Monday, December 31, 2012

Good riddance 2012

The year I was stretched in every way beyond what I thought was possible.

Am marvelling that I'm here today, alive and strong and bidding farewell to a year that had been so merciless and unkind. Too many times, I thought that there's no imaginable way I could cope. Too many losses, too much grief. Too overwhelmed. Then God jumps in for the rescue and I make it.

I hope this nasty chapter is truly concluded with the close if the year. I don't know where my ship is ducking next but I'm at peace knowing who is on board with me as we set sail again to unchartered waters. Never been more ready to see any year go.

Never embraced the dawn of the new era more than now.

Thank you Lord.

Friday, December 07, 2012

7 December

I woke up today from yet another nightmare.

Fresh out of my slumber, I thought I was getting out of bed to go across the street to Pret a manger. I expected to be greeted by fumes that smelled like fresh sewage water and I expected to have to jostle in the streets, squinting through neon lights and yah, thought I was in HK.

Imagine the disappointment when reality told me otherwise.

I cannot stand living in Singapore any longer and I have to have to go.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Friends

How I classify them:
1) those who can pronounce my name right.
2) the rest

One of those who is very very dear to me will be relocating halfway across the globe. I always knew this day would come and no matter how long we had, it always felt like it was too soon.

It feels like I'm losing an important part of me, a tad bit of being "left behind" too. But I know and grateful for the privilege that we had each other for so long. And no matter where in the world she is, I know that part of me will be there too. Thank God for technology that will allow us to still keep in touch.

This brings me straight back to 2000 when we had to part ways for college and this left me crying for ages. There are and still will be tears but I'm strangely at peace this time round.

God really took the best for this mission.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Injustice

Read the whole book of Micah. In two versions. Again and again.

Really praying that God vindicates and rights the wrongs that I'm witnessing live in my workplace. The wrongs perpetuate so relentlessly with no physical indication of anything going right. Righteousness is remote and almost extinct. In fact, I think existing structures promote lawlessness without any ramifications.

Lord, please give me a strategy now that I still have authority. I don't want to be a pontius pilate in this situation. Neither do I want to act according to what is wise in my eyes and compromise others unwittingly because I was too smart for my own good.

I vacillate between despair that justice will prevail and being encouraged when I read the bible. God's love is unconditional and He fights for all who are oppressed. No matter what creed, religion and race they are from. The church was meant to take the place and be His representative on earth but they have by and large abdicated that high call.

I wonder now..what is more to this? To let God be your sole vindicator or to act? If so, then how?

"let the righteousness of God be a holy flame that burns"

Monday, November 19, 2012

Dormitory life

I always wanted to stay in a dorm. I imagined it to be fun to have flat mates and all. Late nights mugging and eating and chatting together.

I missed that boat when I dropped out of Murdoch for Nus.

Somehow life made a u turn and threw up a little surprise later on in life during a time and place I never expected. God has a thing if weaving my forgotten desires into the tapestry of my life.

Now I live in a dorm. We share tv shows,laugh ourselves silly with modern family and new girl and cry buckets together through sad movies and trials. (I do crime shows alone) Except that I didn't expect dorm to be with two boys. One of which I have a marital covenant with.

I thought it'd be endless slumber summer nights with girls in PJs and plenty of Ribena. A lot of giggling and crying. Now it's just me with my years, tears and fears. My own hormones on display while they spectate and not participate in bewilderment. That's how I can feel so lonely with company. Sometimes I feel like I can relate more to the girl on tv than anyone here.

Sometimes it just gets so lonely.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

poetry


  喜欢寂寞
  词曲:吴青峰
  主唱:苏打绿
  扬起了灰尘 回忆里一场梦
  那照片里的人 瞳孔曾住着我
  阖上了过往 梦境活成河流已滋润了身旁 真实中的脉搏
  生命来到窗前
  不吭一声 拎走了我们
  谁为情所困 谁为爱牺牲
  谁比谁深刻
  当时奋不顾身伸出我的手
  看见了轮廓就当作宇宙
  甜美的习惯变成生活
  才了解了什么
  如今故事发展成就一个我
  学会了生活能享受寂寞
  剧烈的语言变成温柔
  又带来了什么
  若是不曾走过 怎么懂
  翻飞了往事 有时灼伤眼眸
  那伤人的台词 现在听来轻松
  平息了心思 有时一笑而过
  我此刻的样子 见风仍然是风
  生命吹过面前
  不吭一声 划成了掌纹
  挥霍了缘份 看透了景色
  我懂得深刻
  当时奋不顾身伸出我的手
  看见了轮廓就当作宇宙
  甜美的习惯变成生活
  才了解了什么
  如今故事发展成就一个我
  学会了生活能享受寂寞
  剧烈的语言变成温柔
  又带来了什么
  若是不曾走过 怎么懂
  当时奋不顾身伸出我的手
  看见了轮廓就当作宇宙
  甜美的习惯变成生活
  才了解了什么
  如今故事发展成就一个我
  学会了生活能享受寂寞
  剧烈的语言变成温柔
  又带来了什么
  若是不曾走过 怎么懂
  

Give your heart a break

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

长大的约定

你是友情,还是错过的爱情。

Saturday, November 03, 2012

So thankful

God has vindicated me his own way. The renegade lamb with nothing to shout about led her little team of so few to double retail sales, jump through so many obstacles and after a few setbacks, still win. He let me meet beautiful people, draw out their beauty, witness the depths of human kindness and team work in action.

