Wednesday, September 26, 2007

wishlist

wishlist:

to be able to take a few months of work with a huge enough budget to travel around with isaac before kids appear. after i get married of course.
and i don't want to stay in anything budget. especially for certain places, minimum is 4 stars.

places include
-shanghai (again)
-hongkong(again)
-israel (i've been waiting for so long for this one)
-US (north carolina, New York and go visit niagara falls, grand canyon etc)
-canada (to ski!)
-Korea (again)
-japan(again but i want to include hokkaido this time)
-malacca (don't ask why.maybe because i sorta descended from there and i'm sucker for anything rich in history)
-NZ (not auckland because i'm already gg there for work.maybe like wellington to see geysers and take in nature)
-adelaide (because melb, syd and brisbane has been a regular feature in my passport)
-norway (aurora lights)
-italy (venice and i'll even drink coffee when i'm there!)
-france ( actually i'm not that keen on this one)

ok actually now a quiet afternoon to watch my detective dramas will do.and that said, i know the moment i start packing, i'll be too tired to go anywhere.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

growing apart

sometimes growing up is synonymous with growing apart.

was thinking about that today and i just can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. because now work takes up so much of our time. because now we spend our precious weekends sleeping instead.

and its sad we're catching up at such a tragic frequency and we have to rely on email/sms/msn. its really hard to create soulmates at this age. when you miss your window of opportunity to find soulmates in your teens,you pretty much missed it altogether. and now, the struggle is to maintain them and continue growing together.

you used to finish my sentences
read me like a book
know what i'll order at the cafe
think i hate coffee
think all i drink is pokka green tea

now the cafe is gone
and the old me buried.
now
we have trouble recognizing each other on the streets
and i feel like a stranger to you
you don't know what i've become
and i don't know what you've turned into

there is an awkwardness when we agree to meet
we set no date
yet we continue to pass each other by
on the same street

i don't know how to begin updating you on the years in between
the struggles and how i was forced to grow up.
i don't know if i can bear to hear your story
knowing it was without me

it took a moment to be friends
it took years to be strangers
fermenting through the years
and now we're vintage

we couldn't imagine life without each other
now i don't even know your number
we know we were wrong
we strain to reach the high notes
but we always finish the song

you'll get married without me there
i won't be your kid's godmother
we will never catch 'friends' and soccer together
i hope you remember me in your prayers (i do)
there'll be so much we will never share
again

i thought of you on the way home today
and i felt a stab of pain
knowing we'll separately grey
knowing it's impossible
to be who we were again








Sunday, September 23, 2007

perfect sense

i just came back from what i affectionately termed as the international HQ of houseflies yesterday and i am still very tired. like sleep until cannot wake up to eat kinda tired.

(i make perfect sense)

i really like being home. travellings very tiring-its like living 2 days in 1. even though i get more sleep than usual it doesn't seem like it. or maybe because its mooncake festival...that's why i'mso tired.

(i make perfect sense)

the next week ahead is going to be very busy as i only have effectively two work days. will be on course on 3 days and that means i have to cram one week's work in 2 days. i'm never signing up for courses again. forget upgrading.

(i make perfect sense)

i'm fantasizing about a time in the future (hopefully not too far away when i take leave)
-wake up in time for lunch
-lunch
-watch coldcase on tv or any either detective show since cold case is dvdless (there's a story behind this)
-spend time with God (actually this shd come first before anything else before my brain is fried by drama)
-dinner
-sleep

( i make perfect sense)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

all in all

a few of you have been with me through this very bad weekend. possibly one of the worst ever with the confusion and heartache. Thank you. but it had a better end than the start.

i am probably slower to break good news than bad news but God intervened today. actually the intervention started as soon as the occurence but i was too blind to see. today, it was spectacular because a stranger decreed it from the pulpit and reduced any attempt at a strong front to tears as molten love washed over and forgiveness was exchanged.isn't our God wonderful?Thanks for prayers and love.

