Tuesday, December 23, 2008

almost there!

Been at the table arrangements for what seemed like a millenium. I can't seem to sort it out and now even though I've thrown the white towel and decided to head to bed, I can't quite sleep. There has to be a formula to get around this one and I wish John Nash was around to help. Someone call Mr beautiful mind.

I'm determined to have fun that day. No matter what. It is my day and of all the days that I have ever lived and will ever live, I'll rejoice and rejoice and celebrate.

For years and years to come, we'll always commemorate the day the Lord joined us together as one. 27th December.

It's been a long wait, 5.5 years. But i just wanto shout ' WE MADE IT!!!"

Thursday, December 18, 2008

the traffic controller

at a very congested street with parallel parking facilities the other day, my attention fell on this unofficial traffic controller trying to direct the heavily congested traffic. His simple hand gestures in directing traffic made it so much less stressful for the motorists who were typically to inconsiderate and not letting each other have their way. his face was etched with lines and his skin was like a shade of coffee, roasted from the long hours under the merciless sun.

so when the man stood there, without any endorsement of authority from anyone doing that, i wanted to salute him. it took him to evict chaos and restore order. it took the nobody and initiative in him to get us, impatient motorists in order. he did it with such gusto and dignity. that moment, he won my respect.

i found out later he did this out of his own initiative. my father proceeded to tip him, alongside with some other equally grateful motorists. however, there were some that behaved like it was their divine right and entitlement.

this guy was so poor. and he probably recently lost his job. as a foreigner, his options are even fewer and rights almost non existent. he took the initiative to do this and can only hope for the largeness of some hearts to appreciate and spare him cash in return for his humble duty.

i don't know why but when i saw him and remember his plight, i started crying.

people like him are meant to be recipients/beneficiaries of my business and the wealth we generate. yet, i'm feeling so down and out now i feel mocked by the cruel irony of it. the dream and busines model is still alive in me. it still is. the ends and objectives and what we'll do with the money still resounds.

i know that for as long as i'm breathing, i cannot live and enjoy all that He wants to give me without sharing it the destitute. and that is my destiny. i wanted to reach out so badly to this guy, buy him a meal or give him a bigger tip so he can send the rest home but i was still held back by my own.

i would like to believe that i could empty myself out for people such as him, or Him. but i still can't and am still bound by my own needs and concerns.

i'm still staring at the little bud wondering when it'll blossom. wondering when what You said will come to pass. most of all, i'm wondering if i can hold out long enough before You jump on.

how long is the road
how long is the ride
how long is the darkness till we get to the light

corrine may.

meltdown

i'm trying to gather every last remnant of strength as i stare in the face of the enemy of seeming impossibility.

i'd like to pride myself for standing firm, staying the course and hold it all together. but truth is, i can't believe its so hard. i didn't count the cost and now that i'm asked to pay the price, i'm standing at the counter, like the banks waiting helplessly for a bail out.

the cost is not just measured in dollars and cents. its the tenacity, the everything required. i don't know how many others make it appear so easy and they just breeze through life like they have wheels under their shoes while i trudge on with bloody feet.

save me, because i don't have strength anymore.

help me see You coz my vision is obscured.

speak, because I'm desperate and listening.

i chose this so i'm not going to complain or regret at how hard this is and how unrosy it all is. and in the meantime, am going to count the blessings that I do remember and enter in with thanksgving, even though i'm on my knees and not exactly jumping jubilantly for joy. i'm recounting past blessings so i rise above the drudgery of self-pity and see beyond my calvary.

right now, my heart is heavy. my soul is downcast. this is not the picture of a bride to be. but i'm soldiering on and i know 9 days later, all i've ever waited for will be there. and nothing will beable to get me down.

i'll charge for the altar, even on my heels and claim the 'prize'. this is round 1 of getting married. i cannot imagine how much more it'll be when i see my heavenly bridegroom face to face.

that's really all i care about. never mind everything else already. i'm just glad to get married before the end is here.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

popping my head out of the hole

i've been so wearied out i just want to hide from all.

when i come home, all i'm asked about is the latest seating arrangement and how the house is etc. there are updates everyday and i just want a breahther. something else to think about and laugh about.

my phone rings incessantly from 9 am onwards with smses/calls regarding the above issues also. next week's schedules are also packed with such. i am so looking forward to the 27th so i can bid all these farewell.

i haven't been monitoring my bank account and i can't bring myself to look at it either. all these purchases actually cost money and i'm thankful that so far, we have enough. and i really don't have the grandiose faith to tide me through to be assured of super abundance now.

when i can steal a few minutes away, i'm really at the fork road trying to steer my flesh away from frustration and dismay to thanksgiving and praise. to recount the many things i have to be thankful for and the much more I will have though i do not yet see.

in times of great financial famine, i'm thankful that my business is still experiencing increase and although I want to seek greater expansion, I've learnt to harness ambition and wait on His perfect timing. Ok, I haven't learnt it. I'm learning it.

never before does it require more willpower to choose to worship and praise. yes, times have been hard and pressurizing before but this time, nothing in me wants to. there's a cloud of despondency somewhat and i need His spirit to come in mightily to dispel the cloud. but something inside me just knows I have to stick my head above it and make the choice to rejoice no matter what. to yield to His goodness and just know that He is God.

these concerns of mine show me really how little i still am. and how good He still is. and it teaches me to be thankful for what I still have and to crash at His cross to pour out all so that He can change it. i really don't know how long this journey will take but i'm willing to go through it.

in other matters, we've kinda been honeymoon agendaless. but we're taking our time and not going to sweat over it. (in due part because the wedding which happens before the honeymoon is not settled).

we had a list of 'shortlisted' places at first. after much deliberation...

we thought we finally settled on greece...then the riots broke out in Athens.
we thought we'll settle on Italy and enjoy venice. then the floods (apparently the worst in 26 years) came.
we thought about hokkaido. but refused because the yen is at its all time high.
maybe even a short one to bangkok but given the recent debacle which caused many travellers to be stranded in the airport, so that was thrown out.
then finally we realized we were down to nz and aust.(again!)

well at least we are getting free tickets to watch 'australia'. australia is familiar to both of us so i guess, we won't get (too) lost. and also, they speak english. and it is the first time we're both going TOGETHER. so i guess its ok..and the dollar is weak against the sing$ so it means more savings...so i guess, yea. italy/greece/europe/us, wait for me. sort out ur problems first and give us a call and send us a cheque when u're ready for us.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

for some strange disgusting reason

lately when certain random pple find out that i'm getting married, they start to display interest.

so they msg everyday with hapzard lines of insincere flattery they like to pass off as poetry. and harass me to be 'friends', 'to go out for coffee' to etc. and they bug and bug. and i never knew them. well, some i do but most i never did.

i don't know if they are salesmen or professional predators of soon-to-be-married women. whatever it is, i am no giving you my attention, time or money. i shudder to think we are living on the same planet. and even in the absence of any special someone in my life, i wouldn't consider them. that is how gross.

i turn into porcupine mode when REALLY ANNOYED.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

hehe

MSN conversation

angkukueh says:
hows yur prep coming along?
angkukueh says:
got enuff sisters?
angkukueh says:
need me?
xinying says:
u really will go thru a sex change for me??

And i wonder why i'm not getting help.

Friday, November 21, 2008

a voice in the wilderness

in the flurry of endless activities, I have found time to sit at His feet and end up semi drowning in my own tears.

my faith has been floundering. He got me all excited about His promises and the dreams I have claimed to be mine only to '' so near, yet so far'' and I really don't see how He can bring me anywhere, much less where He promised.