At some point, I took two steps behind and wanted to cry and marvel at the glory of it all, fall to my knees lift up my hands and thank the Lord!

In the middle of the atrium in plaza sing.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Clay mate resurrected

Very seldom will do I ever do posts like these.

Just downloaded clay's old album "measure of a man" again after a hiatus of 9 years.

During this time he came out of the closet and became a dad. His voice continued to be nothing less than spectacular but his career went on to tank because his support base was primarily conservative and well, plain divergent. Like the Red Sea, clay mates parted. They couldn't reconcile the polar opposites of reality and what they wanted him to be. Their ideals crashed.

I was disappointed when I found out. The signs were so clear along the way but unless otherwise specified, I refuse to give in to speculations. Slowly, he retreated into oblivion.

A close friend recently confirmed what I knew all along but chose to cast doubt until the "I"s were dotted and the "t"s were crossed and every word spelt out in full. This time, I didn't go into deep denial. I took it as it came. The truth was brutal and while I still don't understand the struggles of homosexuality, I have decided it will not stop me from loving him. In fact I fiercely guard his identity and love him even more even though it absolutely breaks my heart. I cannot imagine the ordeal of struggle and confusion he had to go through and how alone he must have felt. My mind couldn't stop looping around why and what were the roots.

I don't think I'm going to find the answer any time soon. I suspect it is different for everyone and it is a classic case of " to each his own". All men and women have struggles of the flesh and war against lust envy and all manners of sin. His came in a different package and it does not diminish his stature as a man or his worth as a person. Most of all, " he ain't heavy and he is still my brother".

Let him who has not sinned cast the first stone. - with that, I am determined to do what Jesus did and what Jesus did not do. He didn't join the rally to stone the adulterer. In one spectacular moment he offered mercy friendship and the lady went on to sin no more. I don't know if she succeeded in wrestling her way out of those struggles and pain but I think that encounter gave her a strength to fight the wiles of lust in a greater measure. Whatever the final outcome was, I will never know but I know He never loved her any less and while I do not profess to be perfect, He is who I'm following.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My personal march 11

The day the earthquake/tsunami hit Japan.

It has been nothing but tumultuous. The entire year of 2012.

I can't wait for it to screech to a halt. The year I went from mnc to sme. From pit to hell. Lost a community. Redefined many friendships. Learnt how to raise corporate cash like four times in 6 months. Hired an army who can't really fight. ( standing army) redefined gender stereotypes.

Still I feel like I'm right smack in the centre of His will. Strangely. Although i personally preferred if my résumé post 2010 to look a lot less checkered. on closer inspection I think it might be that at one time, I held four appointments. ( I've since reduced it to 2)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Coldplay - The Hardest Part Lyrics

http://youtu.be/uVmHF1EIFb0


Sent from my iPad

2012

It has been such a difficult year sometimes I just marvel that what a miracle it has been that I'm even still here.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Monday, July 02, 2012

Sorry friends

I'm not ready to emerge yet.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Friday, May 04, 2012

Perspective

Seeing God's
And helping others put theirs together.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The simple life

My goal for the rest of the year- simplicity and to conciously trim out the frills I've grown some accustomed to misinterpret as necessities.

First step-shoes.
I don't know what's next but I suspect this list will be very long as I go about examining what constitutes "excess".

Simplicity will give me the margins and flexibility so that we will never feel trapped in jobs or if God calls us anywhere.

Beyond that, my shoes could have paid for a child's education for a year somewhere.

I cannot imagine how much more I can afford to give when I truly cut back. That said I think I'm transferring a huge part of my budget to cabs. Mrt disruptions are getting more frequent and I like to know I'm directly contributing to someone's income and just the privacy and comfort of traveling without being squeezed in a tube. For some reason I'm going to keep buses in my life while minimizing commuting by train becauses bus rides are so therapeutic (when you have a seat) and trains are just less friendly and have a close to zero seat probability.

But I digress.

The point is simplicity.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Almost at the end

Two weeks of rest.

And I'm off to begin a new chapter in my life with both apprehension and excitement and armed with the only certainty that God will go before me and will never leave me nor forsake me.

Despite my initial reservations, He has clearly indicated that He wants me back even when I thought it made no earthly sense.

I've had a wonderful time connecting with friends, ex business associates over too many afternoons. Most importantly I had a time of wonderful rest and refreshing while connecting with my favorite friend, Jesus Christ.

Thank you. Heart swells with gratitude and a deeper measure of peace. So even though work travel will go from 15 minutes to 40, my attitude will be to enjoy the journey and make the most out of it. I don't know how long the next chapter will last. Maybe project basis, maybe 5 years, maybe till retirement. In any case, I commit it to you and may you have your way and glorify your name through me Jesus. Help me to love my new colleagues and I look forward to wonderful tomes reconnecting with old ones.

