Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Everything in its time-Corrine may

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you
The answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

All wrong

Me: did you notice anything different about me today?
Him: yah your left shoulder is higher than your right! You are wearing a new shirt!
Me: noo! My hair!!
Him (proceeding to touch my hair): yah, it's a bit warm.

Correct answer: I dyed my hair and curled the ends.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Fifth!

I got another call today! I'm starting to get really amazed and confused. I applied for nothing and this looks quite like it. I'm not sure if it'll pan out because I feel so under qualified.

Now the trick is to be still and rest. Let God orchestrate and choreograph my next steps.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Fourth

Right after I closed the door to one job yesterday, another came a knocking at my door today. Is the market so hot? I have never had so many job propositions without applying in such a short time. All the times I looked so hard for a job, nobody got back. 

This position is slightly more attractive. It is a maternity cover for someone but the remuneration is even more than my previous by 20%. 6 months. Maybe I can pull it off. The discussion is tomorrow. So we'll see. I don't want to be presumptuous and count my eggs before they hatched but this seems totally do-able and complies with all my conditions! I get to be mentally stimulated, not too stressed (it's a 6 month project afterall) and I still get to build my family! And did I mention they're offering 20% more? 



A little secret

Slept for 12 hours. Woke up during the morning thunderstorm but fell asleep soon after again.

Praise God!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I just said no again.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Let some stories end

Some time ago, my friend asked me why the industry I was in was fraught with so much drama. Back-stabbing politics and and tricky circus-like maneuvering of processes were part and parcel of a day's work. Needless to say, it was a drain emotionally, mentally and physically to constantly be on my guard to outwit, outsmart and outlast. I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse it is for others in other sectors like finance whereby it is manifold times worse. I shrugged at her question. I've been in there so long and my resume was built up on surviving these dramas. Where else can I go? There is no retreat option. While it took a toll on me in many areas, I generally enjoyed a job well done and a product well-launched. I lived for the thrill of successes translated into healthy profit margins. It was all I understood work to be and I could not imagine doing anything else for work.

However, with the years getting on, it is increasingly difficult to sustain this kind of work lifestyle and I was forced to look at other options which left me completely lost in a vacuum. I did not know what else I was qualified for and the thought of starting afresh in an unfamiliar (but perhaps friendlier) environment was daunting. I did not know normal. It did not exist in my work vocabulary all these years. I wondered how dysfunctional (me) and normal could co-exist. I might even upset others' work equilibrium.

After taking a long hiatus from work, I started thinking that maybe, just maybe it's ok to let that story of my life end completely. That I need not return to it. That I might actually be able to do something else. Entertained this thought for two days and counting and I started looking around different tabs on job portals to discover other avenues. Maybe I can decide that it will not be just the end of another chapter but a complete end to the story. Maybe after so many years of living on a roller-coaster, I can head for the "tea cup ride" of life and enjoy it.

That said, after a few applications for jobs outside the industry, NONE got back. Instead, I got yet another unsolicited proposition for a full-time role in a company based in Shanghai but extending its reach to SE Asia.

The jury is still out on whether the story will end or if it can take a sharp abrupt turn in direction and settle for a slower, less strenuous pace. Or perhaps, maybe after the grueling training, I can lie low and let the arrows fly swiftly over my head, unscathed.

We'll see.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Green-eyed monster

This is a confession.

There's this girl. I almost want her life.

I admire/envy (it's a very  fine line) more than those born with a silver spoon entrenched in their throats. She scored jobs with fancy big-name companies, flitted and lived in many big cities spanning across the globe. She earned fancy money, dated the same guy for more than a decade, settled down and now have two beautiful kids. While I don't know the details on how she got so ridiculously far and fast in all aspects of her life, she just managed to make it look like an absolute breeze. Now, she's a SAHM and from the looks of it, she doesn't worry the least bit about money.

Now, I know her. Not very well at all but I know she doesn't qualify to be wicked or evil. She's not even that aesthetically pleasing. Nice is the word. Pleasant and fun-loving. Almost normal. Every once in awhile, someone like that has to appear in your life to remind you that it seems so achievable. Why is it so hard for me then? It could have been me.

I caught myself before I descended further down the spiral of envy and turned a luminous shade of green. Yes, people who have seemingly enviable lives does not need to always 1) have unimaginable hardship or 2)be absolutely wicked. Time and chance can happen to all,even the girl next door. I wanted these things (who am I kidding? I still do). I had a semblance of it but God chose a different path for me. The stars were not aligned as such and why should I yearn for pastures that are seemingly green (again!) that are not mine? Because it is so much easier to look away from your own life, from the good you have. What a lie.

What I want maybe somewhat dissimilar to what God wants because my fleshly desires still live but that's when I surrender and say, "Not my will but Yours be done" and be contented and thankful for what has been given to me. My health, my family and the money we do have. Oh, and the friends. I am quite sure her friends can't top mine :).

So I slay the recurrent green-eyed monster again, put it to death and turn away. "In my life Your will be done" instead. I submit my desires to You. Even though we disagree. Because You love me. Because You know best. Because I'm called to be different. Because life is too short to be looking at her life and miss living my life.


Monday, April 08, 2013

Incomplete. Dozing off

So often I've tossed and turned in an hour like this wondering if I'll ever amount to anything great, hoping for grand events to sweep me off my feet.

And therefore so often I've been crushingly disappointed and attributed this to either God's inactivity and that He hears the prayers of others more than mine.

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Mosaic of my past for a masterpiece of my future

Haven't been this sick in almost forever. Now my nose and ears are both striking in unison and not allowing anything to pass through their appointed medium posts.

So much time has passed since the horrible events of 2012.

I thought with the physical closing of the chapter, I could be free of the complementary demons that accompany the grief and depression.

Till now, I still can't sleep unaided and in the dark. I still get fierce panic attacks that suggest a cardiac arrest instead. I've forgotten the grief so why is it so? Somewhere down there the pain from then has seeped so deep into the embers of my being taking up residence in my soul such that until God plumps it out with some extricate plumbing device or his own hands of love, there's no way to purge the pain that I've gotten accustomed to and made a home for itself where it did not belong.

So I find myself on this yet another sleepless night praying that He rebuilds as I hand over the broken boys to Him. I hope he forms a beautiful mosaic masterpiece so that each piece, once a testament to my failure and brokenness will instead be a jigsaw piece of a beautiful art. And let it be known that breaking the pieces incurred pain and tears. So much had to be sowed into the art project. So grateful God can use broken pieces.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Goodbye career

Yesterday while having tea with Chermaine, I got a call from a headhunter from somewhere in Europe propositioning me for a position as head of a department of a skincare company. For the uninitiated, that's my pet industry and it wouldn't be work but a hobby. Ideas flow freely and even the mundane chores are sprinkled with life because it is the apple of my eye.

Then he said this job requires frequent travelling. 4 days a week for 3 weeks a month. Korea, Hong Kong (yay!), south easy Asia.

Then I looked at Chermaine and nobody knows how hard it was for me to say no to that. I had to remind myself I was saying yes to something greater-my family and God. So saying no to this career, crazy pay package and going back to housewife mode felt like dying to myself, I had to hold fast that God knows and stick to Hos plan and my agreement with the husband.

It helped that Chermaine was there. Even though she didn't know who I was talking to, she's been so instrumental in re-steering my walk with God I felt like I drew strength from her to make a decision she would support.

So goodbye career. Hello, life and life more abundantly. I'm apprehensive but excited. I'm still fighting sleep disorder but I have hope.