Over the past two years, over different intervals at every crossroad, i've seen myself in dreams in labour and despite being in great pain, the baby just did not come out. I recently got it again. But I was charged to not give up and He showed me that just before the pain was excruciating, no woman ever walked away from the birthing table and say 'i give up'. there was no giving up at this point. you just have to see it through all the way.

He also showed me the immense need to flow with His spirit. At this stage, thankfully, i've been able to hear His instructions/directions quite clearly and wisdom has prevailed enough for me to seek confirmations and not act hastily. The multitude of counsellors that I now seek whenever major decisions are due also reinforce and provide a safety net for me. I cannot act on my own methods, resources and etc to birth anything. I will only birth Ishmael which translates to problems and nothing lasting. I've seen christians resort to the world's resources of flattery, politicking, lies to get ahead. and they've gotten ahead while i seemingly stumble behind. while i do not wish for hell to burn up their soul to execute justice, i just pray that God continually give me strength that His righteousness and integrity will preserve me.

I realize also the immense need to be pruned and for character to be developed to go the long haul. I know my weaknesses and to quote the quotable, our greatest strengths are as strong as our greatest weakness. I am a reputed worry wart who is impatient. God has to deal with alot of character flaws before i can proceed with more. or else, it'll ruin me.

the times are difficult financially especially since our expenses are at all time high with a very variable income. and i'm constantly confronted with the prospect of not having enough. but in the wilderness, in the refiner's furnace, i am asking myself everyday when i fret about our income stream: am i serving my own purpose solely or His?

its easy to lay a mission statement and sing about it. but it shows up in every business decision, every thought you entertain and feed upon. it's in our actions that we speak the loudest.

i know i'm called to this but am i pursuing a relationship with Him for Him or just so that my dreams will materialize? there is all but a thin grey line that separates the 2 and i don't want to deceive myself because there are times whereby i just want Him for the blessings/healing etc. i don't want to be a hypocrite hiding behind the guises of a Godly business venture when it's all just about me. the company has to make money undoubtedly but i need to remember who is boss constantly and seek His purposes and intents continually.

"unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain"

so many years ago, i cried out desperately for God to use me for His glory. then along the way, i stumble when there are unanswered prayers and wonder endlessly, even harbouring bitterness towards God at His apparent forsaking. i also felt used. although i didn't want to admit it, i was secretly earning it.

today, i realize that God never uses people. He anoints them, strengthens them, blesses them but He never uses them. we need to take God at His promises and at His word but too often, we edit it, improvise it and add to it and then get disappointed when it doesn't come to pass when James clearly said in his epistle that ''you get not because you ask not according to His will but for your selfish indulgence''.(paraphrase)

during this period, i also realized that God cares about His time with me more than my diligence in tending to the business. but don't get me wrong on that and get all lazy. i've always been a kancheong spider which soemtimes makes me 'overdiciplined'. i'm the kind who finishes a work assignment 2 weeks before its due only to receive more work as a reward. i've learnt that i can sacrifice sleep and even work (now that i'm directly working for Him, but NEVER cheat ur earthly boss of the time He pays you for) and still be able to achieve much in a day.

but never mind also if i can't finish all 100 items on my 'to-do list' for the day. really.He cares about me. i think this season, especially that i'm gettin gmarried, i'm going to spend time romancing and building my relationship with my first love, whom i've unwittingly forsaken for the many cares of the world.

i can't guarantee that i won't stop worrying about that endless to do list and the bills though. and i won't even try to kick the habit. but i'll let Him clean that out of me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

certainty in uncertainty

"..only be strong and very courageous.."

i don't know how i'm going to make it really. looking at me now, i can't see how and what will take from the me now to the projected me that He has painted in the eyes of my heart to see.

but i've purposed it in my heart that it'll not really be about me but yet my needs for everyday are so real and the tauntings are deafening, striking fear in every heartbeat. while a part of me is craving certainty in these uncertain times, i have no regrets for my decision and while i find myself susceptible to crumbling under the weight of doubt and fear, somehow i know i'm meant to be here.

whether i choose to admit it or not, i'm in the midst of a very important spirit fruit cultivating lesson: perserverance, patience and faith.

through this, God will show himself to me as Jehovah Jireh, give me my due rewards for surrender and show His goodness to me. all over again. like so often before. i'll catch the winds of change and hold fast my sail, catch the wind and let my vessel accelerate by Your power alone.

when the vessel arrives, please know it was Christ that got us there.

coincidentally, i've found my paths recrossing with people whom i've somewhat forgotten.

1) a brief acquaintance who is also a follower of Jesus. she was a friend of a friend and went to church with me during one of my visits to melbourne to escape my life in Singapore. For some reason, I found myself asking her how she was on msn and that led to our divine appointment all over again.

like me, God called her outta the blue to leave her job, her life in melbourne. She has been living there for a long time even before university and found a good job, has a good apartment and church there. in short, her life is there and she feels nothing for her homeland, singapore anymore. yet, God spoke so unmistakably (like he did to me) and she is struggling with being obedient and letting go of what she loves.

how coincidental. upon hearing how i made the decision and what an imperative it was, she told me that she is now on the way to 'execute the deed' and asks for my prayer support through this difficult period.

and i understand perfectly how hard transition is. and how hard it is to give up the safe, secure and what you've held dear to your heart.

i'll share my friends and church with you. don't be afraid to come home and follow Him.

2) this friend is really my bona fide oldest friend who was literally around when i was born. her mum and my mum are childhood chums but for some reason, we were never close.

recently, despite having a comfortable cushy job, she was also led out into the 'uncertain' by God tostart her own business. she recontacted me to share, fellowship and encourage.

she understands the fears, the uncertainty and today overcame the fear of questionmarks in herlife knowing God holds her tomorrows, without a doubt. even when there's a dry spell, He is in charge and she can still rejoice and take solace in that even with little.

i'm thoroughly amazed at how He sends comfort my way knowing what i'm going through. truly, He's here every sleepless night while i worry, fret and pray. and He is patient with my weaknesses and forgiving of my unbelief.

i yearn and long for the day i can truly testify as a success and be an encouragement to many. now that i'm quite depleted in many natural aspects, it's hard to find an audience. but the day will come and i wanto be ready for it and not give up. i want to finish the race, not only for the prize. so that i'll know, God has proven himself faithful yet again and I can without a doubt, count on Him.

this success has to be a platform for His glory to take off and go places. not for my indulgence. whatever vocation i engage in, has to have a greater purpose than feeding me and my family. it has to be a channel for Him, a platfom for Him, an avenue for Him and a dwelling for Him.

"in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"

-in Christ alone

1.54 pm

yesterday was bad.

i got so angry, disheartened and frustrated by a myriad of things i could feel my soul breaking under the pressure of it all.

anyway, yesterday is over. thankfully.

had lydia and lynn over for lunch today(i cooked) and being guinea pigs batch #2, they dutifully ate everything up without any complaints. i will not be too complacent to think over positively of my standards but at least they're still alive after that. so will work on improvement.

they later on helped me with wedding favours and we packed and talked along the way. about 150 pcs into packing, we realized that we were packing the wrong stuff (don't ask how) and we had to RE PACK. so by 530pm, we managed to complete slightly more than 200 packets of favours.

yay, just about 250 packs more to go. somehow it'll happen.

w then proceeded to niqqi's for maggi goreng and prata. things like these feel so good. and then i proceeded to finish off deliveries. compared to yesterday, today was heaven and lydia and i proceeded to daiso shop at vivo again after that.

it sorta helped us to shake off the shadows of yesterday and i'm glad to be able to reacquaint with old friends again.

on another note, i'm having trouble with wedding guestlist. i set up a guideline to 'streamline' the people who will be on my guestlist in hopes of trimming the 540 number. i'm hoping to skim it down to 350 but at best, 400. so here's the 'criteria':