Help me to remember it's all about you and be slow to anger but quick to forgive when offenses come. Give me your wisdom daily so I steward my portion well and bless my employer.

At your disposal. I love you.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Remounting

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

love much



I hate string instruments and prefer the ivory keys of a piano but somehow this song-the voice, the guitar everything hits the right notes. (Pun intended)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Remembering

After a back-breaking day of housework because my spanking new shoe cabinet came, a certain memory found its way back to me and made me smile and sigh all at once.

I was conned by my friend to drive ''round the corner'' in a foreign country to pick up someone else. I didn't have a driving license back then. She knew I was terrified of hitting the roads for two main reasons- I wasn't confident as a driver, familiar with the roads and I was a good girl who went by the book (most of the time). Ok, three reasons and solid ones too.

So after a few directions from her to ''turn left, head straight etc etc'', I found myself on the expressway with cars whizzing by at 120km/hr. I screamed all the way back home as she continued to direct me back but this time, with two passengers in the car whom I didn't know very well. At all.

I held steady despite having my palms sweat profusely (it was autumn) and the huge fear that I'm going to end up on the headlines that I got us all killed AND because I was driving without a license.

By the grace of God, I didn't and am still alive. 

The travails of growing up. Getting conned by friends you trust. 

But gone are the days of youthful naivete. 

Chris Tomlin - All To Us - Lyrics

Sigh

I feel like a petulant rebellious kid.

I think God is telling me to take a someone out for a meal. Problem is- I thought it might be weird. I was ok with status-quo( ie.curt). I don't really have anything to say. I'm afraid I'll roll my eyes and the temperature of the place will drop to sub-zero temperatures.

Help me obey You if this is You.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Post-easter post of gratitude

Lately, I've been noticing the following:
-In spite of trying situations, I've been more aware of the grace of God to see me through.
-I am so thankful that God hears every single one of my prayers.

For some reason, perhaps due to the fact that I generally have way more time than before and not overwhelmed by deadlines and evil people, I feel stronger. It's like after easter, the conjunctivitis cleared up and with that, the mind cleared up too. I am so thankful for His gift of life and even more so, His immense love that compelled Him to the cross and endure grotesque pain for my propitiation of sins.

There is also a joy and a lightness in my steps as I continue about the slow and daily routines. Bad news that would usually send me spiralling down a bottomless pit of gloom sends me straight to prayer instead. And I know it's almost ridiculous to say this but even after the simplest of prayers, I just feel assured of the help that I am going to get through it or that I will have the strength and wisdom from God to navigate through tricky situations.

Peace that surpasses knowledge and understanding.

I think I am finally getting a taste of it and I'm addicted.


Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Miserable

I'm a really bad patient so now instead of getting better I've been rewwreded with a splitting headache.

So so bad.

Conversations with thyself.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Confession

While my official rhetoric goes that I am affronted and even enraged by the injustices and partiality against those who are born below the rungs of a certain social standard, I have not conciously done anything to reach out to them whether professionally or in personal spheres. At the back of my mind, whether I admit it or not , they have been relegated to the blind spots of my heart and mind which will require way too much effort to reach. It takes deliberate effort to check out those blind spots to realize that they are there. I seek no balance in the partiality they face in society and do not push for fairness. Instead, I contribute to it because I believed the following fallacies:

1) We have nothing at all in common. No use hanging out.
2)There is no use training them. They are all the same.

As such, I do not count myself to have a single friend in my personal sphere (and some might say, even facebook) who isn't at least middle-class in Singapore. Although I proclaim to be championing the causes of underdogs in society, in reality, I am very much stuck in my own ivory tower aghast at the the thought of being associated with them. It is a hypocritical mindset that has been deposited and left untreated in my soul. Until now. I have never learnt to serve in the example of Jesus outside the church circuit because that was just ''beyond (and beneath) me''. I wasn't born in the top elite class but life has been kind to hand me a good deck of cards to start out with. In time, I started to mistake these tokens of grace to be an entitlement instead and forget that ceteris paribus, if other these superficial factors are removed, I can be just like them. Actually, what makes us so different from one another that I disparage diversity and seek homogeneity only?

I would have been content to them staying at the bottom rung and dismiss the disparities in social statuses as ''part of life'', something I am too weak to contend with. Unconsciously or otherwise, I would have contributed to them never rising against all that weighs them down to the bottom because I refused to train them at work or have been way too impatient and preferred to give my attention to a more 'promising' young trainee from a more polished pedigree.

This week, the thought that it could all happen the other way round confronted me. That I could be the one living from paycheck to paycheck, having a thousand mouths to feed, lowly educated and no promise of a better future because every 'tomorrow' brought its own uncertainties and life is harsh and unkind. That I was born with this deck of cards for a reason. To help, to share and not to hoard. That sharing doesn't mean a one-off donation or a fancy cheque but helping them rise above their limitations. As the old adage goes that it is better to help a man to fish than to give him a fish, why have I been so quick to dismiss and disregard and only choose ready-made instant pedigrees? The answer to that question unsettles me.