Not that things are totally resolved and everything is back on track but there is just a lot of healing and peace through it all. and i'm not even surprised because yesterday, i just had this peace that truly surpassed all understanding and even I was surprised. not that it didn't hurt. but the knowing that it's all going to work out for His good and that He is in charge was stronger. and the strength it gave helped me to course through the choppy waters of life.

when God meets me like this, i'm blown away. it feels like my spirit took on wings and ascended so far beyond nothing on this earth can hold me down. the lightness in my spirit elevates what was weighing on my heart. how not to be sold out for a loving God like that?

life is somewhat like a ladder with only ropes for rungs. it's so hard to maintain your balance when you don't even know if the ladder is steady. all it takes is a huge gust of wind or some turbulence to throw us off as we try to ascend.

thankfully, I have Jesus to show me how to walk the ladder. He did it standing straight up and he did it on his knees. all i have to do is emulate even when my flesh is wrestling against it. And in the garden of gesthmane when his mind was begging him to take the path of least resistance, Jesus showed me that balance comes truly from what i'd refer to as 'guts' and not from my head. and then theres the strength that propels me to defy gravity and beyond because He held the ladder.

thank you for holding the ladder for me. give me the guts to keep climbing the challenging ladder you have placed infront of me. and help me remember that no matter how many times i flip and fall over or fall, all of my life is by your design.


be back on the 22nd.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

the vain, the hungry and the inspired speaks.

"Planned abandonment doesn't mean walking away from something that is difficult or isn't working anymore. Planned abandonment means choosing between the good and great, between better and best. It means you are able to say no to all that glitters and discern what truly shines. Once you understand the difference, you are on your way to fulfilment"

Laurie Beth Jones, Jesus Life Coach-Learn from the Best

Jesus gave up the mundane (as a carpenter) to follow the path that was Hisalone. Help me to follow the path that is mine alone...

**

me (to colleague/friend): hey!try to read my mind!what am i thinking now?!?
-was about to reward her with some banana cake that she offered to me in the first place if she got the answer right-
colleague/friend-after a bit of thought-: chicken rice!!

and she wasn't wrong. =/

**
Contrast

vanity speaking:

Dear Lord,

fix my hair. zap my zit. flatten my eyebags. help me to unflab. Remember you said i'm bride of Christ and not bride of Frankenstein? no blemish, spot or wrinkle!!!-wailssss-

Incorruptible spirit:

Dear Lord,

more of You for me and more of me for You this day. take my eyes off me so and help me focus on what truly matters-You. Help me to forget my imperfections and behold you, the truly eternal one and the epitome of beauty.

develop in me a beautiful spirit, without blemish,spot or wrinkle as you prepare me as a bride of Christ.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

you always win lah

i had a 3-4 day old headache which had me writhing in pain one morning with the pain stretching from the top of my head all the way to my shoulder.

never had it this bad.

then in church, preacher announced that there was a battle going for my mind and hence the headaches.

there. i have the answer, the solution, the healing all at once. how awesome.

but it's only today that i felt i really broke through inspite of the strong fatigue. felt like i came out of some huge battle that i didn't even fight but its just plain exhausting.

praise God. i actually feel like i have ownership of my mind now coz during the headache episodes, i actually felt like i was downloading thoughts and images from two different realms; one extremely dark and one extremely bright and i felt myself vascillating what many would simply term as 'moodswings'. i just felt great despair and then a peace and so on and so forth.

yay.

score board:

Jesus-1, enemy-0

my Jesus beat the devil with two sticks.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

laid to rest

the trouble about life is that you only get that one chance to live it.

there's no second try or '' if i were to live all over again, i wouldn't have done this/would have done that." i can't explain the ache away, the ache that comes with regrets and shame.

that's what makes every decision made today so precious because it affects tomorrow and in sometimes, all eternity.

