thinking aloud.

sometimes i just wish everything will go easy and my way for once.i'm so not up to taking up challenges today.i feel like anything can break my spirit and i need to be upheld.i don't know how to pray, my defenses are down and i just want to hole up and cry.

i don't know why i must care abt every single detail and insist they go perfectly. i don't know why i have so many cares and am so neurotic. i don't know why. i'm almost ally mcbeal minus the fact that i'll never be a lawyer and i have more body fat.

can u tell im terribly frustrated with ME?

i just wanto let go but i don't know how. i don't know why im such a kancheong spider. i don't hate life. everyone has problems. i absolutely hate the way i manage it. i let life manage me instead of the other way round...no, wait, i shd let God manage me. i dun wanto manage anything without him and yet i wanto manage another's life.

i have serious trust issues. i cannot trust God when He says he'll do it. i'll wonder endlessly. if i was abraham, i wld've died of anxiety even before isaac came to pass.i'm so resistant towards failure im almost risk averse but i cannot resist when an opportunity comes so i take it still with great fear and trepidation and then entertain doubt on a regular basis.

i just want joy and peace in the abundance as it was promised. i just wanto be free and love, laugh, give freely. i want to be able to enjoy all i've been given and allow others to enjoy .

helpch.