So I must put things right.




Monday, April 02, 2012

HORRIFIED

Day 1 of freedom didn't go that well.

I woke up heavy headed with red eyes, a terrible cold and a die-hard cough. On top of that, there was construction going on right outside our house so that meant that noise levels were through the roof. There was no way I could rest in peace.

I was bummed out that my plans for the first day were already ruined. At some point, I thought I was going to faint and die.

Riding on this mood of feeling sick, I am tempted to feel sorry about a thousand and one other things. I am so bored already I feel like starting work now. I had a reading list, work research and some shopping planned together with meet-ups with my friends. Although these excited me in the beginning during the planning process, I'm now BORED TO TEARS and cannot imagine not having work for the next 4 weeks.

HORRIFIED.

Chasm

Friday, March 30, 2012

The end

This chapter has finally come to a close.

This must be one of the hardest 9 months I ever lived.

I came home and cried and cried like the torrential rains that poured. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, my first few thoughts (apart from what to eat for dinner) was that I want to go back to Hong Kong.

Then I realized, how can I go back when it was never my home. I wasn't born there and despite the many times that I've been there for work and play since 1996, it is still not home. Technically.

Then I thought about how every time I have to leave my hotel/apartment for airport express, that same sinking feeling in my heart as I trudged around IFC waiting for time to pass, the same final moments in Pret a Manger before taking the 24 minute ride to the airport. The sights on the way to the airport. The sights, the cemeteries that extend all the way up the hill, Tung Chung's citygate and then the airport. Then I board the plane not knowing when I'll next be back.


Emptiness

Suddenly.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sigh, Isaac quek

Husband: " you are so pretty. I love your big eyes, dark hair and your green tongue."

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Ditto

"I was passionate about proving everyone wrong."-Tony Hsieh

"a great company is more likely to die from indigestion from too much opportunity than starvation from too little"-packard's law

Monday, March 05, 2012

Day of reckoning

Let's see what God has up His sleeve for me.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Celebrating me

The Lord told me gently today that when I celebrate my life, the sum of all my experiences both good and bad, I'm giving Him glory as well. Simply because He brought me through every single one and the fact that I survived is a testament of Him in my life.

So I can freely celebrate and be free to be who I am, unabashedly without shame.

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Betray

I wrote this some time back when I was nursing my wisdom tooth wound. Now, I think I am ready to post this and share this. After reading this, you might understand the preceding post better.

In any case, I've never been happier.

Betray

One of the definitions of the word betray is as follows:
to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.


This is the definition I'm most well-acquainted with. The one that brought the dormant strengths of a word to life, exposing its destructive ferociousness.

Being incapacitated by a fever and pain from a wound leaves me plenty of time for old hurts to resurface as I seek God regarding the next chapter of my life. The irony of this is that even as I try to get Him to direct me into the future that He has planned, He seems more interested in helping me resolve old scores that I thought were over and done with (for the umpteenth time!) I think this is part of His plan in taking out every last bit of hurt within me so that I can truly be whole and be ushered into all that He has for me. He doesn't want to risk me suddenly collapsing like the poor men who look all fit and strong and then collapse dead during a harmless jog. Even though it doesn't show to the naked untrained eye, it is a latent powerful force that has to be dealt with lest it shows up unannounced during my jog through life and halt all that He has for me.

Unfortunately, doing that requires no shortcuts. God has to open me up and really shine a laser beam on the troubled area. Then, He needs my full consent and cooperation to not run out of the operating theatre mid-surgery. Like the wound in my mouth now, healing will take time and is painful. Even though it hurts, I know it is getting better. My body reacts to this intrusion and trauma with fevers and headaches but I know without a doubt I'm on the road to recovery and must remain patient while I diligently take my meds (18 pills a day, excluding painkillers) to prevent further infection. 

**
On a new year's eve some years back, betrayal crippled me. I have since moved miles past that episode and filled my life with vibrant experiences and rich relationships but unbeknownst to many (including myself), the recovery was not complete. In fact, although I can barely recall it and the details are hazy, I know when NYE is around the corner, I am fearful and filled with dread. Subconsciously, that incident taught me to doubt like never before, refusing to render trust. It left me with a cord of rejection which held me hostage.

That day, after close to 3.5 years of an on-off emotionally draining relationship, I decided it was time for closure. I was going to give him an ultimatum. 1) We go for it with concerted efforts from both parties and stop ignoring our problems or 2) I walk away and never come back. I had enough of ambiguity and I wanted it clearly spelled out in no uncertain terms. 