some 11 years ago, i made a decision to give my life to Jesus (my first love)
some 10 years ago, i thought i fell in love for the first time. (it was just a crush and i got over it in a heartbeat. )
some 7 years ago, i thought i really fell in love for the first time. (i got over it. by the sheer grace of God. until i obeyed, i couldn't honestly say He was still my first love then.)
some 4 years ago, i really fell in love this time. (by the sheer grace of God, i'm still in it)
some time in between, i put my eyes on me /him instead of Him
just now, i remembered why He put us together and the burning desire we share for His cause and Him and repented.

i want it right. right being the way He wants it. not the way that seems right. not just merely but entirely, Jesus-glorifying way.

there's no room for correction to alter the past. the past is inked in permanence-for the disobedience, the wrong decisions, the wilfulness. thank God i still have the unwritten future and the blood of Jesus , strength for today and hope for tomorrow.

life grew as i grew. life became bigger than just me, a wider expanse of a borderless horizon. and because of that, the glaring blots of mistakes of yesterday pales in comparison to the endless possibilities of glory of tomorrow.

wowee

a few weeks ago, i was suddenly turned on to 'teen challenge' and started reading up alot about it. including the founder david wilkerson's most famous book 'the cross and the switchblade'.

and the next thing i know, his diciple and the diciple's jewish wife appears at my church with the presence of God to deposit something so precious into us.

God really orchestrates this very well. nowadays, he gets me crazy obsessed about something and lo and behold, its before my eyes. i wonder where all this is leading to...

as we worshipped with the jews the past few days, i was just so overwhelmed with a glimpse of what could possibly be on God's heart. to see His ancient people and His gentile bride worship together under one banner of love is something no one ever thought possible say a few decades back. now we're coming full circle and there's a mighty reconciliation.

i can't wait for more.

to be His hands and feet

"one of the major problems now facing Kenya is the number of orphans that roam the streets of the city. In fact, Andrew ministered in a church on Sunday in another slum and they had over50 little kids in the church. These little chldren crowded around him at the end of the service so that they could touch his hair and feel his skin. Several of them even attempted to lick his hands to see if he was any different from themselves. The little chilren were fascinated with Andrew because up till then, they had never come into contact with a chinese person.

We just felt like God had sowed a seed inside of us to love the unloved and to care for the downtrodden and abandoned. We believe that God is giving us the opportunity to be His hands and His feet to touch the ones that desperately need a touch from HIm and to walk in the places where He wants to manifest His presence in.

In the midst of the comfort and affluence that we see here everyday, may we never forget that there's a world of the poor, the fatherless and those in desperate need of His love to whom the Lord is sending us to"

church bulletin -mission's report for the week.

i'm not there yet. i'm not where i can say "here i am, send me''. die flesh, die. die self-interest die.

taking off

2 days into september. i don't even want to count how far we are into 2007. i still remember ushering in the new year as if it was yesterday. where did time go and how did i end up here?

i don't want to ask what next?learning to take each day at a time and focusing on the goal. i'm learning stamina and perseverance and i think its the hardest lesson to date, besides module trust 1101.

if i look, there's something to celebrate everyday. there's Jesus in between the lines. i don't even have to look externally at times. sometimes i just tune in and there He is.

i feel like my hunger will never be met and i don't dare to ask for more. these days i get so desperate to make contact with God , it becomes a driving force. i can't just merely function and go through the motions anymore. it's my daily dose or a wacko.

i feel like there's a volcano erupting deep within my spirit. just waves of molten love spilling over to all my being. it's frightening especially because then i lose complete control of myself but the assurance that you can trust what's taking control is out of this world.

i better get ready for rain. for this little heart to be right ground for Him to share His heart and His plans. for His whispers.

rain is coming. in a moment's notice, i'll be taking flight.

then, don't watch this space. watch Him and there i'll be.

simply awesome.

Delirious? (Our God Reigns)

lyrics

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.
100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.
Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,

But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees.