it's rainy, cold and isaac is somewhere in taiwan so i'm wistful.
the weekend has been surprisingly great. i didn't shed buckets of tears because he is so far away. company of friends helped alot to ease the ache of previous week and gear me up for the week ahead.
as an avid fan of criminal minds (among many other FBI dramas), dr reid's eidetic memory really strike a chord in me. because while i can't read 20000 words per minute, i too can (or maybe could) remember scenes to the details, strings of numbers which makes no sense to me and lines of words. that was how i got through school many times because i was a lazy student. i may not always understand but i remembered and fairly quickly too. so this can be a boon and a bane.
i used to think it normal, until i realized that many are afflicted with various types of memory loss. once, when i thought i lost a camera and was lamenting about it, my good friend quipped " it's no big deal, you should thank God you have that memory and can store everything in your head so you don't need a camera'.
not many pple know about this. except those who hang out/work with me on a regular basis. ex colleagues marvelled at how i can look at a floor plan of the entire shopping centre and remember the size of each shop, the per square footage and the unit number. and i just marvelled at how they couldn't.
so when my hippocampus (the part of your brain that processes learning and memory) went on auto erase some years ago (i later on found out it was a side effect to a condition/medication), i myself was startled that i could clean forget things. it's like God purposefully throwing my sins into the sea of forgetfulness. it was just something i couldn't retrieve and because i didn't know what i couldn't retrieve, iw as blissfully safe. a few years of my life was just erased like that, like i never lived during those years.
thankfully, now, when the memories do come back, the poison attached to the memory was removed and i can recount and recollect without anguish (not much). and for the lack of a better word, i do take 'pleasure' that i have lived through the days i did, fell down and got better and stronger.
people do all sorts of things to repress painful memories and that is why drugs and alcohol are so prevalent. memory is so dangerous because if not treated carefully and stored properly, it can be potentially dangerous. people are trapped in pain and relationships are indeterminately strained. it breeds regret, bitterness and a helplessness at being unable to return to the moment and do it all differently.
there is no respite from the tormet as the reel replays endlessly in your mind in vivid images. not till it is surrendered at the cross to the Lord. then can your memory be healed and your life restored.
i wonder how He remembers the cross himself. on the way to the cross, He remembered 'the joy set before Him' which is our salvation. On the cross, He was still remembering us pleading for forgiveness because we 'know not what we do'.It was a lot less about Judas' betrayal (no doubt He mourned the loss), peter's denial, the scoffers and the scorn but the eternal redemption of our souls.
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