Then I remember calling M in tears. I remember her calling him and telling him to either ''love me back or leave me alone''. I remember my phones (land and mobile) ringing incessantly with him trying to reach me for an explanation that I refused to accept. I remember struggling to pick up the phone. Then I remembered him saying nothing at all. I remember the words ''I can't (commit). And I can't explain why to you." I remember thinking it was the lamest line I ever heard and I remember thinking I must be worth nothing for him to want to give up so easily after so much. I remember being on the phone for another few hours after that and him trying desperately to remedy the pain but to no avail. I remember feeling like my heart was constricted in my throat and curling up on the floor, wrenched with raw pain. He betrayed me (again). He promised and failed (again). What was it about me that made him think it was ok to renege on sacred promises? I thought it was all about me. Why was I not worthy for him to walk away from the rubble of the past to build a future with me. Too many questions left unanswered.

He couldn't let me go. But he couldn't let go of too many things and we couldn't reach a compromise. To be fair, he couldn't keep a single promise. He promised to stay but failed. Then he promised he'll leave me alone but he kept calling after a month, every night like clockwork, almost as if that night didn't happen and we didn't agree to free each other forever. Before, I promised myself I wouldn't return but I failed and succumbed every time he came back. This time, I was determined to keep my promise to myself.

My last vestige of strength from the traumatic night was spent turning around and walking into an uncertain future. 

One of the last I heard years after that nye was a joke that was cracked implying that he was still in love with me. His retort was ''I never stopped." 

I thought I got away. I felt sorry that he was stuck and I thought I was light years ahead. I no longer wanted a life together with him. God re-shaped me and I saw that there was no way I could have had a future with him, despite our grand promises to each other. I yearned for a life-partner that had different attributes from him. But I never got away with feeling second class, from expecting to be rejected and betrayed.

 God restored but I was constantly on the look-out for rejection, my old invisible nemesis. I wondered if this man who is my husband will hurt me. I test him incessantly to see if he will walk away after seeing me for who I really am. Before our marriage, I tested him so severely but he remained. When things went wrong between us, I expected him to take off and leave. God has given me so much but that wound never fails to wreak havoc every single time doubts set in. I feel second rate and less than the best and it colored my lenses and affected how I viewed my relationships. I have forgiven from the depths of my heart but yet. I wish J told me why and what was wrong with me that he had to walk away time and again.

Today, as I peel away the layers that I've built in defense against rejection, no tears ran. I saw the need and I ran straight to God asking Him to reach past the layers no one else can reach and remove the woundedness and heal. I no longer love J romantically or share the desires of the old me or in anyway yearn for him but yet I carry the souvenir of rejection from the relationship. It has attached itself to me and fused into my soul and I cannot rid it. It controls me whether I like it or not and shortchanges me of joy and fulfillment. 


What I do yearn is for him to tell the then-me why and not lie. What I yearn is indications that might suggest that there wasn't something inherently so detestable in me that he had to abort the future that we planned in one night. 

I don't know how long it will take or how much more I have to endure. I only pray for concerted effort to never stop hoping that God will and can undo this and I don't have to live like a second class citizen in my own world. I can enjoy the love and adoration my husband has for me and not doubt his intentions. I can accept people into my heart freely like I used to. I can stop incarcerating myself and walk into the plains of freedom to who I was made to be and learn that while I cannot please everybody, God has given me my portion of people to love me. Like the wound healing in my mouth, when the stitches are removed on feb 8, I will be free to eat, to not be inhibited. 

I so look forward to having my stitches removed.






Maybe it's time

Some two weeks back, God told me i my private time with Him that He would revisit places of trauma with me and rebuild the ruins of the past.

Two days ago, out of the blue, I was brought back to a point in history to learn about startling revelations. I feared when I knew that I was approaching 'danger zone' but because I knew that God ordained that moment and it was necessary and He was absolutely going through with me, I went ahead. The emotions that came with it were a whirlpool of deep relief and sorrow. I felt torrents of tears surge up and yet, there was such an unspeakable joy and peace that made me want to laugh through the tears. 

I finally understood the reason behind ''I can't tell you why''. I finally understood why. That day, two people were set free. From a misunderstanding of a decade, from guilt through forgiveness. 

I am so blessed and I don't deserve such love. 

Thank you. 

Mayday - (我不願讓你一個人) Wo Bu Yuan Rang Ni Yi Ge Ren

Praise

To the valley for my soul
Thy great descent has made me whole
Your word my heart has welcomed home
Now peace like water ever flows

Peace

Friday, March 02, 2012

Something beautiful did die

Excuse me while I mourn. Belatedly.

I won't take too long I hope.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Wish list

I want to bear your likeness.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Epiphany

Some months ago, as I entered the twilight moments of my 20s, I felt a tinge of sadness recounting the endless things of things I didn't accomplish but set out to do.

Today, I had some sort of epiphany that suggested otherwise.

I have been so fortunate to have had the opportunities:
1) To love even though I've had my heart broken because some cannot even say that they have loved before.
2)I have maximized every single career opportunity to the max and given nothing short of my best. God has also blessed the efforts and given me great increase despite the toil and grief when I thought success was too far away.
3)Even in the dungeons and the unlikeliest places, I have been blessed with friendships and been privileged enough to have had complete strangers bare their hearts to me and share in their pain and wipe away their tears.

So, in light of this new perspective, I thank God for a fantastic second decade on earth. I hope that I have glorified Him and demonstrated His love and heart to those whom He has brought into my life. And for the times when I have failed, I am grateful for fresh wisdom to and second chances to make it right.




