful in a place of no hope
Poured oil of gladness on the wounds of my struggling,
and YouPoured oil of healing on the depths of my soul
When I needed a Savior, You were there, You were there
When I needed a Healer, You were there, You were there
When I needed my Father, You were there, You were there
You are here...You are here
Ever since the dayI looked upon the crossI've realized Your mercy
For every stage of life
Sweet and bitter times
Your grace just keeps unfolding...and unfolding

Sunday, July 31, 2005

the invitation for everyone.

for anyone and everyone

there might be nothing in you to make anyone or God love you. But there is something in HIM that causes Him to love you. Its in His character. Within is infinite love, grace, mercy and acceptance.

you can come as you are. Jesus has qualified you to stand before the most high God.

just a cry is all it takes for those strong arms of love to come envelope you and turn your darkness into light.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

the joy luck club

i can't write more except that i cried and cried to this movie. again.

i don't know why but it hits a raw nerve.

of course i know why. who am i kidding besides myself.

the emptiest day

i need a release from my pent up soul so here i am.coz blogger with all its glitches and faults still prove to more faithful and trustworthy den say....msn and some of my 'friends'.

don't worry. He has heard me. so has he.but i just need to repeat this just ONCE more. allow me..

am so peeved right now and as many of you prob already know, i started working. i cant mention where and wat i do here although its really NO BIG deal but because...simply because...i don't wanto take any chances and disclose anything here.

this is prob not a big deal to so many of you facing bigger challenges and its not a big deal to me but i really need to be delivered out of this stage of my life. i feel suffocated and i just know its so painful to stay where i am. not because i hate what i do...but it just feels wrong.

i love the people. ok..maybe i don't like one person quite very much. (ok very very much) but its just not right. but i can't leave. yet.

and i can't find anything iwant. i went for one interview which i thought was something i would sooo want only to have a sinking feeling the moment i stepped in. no , i wassnt dismayed because of the aesthetics of the office. i just had a sick gut feel in me. as i advanced further into the waiting area...i saw lines of idols greeting me. ok that xplains the sick feeling. and it was a friday night and people are still in the office at 6 plus....and i found out later they dun leave until much much later.coz theres just too much work.

that aside, even the job description din look too appealing. it was somewhat akin to modern day slavery and everything inside and outside me was so repulsed by it.

den i got my taxi queue cut twice. den i was taxiless. den some idiot decided to stop his lorry where i was, wind down his window and whistle and spew crap out of his filthy being. so while keeping eye contact, i pretended to call the police and noting down his license plate. suddenly enlightened, he sped off. what a pity. i was so in the mood to chat up any policeman/woman. i was also so int he mood to crucify the people who cut my taxi queue.

i was so discouraged. i wanto leave the present job so badly and yet i met with another bummer and now i suddenly don't know wat i really wanto do anymore. at all.

and it darzen help that cold case really really inspires me to be a detective.

bahhhh.
ram ewe

Sunday, July 24, 2005

return me to the cross

i can revisit the cross ten thousand times over and glance at 10000 facets of God's greatest act of love for me on the cross and it'd still never be enough for me to fully comprehend, fully understand, fully lap it all up.

life began there for me in His death. and the Father truly spared not His own son for me. He held nothing back. for me. It PLEASED Him to send Jesus there to take on my suffering and sins. its still mind blowing today after 9 years. it still baffles me and i pray it never stops. the surge of hope comes back once more no matter how long i've spent downcast when i revisit the cross where my Savior died to purchase an eternity, a relationship for me.

