at the end of the line, this is what i discover

i feel so utterly discouraged sometimes i don't even want to wake up.

i think the despair crept in this week and i allowed it to invade with little or any resistance. i could hold the fort no longer and i just allowed my defences to crumble. the pressure is so intense at time i literally caved in. doubts, questions reeled endlessly in my mind and i lost sight of who He is, whose i am and my eternal promises sealed by the blood of Jesus with a covenant that cannot fail.

i need yet another miracle. soon. because patience and time failed me.

surrounded by so many lies but the one who CANNOT lie lives in me. (heb 6) thats the most comforting truth i've heard thus far and i just pray i have the patience and fortitude to 'hang in there' and watch it all come to pass. i've truly lost sight of everything that i thought i was so focused on. i've been nothing but a rebellious tantrum-filled child reeling accusations against a father who refuses to defend Himself.

and yet He waits, for me to tire out to be completely worn out from those hissy fits. and then i hear his endless whispers of comfort to my frazzled soul. i resist them yet again. because i'm still angry. because i'm still trapped in these circumstances that weigh so heavily on my tiny shoulders. i feel his presence overwhelm me. his endless comfort in such a tangible palpable way. yet i still doubt.

i can almost see this scenario happening in the near future even though its a scenario repeated only too often in the past. me, dissolved by goodness that i don't deserve bawling my eyes out because of this gift of mercy and grace and being utterly ashamed of myself. i oso see Him picking me up again and forgiving me. inspite of it all.

its sad but i believe its not just me. we identify His goodness only by a breakthroughs in natural circumstances such a good buy, a windfall, a promotion or anything that allows life in this world to be 'better', (by this world's lousy standards of course) its the original temptation in Eden and i believe its the devil's trump card..to make us doubt God's goodness.

the serpent had to make eve doubt if God was truly good and suggested the possibility that God might be withholding something from her. the doubt sank in deep enough in those few moments that changed the fate of mankind forever for her to partake of the forbidden fruit.

today i realise that inspite of this bleak circumstances, His goodness is and CANNOT be confined to the natural circumstances that are ever so volatile, especially in these turbulent last days. His goodness may manifest in natural circumstances but it does not stop there. It's the heart of God that is the epitome of His goodness. Its His heart towards us, His endless thoughts towards us, His love that compelled Him to send His only begotten son.