Monday, February 20, 2012

Tug of war

The same battles keep raging within and around me.

I struggle between trusting God and being held hostage by traumatic past experiences where He seemed to have ''failed'' me. I lament the despair at the recount of those experiences and how I barely survived by the skin of my teeth still send shivers down my spine. Help me with my unbelief because I so want to believe. I read and I get distracted by many things. I flood my mind with prayer and supplication but these thoughts will not be silenced. Fear still has a strong grip and chokes the life out of me. Xanax proves to be effective but not for too long. The nights are the hardest because it feels like those battles are fought alone and I am terribly outnumbered.

Today my SVP told me that I can leave anytime I want to. I think he is trying desperately to save money while packaging this as an excuse for me to have an edge over other job seekers out there as I can fill a vacancy immediately. There is still a lot of work to be done even though the business is dry like a desert. It does not make me feel good that my value-add to the company is so minor that I can leave and it will still be (bad) business as usual. Ironically, a colleague who is only second to him, albeit unofficially emailed me to inform me that I have to be in Amsterdam (again) next week. So now they have to fight it out. In the meantime,the clock is ticking and I have reached a stage of ambivalence. While it is extremely tiring to finish meetings on Thursday, fly back over the weekend and report to work on Monday morning while suffering jetlag, if I have to do it, I thank God this is the last of it. I can't claim time off on Monday because my overseas partners are arriving then. I dread the fatigue because I know I am less than half a person when I do the crazy two day european amazing races.

While they're at it, I hope they sort out the issue of whether I have to attend the meeting end March because I hate to be summoned at the eleventh hour to fly. If I wanted that, I would have enrolled for med school to be an ER doctor or gynaecologist. Not a retail planner.

I am taking this the best I can but somehow this is not enough. The fear of the uncertain future, the ongoing strife at work etc. I wish my burdens weren't so heavy but I have been accustomed to carrying burdens heavier than this. I have been taught to fend for myself and even carry the burdens of others. Maybe that's why I hate being here. Maybe that's why I hate being me because there is absolutely no one I can unload these to. Sure, I can call a few up to talk it out and cry but at the end of it all, the onus is on me. The responsibilities are mine. Some days I just want to be dangerously hedonistic. At the root of it all, I just want to be free.




Sunday, February 19, 2012

"so lift your hands to heaven and pray, that we'll be back together someday"

Last week, I returned to Hong Kong not knowing what to expect. Like I mentioned too many times before, this land has a special place in my heart.

I prayed that we would have many God incidents as He directs our paths throughout the 7 days and He answered us in a spectacular measure. Apart from meeting Lawrence who is a dedicated Christian in the marketplace, we also found ourselves walking into a hair salon by chance because a fog disrupted our planned trip to macau. We saw a sign that said that 'Christ was the head of this house' and walked in and the next thing we knew, we were chatting up a storm in a hilarious mix of english, cantonese and mandarin with the salon owner, Louis.

He shared with us his salvation testimony and I am left in awe by the great lengths the Lord in doing in this land. I pray for much more of His spirit to be poured out, that when the enemy raises up a flood, the Lord himself will raise a higher standard, that the church of HK will be strong in the face of a culture that doesn't respect Jesus.

It was such a privilege to be in the company of these people. To know that in a marketplace that is ruled by principles subversive to that of God's, they are holding on strong and continuing to soldier on to reverse the works of the enemy and to bring Jesus to many.

Ironically, it was during this trip that I really questioned myself if I could live and work here. It is war-365 days a year. Living conditions are less than ideal and the work culture is punishing in nature. I really applaud my christian brothers who chose to live apart from the world while in the world and I know it's a mean feat. In the past, I would have jumped at any opportunity to relocate but after getting a glimpse of how the locals really live and how hard their lives are, I am thinking twice. I thought I knew hong kong but I was wrong.

Our trip also coincided with the anti-chinese movement. HK is like the orphaned child, given away by her mother to support her own opium addiction only to return a century later to claim parental support despite having had no part in her development and tenancious childhood. While I totally see where this anti-chinese movement stems from, I wonder if the xenophobia will result in disastrous backlashes. 

I don't think I will be back anytime soon. For real. Every single time I leave, I think it's the last time I'll be there in awhile and the next thing I know, before the year is up, I'm back again. You decide, Lord.

So on the last day, I felt a tinge of sadness arising in me as I bade the land farewell. I don't know when I'll be back but I'll remember you in my prayers. 

I love you.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Friday, February 10, 2012

The hardest part, Coldplay

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Paradise-coldplay


When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fl

Friday, February 03, 2012

Awestruck

Yesterday, I was telling God and a friend how crippled I feel regarding certain issues that have bogged me down so much.


Today, as I prayed I got a verse from Isaiah 35 that said " The lame shall leap as a hart"


"Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
   and sorrow and sighing will flee away."



" Strengthen the feeble hands, 
   steady the knees that give way; 
4 say to those with fearful hearts, 
   “Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
   he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
   he will come to save you.”