***

i turn 22 in a few minutes.

and there is just so much to be thankful for. have been shouldering some burdens on my little shoulders and its been honestly back breaking (literally too) and today in church, my beloved pastor, whom i wassnt close to (afterall i'm so new) or knew anything in the natural just sensed it and spoke out certain things that God told him that i was going through. its nothing spectacular and even addressed a physical illegal pain that has decided to inhabit my temple of the holy spirit unconciously. little gestures of love...to let me know once again that He knows, He cares and Hez right there. no big revelation apparently but its a big deal to me.

no detail too tiny for someone who loves you.

makes me feel so precious and loved and gives me the strength to lift my head and raise my hands in praise. my wonderful savior and father, all over again.

had a wonderful weekend of celebrations of some sort over the weekend. truly beautiful and i could just see how much time they (God and His isaac) spent to make this special for me. nothing spectacular in the natural but i was truly genuinely touched by their endless streams of love that kept flowing relentlessly. i was not well enough to enjoy it completely but the comfort and love that flooded into my little stony heart was more than i could really bear. and thankfully, it was also more than the pain in my body.

i will give up trying to fathom why they see wat they see in me and agree with them, only by faith and humility that it is true. all of Jesus, none of me. i'll disregard the old person, crucified with Christ and put to death once and for all and embrace all the life that has been purchased for me at the price of His precious blood. the celebration of my life and His goodness will never end and i believe that even in heaven as i speak, even in my heart as i speak, they are celebrating the day i was birthed and most of all, the day i was resurrected and returned home to my Father.
***
and here's my oscar moment.
so, thank you. to You my Father, God, redeemer, savior, friend.

thank you to my laughter package. my big blessing. the only one who co owns my heart with Jesus.
thankyou to my dearest friends, (yes, i've amended it to err iron age friends after violent protests).adelene, belle and mei ling! thank you for remembering and gracing my heart and life with your beauty and love.these friendships survived time space and distance and even long dark ages and is truly tough as iron only because Jesus keeps it. amen?
thank you for all those who remember even though we've been out of touch. jos, thank you!
thank you jon, for calling even though i'm so chiong hei and its so expensive to call and still thinking that i'm worth it. (unless u were lying) GOOD BOY.
and jo!my young and younger friend. best roommate of all time!
and NIQ!u've been the bestest brother. ever.putting up with the worst of me and blessing me and isaac so so so much. it takes alot of faith to believe in me, believe in us and we're so glad to have you in our journey.
thanks eugene, for remembering. for staying in my life.somehow.
and cali too. i love you
and pammy, my fellow 5 stomachs friend. =)

my 3 minutes is up.i've gotta get off the stage.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

if glass doors could talk...

glass door 1: (bemoans) AHhh..shez coming shes coming
glass door 2: yah u're right- braces ITself-

glass door 1: i bet she won't see us again. why does she have to work here?why are we made of glass?why oh why?
glass door 2: -sigh of resignation-
a few seconds later...

the crash occurs.

i walked into the glass door again.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Enlightened.

In the councils of eternity, I was being discussed. Great plans for my future were laid out for me. Plans to give me a future and a hope and a life so abundant that this world will never fathom or know. So rich and bright that its blinding to the mortal man.

So although i don't see it, although i am only living a tiny fraction of it, that knowledge brings me unrivalled comfort joy and peace. i want to know more to know better. and its humbling to know always that inspite of me, i am still loved and..accepted.

In a day and age whereby true acceptance is rarer than a dinosaur, i am savouring and relishing every bit of it. i don't fit easily into many people's lives and am find great difficulty rooting myself anywhere. no one has my allegiance except for a selected for and of coz the only living God, Jesus Christ. yet, a piece of me is demanded and many try to sway my choices in life. its especially heart wrenching when i discover (albeit much later) that every choice i make might end up qualifying or disqualifying me in man's eyes.

but hallehlujah! today i proudly declare (even if no one reads this lonesome blog) that my highest qualification (as asked in a job resume) is not my rather worthless B.A but Jesus Christ who shed His blood for me. because i only have this to rejoice in, in it i rejoice. and to me, it is truly more than enough.

rejection from anyone you care and love and truly want to be a part of your life is truly difficult and painful and i must be quite blessed to have ...hmm..lets say at least 5 firm people of God in my life that are there to cheer me on in this journey and show me how enjoyable this journey can be.

i've been to a dark place whereby i've been a hermit because i just refused to try anymore to validate myself or my choices. seeking human approval is a vicious process and i will have no part in this malicious business anymore. i'll be who i am, who God made me to me and glory and revel in all of it while looking forward to more. i'll stop beating myself up over the mistakes of a bygone era or even 5minutes ago and truly embrace all that Jesus is because that is afterall, ME.

i am crucified with Him. and i died before i truly lived. but ironically (and thankfully) it is in His death i live forevermore and i'll celebrate that. amidst the shifting circumstances, darkness, gloom and doom.

i will soar on.