1)i must like you
2) i must be related to you. by blood .
3)i must have some desire to want to testify to you

i'm so tired of being obligated to invite so many people and i hate to think that my big day will be under scrutiny and attended by people i don't care two hoots for. it's harsh to say that but i want people to come who will not be to assess how much i spend and how i'm so 'chin chye' with just abouteverything and just have a good time.

i really did all that i have to do which includes food tasting and i really can't guarantee that every dish will be perfect and please everybody from the centrepieces to the color scheme. honestly, i was never one to care so when everyone wants to have a word, i'm tempted to go 'go have your own wedding"

all i care is that Isaac and I have a good time and are surrounded by people we love and who love us and the presence of God is in that place as we celebrate 5.5 years of courtship and an eternity as husband and wife.

even Jesus in a parable talked about cutting guests out at a banquet. so why do i not have this prerogative. i'm not even out to offend or step on any toes but would you even care that you're not invited? especially when i think you're potential 'trouble.

anyways, while it bothers me mildly, i'm not going to brood too much about it as there is so much to be busy about given that business is just starting and wedding/house preps are still pending.

am hoping to take some time out tomorrow to rest somewhat and exercise. and clear my mind..

we'll see about that.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Questions

what do you really say to offer comfort to someone who've lost a child?

I can't offer up any answers and I'm not confident that any consolation I can possibly offer is of any use. The grief is so tangible and so gripping I almost choked. The questions racing through their minds as they grapple with the 'whys' while the ignorant try to offer answers and speak on God's behalf.

What God chooses to be silent about, we should also follow suit.

When the our little world is so shaken that we have nothing left to hold on to, what do we really see that remains.

**

How to love?

I'm finding myself being so impatient and angry with the meaningless, empty and temporary. While it saddens me to know that my loved ones are suscribing only to a Christianity that is convenient and may I say, hedonistic, I know I can't possibly impose my convictions on others.

If its not the Holy Spirit who convicts, theres really nothing much else I can do cept pray. And often, I'm too tired of praying. I'm just frustrated that it doesn't extend beyond us.

Do they not see the poor? the dying? even right under our noses? Even if we can't be of anything at all to them, why are we living like we have a better divine right to exploit, to live carelessly when shouting 'grace grace'. When there's is no identification between us and the world at all, because we are so assimilated into their culture, their values that we are more one with them then we are with Him.

How to remain impervious to injustice and suffering? God sees ..and sees to it. And we are sitting ducks living imperiously like we're immune and infallible. How is that remotely plausible.

Nobody died to make anyone of us God over anyone else. Exploitation was not weaved into the bible code. If the king of the heavens could wash our dirty feet by example, perching ourselves on our self-made pedestal is an abomination.

but unfortunately, because we are weaved together by His cords of grace under a common umbrella of brotherhood, your reproach is as good as mine. and I can't write you off as I would rather but have to love you to the end. to pray you through. you who i have called friend, whose deeds now disgust me, who I'm ashamed of.

you just don't write family off.

Friday, November 14, 2008

soldiering on.

it's been rather stressful on many fronts and i'm holding together by His grace.

Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.

I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.

so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.

work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.

i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.

i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.

And all that keeps me going. and going.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

dilemma

on one hand i feel very disillusioned and sappy, on the other i'm like surging with hope and excitement and even may I say, brimming with confidence.

I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.

so i'll just lack the former go.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

when you can't shut them up.

people who know me for me are so hard to come by. these days, i have so many people who have such vast contradicting assumptions about me, none of which are true by the way.

i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.

but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.

its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.

just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.

i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.

i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

button you must wander wander wander

i spent my last night in hk folding origami with my friend. till 1 am. i woke up the next morning for work feeling like i have had a terrile hangover. and the origami was a disaster.

i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.

big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.

my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.

since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.

ok, impractical. toss thought.

**

looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.

ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.

i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?

i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.

also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.

i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.

as if she cared.

but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.

so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!

**

i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.

never mind.

**

feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.

if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?

if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.

more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.

where are You taking me?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

in transit

while my nose is dripping and my luggage is unpacked and the stress is mounting...
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days

HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.

after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.

after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.

i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.

i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.

i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.

most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.

but i'm ready to disembark and transit.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Theme on my heart for this week.

we are watched, whether we like it or not. People are watching us and our actions and decisions are our testimonies.

It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.

I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?

"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.

not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..

He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.

"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.

so who do we look to now

Why am I surprised? Has it not been prophesied from days of old? From the mouth of prophets and from the BOOK itself.

He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..

I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.

I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.

I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.

In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.

that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.

I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.

Monday, October 06, 2008

HKG-DAY 1

i had 3 hours of sleep.
i was zombiefied.

random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah

my passport had a my melody cover.

then..

i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.

then at the apartment..

i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.

on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.

back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

updates from the latest leg of the race.

Often, I go to God with my requests and problems only to have Him speak like He wasn't listening.

Let me explain:

Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.

Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.

These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.

It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.

I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.

I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.

I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.

I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.

I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.

Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.

So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).

Following His cloud until it rains.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

moving right along!

i'm so excited. i've finally learnt to move on despite any doubt/personal inhibition/rising opposition.

there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.

for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.

something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.

wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.

yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.

as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.

so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.

to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

fatigued.

i haven't been the same.

first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.

and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.

then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.

wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.

i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.

in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.

my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)

wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.

i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.

i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.

mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

announcement

back. and i 'd love to talk more about the trip and give everyone updates. except that my brain is still stuck in sleep mode.

and i'm reallytired.

and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

i don't know if i should be a fellow oyster.

me: remember not to accessorize /wear make up when we meet the Amish people.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

life without me!

so mei ling left tonight.
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.

i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.

what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?

melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.

its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.

it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.

i feel like doing that now. but i can't.

australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.

which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.

**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''

i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?

i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"

and all i could do was nod like an idiot.

apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....

this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'

Sunday, August 24, 2008

there will be no eternal sunshine if your mind is spotless

it's rainy, cold and isaac is somewhere in taiwan so i'm wistful.

the weekend has been surprisingly great. i didn't shed buckets of tears because he is so far away. company of friends helped alot to ease the ache of previous week and gear me up for the week ahead.

as an avid fan of criminal minds (among many other FBI dramas), dr reid's eidetic memory really strike a chord in me. because while i can't read 20000 words per minute, i too can (or maybe could) remember scenes to the details, strings of numbers which makes no sense to me and lines of words. that was how i got through school many times because i was a lazy student. i may not always understand but i remembered and fairly quickly too. so this can be a boon and a bane.

i used to think it normal, until i realized that many are afflicted with various types of memory loss. once, when i thought i lost a camera and was lamenting about it, my good friend quipped " it's no big deal, you should thank God you have that memory and can store everything in your head so you don't need a camera'.

not many pple know about this. except those who hang out/work with me on a regular basis. ex colleagues marvelled at how i can look at a floor plan of the entire shopping centre and remember the size of each shop, the per square footage and the unit number. and i just marvelled at how they couldn't.

so when my hippocampus (the part of your brain that processes learning and memory) went on auto erase some years ago (i later on found out it was a side effect to a condition/medication), i myself was startled that i could clean forget things. it's like God purposefully throwing my sins into the sea of forgetfulness. it was just something i couldn't retrieve and because i didn't know what i couldn't retrieve, iw as blissfully safe. a few years of my life was just erased like that, like i never lived during those years.

thankfully, now, when the memories do come back, the poison attached to the memory was removed and i can recount and recollect without anguish (not much). and for the lack of a better word, i do take 'pleasure' that i have lived through the days i did, fell down and got better and stronger.