I don't know how but somehow, keeping on in the word of the Lord is slowly unraveling my Lebanon, filling me with hope and strength.


Surely the Lord is the strength of my heart and portion forevermore.

Haha

I fainted in 1997 at the dentist after extracting 4 teeth to make room for braces.

I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I thought I was going to die at 14. I remember opening my eyes but seeing nothing and hearing anxiety in the voices around me ad the paramedics tried to rouse me back to consciousness.

Prior to that I never feared medical personnel or trips to the dentists. I prided myself for being braver than the wimpy boys. I never winced when they drew blood, administer vaccinations and extract (baby) teeth.

Then now I'm a wuss.

I have had a long descent into wussdom. Gung Ho no more.

Deja Vu

Over and over.
Like a broken record.

Before I enter, I scan for the exit, ready to bolt.

Rubble everywhere.

The familiar sting and stench.

I re-live every thing again.


Leehom Wang - Ni Bu Zai

And I haven't gone for a single Lee Hom concert. Given the lousy acoustics in Indoor stadium and the dark lights, I probably will have to strain to hear every single word and read the lyrics on my iphone.

Youtube to the rescue!

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Find your freedom

"You were there for summer dreaming
and you were a friend indeed
And I know you'll find your freedom eventually
for eternity"-Eternity, Robbie Williams

Dear mouth

Now you seem to be infected despite taking 18 anti-biotic pills a day. Because you have been behaving like a recalcitrant brat, I am now running a temperature and a headache. I cannot stand the chills even though the air con is not on and my head hurts like..bad.

You have hurt me too deeply. Too much. You gotta stop so my fever can go, headaches can cease and my shoulder ( yes I blame you for this too) can stop hurting.

I need sleep and to be able to eat. I hope you heed this warning or else I will deny you your favorite food.

Thank you.

Yours,
Brain

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Romans 12:2

Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out...unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Idolatry

The first idolatry introduced to me was the worship of self.

Growing up, I was the only child and grandchild. I was highly favored and soon it was obvious to my young psyche that everything does revolve around me. People would bend over backwards at their own inconvenience to make me happy. I reigned over them and my happiness or lack of it would spell the same for them.

I was spoilt rotten.

But the real god that really ruled and tormented me over the last 10 over years was money. The bible clearly says that we shall have no gods other than Him and the love of money is the root of all evil. I have worshipped money discreetly in my private chambers of my soul while claiming to be a believer in Jesus Christ. I have allowed money and the apparent lack of it to govern my decisions and direct my life. Jesus doesn't have the last say. Money did.

Today I renounce it. I take the filthy god off the throne and reinstated the Lord Jesus Christ as the king of kings over the throne in my heart, where He rightfully belongs. I smash the idols of money and I want this with all my heart that this will be the last time it ever has a reign over me.

I will not serve this god anymore or any others besides Jesus.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

God Bless the USA - American Idol Season 2 Group Performance

still makes me cry.

Heading for shore

So I've been dwelling in confusion and chest-deep in the mire of despair for a week.

Then a short conversation with "the sage" sorted it all out and sent me reeling back from all the exaggerated lies that I've allowed myself to believe.

I'm inspired by your faith and your trust in God. Really.

So here am I am, again, getting ready to disembark from the sinking ship. For some reason, I've boarded two sinking ships in one year. Both situations ironically required a tremendous sense of courage to put on my life jacket of trust in a God who never fails and jump into the stormy waters to await either rescue or swim to shore with the last bit of strength I've got.

I'm not sure what's next. In any case, the earliest this chapter can be concluded is in April/May. I don't know if I'm ready to kick-start another career. Isaac is of the opinion that I've not really rested in 7 years and maybe I should just..not work. To that, I instantly rebut with questions about financial viability and the all-important question of what I will do with my time after that.

I'm not that kind who can sit home all day and not engage in work. (And I'm not referring to housework).  I will have a hard time trying to be still as I fend off ideas on business plans, analyze life, business etc and send my mind into overdrive all over again.


Word in season


Commentary on Isaiah 41:10-20

God speaks with tenderness; Fear thou not, for I am with thee: not only within call, but present with thee. Art thou weak? I will strengthen thee. Art thou in want of friends? I will help thee in the time of need. Art thou ready to fall? I will uphold thee with that right hand which is full of righteousness, dealing forth rewards and punishments. There are those that strive with God's people, that seek their ruin. Let not God's people render evil for evil, but wait God's time. It is the worm Jacob; so little, so weak, so despised and trampled on by every body. God's people are as worms, in humble thoughts of themselves, and in their enemies' haughty thoughts of them; worms, but not vipers, not of the serpent's seed. Every part of God's word is calculated to humble man's pride, and to make him appear little in his own eyes. The Lord will help them, for he is their Redeemer. The Lord will make Jacob to become a threshing instrument. God will make him fit for use, new, and having sharp spikes. This has fulfilment in the triumphs of the gospel of Christ, and of all faithful followers of Christ, over the power of darkness. God has provided comforts to supply all their wants, and to answer all their prayers. Our way to heaven lies through the wilderness of this world. The soul of man is in want, and seeks for satisfaction; but becomes weary of seeking that in the world, which is not to be had in it. Yet they shall have a constant supply, where one would least expect it. I will open rivers of grace, rivers of living water, which Christ spake of the Spirit, John 7:38,39. When God sets up his church in the Gentile wilderness, there shall be a great change, as if thorns and briers were turned into cedars, and fir-trees, and myrtles. These blessings are kept for the poor in spirit, who long for Divine enlightening, pardon, and holiness. And God will render their barren souls fruitful in the grace of his Spirit, that all who behold may consider it.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Q&A

Q1)Friend: what makes you happy?
Me: I don't know.