Friday, July 15, 2005

recent events and MY FIRST TIME ADDING PHOTOS


convo pics.centennial class of 2005
(i had alot of trouble balancing that lousy mortar board)

in light of the recent events, i have come to cherish the people i love alot more. at least i hope so. i don't necessarily have a chance to express it but i really do.

i don't know how they manage to find grace to stay in my life even after they've seen the ugliest of me. the worst and still love me. but i know its truly a testament of how much God loves me. i've had some aid recently recounting the colorful memories we had together (esp the days in MGS)and boy am i thankful i led a life so colorful because of the wondrous gems i have.

i don't know how i can laugh and cry harder with anyone except with them and totally be myself. or at least try not to conceal what i really am. thank you so much. i wish they are reading this. i can't replace these people in my life..especially one. since sec 1.

i never thought we'd be the firm friends and staunch eating kakis that we are today but here we are and more to come. i never thought our friendship could survive the change of class in sec 2...yes this was really my confidence level in our friendship but God has truly proven himself faithful. she truly grew up with me or rather..watched me grow up. she befriended me when no one took the slightest notice of me. in a myriad of drop dead gorgeous girls, i easily faded into oblivion and stood out because haha..i was far from ordinary.i was erm..extraordinary in a not so nice way. God put me right smack infront of her and i was painfully shy and despite having a thousand reservations (i think its about a 1000++) she became my friend.eventhough i did uncool things like collect phonecards. even when...there are too many 'even whens'.

even when i was truly in despair. and when the darkness is too overwhelming, because of her, i knew i was never truly alone. somehow, light even broke through because of the light that lives in her.

of coz there are many many more that my beloved savior have since added into my life. from church and of coz isaac quek. and a shoutout to those from the stoneage..namely annabelle and adelene...thanks for growing up with me.now go your way...i love you two.but im staying at 21.go ahead and grow old. go gogo.

i must be so blessed. i must be so loved.inspite of me.

thank you Jesus.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

who am i?

that memory is etched indelibly in me i can't erase it.and its so back to haunt me.

my convocation is in a few hours and thats why its here.togive me the same jitters.

always had trouble responding to my name. maybe because of the numerous variations that have been concocted. it sounds different everytime someone says it. at least it is the case to me. many pple i know remember screaming for me in canteens, in town, in the toilet, before i walk into the lampost etc....but failed to get a response.

but this was really the classic quintessential incident.
when i was 6, graduating from kindergarten...i was sorta the 'valedictorian' fo rmy class. basically all i had to do was collect all the scrolls on behalf of the graduating class when they called my name. and bow abit.

and despite making 3 announcements for me, and i was standing right there on the stage, ididn't respond and the whole audience just stayed there stunned. i wazznt paying attention. i was looking for my parents in the crowd and got so distracted i didn't hear my name being announced over and over..until someone pushed me from behind or something...and i scuttled forward.

and of coz all this was recorded on tape.

and tomorrow will come in a few hours and here i am playing endless scenarios in my head of myself tripping, with my batgirl suit (graduation gown) falling off somehow OR...not responding when my name is called.

a farewell-Rocky (1990-2005)


it will never be the same

he belongs to my firm friend of what must be 10 years now.

i've grown to love him in my own unique way. and somehow he ended up being my pet topic with many..old and new friends alike. as if he was mine sometimes.

i would talk endlessly about his queer habits and often jibed him for all his quirkiness.

