Wednesday, May 30, 2007

love isaac. i shrek.

got beautiful shrek ears today from macs, courtesy of isaac! it makes me love isaac more. not that i can be bribed...easily.

i guess i'm the kind of girl that if my bf bought me an expensive gift, i'll be like "AIYO WHY WASTE MONEY!?!?" coz im such a scrooge myself.but somehow if its an expensive MEAL, its ok.

dunno why but shrek made my day.i adore shrek and princess fiona. they're above all the fairy tale characters. they have a way of subverting culture and make us look up to ugly things instead of the usual pretty princesses and 'prince charmings'.

**
my mum went on one of her kl trips today. shez the only one i know who can make it to kl and back in the same day , courtesy of SIA. and because she is not staying overnight, she pretty much boards the plane with a handbag. i followed her once in recent years..and it pretty much was check in, board the plane, sit down, buckle, drink something, get down.

then i remember doing what we had to do, ate lunch, walked around, ate, hailed a cab and hailed a plane.

and my mum being the strange insists on sia coz another competitor airline's air is not clean and gives her a headache. i used to scoff at that until the aircon broke down on a flight back from australia last year and i fainted on board, waking up to an oxygen mask over my head and pple fanning me with all their might AND my legs propped up at 45 degrees to get the blood flowing..

and all this while, sia has not failed me once... i've lost count with delayed flights, bad food, bad service, dirty toilets, broken down inflight entertainment and AIRCONDITIONING on q***** .

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

as the dear pants

Free by Corrine May
it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase

all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe

i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving
break these chains

Elijah felt alone too just because the numbers against God were alot less than those there were for. i feel alone for less noble reasons. discouragement weighs heavy and i don't know why..this haunting weight of inadequacy and that my crazy emotions are privy to me and me only.

i determined to be different from the start but not so different i have to feel so alone. although i did think to myself that even if ever the day comes whereby choosing right means being completely alone, i will. But i didn't expect the test to come in such a way that although choices have been made and things appear to be on the upward swing, the feeling of loneliness is just plain overwhelming.

what i cannot bear is not knowing. because i already have trust issues i need to hear His voice everyday. not that i don't know he is watching but because i just like the comfort of his presence. but these days, i'm back to the days whereby chaos permeated my heart and i can't hear the gentle whisper.there is only one voice i seek and i delve into semi panic mode, aggravating it all.

through it all, there can only be one who can lift me up. but before that, i have to lift my eyes to see Him in the midst of this inner storm. there is a hurricane within me and its throwing everything off balance. the only thing way to see in the darkness is through the eyes of my heart. illumine me..




thinking aloud.

sometimes i just wish everything will go easy and my way for once.i'm so not up to taking up challenges today.i feel like anything can break my spirit and i need to be upheld.i don't know how to pray, my defenses are down and i just want to hole up and cry.

i don't know why i must care abt every single detail and insist they go perfectly. i don't know why i have so many cares and am so neurotic. i don't know why. i'm almost ally mcbeal minus the fact that i'll never be a lawyer and i have more body fat.

can u tell im terribly frustrated with ME?

i just wanto let go but i don't know how. i don't know why im such a kancheong spider. i don't hate life. everyone has problems. i absolutely hate the way i manage it. i let life manage me instead of the other way round...no, wait, i shd let God manage me. i dun wanto manage anything without him and yet i wanto manage another's life.

i have serious trust issues. i cannot trust God when He says he'll do it. i'll wonder endlessly. if i was abraham, i wld've died of anxiety even before isaac came to pass.i'm so resistant towards failure im almost risk averse but i cannot resist when an opportunity comes so i take it still with great fear and trepidation and then entertain doubt on a regular basis.

i just want joy and peace in the abundance as it was promised. i just wanto be free and love, laugh, give freely. i want to be able to enjoy all i've been given and allow others to enjoy .

helpch.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

on my lord's shoulders

He hung,
rose
sat
so that
i may
sit
walk
soar


my fountain of delights
to do my Father's business
is the purpose for this life
to take the position
that was forfeited in Eden
redeemed at Calvary
to take back His kingdom's territory
to forego flesh and pride
and be clothed as His bride
with a banner of love
hanging over this earth
taking the path of resistance
against opposition and strife
the narrow way
is the only way to life.

i will abide.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

taunted

i get scared more often than i'd like to admit. i'm more gideon/moses (the stammering one, not prince of egypt) than david /joshua.

the only solace i have is that i always have someone to hold my hand and guide me. someone i can trust 200% although my faith levels often dip to sub zero levels.

these days i find myself assuaged with doubts and unbelief despite the many amazing developments. i wonder whether i'm on the right track coz its so impt for me to be right. i wonder abt the huge risk and countless ''what ifs''.

but today, knowing that i face these insecurities, a sweet lady of God texted me and told me that if i keep focusing on the 'what ifs' now, i'll only end up with regret at the end of the day with the '' if onlys''.

and suddenly my perspective is straightened again. to His.