people do all sorts of things to repress painful memories and that is why drugs and alcohol are so prevalent. memory is so dangerous because if not treated carefully and stored properly, it can be potentially dangerous. people are trapped in pain and relationships are indeterminately strained. it breeds regret, bitterness and a helplessness at being unable to return to the moment and do it all differently.

there is no respite from the tormet as the reel replays endlessly in your mind in vivid images. not till it is surrendered at the cross to the Lord. then can your memory be healed and your life restored.

i wonder how He remembers the cross himself. on the way to the cross, He remembered 'the joy set before Him' which is our salvation. On the cross, He was still remembering us pleading for forgiveness because we 'know not what we do'.It was a lot less about Judas' betrayal (no doubt He mourned the loss), peter's denial, the scoffers and the scorn but the eternal redemption of our souls.

poser

i just realized that my church (and even on a tinier level, caregroup) has a lot of people from/going to cambridge.

i'm surrounded by so many smart ppl lah!

so i devised with a fellow non cambridger, a 'ruse'. next time when someone asks where i'm from, if i say 'kent ridge' under my breath really quickly and mumble, it can almost be mistaken for cambridge.

so proud of myself that i almost sniggered. only to meet with the 'err, xinyinggggg' glare. you know those glares you all randomly shoot me. somehow all my friends have that glare.

i may not be from cambridge. but i'm also smart!

N*S, don't be sad. it's not that i'm ashamed of you. i'm also glad to be part of your alumni. somewhat.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

epiphany

i've been an insommiac for nearly 3 nights already. and it's a real pain. life has been threatening to burn me out and i really don't know how to cope. i keep thinking that as long as i soldier on and grit my teeth to december,it'll be ok. but i just don't have the stamina and grace for it.

once again, i overloaded my plate and need some deliverance and assistance. i made myself miserable when i could be smelling the roses and dancing with Jesus. i could be enjoying wedding prep instead of finding it a chore. i could be taking my time sorting out color schemes for the new home instead of asking the interior designer to 'just do whatever you like lah, i trust you'. i've been so flippant about a once in a lifetime affair and i think this is just not right.

this is not how i would want my marriage to be. i put in 200% for work because i just can't stand not having things well done. i have very little tolerance for shortfalls and it irks me to no end that my expectations (which i thought were very basic) can't bemet.

that might be ok but it's not the point. the point is, my marriage comes first and is on the top of the priority list. my relationship with isaac and isaac himself triumphs over all the other responsibilities.

between 9-6pm, i will work. after that, i will switch off work mode no matter how much i would like to dwell on a certain subject matter. it's also hard because from 9-6pm, i'm paid to work. but from 6pm onwards is when i pay myself to work (i have 2 jobs). but that will take the back burner for now, although i feel terribly guilty to my supplier and limit myself to 2 days a week of late nights.

next year will be the first year of our marriage. as we sort out and try to get used living with each other and various idiosyncracies, i also want to take more time out to prepare home cooked meals. i want to be able to finish the laundry so he will have nice pressed shirts for work.

i also want to finally be able to go on holidays with him. there are alot of friday/thursday public hols next year and we shd utilize them for short/long getaways. especially since his company is so generous with leave.

with the help of some friends and family, i've got it all sorted out. of coz, their advice would have fallen on deaf ears if i didn't pray it through.

but yesterday, throughout the course of the day, i received multiple confirmations pertaining to their common advice. there is truly safety in the multitude of counsellors. some of the messages were so strong i couldn't hide.

so i think now i know what to do. despite the fear. despite the inhibitions.

He is so good, so loving, so real.

Friday, August 22, 2008

forlorn

following the previous post..

it's really quite unfair that i get to travel to all these places when isaac doesn't. tomorrow, he gets to go to taiwan for a short holiday and i hope he has a lot of fun, albeit without me.

knowing me, i would be a sobbing mess. so, if you want to , please donate a kleenex. i just don't cope so well when we're apart.

i appreciate and am grateful that i have trotted around to many places in the world where many others have not been and to some other places, on a more regular basis. i cherish the opportunity to learn, take in sights and be exposed to different cultures (and food)etc.

years ago, beneath a starry sky in melbourne, i thought to myself that all these meansnothing if i don't have anyone to share it with, to take in all these with. these sights and wonders, need to be shared. i can't do much except capture photos. for me especially, it's terribly hard to be apart. i'm usually a sobbing mess before heading into departure lounge and the grief only slightly alleviates when i am distracted by duty free shopping.

we could be going on holidays together. doing all these together (especially after we started working and had more financial freedom then poor student days). but 2 decisions we made didn't allow us to.

1) we will not stay in the same room until we're married. as we never got around to finding out couple friends who would holiday with us, and our single friends didn't feel too comfortable...no holiday.

2) we decided to get married. 2-3 years into working. so it meant every dispensable cent went into wedding/house fund.

i'm glad we will soon be able to share a room. and even if it means we can't go to many exotic places, it'll still be ok. more than ok. i'll still be so happy and blessed. as long as we're together.

i miss him so much already.

Frivolous

Paris

attractions:check out moulin rouge, champ elysee (which can't pronounce), eiffel tower
food: i think i'm going to starve. hate french food. hate bread.
shopping: fashion capital is not going on discount anytime soon. so out.

Cologne:
attractions: some chocolate factory. others say nil
food: i think i'm going to starve too. hate sausages.
shopping: land of birkenstocks

Amsterdam:
attractions: err
food: err
shopping: ??

Stockholm:
attractions: h&m
food: meatballs . i think i'll recover mildly from starvation
shopping: h&m. i can't buy a bed back from ikea.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

updates.

the part 2 of the brother saga was:

on the same day, later in the evening, my brother took the initiative to call the guy in trouble up. and he took the initiative to extend forgiveness. there's a lot that can't be revealed here but his little gesture saved the poor tormented soul from a lot of err..torment.

the next day, he even went to intercede with the principal for the guy in trouble and saved him from expulsion. through this, he also took the chance to share the gospel with the guy in trouble and introduce him to Jesus who can walk him through all these.

so i'm very proud of my 14 year old brother and will excuse his other brattiness for the week.

**
me: i feel fat
him: then there's just more of you to love lor.

**
me: i feel fat
sx: you're not fat lah, you're just flabby.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

enroute clementi-aljunied, aljunied-clementi

The violin
An instrument of melancholy
Producing tunes so heavy
They drown me

Im drunk in its lullabies
Unable to rouse from slumber
Resonating with my soul's cries
The violin continues
To wail pain that otherwise cant be expressed

**

Why is it

that after so many battles fought

between your fierce will and the meekness of your soul

It still hurts

And the exchanges are still so curt

Why is it

that after so many years

There’s still a gaping wound

Overflowing with unfound fears

Why is it

That it turned out the way it did

The end was so tragic

When the start was most romantic

Why is it

that after so much

You won’t let go

Of your emotional crutch

And you don’t move on

After he’s long gone

Are you not tired?

of this repeatitive rhapsody

It’s unfeeling cruelty and sordid mess

there’s nothing there for a princess

the harsh lash of words

run like a broken record

The cutting words haunt you down

Like a drawn sword

It’ll never return

the past will never disarm itself.

it has sworn enmity against you

to steal your future

the hurt can’t be undone

but the healing can begin

There are answers

Too many of them

To each 'why' you asked

Job asked why 181 times

God didn’t answer him once

He just made his end sweeter

And restored double

Let’s stop figuring why

And settle for ‘it’s not meant to be’

there's no treasure in the past
so lets be curious about the future
and see where blessings lay hidden
just turn your back on them all
and surf the waves again

never mind 'if the sun should refuse to rise'
or 'the moon doesn't hang in the night'
the tides WILL change
seasons do rearrange
98 degrees has come and gone
come on
move on.

