Q1)Friend: what makes you happy?
Me: I don't know.
Q2)What are your strengths?
Me: I don't know.
Q3)What are your weaknesses?
I went on to give a lengthy answer to this question.
It's the wee hours of the morning on a weekend and it just started pouring. I'm back here in front of the computer trying to make sense of and document whatever coherent thoughts I have because I can't sleep. For reasons yet unknown, the familiar stab in my heart is back. The one that accompanies memories when they resurrect unannounced. The one that makes me relive it like it is happening all.over.again. Like I'm still trapped in a time capsule. Like I'm still that 2nd rate girl.
The pain is palpable and not a mere emotional tug on the figurative heartstrings. I could go on and on dissecting it and trying to decipher the anatomy of the pain but I'd rather not. For now, I'd just like to go straight to the root cause and exterminate it. I've done it many times over but for some reason, it erupts repeatedly like a stubborn wound that refuses to heal. I know I cannot rush healing so I have cut myself some slack in that area but it is sheer torture to repeat and repeat that. It is a tedious process of confronting myself, my identity, my inner vows that I have made as a retaliation to circumstances. It's a confrontation of regrets that I didn't handle things right the first time and now live with consequences. Most of all, it is a process of forgiveness. To forgive those who did me wrong and...forgive myself.
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