epiphany

i've been an insommiac for nearly 3 nights already. and it's a real pain. life has been threatening to burn me out and i really don't know how to cope. i keep thinking that as long as i soldier on and grit my teeth to december,it'll be ok. but i just don't have the stamina and grace for it.

once again, i overloaded my plate and need some deliverance and assistance. i made myself miserable when i could be smelling the roses and dancing with Jesus. i could be enjoying wedding prep instead of finding it a chore. i could be taking my time sorting out color schemes for the new home instead of asking the interior designer to 'just do whatever you like lah, i trust you'. i've been so flippant about a once in a lifetime affair and i think this is just not right.

this is not how i would want my marriage to be. i put in 200% for work because i just can't stand not having things well done. i have very little tolerance for shortfalls and it irks me to no end that my expectations (which i thought were very basic) can't bemet.

that might be ok but it's not the point. the point is, my marriage comes first and is on the top of the priority list. my relationship with isaac and isaac himself triumphs over all the other responsibilities.

between 9-6pm, i will work. after that, i will switch off work mode no matter how much i would like to dwell on a certain subject matter. it's also hard because from 9-6pm, i'm paid to work. but from 6pm onwards is when i pay myself to work (i have 2 jobs). but that will take the back burner for now, although i feel terribly guilty to my supplier and limit myself to 2 days a week of late nights.

next year will be the first year of our marriage. as we sort out and try to get used living with each other and various idiosyncracies, i also want to take more time out to prepare home cooked meals. i want to be able to finish the laundry so he will have nice pressed shirts for work.

i also want to finally be able to go on holidays with him. there are alot of friday/thursday public hols next year and we shd utilize them for short/long getaways. especially since his company is so generous with leave.

with the help of some friends and family, i've got it all sorted out. of coz, their advice would have fallen on deaf ears if i didn't pray it through.

but yesterday, throughout the course of the day, i received multiple confirmations pertaining to their common advice. there is truly safety in the multitude of counsellors. some of the messages were so strong i couldn't hide.

so i think now i know what to do. despite the fear. despite the inhibitions.

He is so good, so loving, so real.