he was a unique dog and unique in this case is just a euphemism for queer and weird. =) i remember being so scared of him.because he drools so much. because i thought he was growling at me when he was yawning. but i've grown to find him so endearing. and now that hez gone, its hard to stomach that i'll nv see him again. nv scream.. when he yawns again. nv. coz he has gone to sleep for good.

he made me laughso hard sometimes i'd cry. because he is such an undog dog. because he'd walk on wet paint and then leave his little cute paw prints all around the parquet floor.

there are so many memories despite never having been mine. even though some of the accounts are second hand...it seemed that he'd be there to watch us girls get married and have kids and still play with our kids.

HE ADDED COLOR TO MY LIFE and this is how....

i laughed at him endlessly at the fact that he was hard of hearing and would respond to anything that rhymes with 'gy'. His name is rocky but he'd respond if you called him piggy.

he'd come running everytime there's food.i don't think i've known a greedier dog than him.and the time he swallowed the hot dog bun at a go and nearly choke

he'd share his food with birds and cats...and even the scary big dog nxt door.because he was such a coward.

he's scared of cats and chases birds. a dog who really doesn't behave like one.

he looks like a toy alsatian. so small even for his age.

he'd try to hard to seduce the neighbourhood bitches who are more often than not...many times his size.and how he always failed.

he'd drink water from the toiletbowl i was afraid to forget ever not to flush.


gah.goodbye rocky. now that u're in heaven i hope you can read this post. i really wanted to come over to say goodbye.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

pardoned

i must really sound like a broken record but the past few days have been almost more than awful.

and i have rediscovered mercy anew at a heavy price.

i didn't realise that i was capable of causing so much hurt and pain and i thought in a particular case, i was the one extending free forgiveness. little did i know..that i was the one in need of forgiveness myself and that much of it because of what i had unwittingly put someelse through.

i can apologize a thousand times more and it wouldn't change a thing.neither can i or will i try to turn back the clock. neither is it of any use for me to beat myself over it..and sadly i tried.

and its hard for me to finally admit and come to terms that truly one perfect sacrifice is enough. the one on calvary and since i can do nothing but offer prayers, Jesus will restore unto the one i have unwittingly caused harm and hurt. the price has been paid and i don't have to pay. and restoration will come..much much more.more than i can ever hope to give back out of my bankrupted self.

ephesians 2:4-7
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,
even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),
and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

i dare not even look up and expect more of His kindness to be shown towards me. coz being blind to my own fault, i have gone on and on. but penance i will not pay. lest i insult His perfect work. i'll leave it all at the foot of the cross today and continue my journey..

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

caedmon's call-thy mercy

Saturday, July 09, 2005

awesome journey

july 8th

this blog is a year old.
we are two years old. praise God.


its been a roller coaster and i've been yearning. for more of Him. it just never seems enough these days and i don't know where else to seek refuge in. but Hez been faithful and while i've come too close tolosing mymind onlytoo often, i know im bigger than that. my God and father is bigger than that. all that.

this week saw me going through emotional upheavals and very intimate sessions with Him. alot of the past was dug up, not just my past but my entire family's. and its basically a huge journey of discovery, abt myself and where i came from and my family. not just my immediate family but every uncle, aunty, cousin and even grandparents. i always wanted answers to the questions i had. i knew things were just not what they appeared to be on the surface and God has been faithful in unravelling the mysteries. now at least i know how to pray, and understand...abit more.

i still have many questions in my head that no mere mortal man can provide answers too. i'm still searching but i might need to let certain matters rest. maybe i'm not supposed to know.God kill the curiosity in me because there's no way i can find out. the answers were not be impt in anyway in my present or future but they pertain to a past that i no longer identify with and i just want the complete story. but i'll let God handle this. its beyond me and it'll wreck my mind and tear me apart if i continue on this elusive search. have since learnt that insisting on my way always leads to trouble. let His way triumph over mine...always.

