Migraine war strategy

P/s: note electric currents running through. What was bit shown in picture is my involuntarily throbbing forehead.

3 day on-off battle with migraine

Not won yet.

My small heart

I think my heart is so small I have no room to accommodate the ever burgeoning throngs of people that push at the borders.

I was just telling Isaac this morning about how I feel so liberated and free when I'm completely myself without any consideration that I'll be judged or misinterpreted. I rarely fear men's opinion hence the choice of the word "consideration" and I realized after so many years, I'm back to just the same handful of people. The same ones all along.

A rare number have been added to this core group but they are far and few between. And I realize I'm really quite incapable of missing anyone when there's absence. My heart is a nomad and it takes too much for someone to take up permanent residency there.

I miss the same few, stay fiercely loyal to the same few and run to the same few everytime I need a dose of home, tenderness and friendship.

And I think that's what keeping me here. Coz I'm spent casting my pearls before swine and communicating myself to too many.

Speechless

Today someone shared with me about a 12 year old's last hours on earth and how the lord visited her and her family.

Left me speechless.

Mourning

I do not know you Troy Davis but I mourn your death. I do not know for certain if you were innocent but the trial served to you failed many times over to prove your guilt.

I hope you found Jesus somewhere along your earthly sojourn and is now safe in Jesus arms.

I hope your family finds comfort and solace knowing that He who justifies has the final unequivocal say.

I hope that the justice system is repaired. No one is safe when the trial is this unfair and allows a jury to take away your life without substantial proof of your guilt.

I think we made murderers out of them even as they sought to nail the murderer in the name of upholding justice.

I am still in two minds about the death penalty but I'm definitely for a fair and just criminal justice system. Shoddy detective work be damned. A life could have possibly been robbed and sadly, I font think you're the last of many.

I'm outraged. But here I am, a single voice too many miles away and too minute to make a difference.

Rest in peace Mr Davies.

Sunset

Blue

Might be the hormones but I just want to cry over everything and eat up everything in sight now. Save me.

Close shave

If I wasn't swaddled in prayer and love, I would have been swaddled in a strait jacket.

Monday

Zzzz Zzz zzzzz Zzzz
Point taken.

Miss me

I have at least two "official＂appointments with God every week. Was just telling a colleague this week that I don't want to miss this appointment otherwise God will miss me and it struck me that I have a God that misses me when I have long absences from him! A sure indication I'm cherished precious and loved.

Only Christians can truly say that their God misses them for them and loves them in spite of them.

Hallelujah!

A decade

Sometimes it takes a landmark event to jolt one awake and mark the passage of time. At the risk of stating the obvious, time really does whiz by so insidiously. Unlike money which is tangible and can be earned back, time is irretrievable. Whoever said time=money was insulting time.

Ten years since that fateful day when the twin towers were struck and 3000+ lives were tragically extinguished in the span of an hour. I distinctly remember fretting over my Math paper for prelims (Sept 12th 2001) moments before I turned on the TV. Suddenly, the world came crashing down and I soon laid aside my books and was glued to the TV to witness helplessly as bodies flew out from the skies and imagining the dark grim last moments of so many others trapped inside.

Ten years later, I was still fretting, albeit over different issues. Work this week has been horrendous. Late nights and my colleague even worked till 12 am last night. She is still at work now and will be at work at 8 tomorrow. We are still far behind on schedule and I have to turn up really early to finish up. In anticipation of all these, I found myself fretting and anxious until I switched again the tv again and relived those moments. I am almost startled to find that my heart is so easily shaken and my priorities can still be so self-centred after a whole eventful decade. None the wiser, unfortunately.

Scenes, songs, emotions from 10 years ago resurfaced. My private thoughts are too lengthy to be transcribed here. The only way to surmise it all is that I am thankful I survived and He brought me through. As my friend aptly reminded me without knowledge of all these, He never once left me. Enduring faithfulness all the way.

I am learning to thank Him even for the journey, rough and dark as it might have been. And for the most part, I am thankful for who I am today. I've got a long way to go and the work is not finished but I'd much rather be who I am today then the naive girl I was. For this to happen, I had to go through all that I had to go through and I believe that there was no other way. He knew best.

New record

I did 7 hours of ironing today with 1 lunch break and numerous toilet breaks in between. All this time while my maid was ironing my clothes I was somewhere ironing 200 pcs of men's shirts.

Some recent thoughts

Been back from intense Amazing Race style Europe trip and I've been pretty much in an out of my semi-comatosed state for 2 days.

I cannot believe that just two months ago, I was in a semi-breakdown mode when I was tasked to do these crazy travelling stunts alone. Now, I just shrug it off and it doesn't stress me out half as much anymore. I still don't look forward to it and would rather do Asia (except India and Indon) anytime but it's fine.

Going around Europe made me think so much. Their growing poverty manifesting in beggars along high-street shopping belts are appalling. Train stations reek of the stench of urine. It's hard to imagine that just a century ago, they were the renaissance of culture and glory. Look how far the descent has been. It saddens me to think that now Europe is sending out distress signals when it once used to be so mighty and great, colonizing distant lands (including where I live), rich and strong.

The devil has robbed from them so so much yet I don't know when they'll wake up from their stupour. I walk along streets in the city past ''coffee shops'' and see people stoned and drunk. They wouldn't even have noticed if they were stabbed and robbed (if there was any money left in their packets) Their eyes are glazed over and lifeless. I'm sure they're still breathing but they might as well be dead. There is absolutely no difference. I wonder how long weed numbs the pain deep down or the semblance of filling up their emptiness. I feel so sorry and sad as I walked past rows and rows of young people staring at me stoned out.

Then there was their infamous red light district. While I tried to scurry past as fast as I could to get through to the main road where cabs are, I couldn't help but overhear some english speaking tourists discussing whether a certain girl is a virgin and worth the price they are paying for. I was so revulsed and seeing that they were standing at the edge of the canal, I was so tempted to push them in. On hindsight, it could be an oops thing and I could have saved a girl a night of misery.

Where is the church in all these sin and debauchery? What is God thinking and doing?

Oh Lord, clean up this mess. It is so filthy. Clean it all up and flush it all away. I pray that through these dire economic straits and desperation, people will turn to Christ and not assume they are christian just because they were either 1) baptised at birth or 2) their forefathers were Christians.

In the meantime, if there's anyone reading, I covet prayers that even while travelling and sojourning alone especially in the midst of all these, that I will be consumed by the conciousness of who I am in God and who I am to God. In short, let my conciousness of Him always be greater than that of anything else. Let Him be my all in all and my final authority.