Flashes

A friend once remarked that i was 'extremely unromantic'. We saw a gorgeous necklace costing 50k and i remarked that i'd rather buy a car than buy that. (back then i wasn't wedding planning crazily. now the money wld go to the house. forget car)

Contrary to popular belief by those who know me shallowly, i really dun care for these things. Perhaps its in this area im misunderstood, among many others.

Eg: One ex suitor once sent me a message, ' if i bought you ---- ,u'd probably go out for dinner with me, if i gave u ____ u'd probably date me. But if i gave u my heart, u'd just think im cheap.'

(you know me best when u can rightly guess what i'll do with money.)

I also wanto be known for who i really am. And to be loved as imperfect as i am and not only be accepted when im perfected. Its terribly lonely without such 'soulmates' .And ive lost friends who can read me like a book and know me for what i truly am and anticipate my responses in every situation. Ive mourned the loss and theres yet to be restoration.

i cant say its ok or that i dont ache when i remember. Coz every friend is a irreplaceable gem to me.

**

today at approx 4pm, i thought i heard a voice that said 'go home'. I ignored it as it made no sense and i was happy today i had more 'free time" in the office to work on admin matters instead of being tied down by meetings.

Then i found out that while i was crunching orders for baby carriers, my brother was lying in Nuh as he was beaten up by a fellow classmate. This is not the first time the classmate has displayed unprovoked aggressiveness and this might be the final straw that may lend him in serious trouble with the law or have severe consequences in his future.

Noting that, my brother told his teacher that he has already forgiven his assailant and does not want to pursue this further. Im not sure if this is the wisest course of action as it might jeopardize others' safety. But what struck me is that the little brother i thought no more than bratty and spoilt could in his reduced state be putting others before himself, displaying compassion that i know can only come from His redeemed nature.

The brother shd be ok now but i pray that somehow god presides over this matter and not let my brother's blows go to waste. That somehow, this boy gets a taste of forgiveness and Jesus. That good will come out from this matter.

I hurt and ache for my little brother and my first natural action is to beat him up and a 1000 punitive measures conjred in my head as i rushed out of the office.

But deep down i think i know that He has a better plan hereafter and even this situation can be a platform for his glory to take off.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

national day celebrations

friends are coming over next saturday.

and i'm supposed to cook. it went something like this :

them: "eh dinner how? you cook ah"
me: if you dare to eat i dare to cook
Paul: Ok set!

me (semi regretting and mind racing): ok spaghetti is ok.

5 minutes later.

them: ok ah, so spaghetti ah
me: well, if it doesnt turn out the way i expected it to, then it might be bei jing la mien (hand made noodles)
paul: so its a surprise?!
me: yah. up to your own interpretation. might be fusion also.
roy: it could be spaghetti (i nod), la mien (nod) or ...mamee (?!?!)!

beauty

we all want beauty that can be seen. beauty that will possibly provoke envy, beauty that can turn heads. we want to look like a dream when we twirl in dresses.

but how about a beauty that can be felt? a beauty that may not turn heads but may turn the prodigals back home. a beauty that exudes goodness and evokes repentance. this might be way more accessible and far more eternal that the seen, which is all but temporary.

than we can skip the fad diets and live with our fat arms.

**
it may be hard for me to ever truly receive a compliment because i tend to brush it aside and let it fly over my head. i cannot ingest it fully and humbly receive because i doubt its authenticity at times. i'd also rather deny it because it is just so hard to believe because a false image of self is so well entrenched despite being taught well.

so thank God for isaac's one liner out of the blue today that reached so far down into an aching place i forgot existed. it's a dungeon for the soul.

"you don't have to be perfect to be loved'.

so there, with my failings and all, he is still around. Jesus really loves me through this man and demonstrates His everlasting mercies and kindness towards me through this vessel.

thank you.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

FBI wannabe

God sends friends to tell us that we are not alone and we can never make it alone.

so as i was wondering how to get through today, i was pleasantly surprised and rejuvenated by lunch sharing session with the colleague/friend. outpouring of words and sweat because it was like 37 degrees.

2 bottles of tea later and for her, 3, we're on a way back to work.

then it was for a store opening and at the party we met loads of familiar faces and learnt that genes can come in a very good pack. like some people can have good voice, good looks (from height to features) and be very rich and still be very nice and down to earth. seriously, this breed is not mythical and if a specimen is required, please let me know.

what happened to six degrees of separation? i think 4 is the new digit. party was ok but ive never been big on this. besides bag was too heavy and it was too hot. could do with more food though. am mildly embarassed by the flower we sent. i expected it to be bigger and better but aiyar, ok i learnt to always refer to catalogue instead of having sales personnel describe FLORAL arrangement to me over the phone.

have had a lot of unglam unflattering photos of thyself posted on facebook recently by friends. incriminating photos of me usually stuffing my face with food were taken during birthday dinner. just hope that none of those sort are caught on camera today. because i thought i remembered seeing a camera flash from the corner of my eye as i was eating lamb chop with my hands and said function.

as colleague/friend reminded me 'company reputation is at stake'. but lamb chop was so good. i was about to put lamb chop down and feel sheepish until i remembered that personal image was already questionable when i sat down beside her. the strong association already diluted whatever 'glamness' left in me.

and i'm still frying my brain with criminal minds and entertaining FBI fantasies. someone get me that ugly windbreaker that has FBI emblazoned in BRIGHT yellow on the behind.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

whee!

met up with adelene for dinner at coffee club at raffles place for her to pass me her wedding invite.

and as we were eating we heard this huge PIANGGGG sound. this poor guy walked right into the glass. i thought i found my long-lost twin. i had strange impulses to run up and toast him with my ice water.

but i noted my friend's esteemed down to earth auditor reputation and repressed my desires.

**

so now she's also getting married. which makes her the 5th in our batch. mgs class of 99 is really breakng the mgs trend with so many of us getting hitched relatively early. its like the year of mass marrying.

more to go in the next two few years.

and i think all who got married so early were 'surprises' as we weren't the kinds who always went on dates and all. (ok lah, me at least).

**
there's not much of me to start with today
but you can have it all
before the altar and the cross
12 keys lay
and i wonder who these are for

my next 24 hours
i lay them down before you
have every second
and inhabit them

i'll take the keys
unlock your presents
i won't bury them
like the unprofitable servant
you'd have wanted me to share

it's been a tiring day and i am spent
do not despise my 'widow's mite'
consume it with your holy fire
i know you count this at treasure

remind me please that life is more than this mundane drill
that my first ministry
should be you
sorry i've been a martha
sorry i'm presenting my leftovers
and not my first fruits

that's cain's first crime
i don't want it to be mine
please take the very best
not after i fry my brain with criminal minds.
even if its 5 loaves and 2 fishes
sorrows, worries and cares

You said be still and trust
my eyes tell me i'm gathering dust
tell me again you're on my case
tell me again that it's all by your grace
so i can quell the lies of my flesh
soak up your peace and find rest.

light the night sky with stars
send a fluffy cloud my way
let the moon smile at me tonight
tell me in every possible way
that i am your beloved.

but i guess the best possible way
is to still take me to the cross
to revisit the gruesome sight
where you hung and died

take me to the empty tomb
where you conquered death
fly me across the map
and stop me at heaven
at your throne
so i can jump on your lap

let me ride a unicorn
so i can beat the ERP
i won't have to worry about parking without poles
or if my cashcard has money

i'll be spinning with joy
and float like casper
i'll be dancing on water

till my fantasy ends.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Circumcised

"you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same"

and that gives me courage and strength to accept myself.

**
the past three days have been nothing short of awesome. It's been awhile since i saw, dreamt and heard and had it confirmed. did heaven invade earth or what? the details were so clear,the glory was so strong. the love was so compelling. i cringed, cried, fell while He undid me only to raise me up again. knots were undone within my soul as freedom coursed through my spirit.

my heavenly husband is at hand. as He came, i knew he wanted something from me and i struggled to relinquish my rights to be angry, the wrongs done to me.