been at hospitals alot more of late and its such a bleak sight of suffering and more suffering. i cant handle my emotions very well even if i'm barely related to the grieving ones. i literally choke back the tears and stand aside feeling helpless. i just want that touch that will part the sea for them and deliver the miracle they so hunger for but alas, i can only hope and believe with them. that God is still good. that He does not disappoint. that since we can't do anything, we'll patiently await Him.

somehow in the midst of all these, i'm more assured of His love and my standing in His heart more than ever. and its an awesome feeling and experience. to know that u're significant in the eyes of an almighty God who is watching upon an aching dying world slowly being enveloped by gross darkness. not many people know how siginificant they really are, me included, because we were never brought up to believe so. and when we're old enough to stepinto the world, our worth is measured by how we look, how we perform but never just..us.

He is also bringing the people that i love so much back into my life. and more to come. one is perenially lost. others resurface once every few years. i think if its anything, i have learnt to love people abit more (and more to come)....to let His love freely flow through me regardless of the history and hurts. its not always easy. sometimes the main difficulty is coaxing me to decrease and let Jesus increase but great things are in the works. of coz, there are others which i have to also learn to let go..all over again.

on a MUCH brighter note, my awesome savior prepared a wonderful wonderful day to commemorate the start of a love story He authored for me. and it was wonderful despite the glitches which only served to add humor and i am so grateful for it. we had a wonderful candlelight dinner after a day of celebrations. the food was good..ambience was perfect. truly. lights were supposed to be dim so that we can still see our food. until the blackout. hehe.den they played the wrong song ibelieve and the wedding march came out.i just burst out laughing.

oh well...love Him and him.
its an awesome journey.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

to be or not to be?

the peril of human kindness.

i don't think people really understand how dangerous something so innocent can be. yes it is. potentially fatally dangerous and you can jolly well disrupt the work of God. imagine what would have happened if you offered food midway while the prodigal son was in the pigsty?he'd nv return to his father's house.

i wish i could tell some people that.somepeople i love who have the best intentions but have messed up things and created heaps of trouble by trying to HELP. yes, inconveniencing, creating conflicts and misunderstandings endlessly because they wanto help. i've had enough.and i've said enough. i am not even thankful for the intentions and motives behind themanymore. i find them truly bothersome irksome and irritating and i really wanto invite them OUT of my lives.but i know not how...

on the other side of the coin, neglect because of complacency or God knows wat reason is just as bad. this is just the other way of ruining a relationship.. and the middle ground can only be obtained..by His wisdom alone. neglect destroys too.

its too hard to strike a balance in life alone.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

me and my time. in case you've been wondering.

its been quite a few harrowing nights of very little sleep and my body is just worn out but my mind is still working overtime. i will never fail to be amazed at how patient God is and how i still manage to allow myself to get frustrated over certain things that in hindsight are worthless and not even worth a mention here. like some disgusting gross self righteous swine. OOPS.

i've actively deprived myself of rest and i only have myself to blame. i let my mind work overtime so much so that my body is screaming many silent pleas begging me to stop. i will attempt that..soon. int he past few days, thru a series of incidents, i've seen a deeper uglier side of me that still is unwilling to trust anything. i don't know when i ever really became like these but trust is a big thing for me. and it should be. i can count on one hand the people i trust and even so not entirely. like how i doubt even Him who gave His life for me that in His death i may live. pls tell me i'm not the only one and sometime in your life, you've been there. anyhows, i'm not discouraged anymore by the ugliness i see in me. i'm so used to it. i'll just keep on being amazed at His goodness and patience and incredible threshold to bear with me.

there has been so much and i have been feeling like every minute of my life is so precious. i'm not just heading for the destination but actively savouring the bits and pieces of the journey and every minute detail. today will be gone by tomorrow and it will never return. what i make out of it is important. there are plenty of second chances but i'm way past the stage whereby i wanto burn time like i'm immortal. yes, i'll live forever but why do i wanto live hedonistically when there is so much awaiting me.not just to do but to enjoy savour and cherish.