Q2)What are your strengths?
Me: I don't know.

Q3)What are your weaknesses?
I went on to give a lengthy answer to this question.

It's the wee hours of the morning on a weekend and it just started pouring. I'm back here in front of the computer trying to make sense of and document whatever coherent thoughts I have because I can't sleep. For reasons yet unknown, the familiar stab in my heart is back. The one that accompanies memories when they resurrect unannounced. The one that makes me relive it like it is happening all.over.again. Like I'm still trapped in a time capsule. Like I'm still that 2nd rate girl.

The pain is palpable and not a mere emotional tug on the figurative heartstrings. I could go on and on dissecting it and trying to decipher the anatomy of the pain but I'd rather not. For now, I'd just like to go straight to the root cause and exterminate it. I've done it many times over but for some reason, it erupts repeatedly like a stubborn wound that refuses to heal. I know I cannot rush healing so I have cut myself some slack in that area but it is sheer torture to repeat and repeat that. It is a tedious process of confronting myself, my identity, my inner vows that I have made as a retaliation to circumstances. It's a confrontation of regrets that I didn't handle things right the first time and now live with consequences. Most of all, it is a process of forgiveness. To forgive those who did me wrong and...forgive myself.




Wednesday, January 11, 2012

God of the broken

Thank you for being the God of my broken dreams.

I still grieve and at times the pain so overwhelms I feel like plunging headlong into the abyss of despair.  I remember the time I was curled up in bed, spilling tears like the Niagara falls consumed by pure, raw pain. And here I am, still standing even though back then, I never thought I'd make it through. The credit belongs to you.

So now, here am I again, at the foot of the cross. Take away the pain. Take me, heal me, graft me back into the tree of life. Let me blossom with your dreams and desires for me and let your grace abound in me so that I will always be sufficient in all the good works that You want to do through me. Help me get past myself, dethrone me from the throne I erected in Your name, stealing Your glory in broad daylight. Help me make sense of this confusion. Give me your wisdom so that I know how to, when to and who to say what to. Give me strength if I need to let go. Don't let me be so humanly nice that my kindness is tainted with hypocrisy and foolishness, bringing no one nearer to the truth and letting them think wrongly that I am, indeed better than I really am. Don't allow me to be so brutally unkind, sharp with my words, quick to pass judgment such that I smear your reputation and drag your name through the slush of shame. Don't let me be me. Let You be You through me.



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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ephesians 1:18-19

I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened, so that I may know the hope of His calling, what are the surpassing riches of the glory of the inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Rediscovery

15 years since I gave my life to Jesus only to realize there is still a firm deep seated throne of self within me.

Today I was knocked out by drugs thanks to a cold but it suddenly hit me that I don't know Jesus at all.

He is not just the righteous judge waiting around to catch me make a boo boo. He is all gentle yet strong. He decimates his enemies with unconventional methods such as dying a cruel death on the cross to disarm them of all power and render them completely impotent.

Most of all he loves me in a way that I never will know why and how. Because I'm just me and he is God.

There's litle much else to say except that I want to rediscover the lover of my soul again and love him with every bit that I have in me.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Detox my soul

Am surrounded by the world and its corrupt values that try so very often to permeate into my soul too.

I am praying that their values will not corrupt the incorruptible seed deposited and that I will have enough strength in me to reject and refuse these values.

I am adamant that people and relationships should be not measured by dollars and cents. It devalues the true worth of a person because their value is infinite and immeasurable. The worth of a single person is the Son of the most high God as it cost Him his life.

In other news, the storms of a looming retrenchment is taking shape. While it doesn't exactly fulfil the usual criteria of ''good news'', I am actually exhilarated by the thought of it and pray I won't be the last few on the list to go. I want to go with a nice compensation, when the shit hasn't hit the fan and before everyone else so I don't have to clear the mess they leave behind. It is highly likely that the regional office in SG will not survive the onslaught of reality and will move somewhere to China or HK to better service the markets there.

So in spite of the irony that there is more work coming up prior to any major shift whereby we will all be dropped off with well wishes and a goodbye, I am not going to allow myself to be stressed by work and guard my heart fervently against anxiety and stress, both age old nemesis that I have yet to have full victory over. To put things in perspective, no matter how much I stress and how long I work, there will be no appraisal because here will be no company and there will be no job and no promotion. I will continue to do my best, learn and refuse to let the job or myself kill myself over a job.