I wanted to run out and shout it out. "don't cast your pearls before swine'' and my heart grieved, knowing that they'll trample on them.



I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up
and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool'
Cause I've finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
You needed me
You needed me

--Anne Murray, "you needed me"

Thursday, July 17, 2008

observations

bones is my new fascination. save. me from wanting to join FBI.

isit a coincidence the two institutions in trouble now are both initialized as F.M? fannie may and freddie mac. what cute names. now the feds have to rescue them.

i'm not trivializing here. it's serious and we're all in trouble if they go down but its just my humble observation and i think i finally mastered the art of being cool and not lapsing into kancheong spider mode.

whee!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

thoughts of the week

this dangerous cocktail of emotions inside me. i want to puke it all out.
i want to stick my head out above the water to breathe. to remember, to live.

yesterday was one very happy day. we had the bestest of time together and i returned home feeling so blessed and rich. and we didn't even do anything special, check out any good food. we just..were together. i wish i wouldn't allow distractions and lesser things to cloud my vision of life and judge the quality of the life i now live. because really, it is quite very fantastic. possibly the best its ever been. but yet i struggle with the lamentations, the bad attitudes and habits of the past. worst of all, the occasional bouts of heaviness that just leaves me so weary.

i want to be faithful too. to react with Grace and with Jesus when the heat is turned on. yet, its the stinking flesh that permeates my spirit. i find it inspiring to witness the lives of people who have stayed faithful throughout in the face of severe trials, unquestioningly, determinedly and steadfastly. everyone will transit out of the trial at some point- but with what? with grace or bitterness? hurt or hope?forgiveness or brokenness?

there is more ugliness in me than i thought was possible to inhabit a human spirit. but i take solance and refuge in Jesus. this is all i have and thankfully all i need.

i want to embark on a pilgramage of sorts. to clear the ears and eyes of my soul to gain new perspectives, to hear His whisper in the cool of the day again. and i'm realizing its no longer restricted to going on some personal retreat and isolating myself from everything i've known. this is a luxury i'm denied now but God is still gracious. it's being aware in the everyday of Him, seeing His invisible hand at work and trusting in His promises of old.

it's cliche and has been repeated to death but maybe it's really all that simple.

the cares of this life are many. distractions are plentiful..that steal my heart and soul and time away from the one who loves me the most. i can't cling on to these lesser things, these little deadweights add up and soon, i'm stuck. it's time to cut off these chains and run till i'm soaring again and let the wind take me. its a destiny at stake and i'm not available for compromise.

so many ruined have passed me by. so many who have lived but merely exist today. so many detours and u turns. so hard to stay on the right track. to be who He made me to be.

i love hanging out with people who are real. upfront about who they are, their struggles and pains. to let me know this is not stepford. that i'm not alone. i love it more when i see them triumph, in a world that is hostile to righteousness and justice and repels the name of Jesus. i love it. that even in deep persecutions, their glory remains unabated and sometimes, it's like i can just see the beautiful crown set aside for them at the end of their race.

and i want to be numbered among them.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

5th duckobell

yay! we hit the 5th year and this is the last duckobell we're celebrating whereby we have to say goodbye at the end of the eveningand head home separately.

so this year we decided to do something different (and very low budget). not fancy dinners at ritz, no fancy presents (ok, that's not new) etc. we decided to take a trip back down memory lane and relive what happened on the very first duckobell day, 5 years ago.

so after work we headed for dinner at wherewe had our first unromantic date: far eastplaza and ate at the same eatery but different table and more dishes this time. it is the green signboard new station 'restaurant' and we had zi char. back then, we were poor hungry students and couldn't afford to order much. it would have been romantic if we even shared the same bowl o claypot rice but of coz that didnt happen because no 1) we werent that poor and no 2) we were xinying and isaac and we just don't share food.

so we ate heartily and i'm glad to say that 5 years from that very first 'date', isaac didnt pick his teeth infront of me. so that was good.

after that, we headed to wisma which would always have a special placeinour hearts coz thats where we really really began, outside the toilet. there he first asked me 'err so are you my gf'. this is by now infamous coz i in my flabbergasted state back then told everyone that i found the most unromantic guy in the world and yet fell in love with him.

so this time, he asked me the same question but the correct answer is 'no', as opposed to back then's 'HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THIS KIND OF QUESTION?!". because i'll be his wife in 5 mths!

so anyways, the long in short is that we had a great time eating , reminiscing and thanking God for his faithfulness because we so nearly didnt make it.

so there, thank you dear Father. for duckobell . for your goodness. for your faithfulness. for each other. MUAH.

**
looking in the mirror...
me: urgh. i'm so not cool. so unglam. and smelly (From the food fumes at far east).
him: it's ok. coz if you were cool, we won't be compatible.

good point.

**
walking past bang and olufsen...we decided it sounded like a car accident.

BANG! O! Lu Sen (the seatbelt!)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Rs

Not reduce, reuse and recycle.
Regrets/rewind

the most painful word established in the english vocabulary.

Many times, i want to hit myself and wish very hard that i could just the time back by those few minutes to right the wrong and better that moment. but its all futile. that has never and will never materialized.

the trap to get me stuck in the 'if only's of life keeps me from advancing to the best and unlimited that the future offers. my best years are not behind me, neither is it now. its infront. i hope to still be saying this when i'm 70, 80. it'll always be ahead. never behind.

i might have done better in that moment on hindsight. but i'll never have the moment back. i can only seize the next one.

*
Revenge

i want to hit back and right my own wrongs done to me. and i know i have the claws like wolverine, hidden but mighty. i know i can scratch them alive and make them eat their words. i know my words can tear much down and i've been strugglign to bridle them. to let go of my rights and let God. to leave Him to be the judge and to absolve myself in this situation.

it goes against everything that i am. the one who will fight. i am now called to be meek and to submit my 'predicament' to Him even when injustice was done towards me. the only battle i am called to now is the battle against my flesh.

i can be antagonistic and ruthless. but i'm struggling not to be. because some time ago, i signed my life away to be His follower, bearing up the cross to walk the talk. now i have to love my enemies through the love shed abroad. and this year, i've been challenged endlessly to love the painfully unloveable even as they unrepentantly choose to sin against me. just as I have sinned against my God but have gained forgiveness.

now, all i really desire is grace to keep forgiving despite the unrelentless tide of offense. maybe they really don't know what they do. and i leave my interests in His palm, knowing somehow, all this will pan out for His glory and He will take care of me.(before i give up and take care of them.)

*
Respite

Bangkok provided a great respite for me from the bustle of life. i enjoyed being away, being uncontactable (somewhat) and being with my good friend, who painstakingly put up withmy messiness and tardiness when she suffers from an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

(so in the end she had to pack for me by sorting out my stuff properly while i was previously throwing and dumping and then attemptign to sit on luggage to close it). I appreciate the carefully and thoughtfully planned itinery that even gives us a 1 hr break and everything so so much and the patience when i said i'll nap 15 minutes but zonk out for like 1 hr and the bag shopping.

and the list goes on.

this trip also unveiled another thing. that i look very local and thai. it's not just the clothes (because i look sloppier than the street hawker) but that i just look thai. people actually express genuine surprise when i say i'm not thai.

this has to serve a purpose. besides being able to get better bargains because tourists usually get ripped off, maybe it'll help meto assimilate better during ministry/mission trips. but it'll take quite a miracle for me to remotely master the sing song thai language lah.

i'm thankful for it and i think i came back better. more ready to take the problems thrown head on. i think that if not for the break i might have really broken down emotionally,mentally and physically because of the sheer stress of everything. i want to go back one day. i see it. not just for teh shopping but i want to visit the slums with physical and spiritual provisions from heaven and reclaim some territory back for my Lord.

prepare for my return, thailand.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

world and personal transitions

is the media in love with Obama or what? but i can understand why. i'm a fan too. i try to be objective and try my bestest to restrain me to denounce the other candidates but this man really won me over in so many ways.

