at the end of the line, this is what i discover

i feel so utterly discouraged sometimes i don't even want to wake up.

i think the despair crept in this week and i allowed it to invade with little or any resistance. i could hold the fort no longer and i just allowed my defences to crumble. the pressure is so intense at time i literally caved in. doubts, questions reeled endlessly in my mind and i lost sight of who He is, whose i am and my eternal promises sealed by the blood of Jesus with a covenant that cannot fail.

i need yet another miracle. soon. because patience and time failed me.

surrounded by so many lies but the one who CANNOT lie lives in me. (heb 6) thats the most comforting truth i've heard thus far and i just pray i have the patience and fortitude to 'hang in there' and watch it all come to pass. i've truly lost sight of everything that i thought i was so focused on. i've been nothing but a rebellious tantrum-filled child reeling accusations against a father who refuses to defend Himself.

and yet He waits, for me to tire out to be completely worn out from those hissy fits. and then i hear his endless whispers of comfort to my frazzled soul. i resist them yet again. because i'm still angry. because i'm still trapped in these circumstances that weigh so heavily on my tiny shoulders. i feel his presence overwhelm me. his endless comfort in such a tangible palpable way. yet i still doubt.

i can almost see this scenario happening in the near future even though its a scenario repeated only too often in the past. me, dissolved by goodness that i don't deserve bawling my eyes out because of this gift of mercy and grace and being utterly ashamed of myself. i oso see Him picking me up again and forgiving me. inspite of it all.

its sad but i believe its not just me. we identify His goodness only by a breakthroughs in natural circumstances such a good buy, a windfall, a promotion or anything that allows life in this world to be 'better', (by this world's lousy standards of course) its the original temptation in Eden and i believe its the devil's trump card..to make us doubt God's goodness.

the serpent had to make eve doubt if God was truly good and suggested the possibility that God might be withholding something from her. the doubt sank in deep enough in those few moments that changed the fate of mankind forever for her to partake of the forbidden fruit.

today i realise that inspite of this bleak circumstances, His goodness is and CANNOT be confined to the natural circumstances that are ever so volatile, especially in these turbulent last days. His goodness may manifest in natural circumstances but it does not stop there. It's the heart of God that is the epitome of His goodness. Its His heart towards us, His endless thoughts towards us, His love that compelled Him to send His only begotten son.

just 22 days more.

the song that made me bawl.
the song that made me realise i need to share it with someone
the song that reminded me that i still have a blog (dusty as it is) so i can conveniently share.
the song that means so much.
the song that reminded me that i am His. His child. as orphaned as i feel sometimes

thank you so much mei ling. this must be one of the best christmas presents ever. ranking close after the gift of Jesus himself. you truly know me best.

john 14:18 "I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you."

All I really want
well, I don't really know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green glannel shirt
you may not have seen me, i was standing off alone

I didn't come and talk to you cause that's never worked before
and youll probably never see this letter, anyway
but just in case there's something you can do to help me out
i'll ask you one more time

all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
a shoulder to cry on if i lose, shoulders to ride on if i win
there's so much i could ask for, but there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas, is a family

well, i guess i should go ahead and tell you now
if it's really true about the list you have
somehow i always seem to end up in a fight
but i'm really trying hard not to be bad

but maybe if i had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
maybe they could teach me how to get along
and from everything i've heard it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
would be a mom

all i really want for christmas is someone who'll be here
to sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
and it's ok if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
that's all right cause so am i

well i guess i should go, its almost time for bed
and maybe next time i write you i'll be at home
cause all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
tell me i'll never be alone, someone who's love will never end
of all that i could ask for, well, there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas is a family.

-all i really want-
steven curtis chapman

visit www.ShaoeyandDot.com to win an autographed copy of 'A Christmas Miracle' by Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman.

visit www.howtoadopt.org because i think you should.

all that said and done, i'm still up for adoption.