so pls understand if you ever think i'm too protective of my time. especially of late. and because of all these, i can't bring myself to attend things that i consider a waste of time and am extra selective of what i choose to give my time to, AND the people i choose to occupy my time with. unlike before, i can no longer sit at a big meeting with people generally uninterested in each other's lives apart from their recent purchases at the Great sg sale. i don't patronize anymore because i've long snapped out of the gnawing bondange of obligation.i need intimacy, encouragement support and love. especially in a time such as this whereby a new chapter in my life is unfolding. i entertain doubts too and i need the right people in the right kingdom to point me in the right direction when its all foggy. i have no problems just spending time quiet and alone or even shopping with my loved ones. i just cannot bringmyself to try and bear with you if you have zero interest in me in the first place. and don't blame yourself...the feeling is very mutual. i have too many people to love in too little time and i oso need time for myself..whereby i replenish my supply of love and manah from my God whose name is Jesus.

nobody these days seem to regard alone time with God as being a valid reason to not be disturbed or interrupted anymore. suits you. but don't count me in. i'm the oddball from the start anyway.

and that aside, people whom i've recently given alot of my time too, i hope you know how precious each of you are to me. i count myself truly rich because i have you people in my heart and life. of coz there are otherp eople who i'll gladly give my time too but well...you guys have been too busy!

ive got toomuch to blog about but too little words. im learning so much, seeing so much and experiencing so much.

gone, like yesterday is gone
like history is gone
the world keeps spinning on
you're going going gone
like saturday is gone
just trying to prove me wrong
you pretend like you're immortal

life is more than money
time was never money

every moment that we borrow
brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
hey bono, i'm glad you asked
life is still worth living, still worth living

-Gone
switchfoot

Sunday, June 26, 2005

fortnightlyupdate.

so much has happened in the past two weeks since i've been back. but nothing really worthy of documenting until now. relatively good journey until last friday. i think thats really the turning point of my life.

on friday life really stepped up to a whole new level. i thought that its been relatively good and i've been enjoying quite a good walk with the Lord on my own. infact just when i thought it has never been better friday upstaged it all. i can only say this much because i really can't put it down in words. besides, its way too personal. actually it all happened during the commercial break while watching cold case when He spoke to me and unraveled so much and i felt like.."my life is really starting now". yes..moreof such milestones to come and i know this wun be the only moment whereby i think to myself.."wow..lifeis really starting now!" but this is truly a new level of life that i have never experienced before. maybe i caught glimpses of it here and there but never like this before. of coz i am exhilarated and i can repeat myself 10000 times over and still feel the same excitement and joy. its a liberation like never before and theres only God to thank.

i feel like a whole new person. i vaguely remember the times whereby i felt so thrilled to get a material blessing when i trusted God..and it did happen so many times(even when i don't think much of it or prayed at all)..been blessed with things i cannot afford in the natural. somehow all that changed and no matter how much i had, what expensive gifts i received which i knew i wanted...i was searching for somethingmore. i no longer relish the 5 second joy that i get from receiving something so miraculously. the 'life an dlife more abundantly' had to be much more than this and now i'm on the tip of the iceberg uncovering more. but at least im on the iceberg!and thats a milestone by itself. the gifts still fall from nowhere as tokens of His love but at the end of the day..they are just TOKENS. i came to a place whereby my room/wardrobe is bursting but i'm all dry and empty and all ready to catch fire. like a dry twig. a gift spree can only make me happy for that long and at the end of the day, there's still life to face and love to give and receive and i need more than that to sustain me. oh no don't get me wrong, don't withhold the wonderful gifts but i'm on to something new. CANAAN maybe.i need more than that and because i'm entitled to a relationship with the living God who calls me HIS OWN CHILD..i am going to find it all and have it all. maybe it'll take a lifetime but its ok. i'm all for it. life really took on a new focus and dimension. and this is just a little gist of it. there is so much more i can'tblog about.