Now i'm just waiting to see what he'll say concerning zion and after that it pretty much seals my vote. as if i get to vote. but well at least i'm committed to praying God's choice into the white house.

its not the good looks as some of his detractors like to expound on that kept me spell bound. there's so much more from fund raising methods to governanceof his campaigning committee etc. everything he does is so unprecedented and fresh (no wonder they denounce him for being inexperienced). if this is what inexperience is about, i'm all for it.

joshua was quite inexperienced in leading the people into the promised land but he was God's choice. i think this signals something very new in the world. i'm ready for America's first black president. I'm ready for the eagle to soar again and turn the tide around and soar so high against the boarish bear and the proud dragon. *oops*

**
i've been so greatly fatigued lately with packing and just thinking about the things that lay ahead. there seems to be no respite which is why i'm so looking forward to rest.

2008 really bullet sped past me and yes although we're only in june, i can sniff december already. it's round the corner.

being thrust and vascillated endlessly between the present and the future so often rendered me somewhat an amnesiac towards history. my packing uncovered adventures of the past and the highlight really was pictures of the past. sadly, i don't have many of myself in mgs and pjc but those i had made me laugh (and cringe).

i'd like to think i was never THAT dorky but the picture evidence spoke strongly against me. it brought me back down memory lane while i revisited old friendships in those pictures and the naivety that characterized that age. i liked the innocence that was associated with it and remember the petty squabbles with friends.

the photos charted the course i've taken and the long wayi've come. it's such an amazingness seeing how God operated on me bit by bit and how much more He'll take me. and i'm so blessed and proud that many from those photos are still present in my life today. i consider that true treasure and am a firm believer that how rich you are is often quite defined by your relationships. when i think about th epeople i've been blessed with and how our friendships have endured the ages and transcended so much, i do think i'm very rich.

when i'm married and have household obligations (like cooking and ironing), i'll miss many things of singlehood. and while i enter a different phase which many of my friends aren't inaugarated into yet, i have the faith that while our activities differ, our friendship will remain and continue to get better with age. as with eachtransition, somethings have to go to make way for the new.there'll probably be no more sleepovers which is something we left behind in the 20th century. and we might end up bonding in the aisles of supermarkets as we ponder over which brand of washing powder provides the best value of money instead of the fitting room where we ponder over 'which pair of jeans doesn't make my butt look fat and my legs long'.

nah, i'm kidding. my friends thankfully are more than shopping buddies (they are eating kakis too, esp mei ling and shuxin). there is more that we talk about and i like it that we can bare ur hearts and bear each other up. (until i get so irritating they all explode.but i secretly enjoy exasperating them)

i can't take all along with me as i transit from singlehood to marriage. i'm leaving my soft toys, books and some other relics behind. and my wilfuness, rights and pride to begin my covenant that will stretch eternity .

Sunday, June 08, 2008

my technological milestones

1996-hotmail account set up. by mei ling (i've since progressed to yahoo/gmail)
1997- irc set up by mei ling
1997-icq set up by cali (which i ended up using for a looong time even when all of you abandoned me for msn!)
2005-msn. by this thankfully comes with windows live.
2004-blogger set up by cali
2005-friendster set up by cali
2006-flickr set up by cali.
2008-facebook set up by cali, wedding photos uploaded by cali, snapfish set up by cali
1996-? mei ling records all my missed episodes of tv shows. because even if i had a vcr, i wouldn't know how to use it.


what will i do without my friends?
live in a cave.with dinosaurs.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

i will never be a model

for more reasons than one.

1)i'm uber unprofessional and i hate posing posing posing. the photographer said that unlike couples who want more more more pictures to milk their money's worth, i'm like 'ok, this is so hard, ok let's go!lament lament''

2)in her words, i'm ''pose like robot'' -stiff.

3)i don't take instructions very well.
eg: from far, "xinying!!show your flowers!!!"
me: "huh?!?!"
isaac behind me "SHOWWW your flowers at her!!"
me (bewildered that they asked me to throw the flowers but willing obeyed' threw the bouquet at the photographer. and hit her face.

photographer: "i'm gg to vomit''
2 interpretations of that line : i'm so exasperated i'm gg to vomit, you hit me so hard i'm gg to vomit (the bouquet has a long hard stick below)

4)you already know this by now...i'm clumsy.

up the stairs: trips and falls X4 among other things.

**
special thanks to calista teo...who went the extra mile for her clumsy friend literally. and who ended up being more tired than on a workday for me. and she did so cheerily and so lovingly! gah!!huggg!

the ah goonbride signs out.
thank you!!!!!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

doing better next time

"I will confide this to you: One of my greatest disappointments and a grief that I carry is to have watched some of the most spiritually-gifted people fail, backslide, and bury the great gifts that they were given. Because my calling is to build people, the "talents" I have been entrusted with are the people. Though I understand that God has given people freedom to make their own choices, I still carry a grief for those who fail. I cannot help but to wonder what I could have done to prevent this.
Don't feel sorry for me or try to alleviate this feeling because it is basic that with authority comes responsibility, and I am not concerned with feeling better as much as I am with doing better. The only way that I will feel better is to see improvement, and I think that we are, but I also do not want to just sweep our failures under the rug. I want to learn everything I can from them so I can do better with the people the Lord entrusts to us. "

-Rick Joyner, morningstar ministries.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

thinking aloud.

"The Bible is not the record of people following the rules and grabbing the blessing. The Bible is a record of grace breaking into people's lives—usually in the form of suffering—who otherwise would never have been able to overcome their own corruption and brokenness."

Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian church.

wah, solid.

**
on another note, i'm thinking wedding (finally, i know i know) so here's thinking aloud and i appreciate comments/advice/volunteers but please don't have major debate etc.

bridesmaid's dresses
cut: ok since all of you want different things and i so don't want cookie cutter , i let you all decide.
it must be matching but ie: no polka dots and bold colors. same color theme will be good.
if you all have trouble getting it off the rack, cut it out of the magazine and we see what a tailor and arab street cloth suppliers can do.


registration
i need 4? including treasurer. isaac wants some of his friends there also.

annabelle?jon?joana?zijuan?adelene? ok that's 5. haha, isaac's friends will do ushering then. or bouncers. wah jon is a lucky guy.

jon has also volunteered to do a song and dance solo but i'm gently declining that gracious offer.

Emcees
cali and niq. so you all need to meet soon with me to discuss. i want to vet script because niq has incriminating stuff that constitutes as blackmail material.

overall coordination
maria .

speech
shuxin

worship team
isaac's people are taking care of this

my cell grp shd be involved. ok, they can prepare special non embarassing item.

and of course, last but not the least
oxygen tank-mei ling!

screening of montage/projector:
someone techy. joel?

wedding car driver:
isaac's friend ben?

the rest of the committee, i know almost all got private transport but i appreciate car pooling (ie. all my bridesmaids livein bukit timah!!) because we must do our part to save the environment.
(what i actually mean is parking is tight)
that's all, what am i missing?

ok then i'll organize a get together since all of you are from everywhere and we need to play stupid ice breakers to get some real synergy going here! nobody is allowed to bond by sharing weird stories about me.wah, come to think abt it these are the major grps: mgs, nhps, pj,new creation, cornerstone. and all are coincidentally christian.good.i like christian army.

isaac's friends will take care of worship, ushering, gate crashing (so you all must hold the fort!) etc.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Plea

The Lord has to divorce me from disappointed hope and help me to transcend above the pitfalls of despair to trust again. I admit my doubt and unbelief and I lay them at the foot of the cross. (and not take them back)I've struggled and crucified them a thousand times over and have no victory. I handing it over now for Him to enforce Hisvictory, their defeat over my soul.

Reclaim me for Yourself only Lord and consecrate me for Your purposes.

The distractions and trappings of wealth are very real but I know He understands and doesn't despise my weaknesses.

Sever the memory and tauntings of a history that included a time of seeming unanswered prayer and restore and baptize me again in simple childlike trust and faith.

For nothing else inherits and accesses Him more than a child like faith. And that is what I want. To please Him

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

dashing to the altar!

ok.

somehow i have to find time to collect keys, renovate the house and move out of one house into another FAST.

july will be a 'relak' month with 3 birthdays and 1 anniversary and alot of yays.

then come aug, what is 20% tentative and 80% sure is new york. then baby fair for 21 days.

then sept, it'll be alot of time in the skies as we head paris, cologne and stockholm.

then i'll be back and be dashing all the way to the altar. with my wedding planner and train in tow. which means i have to decide on dresses and other things. like digging up photos for montage, guestslists, speeches etc.

then after that, i just want to collapse and rest.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

from miss l to mrs q

i hate being away from isaac. i've said this before and i have repeated this at least 10000 times but it remains unchanged.

i told him so but he thinks i'm just being clingy and 'dependent'. oh well, too bad then. i will stick like superglue and he better get used to it come dec 27th.

i like it then when i forget my sunglasses and can't take the glare, he will put his hands over my eyes so that there is effectively no glare (infact, there is no vision) and he'll just take my hand and lead me. well, we must look quite ridiculous to the rest of the world but it's ok, we're safe and snug in our own.

and when i go 'my shoulders are ugly' when looking at my reflection in the glass panel, he covers them with his arms, hugging me from behind so that i see instead that i'm loved. and know this: in just one man's eyes at least in this world of too many, i'm beautiful.

just about 7 mths more and its time to ponder over guestlists and get my bridesmaids some clothes. or likei said, buy cloth from arab street with safety pins. haha.

and in 7 mths, we'll no more be sending air kisses over the phone at 11pm every weekday night. we'll transit over to the world of real goodnight kisses! (and he'll be my slave forevermore! ) oops.read: wives submit to your husband ..(bible page 1015 aka 1 Peter 3:1)

we'll end our 5 year long distance upp changi east and west coast crescent relationship and move into the era of strathmore avenue.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Remembering Maria Sue

ending a cycle.

when death comes prematurely, we all mourn the loss of 'what could have been'.

this week,death struck twice. once, near home but a lot less tragic for it was a life well lived and spanned over 8 decades.

Esther, (isaac's grandma) and a future grandmother in law for me went home into the arms of Jesus on thursday, 22nd May.

While we all shed a tear coz we missed her, we laughed at her 'so cute' antics like how she would clap and sing along to 'beautiful sunday' and always went 'oh dear dear dear ' in her signature Esther style.

she was a cheerful vibrant spunky ah ma and got habitually distracted by nice pretty things. the vanity vein did not miss her, like most of her female counterparts and she fussed over her hair to make sure that it was freshly dyed, in the same vain hope to conceal that she was a grandma of over 8 decades old.

all in all, she was loved, cherished and cared for. and now, she joins her heavenly husband, our lord Jesus and her earthly husband, Donald together with her firstborn, Mary in heaven.

**
news from further away but harder to bear that evoked a greater 'grief reaction' however came in the form of Maria Chapman's sudden demise due to a tragic car accident. this little Chinese girl escaped probable female infanticide or a fate much worse as she was adopted from China into a loving, Christian American home.

just 10 days after her 5th birthday, for reasons I can't fathom but can't stop pondering over, she returned to her heavenly home.

this news hit me hard and the frustrations of a regular work day just faded into oblivion as new grief dominated my thoughts. it's the 'whys' and the imagining of the pain her family must be going through etc etc that raced endlessly through my mind.

i don't have the answers but i know Maria today is with Jesus and that is a mighty comfort. How many people can say that of their children? they may have lived a successful illustrious life in all earthly measures but at the end of the cycle, if it doesn't lead to Jesus, it is all futile. all nothing. zilch. even heaven is nothing without Jesus.

someday, the answers will come and death will be no more. someday, in the heavenly courts where praises ring and families reunite, all the tears will be no more. but until that someday, His grace and comfort be our sufficiency. His presence, Himself be our all in all.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

perilous times

" For we know that the whole creation has been groaning togethe in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies"

Romans 8: 22-23

myanmar cyclone. sichuanearthquake. philippines typhoon. sumatra earthquake.

what next?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

in Christ alone

will i glory.
if i didn't update any longer, this would rust. this blog was started to document Him in my life and the recent event,though not spectacular deserves an entry.

i never thought it was possible and i berated myself over the course of preparing (and fretting) as to why i did this. this was completely my own initiative and i had no one to blame and despite knowing i had close to no human resource (but not realizing the scale it would eventually be), i charged ahead.

even if this was my swansong, i think it concluded very nicely. i never thought i could even do it since i have close to zero coordination skills and am uptight, perfectionistic and terribly short-handed. but i guess, in everything, this is true: God + me = majority and nothing is impossible if i have Him.

He was truly the invisible hand behind the event. there was nothing spectacular but all i would say complimented the event (although i don't know if it was out of courtesy) because of the intangible aspects. this was the warmth, the laughter, the fine balance between presentation and relaxation. i had no control over these aspects no matterhow much i planned and its the general dynamics of the crowd that caused the event to be successful. and for that, i only have Him to credit as He mingled invisibly in the crowd as the chief host and servant.

He was the first person I invited and I'm so glad He showed up. otherwise, I'd be left with just me and a very sad show. prior to the event, i was assaulted by thoughts of terrible 'what ifs' such as if no one turned up etc.

all in all, i watched in awe as how everything i didn't plan panned out and all my blind corners covered by His dedication. and most of all, i'm so grateful He held me together. in the multitude of my anxieties, He truly comforted my soul and strengthened me both physically and emotionally.

I just pray that the eyes of those who have yet to encounter Him will see Him. I can't quite say 'thank you' when a compliment is served because i know i just can't take credit for this. Nobody knows how i could barely hold together and how much I wanted to give up. Nobody knew the wreck i was or imagined the loser i could be if He was not on the scene. Not just for this event, but life itself.

I just pray, that when i say 'praise God', 'Jesus blessed this', 'my prayers were answered', that it would be a little seed of His glory germinating in their heart that will erupt into more evidences of His future manifest glory. i'm not trying to be modest. i'm only being truthful.

I just pray that they'll see beyond me. and if they can't, i would be sorely disappointed and sorry for inadvertently robbing the glory of my best friend.

i've been thinking over the past few days and one reason why i was sorely disappointed and disheartened with work/career is that i always wanted my job to not just be a job but a ministry. that God can through me change conditions to better the lives of people, to change people, to touch hearts, to be the glove for His hand to work through to yield results to bless the company.

i want to sow a seed of His person in human hearts, be a friend /intercessor to those who don't know Him and be a runway for His glory to take flight so that His name can be exalted.

i want to make money. not so that isaac and i can live like a king but so that we can serve more people with this money and meet all our needs. at the risk of sounding overly altruistic and drawing glory to myself, do note that none of these desires have bore fruit. and that is why, i'm here at this fork in the road wondering and wandering.

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And only by His strength I've overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes

Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies would not equal
To the grace on which I stand

"in Christ alone"